Well, I am back. I am starting up my deployment blog again because Ian has left again. It has been almost a month since he left, and I am just now starting to accept the fact that he is going to be gone for 8 more months. I have to be honest, it is a little bit of a relief to know that I "only" have 8 months left and that I have survived almost a month already.
This deployment, to me, seems so much harder than the last one. You would think that because we have been through it before and we know what to expect, that it would make it easier. Truth be told, it makes it just that much more difficult. Last time, the kids didn't really understand how long a year would really be. They didn't get what it would mean to have daddy miss all those holidays and birthdays until it actually happened. This time, they didn't need to be told. They knew exactly what we meant when we said daddy was deploying again. They knew it would mean that he would miss another birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, school awards ceremonies, plays, games, and recitals. They knew it from the moment we told them that Ian would deploy. The anticipation this time was so much worse than last time. The immediate effects of the deployment on the kids is so much more obvious. We are dealing with the behavior problems, the "I miss daddy", and the "I hate the Army" talks already. It has been a rough month.
I, on the other hand, was blind-sided by this deployment. When I say that I don't mean that I didn't know it was coming until right before it happened. I mean that I didn't realize how close it was until three days before he left. I was so focused on the baby steps leading up to it, that I didn't realize it was already on us until it was too late. Ian was in training until a month before his deployment, so I was waiting for him to come back. Once he got back, we were going on leave to visit his family for two weeks. Then, I had to start work and do the final touches on my classroom. Then, it was the first day/week of school that I needed to survive. I did that and then BAM! It was time to say "See you later" at 2am. I tried to hold it together this time. I tried not to completely lose it the night he left. I think I did pretty good. Did I cry? Of course I did, but it wasn't a sobbing meltdown there in front of Ian and the kids. I felt like I had to be strong for Ian and for the kids this time. Last time, it was Ian being strong for us. This time it was my turn because it was my husband needed from me to be able to leave us and go to war.
Not to whine too much, but this month has been hell. It has been stressful at work, the kids have been acting up, and I still can't sleep without my husband next to me. I know that within the next few months I will get used to sleeping without him and should start sleeping better. I hope the kids calm down a bit and their behavior gets better, but that is something we all have to work out together. I know that work will be work and I honestly don't see it getting any easier. Maybe, I will start getting yelled at less, but again, that is something I don't really know if it will or will not happen. I feel like I am treading water for now, with only occasional times where I sink. Though I can feel God calling me to swim harder and to trust him to be my life preserver. That is where my focus is at the moment: to let God be God and to give Him control and trust. Easier said than done, I know.
I do have to tell you that I have been surprised at the amount of support I have for this one, and from some unlikely sources. The friends I counted on last deployment felt like I left them once my husband came home and I started working last year. I tried not to but life happened, work, kids, reintegration, stress, home buying, etc. I just wasn't as connected with them as I should have been and that cost me some dear friends. So, coming into this deployment, I thought I was going to be utterly alone. That no one would be there for me and no one would help if I needed it. Thank God that I was wrong. I have a great group of friends that are mostly from work that have stepped up to help me out. They have been supportive and flat out amazing. My best friend in the world helped me out and supported me the night Ian left and every day since letting me vent on the phone. Other friends have volunteered to help me with my kids and anything else they can, and have meant it. They are all constantly asking how I am, and I really appreciate it. It has been one of those things that have helped make this deployment look like it can be survived. It has renewed my own self-esteem knowing that I still have some friends who love my family and me and are willing to be there for me. I have even seen some repairs happening in some of the friendships I have lost, thank God for that.
All in all, I am surviving this deployment so far, though much more roughly. I will be writing in here when I can, or when I think I actually have something to write about. I had a few people tell me they didn't like that I left the blog unfinished at the end of the deployment. So, I think I am going to publish the draft I started and finish it up with some reintegration info.
Thank you all for sticking with me and reading. Hopefully you will hear from me again soon.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 311-321: Way too much stress
04/29/2012-05/09/2012
Well, I lost my momentum with this blog. I told myself I would write a blog everyday no matter what. Something to document this year and show that each day has counted in some way. I kind of dropped the ball. Mostly, I have been so busy, tired, and stressed that I just didn't want to sit down at night and write. I also had been talking to my husband fairly consistently and was able to talk with him about everything. In the past 10 days, I have had to deal with my daughter's school, my own doctor's appointment to get some tests run, and my son having a severe asthmatic episode that lasted for more than 5 days. It was all just a bit crazy and overwhelming.
In regards to my daughter's school, I was able to get a meeting with her principal and talked to her about what had gone on. She had not been made aware of the issue until receiving emails from both my husband and myself. She was great to talk to and she was very understanding of my concerns. I felt she really did handle it well and resolved it as best as it could be resolved.
Daniel was put on a steroid to get his asthma under control and was given some medications to manage his asthma. As of right now, I am still trying to keep it under control and having to give him treatments every 4 hours, which is difficult at times, but him breathing is well worth the issues. It is kind of funny because he gets so amped up after having a treatment that he just can't seem to control himself. Normally he is a hyper kid, add the asthma treatments and he gets worse. It can be comical, but also a bit stressful.
I took Daniel to the doctor yesterday and while we were at the doctor, I got a phone call. It was one that I wasn't expecting to get. It was from my doctor's office. They called to tell me that they got the results of my tests and said they need to see me ASAP. They asked if I could come in that day, but I told them I couldn't because of Daniel. They then asked if I could come in the next day (today) and I was able to schedule and appointment for after school. Needless to say that as soon as I got off the phone with them, I was insanely worried. I prayed, and prayed hard. I mostly just wish they could have told me right then instead of making me wait. I know it is going to be some not so great news, because they never call you in ASAP to tell you good news. Especially since I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of the month.
I wrestled with telling Ian about it. I didn't want to worry him if it was unnecessary. I wanted to wait until I knew what the problem was before I told him anything. But, I know my husband. I know he would want to know. I know that if I held this from him, he would be upset at me. I also know that he is training right now and is not directly in harms way. So, I was okay with telling him. I will admit that if he was going out on a mission or doing something really dangerous, I would have not told him until he was safe again.
So, I told Ian yesterday. He is naturally worried about me, but I assured him that I was okay and would be well taken care of by my friends no matter what it is. I know that no matter what, I have people around me to help me out as needed. I also know that Ian wishes he was here and was able to help take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I try to reassure him more that he is doing great and that I will be just fine until he comes home.
I went to the doctor this afternoon. It really wasn't helpful. They basically told me that I have a cyst on my ovary that is about twice the size of the ovary itself. She could not tell me anything about it nor could she answer any of my questions. All she could tell me was that I had it and how big it was. She said that I needed to see a specialist and they will be able to talk to me and tell me more about it. So, now I have to wait until tomorrow to make an appointment and the wait for the actual appointment before I can get some real answers.
I am going to get through whatever this is that I have to deal with physically. I will get through each day that I need to in order to get to the homecoming day. I know we are getting closer, but I am getting more and more anxious for it. One day at a time has worked up to now, and it will have to continue to work.
Well, I lost my momentum with this blog. I told myself I would write a blog everyday no matter what. Something to document this year and show that each day has counted in some way. I kind of dropped the ball. Mostly, I have been so busy, tired, and stressed that I just didn't want to sit down at night and write. I also had been talking to my husband fairly consistently and was able to talk with him about everything. In the past 10 days, I have had to deal with my daughter's school, my own doctor's appointment to get some tests run, and my son having a severe asthmatic episode that lasted for more than 5 days. It was all just a bit crazy and overwhelming.
In regards to my daughter's school, I was able to get a meeting with her principal and talked to her about what had gone on. She had not been made aware of the issue until receiving emails from both my husband and myself. She was great to talk to and she was very understanding of my concerns. I felt she really did handle it well and resolved it as best as it could be resolved.
Daniel was put on a steroid to get his asthma under control and was given some medications to manage his asthma. As of right now, I am still trying to keep it under control and having to give him treatments every 4 hours, which is difficult at times, but him breathing is well worth the issues. It is kind of funny because he gets so amped up after having a treatment that he just can't seem to control himself. Normally he is a hyper kid, add the asthma treatments and he gets worse. It can be comical, but also a bit stressful.
I took Daniel to the doctor yesterday and while we were at the doctor, I got a phone call. It was one that I wasn't expecting to get. It was from my doctor's office. They called to tell me that they got the results of my tests and said they need to see me ASAP. They asked if I could come in that day, but I told them I couldn't because of Daniel. They then asked if I could come in the next day (today) and I was able to schedule and appointment for after school. Needless to say that as soon as I got off the phone with them, I was insanely worried. I prayed, and prayed hard. I mostly just wish they could have told me right then instead of making me wait. I know it is going to be some not so great news, because they never call you in ASAP to tell you good news. Especially since I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of the month.
I wrestled with telling Ian about it. I didn't want to worry him if it was unnecessary. I wanted to wait until I knew what the problem was before I told him anything. But, I know my husband. I know he would want to know. I know that if I held this from him, he would be upset at me. I also know that he is training right now and is not directly in harms way. So, I was okay with telling him. I will admit that if he was going out on a mission or doing something really dangerous, I would have not told him until he was safe again.
So, I told Ian yesterday. He is naturally worried about me, but I assured him that I was okay and would be well taken care of by my friends no matter what it is. I know that no matter what, I have people around me to help me out as needed. I also know that Ian wishes he was here and was able to help take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I try to reassure him more that he is doing great and that I will be just fine until he comes home.
I went to the doctor this afternoon. It really wasn't helpful. They basically told me that I have a cyst on my ovary that is about twice the size of the ovary itself. She could not tell me anything about it nor could she answer any of my questions. All she could tell me was that I had it and how big it was. She said that I needed to see a specialist and they will be able to talk to me and tell me more about it. So, now I have to wait until tomorrow to make an appointment and the wait for the actual appointment before I can get some real answers.
I am going to get through whatever this is that I have to deal with physically. I will get through each day that I need to in order to get to the homecoming day. I know we are getting closer, but I am getting more and more anxious for it. One day at a time has worked up to now, and it will have to continue to work.
Day 310: Mommy Time
04/30/2012
Today was a great day. For the first time in over a year, I have found myself a great babysitter and was able to go out by myself for the first time in a while. It was nice to just go out and have dinner and relax at a movie. I didn't feel guilty for asking a friend of mine with her own set of kids. I was able to relax and not worry that my kids were pushing my friends to their limits.
I really can't overstate how amazing it is to find a babysitter that you can trust (outside your circle of friends). Getting those precious times of some me times are great. It is also good for me because I can now start taking the kids on their own individual date nights while leaving the other two with the babysitter. I am a tad more hopeful now that I know I have some added backup here at our new home.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Day 309: I don't want to do this on my own
04/27/2012
I am getting ready to cry UNCLE on this deployment. To give up and let it win. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I have a choice in the matter, I have to continue. The Army won't bring my husband home early just because I cry "Uncle" and am feeling stressed. It isn't that easy.
Today, after I dropped my kids off at school, I drove to Emily's school to speak with her Assistant Principal (AP) about the issue I just became aware of. She was nice enough to meet with me quickly. She said she knew Emily a little in that she had spoken with her a few times at various events and thought she was a sweet, funny kid. When I told her about her being punished for at least 4 months without my knowledge, she said she didn't believe it. She told me that she didn't think it could have gone on for so long. I tried telling her that I had talked to Emily for a while to ensure she was not exaggerating, and she wasn't. She continued to tell me the same thing, never changing her story. As her mother, I have a bit of a super power, I know if she is lying or not (she really sucks at it). I knew she wasn't lying because I wouldn't have jumped in to talk to them about it if I wasn't sure. Then she said that she wants me to meet with the teachers today during their conference time at 1:10pm. I said I would be back by then.
When I came back, I knew it wasn't going to be productive. The first thing the AP said was that she talked to the teacher and the teacher said that Emily had not been on the fence hardly at all. So, I went to the meeting, hoping that it would be better, but I had the feeling I was being lied to. The teacher told me that Emily was rarely on the fence. So I asked her to give me a round about number. Was it once or twice a week? A month? The teacher told me that no, it was sporadic at best. That Emily had hardly been on the fence. I knew that was a lie because my daughter would have told me after I asked her 10 times. She would have said that it really wasn't that much. But Emily told me that she had been on everyday for months. It was too big a difference in what Emily said and what the teacher said. After talking to the teacher for over 30 minutes, I felt no better about the situation. She was trying to keep herself out of trouble.
Later, Emily came home and told me that her teacher had talked to her after I left. She said things to Emily that were her trying to convince Emily that it "wasn't as much as she thought." She told her to remember the times when she didn't write her name on the board or that she gave all the kids a day off the fence. That did it. Not only had I been lied to, she was trying to talk my daughter into saying she was wrong. I asked Emily again, and she said the same as before. That she was on the fence everyday. The only breaks she had was when it was a really short recess (a couple times maybe) or indoor recess. Then she asked if she could change classes because she was tired of being treated badly by her classmates and because she didn't have anymore friends. They all think she shouldn't be playing with them and that she should be on the fence. That broke my heart.
So, here I sit. Waiting for Monday to try and talk to the principal again. I wish Ian were here to go through this with me. That he were here to talk to the school. I hate having to take care of this on my own, but, again, I know it is what I have to do. I will deal with it because I have to, not because I want to. I want to have my husband by my side to talk to them. At least I have him to talk to at night and have him to help me talk to Emily. For that, I am truly grateful and am able to get through it.
I am getting ready to cry UNCLE on this deployment. To give up and let it win. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I have a choice in the matter, I have to continue. The Army won't bring my husband home early just because I cry "Uncle" and am feeling stressed. It isn't that easy.
Today, after I dropped my kids off at school, I drove to Emily's school to speak with her Assistant Principal (AP) about the issue I just became aware of. She was nice enough to meet with me quickly. She said she knew Emily a little in that she had spoken with her a few times at various events and thought she was a sweet, funny kid. When I told her about her being punished for at least 4 months without my knowledge, she said she didn't believe it. She told me that she didn't think it could have gone on for so long. I tried telling her that I had talked to Emily for a while to ensure she was not exaggerating, and she wasn't. She continued to tell me the same thing, never changing her story. As her mother, I have a bit of a super power, I know if she is lying or not (she really sucks at it). I knew she wasn't lying because I wouldn't have jumped in to talk to them about it if I wasn't sure. Then she said that she wants me to meet with the teachers today during their conference time at 1:10pm. I said I would be back by then.
When I came back, I knew it wasn't going to be productive. The first thing the AP said was that she talked to the teacher and the teacher said that Emily had not been on the fence hardly at all. So, I went to the meeting, hoping that it would be better, but I had the feeling I was being lied to. The teacher told me that Emily was rarely on the fence. So I asked her to give me a round about number. Was it once or twice a week? A month? The teacher told me that no, it was sporadic at best. That Emily had hardly been on the fence. I knew that was a lie because my daughter would have told me after I asked her 10 times. She would have said that it really wasn't that much. But Emily told me that she had been on everyday for months. It was too big a difference in what Emily said and what the teacher said. After talking to the teacher for over 30 minutes, I felt no better about the situation. She was trying to keep herself out of trouble.
Later, Emily came home and told me that her teacher had talked to her after I left. She said things to Emily that were her trying to convince Emily that it "wasn't as much as she thought." She told her to remember the times when she didn't write her name on the board or that she gave all the kids a day off the fence. That did it. Not only had I been lied to, she was trying to talk my daughter into saying she was wrong. I asked Emily again, and she said the same as before. That she was on the fence everyday. The only breaks she had was when it was a really short recess (a couple times maybe) or indoor recess. Then she asked if she could change classes because she was tired of being treated badly by her classmates and because she didn't have anymore friends. They all think she shouldn't be playing with them and that she should be on the fence. That broke my heart.
So, here I sit. Waiting for Monday to try and talk to the principal again. I wish Ian were here to go through this with me. That he were here to talk to the school. I hate having to take care of this on my own, but, again, I know it is what I have to do. I will deal with it because I have to, not because I want to. I want to have my husband by my side to talk to them. At least I have him to talk to at night and have him to help me talk to Emily. For that, I am truly grateful and am able to get through it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Day 308: Fail.
04/26/2012
Well, today, I did... I failed. I feel like I have failed my oldest daughter. I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have failed her and that it is too late to fix it.
I found out today that my daughter has been missing out on recess for the past 5+ months because she hasn't been having me sign her agenda. I know she does her homework, because I ask her and she shows it to me, plus her grades are great. I didn't know that her agenda was supposed to be signed twice a week. She never asked and never told me. Suddenly she is asking me to sign it and I ask her what the difference is. She said she was always supposed to be having me sign it, but never asked. I thought it meant she was hiding something and that she wasn't doing her homework, but again, I knew I had seen it and I know her grades are great. So, I asked her what the difference is. That is when she told me that if she doesn't get her agenda signed, she loses her recess. I asked her how long this has gone on for and she told me since about November! I was shocked. I couldn't believe she has gone without recess for that long and no one has told me about it, not her, not her teacher. It was a big deal to me because I know that her recess is important for kids her age and that she is a good kid and should not be sitting out every recess like she is doing wrong. I am upset that I wasn't told by either her or her teacher and that it has just been accepted all school year.
I also felt guilty. I have been so consumed with work that I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her teachers hardly at all. I talk to the younger kids' teachers because I am at their school and even work closely with one of them. Emily has been doing so well in school that the few times I have talked to her teachers they have told me they have no worries. So, I wonder that if I talked to them more, would I have been able to avoid this? Would it have changed anything? Would they have asked me what was going on earlier?
I asked Emily why it didn't bother her that she was missing out on recess and she just said that she had gotten used to it.... that broke my heart. She also told me that it kept her away from some of the "popular girls" who drove her nuts with the way they acted and the stuff they would say. Nothing that was really hurtful to her, just annoying. She mostly didn't like how they told her she was short and young. I told her that it is okay to be short and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of it. She is short, just as God made her. She is young, yes, but a smart kid at that. She is a very sweet girl who is funny and nice. I told her that those stupid comments and their stupid actions should not make her want to stand on the fence. I
I have a feeling there is more, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I just wish I could have known about it sooner than now, with 25 or so days left of school. I wish I could have done something sooner, because every day I would ask her about school, she would tell me about a bunch of other stuff, but nothing about this.
Ian would know what to say to her, and I wish he were here to talk to her with me. For now, I just have to wait for him to call so I can tell him about it and get his opinion on how to deal with it. He is usually pretty good and coming up with a plan of action.
Well, today, I did... I failed. I feel like I have failed my oldest daughter. I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have failed her and that it is too late to fix it.
I found out today that my daughter has been missing out on recess for the past 5+ months because she hasn't been having me sign her agenda. I know she does her homework, because I ask her and she shows it to me, plus her grades are great. I didn't know that her agenda was supposed to be signed twice a week. She never asked and never told me. Suddenly she is asking me to sign it and I ask her what the difference is. She said she was always supposed to be having me sign it, but never asked. I thought it meant she was hiding something and that she wasn't doing her homework, but again, I knew I had seen it and I know her grades are great. So, I asked her what the difference is. That is when she told me that if she doesn't get her agenda signed, she loses her recess. I asked her how long this has gone on for and she told me since about November! I was shocked. I couldn't believe she has gone without recess for that long and no one has told me about it, not her, not her teacher. It was a big deal to me because I know that her recess is important for kids her age and that she is a good kid and should not be sitting out every recess like she is doing wrong. I am upset that I wasn't told by either her or her teacher and that it has just been accepted all school year.
I also felt guilty. I have been so consumed with work that I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her teachers hardly at all. I talk to the younger kids' teachers because I am at their school and even work closely with one of them. Emily has been doing so well in school that the few times I have talked to her teachers they have told me they have no worries. So, I wonder that if I talked to them more, would I have been able to avoid this? Would it have changed anything? Would they have asked me what was going on earlier?
I asked Emily why it didn't bother her that she was missing out on recess and she just said that she had gotten used to it.... that broke my heart. She also told me that it kept her away from some of the "popular girls" who drove her nuts with the way they acted and the stuff they would say. Nothing that was really hurtful to her, just annoying. She mostly didn't like how they told her she was short and young. I told her that it is okay to be short and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of it. She is short, just as God made her. She is young, yes, but a smart kid at that. She is a very sweet girl who is funny and nice. I told her that those stupid comments and their stupid actions should not make her want to stand on the fence. I
I have a feeling there is more, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I just wish I could have known about it sooner than now, with 25 or so days left of school. I wish I could have done something sooner, because every day I would ask her about school, she would tell me about a bunch of other stuff, but nothing about this.
Ian would know what to say to her, and I wish he were here to talk to her with me. For now, I just have to wait for him to call so I can tell him about it and get his opinion on how to deal with it. He is usually pretty good and coming up with a plan of action.
Day 306: Yup, that hurts
04/24/2012
Today was so painful. My knee was feeling better for the most part, except a few times when I tried to pivot. The major problem was in my calf muscle. Favoring my knee half the day Sunday and all day yesterday really strained my calf muscle. It hurt a little in the morning where I only had a minor limp. By the afternoon, I almost couldn't walk. I really wanted to just go home and lay down. Only problem was that I needed to get to the grocery store to get some stuff for my leg as well and something for dinner for all of us. The kids were really helpful at the commissary. They were more than eager to help me push the cart and grab stuff off the shelves. It was still painful, but they helped more than they know. So, we came home, I took a nice long, hot bath and then made a quick dinner.
I can't wait until my husband comes home. He gives great massages and I know he would help my calf muscle. Plus, he would have me rest and take care of the shopping. Then again, this is what makes us Army wives strong. We drive on when our soldiers are gone because we have to. We take care of everything when we are ill or hurt. The only thing that can keep us down is hospitalization. Other than that, we drive on and make it all work as best we can.
Today was so painful. My knee was feeling better for the most part, except a few times when I tried to pivot. The major problem was in my calf muscle. Favoring my knee half the day Sunday and all day yesterday really strained my calf muscle. It hurt a little in the morning where I only had a minor limp. By the afternoon, I almost couldn't walk. I really wanted to just go home and lay down. Only problem was that I needed to get to the grocery store to get some stuff for my leg as well and something for dinner for all of us. The kids were really helpful at the commissary. They were more than eager to help me push the cart and grab stuff off the shelves. It was still painful, but they helped more than they know. So, we came home, I took a nice long, hot bath and then made a quick dinner.
I can't wait until my husband comes home. He gives great massages and I know he would help my calf muscle. Plus, he would have me rest and take care of the shopping. Then again, this is what makes us Army wives strong. We drive on when our soldiers are gone because we have to. We take care of everything when we are ill or hurt. The only thing that can keep us down is hospitalization. Other than that, we drive on and make it all work as best we can.
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