Today was an interesting day. I am trying to work and plan out my daughter's birthday party as well as making plans for her actual birthday. I am trying to find a way to make her birthday special since her daddy will not be here, especially if he winds up not being able to call that day, even though we are planning for him to be able to. In making my plans, I am having to work with the teachers I help to see if I can change around my schedule to be able to have lunch with my daughter on her birthday. So far so good. They are okay with me switching around my schedule, especially since I agreed to work on some extra stuff at home to make up for the few minutes over I will be.
Other than that, I am stuck trying to figure out how best to deal with my son. Since Ian left he has not been doing well in school and even at home he has been defiant. I know it is just a phase, but it still has me a little frustrated because I don't know how to get him to understand that his behavior is not okay. It is a "typical" problem in this situation, and I know it will just take time. Unfortunately, it is harder to deal with considering all the stresses we are all under right now. So, my next project will be working on a good schedule to set up some one-on-one time with each of the kids. Hopefully this will help them out like it did at the start of the deployment. Well, one can only hope.
Another day down, another day closer to seeing him again and holding him in my arms. What a great day that will be.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 172: Lying game
So, I went to church today. I haven't been going as regularly mostly on account of company or illness. Today at church I got the typical question, "How are you doing since Ian left?"
Que the lying game.
It really is a nasty habit, but it is easier for me to handle it this way. I always just answer, "I am okay." If it is someone who knows me or really cares they notice that as soon as I say that, I look away so they can't read the lie in my eyes. I make sure that I break the eye contact so that I don't think about it for too long to allow myself to tear up. For most though, asking the socially acceptable question of if I am okay (and not just at church, but work and my "social" life too), my response is a safe enough response that gives them an easy out. They just nod and say that is good to hear and walk on. For me, it keeps me from having to go over all of the stresses right now and keeps me from crying in front of people. It is an easy response that hides the fact that I am missing my best friend, scared for his safety, dealing with a child's birthday and Christmas within 10 days of each other, worried about my job or if I will have one soon, and my kids and myself being sick, all of which I am trying to deal with at the same time as everything else that is normal in life. I know I am complaining a bit, and it really is not like me to be so "weak," but at the moment I am, and it is something I have to accept, I can't always be strong. The one thing I am is I am still strong enough to look at someone and tell them I am okay and that I am making it, even when I am not. Until the occasional person who really cares calls me out on it, and then I break down a bit and share with them. With those people though, they are usually my safe harbor and people that I can trust to just listen when I need them and are people I am there for when they need me too.
For now, I am sharing on here. As I have said from day one on this blog, it is my own personal brand of therapy and it is a place that I can tell people how I am REALLY doing.
Que the lying game.
It really is a nasty habit, but it is easier for me to handle it this way. I always just answer, "I am okay." If it is someone who knows me or really cares they notice that as soon as I say that, I look away so they can't read the lie in my eyes. I make sure that I break the eye contact so that I don't think about it for too long to allow myself to tear up. For most though, asking the socially acceptable question of if I am okay (and not just at church, but work and my "social" life too), my response is a safe enough response that gives them an easy out. They just nod and say that is good to hear and walk on. For me, it keeps me from having to go over all of the stresses right now and keeps me from crying in front of people. It is an easy response that hides the fact that I am missing my best friend, scared for his safety, dealing with a child's birthday and Christmas within 10 days of each other, worried about my job or if I will have one soon, and my kids and myself being sick, all of which I am trying to deal with at the same time as everything else that is normal in life. I know I am complaining a bit, and it really is not like me to be so "weak," but at the moment I am, and it is something I have to accept, I can't always be strong. The one thing I am is I am still strong enough to look at someone and tell them I am okay and that I am making it, even when I am not. Until the occasional person who really cares calls me out on it, and then I break down a bit and share with them. With those people though, they are usually my safe harbor and people that I can trust to just listen when I need them and are people I am there for when they need me too.
For now, I am sharing on here. As I have said from day one on this blog, it is my own personal brand of therapy and it is a place that I can tell people how I am REALLY doing.
Day 171: Determination lost
12/10/2011
How did this happen? How did I become the way I am right now? How did I go from being determined to thrive during this deployment, to feeling completely lost? I was doing decently well before Ian came home for R&R. Now, it feels like I have just lost my determination on everything. I am back to being content with just making it through it. I am in survival mode. Taking it day by day and just trying to survive it and put on the brave face. I am trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids and not let them be affected by my moods, but that is an everyday struggle. I don't know why it is harder since R&R than it was after he left the first time, but it is. I know the idea of still having over half of the deployment left is painful, because at least when he left the first time I knew I would be seeing him for R&R. So, I think I was able to hold it together until then. Now, the next time I see him feels like it is forever away. I know it is closer than I think and will go by faster than I think, but it is still just the way I feel right now.
One day at a time is the best I can do. It has gotten me this far and I know it will help get me to the finish line of the deployment. I just can't wait for this deployment to be over.
How did this happen? How did I become the way I am right now? How did I go from being determined to thrive during this deployment, to feeling completely lost? I was doing decently well before Ian came home for R&R. Now, it feels like I have just lost my determination on everything. I am back to being content with just making it through it. I am in survival mode. Taking it day by day and just trying to survive it and put on the brave face. I am trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids and not let them be affected by my moods, but that is an everyday struggle. I don't know why it is harder since R&R than it was after he left the first time, but it is. I know the idea of still having over half of the deployment left is painful, because at least when he left the first time I knew I would be seeing him for R&R. So, I think I was able to hold it together until then. Now, the next time I see him feels like it is forever away. I know it is closer than I think and will go by faster than I think, but it is still just the way I feel right now.
One day at a time is the best I can do. It has gotten me this far and I know it will help get me to the finish line of the deployment. I just can't wait for this deployment to be over.
Day 170: 'Twas the night before Christmas
12/9/2011
A few friends posted this on their Facebook and it made me cry. I wanted to share it because it really made me think of my amazing husband and his Christmas without us, and ours without him.
A few friends posted this on their Facebook and it made me cry. I wanted to share it because it really made me think of my amazing husband and his Christmas without us, and ours without him.
Twas the night before Christmas, and he lived in a crowd, in a 40 man tent, with warriors so loud.
I had come into the tent with presents to give, and to see just who in this rack did live.
I looked all about, and a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings were hung, just boots close at hand, on the locker hung pictures of far distant lands.
He had medals and badges and awards of all kind, and a sobering thought came into my mind.
For this place was different, it was so dark and dreary, I had found the home of a Soldier, this I could see clearly.
The Soldier lay sleeping, silent and alone, curled up in his rack, dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the barracks in such good order, but not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero whom I saw on TV? Defending his country so we all could be free?
I realized the families that I've seen this night, owed their lives to these Soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a new Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the Soldiers, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help but wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, for this life is my choice."
"Defend my country this day, the peace do I keep."
The soldier then rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours so silent, so still, and we both shivered from the night's cold chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the Soldier rolled over and with a voice soft and pure, Whispered,
"Carry on Santa, it's Christmas. All is Secure."
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 169: The blahs
Today Emily had her one and only choir recital and it was really cool. I was worried that Daniel would be talking and interrupt it, but he was quiet and really seemed to enjoy it. Of course I recorded the whole thing and I will be sending it to Ian as soon as I can. After the recital, we had dinner and came home. Ian called to tell the kids goodnight and to hear about the recital. The kids really love talking to him and it makes their night to hear from him.
Tonight I am not feeling so well and am really missing Ian. I know he would be here to take care of me and take care of the kids so I could get some rest. I guess I just miss having someone to lean on when I am feeling weak, in every sense of the word. Dealing with things on my own is not a new concept for me, especially in the military life, but I know what it feels like to be able to lean on Ian for help and support and I really miss it. So, I am going to get to bed early and try to take care of myself as best I can, because I am all my kids have right now, and if I get too sick, it will not help them.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again. Another day that I made it through, still standing. It is something I know I can be proud of and something that will show when he comes home, because being successful now will help our family be successful at the end of this deployment.
Tonight I am not feeling so well and am really missing Ian. I know he would be here to take care of me and take care of the kids so I could get some rest. I guess I just miss having someone to lean on when I am feeling weak, in every sense of the word. Dealing with things on my own is not a new concept for me, especially in the military life, but I know what it feels like to be able to lean on Ian for help and support and I really miss it. So, I am going to get to bed early and try to take care of myself as best I can, because I am all my kids have right now, and if I get too sick, it will not help them.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again. Another day that I made it through, still standing. It is something I know I can be proud of and something that will show when he comes home, because being successful now will help our family be successful at the end of this deployment.
Day 168: Free Mail
12/7/2011
In the times we are living in, mail is becoming less intrinsic to communication during this deployment. I get to talk to my husband more consistently via the phone and Skype than I could have ever hoped for. I am able to email my husband every night and he is able to email me back within a day or two.
Even with the virtually instantaneous communication, it is amazing the feeling that courses through me when I see a letter with the words "free mail" written where the stamp should be. Then I see the handwriting of the man I love in the address and get all excited. I even put it away for a little bit so I could get to a quiet place without the kids to read his letter. It gives me time to enjoy the letter he wrote to me. I love hearing from him the old fashioned way, written by hand, knowing he took time to sit down and write to me. There is just something romantic about hand written letters, especially in these times where they are rarely written.
Yesterday, I got a card in the mail from Ian and I took it to sit in my room by myself and read it. It was sweet and as I was reading it I heard Ian's voice in my head as if he were saying it to me. It brought the biggest smile to my face and a tear to my eyes. It reminded me of when he was in basic training and he wrote me whenever he had some down time. I loved getting those letters and checked the mail everyday for them, just waiting to see if I got one. It always managed to make my day better, no matter what happened, and yesterday was no different. Ian's letter was awesome and made my day.
Taking it day by day and getting closer to being with my husband again.
In the times we are living in, mail is becoming less intrinsic to communication during this deployment. I get to talk to my husband more consistently via the phone and Skype than I could have ever hoped for. I am able to email my husband every night and he is able to email me back within a day or two.
Even with the virtually instantaneous communication, it is amazing the feeling that courses through me when I see a letter with the words "free mail" written where the stamp should be. Then I see the handwriting of the man I love in the address and get all excited. I even put it away for a little bit so I could get to a quiet place without the kids to read his letter. It gives me time to enjoy the letter he wrote to me. I love hearing from him the old fashioned way, written by hand, knowing he took time to sit down and write to me. There is just something romantic about hand written letters, especially in these times where they are rarely written.
Yesterday, I got a card in the mail from Ian and I took it to sit in my room by myself and read it. It was sweet and as I was reading it I heard Ian's voice in my head as if he were saying it to me. It brought the biggest smile to my face and a tear to my eyes. It reminded me of when he was in basic training and he wrote me whenever he had some down time. I loved getting those letters and checked the mail everyday for them, just waiting to see if I got one. It always managed to make my day better, no matter what happened, and yesterday was no different. Ian's letter was awesome and made my day.
Taking it day by day and getting closer to being with my husband again.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 167: Our Journey
Today after the usual hustle to get to school and the hustle at school/work itself, we had to go take Daniel to his Karate Play class. It is a great class that teaches him very basic karate stuff, but gives him somewhere to get out some energy and learn a thing or two about responsibility and respect. Today, I sent him into class and sat out in the car outside the big window and watched him work with the teacher. He did really well today. He listened and did everything he was asked. I loved watching him do the moves and he had a blast kicking and hitting the pads.
After karate, I decided that I would take the kids on a little excursion to the lake nearby that does a "Nature in Lights" exhibit. Basically, they set up these awesome lights all around the lake, you pay a fee for the car, and drive around and look at the lights. It was 5.5 miles of lights! When I told the kids what we were going to do, they were super excited. When we actually pulled up to it and saw some of the lights, they were so captivated by the lights and it made me think of when I was a kid and we would drive through some of the more well-off neighborhoods and look at their lights. We drove around talking about all the lights we saw and laughing at some of the funnier displays. We went through the 12 days of Christmas and tried to sing it, but lost it by the time we hit the 10th day of Christmas.
Once we drove through it all, we came back home to get ready for bed. Daniel, being the great little boy he is, looked at me and said, "That was an amazing journey! I love those kind of journeys!" It made me smile just because of the words he had chosen to use. Then, I looked at him and agreed and told him that I thought it was quite an amazing journey myself. He smiled at me and then headed to get ready for bed.
Of course, I can't stop there because his talk of our journey made me think about the journey we are all on as a family, and especially as a military family. We have ups and downs. We have hard times, bad times, good times, and times where we just survive. Right now our journey is spread out because our family is spread out on two different continents. That isn't going to stop it from being a journey our family makes. It isn't going to stop it from being an amazing journey, one way or another, it will be amazing just because it will be our family going through it together. One day at a time.
After karate, I decided that I would take the kids on a little excursion to the lake nearby that does a "Nature in Lights" exhibit. Basically, they set up these awesome lights all around the lake, you pay a fee for the car, and drive around and look at the lights. It was 5.5 miles of lights! When I told the kids what we were going to do, they were super excited. When we actually pulled up to it and saw some of the lights, they were so captivated by the lights and it made me think of when I was a kid and we would drive through some of the more well-off neighborhoods and look at their lights. We drove around talking about all the lights we saw and laughing at some of the funnier displays. We went through the 12 days of Christmas and tried to sing it, but lost it by the time we hit the 10th day of Christmas.
Once we drove through it all, we came back home to get ready for bed. Daniel, being the great little boy he is, looked at me and said, "That was an amazing journey! I love those kind of journeys!" It made me smile just because of the words he had chosen to use. Then, I looked at him and agreed and told him that I thought it was quite an amazing journey myself. He smiled at me and then headed to get ready for bed.
Of course, I can't stop there because his talk of our journey made me think about the journey we are all on as a family, and especially as a military family. We have ups and downs. We have hard times, bad times, good times, and times where we just survive. Right now our journey is spread out because our family is spread out on two different continents. That isn't going to stop it from being a journey our family makes. It isn't going to stop it from being an amazing journey, one way or another, it will be amazing just because it will be our family going through it together. One day at a time.
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