12/10/2011
How did this happen? How did I become the way I am right now? How did I go from being determined to thrive during this deployment, to feeling completely lost? I was doing decently well before Ian came home for R&R. Now, it feels like I have just lost my determination on everything. I am back to being content with just making it through it. I am in survival mode. Taking it day by day and just trying to survive it and put on the brave face. I am trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids and not let them be affected by my moods, but that is an everyday struggle. I don't know why it is harder since R&R than it was after he left the first time, but it is. I know the idea of still having over half of the deployment left is painful, because at least when he left the first time I knew I would be seeing him for R&R. So, I think I was able to hold it together until then. Now, the next time I see him feels like it is forever away. I know it is closer than I think and will go by faster than I think, but it is still just the way I feel right now.
One day at a time is the best I can do. It has gotten me this far and I know it will help get me to the finish line of the deployment. I just can't wait for this deployment to be over.
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