So, I went to church today. I haven't been going as regularly mostly on account of company or illness. Today at church I got the typical question, "How are you doing since Ian left?"
Que the lying game.
It really is a nasty habit, but it is easier for me to handle it this way. I always just answer, "I am okay." If it is someone who knows me or really cares they notice that as soon as I say that, I look away so they can't read the lie in my eyes. I make sure that I break the eye contact so that I don't think about it for too long to allow myself to tear up. For most though, asking the socially acceptable question of if I am okay (and not just at church, but work and my "social" life too), my response is a safe enough response that gives them an easy out. They just nod and say that is good to hear and walk on. For me, it keeps me from having to go over all of the stresses right now and keeps me from crying in front of people. It is an easy response that hides the fact that I am missing my best friend, scared for his safety, dealing with a child's birthday and Christmas within 10 days of each other, worried about my job or if I will have one soon, and my kids and myself being sick, all of which I am trying to deal with at the same time as everything else that is normal in life. I know I am complaining a bit, and it really is not like me to be so "weak," but at the moment I am, and it is something I have to accept, I can't always be strong. The one thing I am is I am still strong enough to look at someone and tell them I am okay and that I am making it, even when I am not. Until the occasional person who really cares calls me out on it, and then I break down a bit and share with them. With those people though, they are usually my safe harbor and people that I can trust to just listen when I need them and are people I am there for when they need me too.
For now, I am sharing on here. As I have said from day one on this blog, it is my own personal brand of therapy and it is a place that I can tell people how I am REALLY doing.
I think deployments this time of year are specially the worst. I remember Geralds last 15 month deployment and wow did I say "things are ok." I said that too much. You know better than most how over my head things got when I got sick last time he left.
ReplyDeleteI get the lie, I do. But please let it out to someone who can see the tears. Blogging helps. Someone sold infront of you might too. Thinking of you and wishing there was anything I could do to help you. I tear up thinking about that lie and how you use it, how too many use it. Sometimes it is not ok. ((hugs))