Day 48: Unexpected

Today was a pretty good day. I started the day off with giving my husband a Skype tour of the house. He wanted to see it and see if I have done anything different with it. I tried to tell him that I have literally moved nothing around in the house and it was exactly the same as when he left, but he still wanted to see it. I think he just wanted to see his home. I teased him that he was really just checking up on me to see how well I was keeping the house up. Of course, he said that was not the case. I thought it was funny at least.

At the end of our "tour," a friend of mine came over to drop off her kiddos while she had a doctor's appointment to go to. As they came to the door, Ian asked me to turn the camera around so he could see them. Sam is a new friend that my husband has never met, so I think he just wants to be able to put a face to the name. Sam was a good sport about it and said hi to Ian. After that, the kids played, Ian and I finished up our conversation, and then I dealt with a few phone calls I needed to make today. It wasn't anything super awesome, but still an accomplishment. After lunch my friend came and picked up the kids and then my kids and I relaxed for the afternoon, enjoying the A/C. I then made dinner and got the kids ready to go to VBS again tonight.

As we opened the front door to leave, we saw there was a package there. It was from 1-800-FLOWERS. I was shocked. At first I thought they must have delivered it to the wrong address. Then I looked and saw that it was addressed to me. I wondered who would send me flowers, I knew my husband could be the one that sent them, but he doesn't usually send flowers to me often. So, I opened the box and there were a dozen red roses in there! I was smiling. Then I grabbed the card and read it. It said: "I love you and I miss you, thought I would send some flowers to the woman that I will be spending the rest of my life with." And then, yes you guessed it, I started crying. I couldn't believe he had done this, and above all that, I can't believe that he surprised me! I usually am pretty difficult to take off guard. The last time he sent me flowers, he called me in the late morning and asked if I had received my flowers yet. I hadn't but then I knew I was getting flowers. So, I am so impressed that he refrained from asking me if I had received them when he called to say goodnight at around noon my time.

I have to say, I was crying for a little bit, but they were tears of happiness. I haven't cried about this deployment in a week or two. But tonight, I cried happy tears because my husband thought of me in Afghanistan and had flowers delivered to me for no other reason than to tell me he loves me and misses me. I cried because it was the sweetest thing he could have done. I cried because he used his own spending money to make my day better. I cried because I missed him, but felt close to him at that moment by reading his note. The flowers were nice. They were out in the heat for over an hour (because they didn't knock or ring the doorbell to tell me they were delivering them) so they were a little wilted. That didn't matter to me. The fact that they were sent is what mattered to me. The flowers themselves are not what made me cry, it was the action, the thought, the love in sending them that made me cry. The unexpected gesture of love.......WOW! It just made me feel so special. I walked around the rest of the night, smiling from ear to ear. I carried the note with me the whole night and still have it sitting next to me. Every time I read it, it just reminds me of him and the love that we share. It is enough to get me through this. Having the love of an amazing, heroic man is enough to make the distance mean nothing.

Another day done, one day closer to being in his arms again.

"If you love someone more than anything, then distance only matters to the mind, not to the heart."

Day 47: Can't Blame This One on the Deployment

Ok, so, my kids tried to make a liar out of me. It is like they read my post last night about how I am feeling stronger and deliberately tried to prove me wrong. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Today was supposed to be simple. Daniel needed to clean up his room, the girls needed to do theirs and work on one other simple chore before lunch. After lunch we were going to go do something fun. Even given child speed, the things they had to do should have only taken a hour to an hour and a half tops. I wanted to get some laundry done and get the floors ready to be mopped tonight while they worked on their chores. Well, that didn't happen. I was so busy trying to get the children to do their chores, that I got nothing done. Seriously, about 5 hours after we started, we finally got things done. It was painful. Like I said, it was like they wanted to prove I would break and that I was not as strong as I thought I was. Well, they learned otherwise. I did not break, and they did do their chores, no matter how long it took. By the time they got done, there was no way I was going to take them to an indoor bounce house that we have here. I was not going to reward their behavior for the day. Luckily for them, and me, they had an evening VBS (vacation bible school) to go to. It gave us a small break from each other, and when I picked them back up, we were all pretty happy again.

So, here I sit, bummed about the day, but knowing I made it through anyways. I would like to blame this one on the deployment, but I really can't. I mean, it is Monday. My husband would not have been home today anyways, so I would have been the one to deal with the kids all day and get them to do their chores. Now, granted, if he were home, he could have taken over a bit at lunch time or after work, but other than that, this was something I would normally have to deal with, with or without him. I mean, I would prefer to do this with him, but I can hold down the fort until he is here again.

I do have to laugh because when Ian talks to the kids over Skype and they do something that is not ok, he reminds them how they need to behave.When the girls were being rude to each other while on video call with Ian, Ian asked them to quit and just talk to him. When they didn't, he sent them to their rooms for a time out. Then a few minutes later asked me to get them and he talked to them about why he sent them to their rooms, then carried on their normal conversation. It shows them that miles apart, Ian and I are still a parenting unit, and the kids will still need to listen to their daddy, even though it is over the computer.

I miss him, but I am getting along. With God's help, I am getting through this. One day at a time.

Day 46: You are stronger than you think

Today was a good day. I was woken in the middle of the night by my husband's call. He just needed to tell me a quick little detail about the day and promised to try to call later. It lasted no more than a minute or two, but at the end, he asked that I please go back to sleep. It is that simple sentence that lets me know just how much he cares. I went back to sleep and was woken again by his phone call this morning. This time we had some more time to talk. It was a great way to start the day.

We then started our day and went to church this morning. After church we came home, cleaned up a little, did some grocery shopping, and then I took them to the movies. Sundays are cheap admission days for the theater, so we get to see a family friendly movie for $3 for all of us! The kids like it, but they miss their dad being here to share with them. So, while we were waiting for the movie to start, I asked the kids if they wanted to write daddy a letter with my phone. I told them that I would type and they could tell me what they wanted to say. So, each kid took turns telling me what to write their dad. It was a fun thing for them to do. Then, at the beginning of the movie, they always play the National Anthem. So we stand up and put our right hand over our hearts. Well, Daniel, so as not to leave anything out, puts his right hand over his heart and salutes with is left hand. It was so awesome. I wish I could have gotten a picture, but couldn't because I can't be that disrespectful to our National Anthem, but I am sure you all have a pretty nice mental picture of it.

Over the past few days, I have been realizing that I really am feeling stronger. Now, I know I have had my bad days that I have blogged about on here, but for the most part, those days had a catalyst (like the couch cutting incident). I am doing ok. I feel stronger. I feel like I can handle this. People, especially other wives going through a deployment, have asked me how I handle it. How do I handle all the reminders of him? How do I keep myself upright when I smell his deodorant (he doesn't wear cologne) or see his uniform lying at the end of the bed? How do I keep doing the things that he used to do with me? Well, the thing is, I don't try to avoid them at all. I embrace these reminders, because I know he is coming home to me and we will one day do the things we love doing together again. He is not gone, we are just geographically separated. It always hurts me when I hear wives talk about how they don't like to do certain things anymore because it reminds them too much of their husband or it was something they used to do with him. I think that we shouldn't shy away from those reminders, but embrace them. Be happy that you have those memories or that activity to connect you to your husband in your time of temporary separation. Trust me when I tell you this, for those of you that are military spouses, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK! I first saw this little sentence in a video slide show featuring pictures of military families and their deployed soldiers on a Facebook support page I belong to. It was literally in the first 30 seconds of the video, and immediately made me cry. Because, I didn't feel that strong, but that 6 word sentence yelled straight at me as if it was meant for only me. So, I will pass it on: You are stronger than you think. You and I will make it through this. Embrace the memories you have, do not run away from them. When you think of your husband, at any time of the day, say a prayer for him and his comrades in arms, embrace the feeling of pride you have for him more than the feeling of sadness or separation. You can miss your husband (the good Lord knows I do), but keep it healthy for you. Do more than just make it through, don't just survive, don't just do the bare minimum to get through the day. Embrace the day, live, thrive.

One more day is done. One more day stronger. One more day closer to seeing my amazing husband again.

Day 45: The Nation's loss

Today was a descent day. I got to see my husband over a video call. We caught up on everything again and talked about the future to come. We discussed plans for R&R and about setting aside the money so we could do a few short trips while he is home. We are communicating well. That is something I am proud of. We have always been a couple that talks about everything, and not even the distance is changing that. It is nice to know, though I did not doubt it, that a pillar of our marriage is still holding strong. I also did some clothes shopping for the kids. All of them, but Daniel especially, are growing out of their clothes quickly. It was awesome because the PX (Post Exchange) was having a clearance sale on all their already clearance priced clothes. I got $331 worth of clothes for all three kids for a third of the cost. So, aside from a few extra pairs of pants, they are set.

This morning, as I started the internet for a video call, I was very upset to learn about the helicopter crash in Afghanistan that took the lives of 31 American soldiers and 7 Afghan soldiers. Sadly, the news came out shortly after it happened, which means, most likely, the families had not all been notified. My heart breaks for those 31 families as they may have found out on the news, something that should be, and mostly is, avoided at all costs. I pray for those families that are grieving right now and for those soldiers we lost. Our nation lost a lot of great soldiers today. With a heavy heart, I ask you all to give a moment of silence and join me as I pray for the fallen soldiers and the families they left behind, this goes for all soldiers we have lost today and in the past, those that we haven't heard in the news.

So, that is all for tonight. The event of the day was really all I could write about. Another day gone, for better or worse. Another day closer to seeing my love.

Day 44: Hearing my real life

Today was one of those busy days, for the most part. It was actually the morning that was busy. I got up early so I could get the kids out the door and we could go deliver our cake along with a friend who had a cake to deliver as well. It was a very productive drive. We dropped my cake off first in a town that was about 30 miles from us, then went to another town that was 40 mi from there to deliver my friend's cake. On our way back, we stopped back in the town we delivered the first cake because I needed to pick up the materials for my teaching credential program. My friend also met with someone there to pick up cake making supplies. So, yeah, killed 4 birds with one stone on that trip. Super awesome. Once we got home, I napped on the couch with the kids a little because I was just plain tired and the meds I am on right now make me a little nauseated, and resting helps it. After that, I was trying to figure out what to do for dinner and I got a text from my awesome friend, Mellissa. She invited me over to another friend's house for pizza. I was happy to accept the invitation because with my week and her week being so busy, I haven't seen her at all! So there we were, 3 women and 9 kids in one house! Fun times. Our kids all play together well and it was nice to just hang out.

I talked to Ian today and just caught up on what has gone on the past few days. He called while I was driving so I had him on the car bluetooth. Every few minutes we would be interrupted by the kids yelling or fighting in the back seat. No matter how many times I tell them to be quiet when I am on the phone, especially with daddy, they still end up being loud. As, I am telling the kids to be quiet, Ian starts laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he responds that it is just hearing the kids. I then apologize for them being so loud. Ian replies with, "It's ok. I like it. It is real life. I like hearing the normal everyday stuff. I miss it." Of course, because I am in the middle of the yelling, I am thinking "How can you miss this?" But, I can understand that hearing the everyday noises reminds him of being home. I still can't help but apologize when Daniel lets out a scream for no reason and I have to yell back to him to get him to stop. Ian always tells me it is ok and now I know it really doesn't bother him. It is our life together. It is the way he remembers when he was home. So, hearing it is kind of like smelling your childhood favorite home cooked meal on the stove, it just takes you back to that time. I guess the ear piercing scream can do that too.

Just have to keep making it through one day at a time. So far, I am making it.

Day 43: Kicking Deployment's Butt!

Today was a busy day. I can't seem to have a GREAT day, but mostly have good days with some issues during the day that don't haappen to outweigh the good stuff. I am volunteering for an organization that makes birthday cakes for under privledged kids. My first cake is due tomorrow, so I had to work on it today. Well, I started it early and was doing good on time because I had a doctor's appointment at 1pm. So right around 1130am, I go to use the cake I baked so I could start frosting it. Well, when I turned it over onto the cake board, a part of the top stuck to the cooling rack. It was fixable, but then, I tasted the piece that was left on the rack.... yeah, it wasn't done all the way. My goal was to have it baked and iced before my doctor's appointment so I could decorate it after my appointment. Well, this changed all that. I didn't have time to bake another one before my appointment, so I had to put it off until I got home. Long story short, I got it done and it looks cool!

I realized today that despite having some setbacks, I still pushed through and made it work. This is a day where I can say that I am kicking the deployment's butt and not the other way around. It is a nice thing to realize, that you are succeeding more than often than not. I am proud of the day I had and the accomplishments of the day. It was a descent day.

A friend of mine reminded me that I never blogged about what happened at the appointment for my teaching credential program. So, here it is. I went into the appointment and gave them my transcripts and my application. Then the office manager reminded me that I had to take a test. This wasn't a test that you could prepare for. It was a critical thinking type of test. Very different. I took it and finished relatively quickly. Apparently, I did well. I then spoke with the director of the program and she discussed the fees with me. She knew, from my conversation with the office manager, that money was going to be an issue and that my husband was currently deployed. I told her I wasn't sure if I could come up with the money for the in-class teaching in 6 weeks. She said not to worry, she was going to give me a SCHOLARSHIP! I couldn't believe it! Apparently, from the test results, my GPA, and coursework in college, she thought I had potential and did not want to see me have to put it off. I about started crying. I couldn't thank her enough. With that settled, I agreed to the program and finished my application. This is a HUGE step for me and for my family. By taking this class, I will end up a fully certified teacher and will be able to start getting experience as a teacher. Having experience as a teacher will help us in our future endeavors, whether we are military or civilian. It will set us up for the future. I can't wait. It was truly an unexpected blessing.

Another day has gone by, bringing me even closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 42: Changing over the past 10 years

This past week and a half, I have been watching my class reunion's Facebook page to see what is going to happen with it. I keep seeing old friends from high school that I haven't seen since I got married and moved away. Facebook wasn't around back then, and, to be perfectly honest here, I SUCK at writing letters or initiating phone calls. I don't mean to, but it is an unfortunate side effect of my horrible memory. Anyways, as I look back at old friends and such, I think about all that has gone on in each of our lives over the past 10 years that put us in separate places from one another. I think about how I came to be an Army wife, living away from my family and away from my hometown... I NEVER thought I would leave my hometown, but here I am, having live in another country and a few other states.

I bring this up because I have thought about the whole "what if" thing. What if Ian hadn't enlisted in the Army? What if I would have stayed in California while he went to Germany? What if we would have gotten out sooner? I only reflect on these things, not because I wish we would have done anything different. The opposite really, I wouldn't change a thing. Even everything that we each went through that led us to each other, I would not have changed a single thing, good, bad, or otherwise. The thing is, that all those what ifs that could have gone a different way, shaped who I am. I think about if I had not married my husband, I would be in my hometown still, and not sure about what my life would be like. Had my husband not joined the Army, we would never have left our hometown. I would not be the one who is willing to move to a new place, I would want to stay where it is comfortable. If I had not gone to Germany with my husband, I would not have learned independence. I would not have embraced my role as mother and wife as whole heartedly as I did when we moved to Germany and I was pushed into it. All of the experiences I have had as an Army wife has made me into a stronger woman who is more devoted to her husband with every passing day. It has shaped me. Even this deployment is shaping me. It is making me stronger. Some days I don't feel like it is, but I know in the end, I will be a slightly different person, I will be stronger and my husband and I will grow closer together from this experience.

The one experience that changed my whole perspective on life happened in Germany, 6 months after we had moved there. It was our first duty station, and my first time not living within 1-3 hours drive of my parents/family. So, I went from seeing them every other weekend to living on another continent. It was a very depressing time for me. I hated it there (I now realize it is my attitude that makes a place good or bad, not the place I am in). I wanted to go home and be near my family. So, 6 months in, I was sitting at the food court on post when an older woman walks up to me and tells me how beautiful my daughter's hair was. She was talking about Emily, who at the time was 3 years old and had gorgeous wavy/curly hair. It was long, but about two days before this, I had cut a good 3 inches off because it was looking a little scraggly. I told the woman thank you, but that my mom was going to be upset with me when she finds out I cut it (my mom loved my daughter's long hair). The woman looked puzzled. She asked why that mattered. The only answer I could give was, "Well, she is my mom and she loves my daughter's hair being longer." The woman asked if it was the best thing for my daughter and I responded with a yes and told her about the dead ends and such. Then she said something that woke me up. I call it God's smack in the back of my head. She said, that while I love my mother and my mother loves me and my kids, my primary role was not as her daughter anymore. My focus and primary role is as a mother and a wife. My role as a daughter was second now. So, I had to do what was best for my kids and my husband. That second, it clicked. Up to that moment, I was so focused on missing my parents and my family, that I wasn't accepting my new role. I was hanging on to the role as daughter too much and not embracing the new role I had to play. That is why I was so depressed. As soon as that light flicked on, my thought process changed. My hometown is my hometown, not my home. My home is where ever my husband and children are. Let me tell you, that changed everything about me.

I have told that story to a few brand new military wives and explained about the new role they were venturing into (these were newly weds with babies on the way mostly). I heard back from one of them, telling me that she went home that night, told her husband my story, and they sat down and talked about it. They decided that they would work to adjust their perspectives and turn to each other first. Now, this does not mean we don't need our parents or that our parents can not support us, it just means that we have grown up, just as they wanted us to. I still constantly ask my mom for advice and my dad for help (especially with my car, he knows cars), but I am not homesick anymore. I still miss them and want to visit (or better yet have them come visit) as often as possible. I love them and they will always be my parents, my supporters, the ones who will love me no matter what. It will always feel like I am coming home in a sense of back to my childhood home. Now, though, my home is here, with my children and husband. The state, the city, the four walls that surround us, they don't matter. Us being together and being there for each other, now that matters.