This past week and a half, I have been watching my class reunion's Facebook page to see what is going to happen with it. I keep seeing old friends from high school that I haven't seen since I got married and moved away. Facebook wasn't around back then, and, to be perfectly honest here, I SUCK at writing letters or initiating phone calls. I don't mean to, but it is an unfortunate side effect of my horrible memory. Anyways, as I look back at old friends and such, I think about all that has gone on in each of our lives over the past 10 years that put us in separate places from one another. I think about how I came to be an Army wife, living away from my family and away from my hometown... I NEVER thought I would leave my hometown, but here I am, having live in another country and a few other states.
I bring this up because I have thought about the whole "what if" thing. What if Ian hadn't enlisted in the Army? What if I would have stayed in California while he went to Germany? What if we would have gotten out sooner? I only reflect on these things, not because I wish we would have done anything different. The opposite really, I wouldn't change a thing. Even everything that we each went through that led us to each other, I would not have changed a single thing, good, bad, or otherwise. The thing is, that all those what ifs that could have gone a different way, shaped who I am. I think about if I had not married my husband, I would be in my hometown still, and not sure about what my life would be like. Had my husband not joined the Army, we would never have left our hometown. I would not be the one who is willing to move to a new place, I would want to stay where it is comfortable. If I had not gone to Germany with my husband, I would not have learned independence. I would not have embraced my role as mother and wife as whole heartedly as I did when we moved to Germany and I was pushed into it. All of the experiences I have had as an Army wife has made me into a stronger woman who is more devoted to her husband with every passing day. It has shaped me. Even this deployment is shaping me. It is making me stronger. Some days I don't feel like it is, but I know in the end, I will be a slightly different person, I will be stronger and my husband and I will grow closer together from this experience.
The one experience that changed my whole perspective on life happened in Germany, 6 months after we had moved there. It was our first duty station, and my first time not living within 1-3 hours drive of my parents/family. So, I went from seeing them every other weekend to living on another continent. It was a very depressing time for me. I hated it there (I now realize it is my attitude that makes a place good or bad, not the place I am in). I wanted to go home and be near my family. So, 6 months in, I was sitting at the food court on post when an older woman walks up to me and tells me how beautiful my daughter's hair was. She was talking about Emily, who at the time was 3 years old and had gorgeous wavy/curly hair. It was long, but about two days before this, I had cut a good 3 inches off because it was looking a little scraggly. I told the woman thank you, but that my mom was going to be upset with me when she finds out I cut it (my mom loved my daughter's long hair). The woman looked puzzled. She asked why that mattered. The only answer I could give was, "Well, she is my mom and she loves my daughter's hair being longer." The woman asked if it was the best thing for my daughter and I responded with a yes and told her about the dead ends and such. Then she said something that woke me up. I call it God's smack in the back of my head. She said, that while I love my mother and my mother loves me and my kids, my primary role was not as her daughter anymore. My focus and primary role is as a mother and a wife. My role as a daughter was second now. So, I had to do what was best for my kids and my husband. That second, it clicked. Up to that moment, I was so focused on missing my parents and my family, that I wasn't accepting my new role. I was hanging on to the role as daughter too much and not embracing the new role I had to play. That is why I was so depressed. As soon as that light flicked on, my thought process changed. My hometown is my hometown, not my home. My home is where ever my husband and children are. Let me tell you, that changed everything about me.
I have told that story to a few brand new military wives and explained about the new role they were venturing into (these were newly weds with babies on the way mostly). I heard back from one of them, telling me that she went home that night, told her husband my story, and they sat down and talked about it. They decided that they would work to adjust their perspectives and turn to each other first. Now, this does not mean we don't need our parents or that our parents can not support us, it just means that we have grown up, just as they wanted us to. I still constantly ask my mom for advice and my dad for help (especially with my car, he knows cars), but I am not homesick anymore. I still miss them and want to visit (or better yet have them come visit) as often as possible. I love them and they will always be my parents, my supporters, the ones who will love me no matter what. It will always feel like I am coming home in a sense of back to my childhood home. Now, though, my home is here, with my children and husband. The state, the city, the four walls that surround us, they don't matter. Us being together and being there for each other, now that matters.
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