Day 100- Triple digits!

What a milestone for me today. Not sure why that is, maybe it is just the novelty of reaching 100 days of this deployment. I almost can't believe that I have come this far, and yet everyday has been a challenge in and of itself. 100 days without the love of my life. 100 days of worry. 100 days of being a single parent. 100 days of telling my kids that daddy is okay and sends his love when he can't do it himself. 100 emails to my husband telling him every boring detail of our lives. 100 blog posts telling anyone who wants to read what is going on with me. My 100 days of deployment therapy.


Today is a day that I feel strong and weak all at the same time. It is not normal for me. I am generally a strong person, and feeling weak makes me want to try harder. Or, stealing a phrase I think is awesome, I try to "fake it til I make it." I tell myself I will be okay and that I can do this, when I really feel the opposite. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For the most part though, I am surviving. I am missing him a lot, but still functioning well. I haven't wanted to curl into the fetal position in a few weeks, so that is a plus!

100 Days are done! Just have to keep taking it one day at a time and eventually those days add up to 100, and keep going. Getting closer to seeing him!

Day 99: Short and sweet

Today has been a LONG day. I taught all day, got off at 3:45pm, ran home, changed, ran back to the school I just taught at for an "open house" (not anything like the open houses when I was a kid) at 4pm that was basically just them telling us general things about the curriculum, left there to drive to class, sat through class, and got back home around 10pm. I am exhausted. I hope tomorrow will be a little better, but I am not holding out much hope. I don't have class, but I have at least 4-5 hours of homework to do plus bake, stack, and ice Emily's birthday cake, all after I work until 3:30pm. Probably not going to get much rest tomorrow either. Guess I will sleep in November.

Basically tonight is a lot of the same as last night. Mostly, I just miss my husband more and more as the days go by. These busy days are good, but it also keeps me from being able to talk to him. So, this is something I saw on Facebook a while back and wanted to share it.

The smile you get for no particular reason, that's me thinking about you. The tingle you get that you just can't explain, that's me missing you. The feeling that you get that someone is watching over you when you need it the most, that's me from halfway around the world. Thinking about, missing, and watching over all my loved ones every day from miles away.

 Another day is done. I am getting so much closer to seeing him again, even if only for two weeks, it will be enough to get me through.

Day 98: Routine

I am starting to find my routine now. It is a tough one, but it helps. I don't get more sleep because of my class, but at least I get everything done. I am starting to get into the swing of going to work, going to school, doing homework after school, and writing in my blog. I have been tempted to let it slide, but I am glad that I have kept at it. Even though I am not writing much, it still helps me to have this outlet. It is the one place I go every night to write about what has gone on or how I am feeling.

For example, right now, I am feeling a little alone. I am working and going to school and doing homework. I really don't have time for me. I don't have time to sit and talk with my friends and be there for the ones who need me right now. That really sucks, because I really want to be there for my friends and I truly miss them, and I just can't seem to find the time. It is a lonely place for me right now. I know I am not friendless, but I feel like I can't be a good friend to people right now, at least not the way I want to, so I can't expect people to be there for me. Not to mention, even if I wanted to meet up with someone, I just flat out don't have time. Even when I do have some time, it is being spent doing homework. Plus, I don't really get a lot of time with the kids, and I am missing that a lot too. So, yeah, I am lonely right now. Plus, I heard a song on the radio on the way home that made me miss my husband even more, which added to my feeling of loneliness. I know this is just temporary, and I will get through it, but I am just complaining a little.

Another day is done, and we are getting just that much closer to reunion time! Oh, the dreams I have about that day.

Day 97: Still trying to take care of me

Today was a good day, not as busy as it was supposed to be, but still busy enough. This morning, my husband called in time to say hi to the two youngest before they headed to school. It was fun to watch them talk to him and tell him about what they are going to do and what they did yesterday. Ian had to go and eat lunch and I had to take the kids to school, but Ian promised he would call back after dinner so we could have time to talk. It was a good conversation. We laughed together a lot, which was nice.

Ian knows my schedule and knows what I am trying to do with my schooling and with my substitute job. He knows that I am working so I can have both experience and some extra money for when he comes home. As we were talking today I was telling him about my schedule and that I am concerned that I don't know if I will be able to get everything done for Emily's birthday party this weekend. He then asked me what I am working. When I told him, he wasn't very happy. He keep telling me that I need to slow down and focus on my school work... which is true. I just want to make sure we have enough extra money to do the things that my children, my husband, and I want to do while my husband is home on R&R. Of course, my husband's response is that we don't have to do anything while he is home and that I need to take some days off of work. I keep telling him that I will be okay, but he wants to take care of me. So he is trying to help me create a schedule of things to do, and even helped me with my homework.

On Skype, we worked together and brainstormed ideas about an assignment that was due today and it really helped me get it done. He also helped me put together a graphic for a classroom arrangement that was due today. I told him what I wanted done, and on his day off, he helped me get it done.

It is just another thing I love about him. Even in a war zone, he wants to help me as much as he can and will even use some of his time off to help me with my homework as well as talk to me. I couldn't ask for a more supportive and loving husband than Ian. It is funny, because, I am supposed to be the one supporting him, and, here he is, supporting me right back.

Another day done, and we are getting so close to R&R. I am looking forward to touching his face in person, and not on a computer screen or picture frame.

Day 96: Be Proud

Today has been a busy day, and tomorrow is going to be just as busy, so I am going to keep this simple. If I am going to do well in school and work, I need to get to bed. But, one quick story first. I substituted in a  high school math class. I opened the class telling the students that my name is Mrs. Sabin and I would like to be called that. Not miss or teacher, but Mrs. Sabin. They asked if they could call me Mrs. S. I said no and told them that I am proud of my last name and deserve the respect of the students addressing me properly. Then a student asked why I was proud of my name. I simply told them that it is my husband's last name and I am proud of him and proud to be married to him and would appreciate it very much if they showed that name and me the respect deserved. That got their attention real quick and they called me Mrs. Sabin the whole period.

On Facebook tonight I saw a friend post this and loved it. It really hits on what we as Army wives go through, with or without children. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did because it made me tear up a little.

This is for the young women that are waking up at 6 a.m. every morning with small precious children that they have been left alone to care for. 

This is for the pregnant Military wife wondering if her husband will make it home in time to watch their miracle happen. 

This is for the childless Military wife, living in a town or on a base alone where she is a complete stranger to her surroundings. 

This is for the women that feel like a third leg when they go out with their friends and their husbands. 

This is for the Military wife that cancelled all her plans to wait by the phone, and even though the phone broke up and cut off every time you spoke to him you waited anyway. 

This is a pledge to the women that cry themselves to sleep in an empty bed. 

This is to recognize the woman that felt like she was dying inside when he said he had to go, but smiled for him anyway. 

This is for those of you that are faithfully in that long line at the post office once a month handling 2 large boxes and 2 small children like a pro. 

This is for that woman that decided to remodel the house to pass time, and then realized that she had no idea what she was doing and sighed and wished she had a little help. 

This is for all the lonely nights, all the one-person dinners, and all of the wondering thoughts because you haven't heard from him in days. 

A toast to you for falling apart, and putting yourselves back together. Because a pay check isn't enough, a body pillow in your bed is no consolation, and a web cam can never compare. 

This is for all of you no matter how easy or hard this was for you. 

Our military men are brave, they are heroes, but so are we. 

So the next time someone tells you that they would never marry a Military guy, don't bother explaining to them that you can't control who you fall in love with. 

Just think of this and nod your head, know that you are the stronger woman. 

Hold your heads up high, hang that flag in your front yard, stick 100 magnets on your car, and then give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud to be the woman that you are, be proud to be a
MILITARY WIFE

Day 95: Just Breathe

Last night after writing my blog, I started to aimlessly look around my Facebook profile and looked at my pictures. I saw one of my husband and me at a friend's house over a year ago and it made me smile. I then went to my husband's profile, even though he doesn't get on it much, just to look at his pictures. As I scrolled through his wall, I saw his few posts since he deployed, and it made me start to miss him. I heard him saying the things he posted in his voice and saw his little picture next to it, and it made me feel like he was right here saying it. I also read some of our friends' responses to him. The show of support and love from our friends was heart warming. Again, it made me proud to be his wife, but I also missed him like crazy.

So, that is how I went to bed. Missing him. I went upstairs, unable to force myself to get in our bed, and settled for the recliner in the corner of my room instead. Just as I was about to settle in for the night, I got a text message. It was from my husband. He was telling me that he was back at the FOB and that he loved me. Those two simple sentences changed my mood. I had been missing him, mostly I think, because I was worried about him and it had been a few days since I had last spoken to him. Plus, I wasn't sure how long he would be out of contact. That one simple text allowed me to breathe again. I smiled and sent back a quick response telling him I loved him too and that I was happy to hear he was back. Daniel then came into my room after having a bad dream, so I ended up back in my bed holding him as he fell back asleep.

Today, I got to see my husband again via Skype. The kids got to talk to him for the first time in over a week. It was a great conversation. The kids were their normal selves and it made Ian smile and laugh. Just seeing his face again made me smile and I, again, took a deep breath just knowing he was okay. What a feeling! I was flying for the rest of the day.

It hit me about how my mood runs most of the time in direct correlation to the worry I feel for my husband. On days when I get to talk to him and know he is okay, I am pretty happy and determined to have a good day. On days when I haven't heard from him and am worried, I am more depressed, sad, and struggling to make it through the day. Those days when I am struggling, my kids might hear me say, "Just breathe" to myself. Most of the time, though, I am able to say it out of earshot of the kids and I have to tell myself to breathe just so I can keep it all together in front of them. An image of the time we have left that separates my husband and me or of his uniform hanging in my closet makes me want to cry, but if my kids are around, I can't. I have to keep breathing and keep from breaking down. "Just breathe," I whisper, "Just breathe." I can make it through the rough days if I just breathe.

Another day is done, and I am getting closer to his return and even closer to his R&R.

Day 94: No News for me

I stayed busy most of the day, cleaning the house really well, hoping that will help get me through this insane week coming up. It is the calm before the storm. Then I took the girls to their swim lessons. After swim lessons, I invited my awesome friend Lyssa over for dinner. It was a great night. We just hung out and talked and let the kids play. I loved it because I have been so busy this week that I haven't had any time to see her and I have missed talking to her. Now, I am getting some homework done and then heading to bed.

My husband called me at 3am, something he never does, to tell me that he is ok. That usually means that I will probably hear something on the news about soldiers being hurt, but that neither he nor his team were involved. I didn't get it at first when he called at 3 am, I was too tired to think clearly. Plus, the call only lasted 2 minutes because he only had time to say hi, he was okay, that he loved me, and to give the kids a kiss for him. It was only later when I told my dad that he had called that my dad told me why he thought Ian called, because my dad saw news. I don't watch the news for that very reason, but it sounded about right as to why he would call me like that. Either way, it was good for me and hearing his voice always makes me feel better.

I don't watch the news. I learned that I would avoid it as I watched my many friends whose husbands were deployed. The would watch the news, hear something about that area of the world, and start freaking out until they heard from their husband again. I also did that when my high school friend deployed in the first few years of the war. I would hear something about the 82nd Airborne and would freak out wondering if she was okay. I wasn't an Army wife then and I didn't understand the breakdown of Army units, so every time I heard 82nd Airborne, I thought it was her unit. With my husband's deployment, I have decided to avoid a lot of the news channels and when I do want to look at news, I look up certain topics, like the Republican debates or new proposed bills. I avoid news about the war. I have enough worry in my mind already without having to read reports about what may or may not have happened downrange. I am not naive, I know what is going on there, I know the danger there. I just choose not to focus on it and drive myself crazy. The news can be a helpful tool, but in my world, it would hinder me more than it would help me. So, I will just have to wait for my next phone call from my husband telling me he is okay and then I can breathe again.

Another day done, another day closer to picking up where we left off.