Day 107: His mood, my mood, our mood

So, today I realized that some of my moods correlate with Ian's moods. He had a rough day a few days ago, and I found myself sympathizing with him to the extent that I was feeling down. Well, today, Ian called, as well as wrote, me telling me about his day. He was in a much better mood and I found myself so happy to hear it that it really set the mood for my day. It was still a busy day that had some ups and downs, but I was still mostly feeling good. I am so tied to him that when he is happy, I am happy. That may sound weird, but it is right for me. Nothing makes me happier than when my husband and children are happy and okay. They are my life and they help make me who I am now. So, to me it is natural that either my husband's or my kids' moods help (or hurt) my mood. The past 3 days have shown that to me.

I am getting giddy because I know my husband is coming home for R&R soon. I love this kind of countdown! One more day is done, and I am another day closer.

Day 106: Bummed

Not to sound too whiny, but today was a bummer kind of day. Basically I wanted a particular teaching job, but after making all the calls and such, I found out that basically I am two weeks shy of being eligible for that position and there is no way to keep if for me until I become eligible, because I can't "Guarantee" I will pass the test, although, I know I can.

So, yeah, I am bummed because in the short time I have been working with this class, there have already been improvements, and they feel like my students. I guess I just wish Ian was here to talk to about this whole thing and for him to hug me. It is one of the three hardest parts of this deployment for me, needing him to hold me and he can't. The other two are when he needs me and I can't be there for him, and when the kids miss him and he isn't here. Everything else is not as bad, but those three things top my "Deployment Sucks" list.

Upside is that R&R is getting so close now. I cannot wait until he is home again, even if it is for a little while. I just miss him! I am getting closer to it, one day at a time.

Day 105: He needs me, and I can't be there.

Today was a good day, but again, I am just spent. I found myself talking to my husband late last night and again earlier today for only a few minutes at each time. I felt helpless. I wanted to be there for him more, but I had to go to work and could not stay on the phone like he needed me to. He needed to talk longer about the not-so-good day he had, and I could only listen for a little bit. I know that hearing my voice and the short time we talked helped him, but I just wish I could have been there for him a little more. This is the kind of day that makes me not like the fact that I am working. It makes me want to stay home and sit at the computer and wait for him to call so I can be there for him.

For tonight, I am going to head to bed and get a good night's sleep before I break. Another day done and I am getting closer to seeing him again.

Also, here are the two cakes I did on Monday and Tuesday night.

Day 104: Pairing down the commitments

Today was a busy day and I am seriously exhausted. I am grateful that I did not have school this week or I would be done. I mostly took on some extra stuff, like two cakes, with the assumption that I had an easy week at work. I was only supposed to work a few half days and one full day. Since I got moved to a full day class for the rest of the week, my prior commitments got a little crazy. In the end though, I got the two cakes done and my dad was my delivery driver.

Today has been a day of reflection. I have really had to think about my main purpose, my priorities, and the things I just like to do, and how I can fit all those in. To add a little more into the mix, I am increasingly getting worse and worse the more I go without talking to Ian, especially when it is because of my being at work. Now, I know I cannot put life on hold and sit around the house all day and wait for his call. I guess I just got used to seeing and talking to him during the day, and I am really starting to miss it. I talk to him off and on, but usually is for maybe 10 minutes at a time. Yes, I have been spoiled with the times I get to talk to him, and I am proud of it. :-)

So, I realized, as I was begging my awesome friend to bake for me last night and as I was sitting here and decorating a cake when I should have been asleep, that I might need to step away from the cake decorating altogether. I do love it. And I will miss it. I just have to focus on my priorities which are my kids, my husband, my work, my class, and sleep. Once things slow down a bit, I might be able to pick up something here and there, but I just have to pick and choose what to do. It sucks, but it is a fact of life, not just for Army wives, but everyone. We all have to choose our priorities and decide what is best for us and/or our families. I think that until I find a full-time teaching job, I am going to have to cut down my sub hours too. I need time to take care of the house, visit the kids at school, talk to my husband, and have some me time. I need that for my own sanity.

The trick is to actually do that. Lets hope I can figure it out. For now, I am another day down and I am another day closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 103: The best laid plans

Today was kind of an up and down day. I substituted at my younger children's school again for the same teacher I subbed for last week. Bonus was that I knew the kids' names already and it was a pretty good day. I had an issue with a child that was an office visit kink of problem. Apparently, the Assistant Principal liked how I handled it so much that she pulled me off the sub job I have for the rest of the week, and asked me to take a class for the rest of this week. I was shocked. I told her that I had no problem with it and was more than happy to help wherever I could. So, I stayed later than expected today to set up for my day tomorrow.

I am so happy that I have full days all week, because it is great experience and also helps out with money. The problem is that I had already made plans to make a few cakes because I knew I would have a two half days and two days I was not going to be working. So now, I am going to have a problem with making these cakes because I don't have the time I thought I did. It just goes to show you that even the best laid plans are never definite. Luckily, I have awesome friends. My cake making buddy, Carmon, is going to help me out by baking one for me and I will decorate it. That will help me out a bunch! So, now, I am going to be busy again this week, even though it was supposed to be an easy week. Oh, well, all things happen for a reason and I think this sub job is going to be a good thing for me.

I made it through another day without him. Happy I made it through, but wish I didn't have to do it without him. We are getting so close to R&R I can taste it!

Day 102: Another special occasion

I have to admire my husband. He is such a loving and devoted father to our children. Today was our oldest daughter, Emily's, birthday. This is the second year in a row he has missed her birthday. Last year he was TDY (or training for you civilians) and had to miss her birthday. Last year, he sent Emily a small birthday present to her through the mail, which meant a lot more to her than if I would have given it to her telling her it was from daddy. This year, he did the same thing. Only this time, he sent her the video game she has been begging for over the past 4-5 months. We wanted to make her wait to open it at the party, but decided to let her open it this morning while she was on Skype with Ian. Her reaction made Ian smile and tear up a little. He knew how much it meant to her. It was an awesome start to the day.

Then, at the party, Ian got up at 2:30am to Skype Emily via my phone so he could sing "Happy Birthday" to her with the rest of us. It really was so cool. Ian was there. He may not have physically been there, but he was there. His dedication was recognized by Emily and she was beaming as she watched her daddy sing to her. It made me cry.

It was at that moment that I realized we are doing something right. We are staying so connected it is amazing. I know technology is helping, but a big part of it is dedication, especially on Ian's side. It is dedication to his wife, his kids, and the life we are living here, the life he is going to come home to. He could very easily have said that talking to her in the morning and seeing her open her gift was good enough and left it at that. But, he didn't he wanted to know what time the party was and what time I would be expecting to sing to her. Then he went to bed early so he could get up to be there for her party. And, he was. He was there with all of his heart, tired as he was, he sang to her, watched her blow out her candles and let her show him her friends. It was so special.

I really couldn't have asked for more from my husband. I really couldn't have asked for a better father for my kids and a better husband for me. He is devoted. It is that simple. Our children know he loves them, and he is bound and determined to be there whenever he can. That is how we have made this work. This is how we are so far apart, yet united as ever.

Another successful, special day. These are the days I am scared of, but today we made it through.

A picture of the cake I made for Emily.

Day 101: Catching up

Today was a pretty good day, aside from the class that I have to be in for the whole morning. Class itself wasn't bad, I was just tired and really did not want to get up at 6:15am on a Saturday to go to class. Mostly I missed my kids. I really haven't seen them much lately, and have wanted to just hang out with them. Today though, they had a kid expo up near where my class was, so my dad came up with the kids and picked me up. We spent over an hour in there and the kids had fun. On the way home, we stopped to pick up the last few things for Emily's birthday party tomorrow. When we came out of the store, I couldn't find my keys. I dumped out my purse completely and they were no where to be found. So, I ran back inside to look for it. I found it in the last place we were at, meaning, I had carried it around the whole store and right towards the end, I put it down and forgot it! I was so mad at myself, because I never walk around with my key in my hand, I always put it in my purse. Shows how tired and stressed I am. We came home and I started on Emily's cake. It is progressing slowly. I think I will do the majority of it tomorrow morning.

Tonight I got to talk to my husband, a lot. He is "off" today (Sunday for him) and the computers were not busy, so we got to talk for a while. It was nice because I had been so busy lately that out conversations have been short and sporadic. I really noticed how much I had been missing because of my job and school. I know it is necessary, and I can't always hang out at home to talk to him, but I want to. I want to talk to him every chance he has to call. My realities and priorities are lined up correctly in my head, but emotionally, I want nothing more than to talk to him every second of every day. For now, our weekends are going to be our cherished time to talk to each other, and that will have to be good enough to get us through.

Inching closer to that finish line, one foot at a time!