I can't help it. I miss him. I miss my husband so badly it is painful. Days like today, days where we are supposed to be spending it together, in each other's arms and watching our kids play. So, it was hard doing what we could to be together during this holiday, but still feeling the pain of separation. It is even harder when my husband talks to me about how much he is missing us and wishes he was here to spend Christmas with us.
To be honest, we did the best we could for the day. My husband was able to Skype with us and watch the kids open presents. It was really amazing to watch the kids open presents and show them to Ian. It really was like he was sitting right here. Despite my husband being exhausted, he stayed with us through the whole thing, showing his excitement for the kids' presents and hiding his own feelings from the kids. He is my hero. I could see how much he was missing us and how he was trying to just enjoy the time and not focus on the sadness. He and I sat for a few minutes and talked (and I cried a bit) and said how much we were missing each other. We had out emotional moment, talked each other down, and joined back into the celebration with the kids. It was our little timeout, but helped us to keep up the happy faces for the kids so they could enjoy their Christmas. After all the presents were opened, the kids said bye to their dad, told him thank you for the gifts and wished him a Merry Christmas, and then ran off to play with all their new toys. Ian and I sat on the computer for a few more minutes before he had to go and discussed things related to our everyday lives.
All in all, it wasn't a horrible day and we managed pretty well with the circumstances. That is all you can do. You are given a situation to deal with and you have to chose how you will handle it. You can chose to let it get you down and ruin special days. Or you can chose to make the best of what you have and take what you can get. We chose to take what we can get. If that means that for this year all we can get is Ian here via Skype, then we will take it, because it is better than nothing at all. I also know that this is temporary and that he will be celebrating Christmas with us next year.
The big holiday is done and a success thanks to my husband's dedication, my family and their generosity, and technology. We are getting closer, I just have to hold on to that.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Day 186: Christmas Eve- Single Santa
So, today was a good day, well, as good as could be expected. I can't help but miss my husband terribly on days like today. My dad is here though and has been good company and the kids loved seeing him again. We drove around and did some last minute shopping and then went to church tonight. After church, we had dinner at home and made sugar cookies for Santa. The kids really loved it but got to bed a lot later than expected. That meant that my job as the single Santa was going to start late and end late.
It is another one of those things you don't think about until you are in the middle of it. Tonight, I realized that I forgot to wrap any of the presents before now. Usually, when I do that, it isn't a big deal because Ian is here to help with the wrapping. Well, tonight, I had to take care of it. My dad helped a little with handing me tape and stuff, but I did all the wrapping. Not that I am complaining, because he did help, just that I had a lot to do. When I was about 3/4 the way through, my dad called it a night, and I finished up on my own. I sat there watching TV, wrapping gifts, and thinking about the fact that Ian and I would be doing this together right now if he were home. I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I am whining, it is just how I feel. I accept the situation and am learning to cope, it is just days like this that are upsetting and make me miss him more than usual.
So, it is 1am and my single Santa duties are done. It took a lot longer than I expected, but that is okay. The kids will be happy to see it. Even though most of it is from our families, the kids will still have a great Christmas. Hopefully, Ian will be able to Skype us in the morning, or at the very least, call us. For now, I am going to try and get a few hours sleep before my kids come running in my room to yell that Santa came.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
It is another one of those things you don't think about until you are in the middle of it. Tonight, I realized that I forgot to wrap any of the presents before now. Usually, when I do that, it isn't a big deal because Ian is here to help with the wrapping. Well, tonight, I had to take care of it. My dad helped a little with handing me tape and stuff, but I did all the wrapping. Not that I am complaining, because he did help, just that I had a lot to do. When I was about 3/4 the way through, my dad called it a night, and I finished up on my own. I sat there watching TV, wrapping gifts, and thinking about the fact that Ian and I would be doing this together right now if he were home. I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I am whining, it is just how I feel. I accept the situation and am learning to cope, it is just days like this that are upsetting and make me miss him more than usual.
So, it is 1am and my single Santa duties are done. It took a lot longer than I expected, but that is okay. The kids will be happy to see it. Even though most of it is from our families, the kids will still have a great Christmas. Hopefully, Ian will be able to Skype us in the morning, or at the very least, call us. For now, I am going to try and get a few hours sleep before my kids come running in my room to yell that Santa came.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Day 185: I cried today...
I just couldn't help it anymore. Until now, I have been doing well at not losing it and crying for no reason. Since the day after R&R ended and Ian left, I have not cried. I like to think it was because I found my strength, but truth is that I think it is because I have been numb. I have been fooling myself, making myself not think too much about where my husband is, what he is doing, and how long he will be gone. I casually mention things about my husband being in Afghanistan, but keep it so light, that it almost sounds like he is training in Arizona. I don't focus on anything in particular.
So far, it has worked. I know where he is, but the loneliness of time has not caught up to me. Yesterday, we hit our halfway mark. Ian pointed it out to me, and I was surprised by the date. Unfortunately for me, I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person, and my husband is a "glass half full" kind of person. He sees it as us being halfway done and on the downhill slope of this deployment. While, that is true, I see it as more of a "WE STILL HAVE 6 MONTHS LEFT OF THIS CRAP!" kind of thing. So, realizing that and thinking about everything else I am missing and have dealt with in the past six months, I started to cry. I hid in my room while the kids played in theirs and I cried. I cried because I am missing my best friend and am spending Christmas without him. I cried because I am worried about my best friend and what he is dealing with everyday over there. I cried for my kids missing their daddy and for myself missing my partner in this life. I sat there, looking at his picture, and cried. I just flat out miss him.
Crying was a good thing. It helped me get it all out, and move on with the day. It wasn't a debilitating thing, but was a healing thing, in a way. I was able to finally stop being numb and just let the feelings of sadness and loneliness have a minute to surface and be felt. I was able to have feelings. I was able to finally express them to myself and it was okay. I know I have said many times that it is okay to not always be okay, but I guess I still try to always be okay no matter the cost to myself. I am not perfect and I am still trying to find my way through this deployment. So far, I think I am doing okay, even on some of my harder days.
Halfway there, baby! We are halfway there! (See that, I am trying to be "glass half full"...Aren't you proud?)
So far, it has worked. I know where he is, but the loneliness of time has not caught up to me. Yesterday, we hit our halfway mark. Ian pointed it out to me, and I was surprised by the date. Unfortunately for me, I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person, and my husband is a "glass half full" kind of person. He sees it as us being halfway done and on the downhill slope of this deployment. While, that is true, I see it as more of a "WE STILL HAVE 6 MONTHS LEFT OF THIS CRAP!" kind of thing. So, realizing that and thinking about everything else I am missing and have dealt with in the past six months, I started to cry. I hid in my room while the kids played in theirs and I cried. I cried because I am missing my best friend and am spending Christmas without him. I cried because I am worried about my best friend and what he is dealing with everyday over there. I cried for my kids missing their daddy and for myself missing my partner in this life. I sat there, looking at his picture, and cried. I just flat out miss him.
Crying was a good thing. It helped me get it all out, and move on with the day. It wasn't a debilitating thing, but was a healing thing, in a way. I was able to finally stop being numb and just let the feelings of sadness and loneliness have a minute to surface and be felt. I was able to have feelings. I was able to finally express them to myself and it was okay. I know I have said many times that it is okay to not always be okay, but I guess I still try to always be okay no matter the cost to myself. I am not perfect and I am still trying to find my way through this deployment. So far, I think I am doing okay, even on some of my harder days.
Halfway there, baby! We are halfway there! (See that, I am trying to be "glass half full"...Aren't you proud?)
Day 184: A Deployed Soldiers Wife's Night Before Christmas Poem
12/22/2011
I found this on Facebook today and it made me cry. This is for all of you who stand with me, waiting with me, for our husbands to come home. I know you are missing your husband as surely as I am missing mine. We are proud of our soldiers and, though sad for this missed holiday, are proud to stand behind our men. For those of you who have never had a deployed spouse and are still standing with me, I thank you for your support. It helps get me through everyday.
I found this on Facebook today and it made me cry. This is for all of you who stand with me, waiting with me, for our husbands to come home. I know you are missing your husband as surely as I am missing mine. We are proud of our soldiers and, though sad for this missed holiday, are proud to stand behind our men. For those of you who have never had a deployed spouse and are still standing with me, I thank you for your support. It helps get me through everyday.
**A Deployed Soldier's Wife's Night Before Christmas Poem**
The Wives Who Wait
Twas the night before Christmas and there all alone
I saw a young woman who sat by the phone
For what was she waiting on this holiday night
Where were the stockings, Christmas tree, lights?
I saw one little tear As it rolled down her face
And she curled up in a blanket
Then looked round the place
Something was missing
Someone not here
In her face I saw sadness did I also see fear?
I paused and I wondered what could it be?
That would cause a young woman To look so lonely
How could anyone so precious choose such a life?
Then I realized this woman was a soldiers wife.
Her gift for this Christmas is to hear that phone ring
“Hey baby, I miss you don’t worry about a thing”
Each day I thank God for the soldiers that serve ever willing to fight and lay down his life
But how often do I ever remember think about the young woman who is that soldier’s wife
Thank you God for these women they are just as strong
They sacrifice daily And without help get along
So God please protect our soldiers on this holiday eve so late
And give an extra hug to their wives who wait!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Day 183: One of THOSE days
12/21/2011
So, today I spent working on this cake. It was a Spongebob cake for a friend of a friend. It is my first cake that hasn't been done for a friend, family member, or a volunteer organization. It was more work than I expected, but still, I learned a lot from it, like I do from almost every cake. The kids spent a lot of the day playing with the neighbor's kids in the backyard, which helped me out a lot, because they always want to "help." After the cake was done, the kids and I had lunch and then hung out for a little bit before they went back over to the neighbor's house for a little while. I waited here at the house for someone to pick up the cake. When she did, she loved it. Her son loved it too, and it made me happy to be able to do that for them.
After all that, we had dinner and I had the kids get ready for bed. While having them get ready for bed, they were having their typical "he won't get out of our room" kind of argument, so I had to go settle that. Well, it was just one of those kinds of nights for the kids. They kept on each other and on each other. Then, my oldest lied to me repeatedly about something that got her in trouble telling me her brother did it too. Well, her brother got in trouble when he should not have been, because he didn't do anything. I was upset about that, because one thing I cannot stand is lying. This is where I would have loved for Ian to be here, because I had to come up with a punishment for her, and usually like to be able to confer with him about it. Unfortunately, I had to do it on my own. I will end up talking to Ian about it tomorrow and I know we will adjust it, but for now, what I said goes. This is just another one of those days that goes down in the "Rough Days" category of this deployment.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
So, today I spent working on this cake. It was a Spongebob cake for a friend of a friend. It is my first cake that hasn't been done for a friend, family member, or a volunteer organization. It was more work than I expected, but still, I learned a lot from it, like I do from almost every cake. The kids spent a lot of the day playing with the neighbor's kids in the backyard, which helped me out a lot, because they always want to "help." After the cake was done, the kids and I had lunch and then hung out for a little bit before they went back over to the neighbor's house for a little while. I waited here at the house for someone to pick up the cake. When she did, she loved it. Her son loved it too, and it made me happy to be able to do that for them.
After all that, we had dinner and I had the kids get ready for bed. While having them get ready for bed, they were having their typical "he won't get out of our room" kind of argument, so I had to go settle that. Well, it was just one of those kinds of nights for the kids. They kept on each other and on each other. Then, my oldest lied to me repeatedly about something that got her in trouble telling me her brother did it too. Well, her brother got in trouble when he should not have been, because he didn't do anything. I was upset about that, because one thing I cannot stand is lying. This is where I would have loved for Ian to be here, because I had to come up with a punishment for her, and usually like to be able to confer with him about it. Unfortunately, I had to do it on my own. I will end up talking to Ian about it tomorrow and I know we will adjust it, but for now, what I said goes. This is just another one of those days that goes down in the "Rough Days" category of this deployment.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
Day 182: Just another day
12/20/2011
Today has been the busiest day I have had in a while. The kids and I got up this morning and finished our cards and gifts so we could mail them out this afternoon. After that, we headed to the store to get boxes to mail them out in and then headed to the post office. The post office was insane, as to be expected with 3 kids. We made it through it, and then headed to the grocery store. I have a cake that has to be done by tomorrow afternoon and needed to stop by the store in order to get the stuff I need for it. Then we came home and I got to work on my cake. I made dinner for the kids and myself at the same time as I was baking. I sent the kids to bed at their normal time tonight and am spending my mom time baking. It isn't exactly relaxing, but there could be worse things.
Unfortunately, the plan to try and get to bed early is being sunk tonight, because I have to get this cake done. I will try again tomorrow to get to be at a descent hour, but who knows with my kids and life in general if I will be able to do it.
For now, it is just one of those posts that has no real insight or words of encouragement. It is just my day and how I am getting through it. It is another post to show that I have completed yet another day.
Today has been the busiest day I have had in a while. The kids and I got up this morning and finished our cards and gifts so we could mail them out this afternoon. After that, we headed to the store to get boxes to mail them out in and then headed to the post office. The post office was insane, as to be expected with 3 kids. We made it through it, and then headed to the grocery store. I have a cake that has to be done by tomorrow afternoon and needed to stop by the store in order to get the stuff I need for it. Then we came home and I got to work on my cake. I made dinner for the kids and myself at the same time as I was baking. I sent the kids to bed at their normal time tonight and am spending my mom time baking. It isn't exactly relaxing, but there could be worse things.
Unfortunately, the plan to try and get to bed early is being sunk tonight, because I have to get this cake done. I will try again tomorrow to get to be at a descent hour, but who knows with my kids and life in general if I will be able to do it.
For now, it is just one of those posts that has no real insight or words of encouragement. It is just my day and how I am getting through it. It is another post to show that I have completed yet another day.
Day 181: Mom time
12/19/2011
Today was a kind of laid back, yet busy day. I got to talk to Ian this morning, since the kids and I aren't in school. It was quite a cool thing. We weren't worried about the schedule of my lunch break and were able to talk for a while. After that, we worked on getting a few things done, like cards and homemade gifts. For dinner my friends and their kids came over and we got to hang out again. It is always a fun time when our families get together.
I am sitting here tonight, wondering why I am so tired. I feel like I just can't seem to get to bed at a normal time anymore and that I need to stay up later and later just to get some peace of mind. I know that even when Ian was home, the time between when the kids went to bed and when I went to bed was my mom time. It was the time I used to decompress from the day and take a deep breath. With everything, it feels like no matter how early I send the kids to bed and how late I stay up, it is not enough time for me. It always feels like I have not had any real time to myself. I still feel stressed. So, I am going to try something new this week. I am going to try and see if getting myself to bed earlier helps out with this. I am not sure how this is going to work, but we will see.
Another day down, another day closer to seeing him.
Today was a kind of laid back, yet busy day. I got to talk to Ian this morning, since the kids and I aren't in school. It was quite a cool thing. We weren't worried about the schedule of my lunch break and were able to talk for a while. After that, we worked on getting a few things done, like cards and homemade gifts. For dinner my friends and their kids came over and we got to hang out again. It is always a fun time when our families get together.
I am sitting here tonight, wondering why I am so tired. I feel like I just can't seem to get to bed at a normal time anymore and that I need to stay up later and later just to get some peace of mind. I know that even when Ian was home, the time between when the kids went to bed and when I went to bed was my mom time. It was the time I used to decompress from the day and take a deep breath. With everything, it feels like no matter how early I send the kids to bed and how late I stay up, it is not enough time for me. It always feels like I have not had any real time to myself. I still feel stressed. So, I am going to try something new this week. I am going to try and see if getting myself to bed earlier helps out with this. I am not sure how this is going to work, but we will see.
Another day down, another day closer to seeing him.
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