I just couldn't help it anymore. Until now, I have been doing well at not losing it and crying for no reason. Since the day after R&R ended and Ian left, I have not cried. I like to think it was because I found my strength, but truth is that I think it is because I have been numb. I have been fooling myself, making myself not think too much about where my husband is, what he is doing, and how long he will be gone. I casually mention things about my husband being in Afghanistan, but keep it so light, that it almost sounds like he is training in Arizona. I don't focus on anything in particular.
So far, it has worked. I know where he is, but the loneliness of time has not caught up to me. Yesterday, we hit our halfway mark. Ian pointed it out to me, and I was surprised by the date. Unfortunately for me, I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person, and my husband is a "glass half full" kind of person. He sees it as us being halfway done and on the downhill slope of this deployment. While, that is true, I see it as more of a "WE STILL HAVE 6 MONTHS LEFT OF THIS CRAP!" kind of thing. So, realizing that and thinking about everything else I am missing and have dealt with in the past six months, I started to cry. I hid in my room while the kids played in theirs and I cried. I cried because I am missing my best friend and am spending Christmas without him. I cried because I am worried about my best friend and what he is dealing with everyday over there. I cried for my kids missing their daddy and for myself missing my partner in this life. I sat there, looking at his picture, and cried. I just flat out miss him.
Crying was a good thing. It helped me get it all out, and move on with the day. It wasn't a debilitating thing, but was a healing thing, in a way. I was able to finally stop being numb and just let the feelings of sadness and loneliness have a minute to surface and be felt. I was able to have feelings. I was able to finally express them to myself and it was okay. I know I have said many times that it is okay to not always be okay, but I guess I still try to always be okay no matter the cost to myself. I am not perfect and I am still trying to find my way through this deployment. So far, I think I am doing okay, even on some of my harder days.
Halfway there, baby! We are halfway there! (See that, I am trying to be "glass half full"...Aren't you proud?)
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