Day 200: Homesick

01/07/2012

Today was the day of my grandfather's memorial service. I was not bale to be there and, at first, it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I wasn't extremely close to my grandfather, but I was close to a lot of that side of the family. I didn't have the availability of funds or time to be able to go, but I wish I could have been there for my family. I don't know if it would have been helpful or not, but I do know that I would have liked being there for them.

Since becoming an Army wife, I was only really homesick for the first year or so. I told you the story of how I dealt with it. Well, since then I haven't really felt overly sad about being so far away from my family... Until today. Well, it has been building for a while now, and tonight it hit me just how much I miss my family. I have had this urge to just get up and go see my parents and my siblings. Then I have that desire to have my mom and step-dad come visit me here and spend a weekend. I just want to spend time with them again. I want to be able to have my family around, even if it is for a weekend. It was nice having my dad here for Christmas and we all loved that time. It has been over a year, though, since I have seen my mom and step-dad and I really miss them. I haven't seen my siblings in an even longer time and would love to just see them too.

Basically, I am a bit of a mess right now. I am homesick, missing my family, and missing my husband. I am tired of being the only parent to make all the decisions and having no break from my (and other) kids. I think it is the culmination for the stress, the exhaustion, and the fact that I am missing my family is causing my bad homesickness. Hopefully I can get back to being my independent self and dealing with the homesick feelings better than I am. For now, I will just have to do my best with it. Taking it a day at a time on all accounts, and just trying to make it another 5 1/2 months.

Day 199: Keeping watch

Today my son pulled one of his little stunts that took me by surprise yet again. It wasn't anything bad by any means. This afternoon, he went up to my room, where the flat daddy of Ian was. Daniel then took the flat daddy and placed him in my open window facing out. I saw it a little bit later and just laughed. While I was in my room, Daniel came in and told me that he put daddy like that. I asked him why. He told me it was so daddy could watch him play outside and so that he would watch out for all of us. Talk about a "rip your heart out" kind of statement. I just stood there, smiled, and told him that was a great idea. What I wanted to do was cry.

Daniel has been a tough nut to crack during this deployment. He never does what I think he will do or what is "typical" of a 4 year-old boy during his father's deployment. Just when you think it isn't affecting him, he breaks down crying. Just when you think he is handling it, he starts screaming and throwing a fit about nothing. When you think he would be happy about a reminder of daddy, he gets angry because it isn't the "real daddy." Now, it seems like he is starting to cope with this deployment a little better than before Ian came home for R&R. He is coping with the idea that daddy is gone and since R&R, I think he realizes daddy will come home, since he did once already. Ian makes sure that he talks to Daniel every time he calls, whether Daniel wants to talk to him or not. Ian always tells him "I love you and I miss you" even if Daniel says he doesn't want to talk to him. I think hearing Ian say that despite Daniel not wanting to talk to Ian has made Daniel start to understand that daddy still cares about him/us and wants to watch over him/us. I think that is part of why he put the flat daddy in the window, so it could feel like daddy is doing for us what he usually does, even with an ocean and a continent between us, he is watching over us.


I guess we will see what breakthroughs this brings from my son. Hopefully it is a turning point for him in dealing with this deployment and he can start to talk to me about what he is thinking and feeling more... well, as much as a 4-year-old can.

Moving forward, one step at a time. Making it through this deployment, one step at a time. It is how we do things. It is how we make it through until reunion time.

Day 198: Retreat

I have this opportunity to attend a retreat that is just for families of deployed soldiers in our brigade. It is a weekend thing that will be held about 3 hours away from here at a really nice resort hotel. They offer childcare but it is more for the spouses to attend workshops and maybe make some support connections at the same time. I really want to go because I am sure it would be beneficial for me. I have been debating over whether or not I want to bring my kids with me, or let them stay with a friend for the weekend. On one hand, bringing the kids would give them and me a unique time to get away from the house and spend a weekend together. On the other hand, there really isn't that much for them to do there. It is too cold to spend time at their amazing pools and they don't have a lot of playgrounds around the hotel. We will be spending most of the day in the hotel, me at seminars and the kids at childcare. Plus, some "me time" might be insanely beneficial for me. So, I am torn. I hate choosing between time with my kids in a unique setting or a rare chance for a weekend by myself that I can use to just relax and breathe.

The best part of this whole thing is that I have the option. I have talked many times about how important it is to have a solid support system in place when your husband is deployed. Well, I can not stress that enough. Not only is it important to have close family and friends (near and far) that support you and will listen to you when you need to vent or just talk. It is also really important that you have friends you TRUST nearby to help you out. Sometimes it gets really stressful when you are spending 24 hours a day with children and do not have a live, adult person in the house to talk to or to hand over the kids to for just a few hours to get a little time to yourself. Everyone needs a break, sometime. That is where awesome, trustworthy friends come into play. I am lucky enough that I have a few sets of friends that are close enough to watch my kids for the weekend if I decide to go to this retreat alone. These friends are also just as willing to answer the phone when I call and say I need a break. They jump in their car, send my kids to their house with their husband, and whisk me off to have coffee and let me vent. Those are awesome friends. I can't say I have a lot of them, because I don't. I can say that I have the BEST of them. They really are the best friends I could ask to have close to me, especially for me just meeting most of them right before Ian deployed, and some after he already left. Granted, there are a few from previous duty stations and times in my life that would do that for me if they were close enough, but since they aren't, they are still there for me when I need to talk long distance.

I cannot say enough how grateful I am for my support system and I know I would not be doing as well during this deployment without them. You know who you are, near and far, and I say THANK YOU with all of my heart! Thank you for being amazingly supportive friends and family and for helping me take it one day at a time.

Day 197: I guess I need to define bitter....

Apparently, my post yesterday offended some of my friends whose husbands are still in Kuwait and for that I am sorry. I guess I didn't explain my bitterness well enough yesterday. A few of my friends thought I was saying that they had no right to miss their husband or that they were not allowed to whine (much like I do) about the fact that they miss their husbands and how hard it is parenting by themselves. On the contrary, I said that I believe everyone has the right, and even should, miss their husbands no matter how long they are gone or where they are at. I was simply stating that I was frustrated at the people who interviewed in the article I read who were complaining that other people's soldiers came home but their husbands didn't. While finishing out the deployment as scheduled is still just as tough no matter where they are, I just hoped that they would see the silver-lining to their deployment cloud. I never once said their husbands aren't still serving and that they aren't sacrificing. I am insanely proud of all our military, especially those away from their families be it in Kuwait, Korea, or Afghanistan along with various other parts of the world. No matter where they are, they are sacrificing, as are their families.That was not the point of my blog. The point was that while yes, he is away, remember that it could be worse and there are worse places that he could be and there are still a lot of other soldiers in those worse places. I also remember that there is worse for me too. I have talked to my husband today.... That is the silver lining to my deployment cloud.

I guess I didn't explain the bitterness part either. For me, being bitter about soldiers coming home is only about the fact that I just wish it were my husband coming home as well as the other soldiers that came home. I am in no way upset about the soldiers coming home. I am happy for them. I would NEVER say that I wish my husband would come home and that the other soldiers would have to stay. When I said I was bitter, I was simply saying that I wished it was my husband too. I wish I could be celebrating having my husband home too. I would be happy to have him in Kuwait to finish out his tour. Again, though, I know this is our duty right now and I am okay with it. I am proud of my husband and what he does, no matter how much I worry. I just have bad days like everyone else and wish that my husband was home. Those days are even harder when you see those awesome "Welcome Home" signs everywhere and all you can think about is how much longer it is going to be before you can get your sign out. It is natural. The only difference is that I write about it and am honest about it. Yes, I am "bitter" (using that term loosely I might add) that my husband was not one of the ones that came home early. That does not mean that I am in any way upset by hearing people say they are happy their husbands are home or are missing their husband/fiance/boyfriend no matter where and for how long they are gone (if you have read my blog for a while, you would have seen a post... Day 62 to be exact...about not hating on those that are missing their significant other, no matter how long the separation and whether they are military or not). It means just this... I miss my husband too and want him home as soon as I can get him.

I hope this cleared up what I was trying to say. If not, then I am sorry. I am not exactly a writer but try to get what I mean out and avoid misunderstandings. I have said it many times in my blog though, these are my personal feelings and my personal struggles that I face during this deployment. This is the way I cope with the stresses of this deployment. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and roses or even motivational. There are bad days along with the good.

On a good note, I am another day closer to seeing my husband again and holding him in my arms. What a sweet reunion that will be.

Day 196: Crap... I became THAT wife

I told myself I wouldn't do it. I told myself that I knew better and would not become one of those Army wives. You know the one: the one that is bitter about someone else's husband coming come when her's is not home. Yeah, well, that is me right now. I am not exactly proud of it, but I am honest about it.

Let me explain. When my husband first deployed, I would look at those "Welcome Home" signs that people would put on their houses and be happy for them. I knew it was my husband's turn and duty to deploy and I also knew that those families had just spent a year without their soldier around. So, they deserved that homecoming. They deserved me being happy for them and not upset because it wasn't my husband. I was okay with it, happy even.

Now, over 6 months into this deployment, I am feeling the bitterness come. It stems more from the fact that a lot of soldiers around here came home after 6 months of being deployed. Even that, though, I was pretty happy for them all. I am happy that these soldiers got to spend the holidays home and deserve a great homecoming. No matter how short the time away, it is always hard. I wish, like every wife does I imagine, that my husband too could come home early, but I know that someone has to stay.

I guess what really set me off was reading an article about some wives who were mad that their husbands had to stay in Kuwait to finish out their tour. I understand that they wanted their husbands home early too, but it bothers me that they are kicking and screaming about their husbands being in Kuwait. My husband is in Afghanistan and will be there to finish out his year-long tour. I think those other wives should be grateful for the fact that their husbands are in Kuwait to finish out their tour, not having to know that they are waking up to incoming fire sirens. I would consider myself lucky if my husband were in Kuwait. And there is the bitterness. I try not to be, but it just kinda creeps up on me. I understand that no matter where a soldier is, their family will miss them. I just get upset that those families are complaining so openly about the fact that their husbands are in Kuwait instead of Iraq or Afghanistan. I am not bitter that my husband is deployed, I know it is our turn to go through this and that God is using this to teach us some valuable lessons. I am just mixed with feelings of happiness for my friends whose husbands came home early, frustration for those that are complaining, and sadness because I wish mine were home already and because I am missing him terribly.

One day at a time, I am taking this one day at a time, and making it... one day at a time.

Day 195: Making changes

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. I don't like them simply because people make them so flippantly with no intention on keeping them. I have been wanting to start working on making myself healthier. I used to workout and watch what I was eating, and when I was doing that I was feeling better. I felt more energetic and was able to get more done.

Since before moving here, I stopped caring about it all. I stopped exercising and stopped watching what I ate. I have gained 8 pounds and I can feel it. I can feel myself slowing down and not caring about taking care of myself. So, I am getting re-motivated to start taking care of myself again. I took the first step today. I started watching what I ate and I went for a walk with the kids. It is a small step, but a good first step.

Here is to the first steps in making good changes to my life. I am taking it one day at a time both with my own personal health and getting through this deployment. I have said it before and I will say it again. It is the best I can do, and it will get me through this. 

Day 194: The first day of the year

Today was one of those days that I really hope does not set the tone for the rest of the year. Everyone always places so much weight on the first day of the new year and believes that in order to have a great year, you have to have a great first day. I have tried to buy into that and make every year good by starting out well, but, every year, that has failed. No matter how good or "perfect" that first day is, the year does what it is going to do. There are ups and downs in the year and no matter how clean my house is on that first day, it always manages to get messed up and I have to deal with it.

So, today my house was not immaculate like I wanted, all of my laundry wasn't folded and put away, and my kids did not listen to a word I said. This first day of the new year, I spent it away from the love of my life and worried about him. So basically there is no way that today is just a taste of what the year has for me. This year, I my husband will come home, my house will be kept up, and not everyday will be a bad day where the kids don't listen. They will have good days too. So, despite how difficult today was, it is not the tell-all of my year. I won't let it be.

Another day done, just getting that much closer to seeing my husband again. Here is to the start of the year my husband comes home. 2012 will be a great year.