I have been having a lot of daydreams today. I saw a picture of a friend of mine's husband reenlisting and it made me think of the time when Ian reenlisted. Then I started thinking about how long I have until Ian comes home and what it will be like to have him home. The weird part is that I know what it will be like, yet I don't. It has been so long since he has been here for any length of time that I don't know what it will be like. I know that at first it will be amazing and I will be insanely happy that he will be home. I know that it will be our little honeymoon phase. I guess I am just trying to picture after that. Will we be different? Will things be like they were, or will it all change? Will he still love me the way I am now, or will he not like the ways that I may have changed? What will the kids act like? Will they give him a chance to readjust? Will I be able to hold it together for a little while longer after he comes home so he has a chance to reintegrate in the family? How long will that take? How will I still hold onto it all knowing he is home to help me again? Am I strong enough for that? Am I strong enough to handle anything that has changed in him?
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 265: Cranky
Tonight I was not in the best mood. Ian and I decided to replace the girls' beds because they are falling apart. We don't know what kind of house we will move into next, so we decided to get another bunk bed set. This time though, we decided to account for all the moves. The last set we bought was cheap and lasted us just about 5 years. Usually, I think, it would have lasted longer, but being taken apart, moved, and put back together a ton of times didn't help it last. So, I went looking around the past few days for a bunk bed set. Let me tell you, I hate shopping. With a passion. Especially when I have to do it with 3 children. Add to that the fact that I was having to try and make a decision on my own without my husband's input... and I was done! It was so hard for me. So, yesterday, I took pictures when I talked to him last night for a few minutes, I sent them to him. Eventually we came to an agreement, but he wanted a better deal. So, today, I went back and asked for a better deal on the set we were looking at. Luckily, just as I was talking to the lady about the deal, Ian had found his cell and called me with it. So, I got to go over it with him. After a few adjustments, we came to an agreement. It made me feel better that he was on the phone with me to finish it up, because I don't like making decisions, especially ones that cost so much money. Ian wasn't able to talk to the kids because he was tired, but told me (at least I thought he did) that he would call them tonight (our time), so that is what I told the kids to expect.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
Day 264: This is why I don't read the news
03/10/2012
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Day 263: Hearing his voice
03/11/2012
I have to admit, I have been spoiled. I have been able to hear from Ian a lot during this deployment. Just knowing he is okay with a phone call or short email, helps me get through this. In the past few days, Ian misplaced his cell phone and cannot talk to me as often as he has been. It has gotten harder for me because he can't call me every day at our normal times, so I don't know if he is okay. Last night, I didn't hear from him. Usually, he gets up early to call before we go to bed and talks to the kids, but he didn't last night. So, I thought I would hear from him in the morning before church... still nothing. Naturally, I worried. In my heart I knew he was okay, but I wanted to hear his voice. Well, after church, we had a pot luck and I forgot to turn my cell phone off silent. About 4 minutes after I got into the building where we had our pot luck, I pulled my phone out just to check it (like I always do), and saw that I missed a call. Yup, I missed Ian's call. I was so mad at myself, irrationally, yet still mad. After calming myself down for a second, I listened to his voicemail and heard that he was okay. He told me he would try to call me tonight if he could, but wanted to try and catch me after church to let me know he is okay, he misses us, and loves us and asked me to give the kids a kiss and a hug for him. I felt better hearing his voice, even if I couldn't talk to him. But still wished I could have said hi. Again, though, knowing he is okay and hearing from him in any form is all I can ask for, everything else is a bonus.
I have to admit, I have been spoiled. I have been able to hear from Ian a lot during this deployment. Just knowing he is okay with a phone call or short email, helps me get through this. In the past few days, Ian misplaced his cell phone and cannot talk to me as often as he has been. It has gotten harder for me because he can't call me every day at our normal times, so I don't know if he is okay. Last night, I didn't hear from him. Usually, he gets up early to call before we go to bed and talks to the kids, but he didn't last night. So, I thought I would hear from him in the morning before church... still nothing. Naturally, I worried. In my heart I knew he was okay, but I wanted to hear his voice. Well, after church, we had a pot luck and I forgot to turn my cell phone off silent. About 4 minutes after I got into the building where we had our pot luck, I pulled my phone out just to check it (like I always do), and saw that I missed a call. Yup, I missed Ian's call. I was so mad at myself, irrationally, yet still mad. After calming myself down for a second, I listened to his voicemail and heard that he was okay. He told me he would try to call me tonight if he could, but wanted to try and catch me after church to let me know he is okay, he misses us, and loves us and asked me to give the kids a kiss and a hug for him. I felt better hearing his voice, even if I couldn't talk to him. But still wished I could have said hi. Again, though, knowing he is okay and hearing from him in any form is all I can ask for, everything else is a bonus.
Day 262: My Authority
03/10/2012
My husband and I have always joked about the fact that I "outrank" him. At the start of his military career, he told me that all civilians "outrank" him. So, of course, I asked if I outranked him... He said that I did, but jokingly said that I would whether he was in the military or not. It has been our little running joke since then, and every once in a while I will "pull rank" on him.
A few days ago was one of those times. He told me that his knee has been bothering him for a few months and it was getting worse. He didn't tell me for a while because he didn't want me to worry and because he knew I would want him to go see a doctor. He didn't want to be "broken" before he turns 30 and especially not before the deployment was done. I told him that if he didn't go to the doctor he would be broken because he let it go on too long and get worse. He told me he would go to the doctor the next day. Well, when I talked to him the next day, I asked if he went. He told me he didn't have time and said he would go tomorrow. So, when I talked to him the next day, he still hadn't gone.... So, I pulled rank. I told him it was an "order" from me to go to the doctor and get seen about his knee. At least they can give him and idea of what is going on and what he needs to do to try and make it better. He fought me for a bit, but eventually, I won. The next day he told me the doctor thought it was just some strained tendons and that he would be ok if he took it "easy" and gave him an anti-inflammatory to help with the inflammation and pain. Not sure if it will completely help his knee, but it is a first step. If it gets better, then we know what it was and he addressed it. If it doesn't, then we know what it isn't and we can start going through the checklist to figure it out and get him back to being pain-free.
My husband can be stubborn, but he and everyone else knows that I can too. He knew that the only reason I "pulled rank" on him was because I love him and want him to take care of himself. I have told him many times that he has to take care of himself, because I am not there to take care of him. When he gets sick, I can't be there to help him feel better. When he is hurt, I am not there to force him to see a doctor. So, he has to take care of himself, and the same goes for me. He has had to pull rank on me too and tell me that I needed to go to the doctor a few times that I have been sick since he has been deployed. I went to the doctor when he asked because I knew he wanted me to take care of myself because he couldn't be here to help me. Plus, I knew he would worry, and I try to avoid that at all costs. It is what we do. We take care of each other, we worry about each other, and we push each other. We are in love, we are a team, we are the best of friends.
Loving that time is going by and my best friend is getting so much closer to coming home to me.
My husband and I have always joked about the fact that I "outrank" him. At the start of his military career, he told me that all civilians "outrank" him. So, of course, I asked if I outranked him... He said that I did, but jokingly said that I would whether he was in the military or not. It has been our little running joke since then, and every once in a while I will "pull rank" on him.
A few days ago was one of those times. He told me that his knee has been bothering him for a few months and it was getting worse. He didn't tell me for a while because he didn't want me to worry and because he knew I would want him to go see a doctor. He didn't want to be "broken" before he turns 30 and especially not before the deployment was done. I told him that if he didn't go to the doctor he would be broken because he let it go on too long and get worse. He told me he would go to the doctor the next day. Well, when I talked to him the next day, I asked if he went. He told me he didn't have time and said he would go tomorrow. So, when I talked to him the next day, he still hadn't gone.... So, I pulled rank. I told him it was an "order" from me to go to the doctor and get seen about his knee. At least they can give him and idea of what is going on and what he needs to do to try and make it better. He fought me for a bit, but eventually, I won. The next day he told me the doctor thought it was just some strained tendons and that he would be ok if he took it "easy" and gave him an anti-inflammatory to help with the inflammation and pain. Not sure if it will completely help his knee, but it is a first step. If it gets better, then we know what it was and he addressed it. If it doesn't, then we know what it isn't and we can start going through the checklist to figure it out and get him back to being pain-free.
My husband can be stubborn, but he and everyone else knows that I can too. He knew that the only reason I "pulled rank" on him was because I love him and want him to take care of himself. I have told him many times that he has to take care of himself, because I am not there to take care of him. When he gets sick, I can't be there to help him feel better. When he is hurt, I am not there to force him to see a doctor. So, he has to take care of himself, and the same goes for me. He has had to pull rank on me too and tell me that I needed to go to the doctor a few times that I have been sick since he has been deployed. I went to the doctor when he asked because I knew he wanted me to take care of myself because he couldn't be here to help me. Plus, I knew he would worry, and I try to avoid that at all costs. It is what we do. We take care of each other, we worry about each other, and we push each other. We are in love, we are a team, we are the best of friends.
Loving that time is going by and my best friend is getting so much closer to coming home to me.
Day 261: Family time
03/09/2012
Today was a busy day at work. It was a minimum day since we have spring break next week, so our routine and schedule got messed up a little. After work, we ran some errands and I told the kids we would have a family movie night. After we got home, we had our family movie night and used the new tradition set by my mom and step-dad of having hot chocolate and popcorn. The kids loved it. We got hot chocolate, marshmallows, and whipped cream. I had a cake to work on, but once I got it in the oven, I sat down with the kids while it baked. I had a mocha, they had hot chocolate, and I popped a bag of popcorn. We sat down and cuddled while watching a movie. The kids loved it and they had fun just hanging out together.
I was up and down dealing with the cake, but the kids still loved the fact that I was more concerned with sitting with them than cleaning the house. They understood the reason I was making the cake was for someone whose parents couldn't afford one, but knew that even that was secondary to our movie night. Our family time was much needed and has been hard to come by so I have been working hard to schedule the time. It is not good enough for them to be watching TV while I do dishes. Instead it is all about doing something they would like to do with me, even if it means I stay up later just to get some chores done. I just have to continue to adapt to this lifestyle and continue to be willing to change to make it work.
Another day is done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Today was a busy day at work. It was a minimum day since we have spring break next week, so our routine and schedule got messed up a little. After work, we ran some errands and I told the kids we would have a family movie night. After we got home, we had our family movie night and used the new tradition set by my mom and step-dad of having hot chocolate and popcorn. The kids loved it. We got hot chocolate, marshmallows, and whipped cream. I had a cake to work on, but once I got it in the oven, I sat down with the kids while it baked. I had a mocha, they had hot chocolate, and I popped a bag of popcorn. We sat down and cuddled while watching a movie. The kids loved it and they had fun just hanging out together.
I was up and down dealing with the cake, but the kids still loved the fact that I was more concerned with sitting with them than cleaning the house. They understood the reason I was making the cake was for someone whose parents couldn't afford one, but knew that even that was secondary to our movie night. Our family time was much needed and has been hard to come by so I have been working hard to schedule the time. It is not good enough for them to be watching TV while I do dishes. Instead it is all about doing something they would like to do with me, even if it means I stay up later just to get some chores done. I just have to continue to adapt to this lifestyle and continue to be willing to change to make it work.
Another day is done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Day 260: Just one of those days
Today was a rough day for me. A day where I couldn't stop thinking about Ian and about how much I miss him. I wasn't feeling good the whole day at work and then after work, the kids were rambunctious and ornery. When we went to golf lessons, the people running it did not call me to tell me they moved it. So, we went to the golf course, got out, and walked around trying to find everyone. Then went to the pro-shop and they called around for me and found out they moved it. By the time we got there, the kids missed half. So, that didn't help my mood at all. To top it off, I had to talk to the girls a few times at practice to participate.
Yup, another day in paradise. We got home and I got the kids ready for bed. Then, Ian called me on Skype and we both talked about our day. I couldn't help it, I got a little misty-eyed while we talked. I had been missing him and thinking about him all day. Seeing his face and hearing his voice caused the emotion to overtake me. I cried because I was happy to hear his voice and because I missed him. I cried because I knew I had another night ahead of me with an empty bed. He saw my tears and immediately understood their origin, without needing to ask. He just sat there and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He asked me what, specifically, was wrong. I just told him it was one of those days where I missed him and wanted him home. I loved him for allowing me to have that minor breakdown with him, and comforting me through it. We both looked at each other and smiled and said how close we are and how many days we have less. It still seems far away, but when you look at where we were when he was home on R&R, it really isn't as far as that. We at least have that. We can see that we are making headway and it is always something positive that helps us on "one of those days."
Yup, another day in paradise. We got home and I got the kids ready for bed. Then, Ian called me on Skype and we both talked about our day. I couldn't help it, I got a little misty-eyed while we talked. I had been missing him and thinking about him all day. Seeing his face and hearing his voice caused the emotion to overtake me. I cried because I was happy to hear his voice and because I missed him. I cried because I knew I had another night ahead of me with an empty bed. He saw my tears and immediately understood their origin, without needing to ask. He just sat there and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He asked me what, specifically, was wrong. I just told him it was one of those days where I missed him and wanted him home. I loved him for allowing me to have that minor breakdown with him, and comforting me through it. We both looked at each other and smiled and said how close we are and how many days we have less. It still seems far away, but when you look at where we were when he was home on R&R, it really isn't as far as that. We at least have that. We can see that we are making headway and it is always something positive that helps us on "one of those days."
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