I have been having a lot of daydreams today. I saw a picture of a friend of mine's husband reenlisting and it made me think of the time when Ian reenlisted. Then I started thinking about how long I have until Ian comes home and what it will be like to have him home. The weird part is that I know what it will be like, yet I don't. It has been so long since he has been here for any length of time that I don't know what it will be like. I know that at first it will be amazing and I will be insanely happy that he will be home. I know that it will be our little honeymoon phase. I guess I am just trying to picture after that. Will we be different? Will things be like they were, or will it all change? Will he still love me the way I am now, or will he not like the ways that I may have changed? What will the kids act like? Will they give him a chance to readjust? Will I be able to hold it together for a little while longer after he comes home so he has a chance to reintegrate in the family? How long will that take? How will I still hold onto it all knowing he is home to help me again? Am I strong enough for that? Am I strong enough to handle anything that has changed in him?
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
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