Today was the first day of school that we had to get through without my dad. Sure enough, it was rough. I was so close to being late. I was frustrated trying to push them out the door. Luckily, everyone made it to school on time and alive. I was composed before the bell rang and ready to start another work week.
After school, I grabbed the kids and headed off to run an errand to get some paperwork for my credential. It was faster than anticipated and we got home well before dinner and were able to spend time just hanging out and doing homework. Ian also called us tonight and we got to talk to him for a little bit. The kids told him about their day and he told them about his day. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was still what the kids, Ian, and myself needed. After that, I got the kids ready for bed and have been enjoying some quiet time.
I am back to staying up late. I have found that I need the alone time and the only time I can get it is after the kids go to bed. So, I stay up late. I am staying up later without Ian because he has a tendency to push me to bed and I don't mind it because I am with him. Being alone in bed seems to make it harder. Before R&R it was getting better, but fr some reason R&R seems to me Reset and Restart. I feel like I am starting this deployment over again with the date of reunion so far away. I know it is just a trick of the mind and that it is the blues talking, but I can't help but feel this way. I miss him. I know I will power through this and make it through, but right now it is a bumpy road. I hope it smooths out soon and I will pray as hard as I can for God to help me get to that smooth part. Then again, I wouldn't be who I am without these rough patches in my life, right?
So, that is my frame of mind right now. I know it is rough, but I will get through it and I know it will get easier. I will keep strong and keep my faith in God and allow Him to walk me through this. One day at a time, one step at a time... Until he is in my arms again.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 158: The importance of involvement
My husband left just a week before Thanksgiving. It was hard that he left so close to the holidays and wasn't able to celebrate them with us. In my not-so-infinite wisdom, I didn't think about celebrating the holidays while he was home until the day before he left, and at that time, there was no time to do it. I wanted to put up the Christmas tree early so he could be here to do it with us. I also realized that having a family Thanksgiving while he was home would have been a great idea. Why I didn't think about it sooner is beyond me and I truly do regret it. I know R&R is only 2 weeks long, and we fit a lot of things into it, but still, I really wish we would have celebrated what we could while he was here.
Since I was not so smart and didn't decorate while Ian was here, I decided to wait to have the kids decorate the Christmas tree until this morning. Ian got on Skype this morning and watched us decorate the tree. It was pretty fun because he was commenting the whole time to the kids about how great they were doing. The kids also showed him the ornaments as they were hanging them up and we talked about what each ornament meant. Our Christmas tree is a bunch of different ornaments with no real theme. Some are handmade by the kids or myself and some are one we got in various places we have been and lived. Ian seemed to really enjoy it and it was the next best thing to him actually being here.
It is the theme of this deployment for us... Involved. We are trying so hard to keep each other involved in our lives while we are separated. I think that is why we are handling the deployment as well as we are, because we are determined to stay connected and involved. He tries to be there for the big things, if he can, even getting up at 2 am if needed to be at a birthday party. I tell him about the mundane every day things and let him know what is going on. It helps. It works for us. I think if we didn't do this, we would both be having a harder time at this deployment because, as I have stated before, not being involved or communicating with each other is not the way our marriage works. So, even though decorating the tree was not a super huge event, it was something that was important for him, for the kids, and for me to be able to do together. We are luckier than some that he had the time today to do this, and we take it when we can get it because we never know when he is going to be out of communication for a while.
Every day that goes by, I don't think of it as just another day we have spent apart, I think of it as us being another day closer to being together. That makes it more bearable.
Since I was not so smart and didn't decorate while Ian was here, I decided to wait to have the kids decorate the Christmas tree until this morning. Ian got on Skype this morning and watched us decorate the tree. It was pretty fun because he was commenting the whole time to the kids about how great they were doing. The kids also showed him the ornaments as they were hanging them up and we talked about what each ornament meant. Our Christmas tree is a bunch of different ornaments with no real theme. Some are handmade by the kids or myself and some are one we got in various places we have been and lived. Ian seemed to really enjoy it and it was the next best thing to him actually being here.
It is the theme of this deployment for us... Involved. We are trying so hard to keep each other involved in our lives while we are separated. I think that is why we are handling the deployment as well as we are, because we are determined to stay connected and involved. He tries to be there for the big things, if he can, even getting up at 2 am if needed to be at a birthday party. I tell him about the mundane every day things and let him know what is going on. It helps. It works for us. I think if we didn't do this, we would both be having a harder time at this deployment because, as I have stated before, not being involved or communicating with each other is not the way our marriage works. So, even though decorating the tree was not a super huge event, it was something that was important for him, for the kids, and for me to be able to do together. We are luckier than some that he had the time today to do this, and we take it when we can get it because we never know when he is going to be out of communication for a while.
Every day that goes by, I don't think of it as just another day we have spent apart, I think of it as us being another day closer to being together. That makes it more bearable.
Day 157: Only me
Only I can really cause the kind of destruction I did on a day like today. It only ever happens to me and is totally my own fault.
Today, my dad left. He pulled out around 8am and I decided that would be a great time to start really working on my house and getting all the Christmas decorations going. (You can kinda see where this is going, huh?) In my house is a HUGE entertainment center. It is a German shrunk that allows you to adjust the height of the shelves that are over the TV area. Well, when I an first put it together, the bottom shelf was too high for my liking, and I decided now to right that wrong. Instead of cleaning it all off, I thought I could just move it with everything on there... yeah, that was stupid. I had a really pretty crystal cross that I bought in Germany on there, and it flew off and shattered. When I say it shattered, it really shattered. There were pieces everywhere. So, I cleaned up my mess, and decided that since the only really breakable thing on there was already broken, I could go ahead with the initial plan. EPIC FAIL! So, as I am moving the shelf, I apparently put it in there in such a way that the two support sides, were pushed out, and the top two shelves came crashing down on top of me. The kids were upstairs, so I had to yell for my oldest to come help me get stuff, so I could keep the boards from falling on the TV. It was a disaster. Luckily, though, only one thing broke, and that was a wax warmer. So, my sidetracked self decided that since I had already removed the center boards and TV, it would be light enough to move. So, I rearranged my living room. Then had to clean it all back up again, and put back together the entertainment center.
After that, I put up the Christmas tree and put up all the decorations that belong on the entertainment center. The living room looks good now, but it was painful to get it there. The funniest part is that, in the course of all that, I was scratched up and bruised, but didn't notice it until I was getting ready for bed tonight. My husband got on Skype with me tonight as I was sitting in the living room, and immediately noticed, by the little bit of background that he could see, that I rearranged the living room. So, I told him the whole story of what happened. After ascertaining that I was okay, he chuckled at it a little bit and told me to be more careful next time. After getting off with him, I called my best friend and talked to her for a little bit. I told her about my stupid exploits and she was rolling, laughing so hard. All she could say was, "Only you, Laura. Only you." And I had to agree. It was a total me thing to do.
The days are starting to move a little more now. Not quite as fast as they were feeling before R&R, but getting better. Taking it one day at a time.
Today, my dad left. He pulled out around 8am and I decided that would be a great time to start really working on my house and getting all the Christmas decorations going. (You can kinda see where this is going, huh?) In my house is a HUGE entertainment center. It is a German shrunk that allows you to adjust the height of the shelves that are over the TV area. Well, when I an first put it together, the bottom shelf was too high for my liking, and I decided now to right that wrong. Instead of cleaning it all off, I thought I could just move it with everything on there... yeah, that was stupid. I had a really pretty crystal cross that I bought in Germany on there, and it flew off and shattered. When I say it shattered, it really shattered. There were pieces everywhere. So, I cleaned up my mess, and decided that since the only really breakable thing on there was already broken, I could go ahead with the initial plan. EPIC FAIL! So, as I am moving the shelf, I apparently put it in there in such a way that the two support sides, were pushed out, and the top two shelves came crashing down on top of me. The kids were upstairs, so I had to yell for my oldest to come help me get stuff, so I could keep the boards from falling on the TV. It was a disaster. Luckily, though, only one thing broke, and that was a wax warmer. So, my sidetracked self decided that since I had already removed the center boards and TV, it would be light enough to move. So, I rearranged my living room. Then had to clean it all back up again, and put back together the entertainment center.
After that, I put up the Christmas tree and put up all the decorations that belong on the entertainment center. The living room looks good now, but it was painful to get it there. The funniest part is that, in the course of all that, I was scratched up and bruised, but didn't notice it until I was getting ready for bed tonight. My husband got on Skype with me tonight as I was sitting in the living room, and immediately noticed, by the little bit of background that he could see, that I rearranged the living room. So, I told him the whole story of what happened. After ascertaining that I was okay, he chuckled at it a little bit and told me to be more careful next time. After getting off with him, I called my best friend and talked to her for a little bit. I told her about my stupid exploits and she was rolling, laughing so hard. All she could say was, "Only you, Laura. Only you." And I had to agree. It was a total me thing to do.
The days are starting to move a little more now. Not quite as fast as they were feeling before R&R, but getting better. Taking it one day at a time.
Day 156: Last day of having help
I got up super early this morning and decided to hit one black Friday sale. I needed to get something for the kids and I knew it would be an easy store to get in and out of. Plus that store had huge, nice dog beds for $15 and my big Lab/Great Dane mix needed a bed up in my room, since he started sleeping there every night since Ian left. On my way home from that sale, I took my time and stopped at the PX close to my house just to have a look around. I grabbed their flyer and saw that they had an XBOX 360 for $100! Only problem was, the electronics were all the way across post at the other PX. I knew I would be too late, but figured I would try it anyways. Sure enough, there were none left. I was bummed that I didn't see that ad before then, because I wanted to get that for my husband for Christmas, even though he ruined his own present, like he does EVERY year. Let me explain, every year since my husband and I have been together, I decide to get him something for Christmas sometime in the early fall. So, at that time, I start planning it out and saving the money, if needed. Well, sometime in November, my husband decides to go and get whatever it is that I am planning to get him, for himself. Thus, my present plans are ruined. This year is no exception. I was planning on getting him an XBOX 360 after the first and sending it to him. Well, not to break tradition this year, he decided he was going to buy one for himself and started looking for deals. So, when I told him that was what I planned on, he just smiled at me and apologized. He then looked at me (through the computer of course), smiled, and said, "Well, there are like 6 games I want, so you can get me those instead!" Yeah, the fact that that man is 7,000+ miles away is the only reason he did not get it from me. I just scowled playfully at him and told him that he is buying his present.
So, I spent the rest of the day working on laundry and having leftovers for every meal. I am quite the Twilight fan, so while working on laundry and eating lunch, I started a Twilight marathon and had myself a turkey sandwich, slice of pumpkin pie, and a Dr. Pepper. It was great. My dad had the kids outside riding their bicycles while he was packing his truck to head home tomorrow.
It has been nice having my dad here with me. I have been able to do things without worrying about finding a sitter and he was really good at tag teaming with me, especially when I was sick. So, tonight, since he is leaving in the morning, I took the last chance I had to go see a late movie. I waited until the kids were in bed, and then left. I went by myself, which was fine and was also relaxing. So, here I am, realizing that tomorrow I am going to be on my own again and that I really need to find a sitter I can trust and use consistently. Plus, it doesn't help that I am coupling this feeling with the fact that I am really missing my husband tonight. Needless to say, it is not one of my best nights so far.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. It feels like we still have forever to go, but I just have to take it one day at a time.
So, I spent the rest of the day working on laundry and having leftovers for every meal. I am quite the Twilight fan, so while working on laundry and eating lunch, I started a Twilight marathon and had myself a turkey sandwich, slice of pumpkin pie, and a Dr. Pepper. It was great. My dad had the kids outside riding their bicycles while he was packing his truck to head home tomorrow.
It has been nice having my dad here with me. I have been able to do things without worrying about finding a sitter and he was really good at tag teaming with me, especially when I was sick. So, tonight, since he is leaving in the morning, I took the last chance I had to go see a late movie. I waited until the kids were in bed, and then left. I went by myself, which was fine and was also relaxing. So, here I am, realizing that tomorrow I am going to be on my own again and that I really need to find a sitter I can trust and use consistently. Plus, it doesn't help that I am coupling this feeling with the fact that I am really missing my husband tonight. Needless to say, it is not one of my best nights so far.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. It feels like we still have forever to go, but I just have to take it one day at a time.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Day 155: Thanksgiving Day
Today was a great day, and a little sad at the same time. I had a great time with my friend Lyssa and her family and enjoyed cooking part of the meal for all to enjoy. Being with my friend (my new extended family) made my holiday so much better. The fact that they were so welcoming to my kids and me for Thanksgiving was heartwarming and made me feel so loved. We ate and talked, then the kids played all night together as we talked some more. Then, Ian called on Skype while we were still there and we all got to talk to him. We had a lot of laughs as I told him about some of the exploits of the kids and showed him the kids playing around on our iPhones, huddled in a circle. I stayed way later than I probably should have, but we all had so much fun and the kids were loving it too. Luckily Lyssa didn't mind because she knows how I feel and how nice it is to just hang out at a friend's house rather than go home.
I also got to talk to Ian this morning. I felt bad because I asked him how his Thanksgiving meal was and he said it didn't taste that good. He was able to spend it with a friend that we met in Germany about 6 years ago, but he said he would have preferred his wife and kids. I prefer that too, but there really is nothing we can do about that. So, yes, the day was great, but sad because we missed Ian.
In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I have been thinking about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my husband, my kids, my family, and my friends. Some people would think me crazy, but I am thankful for the Army. I am thankful for everything my husband has done to provide for us and for everything the Army provides for us. I am thankful for all the service members out there and am thankful for all those that show their support of service members and their families. I am thankful for those that show my husband support, because by supporting him, they are supporting me. I am thankful for living in this great country. I am just thankful for all that I have and for everyone in my life.
One holiday down. Successfully accomplished. Getting closer, day by day.
I also got to talk to Ian this morning. I felt bad because I asked him how his Thanksgiving meal was and he said it didn't taste that good. He was able to spend it with a friend that we met in Germany about 6 years ago, but he said he would have preferred his wife and kids. I prefer that too, but there really is nothing we can do about that. So, yes, the day was great, but sad because we missed Ian.
In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I have been thinking about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my husband, my kids, my family, and my friends. Some people would think me crazy, but I am thankful for the Army. I am thankful for everything my husband has done to provide for us and for everything the Army provides for us. I am thankful for all the service members out there and am thankful for all those that show their support of service members and their families. I am thankful for those that show my husband support, because by supporting him, they are supporting me. I am thankful for living in this great country. I am just thankful for all that I have and for everyone in my life.
One holiday down. Successfully accomplished. Getting closer, day by day.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Day 154: I just don't care
So, it hasn't even been a week since my husband left to go back downrange and it feels like it has been a month. He left exactly a week before Thanksgiving, and it really helped the holiday sneak up on me. I am just not in the mood for this holiday, and really wouldn't care if I celebrated it or not. If it weren't for one of my best friends, Lyssa, inviting my kids and me over for dinner, I don't know if I really would have put in the effort. I know it is important for my kids to keep things normal and still celebrate the holidays with them, but it is hard because the separation is still so "new" again. I am sure I would have done something with my kids, like maybe go to the DFAC (dining facility) on post, to have a Thanksgiving meal, anything to say that we celebrated without having to really put effort into a holiday I don't want to face without my husband. We have celebrated holidays apart before, but the beauty of military lifestyle is that I have never been alone. This year is no different. I am not alone this year, but I guess because of my job and Ian coming home, I have not seen many of my friends in weeks and I feel a little apart from them. Plus the fact that he just left makes it just that much harder.
I am still thankful for the holiday and thankful for all that I have. I am thankful that my husband is safe over there and thankful that our love is still going strong. I am thankful for my family and my friends who stay by me through it all and support my husband, kids, and me. I am thankful for my kids who give me a reason to keep going when all I want to do is curl into a ball. Just because I am not in the mood for the holiday doesn't mean I am not thankful for this life I have, I am, but I am just not feeling celebratory at this very moment.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him.
I am still thankful for the holiday and thankful for all that I have. I am thankful that my husband is safe over there and thankful that our love is still going strong. I am thankful for my family and my friends who stay by me through it all and support my husband, kids, and me. I am thankful for my kids who give me a reason to keep going when all I want to do is curl into a ball. Just because I am not in the mood for the holiday doesn't mean I am not thankful for this life I have, I am, but I am just not feeling celebratory at this very moment.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Day 153: Unexplained
Today was a great day at work. Even though I am a sub, I really feel like I am part of the team at the school I am working for. It is a great feeling to be part of the team rather than "just a sub" because I feel like I belong there and that my contributions matter at that school.
After school today, I came home to be with my kids and enjoy the afternoon. I wasn't expecting to have to do a lot of housework, because for the first time since moving back stateside, I hired someone to come in and help me out since I have been sick. Unfortunately, when I got home, it wasn't how I was expecting. I ended up having to re-do the floors and the tubs, and tomorrow I have to clean the baseboards that were not done. So, I will have to do some extra chores, on top of what I already knew I would have to do, tomorrow and it will leave less time for anything else. It is a good thing my dad is here though, because he can take the kids to the park or outside to ride their bikes so I can get a few things done around here.
The kids and I also got to talk to Ian tonight via Skype and we really enjoyed it. We literally talked about nothing and everything and loved ever minute of it. The kids were being their goofy selves and showed off for Ian. Daniel was actually interested in talking to Ian and was upset when Ian had to go. That is progress for him. Usually he doesn't want to talk to Ian, so I am happy that he seemed interested tonight.
Even after this great day I have had, I still can't seem to shake the blues. I can't explain completely what is going on because one minute I am okay and the next I am melancholy. A lot of people tell me that is okay, and I know in a way it is. I just hate the unexplained mood changes that take me from okay to sad in about 2.5 seconds. Looking back on the mood change of the night, I think it came a lot from my husband getting off the computer with me (I always hate to let him go, no matter how long we get to talk) and the various fits the kids give me as I am getting them ready for bed. Either way, I don't like it, but it is a fact of life right now. So, that is where I am. I am tired and sad. It isn't the easiest thing for me to say, but it is honest. I will not always have good strong days/times, and that is okay. The point is that I am here, I stand proud behind my husband, and I am living during this deployment.
Another day is done, with God's help. Another day closer to holding my husband in my arms again. And with God's help, I will be able to get through the feelings as they come and keep taking it one day at a time.
After school today, I came home to be with my kids and enjoy the afternoon. I wasn't expecting to have to do a lot of housework, because for the first time since moving back stateside, I hired someone to come in and help me out since I have been sick. Unfortunately, when I got home, it wasn't how I was expecting. I ended up having to re-do the floors and the tubs, and tomorrow I have to clean the baseboards that were not done. So, I will have to do some extra chores, on top of what I already knew I would have to do, tomorrow and it will leave less time for anything else. It is a good thing my dad is here though, because he can take the kids to the park or outside to ride their bikes so I can get a few things done around here.
The kids and I also got to talk to Ian tonight via Skype and we really enjoyed it. We literally talked about nothing and everything and loved ever minute of it. The kids were being their goofy selves and showed off for Ian. Daniel was actually interested in talking to Ian and was upset when Ian had to go. That is progress for him. Usually he doesn't want to talk to Ian, so I am happy that he seemed interested tonight.
Even after this great day I have had, I still can't seem to shake the blues. I can't explain completely what is going on because one minute I am okay and the next I am melancholy. A lot of people tell me that is okay, and I know in a way it is. I just hate the unexplained mood changes that take me from okay to sad in about 2.5 seconds. Looking back on the mood change of the night, I think it came a lot from my husband getting off the computer with me (I always hate to let him go, no matter how long we get to talk) and the various fits the kids give me as I am getting them ready for bed. Either way, I don't like it, but it is a fact of life right now. So, that is where I am. I am tired and sad. It isn't the easiest thing for me to say, but it is honest. I will not always have good strong days/times, and that is okay. The point is that I am here, I stand proud behind my husband, and I am living during this deployment.
Another day is done, with God's help. Another day closer to holding my husband in my arms again. And with God's help, I will be able to get through the feelings as they come and keep taking it one day at a time.
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