04/15/2012
You know, there are some hard parts about deployment that are pretty obvious to just about anyone... The separation, the loneliness, the single parenting, the fear, the worry. One thing that people don't really talk about is how hard it is to have normal marital issues while he is over there: like fighting or simply just being upset at him.
Ian and I don't fight much, we never have. Even during this deployment we argued maybe once and it was taken care of quickly. Well, my husband basically put his foot in his mouth when he said something to me over Skype yesterday, and it really hurt my feelings and upset me. I didn't feel like talking anymore, because that is what I do. I get hurt and then I clam up. Eventually I will talk about it, but for the moment, I am just hurt. He didn't say it to be mean. He just wasn't thinking when he said it. So, I told the kids to talk to him, and I went into another room. Eventually, the kids brought the computer back, but I was still upset and didn't really want to talk. So, Ian and I sat there for a little bit, he apologized, I told him I forgave him and that I still love him, but I wasn't completely over it yet. I was still hurt in the fact that I am overly sensitive about certain topics already, add the deployment, and then his comment made things a hundred times worse. Eventually, we gave up on the conversation because he had to go to bed. He knew I still love him but also knows me well enough to know that I need a few hours to straighten myself back up again. So, we said our "I love you and I miss you"'s to each other, and got off the computer.
Cue the guilt.....
Yup, as soon as I got off that computer, I felt guilty for being upset. I felt guilty for having my feelings hurt. I felt guilty for getting off the computer with him, even though he needed to go to bed. I felt guilty for wasting that time on the computer with him. I was so immensely upset at myself that I just cried. I didn't cry so much because of my hurt feelings, but more so because of the fact that I wasted that precious time with him.
Stupid deployment has taken that away from me too. I can't even have my own darn feelings. Can't even have normal marital "issues" without feeling so much guilt about it that I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't just be upset for an hour about something that hurt my feelings because of where he is at. So, yes, I am bitter at deployment for that. Had Ian actually been home when he said the stupid comment to me I would have been upset, went up to our room, to the kitchen, or out to the yard, and cleaned a bit. Ian would have come out to me about 10 minutes later to apologize and hug me. I would have told him I loved him and that it was okay, but that I still needed some alone time. 30 minutes later, I would have been walking back up to him, putting myself in his arms, and having him just hold me. Then, I would have told him that I am sorry for the way I reacted because I know he didn't mean it and would have explained what hurt me. Then it would be done. We would have moved on and gone about our day.
Not during deployment. Luckily though, my husband called me that night and I was fine by then and I apologized to him for overreacting. It was a rough day because of how bad I felt, but I realized I was so lucky that I got to talk to him again and tell him I was sorry and that it was all forgiven and forgotten.
Home stretch. We are moving right through this deployment, one day at a time.
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