A Letter to My Husband

I have been debating this post for quite some time. It is a very personal post but I felt that sharing it might just reach someone who has been in the same funk I have been in. I wrote this letter to my husband a few weeks ago because I felt he needed to hear it and I needed to say it. I know that for some time now I have had a problem with finding all the downsides to my life. I was really good at it and didn't fully appreciate my life. One night, I started thinking about the way our life used to be. We live paycheck to paycheck, taking out payday loans (yeah, we got sucked into that black hole), wondering if we were going to be able to pay our bills that month, and just overall struggling to make it. Even then, when we were struggling I was thankful for all that we had and the family me had. Thinking back though it made me realize how far we have come and how thankful I am for this life that I have been given. I realized just how blessed we have been and how much God has really helped us along. I am not saying my life is perfect or that we don't struggle. I am merely saying that I have chosen to be thankful. So, with that, here is my letter to my amazing husband.....

Hey there handsome,

 

How are you? I wanted to write you tonight because I have been thinking about something and wanted to tell you before I forgot to. Not that I could forget to tell you this particular thing because it is something that I need to tell you more often, but I know when we get to talking, things just get left out. So here it goes.......

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you for this amazing life you have provided for our family. I have always known I was lucky. Always. I have always known that God blessed me with you and our children. I have always known that our life together is a gift from God that I cannot take for granted (though admittedly, I have at times). I know that our life that is provided for our family is through God's grace and mercy and it is His hand that has guided us along the way.

 

All that being said, I still feel like I need/want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving so much of yourself in service to our family. You have worked tirelessly and thanklessly for a long time to provide for our family. Not just financially either, you have worked so hard to ensure that our kids and myself get the love and affection we need. You work so hard to make sure you are able to say "hi" and tell us you love us every day in one form or another. You get up early or stay up late just to talk to us (me mostly :-) because you know it is what we need, especially while you're deployed.

 

I am writing this because I know I don't say it enough. I know that I take the work that you do and the sacrifices you make for granted sometimes. I keep thinking that I do so much for this family and that does not leave me room to acknowledge what you do for our family. Well, I am going to right that because you deserve it.

 

I was thinking back to our early years as a newly-married couple and as a small family and remember the day to day struggles we faced. The times when we ate less so the kids could have more, or we would make our clothes last longer than they should have because we really couldn't afford more. The times when we drove cars that were falling apart and questionable on even the shortest trips to work. Back when we were robbing (or borrowing from) Peter to pay Paul. Then, I look at the life we have now: the beautiful house, the nice cars, clothes on our backs, food, TV, medical insurance, etc, and realize just how blessed we are. I realized that I have an amazing life where I can live simply and really not need anything more. I am blessed! You have blessed me as your wife and made it such an amazing journey to be on with you.

 

I know I am rambling a bit but I really want you to know just how thankful I am to have you as my husband and personal hero. You give to your family, your church, and your country. You have such an amazing heart and are always so loving and selfless. I feel like lately I have been in a bit of a downward spiral and have been complaining about a lot of things. I have found an issue with just about every aspect of my life: your deployment, the kids, my job, the house, the cars, the bills, etc. You name it, I have found an issue I can complain about... and I have complained. I just realized tonight that I really shouldn't complain because despite the struggles of the everyday stuff, there is so much more to be thankful for and to rejoice over than any of the bad things I can come up with.

 

I guess this letter is my way of saying thank you and I'm sorry in the same breath. I am sorry I have been negative lately and I am sorry I didn't say any of this sooner. I am making a honest commitment to be content in my life, to appreciate all that you have done for us, and to praise God through it all, even the storms. I am not a usual optimist (I know you know this), but I am going to make an honest effort to become one.

 

I hope this letter makes sense to you and that you know that I truly do love you and thank you for everything you have done for our family. I thank God every day for you and continue to pray for your safe return. Until you can feel my arms around your neck and my lips on yours, this will have to suffice XOXOXOXOXOXO :-) I love you and miss you more and more every day.

 

Loving you always,

Laura

My Health Scare

So, about a week ago I went to the doctor to ask about a spot on one of my breasts. I wasn't sure about it because it was a spot (not a lump), had been there for over 2 months and had grown. Needless to say, I was concerned when it didn't go away.

My dad and his fiancé were visiting for the week when I decided to go ahead and go see the doctor. She was nice and listened to my concerns. After the exam she threw out words like mammogram, ultrasound, and inflammatory breast cancer. All of these words immediately struck me with fear. I had heard of that type of cancer before and remembered it wasn't a "normal" kind. It was aggressive and difficult to diagnose. Of course she didn't know if that is what I had, but told me worst case scenario kind of things. I had to wait for a week to get the tests needed.

My first thought was if I should tell Ian or not. I was conflicted. On one hand, if I told him and it turned out to be nothing then I would be worrying him while he is downrange for nothing. On the other hand, if I didn't tell him until after I knew one way or another he would be furious with me. I knew he would want to know, as much as I would have wanted to know something like that about him no matter where I was. So I told him what the doctor said and what the next steps were that I had to take. To be perfectly honest, telling him was the best thing I could have done because then I knew I had my best friend behind me and I had him to talk me down a little. I had his support and his comfort, even if it was through the screen and speaker of my phone. It was still helpful and I wasn't hiding anything from him. I know he hated the fact that he couldn't have been here for me in person and it really bothered him. He was very adamant that no matter what time it was for him, I had to call him when I was done with my appointment to tell him what, if anything, they told me. I argued with him because I wanted him to get some sleep. I lost that argument and called him after the mammogram and ultrasound.

I learned a lot about a few people in my life. I learned that some of the most unlikely friends were willing to take time off work for me to come and be with me. One woman from work told me that she had some extra days she could donate to me if needed and that she could take the others to be with me, if I needed any extra treatment. She really touched my heart, even offering to come with me to the mammogram. She showed me God's love and she gave me an ear to bend. I was able to talk to her about my concerns and she was kind enough to let me talk brave, though she knew better. Another friend of mine actually did take off work to be with me, just in case I was told anything at the actual appointment. This is the first time I have ever had anything like this done, so I didn't know what to expect. She drove over to the hospital with me and sat in the waiting room with me before my appointment. In between the mammogram and the ultrasound I had to sit in the hall, where she was at, wearing my robe. She sat with me and made me laugh. She took my mind off of it all for a few minutes until it was time to go in for my ultrasound. She took time out of her day to be there for me, without a second of hesitation. Man, I didn't know the friends I have.

At the appointment, the radiologist put my mind at ease and said she didn't think it was inflammatory breast cancer just looking at the skin and the ultrasound. She explained what it would look like and what to watch for just in case, but she was almost certain. That eased my mind a lot. I was able to walk out of there with a relieved smile on my face and my friend was there to hug me and tell me that she knew all along that I would be ok. I still have to wait for the full report, but the biggest concern was ruled out. I called Ian and told him about it. He was obviously relieved. As soon as I told him what I was told, I told him to go to bed and that I would elaborate more when he woke up. I didn't get any resistance! :-)

Then, because I was ok and my appointment took less time than expected, I went back to work. I helped get the rest of my kids home and went to a meeting. I was able to tell my friend that I was ok and the relief on her face must have mirrored mine. I know she, like myself, had been worried and praying hard for me. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was.

This whole thing was kind of a surreal experience. I kept telling myself that I was ok and that I had nothing to worry about, but in the back of my mind I kept hearing myself saying "what if." Then to have this happen when Ian was deployed made it so much worse. Again, I was saying "what if" it is serious? What would this mean for Ian? For me? For our kids? I am thankful that the initial findings show it isn't the aggressive cancer we were concerned about.

I still have to figure out what it is, but that is another issue for another day and another doctor. For now, I am just thankful for the friends who supported me, the family who talked me down, and the husband that was there for me from 7,000 miles away. I know it was just a scare, but a scare is enough to show you what you should be thankful for and those around you that have your back.

Conceal, Don't Feel

I have been debating about this particular post for over a week now because I didn't want people to know my "weakness," but here it is. I surprised myself with writing and publishing this one, so I hope you like it, can relate, or at least mildly understand where I am going with this one......

So, I was driving to work last week and was listening to music on my phone when a new song came on. It was the song "Let it Go" from the movie "Frozen." I took the kids to see it the weekend before and we all loved it so much that I bought the soundtrack. I had heard the song a few times before this, but for some reason when I heard it this time it made me start crying. I couldn't figure it out. Why was I crying over a darn Disney song? Then I realized that as crazy as it sounds, I related to the song. She was singing my song. The girl singing it has concealed her "powers" for years and finally people saw her powers and her world around her fell apart. By no stretch of the imagination do I have powers to control ice and freeze things, but I do feel like I am her at times. Read the first verse:

 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

I feel like I am that girl. I am concealing myself. Concealing how I feel, not showing people the real storm inside, always telling them I am okay when I'm not. I am always being the "good girl" everyone wants me to be: the loving, patient, faithful, waiting wife; the parent filling in the role of both mom and dad; the caring teacher; the sympathetic, caring friend. I am doing all of these things and on the outside (to the untrained eye) I am great. On the inside, however, I feel like I have a storm brewing and it is only a matter of time before it shows and my world falls apart too.

Don't let them in, don't let them see. Conceal, don't feel. That is the only way I know how to deal with it all. It is how I was taught, the way I have always done it. The movie, however, made a great point (spoiler alert). When she finally "let it go" she ended up isolating herself from everyone, including her sister who loved her. By the end of the movie she learned that concealing it wasn't the way to control it, opening your heart, loving, accepting yourself and accepting the love of those around you is the way to control the "storm." I think this is why I love this movie so much. It isn't often when a Disney movie can really teach me something. Most of the ones I grew up on were the generic fairy tales we have all heard a hundred times, where "Frozen" is a story I had never heard before with a moral that actually taught this teacher a thing or two. I know that I am always able to learn, we never stop learning, but it is the fact that I learned something in this most unlikely of places that really shocks me.

I am taking this lesson to heart. I am starting to open up. I am trying not to conceal myself from everyone. Does this mean that I am going to walk up to someone I don't know and tell them all that is going on and all that I feel? Ummmm, no. It does mean that I am starting to open up to those that are still left in my life that I know care. I am starting to talk to them about the storms, allowing them to talk me down or help me up. I am realizing that accepting the love from people around me is the only way I am going to make it through this deployment without being taken out by it. By letting people see the real me, what is really going on, it helps to teach me to manage it better and not waste the energy and pain trying to hide it.

Comparing deployments is like comparing kids

You read that right, comparing deployments is like comparing your kids. You just shouldn't do it. No matter what there are always differences between them and they never act the same. I find myself saying a lot that "this deployment is so much harder than the last one" or "Last time we were able to talk more" or "last deployment I wasn't nearly this stressed." I think I faked myself out thinking that since I had been through one, the second one should be a breeze. Man did I ever I set myself up!

Last deployment was hard because on the third day, I had to put down our very sick 10-year-old dachshund. Three months later our 15-year-old dachshund died. Plus my husband and I were still working on the whole communication thing and we weren't sure how much to tell and how much to hold back from each other. Once we got that sorted out, it got better. I am not saying that it was perfect or that I worried less, just that it got better. My job was a little easier and I had more freedoms with it. I also had the help of my amazing father for the first 4 months.

This time though has been a lot different on both sides of the ocean. Ian is doing a different job that has some crazy hours. I am working full time and my hours don't line up with his. Our communication is suffering a little. When I say that, I just mean that we aren't able to talk as much as we would like, but we are learning that in the times we can talk to each other that we have to make sure it counts. We are both really bad about writing emails because we want to make sure we have something to talk about when he calls. Plus, by the time either one of us has a few minutes to write, we are exhausted and heading to bed. So, we are instead doing small notes to each other in our emails to say we are missing each other and thinking about each other. It is a little thing, but I know when I receive those emails, they put a smile on my face and make my day a little better.

On my side of the ocean, it has been especially trying. I have had a lot of added responsibilities put on me at work, the kids have started with their deployment issues, I have had some health problems that cause me to miss work, and I have had some setbacks with some close friends. All of these and more have made the first two months of this deployment to be one for the books! I know I said you shouldn't, but this first two months have been so much harder than the first two months of the last deployment.

The work stuff I can handle because I am good at my job and failure is not an option. With my kids' behavior problems, I will help the kids pull through this too, just like I did last time. Rather, I should say Ian and I will help the kids pull through because he helps just as much in that department. The health issues are starting to iron out, which has helped a lot but I still have a few doctors appointments in my near future. The hardest part is the issues I have been having with my friends.

I feel like I am losing vital support at the time I need it most. I feel like no matter what I do, I am just going to be alone in this deployment. Don't get me wrong, I have my family whom I can call anytime I need it and I love them for that! I have a few awesome co-worker friends who are there for me. It is just that I lost a few friends not long ago because of being busy and my inability to call them. Which I take full responsibility for and kick myself daily for. After losing them, I thought it was just a fluke, that maybe it was just that I wasn't enough for those friends but I still had other fantastic friends who accepted me and all my shortcomings. Then, I recently have had a few setbacks with another close friend. This one made me wonder if it is me. Am I really that bad of a friend?

I used to think I was a good friend. Even if I didn't call all the time, if you ever called and said you needed me or needed something that was within my power to get/do, I would jump right on it for you. If you called and needed to talk, I was there. If you needed me to come over in the middle of the night for an emergency, I would without hesitation. My friends KNEW I would be there for them no matter what. So, what has changed that I have lost so many? What is it about me that makes my friends think that I no longer care or am no longer worth their time? I don't know. I know I can get wrapped up in my own daily life and am bad at calling and forget to set up play dates. Most days, I forget to eat because I am so overwhelmed, and I definitely forget to call even my own parents. They jokingly say they were wondering if I were still alive because it had been a while since they heard from me. They saw my sporadic Facebook posts and knew all was ok, but still, I have to work harder at calling them more often too.

I know I am rambling a bit, but even though I have been here in this area for longer than when Ian deployed last time, I feel like I am even more alone than before. It really sucks because I thought I had the deployment already beat this time with the support system that we had built over the last 2 1/2 years, but I am slowly seeing it start to crumble. I know I don't have an option but to drive on and survive this deployment, but it sure is getting harder by the day. It is amazing how much losing a friend can really hurt you in a normal situation, but in the middle of a deployment it feels 1,000 times worse. I pray daily that it is just a bump in the road and that everything will iron out, but I guess only time will tell.

I won't allow myself to be beaten down. NO MATTER WHAT I AM SURVIVING THIS DEPLOYMENT! My husband will have someone here who is worth coming home to. No matter what happens with my friends, my husband and kids are my priority and I won't allow anything to come between that.

To all my friends and family reading this, please know that I am thankful daily that you are still in my life and thank you for the support you give my family and me, even if from afar.

Missing Milestones

When you think about a deployment you immediately think about all the things the soldier will miss. All the holidays, birthdays, recitals, games, etc. that he will miss and it can be upsetting. Even in our last deployment that was our (and I say our because Ian and I both felt this way) biggest concern, how much Ian would miss in the year he was gone. To be honest, that was our main concern for this deployment... Until now.

I realized today that I have missed a big event in Ian's life. It didn't register until I saw a picture of Ian reenlisting in Afghanistan in front of an American flag, without me there. I was insanely proud of him, but I wasn't there for it. I have been there from day one. I have been there for every promotion ceremony and every reenlistment ceremony. So, seeing a picture of him reenlisting without me in it was surprisingly upsetting. I know it is a fact of the Army life, but I didn't realize how upset I would be about missing something like that. It is a big deal for me. I love being there for him and being a supportive part of his military career. I love that I have been there to watch his career progress and his commitment to the Army continue. I really wished I was there for it this time. I wish I could have been able to stand next to him as he raised his right hand and swore to defend our country for 4 more years. I wish I could have been there to see it, to hear it, and to hug him afterwards and tell him how proud I was of him. I know I can say that now, through the computer, but it just isn't the same. I just didn't realize what milestones I would be missing out on. It was quite the eye opener for me today. It gave me a small insight into exactly how Ian must be feeling when he sees the pictures of our milestones without him in them.

To my husband: I am so proud of you and the amazing man, husband, father, and soldier that you are. I am sorry I wasn't there but I hope you know how much I wish I was there and how insanely proud of you I am . I have been given a glimpse and can begin to understand how missing as much as you do can be so hard, but you do it because you love us and love your country. I love you with all my heart and will always be standing behind you cheering you on..... Even from 7,000 miles away. I love you! ~Laura

Would a break really help my frustration level? I doubt it.

This is a post about my frustration level. So, let that be your warning now.

I have been having a lot of issues with being overly stressed and frustrated lately. I just keep having setback after setback. I can't seem to get a break and be able to take a chance to calm my nerves.

Let me explain what happened today to make me so frustrated. To start, I had a horrible day at work. In general it was just a frustrating day with everything I had to deal with and I feel like it just got worse from one minute to the next. Then after school, I had to deal with my own kids coming into my room, messing it up and creating chaos. They have been having this nasty habit of coming in my room and playing with EVERYTHING and messing it up completely. I have been trying hard to get them to understand that my classroom is not their personal playground. Though, to give them a bit of grace, it is rough being at school all day and then having to stay there for even longer while your mom works on her classroom stuff. They want to keep busy and I get that. I just want them to understand that my room has to be left relatively intact.

I was just at the end of my rope by the end of the day already. Then I got so frustrated with them because when I had to answer my phone to talk to a parent, I told them to be quiet because I had to take that call. However, when I started talking to the parent, my kids went nuts! They started yelling at each other and running around behind me! I was so upset with them. After I was done with the phone call, I made my kids sit in almost complete silence. They had to realize that the way they act is unacceptable.

So, on my way home, I thought to myself that I could use a break. Then I realized that a break wouldn't really help me. My issues would be right there when I came home. My son's behavior problems, daughters' attitudes, work issues, keeping my home clean, etc.... I have no one to defer to and ask for help with these issues and all those problems will be waiting for me when I get done with my "break."  Even while taking my "break" I am usually talking or thinking about my issues and trying to figure out how to fix it. I just don't see a benefit to taking the night off, getting a sitter to take care of the kids and spending all that money. Maybe that is the frustration talking, but all I see is an hour away from the family and then having to deal with just as much, or maybe even more depending on Daniel's behavior, when I come back. The rational side of me knows I need a break and need to take a deep breath, but I guess the irrational side is the one winning out right now. Who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and it will actually help. One can hope at least.

Seeing the signs

I know my kids miss their dad. That is a given. They miss him so much because he has always been that dad who is there for everything and misses nothing if he can help it. He is the dad that is reading to them, tucking them into bed, and playing with them in whatever sport they want him to play. He is the loving dad that gives great hugs and uses the words "I love you" frequently. There is definitely a lot to miss about him.

I knew they missed him, but it is the little things that are said or the little signs they give off that show the true feelings they have. Natalie is a daddy's girl and has always taken Ian's absences hard. Always. She misses him instantly and even before he leaves, she misses him. For the most part you can read her like a book. The other day, however, she just stopped in to say hi and give the school counselor a hug (she's been out on maternity leave until just recently). So she said hi, gave her a hug, and then started just talking about anything and everything (she gets that from me.... it's a gift). As she is talking, out of nowhere she starts crying and the real feelings start coming out. I was happy that she had someone to talk to other than me because I know how important it is to have someone else outside the situation tell you that it is ok to have the feelings you have.

Daniel, on the other hand, is showing a little differently. He is starting in the typical behavior issues and problems at school and home. We are working on it slowly but surely. The thing that he said tonight made me really realize how much his dad being gone is really bothering him. He told me he is building a robot (out of scrap pieces of cardboard... yup, he's a boy) and has been taking pieces of cardboard up to his room (he keeps asking me for a knife... ummm, no). So tonight he was talking about all the pieces to his robot and says that this month his robot will be a daddy robot. Then says, "Wait no, it will be for the whole year." That little statement showed me just how much he misses dad.

I am trying to help them through, and Ian is too, but sometimes I don't know what I can do to help. I am grateful for the people we have in our lives, like our pastor, friends, and my coworkers, that are always so willing to talk to the kids and play with them. They help more than I think they could ever know. Sometimes, mom listening just doesn't cut it. They need to tell someone else to feel validated. When they talk to me, well of course I am going to say they have every right to be sad or miss their daddy because I miss him too. When someone else outside the situation says that then it must be ok because they don't really miss Ian like we do. So it makes them feel better.

I am starting to realize that I need to watch out for these signs more because they aren't always so obvious. If I can see the subtle signs, then maybe I can help them or know of someone who can. Well, at least that is my latest goal. :-)

Proudly, I tell you all we have made it through a month. It has been a hard fought battle on our end, but we have come through the first month. We are taking it a day at a time and working hard on successfully making it through this one.

I Keep On Trying

I am thankful about how amazing my husband is. How much he understands and how much he does, even when he is 7,000+ miles away, talking to me through a video call. I am beyond lucky to have him as my partner and best friend in this life.

Today was our oldest daughter's 11th birthday. I took the day off because I had a few appointments in the morning and in the afternoon, I picked her up for lunch and pedicures. Her and I had a great time and she loved every minute of our time together. Ian sent her a present just from him, a camera. She has started really getting into photography and he and I really want to encourage it.

It was a rough start to the day because I had to go take care of my ticket (the first and hopefully only one I have ever gotten), and found out I was a day late in turning in my paperwork. So now, I don't know what I am going to do. Now, I have to go talk to a judge and explain why I was a day late with my paperwork. I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on at work, home, and the deployment, that I forgot and got the dates mixed up. I am just afraid that if I do take the time off to go see the judge, he is just going to yell at me and say I am making excuses and I will still end up losing all that money. So, when Ian called me around lunch time (our time), he saw there was something wrong in my face. He talked to Emily for a minute about her birthday and the present he sent for her, and then the conversation went to me. I told him about what happened at my doctor's appointment and what happened with my ticket. I thought he would get upset at me, because after all I was the one who forgot and got the dates wrong. Instead, he told me it was okay and that he understands that I have had a lot on my plate. He told me not to be so hard on myself. I just cried and told him I was sorry over and over again. He continued to console me and tell me it was just money and that we would be okay either way. The most important part to him was my well-being and that of our kids.

I am so blessed to have him. I say that over and over again because, it's true.
I feel like I keep trying and trying and I can't seem to win. He just continues to encourage me.
The more I try at work, the more issues I have. He tells me to keep fighting.
I try to do things for my kids, but end up forgetting everything else I am responsible for. He tells me that I will work it out.
I try to keep my commitments, but end up losing out on time with my kids or time for myself. He helps me find help so I can do everything for my kids and myself.
I try to be nice to people I think are friends, but end up being told something mean that hurts me. He tells me they don't know what they are talking about because I am beautiful inside and out.
I keep trying and it feels like I am running in place. Ian sees it and he is ever the optimist. He is always the one telling me what the upside is, how it could be perceived in a positive way, or helping me to realize that I am being really hard on myself. I am a mess, and he still loves me. I am a mess and he is still willing to help keep me going.

I will keep on trying because, in the end, I know my family is worth it. In the end, I know I am worth it. I am worth trying for. My family is worth working for. I will keep on trying because failure is not an option. I will keep on trying because I know God will not give up on me. I keep on trying because I am me, and it is what I do. I will keep on trying because I am an Army wife and we work hard to keep our families together despite the miles between us. I will keep on trying because what other choice is there? To give up? To let other beat me and help to ruin my family? To let the deployment win and break apart my marriage? Those are not acceptable choices. The ONLY choice I have is to keep trying and keep fighting for those I love, no matter what I have to do.

Here we go again

Well, I am back. I am starting up my deployment blog again because Ian has left again. It has been almost a month since he left, and I am just now starting to accept the fact that he is going to be gone for 8 more months. I have to be honest, it is a little bit of a relief to know that I "only" have 8 months left and that I have survived almost a month already.

This deployment, to me, seems so much harder than the last one. You would think that because we have been through it before and we know what to expect, that it would make it easier. Truth be told, it makes it just that much more difficult. Last time, the kids didn't really understand how long a year would really be. They didn't get what it would mean to have daddy miss all those holidays and birthdays until it actually happened. This time, they didn't need to be told. They knew exactly what we meant when we said daddy was deploying again. They knew it would mean that he would miss another birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, school awards ceremonies, plays, games, and recitals. They knew it from the moment we told them that Ian would deploy. The anticipation this time was so much worse than last time. The immediate effects of the deployment on the kids is so much more obvious. We are dealing with the behavior problems, the "I miss daddy", and the "I hate the Army" talks already. It has been a rough month.

I, on the other hand, was blind-sided by this deployment. When I say that I don't mean that I didn't know it was coming until right before it happened. I mean that I didn't realize how close it was until three days before he left. I was so focused on the baby steps leading up to it, that I didn't realize it was already on us until it was too late. Ian was in training until a month before his deployment, so I was waiting for him to come back. Once he got back, we were going on leave to visit his family for two weeks. Then, I had to start work and do the final touches on my classroom. Then, it was the first day/week of school that I needed to survive. I did that and then BAM! It was time to say "See you later" at 2am. I tried to hold it together this time. I tried not to completely lose it the night he left. I think I did pretty good. Did I cry? Of course I did, but it wasn't a sobbing meltdown there in front of Ian and the kids. I felt like I had to be strong for Ian and for the kids this time. Last time, it was Ian being strong for us. This time it was my turn because it was my husband needed from me to be able to leave us and go to war.

Not to whine too much, but this month has been hell. It has been stressful at work, the kids have been acting up, and I still can't sleep without my husband next to me. I know that within the next few months I will get used to sleeping without him and should start sleeping better. I hope the kids calm down a bit and their behavior gets better, but that is something we all have to work out together. I know that work will be work and I honestly don't see it getting any easier. Maybe, I will start getting yelled at less, but again, that is something I don't really know if it will or will not happen. I feel like I am treading water for now, with only occasional times where I sink. Though I can feel God calling me to swim harder and to trust him to be my life preserver. That is where my focus is at the moment: to let God be God and to give Him control and trust. Easier said than done, I know.

I do have to tell you that I have been surprised at the amount of support I have for this one, and from some unlikely sources. The friends I counted on last deployment felt like I left them once my husband came home and I started working last year. I tried not to but life happened, work, kids, reintegration, stress, home buying, etc. I just wasn't as connected with them as I should have been and that cost me some dear friends. So, coming into this deployment, I thought I was going to be utterly alone. That no one would be there for me and no one would help if I needed it. Thank God that I was wrong. I have a great group of friends that are mostly from work that have stepped up to help me out. They have been supportive and flat out amazing. My best friend in the world helped me out and supported me the night Ian left and every day since letting me vent on the phone. Other friends have volunteered to help me with my kids and anything else they can, and have meant it. They are all constantly asking how I am, and I really appreciate it. It has been one of those things that have helped make this deployment look like it can be survived. It has renewed my own self-esteem knowing that I still have some friends who love my family and me and are willing to be there for me. I have even seen some repairs happening in some of the friendships I have lost, thank God for that.

All in all, I am surviving this deployment so far, though much more roughly. I will be writing in here when I can, or when I think I actually have something to write about. I had a few people tell me they didn't like that I left the blog unfinished at the end of the deployment. So, I think I am going to publish the draft I started and finish it up with some reintegration info.

Thank you all for sticking with me and reading. Hopefully you will hear from me again soon.

Day 311-321: Way too much stress

04/29/2012-05/09/2012

Well, I lost my momentum with this blog. I told myself I would write a blog everyday no matter what. Something to document this year and show that each day has counted in some way. I kind of dropped the ball. Mostly, I have been so busy, tired, and stressed that I just didn't want to sit down at night and write. I also had been talking to my husband fairly consistently and was able to talk with him about everything. In the past 10 days, I have had to deal with my daughter's school, my own doctor's appointment to get some tests run, and my son having a severe asthmatic episode that lasted for more than 5 days. It was all just a bit crazy and overwhelming.

In regards to my daughter's school, I was able to get a meeting with her principal and talked to her about what had gone on. She had not been made aware of the issue until receiving emails from both my husband and myself. She was great to talk to and she was very understanding of my concerns. I felt she really did handle it well and resolved it as best as it could be resolved.

Daniel was put on a steroid to get his asthma under control and was given some medications to manage his asthma. As of right now, I am still trying to keep it under control and having to give him treatments every 4 hours, which is difficult at times, but him breathing is well worth the issues. It is kind of funny because he gets so amped up after having a treatment that he just can't seem to control himself. Normally he is a hyper kid, add the asthma treatments and he gets worse. It can be comical, but also a bit stressful.

I took Daniel to the doctor yesterday and while we were at the doctor, I got a phone call. It was one that I wasn't expecting to get. It was from my doctor's office. They called to tell me that they got the results of my tests and said they need to see me ASAP.  They asked if I could come in that day, but I told them I couldn't because of Daniel. They then asked if I could come in the next day (today) and I was able to schedule and appointment for after school. Needless to say that as soon as I got off the phone with them, I was insanely worried. I prayed, and prayed hard. I mostly just wish they could have told me right then instead of making me wait. I know it is going to be some not so great news, because they never call you in ASAP to tell you good news. Especially since I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of the month.

I wrestled with telling Ian about it. I didn't want to worry him if it was unnecessary. I wanted to wait until I knew what the problem was before I told him anything. But, I know my husband. I know he would want to know. I know that if I held this from him, he would be upset at me. I also know that he is training right now and is not directly in harms way. So, I was okay with telling him. I will admit that if he was going out on a mission or doing something really dangerous, I would have not told him until he was safe again.

So, I told Ian yesterday. He is naturally worried about me, but I assured him that I was okay and would be well taken care of by my friends no matter what it is. I know that no matter what, I have people around me to help me out as needed. I also know that Ian wishes he was here and was able to help take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I try to reassure him more that he is doing great and that I will be just fine until he comes home.

I went to the doctor this afternoon. It really wasn't helpful. They basically told me that I have a cyst on my ovary that is about twice the size of the ovary itself. She could not tell me anything about it nor could she answer any of my questions. All she could tell me was that I had it and how big it was. She said that I needed to see a specialist and they will be able to talk to me and tell me more about it. So, now I have to wait until tomorrow to make an appointment and the wait for the actual appointment before I can get some real answers.

I am going to get through whatever this is that I have to deal with physically. I will get through each day that I need to in order to get to the homecoming day. I know we are getting closer, but I am getting more and more anxious for it. One day at a time has worked up to now, and it will have to continue to work.

Day 310: Mommy Time

04/30/2012

Today was a great day. For the first time in over a year, I have found myself a great babysitter and was able to go out by myself for the first time in a while. It was nice to just go out and have dinner and relax at a movie. I didn't feel guilty for asking a friend of mine with her own set of kids. I was able to relax and not worry that my kids were pushing my friends to their limits.

I really can't overstate how amazing it is to find a babysitter that you can trust (outside your circle of friends). Getting those precious times of some me times are great. It is also good for me because I can now start taking the kids on their own individual date nights while leaving the other two with the babysitter. I am a tad more hopeful now that I know I have some added backup here at our new home.

Day 309: I don't want to do this on my own

04/27/2012

I am getting ready to cry UNCLE on this deployment. To give up and let it win. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I have a choice in the matter, I have to continue. The Army won't bring my husband home early just because I cry "Uncle" and am feeling stressed. It isn't that easy.

Today, after I dropped my kids off at school, I drove to Emily's school to speak with her Assistant Principal (AP) about the issue I just became aware of. She was nice enough to meet with me quickly. She said she knew Emily a little in that she had spoken with her a few times at various events and thought she was a sweet, funny kid. When I told her about her being punished for at least 4 months without my knowledge, she said she didn't believe it. She told me that she didn't think it could have gone on for so long. I tried telling her that I had talked to Emily for a while to ensure she was not exaggerating, and she wasn't. She continued to tell me the same thing, never changing her story. As her mother, I have a bit of a super power, I know if she is lying or not (she really sucks at it). I knew she wasn't lying because I wouldn't have jumped in to talk to them about it if I wasn't sure. Then she said that she wants me to meet with the teachers today during their conference time at 1:10pm. I said I would be back by then.

When I came back, I knew it wasn't going to be productive. The first thing the AP said was that she talked to the teacher and the teacher said that Emily had not been on the fence hardly at all. So, I went to the meeting, hoping that it would be better, but I had the feeling I was being lied to. The teacher told me that Emily was rarely on the fence. So I asked her to give me a round about number. Was it once or twice a week? A month? The teacher told me that no, it was sporadic at best. That Emily had hardly been on the fence. I knew that was a lie because my daughter would have told me after I asked her 10 times. She would have said that it really wasn't that much. But Emily told me that she had been on everyday for months. It was too big a difference in what Emily said and what the teacher said. After talking to the teacher for over 30 minutes, I felt no better about the situation. She was trying to keep herself out of trouble. 

Later, Emily came home and told me that her teacher had talked to her after I left. She said things to Emily that were her trying to convince Emily that it "wasn't as much as she thought." She told her to remember the times when she didn't write her name on the board or that she gave all the kids a day off the fence. That did it. Not only had I been lied to, she was trying to talk my daughter into saying she was wrong. I asked Emily again, and she said the same as before. That she was on the fence everyday. The only breaks she had was when it was a really short recess (a couple times maybe) or indoor recess. Then she asked if she could change classes because she was tired of being treated badly by her classmates and because she didn't have anymore friends. They all think she shouldn't be playing with them and that she should be on the fence. That broke my heart.

So, here I sit. Waiting for Monday to try and talk to the principal again. I wish Ian were here to go through this with me. That he were here to talk to the school. I hate having to take care of this on my own, but, again, I know it is what I have to do. I will deal with it because I have to, not because I want to. I want to have my husband by my side to talk to them. At least I have him to talk to at night and have him to help me talk to Emily. For that, I am truly grateful and am able to get through it.

Day 308: Fail.

04/26/2012

Well, today, I did... I failed. I feel like I have failed my oldest daughter. I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have failed her and that it is too late to fix it.

I found out today that my daughter has been missing out on recess for the past 5+ months because she hasn't been having me sign her agenda. I know she does her homework, because I ask her and she shows it to me, plus her grades are great. I didn't know that her agenda was supposed to be signed twice a week. She never asked and never told me. Suddenly she is asking me to sign it and I ask her what the difference is. She said she was always supposed to be having me sign it, but never asked. I thought it meant she was hiding something and that she wasn't doing her homework, but again, I knew I had seen it and I know her grades are great. So, I asked her what the difference is. That is when she told me that if she doesn't get her agenda signed, she loses her recess. I asked her how long this has gone on for and she told me since about November! I was shocked. I couldn't believe she has gone without recess for that long and no one has told me about it, not her, not her teacher. It was a big deal to me because I know that her recess is important for kids her age and that she is a good kid and should not be sitting out every recess like she is doing wrong. I am upset that I wasn't told by either her or her teacher and that it has just been accepted all school year.

I also felt guilty. I have been so consumed with work that I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her teachers hardly at all. I talk to the younger kids' teachers because I am at their school and even work closely with one of them. Emily has been doing so well in school that the few times I have talked to her teachers they have told me they have no worries. So, I wonder that if I talked to them more, would I have been able to avoid this? Would it have changed anything? Would they have asked me what was going on earlier?

I asked Emily why it didn't bother her that she was missing out on recess and she just said that she had gotten used to it.... that broke my heart. She also told me that it kept her away from some of the "popular girls" who drove her nuts with the way they acted and the stuff they would say. Nothing that was really hurtful to her, just annoying. She mostly didn't like how they told her she was short and young. I told her that it is okay to be short and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of it. She is short, just as God made her. She is young, yes, but a smart kid at that. She is a very sweet girl who is funny and nice. I told her that those stupid comments and their stupid actions should not make her want to stand on the fence. I

I have a feeling there is more, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I just wish I could have known about it sooner than now, with 25 or so days left of school. I wish I could have done something sooner, because every day I would ask her about school, she would tell me about a bunch of other stuff, but nothing about this.

Ian would know what to say to her, and I wish he were here to talk to her with me. For now, I just have to wait for him to call so I can tell him about it and get his opinion on how to deal with it. He is usually pretty good and coming up with a plan of action. 

Day 307: Loving a military man

04/25/2012

Day 306: Yup, that hurts

04/24/2012

Today was so painful. My knee was feeling better for the most part, except a few times when I tried to pivot. The major problem was in my calf muscle. Favoring my knee half the day Sunday and all day yesterday really strained my calf muscle. It hurt a little in the morning where I only had a minor limp. By the afternoon, I almost couldn't walk. I really wanted to just go home and lay down. Only problem was that I needed to get to the grocery store to get some stuff for my leg as well and something for dinner for all of us. The kids were really helpful at the commissary. They were more than eager to help me push the cart and grab stuff off the shelves. It was still painful, but they helped more than they know. So, we came home, I took a nice long, hot bath and then made a quick dinner.

I can't wait until my husband comes home. He gives great massages and I know he would help my calf muscle. Plus, he would have me rest and take care of the shopping. Then again, this is what makes us Army wives strong. We drive on when our soldiers are gone because we have to. We take care of everything when we are ill or hurt. The only thing that can keep us down is hospitalization. Other than that, we drive on and make it all work as best we can.

Day 305: Physical challenge

04/23/2012

Today has been a challenging day, physically that is. While simply walking around my car yesterday, I somehow tweaked my knee and it gave way with no real reason for it. After limping around the house for an hour, it seemed to work it's way out. A few hours later I must have stepped wrong again and it ended up hurting again. So, today, I went to work hoping it would work it's way out again, and it didn't. So, during my short lunch break, I ran home and grabbed my old knee brace I used when I rode horses. I used it the rest of the day and it seemed to help stabilize my knee and helped me to get around for the day.

Only problem is that it really made me feel useless today because I couldn't really do anything when we came home. I was in so much pain, I just sat down and watched TV with the kids. I ordered pizza because I just couldn't stand anymore to be able to cook. I was able to function enough and able to still take care of the kids, but I wasn't able to take care of myself. I wasn't really able to relax enough to help my knee. I hope it is better tomorrow because it is going to be a long day if not. I have to be on my feet walking around the whole school all day tomorrow.

For now, I am going to try and get some sleep and hope it heals overnight.

Day 304: Loving my soldier

04/22/2012

Day 303: Oh, how I miss it

04/21/2012

Today we went to a birthday party out at a stable for a friend's kid. My kids and I were invited for the party and then the mother asked if I would want to make the cake. I told her I would be more than happy to make it. I asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted a cake with Happy Birthday written on it. I told her that wouldn't happen and that I would need to do something a lot better than that. So, I did. I made a cowboy cake that turned out really cool.

So, going out to the stables was something that made me remember my own personal happy place. The first breath I take out there and the smell took me back to my stables I was at everyday as a teenager. I loved riding and would be with my horses as much as my time would allow. I saw the wranglers out there riding their horses and it made me wish I was there to so I could ride. However, I was there to celebrate my friend's kids' birthdays and for my kids to get their own pony rides. Despite not being on a horse myself, I had a blast watching my kids ride and walking around with them, as well as hanging out with my friends. All in all, it was a great day, but again, it made me miss my happy place. It made me miss the one thing that would relieve stress and would help me out of any sadness I was in... Riding my horses. I remember when I was a kid and my parents were in the middle of their divorce, I would walk out to my backyard where my horse was, hug her, and just cry. She was what comforted me, as well as the other horses I had that came after her. They were my happy place, my comfort zone. I loved going out for a ride on the river, or even just working my horse in the arena would put me in my own little world where my only worries were if I would get bucked off or not, and even that was no big deal because I was young and thought I was invincible.

I am not able to have my horses right now, and in a way, I am glad I don't have my horses during this deployment. I am not sure how I would be able to manage my time and be able to take care of them along with everything else by myself. I am sad about not having my horses because I would have a happy place to go. A place where I can just forget about everything else but the trail I am on and the horse underneath my legs. Some day I know I will get another horse, at least I hope. Some day, when my kids are old enough to join me or be able to be left home for an hour or two, maybe I can get a horse and have the time to go out for a ride. Maybe some day.

For now, I am going to try and make it out for a ride sometime soon and try and get some real riding time in before he comes home. If not, I know Ian will be more than willing to keep the kids and force me out the door to go riding.

Day 302: Stupid distractions

04/20/2012

Today was a day that I realized I need to stop being such a scatter-brained person. I am way to forgetful and can't seem to keep a focus on things. It is really a bad habit I have and am constantly working on it. After work I agreed to go to a friend's house to pick up a cake and deliver it for her. While there, she offered to help me with my cake that I have due tomorrow by printing up a few pages of pictures on edible paper. While printing, the printer didn't want to work right, so the tinkering side of my brain took over and I started trying to fix it. After a while we decided to call support and tell them what was wrong and what I already did to try and fix it. Eventually they agreed to send a new one, though I told them that I thought it was the ink cartridge being faulty. Either way, they said they would send a whole new unit. Once I left out of her house and got back in by car, I realized I had left my phone in the car and had missed a call from my most supportive friend here locally. I told her I would watch her youngest kids tonight, but we never set a solid time. So, I called her back and told her I was on my way home now. She told me it was too late to go out with her oldest son and to forget about it for now. I felt horrible. I told her I lost track of time I forgot my phone but that I could meet her to get her kids. She told me there wasn't much time before the movie, but that if I thought I could make it there before the movie, then that would be good. So, I went as fast as I could (legally-ish) to meet up with her. I made it there on time and was able to take her kids with me back to my house.

I had a good night with the kids. We hung out and watched some kids movies and I made dinner. While all the kids were playing, I was able to bake the cake I have to make for my friend for tomorrow. When my friend came to pick up her kids, I couldn't help but apologize over and over for getting distracted. She was nice enough to forgive me and is just glad that she was able to take her son out. I told her that I was again so sorry, but glad I could help her out still and that I am working on my own little ADD problem. I hope she knows how bad I felt that I let her down and that I am trying so hard not to do that to anyone. I guess I just try and do too much and I really need to work on that.

This definitely is not associated with the deployment, it is just my way that I can be easily distracted, especially when there is something that needs to be fixed, and I know how to fix it. I just know that I need to get better and focusing on time and next time I know I need to set a for sure time (leaving me no wiggle room). Well, with each day we learn something new. I just hope I can continue to improve on myself and try and help my friends as best I can.

Day 301: Hit by my kids' emotion... again

04/19/2012

Today was another day in our usual weekly routine. The girls had piano lessons and Daniel and I sat in on them. It was fun watching the girls play and learn their songs. Emily had lessons a few years ago and had some real promising natural talent. This is a first for Natalie, but she is doing really well herself. They are brave enough that this is only their second lesson and they have decided to be a part of the recital planned for next month. I told them that is great but that they have to be committed enough to practice every day.

I made the comment that I can't believe they will have their first recital in a month and that I will have to film it for daddy. The girls looked at me questioningly and said, "Daddy won't be home by then?" I said no and that made them sad. They know we are getting closer to Ian coming home but it is not soon enough. The girls really did think that Ian might be home to see their recital and were sad that he won't be. I told them that if daddy can, we will Skype with him. If not, we will definitely video it and send it to him. That made them feel a little better, but they still are a little sad. I told them that as soon as daddy comes home, they can have their own recital for daddy... dresses and all. They were happy about that and are excited that they get to dress up and play their songs for daddy.

It never fails to hit me how much this deployment had affected them and how much it continues to bother them. I continue to run damage control on the kids to try and keep them going to finish out the deployment. I know I only have a few more months to go to get them through this, then it will be a new challenge of reintegration... that is a challenge I welcome.