How do you deal with those family members who aren't exactly supportive of you or your family? Not in their words, but in their actions, or lack there of, they show their lack of support. How do you deal with that? I am a very protective of my husband and my children. When I feel like someone in our family is not treating them as well as I think they should be treated, I get defensive. It is hard to explain without going into details, but it is something that has been bothering me since my husband left. Ian and I got into this discussion today and I let my outspoken-ness and frustration come out a little too much on the phone. I let my feelings about how people in our families were ignoring him, my kids, and/or me. For the most part, if they ignore me, I don't care. I can handle it. It is when they do not write my husband, respond to his emails, or make no attempt to talk to my children that I get upset and take offense.
I am a big girl and can handle myself, my kids, however, cannot. They don't see things the way I do. All they see is that family member A does not call or talk to them like they talk to family member B all the time. They wonder if family member A doesn't like them. Then I see my husband, seeing support from only his wife and a select few family members in the way of pre-deployment phone calls to wish him well, or during his deployment- letters, emails, or packages, anything that says to him, "I am proud of what you are doing, of the man that you are, and I love you." During the deployment the lack of support is a lot more noticeable than when he is home everyday with his wife and kids. But lately, I see him get a little more upset as the days go by that he doesn't hear from members of our families that he would like to hear from most, even after he initiated contact. For crying out loud, he is in a WAR ZONE! WRITE THE MAN A DANG EMAIL! I know I am speaking for my husband, and I really shouldn't, because he is a big boy and I could be misreading him when we talk, but it is the protective side of me coming out here.
Anyways, we got into a discussion about going to see some of these family members and, like I said, I didn't censor myself well. It bothers me that I am going to shell out over $1500 to take my whole family to go see someone for a week or so when they can't even be bothered to call and ask how the kids or I am doing. When they won't even write my husband or give him any indication that they are proud of the man he is and the job he is doing. Why would I want to subject my children to family members who don't seem to care about them enough to pick up a phone? Why go somewhere that I am not sure my children or I would be welcomed?
I know that family is family, but I learned growing up and even recently, that you focus and put energy into the relationships with those that actually care. You put energy into building the relationships with those that want to have that relationship. So, why not spend the money going to see other family members who like my kids, or, gasp, love my kids and my husband. Like I said, I am a big girl, treat me as you will, but you mistreat my children or my husband, and mama bear comes out and it is not pretty. You show me that you care about my husband and my kids, especially during this difficult time in their lives, and I will be more than willing to visit and put some energy and focus into the relationship and help foster it with my children, my husband, and myself. But, I will not allow family members to hurt my family repeatedly just because we are bound by blood or marriage.
This is probably not the most Christian way of thinking, and I am sure that God will hit me in the head soon enough. I have to say that I have tried, I just can't keep banging my head against a brick wall. I am not perfect, by any means, but communication and relationships are two way streets. If only one person is willing to try and put in effort, it will never work.
I know this will probably start a thing or two, but to be honest, if it offends you, pick up the phone and call me and we can talk about what offended you. I won't, however, apologize for this, because as I have said from the beginning, this is my blog. It is how I feel and what I am going through at this time. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and you will not always agree with me. But, you do not have to read it either.
Well, for better or worse, another day is done. Another day closer to seeing my husband again and being in his arms again. Man, that will be one sweet reunion.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day 54: Care Packages
Last night my husband called me on his way to do some PT (Physical Training) and start off his morning. I was surprised and was hoping he was actually going to blow off PT to talk to me since we didn't get much of a chance to talk that day. Well, he wasn't. He was just calling to tell me goodnight, tell me he loved me and to thank me for the latest package I sent him. He was expecting the package, but what he wasn't expecting was the season set of discs I put in there. He had a list of things to put in the package that he needed, and I knew my mom had sent him a lot of snacks, so I decided that I would add something unexpected in there to catch him by surprise. It wasn't anything big and didn't cost me anything extra because we already had the season set. He has not had a chance to watch the season yet, so I figured I would send it to him. He loved it.
I was happy to be able to send him something he didn't "need" but something he would enjoy. My mom and my friends get to send him packages of fun stuff that he likes. They get to send him snacks and magazines and books. My packages aren't as much fun because they are always filled with stuff he needs.... Like velcro straps, extension cords, power surge protectors, socks, etc. I try to throw in some gum or candy when I can, but for the most part, I don't really have the room. So, when I had the room in this box, I wanted to initially send him a movie that was recently released on DVD, but funds were tight and I didn't know what movie he would want to see, much less own. So, instead I put in the season set we already owned and sent that to him. I wasn't sure if he would like it, but the phone call just to say thank you for that gave me my answer.
So, I have been looking all over the internet to give me some care package ideas. A lot of them can get expensive and my husband has very little storage space, so I can't use a lot of them. I guess I will have to work on being a little more creative. The hard part is trying to surprise him. I can't ask him what movie he would want me to send, because then he would be looking for it. Or what games he wants, because he would be expecting it. Maybe I will just have to settle for sending him things I know he likes, but might not be able to surprise him. I guess that part really doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that my husband knows I am thinking of him and that I am doing everything I can to help his time downrange be just that much better. What are some of your care package ideas?
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband. He brought up how close we are getting to R&R and I started getting giddy. I just keep thinking that every day I tick of the calendar is another day closer to that R&R date we have!
I was happy to be able to send him something he didn't "need" but something he would enjoy. My mom and my friends get to send him packages of fun stuff that he likes. They get to send him snacks and magazines and books. My packages aren't as much fun because they are always filled with stuff he needs.... Like velcro straps, extension cords, power surge protectors, socks, etc. I try to throw in some gum or candy when I can, but for the most part, I don't really have the room. So, when I had the room in this box, I wanted to initially send him a movie that was recently released on DVD, but funds were tight and I didn't know what movie he would want to see, much less own. So, instead I put in the season set we already owned and sent that to him. I wasn't sure if he would like it, but the phone call just to say thank you for that gave me my answer.
So, I have been looking all over the internet to give me some care package ideas. A lot of them can get expensive and my husband has very little storage space, so I can't use a lot of them. I guess I will have to work on being a little more creative. The hard part is trying to surprise him. I can't ask him what movie he would want me to send, because then he would be looking for it. Or what games he wants, because he would be expecting it. Maybe I will just have to settle for sending him things I know he likes, but might not be able to surprise him. I guess that part really doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that my husband knows I am thinking of him and that I am doing everything I can to help his time downrange be just that much better. What are some of your care package ideas?
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband. He brought up how close we are getting to R&R and I started getting giddy. I just keep thinking that every day I tick of the calendar is another day closer to that R&R date we have!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day 53: Making of a miltary wife
Sunday's are the bane of my existence during this deployment. They are our family day and being short one is difficult. I know I have said this about every Sunday, but it is true. Sundays are hard because the truth of him being gone is glaringly obvious. I didn't get to talk to Ian much today, because I was volunteering at church so I had to be there early. Ian called just as I was on my way to church so I was able to get in about 10 minutes of conversation. The best part was, though, that he and I were able to chat for a few minutes via Yahoo Instant Messenger on my phone when I was in between services. Again, we didn't have long because I had to do stuff for the church, but it was still good. My husband also got to talk to my mom and step-dad. They are his biggest supporters, after me of course, and he got to chat with them and tell them how he is doing. I was a little jealous because I wanted to talk to him, but couldn't because I was busy. But mostly, I was happy that they got to talk to Ian and I know I cannot monopolize all his phone calls. :-) After church we went home and hung out for the day. I got a lot of laundry done to get the kids ready for school to start next week. Tomorrow, we get to try on clothes to see what fits! Fun times.
Obviously, this is not biblical, but I like the descriptions about a military wife. Hope you enjoy.
Obviously, this is not biblical, but I like the descriptions about a military wife. Hope you enjoy.
Making of a Military Wife
Author: Unknown
When the good Lord was creating Wives, he was into his sixth day of overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
And the Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, but must be sponsored to get on post; have the qualities of both father and mother during deployments; be a perfect hostess to 4 or 40; run on black coffee; handle emergencies without a manual; be able to handle flu, birthdays and moves around the world; have a kiss that can cure anything from a child's torn Valentine to a husband's weary day; have the patience of a saint when waiting for the Unit to return home; and have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her hand slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way!"
And the Lord answered, "Don't worry, we'll make other military wives to help. Besides it's not the hands that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride in her husband, sustain the ache of separations, beat on soundly when it's too tired to do so and be large enough to say, "I Understand" when she doesn't, and 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. "Rest... finish this tomorrow!"
"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who heals herself when she's sick, can feed three unexpected guests who are stuck in the area due to bad weather, and can wave good-bye to her husband, from a pier, off a runway and understand that it is important to his country that he leaves."
The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Can it think? It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" asked the angel.
"It's for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!"
"You are a genius," sighed the angel.
The Lord looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there."
An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
And the Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, but must be sponsored to get on post; have the qualities of both father and mother during deployments; be a perfect hostess to 4 or 40; run on black coffee; handle emergencies without a manual; be able to handle flu, birthdays and moves around the world; have a kiss that can cure anything from a child's torn Valentine to a husband's weary day; have the patience of a saint when waiting for the Unit to return home; and have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her hand slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way!"
And the Lord answered, "Don't worry, we'll make other military wives to help. Besides it's not the hands that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride in her husband, sustain the ache of separations, beat on soundly when it's too tired to do so and be large enough to say, "I Understand" when she doesn't, and 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. "Rest... finish this tomorrow!"
"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who heals herself when she's sick, can feed three unexpected guests who are stuck in the area due to bad weather, and can wave good-bye to her husband, from a pier, off a runway and understand that it is important to his country that he leaves."
The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Can it think? It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" asked the angel.
"It's for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!"
"You are a genius," sighed the angel.
The Lord looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Day 52: Dang it, my husband was right.
This morning, Ian and I got into a bit of a texting "argument," if you can really call it that, using his email address to my cell phone. Basically the gist of it is that Ian knew I was going to be sending the kids to daycare for 6 hours today. He thought I should get a pedicure. I disagreed with him because I did not want to spend the money on it. We are trying very hard to cut the budget and start paying stuff off while he is gone. So, then, not to my surprise, he did the selfless thing and told me that the money I have in the budget to send him a package this paycheck, to not use it on him but on me instead. I kept arguing with him that I did not like the idea that I would not be sending him a package this paycheck. He insisted that my mom has taken such good care of him and that the packages I have sent him contained all the other necessities, that he is not in need of anything. So, we kept arguing and finally he gave me an "order." He told me that I HAD to get a pedicure and that tonight I am to take something to help me sleep and get to bed EARLY. It took him about 4 tries of asking for a promise, but eventually, he won.
The other argument that I made with him about not getting the pedicure was that I really didn't NEED it. I haven't had one since 2 weeks before he left, but honestly, I would be lucky to get one every 3-4 months before anyways. He said that I do need one. He kept telling me that I needed to do something for myself and that a pedicure would help me relax and would make my legs and feet feel better. Of course, I am stubborn and told him it would not make a difference. It is with swallowed pride that I admit tonight, in writing, that my husband was correct. Spending the time today on just me, getting a little pampered and then just reading a book, completely recharged me. I initially planned to do some housework or grocery shopping while the kids were gone, but Ian insisted I do something for me. Then I thought about a movie, but the one I wanted to see showed to late in my free time for me to pick up the kids in time. So, I was back to thinking about coming home and cleaning. While having the house spotless would have been nice, I think the day to myself really rejuvenated me. Before picking up the girls, I stopped at the commissary (the grocery store for the civilians out there) and grabbed stuff to make a quick dinner for the kids. I found myself smiling for no reason, walking a little faster but looking up and not down, and I was more cheerful with the people in the store. It surprised me when I realized how I was acting that the break from the kids and the pampering for myself, as much as I love my kids, really did affect my mood.
I was eager to pick up the kids. I didn't feel as stressed or drained when I was trying to get them in and out of the car and when I was trying to get them to eat their dinner. So, yes, my husband was right. Taking a break every once in a while and doing something just for you really does recharge your batteries and helps you handle being a single mom so much better. From 7,000+ miles away, my husband is telling me what I need, telling me to take care of myself, and he is right... I think I have entered the Twilight Zone! :-) In all seriousness though, he was worried about me and the lack of sleep I am getting, so that is why he ordered the relaxation and early bedtime. I don't like that he is worried about me, because that is not ok. So, I guess the answer here is that if I don't want him to be worried about me, I need to start taking care of myself and not give him something to worry about.... Right. Easier said than done, but I guess that is one of my new tasks.
One day is done. A good day overall, but definitely would be better if my husband were home. It is ok though, because we are getting closer every day to being in each other's arms again.
The other argument that I made with him about not getting the pedicure was that I really didn't NEED it. I haven't had one since 2 weeks before he left, but honestly, I would be lucky to get one every 3-4 months before anyways. He said that I do need one. He kept telling me that I needed to do something for myself and that a pedicure would help me relax and would make my legs and feet feel better. Of course, I am stubborn and told him it would not make a difference. It is with swallowed pride that I admit tonight, in writing, that my husband was correct. Spending the time today on just me, getting a little pampered and then just reading a book, completely recharged me. I initially planned to do some housework or grocery shopping while the kids were gone, but Ian insisted I do something for me. Then I thought about a movie, but the one I wanted to see showed to late in my free time for me to pick up the kids in time. So, I was back to thinking about coming home and cleaning. While having the house spotless would have been nice, I think the day to myself really rejuvenated me. Before picking up the girls, I stopped at the commissary (the grocery store for the civilians out there) and grabbed stuff to make a quick dinner for the kids. I found myself smiling for no reason, walking a little faster but looking up and not down, and I was more cheerful with the people in the store. It surprised me when I realized how I was acting that the break from the kids and the pampering for myself, as much as I love my kids, really did affect my mood.
I was eager to pick up the kids. I didn't feel as stressed or drained when I was trying to get them in and out of the car and when I was trying to get them to eat their dinner. So, yes, my husband was right. Taking a break every once in a while and doing something just for you really does recharge your batteries and helps you handle being a single mom so much better. From 7,000+ miles away, my husband is telling me what I need, telling me to take care of myself, and he is right... I think I have entered the Twilight Zone! :-) In all seriousness though, he was worried about me and the lack of sleep I am getting, so that is why he ordered the relaxation and early bedtime. I don't like that he is worried about me, because that is not ok. So, I guess the answer here is that if I don't want him to be worried about me, I need to start taking care of myself and not give him something to worry about.... Right. Easier said than done, but I guess that is one of my new tasks.
One day is done. A good day overall, but definitely would be better if my husband were home. It is ok though, because we are getting closer every day to being in each other's arms again.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day 51: How does one kick themselves in the butt?
Today was ok. I got a few things accomplished today that I really needed to get done before the weekend. Then, I took the kids to the indoor bounce house to get some energy out. It was fun for them and mostly relaxing for me. I got to sit there and work on my cross-stitch and mess around on my computer. As I was sitting there watching the kids, Emily comes up and says that she just saw Natalie's kindergarten teacher. So, she went to find Natalie to tell her. Natalie was excited because she was able to tell her old teacher that she could now tie her shoes. Her teacher (though she only had her for 6 weeks or so) was pretty awesome with Natalie and is now going to teach Pre-K this year. I am kinda hoping she will get Daniel just because she is patient yet stern with the kids. She is nice but requires them to follow the rules and be respectful. We will know by Thursday who the kids' teachers are. It was actually a great thing running into her. Her husband deployed about 3 weeks before mine, so she gets it. The other great part is that I am trying to become a teacher and was able to talk to her about the certification program I am starting, as well as my application to be a substitute teacher while I am going through my classes. She was really helpful and encouraging. She made me more optimistic about the career path I am on, because she did about the same thing I am doing now. After that, we went to VBS for family night. Basically the kids danced and sang worship songs, we got to see a slide show of the week, and we were given information about chapel programs. It was nice.
Though today was not an insanely brutal day, lately, I have felt myself backsliding a bit. My emotions are just a big yo-yo. I am strong one day and the next I am back to feeling like I can't handle this and that this deployment might just do me in. Not the best place to be. Today was one of those days where I was super tired from very little sleep over the past 51 days and I was feeling lonely. Basically, I was having a pity party. As I was having that wonderful party-for-one, my daughter came up, not knowing how I was feeling or what I was thinking, and said, "I love you mommy. I am so glad you are here for me when I miss daddy." That brought me back to reality a bit. It made me snap out of it and think about who I am doing this for. I have to survive this and do well at surviving this for my kids. I have to be okay for my husband. He has to know that I am okay and that I am handling everything. And, for the most part, I am. I just have my days. My kids have such a way of bringing me out of whatever mood I am in and make me focus on the bigger picture.
See, this is going to sound a little pathetic, but I can handle myself feeling like crap and being sad. What I can't handle is when my kids or husband feel like that. That just kills me. Unfortunately, though, when I feel like crap or am overly sad, then the kids and/or my husband pick up on it and it makes them upset. It is a vicious cycle, I tell you! So, the only option I have is to kick myself in the butt and get in gear. The question is, how? Well, I can't say I am an expert and what will work for me may not work for you. I think once I get back to working out, having some time to get out some angry, frustrated energy, I will start to feel a little better. Once I get back to eating better, I think it will help take out some of my pity party. Since Ian left, my diet has gone to crap and I pretty much eat whatever I want. Luckily, I have not gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely feel guilty when I have eaten the crap food because I know better than that and I know that when I eat right, I feel better. So, that is what I will do. The first kick in the butt is to get myself back on a exercise schedule and back to eating better. Hopefully, it will keep the pity parties down to a minimum. Once I think of other things to do, I will surely let you know. Or, if you have any that work for you, by all means, leave a comment and share with the class. I am sure many of us can use some of that kind of advice.
Well, I made it through another day. Thank God for that. Thank God that Ian is a day closer to being home and is still doing well downrange. I just have to keep faith alive and keep praying for my husband and family. With God's help we will get through this.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day 50: Staying Strong
I have had it pretty easy for the past week. My husband has been able to Skype and call on a daily basis because my husband has been training. I have been "spoiled" to be able to talk to him as much as I have. I wish it would stay like this the whole deployment, but it won't. The frequent conversations with their dad seems to have helped the kids for the most part too. This morning we got to video call Ian again and the kids got to see and talk to him for a few minutes.
After the phone call, we got ready for the day, ran some errands and then spent the rest of the day together. I made an awesome dinner for the kids, we sat together and ate and talked. After dinner I took the kids to VBS. Daniel had another good day at VBS and behaved himself pretty well. When I picked up Natalie, however, she was crying. She did not have as good a time tonight. VBS was mostly good for her, but towards the end, she was putting on her shoes and the class left the room, not realizing she wasn't ready to go. It scared her and hurt her feelings that she was left behind. She caught up with them, but still, the breakdown started there. Then, her craft, a turtle she made for daddy, fell apart in the bag they put all the crafts in. So, then the tears kept coming. It was heart breaking. There literally was nothing I could do but hold her, tell her she was ok, and tell her that we would fix the turtle at home.
When we got home, she was still crying and it took me a while to get her to calm down and go to bed. Of course, in the middle of that, she started missing daddy even more. He is her favorite, I know that. My hugs just aren't the same as her daddy's hugs. I feel so inadequate at times like these. I know she misses him and that she wishes it was daddy holding her, not me. It shouldn't bother me, because I know she just misses Ian, but it is hard because all she wants is daddy, and I can't give that to her. Not even her daddy doll helped tonight. I just wanted to cry too, but for reasons other than someone breaking my craft. I wanted to cry because I felt so useless and because I miss Ian too.
Oh, how hard it is to try and be strong when you see your baby girl crying, especially when you know it is justified and you would love to join her. Instead I have to be strong for her. Tell her that I understand how she feels and tell her that I miss daddy too, but avoid crying. It makes it worse for them when I cry. I have to try and keep it together for them. I don't mind, really. It is getting easier to do, but still hard at times like this. Even before Natalie's little breakdown tonight, I have been missing my husband more and more. It isn't stopping me from functioning like it used to. It is just the normal thoughts I usually have of him throughout a normal day, now have had a tinge of sadness to them because I am missing him. I am not sure why it hits worse on some days than others, but, it does. Despite that today was one of those days where missing Ian was center stage in my head, I still was able to be strong for my daughter.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
After the phone call, we got ready for the day, ran some errands and then spent the rest of the day together. I made an awesome dinner for the kids, we sat together and ate and talked. After dinner I took the kids to VBS. Daniel had another good day at VBS and behaved himself pretty well. When I picked up Natalie, however, she was crying. She did not have as good a time tonight. VBS was mostly good for her, but towards the end, she was putting on her shoes and the class left the room, not realizing she wasn't ready to go. It scared her and hurt her feelings that she was left behind. She caught up with them, but still, the breakdown started there. Then, her craft, a turtle she made for daddy, fell apart in the bag they put all the crafts in. So, then the tears kept coming. It was heart breaking. There literally was nothing I could do but hold her, tell her she was ok, and tell her that we would fix the turtle at home.
When we got home, she was still crying and it took me a while to get her to calm down and go to bed. Of course, in the middle of that, she started missing daddy even more. He is her favorite, I know that. My hugs just aren't the same as her daddy's hugs. I feel so inadequate at times like these. I know she misses him and that she wishes it was daddy holding her, not me. It shouldn't bother me, because I know she just misses Ian, but it is hard because all she wants is daddy, and I can't give that to her. Not even her daddy doll helped tonight. I just wanted to cry too, but for reasons other than someone breaking my craft. I wanted to cry because I felt so useless and because I miss Ian too.
Oh, how hard it is to try and be strong when you see your baby girl crying, especially when you know it is justified and you would love to join her. Instead I have to be strong for her. Tell her that I understand how she feels and tell her that I miss daddy too, but avoid crying. It makes it worse for them when I cry. I have to try and keep it together for them. I don't mind, really. It is getting easier to do, but still hard at times like this. Even before Natalie's little breakdown tonight, I have been missing my husband more and more. It isn't stopping me from functioning like it used to. It is just the normal thoughts I usually have of him throughout a normal day, now have had a tinge of sadness to them because I am missing him. I am not sure why it hits worse on some days than others, but, it does. Despite that today was one of those days where missing Ian was center stage in my head, I still was able to be strong for my daughter.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Day 49: I am ok
Today I had another good day. I know, amazing right? I got up early this morning to Skype my husband and was able to talk for about 30 min. It was nice because I was able to thank him to his face for the flowers he sent me. I was able to tell him how awesome he was and how much I loved the flowers. I was also able to tell him how much they meant to me. He just smiled and told me I was welcome and that he was glad they made my day. He knows he earned some serious points. :-) He had also seen my posts on Facebook, bragging on him, and showing everyone the flowers and note he sent. So, he already had an idea of how much I loved the flowers.
Then, the kids and I got up, hung out, and then went to a friend's house. We hung out there most of the day and it was nice to get out of the house and have some adult conversation. After leaving there, I took the kids to VBS and did the most boring thing I could have done with the 2 hours I had to myself, I cleaned the kitchen. I know, lame right? But, hey, it needed to be done and at that moment I didn't have kids messing with me or making more dishes dirty as I was cleaning them. When I picked up the kids, I found out that Daniel was "AWESOME" today for his crew leaders at VBS. I was so excited that he behaved. He was excited to tell me and so was his teacher. It was a good day. So, as a treat, we came home and I let them stay up an extra half hour and let Daniel pick out a show for us to watch together. Just as I was getting ready to send them to bed, my parents asked if the kids were still up so they could get their "fix" and see them on Skype. So, the kids were happy because they were going to see them and because it allowed them to stay up a little longer. It was a good to talk to my parents and the kids had a blast. So, now, the kids are in bed, and I have my mom time.
I know I posted a few days ago about how I am getting stronger and I can feel myself getting stronger. Well, that is still true. I still miss him and still have my days. For the most part, though, I can answer the dreaded question honestly. When someone asks me how I am doing.... I can honestly say, "I am ok." That is a huge accomplishment for me. Because at first, when I was asked that question, I would just give them the look. Not a mean look, or my copyrighted mom look, but the look that said, "I am still too sad to answer that question without crying." And people would get that. They would just say, "Oh. Sorry. It will get better." and move on to lighter subjects. The acquaintances didn't want to really push it and ask me to talk it out with them, because it was awkward. Friends and family knew better. They were ok with the tears and understood that even though it was hard for them to hear, it was even harder for me to live through and I needed to talk about it. After a few weeks, when I was asked that question, I was finally strong enough to tell a bold-faced lie without people really noticing. I would tell them that I was ok and they would let it drop. Again, my family and close friends knew better and called me out on it. Well, now, I can look people in the eye and tell them that I am doing ok. I can tell them that things are getting better everyday or that today was a good or bad day without breaking down. I can tell them the truth, because most of the time, I am ok. I tell them that we are all doing a little better. We still miss Ian like crazy, but are dealing with it. Funny thing is, that now, people are talking more about it. I don't know if they now realize it is safe to talk to me about the deployment, or if they are not as uncomfortable with my strength as they were with my "weakness." Who knows. All I know is that I can honestly say, "I am ok."
I made it through another day with the good Lord's help. And with God's help, I am just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
Then, the kids and I got up, hung out, and then went to a friend's house. We hung out there most of the day and it was nice to get out of the house and have some adult conversation. After leaving there, I took the kids to VBS and did the most boring thing I could have done with the 2 hours I had to myself, I cleaned the kitchen. I know, lame right? But, hey, it needed to be done and at that moment I didn't have kids messing with me or making more dishes dirty as I was cleaning them. When I picked up the kids, I found out that Daniel was "AWESOME" today for his crew leaders at VBS. I was so excited that he behaved. He was excited to tell me and so was his teacher. It was a good day. So, as a treat, we came home and I let them stay up an extra half hour and let Daniel pick out a show for us to watch together. Just as I was getting ready to send them to bed, my parents asked if the kids were still up so they could get their "fix" and see them on Skype. So, the kids were happy because they were going to see them and because it allowed them to stay up a little longer. It was a good to talk to my parents and the kids had a blast. So, now, the kids are in bed, and I have my mom time.
I know I posted a few days ago about how I am getting stronger and I can feel myself getting stronger. Well, that is still true. I still miss him and still have my days. For the most part, though, I can answer the dreaded question honestly. When someone asks me how I am doing.... I can honestly say, "I am ok." That is a huge accomplishment for me. Because at first, when I was asked that question, I would just give them the look. Not a mean look, or my copyrighted mom look, but the look that said, "I am still too sad to answer that question without crying." And people would get that. They would just say, "Oh. Sorry. It will get better." and move on to lighter subjects. The acquaintances didn't want to really push it and ask me to talk it out with them, because it was awkward. Friends and family knew better. They were ok with the tears and understood that even though it was hard for them to hear, it was even harder for me to live through and I needed to talk about it. After a few weeks, when I was asked that question, I was finally strong enough to tell a bold-faced lie without people really noticing. I would tell them that I was ok and they would let it drop. Again, my family and close friends knew better and called me out on it. Well, now, I can look people in the eye and tell them that I am doing ok. I can tell them that things are getting better everyday or that today was a good or bad day without breaking down. I can tell them the truth, because most of the time, I am ok. I tell them that we are all doing a little better. We still miss Ian like crazy, but are dealing with it. Funny thing is, that now, people are talking more about it. I don't know if they now realize it is safe to talk to me about the deployment, or if they are not as uncomfortable with my strength as they were with my "weakness." Who knows. All I know is that I can honestly say, "I am ok."
I made it through another day with the good Lord's help. And with God's help, I am just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
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