Day 51: How does one kick themselves in the butt?

Today was ok. I got a few things accomplished today that I really needed to get done before the weekend. Then, I took the kids to the indoor bounce house to get some energy out. It was fun for them and mostly relaxing for me. I got to sit there and work on my cross-stitch and mess around on my computer. As I was sitting there watching the kids, Emily comes up and says that she just saw Natalie's kindergarten teacher. So, she went to find Natalie to tell her. Natalie was excited because she was able to tell her old teacher that she could now tie her shoes. Her teacher (though she only had her for 6 weeks or so) was pretty awesome with Natalie and is now going to teach Pre-K this year. I am kinda hoping she will get Daniel just because she is patient yet stern with the kids. She is nice but requires them to follow the rules and be respectful. We will know by Thursday who the kids' teachers are. It was actually a great thing running into her. Her husband deployed about 3 weeks before mine, so she gets it. The other great part is that I am trying to become a teacher and was able to talk to her about the certification program I am starting, as well as my application to be a substitute teacher while I am going through my classes. She was really helpful and encouraging. She made me more optimistic about the career path I am on, because she did about the same thing I am doing now. After that, we went to VBS for family night. Basically the kids danced and sang worship songs, we got to see a slide show of the week, and we were given information about chapel programs. It was nice.

Though today was not an insanely brutal day, lately, I have felt myself backsliding a bit. My emotions are just a big yo-yo. I am strong one day and the next I am back to feeling like I can't handle this and that this deployment might just do me in. Not the best place to be. Today was one of those days where I was super tired from very little sleep over the past 51 days and I was feeling lonely. Basically, I was having a pity party. As I was having that wonderful party-for-one, my daughter came up, not knowing how I was feeling or what I was thinking, and said, "I love you mommy. I am so glad you are here for me when I miss daddy." That brought me back to reality a bit. It made me snap out of it and think about who I am doing this for. I have to survive this and do well at surviving this for my kids. I have to be okay for my husband. He has to know that I am okay and that I am handling everything. And, for the most part, I am. I just have my days. My kids have such a way of bringing me out of whatever mood I am in and make me focus on the bigger picture. 

See, this is going to sound a little pathetic, but I can handle myself feeling like crap and being sad. What I can't handle is when my kids or husband feel like that. That just kills me. Unfortunately, though, when I feel like crap or am overly sad, then the kids and/or my husband pick up on it and it makes them upset. It is a vicious cycle, I tell you! So, the only option I have is to kick myself in the butt and get in gear. The question is, how? Well, I can't say I am an expert and what will work for me may not work for you. I think once I get back to working out, having some time to get out some angry, frustrated energy, I will start to feel a little better. Once I get back to eating better, I think it will help take out some of my pity party. Since Ian left, my diet has gone to crap and I pretty much eat whatever I want. Luckily, I have not gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely feel guilty when I have eaten the crap food because I know better than that and I know that when I eat right, I feel better. So, that is what I will do. The first kick in the butt is to get myself back on a exercise schedule and back to eating better. Hopefully, it will keep the pity parties down to a minimum. Once I think of other things to do, I will surely let you know. Or, if you have any that work for you, by all means, leave a comment and share with the class. I am sure many of us can use some of that kind of advice.

Well, I made it through another day. Thank God for that. Thank God that Ian is a day closer to being home and is still doing well downrange. I just have to keep faith alive and keep praying for my husband and family. With God's help we will get through this.