My middle child, (the youngest girl) Natalie, is such a daddy's girl it isn't even funny. She would gladly choose Ian over me any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I don't say that like it is a bad thing, it is just the truth.
She has been hit hard by this deployment because her daddy is gone. She tries to hog the computer away from the other two kids when Ian is online to Skype with us. For the most part she has been doing okay, but has become more attached to me, naturally. She wants to be around me all the time. She is the one that is still crying all the time over Ian not being here. She is the one that walks up to me sits on my lap and tells me she misses daddy. She wears her heart on her sleeve and right now that little heart is hurting.
Lately, I have been working at her school as a sub. Natalie has liked it because I was subbing right next door to her classroom and she saw me all the time in the halls and playground. Today, I subbed for a 2nd grade class and she didn't get to see me as much. When she did see me, she didn't want to detach herself from my side. I literally had to make her go with her class and not with me. After school, she wanted to stay with me while I finished paperwork instead of going home with her brother, sister, and grandpa. She was crying and everything. In the end, she went with grandpa and played at the park while I went back to my classroom. When I got home I talked to her about the fact that she needs to almost act like I am not at school. My being there cannot disrupt her. She started crying and told me she misses daddy and likes being around me at school. With my being in class at night, she said she feels like she lost me too and her time at school is her time with me. Talk about a punch in the gut. All I could do was tell her I love her, and that I know she misses daddy, but that he misses her too and will be home soon. I told her that soon, my classes will be over and I will be home at night every night again, like I have been since we got here. That seemed to lift her spirits, but still was heartbreaking to realize how much this little 3 week course is affecting her.
I know that what I am doing is difficult for the kids and for me. I also know that it is something I need to do and is short term. For now, I am doing everything I can to make sure the kids know I am here for them. Once this is over, I am going to take each child on a mommy and me date. Give them a chance to spend some time with me before daddy comes home for R&R and do it again after he has to head back. I hope it gives them a chance to feel special and to talk to me about whatever they need to. Apparently, Natalie will be my first date.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. Anticipation is growing by the hour.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 113: I am making it
Today was one of those busy days but not so much that I felt like I was losing it. I am still insanely tired and have a lot to do, but I am getting it done. It is a good feeling to know that I am close to being done with my class and to getting my provisional certification.
I am crying less and less. Not because I miss him less, but because I am coping with it better than I used to. It has been a while since I had one of those really bad days where I wanted to curl into a ball and let the world pass me by. I can look at my husband's picture and not just see the separation, but see the reunion that will happen and the life we will have together at the end of this deployment. I can talk to my kids about their daddy being gone and how they feel about it without having to keep myself from breaking down too. I am stronger than I was at the start of this deployment.
I know I am going to have these kinds of days off and on, but the promising part is that they are happening less frequently. I am making it... one day at a time.
I am doing better. I am making it. I feel like my husband is going to be able to
I am crying less and less. Not because I miss him less, but because I am coping with it better than I used to. It has been a while since I had one of those really bad days where I wanted to curl into a ball and let the world pass me by. I can look at my husband's picture and not just see the separation, but see the reunion that will happen and the life we will have together at the end of this deployment. I can talk to my kids about their daddy being gone and how they feel about it without having to keep myself from breaking down too. I am stronger than I was at the start of this deployment.
I know I am going to have these kinds of days off and on, but the promising part is that they are happening less frequently. I am making it... one day at a time.
I am doing better. I am making it. I feel like my husband is going to be able to
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day 112: I am happy
I can't really explain accurately how I am feeling. I am feeling a range of emotions and they are hard to explain because they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I am missing Ian like crazy. R&R is so close and yet not close enough. I am also exhausted and stressed with classes. The opposite end of that spectrum is that I am, for the most part, happy. I know, not what you expected to hear from me in the middle of my husband's deployment, but, I am. I am happy with my life.
Sure, I wish Ian were home and that he was here to hold me. The thing is that today, I was telling a friend a story about Ian in basic training. What she heard Ian say in the story was something that I never focused on or thought twice about, because it is just a normal Ian thing. Basically, when he and the other soldiers in training with him were told they had to ship out right away, a few soldiers freaked out, a few were okay with it, and Ian told me that he was mostly upset that he would not be allowed to tell me goodbye. It turned out to be just a "test" to see the soldier's reactions, but I never thought about what his reaction meant until my friend pointed that out tonight. She was so shocked that his first thought was of his wife and child. She said that was a sign of a devoted husband.
After hearing many of my stories over the past few weeks (we spend about 1 1/2 hours in the car a day going to and from school), she was telling me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. I told her that I know how lucky I am and that I love that man so much and am so blessed that I can call him mine. It was when we were talking about it that I realized: I am happy. Sure, it is stressful right now, but I am happy in my life and in my marriage. I am not allowing any outside influences to affect me right now, because I know that my life makes me happy. That is really all that matters. Circumstances right now may not be the best, but that is just temporary. I have learned that I need to look at the life I have with my husband, before, during, and after deployment to allow me to see all of the good there.
The reason I bring this up is because I was so focused on the negative of the deployment making life difficult, that I really stopped seeing that I am happy with my life and that this is just temporary. It really has turned my attitude around and made me grateful for the permanent love in my life, and not focus on the temporary separation.
Another day is done and I am getting closer to seeing him again! R&R, I am waiting for you!
Sure, I wish Ian were home and that he was here to hold me. The thing is that today, I was telling a friend a story about Ian in basic training. What she heard Ian say in the story was something that I never focused on or thought twice about, because it is just a normal Ian thing. Basically, when he and the other soldiers in training with him were told they had to ship out right away, a few soldiers freaked out, a few were okay with it, and Ian told me that he was mostly upset that he would not be allowed to tell me goodbye. It turned out to be just a "test" to see the soldier's reactions, but I never thought about what his reaction meant until my friend pointed that out tonight. She was so shocked that his first thought was of his wife and child. She said that was a sign of a devoted husband.
After hearing many of my stories over the past few weeks (we spend about 1 1/2 hours in the car a day going to and from school), she was telling me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. I told her that I know how lucky I am and that I love that man so much and am so blessed that I can call him mine. It was when we were talking about it that I realized: I am happy. Sure, it is stressful right now, but I am happy in my life and in my marriage. I am not allowing any outside influences to affect me right now, because I know that my life makes me happy. That is really all that matters. Circumstances right now may not be the best, but that is just temporary. I have learned that I need to look at the life I have with my husband, before, during, and after deployment to allow me to see all of the good there.
The reason I bring this up is because I was so focused on the negative of the deployment making life difficult, that I really stopped seeing that I am happy with my life and that this is just temporary. It really has turned my attitude around and made me grateful for the permanent love in my life, and not focus on the temporary separation.
Another day is done and I am getting closer to seeing him again! R&R, I am waiting for you!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 111: Encouragement
You have heard me talk (or on some days complain) about my hectic schedule with work, the kids, and my class I am taking right now. I have written about what my days are like and how little sleep I get. Deep inside, I know it means something and I know there is a reason that I am doing what I am doing. On days like today, however, I am so exhausted and frustrated that I lose sight of why I am putting myself through all of this. It is these kind of days that I get random texts, calls, or emails from my family, friends, and husband. They always try to encourage me.
Today, for example, my best friend, who is a very busy person herself, sent me a text out of nowhere and told me how proud she was of me and how she knew I could do this and do it well. She told me that what I am doing is important and that it will be done before I know it. It was unexpected and yet just what I needed at that time. My parents and various other friends have given me many words of encouragement like this, too. My husband tells me all the time that he is proud of what I am doing and that he supports me, even from halfway across the world. Deep down, I know I am a pretty strong woman, but I also know that without God and the support from my friends (some of which I have never "met" face to face), my family, and especially my husband, I would not be strong enough for this. Their encouragement helps push me through this, through not only this class, but also through this deployment.
Another day is done! I am getting closer to R&R and when that day is finally here, this woman is going to be the happiest woman in the world!
Today, for example, my best friend, who is a very busy person herself, sent me a text out of nowhere and told me how proud she was of me and how she knew I could do this and do it well. She told me that what I am doing is important and that it will be done before I know it. It was unexpected and yet just what I needed at that time. My parents and various other friends have given me many words of encouragement like this, too. My husband tells me all the time that he is proud of what I am doing and that he supports me, even from halfway across the world. Deep down, I know I am a pretty strong woman, but I also know that without God and the support from my friends (some of which I have never "met" face to face), my family, and especially my husband, I would not be strong enough for this. Their encouragement helps push me through this, through not only this class, but also through this deployment.
Another day is done! I am getting closer to R&R and when that day is finally here, this woman is going to be the happiest woman in the world!
Day 110: Days are flying by
There really is some truth to be told that the busier you are, the faster time seems to go. I can honestly attest to that right now. I am so busy that I can't figure out which way is up. Not that it is a good thing to be this busy, but there is one upside, it is now day 110 and last I really remember was when I was excited about reaching triple digits, or when I hit the official 3 month mark. That is another reason that I have this blog, while it does help me pass the time and put everything into words, it also allows me to look back on the days of this deployment, for better or worse, I can look back and see the days I have had.
Today was a rough day at work, then I went to class and was so tired I couldn't concentrate. I came home and headed straight for my room to get to bed. While my day was not easy, it seemed like it started early this morning, then blurred, and now is over. So, even better for me, this blurred day is now done and I am getting closer to seeing my amazing husband again.
Today was a rough day at work, then I went to class and was so tired I couldn't concentrate. I came home and headed straight for my room to get to bed. While my day was not easy, it seemed like it started early this morning, then blurred, and now is over. So, even better for me, this blurred day is now done and I am getting closer to seeing my amazing husband again.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Day 109: Don't care who likes it or doesn't like it
Basically my post yesterday was about people who try to tear down military wives for how we feel. I decided today that I really don't care what people think about me when I say things about my husband's deployment. I am proud to say that I miss my husband so much it hurts and that I love him more and more everyday despite the separation. I am proud to say that I have an amazing husband who serves his country and who loves and supports me just as much as I do him. I am proud to have an awesome soldier-husband to miss and who is worth missing.
Today I am missing him a lot. Today, I am not at my best because I am extremely tired and busy, and the fact that I miss him makes it even worse. I am not ashamed to say it. I MISS MY HUSBAND!!!!!! I know I just have to hold on a little longer and he will be here to visit. Until then, I will just keep missing him, and that is okay because I know that missing him means that I love him and want him home with me as soon as his job over there is done.
Another day done, another day closer to R&R. :-D
Today I am missing him a lot. Today, I am not at my best because I am extremely tired and busy, and the fact that I miss him makes it even worse. I am not ashamed to say it. I MISS MY HUSBAND!!!!!! I know I just have to hold on a little longer and he will be here to visit. Until then, I will just keep missing him, and that is okay because I know that missing him means that I love him and want him home with me as soon as his job over there is done.
Another day done, another day closer to R&R. :-D
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Day 108: What did you sign up for?
Today has been a pretty good day. I made an awesome cake for a friend's son, went to the birthday party for the kid I made the cake for, had a good time talking to friends, and left my kids to go to sleepovers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am kidless at the moment. It is beautiful. I fully intend on sleeping in until 8:30 and taking a nice long shower without worrying what the kids are doing in my absence. It should be more peaceful in the morning.... at least I hope.
Why is it that a military wife who says she misses her husband and is sad because of her husband's deployment often gets told that she knew what she signed up for? Why are we not allowed to miss our husbands? Should it hurt any less just because we knew what we were getting into? I have heard many Army wives, as well as myself, get told this when we tell people how we feel. Sure, we knew. We knew we would be single parents off and on. We knew that deployments were part of the job description. We knew that we would have sleepless nights because of our husband being in danger. We knew that and accepted it anyway. Why? Because we love our husbands, are proud of them, and support them in everything they do. We are proud they serve and we serve silently behind them. But, just because we knew that, does it make the pain of separation and the feeling of loneliness any better? No, the pain is the same.
People who say that we knew what we signed up for have never had to have the love of their life in danger for a whole year. They have never had to worry about if the center of their family, the father of their children, was ever going to come home again. Those people can't possibly have ever known the kind of love and passion a woman must have for her husband to stand behind him as he chose to serve his country and ask her to wait for him. If they did, they would not ask. They would understand and would allow us to have our feelings. We don't say things like, "Deployments Suck" or "I miss my husband" because we are shocked that we are in the position we are in. We say those things because we truly do miss him. We support him and know why he has to go, but it doesn't mean we like him being gone. And we do this because those people who say that we knew what we were getting into are not willing to stand with our husbands to defend this country, so we have to.
Another day has finished. R&R is inching closer. I am missing him, but I know he will be in my arms soon.
Why is it that a military wife who says she misses her husband and is sad because of her husband's deployment often gets told that she knew what she signed up for? Why are we not allowed to miss our husbands? Should it hurt any less just because we knew what we were getting into? I have heard many Army wives, as well as myself, get told this when we tell people how we feel. Sure, we knew. We knew we would be single parents off and on. We knew that deployments were part of the job description. We knew that we would have sleepless nights because of our husband being in danger. We knew that and accepted it anyway. Why? Because we love our husbands, are proud of them, and support them in everything they do. We are proud they serve and we serve silently behind them. But, just because we knew that, does it make the pain of separation and the feeling of loneliness any better? No, the pain is the same.
People who say that we knew what we signed up for have never had to have the love of their life in danger for a whole year. They have never had to worry about if the center of their family, the father of their children, was ever going to come home again. Those people can't possibly have ever known the kind of love and passion a woman must have for her husband to stand behind him as he chose to serve his country and ask her to wait for him. If they did, they would not ask. They would understand and would allow us to have our feelings. We don't say things like, "Deployments Suck" or "I miss my husband" because we are shocked that we are in the position we are in. We say those things because we truly do miss him. We support him and know why he has to go, but it doesn't mean we like him being gone. And we do this because those people who say that we knew what we were getting into are not willing to stand with our husbands to defend this country, so we have to.
Another day has finished. R&R is inching closer. I am missing him, but I know he will be in my arms soon.
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