I can't really explain accurately how I am feeling. I am feeling a range of emotions and they are hard to explain because they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I am missing Ian like crazy. R&R is so close and yet not close enough. I am also exhausted and stressed with classes. The opposite end of that spectrum is that I am, for the most part, happy. I know, not what you expected to hear from me in the middle of my husband's deployment, but, I am. I am happy with my life.
Sure, I wish Ian were home and that he was here to hold me. The thing is that today, I was telling a friend a story about Ian in basic training. What she heard Ian say in the story was something that I never focused on or thought twice about, because it is just a normal Ian thing. Basically, when he and the other soldiers in training with him were told they had to ship out right away, a few soldiers freaked out, a few were okay with it, and Ian told me that he was mostly upset that he would not be allowed to tell me goodbye. It turned out to be just a "test" to see the soldier's reactions, but I never thought about what his reaction meant until my friend pointed that out tonight. She was so shocked that his first thought was of his wife and child. She said that was a sign of a devoted husband.
After hearing many of my stories over the past few weeks (we spend about 1 1/2 hours in the car a day going to and from school), she was telling me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. I told her that I know how lucky I am and that I love that man so much and am so blessed that I can call him mine. It was when we were talking about it that I realized: I am happy. Sure, it is stressful right now, but I am happy in my life and in my marriage. I am not allowing any outside influences to affect me right now, because I know that my life makes me happy. That is really all that matters. Circumstances right now may not be the best, but that is just temporary. I have learned that I need to look at the life I have with my husband, before, during, and after deployment to allow me to see all of the good there.
The reason I bring this up is because I was so focused on the negative of the deployment making life difficult, that I really stopped seeing that I am happy with my life and that this is just temporary. It really has turned my attitude around and made me grateful for the permanent love in my life, and not focus on the temporary separation.
Another day is done and I am getting closer to seeing him again! R&R, I am waiting for you!
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