Today was a good day mostly. Ian and I went to have lunch with our oldest at her school. It would have been just him, but he didn't quite want to drive yet and I think he wanted me there with him anyways. Emily loved it and couldn't stop bubbling about the fact that Ian was coming to lunch with her today. Apparently, it was all she talked about at school all morning. After lunch, we ran a few errands and had lunch together. All in all, a good day.
Tonight, on the other hand, was a little rough for me. I can't explain it, not even to myself really. I had a breakdown. I was so upset tonight and couldn't control it. I wasn't mad at Ian and it wasn't directed at him. It was all me. It is so hard to explain, but I guess it was more of feeling guilty for letting Ian do "my job." In my mind, he shouldn't be the one getting up with the kids in the morning. He shouldn't be helping me clean the kitchen. He shouldn't have to deal with the kids' fits or fights. That is all my job. It has been my job for the past 4 months and as much as I want to let him help me again, I also know that in 2 weeks, it starts all over again for me. I will have to resume being mom and dad.
I just couldn't fight all of these feelings, even at a time when I know that my husband is home and I should be happy... I was crying uncontrollably. Ian kept asking and asking, and I really didn't want to tell him what was wrong. As I have written before, that is just not the way we are, so I eventually told him. He understood and told me not to feel guilty because dad (he) is home and I don't have to be dad for a while. He told me that I can let go of that for now and let him resume that role. I told him how hard that was for me, and all he did was hold me and reassure me that it is all okay and that he was happy being back in the middle of things. I just kept trying to explain it in that I felt like I wasn't making R&R restful enough for him. He told me that just being dad again, no matter what work was involved there, was relaxing enough for him. It wasn't like I was making him do the dishes or clean the house, he was wanting to help, so he felt there was no need to my guilt. The last thing he told me, which really helped me out, was that R&R for him is not a vacation from life or everyday things, it is a break from the stresses of war. For him it isn't about sitting around doing nothing for 2 weeks or being on a constant vacation, it is about spending time with his family and being dad again, even if it is only for 2 weeks. The purpose of R&R is a break from the war, not from life... My husband, such an amazing man. I could not ask for more.
These feelings were so unexpected. I thought that throughout R&R, we would be nothing but blissfully happy and I would feel complete again, the Army's version of a honeymoon phase. I am feeling those ways mostly, but was not expecting the emotions of tonight. I hope that after getting them all out, it will be done for the time and we can spend the rest of the honeymoon period blissfully happy.... well, here's to hoping.
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