Day 225: Shouldn't it be easier by now?

02/01/2012

I am finding it harder, not easier, to keep doing the little things now that I was doing at the start of the deployment. Everything in general feels like it is getting harder and not easier to deal with. Maybe the length of time is wearing me down instead of making me stronger. I don't know. I just know that I have felt immensely guilty for not keeping up with my emails to my husband every night and slacking a bit on my blog. I just get so tired and run down, that I start to write something, and decide to give up on it for that time and take myself to bed. I have a few unfinished emails, and this posting was a victim of this nasty habit I have gotten in. I just picked it back up after stopping it. It is just becoming harder and harder to continue what I set out to do from the start of this deployment.

Some things haven't changed, like my stubbornness to make sure that I get through this deployment well. I am stubborn enough that that particular goal won't change... at least I hope. My devotion to my husband and the pride I feel in him has not changed either, even if the frequency in packages and emails has. I still talk to him as often as he is available and do whatever I can for him. It is just getting harder to make it to the store and the post office to send him a package.

I don't understand it. Most people say that over time you get stronger. You will become adept at your routine and be able to deal with it all so much better than at the start. That you will accustom yourself to your temporary reality without your husband and be able to run your life and house without many issues. I feel almost weaker. I feel like I am letting myself and my husband down. Not the best feeling to have. I know that in a way it isn't true, because I am still doing a lot, I am still here, and I still love my husband more than any man on this earth. On the other hand though, it is just a little bit unnerving to feel like things are getting harder because it makes you wonder "What the hell have I been doing this whole time? Wasn't I supposed to be making it easier on myself? What gives?"

I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I do know that no matter what, I am moving through it one day at a time. Each day I can mark off my calendar, good or bad, is another day that I am closer to holding the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my husband, in my arms again. I have said it a hundred times, and I will keep saying it..... what a great day that will be and I cannot wait for it.