12/2/2011
I can't explain it, I am just down. There is no real reason, other than the obvious, for me to feel this way, but I do. It is getting hard for me to get back into the routine of keeping the house clean and keeping the kids on schedule. It seems like the transition has been harder after R&R than it was when he first left. That might be just because it is happening now and it feels more powerful because of that, I don't know. I just know that this has been rough. The holidays are right around the corner and I am sure that is a source of my blues, but again, not completely to blame. I can say that I really am not looking forward to the holidays this year and I feel completely unprepared this year. It is harder because I know that Ian will not be here, my mom will not be making her yearly Christmas visit (something the kids have already asked about), and I will not really have any friends in the area to share Christmas dinner with. So, I have to force it. I hate forcing it. I have to force it for my kids and make it look all bright and cheery. I will have to get up in the morning with them and video tape everything for Ian and then make Christmas dinner for just the four of us. I can do it, I just am not looking forward to it. I will keep in mind the true reason for Christmas and know that I celebrate it because of Christ's birth and that will help me get through it. I will just miss having my family together for this awesome holiday.
I know I am whining a bit and I apologize, basically though, I didn't know why I was feeling the way I am until I started writing it all out. So, it is a bit jumbled, but it is honest.
One day at a time. That is the best I can do. One day at a time, one holiday at a time. I can do this, I can make it through until I see him again.
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