Day 80: It is okay to not always be okay

I am EXHAUSTED! I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and hit the ground running this morning. I delivered my cake and then went to an expo where mostly military wives in the area showed their small businesses and we got to see what is available in the area. It was fun because I went with an awesome friend of mine, along with our combined 6 kids. Truth be told, it was a little crazy, so we are gonna have to come up with a better way of keeping the kids together if we are going to do stuff like that more often.

After the expo, we went and had lunch at McDonald's and the kids got to play. We then went to a birthday party for my friend Carmon's kid. It was fun for the kids and we adults just hung out and talked. After the party, I came home and haven't really done much. I am so tired and my feet and legs hurt so much that it is truly painful to walk right now. So, I have been relaxing with the kids and did a quick grilled cheese sandwich dinner.

I have this really awesome support site on Facebook for military wives, fiances, or girlfriends that I am a part of and one of the posts late yesterday really spoke to me. The post said, "Sometimes it's okay to not be okay, you don't always have to put on a smile on the outside. It's hard, no one said it would be easy and no one expects you to keep it together every day and every night. Let it all out every now and then...It's okay to cry. ♥ *Dani." I had to sit there and just think. I really am bad about this. I am one that I feel like I have to be okay all the time. I have to be able to smile at people when they ask how I am and tell them I am doing okay. When truth is that I have bad days. I have days where my kids are pushing me right off the cliff of my sanity. I have days where I am mad at the world and want nothing more than to just sit in a cave for the next 10 months. I have days where it has been a while since I have heard from my husband and I am worried and preoccupied with wondering when I will hear from him again. All of those days, when someone asks how I am, I still say, "Okay." I think I have to say that. I think I have to show a brave face and not talk about what is really going on because I am an Army wife, we are supposed to be made of steel and should be able to handle it. Well, that is somewhat true most days. As an Army wife, I am a strong woman and can handle a lot, but there are days that I can't.

Just as Dani said, it is okay not to be okay. I have to accept that and others in my life have to know that it is a reality. I am not always going to be positive. I am not always going to be doing well. I am going to post statuses on Facebook a lot saying how much I miss my husband or how bad of a day I am having. It is not me being whiny, it is reality, because this is a hard job. This is a hard reality for me. If hearing about my bad day or my missing my husband is "too much for you," then by all means, don't read them. I am just having to be okay with not always being okay.


Another busy day is done. Getting closer to seeing my husband again.