Day 118: Why all the stress?

A lot of people have told me lately that they are worried about me. For good reason, I know. Things have been rough around here with work, school, the deployment, and now the dog dying. People have asked me why I am doing this to myself. Why did I decide now to enroll in the credential program? Why did I decide now to become a sub and look for a job? Why not just hang out at home and deal with the deployment only?

There really are multiple answers for those questions, but really they boil down into two main reasons. Reason one: It is keeping me busy. Not exactly the most solid argument simply because I have gotten into the "too busy" category. Which leads me to reason two, which is really the main reason for all of this.

Reason two: So I can get my credential and be ready to support the family if/when my husband decides to get out of the Army. My husband has been the bread-winner of the house for a while now. I have supplemented throughout the years, but he brings in the main income and health care. Because he is head of the household and the one who is actually in the Army, I have had him make the decision about reenlisting every time it was put on the table. Well, now I am making sure that nothing affects his decision except his own happiness. I don't want him to worry about whether or not we can make it. I don't want him to worry about if the kids will have healthcare. I only want him to decide what he wants. Before it was a combination of the fact that he wanted to continue to serve his country and the fact that we both had not yet graduated from college. Don't get me wrong, every time the question has come up I have answered him the same way I always have and always will. I tell him that it is his decision and we will make it either way. Either way, I will be there to support him and will follow him as long as I am allowed. I tell him that I don't care what I have to do to help get us on our feet after the Army, if he wanted to get out, I would do it. I would do that for him, just as he would for me. I never told him he had to stay in or get out. It is his decision to make. Now, though, I refuse to be the reason that my husband stays in if he doesn't want to. I want the economics of our family to be taken care of either way and for my husband to make the decision based off of what he wants, and only that.

His long term dream is to be a high school math teacher and coach. That is why I am doing this, to help get him to his dream. It may be hard on me right now, but in the long run it will help my family. By getting everything done that I need for my teaching credential, I am supporting whatever decision he makes in the future. Because supporting him is not just about sending packages or letters or wearing a yellow ribbon. Supporting him includes doing what is best for him, no matter how difficult it may be for me. Supporting him is what I do.

One more day is done. R&R is right around the corner and plans are racing through my mind. There is so much the kids and I want to do while he is here, and so little time to do it in. I don't care though, I will take what I can get!