During the retreat the Chaplain asked us how we were doing with our new roles since the deployment and how we were going to redefine our roles again once our husbands came home. It is a great question asked because it is a hard topic for military spouses. We are expected to take it all over. We are supposed to do our soldier's job as well as our own for the time they are away. I have heard a lot of spouses, over the past 6 months of this deployment, say that giving things back to their husband will be hard. They don't want to give it back because it is something they have been doing for the past year, and they don't want their husband to mess it up.
Typically this is heard in the area of finances and parenting. When you are a temporary single parent, you have to step into the role of mom and dad. You have to be the disciplinarian and you have to deal with things even if you need a break. There is no teammate to help you. You get to the point where you have implemented things to make it work without your husband and when he comes back he "won't understand," so you think it is better that you just take care of it. Taking over the finances while he is gone seems pretty natural to me too. If your soldier is busy fighting a war on the other side of the world, the least you can do is handle all the finances here and not have him worry about anything. It is a great idea until your husband comes home and wants to help make the financial decisions again or wants his job and the finance manager back. Then, it becomes hard for some to hand it back.
Thing is, that just isn't how Ian and I work. I have taken a lot of the day to day stuff with the kids. I have to. It is normal. However, my husband is still very much a part of our everyday lives. I write him an email every night telling him every mundane detail of the day. If something big with the kids happens, he and I discuss punishments and disciplining the kids. My children still hear the statement from me of, "Your daddy and I will talk about your punishment when he calls next time and I will let you know what it will be." If there is a decision to be made, that does not have to be made that moment, Ian helps me make the decision. For instance, on the decision of whether to leave my kids with friends for the weekend, Ian and I decided that together. Although, he made the decision about where the kids would go. I wanted to send them to a friend's house that was 3 hours from our house, which would have been a total of 6 hours from where I was staying for the weekend. My husband felt better if I was only 3 hours away from our kids instead of 6, so he strongly encouraged that I leave the kids with our good friends here. And that is what I did, I followed my husband's wishes. He made that decision and I supported it.
In terms of finances, I merely pay the bills. A few times a month, just as we did before the deployment, Ian and I sit down via Skype and talk about our finances and the up coming bills. We talk about any extra expenses, like holidays or birthdays, and how much we want to spend on those. We talk about everything. He has been almost as much a part of our lives as he was before he left. The difference is that we discuss everything via Skype and when he is not able to talk for a few days at a time, I take care of things, though I tell him about them every night in my emails.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I haven't fully taken anything away from my husband. I haven't replaced him in any of his roles. When he comes home, I know he will need time to reintegrate with the family, but I don't see myself having a hard time relinquishing control to him, because he and I have shared it from day one. He is still in control of his family and is still a part of our everyday lives, so when he comes home, he will be a part of our everyday lives. Only difference is it will be live and in person instead of through webcams and cell phones. I can't wait.
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