Today was my birthday. I was surprised that I was not woken up by a text or phone call from my husband (he likes doing that). But I was woken up by my kids, eager to give me their presents. It was sweet. They gave me a bracelet that said "I Love My Soldier" on it, some earrings, and a heart key chain! They were so proud and it made me smile. Then, we went off to breakfast. It was nothing spectacular, but we were together. While there, I had free WiFi, so I connected and turned on Yahoo IM just in case Ian could call or message me. Well, he did. So there I was, on my birthday, sitting in Denny's, talking to my husband overseas. I didn't want to let him go as long as he was able to stay on the phone, even when our food came. My husband reassured me that he would still be up when I got home and could talk to me then. As soon as I got home, he called me back. It was a nice conversation.
Just as we were hanging up, I started to cry. The realization that he wasn't here for my birthday was hitting and the fact that he had to go just brought that to focus. About 2 min after we said goodbye, the doorbell rang. It was a flower delivery from my mom. That made me cry more. Just the fact that she thought of me was touching and made me feel special on such a day as this. Then, later in the day, the doorbell rang again. It was another delivery, this time from my best friend. It was an edible arrangement and it was GOOD! With the two deliveries, the card I got from my sister, and all the birthday wishes I got via Facebook or my phone, I felt loved, even though I missed Ian. It was a nice day yet I cried a lot.... weird.
Today, I felt like I had gone back to day one. My husband not being here was a glaring truth today and it kept coming back into focus all day. So, I cried off and on all day. Most of it, I hid well. Dinner was my "epic fail." I couldn't help it. I cried, and my kids saw me. It was heartbreaking, because they knew why and were trying to tell me it is ok. I tried to smile and dry the tears, but I wasn't fooling them. Then, partially through our meal, both my daughters started to cry. They missed their daddy, too. Guilt went into spiral mode. I knew that my "weakness" was a factor in their tears. So, then, I cried with them a little, told them it will be ok, and that daddy will be home before we know it. Don't know how truthful that last part was, but I am trying to will it to be true. I have to be strong for them... even on my weakest days.
I had to really force myself, at times today, to really celebrate the day with my kids. For the most part, I did ok. Today is done. The first of many difficult holidays we have to celebrate without my husband is done. It was good, but at the exact same time, it was also sad and hard. Here is to tomorrow being better than today. One step at a time... Left, right, left, right.....
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