Day 17: You'll get used to it

I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I have no control over the ups and downs. They seem to happen for no apparent reason. Some days, I am doing great. Others, I am struggling. Today, I just kinda floated along. Not good, but not bad either. I just existed. I did the best I could for my kids. Spent time with them, read to them, took them out to play, and talked to them. And that was good. I don't know why I feel so "middle-of-the-road" today, but I do.

I also got to talk to Ian again... Our conversation was pretty normal. The "How are you?"s and "How was your day?"s were all accomplished. I found myself telling him about the soldier show and how the kids liked it. Just kinda going over my day. It was just like we were home after he was at work all day and we were telling each other about our day. Pretty normal. Everyday I feel that even when we have pretty much said everything we can, I still want to talk to him more. I still want to keep him on the phone. Whether it is for 5 or 50 minutes, it never feels long enough. I find myself re-reading text messages and emails he sends me, just to feel like he is talking to me. Anything to stay connected to him.

During this deployment and even the time leading up to it, a lot of people have told me, "You'll get used to it." Well, guess what, this is something I hope I never get used to. I hope I never become one of the wives that are almost elated that their husbands are gone. That send their husbands looking for deployments or unaccompanied tours. I hear wives that say they enjoy the break from their husbands. That is just not me. I want this to always be something that upsets me. I always want to miss my husband and I always want him around. This is something I refuse to get used to. Don't get me wrong, I am not just going to shutdown and not deal with his absence. On the contrary, I will endure it, I will survive it, I will LIVE through it, but I will never be content with it. If you are offended by that, well, I am sorry. If this makes me sound like some old-fashioned, dependent wife, well then, ok. Truth of the matter is, I am a woman who is hopelessly in love with her husband, who just happens to be a solider.  I am a woman who married her man and wants him more and more everyday. If that makes me old-fashioned or dependent, then so be it. I am a woman in love. I understand that he has a duty to his country, and I am insanely proud of that and support that. I support it so much, that I willingly signed on with him and gave up my families time with him, even though it is painful. So, sorry if I am not agreeing with you enthusiastically when you tell me "You'll get used to it." I refuse... and I am stubborn enough that I won't be budged. (Just ask my husband :-))