Today was just the day I needed. I went bed last night, depressed, emotionally and physically drained. My mom called me immediately after reading my blog last night, gave me a mild, verbal butt-kick for not calling her when I was feeling that low, and just let me blubber on the phone and tell her what had gone on and how I was feeling. It helped. She reassured me that I was doing a good job, that I would be ok, and that I had her support. It gave me a boost of strength that I needed that night. After the phone call, I looked up some encouraging bible verses and then went to bed unsure of what the dawn would bring.
I woke up this morning more determined. I find I am gaining more and more determination everyday. I decided that today I was going to talk to my kids. I was going to let them know how I was feeling (not all the nitty gritty, but a glossed over version for them) and told them that I am working on it. I told them that it is hard for me without daddy, but that I am trying my hardest to get this figured out. I also said that we are a team and that I needed their help too. They agreed and decided that they want to help me out as best they can. So with that, we went about our day.
We were at the commissary (the grocery store for you civilians out there) and were there for a good hour and a half. The kids did really well! I was impressed and told them so. We had fun shopping and they liked being my little helpers. Even Daniel helped me out and behaved well. As we were standing in line, we had an older lady in front of us. She was in a motorized cart and was missing a foot. As she went to her checkout lane, I asked Emily, my oldest, if she would like to ask the woman if she could help unload the cart. Emily enthusiastically said yes, and ran over to help. The woman was grateful for her help and the woman's husband walked up with her wheel chair to help her back out to the car. As Emily unloaded the cart, they talked to her about school and how she was liking her summer. I think the conversation with Emily helped as much as the unloading did. They wanted to give Emily money, but Emily and I told them that wasn't necessary. I told her that younger people should help when they can. The woman agreed but said that nowadays it is rare to see someone help like that.
So, on the drive home, I talked to Emily. I thought, I would try to drive home the lesson in the store, little did I know she was about to teach me. I asked her why I suggested that she help the woman. Emily said it was because the woman needed help, it was the right thing to do, it was nice, it showed respect, and it was being responsible. I couldn't believe the words from my 8 year-old's mouth. She understood that she was showing respect to an elder by helping her. She also knew that it was the responsible thing to do. Then she said, "It is what God and Jesus would have done and I bet it made them happy." I about teared up. I told her that she was exactly right and that I am so proud of her. What a daughter I have raised so far!
It is amazing that on days when you are at such a low point, you are sure the next one will be just as horrible, yet, God shows you a new day. He gives you hope. He shows you that, though you knew it already, you are raising a good child with a good heart in the midst of your self-doubt at how you are raising your children. He shows you what you need to make it through another day.
Today gave me hope. It was what I needed today. It was an amazing gift. Hope. Such a powerful word with such an amazing outcome. I was in awe of my 8 year old today and even my other two children who behaved so well. They showed me that they understand what we need to do to stay strong as a family.
Faith, hope and love is what is going to get me through this... One day at a time.
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