Day 21: How Do I Do This?

Today has been another indescribable day. I have experienced almost every emotion possible: happy, sad, angry, frustrated, loved, hatred (of myself), forgiveness, emotional exhaustion, loneliness, despair, and even hopeful. How is it that so many emotions that vary so much can occur in one day? I am not sure. It started out good, with most of the good emotions happening at the beginning of the day, and then it steadily declined. It picked up a little when I went to the women's bible study at church, because that is where I felt God's forgiveness and His amazing love. After bible study, everything that I had been holding up, just crashed down on me. I tried to hold onto that feeling and deep-rooted knowledge of God's love. The frustration, loneliness, and despair crashed down on me with the weight of my son's behavior issues building on my shoulders. I sent the kids to bed as soon as we got home and just cried. I couldn't do anything else but cry. Tonight, I just wanted to be held by my husband and let him take control for just a few minutes. I wanted to hand over the reins and let him guide the kids for a few minutes, but I could only sit there, alone, out of ear shot of the kids, and cry.

Everyone says you have to hold it together. You can't let your soldier see/hear about this kind of thing. You can't let your kids see you cry. You have to be strong. You have to be there for your kids, your husband, your family, his family, the unit, your friends, and other Army wives. I know that most of those I listed will be here for me too, but I still feel like I have to be strong for them, so they don't worry. Problem is, I don't know how. I don't know how to hide my feelings on days like this from the man that I love. I know my husband has told me many times that he wants to hear about these days, but, I also know that he doesn't need to be worried about the homefront. It is a hard line to walk. It feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. So, tonight, I am going to just pause, breathe, and pray. I will pray for God to take control of this and guide me through...

3 weeks down... Slowly but surely the days are ticking down.