I can't seem to have a good night's sleep since Ian left. It is hard once you have been used to sleeping in the same bed with another person for over seven years, to learn to sleep alone again. Last night, I was able to video chat with Ian right before bed. It was great to see his face, but in a way made me miss him more. I went to bed with him on my mind, as usual, and it made the bed feel a little colder. I put on the shirt that he wore the last day he was here, it still smells like him and it helped me sleep. When I got in bed, I smiled because my feet were cold and I remembered that every time I would jump in bed, my feet would find his warm self and he would warm them up. My own personal space heater.
I woke up this morning to his phone call. I talked to him for a little while and then he had to go. I didn't expect to talk to him again, but he called me later in the morning and asked if I was home. I was and he asked me to get on the computer. I was so excited because it was the second time in 24 hrs that I would be able to see his face. It was an amazing gift for me, one that is fleeting and not always available, so I eat it up when I can get it.
The funniest part was when he asked me how I was. I told him that I couldn't be better, given the circumstances. He asked what I meant by that. I meant that I could be doing a lot better if he were here with me, but given our current geographical separation, I was happy. Happy to hear from him, happy to see him, happy to just be with him in any way possible. It is quite a weird feeling. Being happy and missing him are two completely opposite feelings that are occurring at the same time. I was elated to see his face and hear his voice, but at the same time I was missing him and sad that he was not here.
My kids often tell me that they don't like having fun when daddy is not allowed to have fun too. They don't want to be happy without daddy. I tell them that daddy is wanting them to have fun and be happy, even if he isn't with them at the moment. I tell them that while daddy is gone, we can send him pictures and letters about all the fun stuff we do and as soon as daddy gets back, we can take him and show him everything that we have done and seen. Sadly, though, some days I agree with them. I know what is right, I know what I need to do. I know I need to live and live well, but it just feels wrong to be happy without him. I feel guilty sometimes when I am playing and laughing with the kids, because Ian can't right now, and that thought is always there, because Ian is always in my mind. I know hearing this now, he would give me a stern talking to because whenever I expressed this concern before he left, Ian would tell me that I was wrong and he wanted me to be happy and continue to live life until he returned. I am not saying it is the right way to think or that I am ok with this line of thinking, but that, sometimes, I can't help but feel this way. It is where I am constantly battling the two very different emotions. Happy, fun, or excited VS sad, lonely, or guilty. An unyielding emotional battle. Just another deployment perk for the Army wife! (I really hope you caught the sarcasm there).
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him, another day closer to sleeping in the same bed and having him warm my feet... hey, it's the little things.
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