Day 193: Reflections

It is New Year's Eve and I am sitting here with my kids, watching movies. I am sad that I will not get the traditional first kiss of the New Year from my husband and am sad that I ringing in the New Year geographically separated from the love of my life. 

A lot of people I know who have had to deal with a deployment this year can only say they are glad this horrible year is over. I know it has been a rough year when deployment is a part of it, but I also know that these experiences have changed me, for good and bad. I know that without this trying year, I would not know what I was capable of dealing with. This year has also shown me to rely more on God and has been a time that has shown me that I cannot do it all on my own, I need help.

New Year's Eve is a time where most people reflect on the year that just passed. So, I of course am doing the same. I have been thinking about what a roller coaster this year has been. It has been one of challenges, that is for sure.

This year, we started out together, thinking we were going to be in Arizona for the whole year. In March, we received orders to move, and moved within a month in order to give us the most time at our new post before Ian had to deploy. My husband deployed two months after our move and I have been on my own with our kids ever since. I have learned to adapt to the changes that have happened. I have lost made some amazing new friends and have set up a small, but intimate, group of friends that support me. I have done a little better at keeping up with friends that I have moved away from, but do need to do better. This year, despite the deployment, I completed a teaching certification program and am provisionally certified. I am working as a full-time substitute teacher at my kids' school which has allowed me to be close to them while still getting the experience I need to become a fully certified teacher. All of this would not have happened had we not moved. So, while this has been a difficult year full of changes and separation, it has been a year that made me who I am now and allowed me to set my career up for our future.

I gratefully say goodbye to 2011 and say thank you to 2011 for the memories and the opportunities to build strength. I welcome 2012 and the reunion it will bring me. I cannot wait for that time and for what else 2012 will bring my family and me. See ya later 2011! A year down, and the New Year is here to bring me closer to my love.

Day 192: Only because he is deployed

There is a saying that hold true in every military family. It is that whatever can happen will happen during a deployment or separation. Well, so far this deployment has been the epitome of that statement. A lot has happened so far, and yesterday, an unexplained allergic reaction showed up. Well, it is only getting worse and iI went to the doctor's and all they did was give me medications to deal with the symptoms but no way to figure out what it causing it. It is one of those things that I am sure (well figuratively speaking) would not have happened if my husband was here. So , now, not only am I having to deal with my whole body itching and covered in hives, I have to start making a cake tonight that needs to be finished by tomorrow afternoon. So far, I have gotten a lot of it done, but the medication the doctor gave me are making me a bit tired. I hope I can get it done in time tomorrow and that these medications do their jobs and keep me from itching.

I think the hardest part of this is that it is such an unknown condition right now. I know it is an allergic reaction, but don't know to what. I have never had allergies and have not changed anything recently. There is nothing that I can avoid or get away from to keep this from happening again. It is just one more thing that can be chalked up to the craziness of this deployment. The first time I have ever had an allergic reaction and I have to be by myself. I am so nervous about this whole thing because if it had been a worse allergic reaction, like one that caused breathing issues or something more severe. Being alone for that is scary, probably the most scary of this whole thing. I am scared to have to go to the ER in the middle of the night because I have these 3 kids to take with me or to find someone else to watch them. Either way, it is one of the scariest realities of Ian's deployment.

All I can do is pray that God will keep me healthy throughout this deployment and that my fears are only that, fears and do not become reality.

Day 191: Too Tired

12/29/2011

I didn't write this blog on time because I am sick, again. This time I am having some sort of allergic reaction, which I have never had before, and don't know what is causing it. So, I am just tired tonight. I got to talk to my husband, which was awesome. We went ahead and splurged a little bit to get him internet access in his room. It makes it easier for us to talk and there are no time limits. The other bonus is that Ian doesn't have to walk across the FOB to get to the MWR building to use their internet. Lately, it has been really cold there and my poor husband has to get out of bed early in the morning and walk out in the cold in order to get online to talk to us. I figured that with all the sacrifices and hardships he faces everyday, he deserves a perk. Right now he is loving it. He is able to be on it whenever he is in his room and after talking with the kids and me, has time to catch up with others. Before, he had a 30 minute time limit which was spent talking with us and then had to go. Our communication is good, but with this it can only get better.

Here is to another day being marked off the countdown. I love that the days are starting to move at a steady rate again.

Day 190: I love progress

Today I took the first step in making this place my home. For Christmas my mom got me this beautiful canvas print sign that has our last name on it and the phrase "Home is where your story begins" on it. That got me into the mode of decorating. Basically, I started to put up pictures. I put up all the pictures I have that have been sitting in the drawer of our entertainment center. I took down my Christmas tree and decorations yesterday, so today I also started cleaning and organizing the house and doing a ton of laundry. I got a lot done today and the feeling is amazing. I feel like I am getting a handle on this whole thing and that I am actually making this place my home, despite the deployment. Funny thing is that this is the fastest I have ever hung up pictures in a house before. Our first place we were in 10 months before we moved and I didn't hang a single thing on the wall. Our second place I decided to start decorating with 8 months left on our tour. Our third house it took me over 18 months before I started to decorate, that was about halfway through the time that we lived there. This is now our 4th house and it has only taken me 8 months to get to decorating.

Progress. It is the best feeling in the world when you are moving forward and not backward. It gives you a high and makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. Progress makes me feel like I can do this. Like I can make it through this deployment and kick it's butt. So, here I am, kicking deployment's butt and moving forward... one step at a time.

Day 189: Kids have the most bizarre reactions

12/27/2011

My kids never cease to confuse me with their reactions. They don't react the way I expect them to. Today for example, I ordered my kids a flat daddy about 4 months ago and was approved to get a free one a month ago. So, I sent in the picture of Ian and today, the blown up picture came in the mail. It has an adhesive backing to it and can be put on the wall or mounted to a foam board. Then you can cut around it to get the background out of it. I put our flat daddy on a foam board and then realized I didn't have an Exacto knife to cut it out. Luckily a friend of mine saved the day and let me borrow one.

Once I got it cut out, my oldest girls really seemed to love it. At first it startled them because it is so life-sized that it looked like he was really sitting at the table where I had it propped up at. Later that night, my youngest daughter wanted to have daddy sitting at the table with us. That is when the bizarre reaction happened. My son got really upset. He started crying and telling us he didn't want the flat daddy sitting at the table. Even though I thought that the kids would love having the flat daddy to carry around and have him with us, Daniel was adamant about not having it around. He just cried and screamed that it wasn't daddy and that daddy was gone. I tried to explain to him that it was like his daddy doll, but bigger. That we had it so we could feel like daddy was here and be able to give a hug to him whenever he wanted. That didn't help. He just kept going on and on about daddy not being here and that daddy was not coming back. That was hard. I sat and talked to him for a few minutes about the fact that daddy was coming back and that he would be back this summer. Daniel just doesn't understand time. He told me he knows daddy is coming home, but that it would be forever before he was here again.

I got him to calm down a bit and he was okay with the flat daddy for dinner. For the rest of the night he was good and even took the flat daddy upstairs to his room. So, we will have to see what this flat daddy will do for him. Tonight though, at least I got a glimpse of what he is really thinking and feeling and I was able to talk to him about it. Now I know what I need to continue to work on with him and what his worries are. That has to count for something, progress even in it's smallest form.

The flat daddy and me

The flat daddy

Day 188: A better day

I talked to my husband this morning, and again, his mood set my mood. I was so happy to hear his voice this morning sounding as bright and happy, just like I love to hear. It instantly made me smile. He had a much better day today than he did yesterday. He still was missing his family, naturally, but other than that his day was good.

It put me in an oddly bouyant mood today. The kids, my dad and I went shopping at the after Christmas sales. The kids were descent with their behavior. Nothing too crazy with them. I was actually pretty happy with them because I usually have to really stay on them while we are out. We came home tonight and had leftovers and got the kids to bed. My dad heads home early tomorrow morning, so the kids have to be getting up early with me to take him to the airport.

I am so grateful for good days on both sides of the world. They make this deployment so much easier to deal with and get through. So, we are another day closer to seeing Ian again. Just have to keep ticking the days off the calendar.

Day 187: Merry Christmas

I can't help it. I miss him. I miss my husband so badly it is painful. Days like today, days where we are supposed to be spending it together, in each other's arms and watching our kids play. So, it was hard doing what we could to be together during this holiday, but still feeling the pain of separation. It is even harder when my husband talks to me about how much he is missing us and wishes he was here to spend Christmas with us.

To be honest, we did the best we could for the day. My husband was able to Skype with us and watch the kids open presents. It was really amazing to watch the kids open presents and show them to Ian. It really was like he was sitting right here. Despite my husband being exhausted, he stayed with us through the whole thing, showing his excitement for the kids' presents and hiding his own feelings from the kids. He is my hero. I could see how much he was missing us and how he was trying to just enjoy the time and not focus on the sadness. He and I sat for a few minutes and talked (and I cried a bit) and said how much we were missing each other. We had out emotional moment, talked each other down, and joined back into the celebration with the kids. It was our little timeout, but helped us to keep up the happy faces for the kids so they could enjoy their Christmas. After all the presents were opened, the kids said bye to their dad, told him thank you for the gifts and wished him a Merry Christmas, and then ran off to play with all their new toys. Ian and I sat on the computer for a few more minutes before he had to go and discussed things related to our everyday lives.

All in all, it wasn't a horrible day and we managed pretty well with the circumstances. That is all you can do. You are given a situation to deal with and you have to chose how you will handle it. You can chose to let it get you down and ruin special days. Or you can chose to make the best of what you have and take what you can get. We chose to take what we can get. If that means that for this year all we can get is Ian here via Skype, then we will take it, because it is better than nothing at all. I also know that this is temporary and that he will be celebrating Christmas with us next year.

The big holiday is done and a success thanks to my husband's dedication, my family and their generosity, and technology. We are getting closer, I just have to hold on to that.

Day 186: Christmas Eve- Single Santa

So, today was a good day, well, as good as could be expected. I can't help but miss my husband terribly on days like today. My dad is here though and has been good company and the kids loved seeing him again. We drove around and did some last minute shopping and then went to church tonight. After church, we had dinner at home and made sugar cookies for Santa. The kids really loved it but got to bed a lot later than expected. That meant that my job as the single Santa was going to start late and end late.

It is another one of those things you don't think about until you are in the middle of it. Tonight, I realized that I forgot to wrap any of the presents before now. Usually, when I do that, it isn't a big deal because Ian is here to help with the wrapping. Well, tonight, I had to take care of it. My dad helped a little with handing me tape and stuff, but I did all the wrapping. Not that I am complaining, because he did help, just that I had a lot to do. When I was about 3/4 the way through, my dad called it a night, and I finished up on my own. I sat there watching TV, wrapping gifts, and thinking about the fact that Ian and I would be doing this together right now if he were home. I don't know how to say this without it sounding like I am whining, it is just how I feel. I accept the situation and am learning to cope, it is just days like this that are upsetting and make me miss him more than usual.

So, it is 1am and my single Santa duties are done. It took a lot longer than I expected, but that is okay. The kids will be happy to see it. Even though most of it is from our families, the kids will still have a great Christmas. Hopefully, Ian will be able to Skype us in the morning, or at the very least, call us. For now, I am going to try and get a few hours sleep before my kids come running in my room to yell that Santa came.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.

Day 185: I cried today...

I just couldn't help it anymore. Until now, I have been doing well at not losing it and crying for no reason. Since the day after R&R ended and Ian left, I have not cried. I like to think it was because I found my strength, but truth is that I think it is because I have been numb. I have been fooling myself, making myself not think too much about where my husband is, what he is doing, and how long he will be gone. I casually mention things about my husband being in Afghanistan, but keep it so light, that it almost sounds like he is training in Arizona. I don't focus on anything in particular.

So far, it has worked. I know where he is, but the loneliness of time has not caught up to me. Yesterday, we hit our halfway mark. Ian pointed it out to me, and I was surprised by the date. Unfortunately for me, I am more of a "glass half empty" kind of person, and my husband is a "glass half full" kind of person. He sees it as us being halfway done and on the downhill slope of this deployment. While, that is true, I see it as more of a "WE STILL HAVE 6 MONTHS LEFT OF THIS CRAP!" kind of thing. So, realizing that and thinking about everything else I am missing and have dealt with in the past six months, I started to cry. I hid in my room while the kids played in theirs and I cried. I cried because I am missing my best friend and am spending Christmas without him. I cried because I am worried about my best friend and what he is dealing with everyday over there. I cried for my kids missing their daddy and for myself missing my partner in this life. I sat there, looking at his picture, and cried. I just flat out miss him.

Crying was a good thing. It helped me get it all out, and move on with the day. It wasn't a debilitating thing, but was a healing thing, in a way. I was able to finally stop being numb and just let the feelings of sadness and loneliness have a minute to surface and be felt. I was able to have feelings. I was able to finally express them to myself and it was okay. I know I have said many times that it is okay to not always be okay, but I guess I still try to always be okay no matter the cost to myself. I am not perfect and I am still trying to find my way through this deployment. So far, I think I am doing okay, even on some of my harder days.

Halfway there, baby! We are halfway there! (See that, I am trying to be "glass half full"...Aren't you proud?)

Day 184: A Deployed Soldiers Wife's Night Before Christmas Poem

12/22/2011

I found this on Facebook today and it made me cry. This is for all of you who stand with me, waiting with me, for our husbands to come home. I know you are missing your husband as surely as I am missing mine. We are proud of our soldiers and, though sad for this missed holiday, are proud to stand behind our men. For those of you who have never had a deployed spouse and are still standing with me, I thank you for your support. It helps get me through everyday.

**A Deployed Soldier's Wife's Night Before Christmas Poem** 

The Wives Who Wait 

Twas the night before Christmas and there all alone

I saw a young woman who sat by the phone 

For what was she waiting on this holiday night 

Where were the stockings, Christmas tree, lights? 

I saw one little tear As it rolled down her face 

And she curled up in a blanket 

Then looked round the place 

Something was missing 

Someone not here 

In her face I saw sadness did I also see fear? 

I paused and I wondered what could it be? 

That would cause a young woman To look so lonely

How could anyone so precious choose such a life? 

Then I realized this woman was a soldiers wife. 

Her gift for this Christmas is to hear that phone ring 

“Hey baby, I miss you don’t worry about a thing” 

Each day I thank God for the soldiers that serve ever willing to fight and lay down his life 

But how often do I ever remember think about the young woman who is that soldier’s wife 

Thank you God for these women they are just as strong 

They sacrifice daily And without help get along 

So God please protect our soldiers on this holiday eve so late 

And give an extra hug to their wives who wait!

Day 183: One of THOSE days

12/21/2011

So, today I spent working on this cake. It was a Spongebob cake for a friend of a friend. It is my first cake that hasn't been done for a friend, family member, or a volunteer organization. It was more work than I expected, but still, I learned a lot from it, like I do from almost every cake. The kids spent a lot of the day playing with the neighbor's kids in the backyard, which helped me out a lot, because they always want to "help." After the cake was done, the kids and I had lunch and then hung out for a little bit before they went back over to the neighbor's house for a little while. I waited here at the house for someone to pick up the cake. When she did, she loved it. Her son loved it too, and it made me happy to be able to do that for them.

After all that, we had dinner and I had the kids get ready for bed. While having them get ready for bed, they were having their typical "he won't get out of our room" kind of argument, so I had to go settle that. Well, it was just one of those kinds of nights for the kids. They kept on each other and on each other. Then, my oldest lied to me repeatedly about something that got her in trouble telling me her brother did it too. Well, her brother got in trouble when he should not have been, because he didn't do anything. I was upset about that, because one thing I cannot stand is lying. This is where I would have loved for Ian to be here, because I had to come up with a punishment for her, and usually like to be able to confer with him about it. Unfortunately, I had to do it on my own. I will end up talking to Ian about it tomorrow and I know we will adjust it, but for now, what I said goes. This is just another one of those days that goes down in the "Rough Days" category of this deployment.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.

Day 182: Just another day

12/20/2011

Today has been the busiest day I have had in a while. The kids and I got up this morning and finished our cards and gifts so we could mail them out this afternoon. After that, we headed to the store to get boxes to mail them out in and then headed to the post office. The post office was insane, as to be expected with 3 kids. We made it through it, and then headed to the grocery store. I have a cake that has to be done by tomorrow afternoon and needed to stop by the store in order to get the stuff I need for it. Then we came home and I got to work on my cake. I made dinner for the kids and myself at the same time as I was baking. I sent the kids to bed at their normal time tonight and am spending my mom time baking.  It isn't exactly relaxing, but there could be worse things.

Unfortunately, the plan to try and get to bed early is being sunk tonight, because I have to get this cake done. I will try again tomorrow to get to be at a descent hour, but who knows with my kids and life in general if I will be able to do it.

For now, it is just one of those posts that has no real insight or words of encouragement. It is just my day and how I am getting through it. It is another post to show that I have completed yet another day.

Day 181: Mom time

12/19/2011

Today was a kind of laid back, yet busy day. I got to talk to Ian this morning, since the kids and I aren't in school. It was quite a cool thing. We weren't worried about the schedule of my lunch break and were able to talk for a while. After that, we worked on getting a few things done, like cards and homemade gifts. For dinner my friends and their kids came over and we got to hang out again. It is always a fun time when our families get together.

I am sitting here tonight, wondering why I am so tired. I feel like I just can't seem to get to bed at a normal time anymore and that I need to stay up later and later just to get some peace of mind. I know that even when Ian was home, the time between when the kids went to bed and when I went to bed was my mom time. It was the time I used to decompress from the day and take a deep breath. With everything, it feels like no matter how early I send the kids to bed and how late I stay up, it is not enough time for me. It always feels like I have not had any real time to myself. I still feel stressed. So, I am going to try something new this week. I am going to try and see if getting myself to bed earlier helps out with this. I am not sure how this is going to work, but we will see.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing him.

Day 180: Faithful

12/18/2011

Today was a typical Sunday. I went to church and after church took the kids to lunch. It was a good time and we even saw a member of our church there and had a mini get-together. After we got home, we relaxed a little bit and then went to see the lights at BLORA with my awesome friends, Lyssa and Nathan, and their kids. We all piled in the car and the kids had a blast looking at the lights. We got home later than expected and I got the kids to bed as soon as possible.

Today at church, I was telling my best friend here about the news of my job being extended. As I was telling her, she asked when I found out and the answer was Tuesday. I told her that the principal found out Friday about my job but hadn't had a chance to talk to me until Tuesday. As I was telling her this, I realized it was God's way of dealing with me. I am a worrier by nature and have tried many times to let things go. I suck at it. As I was worrying last week about the fate of my job, Ian kept telling me to give it to God. Over the weekend, I struggled with it, and had not truly let it go. Monday night, I finally let it go. I decided that whatever happened, it would all be okay. It would be part of a plan that I have no idea about. Then, after fully giving it to God and accepting whatever happened, that next day I got the news about my job being extended. It was a sweet realization I had right there with my friend and it made me grateful for the anxious times of waiting. It helped me realize that things will work out as they are meant to and I have to just remain faithful.

So, here I am. I am remaining faithful that God will get my family and me through this. I am remaining faithful to the strength of my marriage and the love my husband and I share. Faith is the rock of my life and the thing that will get me through this deployment. Faith in God and in all He can do.

Day 179: Party time

12/17/2011

How would I ever get through a party without my awesome friends? Truth is, I wouldn't. I have not been able to pull off a party yet without help from at least one of my friends. Today was no different.

I didn't ask for one friend's help, I didn't ask for two friend's help, I asked for THREE different friend's help! I was so busy working on Natalie's cake that I did not have the time to run to the store like I thought I would. I also realized that I didn't have the party supplies, nor did I have enough frosting for my cake! It was a nightmare. Luckily, one of my friends was already heading off post to a store, and I asked her if she could grab the party supplies. She said that it was no problem. Then, my most awesome (and first) friend here sent me a text and asked if I needed something. So, of course, I gave her my commissary shopping list. The third friend is also a baker and was getting ready to get some stuff for her own cake, so I asked if she could grab me some supplies for icing, and she did. Then, when she showed up here for the party, I asked if she would hang out with the kids so I could go get pizzas, and she offered to go get them for me!

I will tell you, I have the best friends in the world. There is no better connection than that of an Army wife. We are there for each other. The friends who will bend over backwards, so far in my life, have been either current Army wives or prior Army wives. They all know what it is like and all know that we can't do it alone. So they do what they can to help, just as I do for my friends. It is how we all support each other and make it through this crazy Army life.

Day 178: Guilty

12/16/2011


Today was the last day of school before the Christmas break. It was a day filled with music and Christmas parties. Last night I asked a friend of mine to come sit with my kids because I had forgotten to get the things needed for each of my kids parties, and remembered after they were all in bed. I am so blessed to have friends that I can call to help me out in these kinds of cases, because if not, my kids would have been out with me until 10pm. Luckily, my friend came and I went and got everything needed for the kids' various class parties. This morning we hauled it all in and I had to get right to work. It was also a short day, so we had a lot to do and a little bit of time to do it in.

Overall, it was a fun day at school. Unfortunately, the fun had to stop when we got home because it was time to get the house ready for the party. So, the kids had to clean up a bit and I had to work on Natalie's cake. It still isn't done, but it is done enough so that I can finish it up tomorrow morning.

Ian called tonight. As I was talking to him, I let it slip about how stressed I am about the house not being done yet and all that I still had to do with it and the house. All he could say was that he was sorry he wasn't here. I tried to tell him that I wasn't complaining to make him feel bad, just that I needed to whine a little with him. He understood, but still felt like if he had been here, the house would have been done by now. It is a never ending guilt battle, him feeling bad for not being here, me feeling bad for not doing well enough. It is something we are both working on, but in the high stress times, like right now, we backslide a little and get back into feeling guilty. Hopefully he understands that I am doing okay and sometimes just need to complain a little bit. I know it is hard on him not being here, but I know if he were here, he would do all he could to help me. That is about as good as it gets.

Getting closer, everyday, we are getting closer.

Day 177: Reminders

12/16/2011

I had to laugh this morning. I was getting ready to brush my teeth when I picked up the toothpaste and noticed it was running low. The funny part was that it wasn't flattened from the bottom up. I never do that, Ian does. He is always the one that flattens the toothpaste to get the most out of it. He even gives me crap for not doing it. So today, as I was getting ready for work, I had to flatten the toothpaste and it made me smile and think about Ian.

It is a reoccurring thing. Little things remind me of him. Like finding his socks in the laundry or taking out the trash which was something he did or driving his Jeep. It is something that keeps Ian on my mind, even though I don't need the help, because he is always there. They are things that make me smile at the oddest times. I probably look goofy, smiling when I am taking out the trash or doing laundry, but I am okay with it. It is the connection I need to keep with Ian.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing him again.

Day 176: Where is my tap-out?

12/15/11

Despite having such a great day yesterday, I am so over this deployment. My kids, like myself, have been having a hard time adjusting and dealing with Ian returning downrange. My son in particular has been having more and more bad days and can't seem to find his step in school again. I have tried everything with him to try and get him to understand that he needs to behave better. Nothing so far is working. I am just having to be consistent and hope that he will readjust soon.

Until then, I am really needing a tap-out. It is something that Ian and I have always been really good at. When I get stressed out with the kids and need a break, he steps in and deals with whatever the issue is, and vice versa. We team parent well, and I am really missing it right now. I am at that point where the kids are doing everything they can to push my buttons (maybe not really, but it feels that way sometimes). I know they are kids, but man, I could tell them not to do something, and 30 seconds later they do it. I could ask them to do their chores and they don't, or they cry about it, which starts the epic battle of trying to get them to do it. Usually it ends up with me sitting there and getting on to them to do their chores. After about 20 minutes, it starts to get frustrating... Que Ian. He comes in and tells me to take a break and he sits with the kids to make sure they do what they are supposed to. Now that I don't have that, I find myself just letting the kids slide on their chores because I don't want to try to get them to do them. It is just easier to do it myself. Problem is that it gets overwhelming when I am working and everything else I am doing right now. Just upkeep is hard to do with the lack of sleep I am getting lately.

I also miss having my husband here for those late night shopping trips. Tonight was one of those nights. I forgot to pick up the stuff for my kids' parties and didn't remember until after 8:15pm when my kids were already in bed. Luckily a friend of mine was willing to come and sit with my kids so I could go to the store. Luckily that especially without Ian here, I have some really awesome friends willing to help me out. Even when I need to tap-out I have friends that are willing to take over a little and give me a break. For that I am thankful, but still, I miss him.

Day 175: An Amazing Birthday

Today was my youngest daughter's birthday. It was a day I was worried about because she is the biggest daddy's girl know to man. I knew she would be upset that daddy wasn't here to share it with her, so I wanted to do everything I could to make it a great birthday for her.

For starters, Ian was lucky enough to be able to call her this morning and tell her Happy Birthday. He also sent her a birthday present which she opened with him on the phone. It was really great to see and hear on my end. After that, I talked to Ian and heard the emotion there because he missed his family and is upset that he is missing his baby girl's birthday. I reassured him that I know it is hard but that we will get through it and that even though he isn't here, doing what he has done means the world to Natalie. After our phone call, we went to school and I had already made plans to have lunch with Natalie in her classroom so Natalie could Skype Ian. An awesome friend of mine helped me out by going to pick up lunch for Natalie and me since I only had 30 min for lunch, I didn't have enough time to go get lunch and then eat it with her.

Our lunch turned out to be the coolest thing for her birthday. She loved having lunch in her classroom and being able to act all goofy with her daddy. Ian also requested that she gets to have a cupcake with her, so he sang "Happy Birthday" to her again. It really made her birthday special. After school we came home and relaxed for a little bit. Then I went and dropped off the other two kids at my friend's house so Natalie could have a special night out with me. We went shopping for a new outfit for her and then went to dinner. We ended up going to Cracker Barrel and I got her a stuffed animal as part of her birthday presents. When we sat down for dinner, I told the waitress that it was Natalie's birthday so they could sing to her. Then Natalie told me how great her day has been and we talked about how cool it was that she was able to Skype with daddy during lunch. Then our meal came and we ate and continued to talk about whatever goofy thing Natalie came up with. After dinner, I ordered dessert and then they brought out my dessert and Natalie's birthday dessert and sang to her. Then the waitress brought out the check. She told me that only my dessert was on there, and I thought she meant that out of our two desserts, I only needed to pay for mine. She then told me that someone paid for our dinner. I asked who and she said she didn't know and they didn't leave a note or anything. I was shocked! I couldn't believe that someone would do that for me. I literally cried in the middle of the restaurant. It was the most amazing thing and yet, I couldn't thank anyone. I don't know what made them do it, but I appreciate it all the same.

This was the pick-me-up kind of day I have needed since Ian left. It has been hard for me for some reason or another, and I haven't been able to get out of my funk. Today, though, was a great day all around. I still miss my husband, but I have felt as close to him as I can be under the circumstances. I have been worried about the birthday today not being as "happy" as I wanted it to be, yet it turned out the be so much better than I ever thought it could be, not just for Natalie but for me too. I am so thankful for this day that I have been given.

Day 174: Keeping the Faith

I have been really worried about the possibility that I would not have a job after the first of the year. I wasn't sure what was going to happen and have been waiting for the principal to tell me if I would have a job. I have been a wreak about it and worried that I would not have anything to help me get my credential and in turn not be prepared for when we do eventually get out of the Army. It has been eating away at me for the past week and there was nothing I could do about it but pray.

Well, after praying about it and leaving it to God to lay out my path, I found out from the principal today. She told me that I will have my job come the first of the year, for the rest of the school year, as long as they let her keep the position. When I found that out, it made my whole day better because I knew that my faith helped me through this. Once I gave it to God and decided to pray about it and not try to control it myself, I stopped being so anxious because I knew whatever happened, whether I had a job or not, my family and I would be okay. The best part is that I will be able to have one day off here and there so I can have time to run errands and do appointments during a school day. So, it really did solve all my anxieties. I will still have a job, and will also be able to get a day off to have time to myself. I am so grateful and blessed.

I have to look at what I have and know that God is good. My husband is safe and I am able to talk to him often. My kids are all healthy and I still have my job. My days are ticking down one by one, and despite where my husband my be, we are blessed just by having each other and knowing we have a best friend to share our lives with.

Day 173: Making the kids feel special

Today was an interesting day. I am trying to work and plan out my daughter's birthday party as well as making plans for her actual birthday. I am trying to find a way to make her birthday special since her daddy will not be here, especially if he winds up not being able to call that day, even though we are planning for him to be able to. In making my plans, I am having to work with the teachers I help to see if I can change around my schedule to be able to have lunch with my daughter on her birthday. So far so good. They are okay with me switching around my schedule, especially since I agreed to work on some extra stuff at home to make up for the few minutes over I will be.

Other than that, I am stuck trying to figure out how best to deal with my son. Since Ian left he has not been doing well in school and even at home he has been defiant. I know it is just a phase, but it still has me a little frustrated because I don't know how to get him to understand that his behavior is not okay. It is a "typical" problem in this situation, and I know it will just take time. Unfortunately, it is harder to deal with considering all the stresses we are all under right now. So, my next project will be working on a good schedule to set up some one-on-one time with each of the kids. Hopefully this will help them out like it did at the start of the deployment. Well, one can only hope.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing him again and holding him in my arms. What a great day that will be.

Day 172: Lying game

So, I went to church today. I haven't been going as regularly mostly on account of company or illness. Today at church I got the typical question, "How are you doing since Ian left?"

Que the lying game.

It really is a nasty habit, but it is easier for me to handle it this way. I always just answer, "I am okay." If it is someone who knows me or really cares they notice that as soon as I say that, I look away so they can't read the lie in my eyes. I make sure that I break the eye contact so that I don't think about it for too long to allow myself to tear up. For most though, asking the socially acceptable question of if I am okay (and not just at church, but work and my "social" life too), my response is a safe enough response that gives them an easy out. They just nod and say that is good to hear and walk on. For me, it keeps me from having to go over all of the stresses right now and keeps me from crying in front of people. It is an easy response that hides the fact that I am missing my best friend, scared for his safety, dealing with a child's birthday and Christmas within 10 days of each other, worried about my job or if I will have one soon, and my kids and myself being sick, all of which I am trying to deal with at the same time as everything else that is normal in life. I know I am complaining a bit, and it really is not like me to be so "weak," but at the moment I am, and it is something I have to accept, I can't always be strong. The one thing I am is I am still strong enough to look at someone and tell them I am okay and that I am making it, even when I am not. Until the occasional person who really cares calls me out on it, and then I break down a bit and share with them. With those people though, they are usually my safe harbor and people that I can trust to just listen when I need them and are people I am there for when they need me too.

For now, I am sharing on here. As I have said from day one on this blog, it is my own personal brand of therapy and it is a place that I can tell people how I am REALLY doing.

Day 171: Determination lost

12/10/2011

How did this happen? How did I become the way I am right now? How did I go from being determined to thrive during this deployment, to feeling completely lost? I was doing decently well before Ian came home for R&R. Now, it feels like I have just lost my determination on everything. I am back to being content with just making it through it. I am in survival mode. Taking it day by day and just trying to survive it and put on the brave face. I am trying to make it as normal as possible for the kids and not let them be affected by my moods, but that is an everyday struggle. I don't know why it is harder since R&R than it was after he left the first time, but it is. I know the idea of still having over half of the deployment left is painful, because at least when he left the first time I knew I would be seeing him for R&R. So, I think I was able to hold it together until then. Now, the next time I see him feels like it is forever away. I know it is closer than I think and will go by faster than I think, but it is still just the way I feel right now.

One day at a time is the best I can do. It has gotten me this far and I know it will help get me to the finish line of the deployment. I just can't wait for this deployment to be over.

Day 170: 'Twas the night before Christmas

12/9/2011

A few friends posted this on their Facebook and it made me cry. I wanted to share it because it really made me think of my amazing husband and his Christmas without us, and ours without him.

Twas the night before Christmas, and he lived in a crowd, in a 40 man tent, with warriors so loud.

I had come into the tent with presents to give, and to see just who in this rack did live. 

I looked all about, and a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. 

No stockings were hung, just boots close at hand, on the locker hung pictures of far distant lands.

He had medals and badges and awards of all kind, and a sobering thought came into my mind. 

For this place was different, it was so dark and dreary, I had found the home of a Soldier, this I could see clearly. 

The Soldier lay sleeping, silent and alone, curled up in his rack, dreaming of home. 

The face was so gentle, the barracks in such good order, but not how I pictured a United States Soldier. 

Was this the hero whom I saw on TV? Defending his country so we all could be free? 

I realized the families that I've seen this night, owed their lives to these Soldiers who were willing to fight. 

Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a new Christmas Day. 

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the Soldiers, like the one lying here. 

I couldn't help but wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home. 

The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees and started to cry. 

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, for this life is my choice." 

"Defend my country this day, the peace do I keep." 

The soldier then rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. 

I kept watch for hours so silent, so still, and we both shivered from the night's cold chill. 

I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight. 

Then the Soldier rolled over and with a voice soft and pure, Whispered, 

"Carry on Santa, it's Christmas. All is Secure."

Day 169: The blahs

Today Emily had her one and only choir recital and it was really cool. I was worried that Daniel would be talking and interrupt it, but he was quiet and really seemed to enjoy it. Of course I recorded the whole thing and I will be sending it to Ian as soon as I can. After the recital, we had dinner and came home. Ian called to tell the kids goodnight and to hear about the recital. The kids really love talking to him and it makes their night to hear from him.

Tonight I am not feeling so well and am really missing Ian. I know he would be here to take care of me and take care of the kids so I could get some rest. I guess I just miss having someone to lean on when I am feeling weak, in every sense of the word. Dealing with things on my own is not a new concept for me, especially in the military life, but I know what it feels like to be able to lean on Ian for help and support and I really miss it. So, I am going to get to bed early and try to take care of myself as best I can, because I am all my kids have right now, and if I get too sick, it will not help them.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again. Another day that I made it through, still standing. It is something I know I can be proud of and something that will show when he comes home, because being successful now will help our family be successful at the end of this deployment.

Day 168: Free Mail

12/7/2011

In the times we are living in, mail is becoming less intrinsic to communication during this deployment. I get to talk to my husband more consistently via the phone and Skype than I could have ever hoped for. I am able to email my husband every night and he is able to email me back within a day or two.

Even with the virtually instantaneous communication, it is amazing the feeling that courses through me when I see a letter with the words "free mail" written where the stamp should be. Then I see the handwriting of the man I love in the address and get all excited. I even put it away for a little bit so I could get to a quiet place without the kids to read his letter. It gives me time to enjoy the letter he wrote to me. I love hearing from him the old fashioned way, written by hand, knowing he took time to sit down and write to me. There is just something romantic about hand written letters, especially in these times where they are rarely written.

Yesterday, I got a card in the mail from Ian and I took it to sit in my room by myself and read it. It was sweet and as I was reading it I heard Ian's voice in my head as if he were saying it to me. It brought the biggest smile to my face and a tear to my eyes. It reminded me of when he was in basic training and he wrote me whenever he had some down time. I loved getting those letters and checked the mail everyday for them, just waiting to see if I got one. It always managed to make my day better, no matter what happened, and yesterday was no different. Ian's letter was awesome and made my day.

Taking it day by day and getting closer to being with my husband again.

Day 167: Our Journey

Today after the usual hustle to get to school and the hustle at school/work itself, we had to go take Daniel to his Karate Play class. It is a great class that teaches him very basic karate stuff, but gives him somewhere to get out some energy and learn a thing or two about responsibility and respect. Today, I sent him into class and sat out in the car outside the big window and watched him work with the teacher. He did really well today. He listened and did everything he was asked. I loved watching him do the moves and he had a blast kicking and hitting the pads.

After karate, I decided that I would take the kids on a little excursion to the lake nearby that does a "Nature in Lights" exhibit. Basically, they set up these awesome lights all around the lake, you pay a fee for the car, and drive around and look at the lights. It was 5.5 miles of lights! When I told the kids what we were going to do, they were super excited. When we actually pulled up to it and saw some of the lights, they were so captivated by the lights and it made me think of when I was a kid and we would drive through some of the more well-off neighborhoods and look at their lights. We drove around talking about all the lights we saw and laughing at some of the funnier displays. We went through the 12 days of Christmas and tried to sing it, but lost it by the time we hit the 10th day of Christmas.

Once we drove through it all, we came back home to get ready for bed. Daniel, being the great little boy he is, looked at me and said, "That was an amazing journey! I love those kind of journeys!" It made me smile just because of the words he had chosen to use. Then, I looked at him and agreed and told him that I thought it was quite an amazing journey myself. He smiled at me and then headed to get ready for bed.

Of course, I can't stop there because his talk of our journey made me think about the journey we are all on as a family, and especially as a military family. We have ups and downs. We have hard times, bad times, good times, and times where we just survive. Right now our journey is spread out because our family is spread out on two different continents. That isn't going to stop it from being a journey our family makes. It isn't going to stop it from being an amazing journey, one way or another, it will be amazing just because it will be our family going through it together. One day at a time.

Day 166: Sometimes you have to break your own rules

12/5/2011

After being kinda down this past week and having everyone feeling a little sick today, I decided to break my mommy rules. Instead of coming home and cleaning the house and reading with the kids, I decided to have a hot chocolate and snack mix party with the kids. We went to the PX after school to get some cold medicine for all of us and I decided to get all the items needed to make a great snack mix. I also got the kids some chicken nuggets for a snack at the PX (again something I NEVER do, but I knew it was more of an early dinner) as we walked around getting everything we needed. The kids knew I was going to make them hot chocolate but didn't know about my other treat. So, we came home and I made their drinks and started popping popcorn. They thought we were doing a movie night. I just kept quiet. Then, after the popcorn was done I added M&Ms, pretzel sticks, peanuts, and gummy worms to the popcorn in a bowl and mixed. The kids went crazy! They thought it was the best thing ever! So we sat down as a family and watched some TV, ate our snack mix, drank our hot chocolate, and talked. It was so relaxing for all of us. Also, for dinner, the kids ended up not being to hungry (big surprise there) so I made them all peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I have realized that with all the stress I have been under, the kids are feeling a bit left out because I am either tired, sick, or trying to clean the house up. So, I decided that for one night, I would let the house stay the way it was and spend time with my kids.... The whole night. I didn't get on the phone or computer the whole time they were up. Well, until Ian called, but that was more for him to talk to the kids. It was the cherry on top of our nice night together. Rules are good, but they are meant to be bent just a little bit every once in a while. It is important to know when they need to be bent in order to have a little bit of harmless fun. I can honestly say that, even though my kids may not have gotten the most balanced meal of their lives, they had a great night with their mother and siblings at home. It is something I might have to do every month or two, just to give my kids some timeout from the normal, everyday stuff we deal with around here.

Another day is done, another day that I am closer to seeing him. They days are ticking by.

Day 165: Breakthrough

12/4/2011

Today was a pretty good day. We got up this morning and all went to breakfast. The kids all had a blast and I enjoyed the adult conversation with my best friend and her husband. Ian called during breakfast and we all got to talk to him, which was super awesome. After breakfast we went shopping, mostly just for a reason to get us walking around. After shopping we came home and relaxed with the kids.

I have to tell you, my oldest is 9 years old, and she is really starting the pre-teen attitude pretty fiercely at the moment. I know a part of it is because Ian is gone and then there are issues from kids at school, but in my book, that doesn't give her a right to back talk me and be mean to her siblings. It does give her the right to talk to me about it and be upset. I understand that outbursts happen, but this has been constant for the past few months and it is becoming hard on both of us. Today, it happened again. This time she back talked my friend and I sent her directly to the corner and talked to her after her timeout was done. I was frustrated because it was something that I have said to her a hundred times. This time though, I sent her to my friend to apologize and my friend had a talk with her. She said everything that I have said, but Emily seemed to listen because it wasn't coming from me (I know you all are shocked!). Long story short, I entered the conversation after a few minutes and we all talked about it calmly and Emily and I really had a heart to heart and set out some times that we can ditch the little ones to have some mommy-daughter time. Her behavior for the rest of the afternoon was a lot better and I am really hoping it holds.

I am writing a little earlier tonight because I am heading out to the concert. My best friend and I are heading out to see Lady Antebellum courtesy of my way-too-amazing husband. He bought these tickets while he was home on R&R and told us about them. I asked him if it was my Christmas present or, jokingly, my "husband just left and I am sad" present. Ian rolled his eyes at me and said, "Neither. It is a just because I love you present. I knew you wanted to see them in concert and since I can't go, I figured taking your best friend is the next best thing. I love you." Yeah, I cried a little. I told him how awesome of a husband he is, how lucky I am to have him, how much I love him, and how much I wish it were him coming with me.

So now, we are off to the concert. I know it will be fun, because it is my best friend and me together. I also know I will be thinking of Ian because it is country music, and that is unavoidable. That is ok, because I know I am another day closer to seeing him again and that as soon as he comes back, we are going to a concert together.

Day 164: An unexpected full house

Today was supposed to be a day that my best friend came for the weekend so we could go to a concert together tomorrow night. The original plan was that her kids and husband were supposed to stay home and it was just going to be her, my kids, and me. It was going to be time for us to just talk and hang out. Something I was looking forward to. What actually happened was that she asked if she could bring her husband and kids with her and I said yes. It really wasn't a bad thing because I adore her kids and my kids have so much fun playing with them. The hard part was that I just wasn't expecting to be really entertaining this weekend. My best friend doesn't count in the entertaining part, because if it is just her we would have just hung out and chatted or watched movies. Instead, I was worried about what my house looked like and about getting places for people to sleep and getting sheets and towels washed and ready. It wasn't bad, just more work than I really wanted to do at that time this morning, because I really hadn't come out of my bad mood. I hate to make it sound like an imposition, because it wasn't, it was just unexpected.

To be honest, it was also hard because I have only been without Ian again for two weeks and the pain of separation is still there. No matter where I go, it is a little rough seeing couples together because it always reminds me of what I am missing right now. Something always goes through my head and reminds me that I would be holding my husbands hand the same way, or hugging him just like that if he were home. The hard part was having it here in my own house after just two weeks of being alone again. I know this sounds bad, and I really am sorry. It is just how I feel right now, I feel lonely without Ian, especially in my own home, and seeing a couple (even though I am happy for them being together) reminds me of what I am missing right now. I am in no way bitter for any other couple, just reminded of the one I am missing right now.

Despite all that, it was a fun day. The kids had a blast and my best friend and I got to go to the movies together. My nerd self saw "Breaking Dawn" again because it is a requirement for my best friend and I to watch all Twilight movies together. We both had fun joking on a few funny lines and talking about the stuff we missed the first time we saw it. Basically, we had fun being nerds together.

Tomorrow night we are going to see a concert and I can't wait! It is our second concert together and the two of us always have fun at concerts!

Getting a day closer all the time. A day closer to being in my husband's arms and being able to be a couple again.

Day 163: Rough times

12/2/2011

I can't explain it, I am just down. There is no real reason, other than the obvious, for me to feel this way, but I do. It is getting hard for me to get back into the routine of keeping the house clean and keeping the kids on schedule. It seems like the transition has been harder after R&R than it was when he first left. That might be just because it is happening now and it feels more powerful because of that, I don't know. I just know that this has been rough. The holidays are right around the corner and I am sure that is a source of my blues, but again, not completely to blame. I can say that I really am not looking forward to the holidays this year and I feel completely unprepared this year. It is harder because I know that Ian will not be here, my mom will not be making her yearly Christmas visit (something the kids have already asked about), and I will not really have any friends in the area to share Christmas dinner with. So, I have to force it. I hate forcing it. I have to force it for my kids and make it look all bright and cheery. I will have to get up in the morning with them and video tape everything for Ian and then make Christmas dinner for just the four of us. I can do it, I just am not looking forward to it. I will keep in mind the true reason for Christmas and know that I celebrate it because of Christ's birth and that will help me get through it. I will just miss having my family together for this awesome holiday.

I know I am whining a bit and I apologize, basically though, I didn't know why I was feeling the way I am until I started writing it all out. So, it is a bit jumbled, but it is honest.

One day at a time. That is the best I can do. One day at a time, one holiday at a time. I can do this, I can make it through until I see him again.

Day 162: At least I got it sent out

So, today after work, I sent out the packages to Ian and his teammates. I packed them all last night and right after work headed to the post office, kids in tow. Let me tell you how much fun it is juggling three packages, filling out three customs forms (because I was stupid and didn't have any at the house), and dealing with three children who have apparently lost their minds. I don't know what it is but you would think they had no sense in their heads today. They know how to behave, especially in public, but today they were far from behaved. I ended up, instead of putting them in a corner, making them put their "noses on the wall" next to me as I was paying for the packages. The funniest part was this young soldier starts laughing and tells his buddy that he thought his mom was the only one that would do that. I chuckled a little bit and looked at him and he just smiled and repeated it to me this time. I told him that his mom is definitely not the only one to do that.

After I was done, we left the post office because I didn't get a tree off the internet like I had hoped to do, so I went to the store (again) to pick up a small tree to send to Ian. Unfortunately, by the time I drug three kids in there, I didn't have time to get back to the post office, plus the girls had golf and we had to get a move on to get them there in time. So, we went to golf and then had to get them dinner on the way home.

I have to call this day a mild success, mostly because I was able to get the bulk of the packages off to Ian before the "cutoff" that means they should get their by Christmas. I did have a talk with the kids today about their behavior and the fact that since grandpa left, I was on my own again and they had to come with me everywhere. So, in order for us to be able to get through our errands and get home quickly so we could play, they needed to behave for me and make it easier on all of us. Not sure if it computed for them, but we will see. I really do miss having Ian here to tag team with and even having my dad here was great because I could run to the post office or commissary by myself and take a third of the time it would have taken with the kids. I know I can't help that now. This is my reality, the kids are just going to have to learn to be on their best behavior all the time instead of just some or most of the time. Hopefully we will all get it figured out and make it through our errands with less stress....... I did say hopefully.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing that awesome husband of mine. Another day closer to having my tag team partner back.

Day 161: Christmas Packages

11/30/2011

Today was a crazy busy day. I went to work this morning, almost late I might add because I forgot it was trash day and I had to spend an extra few minutes putting it out. After work, I had to run some serious errands. I had to go shopping for the Christmas package I wanted to send to Ian and his team, even though I am pretty sure it will be late getting to them. In this case I am sure that the saying "better late than never" holds true. The only thing that may have been a bit of a waste is the Christmas tree I am sending and the ornaments to go with it. If it doesn't get there in time, then, I guess Ian will just have to send it back or leave it for the next unit that comes to replace them. Either way, I am trying.

It is hard because this was the one thing I have been excited to do for him and his team since he went over there. I was happy to know that even though he wasn't here, I would be able to send some Christmas cheer to Ian and his team and give them a little taste of home. Well, due to all the craziness of my life right now, I just haven't had the time or money to put together a package for them until now. It frustrates me that I am late with this, but I have to remember that I can only do my best and not everything works out as planned. Even tonight, I still have not sent it out, and instead I am busy packaging up their stockings and making each of them an ornament.

Every year, I have gotten Ian an ornament that depicts his service in the Army. One way or another Army is on it and sometimes even his name and current rank. It has been a pretty fun tradition, but can get a little frustrating at times when it is hard to find one. Well, this year I will continue with the tradition, only I am making his ornament along with one for every member of his team. This ornament will go downrange and (hopefully) come back in one piece to be put on our Christmas tree next year along with all of his other Army ornaments. I can't wait for him to see them and I hope Ian and his team like them.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing him.

Day 160: The Army Wife's Prayer

11/29/2011

Today is just one of those "lack of motivation" type of days. So, here is something I found online that I really liked and it is the outline of what I pray for every night, just said more eloquently than I could even hope for.

The Army Wife's Prayer
 
Dear Lord, Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen. ~Anonymous

Day 159: Reset and Restart

Today was the first day of school that we had to get through without my dad. Sure enough, it was rough. I was so close to being late. I was frustrated trying to push them out the door. Luckily, everyone made it to school on time and alive. I was composed before the bell rang and ready to start another work week.

After school, I grabbed the kids and headed off to run an errand to get some paperwork for my credential. It was faster than anticipated and we got home well before dinner and were able to spend time just hanging out and doing homework. Ian also called us tonight and we got to talk to him for a little bit. The kids told him about their day and he told them about his day. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was still what the kids, Ian, and myself needed. After that, I got the kids ready for bed and have been enjoying some quiet time.

I am back to staying up late. I have found that I need the alone time and the only time I can get it is after the kids go to bed. So, I stay up late. I am staying up later without Ian because he has a tendency to push me to bed and I don't mind it because I am with him. Being alone in bed seems to make it harder. Before R&R it was getting better, but fr some reason R&R seems to me Reset and Restart. I feel like I am starting this deployment over again with the date of reunion so far away. I know it is just a trick of the mind and that it is the blues talking, but I can't help but feel this way. I miss him. I know I will power through this and make it through, but right now it is a bumpy road. I hope it smooths out soon and I will pray as hard as I can for God to help me get to that smooth part. Then again, I wouldn't be who I am without these rough patches in my life, right?

So, that is my frame of mind right now. I know it is rough, but I will get through it and I know it will get easier. I will keep strong and keep my faith in God and allow Him to walk me through this. One day at a time, one step at a time... Until he is in my arms again.

Day 158: The importance of involvement

My husband left just a week before Thanksgiving. It was hard that he left so close to the holidays and wasn't able to celebrate them with us. In my not-so-infinite wisdom, I didn't think about celebrating the holidays while he was home until the day before he left, and at that time, there was no time to do it. I wanted to put up the Christmas tree early so he could be here to do it with us. I also realized that having a family Thanksgiving while he was home would have been a great idea. Why I didn't think about it sooner is beyond me and I truly do regret it. I know R&R is only 2 weeks long, and we fit a lot of things into it, but still, I really wish we would have celebrated what we could while he was here.

Since I was not so smart and didn't decorate while Ian was here, I decided to wait to have the kids decorate the Christmas tree until this morning. Ian got on Skype this morning and watched us decorate the tree. It was pretty fun because he was commenting the whole time to the kids about how great they were doing. The kids also showed him the ornaments as they were hanging them up and we talked about what each ornament meant. Our Christmas tree is a bunch of different ornaments with no real theme. Some are handmade by the kids or myself and some are one we got in various places we have been and lived. Ian seemed to really enjoy it and it was the next best thing to him actually being here.

It is the theme of this deployment for us... Involved. We are trying so hard to keep each other involved in our lives while we are separated. I think that is why we are handling the deployment as well as we are, because we are determined to stay connected and involved. He tries to be there for the big things, if he can, even getting up at 2 am if needed to be at a birthday party. I tell him about the mundane every day things and let him know what is going on. It helps. It works for us. I think if we didn't do this, we would both be having a harder time at this deployment because, as I have stated before, not being involved or communicating with each other is not the way our marriage works. So, even though decorating the tree was not a super huge event, it was something that was important for him, for the kids, and for me to be able to do together. We are luckier than some that he had the time today to do this, and we take it when we can get it because we never know when he is going to be out of communication for a while.

Every day that goes by, I don't think of it as just another day we have spent apart, I think of it as us being another day closer to being together. That makes it more bearable.

Day 157: Only me

Only I can really cause the kind of destruction I did on a day like today. It only ever happens to me and is totally my own fault.

Today, my dad left. He pulled out around 8am and I decided that would be a great time to start really working on my house and getting all the Christmas decorations going. (You can kinda see where this is going, huh?) In my house is a HUGE entertainment center. It is a German shrunk that allows you to adjust the height of the shelves that are over the TV area. Well, when I an first put it together, the bottom shelf was too high for my liking, and I decided now to right that wrong. Instead of cleaning it all off, I thought I could just move it with everything on there... yeah, that was stupid. I had a really pretty crystal cross that I bought in Germany on there, and it flew off and shattered. When I say it shattered, it really shattered. There were pieces everywhere. So, I cleaned up my mess, and decided that since the only really breakable thing on there was already broken, I could go ahead with the initial plan. EPIC FAIL! So, as I am moving the shelf, I apparently put it in there in such a way that the two support sides, were pushed out, and the top two shelves came crashing down on top of me. The kids were upstairs, so I had to yell for my oldest to come help me get stuff, so I could keep the boards from falling on the TV. It was a disaster. Luckily, though, only one thing broke, and that was a wax warmer. So, my sidetracked self decided that since I had already removed the center boards and TV, it would be light enough to move. So, I rearranged my living room. Then had to clean it all back up again, and put back together the entertainment center.

After that, I put up the Christmas tree and put up all the decorations that belong on the entertainment center. The living room looks good now, but it was painful to get it there. The funniest part is that, in the course of all that, I was scratched up and bruised, but didn't notice it until I was getting ready for bed tonight. My husband got on Skype with me tonight as I was sitting in the living room, and immediately noticed, by the little bit of background that he could see, that I rearranged the living room. So, I told him the whole story of what happened. After ascertaining that I was okay, he chuckled at it a little bit and told me to be more careful next time. After getting off with him, I called my best friend and talked to her for a little bit. I told her about my stupid exploits and she was rolling, laughing so hard. All she could say was, "Only you, Laura. Only you." And I had to agree. It was a total me thing to do.

The days are starting to move a little more now. Not quite as fast as they were feeling before R&R, but getting better. Taking it one day at a time.

Day 156: Last day of having help

I got up super early this morning and decided to hit one black Friday sale. I needed to get something for the kids and I knew it would be an easy store to get in and out of. Plus that store had huge, nice dog beds for $15 and my big Lab/Great Dane mix needed a bed up in my room, since he started sleeping there every night since Ian left. On my way home from that sale, I took my time and stopped at the PX close to my house just to have a look around. I grabbed their flyer and saw that they had an XBOX 360 for $100! Only problem was, the electronics were all the way across post at the other PX. I knew I would be too late, but figured I would try it anyways. Sure enough, there were none left. I was bummed that I didn't see that ad before then, because I wanted to get that for my husband for Christmas, even though he ruined his own present, like he does EVERY year. Let me explain, every year since my husband and I have been together, I decide to get him something for Christmas sometime in the early fall. So, at that time, I start planning it out and saving the money, if needed. Well, sometime in November, my husband decides to go and get whatever it is that I am planning to get him, for himself. Thus, my present plans are ruined. This year is no exception. I was planning on getting him an XBOX 360 after the first and sending it to him. Well, not to break tradition this year, he decided he was going to buy one for himself and started looking for deals. So, when I told him that was what I planned on, he just smiled at me and apologized. He then looked at me (through the computer of course), smiled, and said, "Well, there are like 6 games I want, so you can get me those instead!" Yeah, the fact that that man is 7,000+ miles away is the only reason he did not get it from me. I just scowled playfully at him and told him that he is buying his present. 

So, I spent the rest of the day working on laundry and having leftovers for every meal. I am quite the Twilight fan, so while working on laundry and eating lunch, I started a Twilight marathon and had myself a turkey sandwich, slice of pumpkin pie, and a Dr. Pepper. It was great. My dad had the kids outside riding their bicycles while he was packing his truck to head home tomorrow.

It has been nice having my dad here with me. I have been able to do things without worrying about finding a sitter and he was really good at tag teaming with me, especially when I was sick. So, tonight, since he is leaving in the morning, I took the last chance I had to go see a late movie. I waited until the kids were in bed, and then left. I went by myself, which was fine and was also relaxing. So, here I am, realizing that tomorrow I am going to be on my own again and that I really need to find a sitter I can trust and use consistently. Plus, it doesn't help that I am coupling this feeling with the fact that I am really missing my husband tonight. Needless to say, it is not one of my best nights so far.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. It feels like we still have forever to go, but I just have to take it one day at a time.

Day 155: Thanksgiving Day

Today was a great day, and a little sad at the same time. I had a great time with my friend Lyssa and her family and enjoyed cooking part of the meal for all to enjoy. Being with my friend (my new extended family) made my holiday so much better. The fact that they were so welcoming to my kids and me for Thanksgiving was heartwarming and made me feel so loved. We ate and talked, then the kids played all night together as we talked some more. Then, Ian called on Skype while we were still there and we all got to talk to him. We had a lot of laughs as I told him about some of the exploits of the kids and showed him the kids playing around on our iPhones, huddled in a circle. I stayed way later than I probably should have, but we all had so much fun and the kids were loving it too. Luckily Lyssa didn't mind because she knows how I feel and how nice it is to just hang out at a friend's house rather than go home.

I also got to talk to Ian this morning. I felt bad because I asked him how his Thanksgiving meal was and he said it didn't taste that good. He was able to spend it with a friend that we met in Germany about 6 years ago, but he said he would have preferred his wife and kids. I prefer that too, but there really is nothing we can do about that. So, yes, the day was great, but sad because we missed Ian.

In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I have been thinking about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my husband, my kids, my family, and my friends. Some people would think me crazy, but I am thankful for the Army. I am thankful for everything my husband has done to provide for us and for everything the Army provides for us. I am thankful for all the service members out there and am thankful for all those that show their support of service members and their families. I am thankful for those that show my husband support, because by supporting him, they are supporting me. I am thankful for living in this great country. I am just thankful for all that I have and for everyone in my life.

One holiday down. Successfully accomplished. Getting closer, day by day.

Day 154: I just don't care

So, it hasn't even been a week since my husband left to go back downrange and it feels like it has been a month. He left exactly a week before Thanksgiving, and it really helped the holiday sneak up on me. I am just not in the mood for this holiday, and really wouldn't care if I celebrated it or not. If it weren't for one of my best friends, Lyssa, inviting my kids and me over for dinner, I don't know if I really would have put in the effort. I know it is important for my kids to keep things normal and still celebrate the holidays with them, but it is hard because the separation is still so "new" again.  I am sure I would have done something with my kids, like maybe go to the DFAC (dining facility) on post, to have a Thanksgiving meal, anything to say that we celebrated without having to really put effort into a holiday I don't want to face without my husband. We have celebrated holidays apart before, but the beauty of military lifestyle is that I have never been alone. This year is no different. I am not alone this year, but I guess because of my job and Ian coming home, I have not seen many of my friends in weeks and I feel a little apart from them. Plus the fact that he just left makes it just that much harder.

I am still thankful for the holiday and thankful for all that I have. I am thankful that my husband is safe over there and thankful that our love is still going strong. I am thankful for my family and my friends who stay by me through it all and support my husband, kids, and me. I am thankful for my kids who give me a reason to keep going when all I want to do is curl into a ball. Just because I am not in the mood for the holiday doesn't mean I am not thankful for this life I have, I am, but I am just not feeling celebratory at this very moment.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing him.

Day 153: Unexplained

Today was a great day at work. Even though I am a sub, I really feel like I am part of the team at the school I am working for. It is a great feeling to be part of the team rather than "just a sub" because I feel like I belong there and that my contributions matter at that school.

After school today, I came home to be with my kids and enjoy the afternoon. I wasn't expecting to have to do a lot of housework, because for the first time since moving back stateside, I hired someone to come in and help me out since I have been sick. Unfortunately, when I got home, it wasn't how I was expecting. I ended up having to re-do the floors and the tubs, and tomorrow I have to clean the baseboards that were not done. So, I will have to do some extra chores, on top of what I already knew I would have to do, tomorrow and it will leave less time for anything else. It is a good thing my dad is here though, because he can take the kids to the park or outside to ride their bikes so I can get a few things done around here.

The kids and I also got to talk to Ian tonight via Skype and we really enjoyed it. We literally talked about nothing and everything and loved ever minute of it. The kids were being their goofy selves and showed off for Ian. Daniel was actually interested in talking to Ian and was upset when Ian had to go. That is progress for him. Usually he doesn't want to talk to Ian, so I am happy that he seemed interested tonight.

Even after this great day I have had, I still can't seem to shake the blues. I can't explain completely what is going on because one minute I am okay and the next I am melancholy. A lot of people tell me that is okay, and I know in a way it is. I just hate the unexplained mood changes that take me from okay to sad in about 2.5 seconds. Looking back on the mood change of the night, I think it came a lot from my husband getting off the computer with me (I always hate to let him go, no matter how long we get to talk) and the various fits the kids give me as I am getting them ready for bed. Either way, I don't like it, but it is a fact of life right now. So, that is where I am. I am tired and sad. It isn't the easiest thing for me to say, but it is honest. I will not always have good strong days/times, and that is okay. The point is that I am here, I stand proud behind my husband, and I am living during this deployment.

Another day is done, with God's help. Another day closer to holding my husband in my arms again. And with God's help, I will be able to get through the feelings as they come and keep taking it one day at a time.

Day 152: Back at Work

Today was my first day back at work after Ian returned downrange. It was nice to be back because it made the day go by quickly, but we are back to trying to align schedules again in order to talk. It is something that we again have to get used to and have to work on perfecting again. I spoke to Ian first thing this morning and it was nice to start my day off talking to him. The day went well, all in all, but my son was still not feeling well which meant he was home with my dad and I had to take him to the doctor's after work. He won't be able to go to school tomorrow either, but hopefully will be able to recover and go back to school Monday.

While on the way home from the doctor's office, my husband sent me a text asking me to get on Skype. I called my dad and asked him to have the girls get my laptop and get on with Ian. I made it home about 5 minutes later, and we all got to talk to Ian before bed. It was nice for all of us and the kids like feeling connected to him, especially during the week when they haven't usually been able to talk to him.

So, here I am, up later than I need to be. It is too quiet and I need to have background noise to keep my sane. I hat the feeling of my empty bed and too quiet room. I miss hearing his light snore and knowing he is right there with me. I know I will get better with it, but also know it will take time. Just like when he left the first time, it took me a few months to get used to sleeping alone. I hope it doesn't take that long this time, but we will have to see. The one thing I do have going for me this time is that I have my job that requires me to get some sleep and be able to function as well as my kids that need me to function for them. It is always nice to have something that forces you to keep living, even when you feel like staying in bed all day.

Taking it one day at a time, one step at a time.

Day 151: Trying to get back in the swing of things

11/20/2011

Today is Sunday. Family day. Usually we would normally have gone to church together, but the kids and I are all still sick. My son has pink-eye, and I did not want to expose other kids to that, so we stayed home. I needed to go to church, but I also needed some rest. I got to talk to Ian this morning via Skype and told him about us not feeling well. He felt bad for us, but was also still a little under the weather, and hoped that we all would feel better.

The rest of the day, I spent hanging out with the kids and did a little bit of cleaning up. I can't seem to find the energy to clean the house completely, either from being sick or just plain down about Ian being gone again, I can't tell. I just can't find the motivation to do it. I have toyed with the idea of having a cleaning service come in and straighten it up for me so I can start fresh and just work on upkeep, but I am not sure just yet. I asked for some recommendations from people in the area and was so surprised when I got some offers from a few friends who were willing to come over and help me out. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I have done it for others, but never expected people to offer it to me. It was such a nice gesture that I probably would have take people up on if I was able to be home tomorrow to work on it with them. Unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow and Tuesday, so I can't do anything until Wednesday. Still, getting the gestures and caring of my friends was nice to have.

One day at a time. Getting one day closer.

Day 150: Thankful

11/19/2011

On Facebook, a lot of people have been writing what they are thankful for... one a day for the whole month of November. I didn't start it, though I probably should have. For today, I would probably write that I am thankful for the time I had with my husband when he was home and that I am thankful that he made it to Afghanistan safely. I know that sounds weird, that I shouldn't be thankful for him being there, but the fact that he arrived safely makes me thankful. I am and will be thankful for every day he is safe while he is there and every day that brings him closer to being in my arms again. There are so many other things that I am thankful for, but today, this is the one at the forefront of my mind.

Another day closer. Still seems like his homecoming is forever away, but I know I just need to take it one day at a time and I will make it.

Day 149: Picking back up again

11/18/2011

So, the time Ian was here was great. It was a mini vacation for all of us. The kids were out of school and I was off work the whole time he was home. We spent time together, we did things together, and we just enjoyed being a family unit again. I wasn't as worried about the state of my house, or the money we were spending, or the things I would usually be doing (like cakes) if he weren't home. The only thing that mattered was my little family. Spending all the time I could with my family and my husband was my only goal.

Now, that leaves me with some stuff to do. I have to start getting back into the swing of things and pick my life back up where I left off. I have to get the house back together and get ready to head back to work. I have to start planning time with the kids one-on-one again with me and plan some me time in the next month. So, that was my goal for the day, but my body had other plans. I am sick. So, I made an appointment for myself this morning and found out that I have "the crud" and a massive ear infection. I was supposed to work on a last minute cake for a sick baker, but ended up being sick myself, so I had to pass it along to someone else. I hated doing it, but I unfortunately had to.

So, instead of working on everything around here, it has been a lazy, sick day. I did, however, pick right back up with carrying my phone everywhere and lugging my laptop around with me and leaving it on next to my bed.

One day down, another day closer to seeing him again. Have to keep that in mind. Everyday I spend without him is another day closer to living with him again.

Day 148: Saying "See you later"....again

11/17/2011

Well, that sucked. Today, I put my husband back on a plane and sent him off to war with a kiss, a hug, and a wave.

We got up this morning and I helped Ian pack the last of his things in his bag. As we were getting ready to go, Ian had to finish a para-cord bracelet for Natalie and while he was doing that, Natalie took one of her stuffed bears and sneaked it into his backpack. When Ian tried to put the last of his stuff in his backpack and found the bear, he was confused. He thought it was put in there by accident, then realized when Natalie looked at him with eyes that were both proud and sad, that she did it on purpose. She wanted Ian to take the bear with him to remind him of her. At first he said he couldn't do it because he didn't have space in his backpack for it, but when I told him that it would mean a lot to her if he took it, he decided he would carry it on the plane, like a pillow. That made Natalie smile so widely, I thought her cheeks would hurt.

After packing all that up, we headed to the airport. The kids were pretty calm on the drive, as was I, mostly because I was driving, so I had to be. When we got to the airport, we asked if they would let us back with him to the gate to say bye. They gave the kids and I passes to get through security, but not on the plane. So, we sat there for about 40 minutes with Ian before he had to start boarding the plane. It was hard, because the kids didn't seem to notice what was really about to happen and they sat their watching TV like it was an ordinary day. Once they started to call for the plan to be boarded, the kids realized Ian was leaving, and they crying started. It was hard for all of us, but was quicker than the first time. So, we all hugged and kissed him, he started walking away and turned to wave at us. We watched until we couldn't see him anymore, then waited to see the plane take off. After the plane left, we went home.

It was harder for me in a way, and easier at the same time. It was harder and easier in that I knew what to expect. Knowing what to expect does make it easier, but at the same time it makes it harder. It is harder because I know what is coming. I know what nights alone feel like. I know what it feels like to worry about him. I know what it feels like to miss him. I know that I am back to leaving my computer on and by my bed at all times. I am back to tracking my phone every minute of every day. So, yeah, knowing what is coming is harder more so than easier. It is hard knowing what you have to deal with for the next 7+ months and knowing that the two weeks you had were blissful, perfect, and now, over.

I start this last part of the deployment with the same attitude I had on day one. I will survive this, I will live through this, and I will do it well. I will make sure that my husband has something to come home to when he comes back for good.

Day 147: The Day Before....

11/16/2011

Today is it, the last day before he goes back. It has been a good but busy day. We had a lot left to do and we were determined to do it all together.  We took the kids to Chuck E Cheeses for lunch. After lunch, we had a lot of shopping to do both for him and the kids. We got all that done, then Ian had to get his hair cut before he went back. After that we did one last grocery shopping trip to get everything for dinner tonight. I told Ian I would make whatever he wanted, and he chose my meatloaf. It turned out really good, and we enjoyed the meal together.

I couldn't help it... All I could think about all day was that Ian is leaving tomorrow, and I still have way too long to do without him. I tried to not focus on it so I could enjoy our last night together, but it wasn't easy. At the end of the night, we just laid in bed, holding each other, crying. All we could do was say "I love you" and "I am really going miss you" to each other. It was hard, but we both knew we would be okay and we would make it through this together and stronger than ever. He knows now that I can do this and I can make it until he comes home again. I know that I am still a part of his life, even while he is over there, and that we will talk about everything we can. Our marriage is strong enough to withstand this separation, and will only get stronger from it.

Day 146: Genuine Offers

11/15/2011

Today really was a great day as well. Ian and I spent the night at a hotel, just the two of us. We got up this morning on our own and had breakfast together. After we had breakfast we just got to relax and enjoy the quiet. We checked out of the hotel and did some shopping for work clothes for me to pass time before meeting some old friends of Ian's for lunch. It was a great lunch and was good to catch up. They are great people and genuinely care about Ian, my family, and me. They asked questions about when he was leaving and what Ian and I needed prayer about. They offered to help me if I needed anything, and it was a genuine offer to help. Not one of those "Call me if you need me" but they are only saying it because it is the socially acceptable thing to do. They really do want to help and care about us enough to follow through with it.

It is hard sometimes to know what offers are genuine and what are not. Most of the time, it is when you take someone up on their offer that you realize if it is genuine or not. I have also found from personal experience that there are some people who will help you if you ask for it (and sometimes will only do it because they "have to") and there are those that care enough to call you or shoot you a text asking how you are doing. Those are the friends worth their weight in gold. They are the ones that care about you no matter what and want to be there for you in times of good and in times of crisis. These are the friends that I care about in the same way and try to be there for them just as much or more than they are for me. I have a few of these good friends here and a few others that are miles away but always willing to talk. These I am closer to than even some family members. It hurts to say that because I thought all of my family, blood or marriage, would be there for me and would allow me to be in their lives, especially during Ian's absence. The opposite has happened, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. For now, I am going back to what I said a few months ago, I am focusing on the family and friends that care and allowing them to show my kids they have support outside of just mommy. I am also allowing myself to be supported by them.... which isn't something I am accustomed to.

Day 145: Night away

11/14/2011

So, today was awesome. We went out this morning and did a little more shopping for packages for Ian's team and then mailed it all off at the post office. After that, we went shopping for a dress for me to wear on our date tonight. Ian had fun shopping with me and helping me pick out what I would wear tonight. After shopping, we got the kids some lunch then took them to my awesome friend, Susan's, house for the night. She so kindly agreed to take the kids for the night so Ian and I could spend the night at a hotel in the big city and go to a super nice restaurant... You know, the kind with no kid's menu.

After we dropped off the kids, drove to the hotel and got checked in. We spent some time together before we had to go for our dinner reservations. Then, we both got ready and I loved seeing the look on his face when I put my dress on with my hair and makeup done. It was awesome. The look on his face was the whole reason I got all dressed up tonight. He looked insanely good too. He wore a pair of khaki slacks, a blue shirt, and a tie. He looked GOOD!

So, we went to dinner together and had a great time. We ate slowly and just savored the food and our time together. After dinner, the waiter came and told Ian that dessert was on them and asked what he wanted. Ian wasn't sure why they did that, but I knew and did not tell him. See, when I made the reservations, I told them that Ian was home from Afghanistan for R&R and that it was our one special date night and to please help me make it as special and romantic as possible. I thought that is why they seated us away from the majority of the diners, and I did not expect them to give him dessert. We told them what we wanted and when they came back out, they asked him where he was coming from. He was confused and said the post we are currently stationed at. It confused the guy a little, but he said, welcome back to Ian anyways. Then when he set down the plate, "Welcome Back" was written on it in raspberry sauce. I then told the waiter that he was home from Afghanistan and that cleared it up for him. Ian then looked at me and I told him that I told the restaurant that he was home on R&R. Ian then gave my that "You little stinker" look and told the waiter thank you again for the dessert.

It really was a memorable night and we really enjoyed ourselves. We truthfully have not been alone overnight for quite a while, so it has been a great getaway.