Conceal, Don't Feel

I have been debating about this particular post for over a week now because I didn't want people to know my "weakness," but here it is. I surprised myself with writing and publishing this one, so I hope you like it, can relate, or at least mildly understand where I am going with this one......

So, I was driving to work last week and was listening to music on my phone when a new song came on. It was the song "Let it Go" from the movie "Frozen." I took the kids to see it the weekend before and we all loved it so much that I bought the soundtrack. I had heard the song a few times before this, but for some reason when I heard it this time it made me start crying. I couldn't figure it out. Why was I crying over a darn Disney song? Then I realized that as crazy as it sounds, I related to the song. She was singing my song. The girl singing it has concealed her "powers" for years and finally people saw her powers and her world around her fell apart. By no stretch of the imagination do I have powers to control ice and freeze things, but I do feel like I am her at times. Read the first verse:

 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

I feel like I am that girl. I am concealing myself. Concealing how I feel, not showing people the real storm inside, always telling them I am okay when I'm not. I am always being the "good girl" everyone wants me to be: the loving, patient, faithful, waiting wife; the parent filling in the role of both mom and dad; the caring teacher; the sympathetic, caring friend. I am doing all of these things and on the outside (to the untrained eye) I am great. On the inside, however, I feel like I have a storm brewing and it is only a matter of time before it shows and my world falls apart too.

Don't let them in, don't let them see. Conceal, don't feel. That is the only way I know how to deal with it all. It is how I was taught, the way I have always done it. The movie, however, made a great point (spoiler alert). When she finally "let it go" she ended up isolating herself from everyone, including her sister who loved her. By the end of the movie she learned that concealing it wasn't the way to control it, opening your heart, loving, accepting yourself and accepting the love of those around you is the way to control the "storm." I think this is why I love this movie so much. It isn't often when a Disney movie can really teach me something. Most of the ones I grew up on were the generic fairy tales we have all heard a hundred times, where "Frozen" is a story I had never heard before with a moral that actually taught this teacher a thing or two. I know that I am always able to learn, we never stop learning, but it is the fact that I learned something in this most unlikely of places that really shocks me.

I am taking this lesson to heart. I am starting to open up. I am trying not to conceal myself from everyone. Does this mean that I am going to walk up to someone I don't know and tell them all that is going on and all that I feel? Ummmm, no. It does mean that I am starting to open up to those that are still left in my life that I know care. I am starting to talk to them about the storms, allowing them to talk me down or help me up. I am realizing that accepting the love from people around me is the only way I am going to make it through this deployment without being taken out by it. By letting people see the real me, what is really going on, it helps to teach me to manage it better and not waste the energy and pain trying to hide it.

Comparing deployments is like comparing kids

You read that right, comparing deployments is like comparing your kids. You just shouldn't do it. No matter what there are always differences between them and they never act the same. I find myself saying a lot that "this deployment is so much harder than the last one" or "Last time we were able to talk more" or "last deployment I wasn't nearly this stressed." I think I faked myself out thinking that since I had been through one, the second one should be a breeze. Man did I ever I set myself up!

Last deployment was hard because on the third day, I had to put down our very sick 10-year-old dachshund. Three months later our 15-year-old dachshund died. Plus my husband and I were still working on the whole communication thing and we weren't sure how much to tell and how much to hold back from each other. Once we got that sorted out, it got better. I am not saying that it was perfect or that I worried less, just that it got better. My job was a little easier and I had more freedoms with it. I also had the help of my amazing father for the first 4 months.

This time though has been a lot different on both sides of the ocean. Ian is doing a different job that has some crazy hours. I am working full time and my hours don't line up with his. Our communication is suffering a little. When I say that, I just mean that we aren't able to talk as much as we would like, but we are learning that in the times we can talk to each other that we have to make sure it counts. We are both really bad about writing emails because we want to make sure we have something to talk about when he calls. Plus, by the time either one of us has a few minutes to write, we are exhausted and heading to bed. So, we are instead doing small notes to each other in our emails to say we are missing each other and thinking about each other. It is a little thing, but I know when I receive those emails, they put a smile on my face and make my day a little better.

On my side of the ocean, it has been especially trying. I have had a lot of added responsibilities put on me at work, the kids have started with their deployment issues, I have had some health problems that cause me to miss work, and I have had some setbacks with some close friends. All of these and more have made the first two months of this deployment to be one for the books! I know I said you shouldn't, but this first two months have been so much harder than the first two months of the last deployment.

The work stuff I can handle because I am good at my job and failure is not an option. With my kids' behavior problems, I will help the kids pull through this too, just like I did last time. Rather, I should say Ian and I will help the kids pull through because he helps just as much in that department. The health issues are starting to iron out, which has helped a lot but I still have a few doctors appointments in my near future. The hardest part is the issues I have been having with my friends.

I feel like I am losing vital support at the time I need it most. I feel like no matter what I do, I am just going to be alone in this deployment. Don't get me wrong, I have my family whom I can call anytime I need it and I love them for that! I have a few awesome co-worker friends who are there for me. It is just that I lost a few friends not long ago because of being busy and my inability to call them. Which I take full responsibility for and kick myself daily for. After losing them, I thought it was just a fluke, that maybe it was just that I wasn't enough for those friends but I still had other fantastic friends who accepted me and all my shortcomings. Then, I recently have had a few setbacks with another close friend. This one made me wonder if it is me. Am I really that bad of a friend?

I used to think I was a good friend. Even if I didn't call all the time, if you ever called and said you needed me or needed something that was within my power to get/do, I would jump right on it for you. If you called and needed to talk, I was there. If you needed me to come over in the middle of the night for an emergency, I would without hesitation. My friends KNEW I would be there for them no matter what. So, what has changed that I have lost so many? What is it about me that makes my friends think that I no longer care or am no longer worth their time? I don't know. I know I can get wrapped up in my own daily life and am bad at calling and forget to set up play dates. Most days, I forget to eat because I am so overwhelmed, and I definitely forget to call even my own parents. They jokingly say they were wondering if I were still alive because it had been a while since they heard from me. They saw my sporadic Facebook posts and knew all was ok, but still, I have to work harder at calling them more often too.

I know I am rambling a bit, but even though I have been here in this area for longer than when Ian deployed last time, I feel like I am even more alone than before. It really sucks because I thought I had the deployment already beat this time with the support system that we had built over the last 2 1/2 years, but I am slowly seeing it start to crumble. I know I don't have an option but to drive on and survive this deployment, but it sure is getting harder by the day. It is amazing how much losing a friend can really hurt you in a normal situation, but in the middle of a deployment it feels 1,000 times worse. I pray daily that it is just a bump in the road and that everything will iron out, but I guess only time will tell.

I won't allow myself to be beaten down. NO MATTER WHAT I AM SURVIVING THIS DEPLOYMENT! My husband will have someone here who is worth coming home to. No matter what happens with my friends, my husband and kids are my priority and I won't allow anything to come between that.

To all my friends and family reading this, please know that I am thankful daily that you are still in my life and thank you for the support you give my family and me, even if from afar.

Missing Milestones

When you think about a deployment you immediately think about all the things the soldier will miss. All the holidays, birthdays, recitals, games, etc. that he will miss and it can be upsetting. Even in our last deployment that was our (and I say our because Ian and I both felt this way) biggest concern, how much Ian would miss in the year he was gone. To be honest, that was our main concern for this deployment... Until now.

I realized today that I have missed a big event in Ian's life. It didn't register until I saw a picture of Ian reenlisting in Afghanistan in front of an American flag, without me there. I was insanely proud of him, but I wasn't there for it. I have been there from day one. I have been there for every promotion ceremony and every reenlistment ceremony. So, seeing a picture of him reenlisting without me in it was surprisingly upsetting. I know it is a fact of the Army life, but I didn't realize how upset I would be about missing something like that. It is a big deal for me. I love being there for him and being a supportive part of his military career. I love that I have been there to watch his career progress and his commitment to the Army continue. I really wished I was there for it this time. I wish I could have been able to stand next to him as he raised his right hand and swore to defend our country for 4 more years. I wish I could have been there to see it, to hear it, and to hug him afterwards and tell him how proud I was of him. I know I can say that now, through the computer, but it just isn't the same. I just didn't realize what milestones I would be missing out on. It was quite the eye opener for me today. It gave me a small insight into exactly how Ian must be feeling when he sees the pictures of our milestones without him in them.

To my husband: I am so proud of you and the amazing man, husband, father, and soldier that you are. I am sorry I wasn't there but I hope you know how much I wish I was there and how insanely proud of you I am . I have been given a glimpse and can begin to understand how missing as much as you do can be so hard, but you do it because you love us and love your country. I love you with all my heart and will always be standing behind you cheering you on..... Even from 7,000 miles away. I love you! ~Laura

Would a break really help my frustration level? I doubt it.

This is a post about my frustration level. So, let that be your warning now.

I have been having a lot of issues with being overly stressed and frustrated lately. I just keep having setback after setback. I can't seem to get a break and be able to take a chance to calm my nerves.

Let me explain what happened today to make me so frustrated. To start, I had a horrible day at work. In general it was just a frustrating day with everything I had to deal with and I feel like it just got worse from one minute to the next. Then after school, I had to deal with my own kids coming into my room, messing it up and creating chaos. They have been having this nasty habit of coming in my room and playing with EVERYTHING and messing it up completely. I have been trying hard to get them to understand that my classroom is not their personal playground. Though, to give them a bit of grace, it is rough being at school all day and then having to stay there for even longer while your mom works on her classroom stuff. They want to keep busy and I get that. I just want them to understand that my room has to be left relatively intact.

I was just at the end of my rope by the end of the day already. Then I got so frustrated with them because when I had to answer my phone to talk to a parent, I told them to be quiet because I had to take that call. However, when I started talking to the parent, my kids went nuts! They started yelling at each other and running around behind me! I was so upset with them. After I was done with the phone call, I made my kids sit in almost complete silence. They had to realize that the way they act is unacceptable.

So, on my way home, I thought to myself that I could use a break. Then I realized that a break wouldn't really help me. My issues would be right there when I came home. My son's behavior problems, daughters' attitudes, work issues, keeping my home clean, etc.... I have no one to defer to and ask for help with these issues and all those problems will be waiting for me when I get done with my "break."  Even while taking my "break" I am usually talking or thinking about my issues and trying to figure out how to fix it. I just don't see a benefit to taking the night off, getting a sitter to take care of the kids and spending all that money. Maybe that is the frustration talking, but all I see is an hour away from the family and then having to deal with just as much, or maybe even more depending on Daniel's behavior, when I come back. The rational side of me knows I need a break and need to take a deep breath, but I guess the irrational side is the one winning out right now. Who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and it will actually help. One can hope at least.

Seeing the signs

I know my kids miss their dad. That is a given. They miss him so much because he has always been that dad who is there for everything and misses nothing if he can help it. He is the dad that is reading to them, tucking them into bed, and playing with them in whatever sport they want him to play. He is the loving dad that gives great hugs and uses the words "I love you" frequently. There is definitely a lot to miss about him.

I knew they missed him, but it is the little things that are said or the little signs they give off that show the true feelings they have. Natalie is a daddy's girl and has always taken Ian's absences hard. Always. She misses him instantly and even before he leaves, she misses him. For the most part you can read her like a book. The other day, however, she just stopped in to say hi and give the school counselor a hug (she's been out on maternity leave until just recently). So she said hi, gave her a hug, and then started just talking about anything and everything (she gets that from me.... it's a gift). As she is talking, out of nowhere she starts crying and the real feelings start coming out. I was happy that she had someone to talk to other than me because I know how important it is to have someone else outside the situation tell you that it is ok to have the feelings you have.

Daniel, on the other hand, is showing a little differently. He is starting in the typical behavior issues and problems at school and home. We are working on it slowly but surely. The thing that he said tonight made me really realize how much his dad being gone is really bothering him. He told me he is building a robot (out of scrap pieces of cardboard... yup, he's a boy) and has been taking pieces of cardboard up to his room (he keeps asking me for a knife... ummm, no). So tonight he was talking about all the pieces to his robot and says that this month his robot will be a daddy robot. Then says, "Wait no, it will be for the whole year." That little statement showed me just how much he misses dad.

I am trying to help them through, and Ian is too, but sometimes I don't know what I can do to help. I am grateful for the people we have in our lives, like our pastor, friends, and my coworkers, that are always so willing to talk to the kids and play with them. They help more than I think they could ever know. Sometimes, mom listening just doesn't cut it. They need to tell someone else to feel validated. When they talk to me, well of course I am going to say they have every right to be sad or miss their daddy because I miss him too. When someone else outside the situation says that then it must be ok because they don't really miss Ian like we do. So it makes them feel better.

I am starting to realize that I need to watch out for these signs more because they aren't always so obvious. If I can see the subtle signs, then maybe I can help them or know of someone who can. Well, at least that is my latest goal. :-)

Proudly, I tell you all we have made it through a month. It has been a hard fought battle on our end, but we have come through the first month. We are taking it a day at a time and working hard on successfully making it through this one.

I Keep On Trying

I am thankful about how amazing my husband is. How much he understands and how much he does, even when he is 7,000+ miles away, talking to me through a video call. I am beyond lucky to have him as my partner and best friend in this life.

Today was our oldest daughter's 11th birthday. I took the day off because I had a few appointments in the morning and in the afternoon, I picked her up for lunch and pedicures. Her and I had a great time and she loved every minute of our time together. Ian sent her a present just from him, a camera. She has started really getting into photography and he and I really want to encourage it.

It was a rough start to the day because I had to go take care of my ticket (the first and hopefully only one I have ever gotten), and found out I was a day late in turning in my paperwork. So now, I don't know what I am going to do. Now, I have to go talk to a judge and explain why I was a day late with my paperwork. I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on at work, home, and the deployment, that I forgot and got the dates mixed up. I am just afraid that if I do take the time off to go see the judge, he is just going to yell at me and say I am making excuses and I will still end up losing all that money. So, when Ian called me around lunch time (our time), he saw there was something wrong in my face. He talked to Emily for a minute about her birthday and the present he sent for her, and then the conversation went to me. I told him about what happened at my doctor's appointment and what happened with my ticket. I thought he would get upset at me, because after all I was the one who forgot and got the dates wrong. Instead, he told me it was okay and that he understands that I have had a lot on my plate. He told me not to be so hard on myself. I just cried and told him I was sorry over and over again. He continued to console me and tell me it was just money and that we would be okay either way. The most important part to him was my well-being and that of our kids.

I am so blessed to have him. I say that over and over again because, it's true.
I feel like I keep trying and trying and I can't seem to win. He just continues to encourage me.
The more I try at work, the more issues I have. He tells me to keep fighting.
I try to do things for my kids, but end up forgetting everything else I am responsible for. He tells me that I will work it out.
I try to keep my commitments, but end up losing out on time with my kids or time for myself. He helps me find help so I can do everything for my kids and myself.
I try to be nice to people I think are friends, but end up being told something mean that hurts me. He tells me they don't know what they are talking about because I am beautiful inside and out.
I keep trying and it feels like I am running in place. Ian sees it and he is ever the optimist. He is always the one telling me what the upside is, how it could be perceived in a positive way, or helping me to realize that I am being really hard on myself. I am a mess, and he still loves me. I am a mess and he is still willing to help keep me going.

I will keep on trying because, in the end, I know my family is worth it. In the end, I know I am worth it. I am worth trying for. My family is worth working for. I will keep on trying because failure is not an option. I will keep on trying because I know God will not give up on me. I keep on trying because I am me, and it is what I do. I will keep on trying because I am an Army wife and we work hard to keep our families together despite the miles between us. I will keep on trying because what other choice is there? To give up? To let other beat me and help to ruin my family? To let the deployment win and break apart my marriage? Those are not acceptable choices. The ONLY choice I have is to keep trying and keep fighting for those I love, no matter what I have to do.

Here we go again

Well, I am back. I am starting up my deployment blog again because Ian has left again. It has been almost a month since he left, and I am just now starting to accept the fact that he is going to be gone for 8 more months. I have to be honest, it is a little bit of a relief to know that I "only" have 8 months left and that I have survived almost a month already.

This deployment, to me, seems so much harder than the last one. You would think that because we have been through it before and we know what to expect, that it would make it easier. Truth be told, it makes it just that much more difficult. Last time, the kids didn't really understand how long a year would really be. They didn't get what it would mean to have daddy miss all those holidays and birthdays until it actually happened. This time, they didn't need to be told. They knew exactly what we meant when we said daddy was deploying again. They knew it would mean that he would miss another birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, school awards ceremonies, plays, games, and recitals. They knew it from the moment we told them that Ian would deploy. The anticipation this time was so much worse than last time. The immediate effects of the deployment on the kids is so much more obvious. We are dealing with the behavior problems, the "I miss daddy", and the "I hate the Army" talks already. It has been a rough month.

I, on the other hand, was blind-sided by this deployment. When I say that I don't mean that I didn't know it was coming until right before it happened. I mean that I didn't realize how close it was until three days before he left. I was so focused on the baby steps leading up to it, that I didn't realize it was already on us until it was too late. Ian was in training until a month before his deployment, so I was waiting for him to come back. Once he got back, we were going on leave to visit his family for two weeks. Then, I had to start work and do the final touches on my classroom. Then, it was the first day/week of school that I needed to survive. I did that and then BAM! It was time to say "See you later" at 2am. I tried to hold it together this time. I tried not to completely lose it the night he left. I think I did pretty good. Did I cry? Of course I did, but it wasn't a sobbing meltdown there in front of Ian and the kids. I felt like I had to be strong for Ian and for the kids this time. Last time, it was Ian being strong for us. This time it was my turn because it was my husband needed from me to be able to leave us and go to war.

Not to whine too much, but this month has been hell. It has been stressful at work, the kids have been acting up, and I still can't sleep without my husband next to me. I know that within the next few months I will get used to sleeping without him and should start sleeping better. I hope the kids calm down a bit and their behavior gets better, but that is something we all have to work out together. I know that work will be work and I honestly don't see it getting any easier. Maybe, I will start getting yelled at less, but again, that is something I don't really know if it will or will not happen. I feel like I am treading water for now, with only occasional times where I sink. Though I can feel God calling me to swim harder and to trust him to be my life preserver. That is where my focus is at the moment: to let God be God and to give Him control and trust. Easier said than done, I know.

I do have to tell you that I have been surprised at the amount of support I have for this one, and from some unlikely sources. The friends I counted on last deployment felt like I left them once my husband came home and I started working last year. I tried not to but life happened, work, kids, reintegration, stress, home buying, etc. I just wasn't as connected with them as I should have been and that cost me some dear friends. So, coming into this deployment, I thought I was going to be utterly alone. That no one would be there for me and no one would help if I needed it. Thank God that I was wrong. I have a great group of friends that are mostly from work that have stepped up to help me out. They have been supportive and flat out amazing. My best friend in the world helped me out and supported me the night Ian left and every day since letting me vent on the phone. Other friends have volunteered to help me with my kids and anything else they can, and have meant it. They are all constantly asking how I am, and I really appreciate it. It has been one of those things that have helped make this deployment look like it can be survived. It has renewed my own self-esteem knowing that I still have some friends who love my family and me and are willing to be there for me. I have even seen some repairs happening in some of the friendships I have lost, thank God for that.

All in all, I am surviving this deployment so far, though much more roughly. I will be writing in here when I can, or when I think I actually have something to write about. I had a few people tell me they didn't like that I left the blog unfinished at the end of the deployment. So, I think I am going to publish the draft I started and finish it up with some reintegration info.

Thank you all for sticking with me and reading. Hopefully you will hear from me again soon.