Today was a good, busy day. I got to Skype with my husband and that was AMAZING! I love talking to him. No matter how much or how little we talk, we always have something to say. I hate to brag, but my husband and I have a truly great marriage. He really is my best friend, my safe harbor, and I am his. So, yeah, we had a great talk about everything under the sun. After that, I sat at home and set out a detailed plan of attack for the budget, my grocery list, and the kids' needs. I think it will help me stick to the budget if I do insane details on it. I then went shopping at the PX to buy the kids some nice, sturdy water bottles that they can take to school everyday. The ones they have are dollar store water bottles and they really don't seal up that well. They need water bottles at school, so I didn't mind using some of the spending money to get them decent water bottles. After the PX, I went to the commissary. That was fun! (sarcastic tone implied) Yeah, the commissary on payday, what a mess. You had to bring a cart in from the parking lot because there weren't enough in or around the actual building. Luckily, I survived. I made it through without too much hassle and kept it pretty close to on point with the budget. I then went home, unloaded groceries, and went to pick up the kids from school.
It was a good afternoon with them and after dinner we went to my church's women's bible study. I love being around phenomenal women like them and it is great to have people to pray with you about any worries or concerns you have. It was a great night.
Apparently, I have found out over the past few weeks, that I have rubbed a few people the wrong way. They don't like my blog, my Facebook, me, or a combination of the three. I have told those that have actually came up to me to talk to me about it that I will not apologize for who I am. I am a strong woman. I am an Army wife who is extremely proud and very much in love with her soldier husband. I am a good mother to three wonderful kids who can drive me crazy, but in the end are respectful and loving children. I speak my mind on Facebook and my blog, and even in person if you ask me. I am a woman of God, who loves her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I praise Him for everything He has given me and I pray often for the safety and well-being of my husband, children, and extended family. I am a good friend to those that are good friends to me. I am respectful and polite even to those who do not afford me the same courtesy. I am a passionate person and a protective one at that. This is me. Love me, hate me, dislike me. That is fine. But I will not apologize for being myself. If/when I have offended someone, I will gladly talk to them about it and will either explain or make amends as the situation calls for. But if you don't like me because I say how much I love and miss my husband, or because I brag about how great my children are, or because I say what I am feeling in my deployment blog, then, sorry, but I will not apologize for being me. I will not change. And I never once told you that you had to read what I write or agree with me. The only thing I ask of anyone who wants to be in my life, is that you just have to accept me. Accept that I am going to rub you the wrong way at least once, because, guess what, that is human nature. I can also gurantee that if you decide that you want to be friends, I can be a pretty awesome friend. If you don't want to be friends, that is ok too. It is your loss not mine.
I am just tired of people expecting me to apologize for being myself and for sharing my thoughts and feelings in various different forums. I don't mean to rant, but I am done being told that I write about missing my husband too much. That I need to dial back my feelings, fears, concerns, elation, etc. I just won't do it and I won't apologize for it. I am Army WIFE strong, and I can handle a few complaints.
Another day is done. I am now another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Day 69: Children can be quite the leaders
Today has been quite the emotional day. I am a little too emotional right now to blog, because, once it is out there, I can't take it back. So, I am going to keep this short today.
Yesterday, my son went out to the backyard at 5pm and I went out looking for him. I found him standing stark still, saluting because it was the sounding of retreat. He knows that everyday at 5pm when retreat sounds, that his daddy would be standing up saluting the flag. Daniel now does that almost everyday. As soon as he hears it, he disappears to go outside. It doesn't matter if his favorite show is on TV, he still runs outside as soon as he hears it. Some of the time I miss it until he comes back inside. Other times I stand there and watch in awed silence as my son stands at attention to remember his dad. It truly is amazing to watch my son do something that shows his love and support for his dad.
There is something to be learned from my son. I have learned that showing your love and support is not always through care packages or tears, or holding a photograph or carrying a yellow ribbon. It can be something as simple as remembering him at a specific time every day. It does not have to be sad, but can be something you do with pride. You remember the one you love, you miss him, and yet, you show pride in that memory of him and wait, standing tall and strong for his return. My son has a simple way of remembering his dad. His way of staying connected to Ian. It happens at 5 o'clock every day. And everyday my little 4 year old stands proud and strong to salute his dad (and little does he know, but also everything his dad fights for) until his dad comes home again.
Another day, good, bad or indifferent, is done. Another day I have gone closer to seeing the love of my life again. I can not wait for that sweet reunion.
Yesterday, my son went out to the backyard at 5pm and I went out looking for him. I found him standing stark still, saluting because it was the sounding of retreat. He knows that everyday at 5pm when retreat sounds, that his daddy would be standing up saluting the flag. Daniel now does that almost everyday. As soon as he hears it, he disappears to go outside. It doesn't matter if his favorite show is on TV, he still runs outside as soon as he hears it. Some of the time I miss it until he comes back inside. Other times I stand there and watch in awed silence as my son stands at attention to remember his dad. It truly is amazing to watch my son do something that shows his love and support for his dad.
There is something to be learned from my son. I have learned that showing your love and support is not always through care packages or tears, or holding a photograph or carrying a yellow ribbon. It can be something as simple as remembering him at a specific time every day. It does not have to be sad, but can be something you do with pride. You remember the one you love, you miss him, and yet, you show pride in that memory of him and wait, standing tall and strong for his return. My son has a simple way of remembering his dad. His way of staying connected to Ian. It happens at 5 o'clock every day. And everyday my little 4 year old stands proud and strong to salute his dad (and little does he know, but also everything his dad fights for) until his dad comes home again.
Another day, good, bad or indifferent, is done. Another day I have gone closer to seeing the love of my life again. I can not wait for that sweet reunion.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day 68: And guilt makes it's appearance
Today turned into an unexpected good day. I went to bed last night thinking of one more Hail Mary kind of play to help me get my transcript so I can become a substitute teacher. I didn't think it would work, but, what is the worst that could happen? I get told no? Ok. So I had to wait until after 10am to call the teacher certification program that I applied for a month ago, who I gave my last transcript to. I called them to see if there was any way I could get my transcript back and order a new one just for them. I was shocked and elated when she said, "Sure. That is easy! Just make sure you order a new one for us and I will just make a copy of the one we have for now." I couldn't stop thanking her. So, I got ready, drove the 30 min to get it (well worth it) and drove back to turn it in. It literally took 30 seconds to turn it in, for the lady to make a copy, and hand it back to me! It felt a little anti-climactic. But, either way, it was done. I got a call later in the day telling me they reviewed my transcripts and they want me to come in for the training on Thursday and then will interview me! I am so excited! I had beat myself up all weekend and had pretty much come to terms with the fact that I screwed up and would not be subbing for a while. So, when this all actually worked out, I could do nothing but thank God over and over. I know He helped me through this. Not because I deserve it, but because He loves me. In all honesty, it would have been a "tough love" kind of learning experience if it hadn't worked out, but God showed me His mercy and love. Now, I did learn from this. I need to work harder on remembering things and not take on so much that I stress myself out. But the fact that I learned the hard way without my family suffering for it was truly amazing.
Today has been another one of those days that I am thinking about Ian constantly and missing the feel of his arms around me. I miss the sound of his voice in the house and the smell of his sweaty self coming home from work at night. I am missing him. I think the song, "Remind Me" by Brad Paisly and Carrie Underwood really set me off when I heard it today. I had already been thinking about Ian and that song came on the radio. Basically it is a couple talking about how in love they used to be and all the things they used to do together, then asking each other to "remind me." I thought of how lucky I was that Ian and I are still very much love each other and want to be together. This, however, is where the guilt kicks in. It is normal (from what I have heard) for Army wives to feel guilty after their husbands leave for all the "wasted time." The time getting into those stupid fights because the deployment was looming and stress was at it's peak. The times when you were just too mad to spend time together or just relax in each others arms. Well, that is where I am at right now. My guilt doesn't stem from fighting, because Ian and I didn't fight before he left. Our fights are few and far between, so that was not something I was feeling bad about. No, what I was feeling guilty for was every time I have ever told him not to touch me. Now, you have to understand, Ian's "love language" is physical contact. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, that is how you say "I love you" to him. I, however, am not a physical person. So there have been times when I am standing in the kitchen, doing the dishes, and he walks up behind me to give me a hug. Well, I am in the middle of doing something so I tell him that I love him, but he needs to let me do what I am doing. Most of the time, he would keep on me until I took a break, smiled, and just let him hold me, because he knew that was what I needed. Some of the times though, I was just cranky. It is looking back on those times that I now feel guilty. Right now, I would give just about anything to have him here, putting his arms around me, and keeping me from doing the housework. I would give just about anything for that simple physical contact he always wanted. I miss it. I miss him.
It really is amazing how deployment puts everything into sharp focus. If your marriage is good, it highlights the good, it makes it stronger. If your marriage is not so good, it keeps pushing it farther down. The saying that "Distance and separation are like wind to a flame: it extinguishes the weak, and feeds the strong" is so true. I feel like even though I have these type of feelings sometimes, our relationship, our friendship, and our marriage are growing even stronger through this trial the Army calls a deployment.
One more day done, one day closer to feeling his arms around me once again.
Today has been another one of those days that I am thinking about Ian constantly and missing the feel of his arms around me. I miss the sound of his voice in the house and the smell of his sweaty self coming home from work at night. I am missing him. I think the song, "Remind Me" by Brad Paisly and Carrie Underwood really set me off when I heard it today. I had already been thinking about Ian and that song came on the radio. Basically it is a couple talking about how in love they used to be and all the things they used to do together, then asking each other to "remind me." I thought of how lucky I was that Ian and I are still very much love each other and want to be together. This, however, is where the guilt kicks in. It is normal (from what I have heard) for Army wives to feel guilty after their husbands leave for all the "wasted time." The time getting into those stupid fights because the deployment was looming and stress was at it's peak. The times when you were just too mad to spend time together or just relax in each others arms. Well, that is where I am at right now. My guilt doesn't stem from fighting, because Ian and I didn't fight before he left. Our fights are few and far between, so that was not something I was feeling bad about. No, what I was feeling guilty for was every time I have ever told him not to touch me. Now, you have to understand, Ian's "love language" is physical contact. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, that is how you say "I love you" to him. I, however, am not a physical person. So there have been times when I am standing in the kitchen, doing the dishes, and he walks up behind me to give me a hug. Well, I am in the middle of doing something so I tell him that I love him, but he needs to let me do what I am doing. Most of the time, he would keep on me until I took a break, smiled, and just let him hold me, because he knew that was what I needed. Some of the times though, I was just cranky. It is looking back on those times that I now feel guilty. Right now, I would give just about anything to have him here, putting his arms around me, and keeping me from doing the housework. I would give just about anything for that simple physical contact he always wanted. I miss it. I miss him.
It really is amazing how deployment puts everything into sharp focus. If your marriage is good, it highlights the good, it makes it stronger. If your marriage is not so good, it keeps pushing it farther down. The saying that "Distance and separation are like wind to a flame: it extinguishes the weak, and feeds the strong" is so true. I feel like even though I have these type of feelings sometimes, our relationship, our friendship, and our marriage are growing even stronger through this trial the Army calls a deployment.
One more day done, one day closer to feeling his arms around me once again.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Day 67: How Busy is Too Busy
Today is Sunday. The one day out of the week that shows me how much I am missing Ian. I hate going to church alone and doing everything with the kids alone. It just sucks.
Ian called this morning over Skype and talked to the kids. It was quite an entertaining conversation. They talked about everything and the kids acted goofy on camera. Ian was eating it up. It was refreshing for the kids to be able to talk to Ian since they haven't been able to talk to him for the majority of the week. It was a good conversation for all of us. Unfortunately, we had to end it when we had to leave for church. It was my turn in the nursery which meant I have to be there at 9am. Church itself was good. Nursery for second service was fun. After church, I went over to a friend's house to get her husband to look at my van. My A/C went out yesterday as I was delivering cakes. So, of course, since I had a friend to look at it, it decided to start working again. He looked at it anyways, but couldn't see a problem. So, for now, I will be driving it around until it decides to go out again to have my friend look at it again.
After lunch, I took the girls to their swim lessons and swam with the Daniel. It was insanely fun to swim with him and he got some fun mommy time. After the lesson we swam for a few extra minutes, but wanted to get home because I was extremely tired and the sun and I do not exactly get along. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and relaxing. Overall, not a bad day.
Over the past week, a lot has gone wrong at the exact time that I have been insanely busy. One key thing any military wife will tell you to do during a deployment is to stay busy. The question is, how busy is too busy? This week I had 4 cakes to make, an insane amount of housework to do, having to get the kids into the routine of school, and my church activities. It has been super busy week. So, that is the problem of the day. Because of my super busy schedule, coupled with my already crappy memory, I let a very important detail needed for a job slip out of my mind. So, I really need to figure out a balance of staying busy but not losing my mind. Problem is, all the things I have volunteered to do are things I love. All the things that I will soon be doing (not just the volunteering) are for my future job. I feel like I really can't give up anything, but I know I can maybe take it in on a smaller scale. We will see how that goes.
Another day, another weekend, gone. Just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
Ian called this morning over Skype and talked to the kids. It was quite an entertaining conversation. They talked about everything and the kids acted goofy on camera. Ian was eating it up. It was refreshing for the kids to be able to talk to Ian since they haven't been able to talk to him for the majority of the week. It was a good conversation for all of us. Unfortunately, we had to end it when we had to leave for church. It was my turn in the nursery which meant I have to be there at 9am. Church itself was good. Nursery for second service was fun. After church, I went over to a friend's house to get her husband to look at my van. My A/C went out yesterday as I was delivering cakes. So, of course, since I had a friend to look at it, it decided to start working again. He looked at it anyways, but couldn't see a problem. So, for now, I will be driving it around until it decides to go out again to have my friend look at it again.
After lunch, I took the girls to their swim lessons and swam with the Daniel. It was insanely fun to swim with him and he got some fun mommy time. After the lesson we swam for a few extra minutes, but wanted to get home because I was extremely tired and the sun and I do not exactly get along. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and relaxing. Overall, not a bad day.
Over the past week, a lot has gone wrong at the exact time that I have been insanely busy. One key thing any military wife will tell you to do during a deployment is to stay busy. The question is, how busy is too busy? This week I had 4 cakes to make, an insane amount of housework to do, having to get the kids into the routine of school, and my church activities. It has been super busy week. So, that is the problem of the day. Because of my super busy schedule, coupled with my already crappy memory, I let a very important detail needed for a job slip out of my mind. So, I really need to figure out a balance of staying busy but not losing my mind. Problem is, all the things I have volunteered to do are things I love. All the things that I will soon be doing (not just the volunteering) are for my future job. I feel like I really can't give up anything, but I know I can maybe take it in on a smaller scale. We will see how that goes.
Another day, another weekend, gone. Just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
Day 66: The Silent Ranks
So, tonight will be short because I am beyond exhausted. Basically I stayed up until 3:30am to work on those cakes, didn't get the done, so I had to get back up by 8 to finish them in time. So, here are the pictures of what kept me last night. Also, below the pictures is a poem I have seen many times, and still love it. I hope you enjoy the poem and pictures.
The Silent Ranks
Author: Unknown
I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Day 65: Pity Party of 1 Your Table is Ready (posted late)
Yes, today was my own personal pity party. It was the day that actually started last night with the A/C not working and just continued downhill for the most part. I woke up this morning and my A/C was actually working! So, I was excited about that. I didn't know if it would last, so I held off a little bit longer than I should have to bake the cakes I have due tomorrow.... See the foreshadowing here?
So, the A/C guy comes, looks at the filters, said that was the problem, replaced them, and left. I was grateful it was that simple and that all I had to do was keep the upstairs one off for a few extra hours and let it thaw out all the way, and then it would be good to go too. So, just as he was leaving, Ian called.
So I talked to Ian for a little while about everything that was going on, like the A/C unit, the cakes I have due, the "too much month at the end of our money" problem, and the fact that if I wanted to get a job as a substitute teacher, I would have to order transcripts to be mailed overnight. I was just feeling crappy. Everything had felt like it was conspiring against me and my mental well being. I was concerned that Ian would be upset because of the fact that I was just not able to save and pay down as many things this month as we were hoping. I was feeling sorry for myself for something that had never happened, and was not happening now. I apologized a lot and Ian kept telling me it was ok. He knows how I am, so he knew what to say. He knew that I needed him to just tell me it would be ok and I needed him to actively help me fix the budget gaps. I also needed to hear him tell me that he wouldn't be mad if we didn't get as much paid down this deployment like we had hoped. I was having a pity party, and Ian was a gracious host. He helped me through it an comforted me. Man, am I ever so lucky to have him.
After that conversation, I started to bake. I have 3 cakes to do, one of them be two, double-layered tiers. So, I got two of the cakes baked by about 1:30pm and realized that I did not have enough eggs for the third cake (required 3 cake mixes). I was about to head to the grocery store when I got a call from the pest control guy. He wasn't supposed to be here until between 3 and 5, but wanted to know if he could come earlier. I didn't have a problem with it, especially since I would not have to try and keep kids out of his way. So, he came, took care of the ant problem, and left. By the time he left, I had about 10 minutes before I had to go get the kids, which is not enough time to go to the commissary. So, I talked with my best friend on the phone and headed for school. Right around the time I hit the school, I realized I forgot to email in an important document that was needed by 3.... and it was 3:05pm. That one piece of paper would have helped me get a job as a substitute teacher, now, I won't get it. So, that was a huge downward spiral of the day. And it just kept going. I was so frantically trying to get the cakes baked and iced and then feed the kids at the same time. It was all just maddening.
The pity party rolled on. This time, without Ian to temper it a little. I was frustrated, stressed about the cakes, and just mad at myself. I would love to tell you that I was a big girl, really strong and all, and decided to pull myself out of it. But, really, I can't tell you that. My pity party was quite impressive. It spanned most of the day, and into the early morning hours. The funny part is, most of the day there really is no focus for my outstanding pity party. Hopefully, I will be able to pull myself out of it. Probably when I have these cakes done and my kitchen cleaned back up, I will be able to have a plan of attack for all these things that have gone so awry which should help pull me out of my party for one.
One more day gone, another day closer to seeing the love of my life.
So, the A/C guy comes, looks at the filters, said that was the problem, replaced them, and left. I was grateful it was that simple and that all I had to do was keep the upstairs one off for a few extra hours and let it thaw out all the way, and then it would be good to go too. So, just as he was leaving, Ian called.
So I talked to Ian for a little while about everything that was going on, like the A/C unit, the cakes I have due, the "too much month at the end of our money" problem, and the fact that if I wanted to get a job as a substitute teacher, I would have to order transcripts to be mailed overnight. I was just feeling crappy. Everything had felt like it was conspiring against me and my mental well being. I was concerned that Ian would be upset because of the fact that I was just not able to save and pay down as many things this month as we were hoping. I was feeling sorry for myself for something that had never happened, and was not happening now. I apologized a lot and Ian kept telling me it was ok. He knows how I am, so he knew what to say. He knew that I needed him to just tell me it would be ok and I needed him to actively help me fix the budget gaps. I also needed to hear him tell me that he wouldn't be mad if we didn't get as much paid down this deployment like we had hoped. I was having a pity party, and Ian was a gracious host. He helped me through it an comforted me. Man, am I ever so lucky to have him.
After that conversation, I started to bake. I have 3 cakes to do, one of them be two, double-layered tiers. So, I got two of the cakes baked by about 1:30pm and realized that I did not have enough eggs for the third cake (required 3 cake mixes). I was about to head to the grocery store when I got a call from the pest control guy. He wasn't supposed to be here until between 3 and 5, but wanted to know if he could come earlier. I didn't have a problem with it, especially since I would not have to try and keep kids out of his way. So, he came, took care of the ant problem, and left. By the time he left, I had about 10 minutes before I had to go get the kids, which is not enough time to go to the commissary. So, I talked with my best friend on the phone and headed for school. Right around the time I hit the school, I realized I forgot to email in an important document that was needed by 3.... and it was 3:05pm. That one piece of paper would have helped me get a job as a substitute teacher, now, I won't get it. So, that was a huge downward spiral of the day. And it just kept going. I was so frantically trying to get the cakes baked and iced and then feed the kids at the same time. It was all just maddening.
The pity party rolled on. This time, without Ian to temper it a little. I was frustrated, stressed about the cakes, and just mad at myself. I would love to tell you that I was a big girl, really strong and all, and decided to pull myself out of it. But, really, I can't tell you that. My pity party was quite impressive. It spanned most of the day, and into the early morning hours. The funny part is, most of the day there really is no focus for my outstanding pity party. Hopefully, I will be able to pull myself out of it. Probably when I have these cakes done and my kitchen cleaned back up, I will be able to have a plan of attack for all these things that have gone so awry which should help pull me out of my party for one.
One more day gone, another day closer to seeing the love of my life.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Day 64: Murphy and his oh-so-fun law
What a day. It was an ok day up until about 3:00pm. After I got back from picking up the kids, I realized it was much hotter in the house than usual. So, I checked the thermostat. Yeah, it was 10 degrees hotter than usual downstairs, and 15 degrees hotter than usual upstairs. I then felt the vents, and found they were pushing out very little air. So, I turned of the A/C for a few minutes in hopes of resetting the system and getting it going again. That didn't work. So, I called maintenance and they said someone will be here in the next 24 hours to fix it. So, I ended up going out to dinner because it is way too hot in the house to cook. So, I had to take money that wasn't in the budget so we could go out to eat and sit in a cool restaurant. I was hoping that when we got home, that the system would have reset itself and that it would be cooler in the house. No such luck. So, here I sit, in a hot house trying to get the kids to sleep. I don't know how well I will sleep just because I can't sleep when I am hot. So, tonight should basically go like any other night for me.
I have to say that I am so extremely frustrated with this deployment. It feels like I have had to deal with things breaking left and right lately; between having to put the dog down, the fire alarms, the car I need to get looked at, the issues with CYS and the school I have had to deal with, and now the A/C. I know it is all in my head and it isn't that bad, but I feel a little overwhelmed. I am trying to stay calm and not get too overwhelmed about everything breaking, but Murphy and his oh-so-fun law are having quite a good laugh at me right now. Especially since I have two cakes I have to make by tomorrow night, running the stove will make it absolutely miserable in here. As with everything, though, I will get through it. My kids and I will survive this heat in our house with cool showers, ice water, and popsicles. It won't be the most comfortable, but hopefully housing comes through for us and gets here first thing in the morning before the heat cranks up to the 105 degrees we are expected to have tomorrow.
Today has made me appreciate my A/C a little more. A few weeks ago, my husband had to stay in a building in Afghanistan without A/C or anything. I understood how comfortable he was because I grew up with a swamp cooler that didn't always cool the whole house. Now, though, I really get it. It is now a part of my recent memory, especially watching my kids sweat through it and my poor dogs panting like crazy through it. A/C is an awesome thing that I am so grateful to have, when it is working.
Military spouses have always said nothing happens until after the husband deploys. Ha ha ha! They are sooo right! Though that seems to be the case, there is a benefit to being an Army wife. The benefit is that you have your own extension of your family right around you. Because of that, I know that if my A/C is not restored tomorrow, I can probably go to a friend's house and hang out and use them for their A/C while the kids are at school enjoying their A/C. :-) Or, I can go to the store and maybe have a friend with me at the same time to keep me company. Who knows? I just know that if I need help, I have a few people to ask and a few people I can count on to be there for me, and that is awesome to have during a deployment. My own personal support group. And I do have to say this, my little group of friends support me a whole lot better than the FRG for my husband's unit, but that is another blog for another day.
Another day gone, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
I have to say that I am so extremely frustrated with this deployment. It feels like I have had to deal with things breaking left and right lately; between having to put the dog down, the fire alarms, the car I need to get looked at, the issues with CYS and the school I have had to deal with, and now the A/C. I know it is all in my head and it isn't that bad, but I feel a little overwhelmed. I am trying to stay calm and not get too overwhelmed about everything breaking, but Murphy and his oh-so-fun law are having quite a good laugh at me right now. Especially since I have two cakes I have to make by tomorrow night, running the stove will make it absolutely miserable in here. As with everything, though, I will get through it. My kids and I will survive this heat in our house with cool showers, ice water, and popsicles. It won't be the most comfortable, but hopefully housing comes through for us and gets here first thing in the morning before the heat cranks up to the 105 degrees we are expected to have tomorrow.
Today has made me appreciate my A/C a little more. A few weeks ago, my husband had to stay in a building in Afghanistan without A/C or anything. I understood how comfortable he was because I grew up with a swamp cooler that didn't always cool the whole house. Now, though, I really get it. It is now a part of my recent memory, especially watching my kids sweat through it and my poor dogs panting like crazy through it. A/C is an awesome thing that I am so grateful to have, when it is working.
Military spouses have always said nothing happens until after the husband deploys. Ha ha ha! They are sooo right! Though that seems to be the case, there is a benefit to being an Army wife. The benefit is that you have your own extension of your family right around you. Because of that, I know that if my A/C is not restored tomorrow, I can probably go to a friend's house and hang out and use them for their A/C while the kids are at school enjoying their A/C. :-) Or, I can go to the store and maybe have a friend with me at the same time to keep me company. Who knows? I just know that if I need help, I have a few people to ask and a few people I can count on to be there for me, and that is awesome to have during a deployment. My own personal support group. And I do have to say this, my little group of friends support me a whole lot better than the FRG for my husband's unit, but that is another blog for another day.
Another day gone, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day 63: Trying not to stop life
Today was pretty relaxing for me. After my busy day yesterday with the cake, I decided today would be a day that I cleaned and maybe rested. I delivered the cake I made and the mother was so grateful! She was tearing up because she thought it looked good and knew her son would love it. I got to see a picture of the birthday boy's smile when he saw his cake and it made all the hard work worth it. I then came home with the intention of cleaning up a little and then relaxing. I ended up being so tired from getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night that I decided to just relax, watch a few shows and then I took an awesome nap. I picked up the kids at school and when we got home the kids were pretty much set on pushing my buttons. I asked them to clean up their rooms and they fought me every step of the way. I got my stuff done, but it was a bit painful trying to get them to do their chores. Just one of those days.
Tonight, I am thinking about a problem that has come up that I did not expect. I thought that the kids would do better with Ian's deployment once school started. I had hoped that they would be distracted by school and that not being around the house all day would help them. Well, I am not sure if that assumption will prove true. The problem we are running into is that Ian is only really able to call during the day, mostly in the morning right now, or late at night. It is becoming a problem because the kids want to talk to Ian and wonder if he called while they were at school. Now, the only time the kids can talk to him is on the weekend. Here lies the dillemma that I am dealing with. Currently I am volunteering at church in the nursery. I do this every other weekend and have to be there for the 9am service and work the 11am service, so basically I am unavailable from 8:45am-1pm. This leaves no time for my husband to call and talk to the kids. So, my problem is, I am thinking about stepping back from volunteering right now so that my kids have an opportunity to talk to Ian whenever he is able to call. The flip-side of that coin is that if I do that it might seem as though I am putting life on hold to wait for a phone call. It is a hard line to walk- between living life as normal and being available to talk to Ian. I am mostly worried that the kids are going to start having troubles and not enjoying school because they aren't able to talk to daddy except maybe on Saturdays. My oldest has already said how much it "sucks" that she is in school when daddy calls.
So, how do you walk that line. How do you keep yourself available for phone calls and still do the things you have always done? Problem is, I don't know. I know that my husband's schedule might change and the times that he can call will probably change too. I just know that right now, the kids come home every day and ask if daddy called and if he is going to call when they are home. Every time I tell them no, their face falls. They beg me to wake them up in the middle of the night if their daddy calls. Of course, I can't do that. They need their sleep. So, what do I do? Do I step back from nursery giving an extra 2 hours of calling time for the kids to possibly hear from Ian? Or do I keep doing what I am doing and hope it gets easier? I don't know. I will have to pray about it and think about it. I just want to do what is best for my kids and help them get through this deployment. I hate having to make a decision like this, because either way, I am going to have to let someone down.
Goodbye August 24th! It was nice, but you have to go because I want to be one day closer to seeing my man again!
Tonight, I am thinking about a problem that has come up that I did not expect. I thought that the kids would do better with Ian's deployment once school started. I had hoped that they would be distracted by school and that not being around the house all day would help them. Well, I am not sure if that assumption will prove true. The problem we are running into is that Ian is only really able to call during the day, mostly in the morning right now, or late at night. It is becoming a problem because the kids want to talk to Ian and wonder if he called while they were at school. Now, the only time the kids can talk to him is on the weekend. Here lies the dillemma that I am dealing with. Currently I am volunteering at church in the nursery. I do this every other weekend and have to be there for the 9am service and work the 11am service, so basically I am unavailable from 8:45am-1pm. This leaves no time for my husband to call and talk to the kids. So, my problem is, I am thinking about stepping back from volunteering right now so that my kids have an opportunity to talk to Ian whenever he is able to call. The flip-side of that coin is that if I do that it might seem as though I am putting life on hold to wait for a phone call. It is a hard line to walk- between living life as normal and being available to talk to Ian. I am mostly worried that the kids are going to start having troubles and not enjoying school because they aren't able to talk to daddy except maybe on Saturdays. My oldest has already said how much it "sucks" that she is in school when daddy calls.
So, how do you walk that line. How do you keep yourself available for phone calls and still do the things you have always done? Problem is, I don't know. I know that my husband's schedule might change and the times that he can call will probably change too. I just know that right now, the kids come home every day and ask if daddy called and if he is going to call when they are home. Every time I tell them no, their face falls. They beg me to wake them up in the middle of the night if their daddy calls. Of course, I can't do that. They need their sleep. So, what do I do? Do I step back from nursery giving an extra 2 hours of calling time for the kids to possibly hear from Ian? Or do I keep doing what I am doing and hope it gets easier? I don't know. I will have to pray about it and think about it. I just want to do what is best for my kids and help them get through this deployment. I hate having to make a decision like this, because either way, I am going to have to let someone down.
Goodbye August 24th! It was nice, but you have to go because I want to be one day closer to seeing my man again!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Day 62: My Soapbox
Today was a busy day. The past two days have been busy. I thought once the kids went off to school that I would be able to relax and get the house recovered from summer, but I haven't really had much of a chance for that. It is really my own fault because I volunteered to make a few cakes for kids whose families can't afford them. This week I have three to make. One is due tomorrow and I was going to start it tonight and finish it in the morning, but I ended up being too excited about it and just kept working. It turned out pretty good!
So, I am going to get on a bit of a soapbox.... FAIR WARNING.
I was talking to another Army wife a few days ago about Ian being deployed and the fact that she has "been there, done that." She started talking about how when her husband deployed she deleted a lot of people off her Facebook because they would "whine" about how much they missed their husbands. She is not talking about her military friends, but her civilian ones. The ones who miss their husband because they are gone for a week at a business conference in Las Vegas, or visiting family in New York. It irritates her when civilians complain that their husbands are gone for such a short amount of time in a cushy hotel room, when hers is gone for a year and at war. I get that. I get that she would look at those people and say, "Really? Can you even comprehend what it is like to have your husband in a war zone for a year?" Sometimes, I want to say that to those people in my life. Here comes the but. I try not to think that way. I know that everyone has a right to miss their husband, whether for a weekend, a week, a month, or a year. We all have that right. I won't get mad at someone for expressing their love for their husband and the fact that they miss him. I know when I would whine about missing my husband when he was off training, I got more than a few, "Well, at least he isn't deployed like mine is" type of statements. It made me feel like me missing my husband was insignificant because he was not deployed and theirs was. So them missing their husband was more important than me missing mine. So, I try not to do that to other people.
Now, don't get me wrong. I personally think that a wife going through deployment has a lot more reasons to be anxious, worried, and sad about their soldier's absence. Before my husband deployed, but was gone for a few weeks training, I realized how lucky I was. Yes, my husband was gone. Yes, I missed him. But I knew he was safe. He was able to call me whenever he was out of class. If there was a serious emergency, he could be home in matter of hours, not days. Seeing and hearing what my friends were going through with their deployments made me more appreciative of my husband being on the same continent. So, I think, that is what military wives want. I don't think that the majority of them believe that you have no right to miss your husband. I think they just want you to be grateful for having your husband close and only gone for a short amount of time. I think they want you to know that they are missing their husbands for all of our freedoms and that it is difficult. I think they want you to be supportive of our military, their families, and recognize true sacrifice.
Sometimes, I will admit, it is hard. It is hard to hear or read people prattle about insignificant little things, when I am here crying because my husband is in harms way and trying to keep a brave face in place for my kids when they are inconsolable. It is hard to put on a happy face and tell someone that the fact that their husband is gone for the weekend sucks and that you are sorry they miss him. When all you really want to do is slap her and ask if she has any idea who you are married to. "Do you know what I am going through right now? Do you understand what war and deployment mean?" It is hard to hear about a parent talk about how difficult it will be to get their kids the one birthday present or party they want, when all my kids want is their daddy for their birthday or to even just have him at the party, and I can't give that. It is hard to put on the happy face in that case. However, the world does not revolve around me or comes to a screeching halt because my husband is gone. Time marches on, just like I do.
I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone, military or civilian, no matter their separation length or place, has a right to their feelings. Everyone has a right to miss the ones they love. So, military wives, don't be so sensitive, civilians can sympathize, but unless they are former military wives, they can't fully empathize with us. They can't be walking on egg shells around you and worried that you will get hurt if they talk about their life, good, bad or indifferent. And civilian people out there, if you have a military wife or two in your circle of friends, give them a break. Don't take it too personally when they snap at you because they haven't seen their husbands in almost a year, and you are worried about a weekend. Or when they tell you to quit complaining that your husband doesn't help out enough around the house... They wish theirs was there to even help out a little, or not at all, so long as he is safe in their arms.
I will try to control myself, but I will be honest, I am one that you might have to be patient with too :-).
Well, another day has come and gone. Another day in the past, which means I am one day closer to the future I desire most. Reunion!
So, I am going to get on a bit of a soapbox.... FAIR WARNING.
I was talking to another Army wife a few days ago about Ian being deployed and the fact that she has "been there, done that." She started talking about how when her husband deployed she deleted a lot of people off her Facebook because they would "whine" about how much they missed their husbands. She is not talking about her military friends, but her civilian ones. The ones who miss their husband because they are gone for a week at a business conference in Las Vegas, or visiting family in New York. It irritates her when civilians complain that their husbands are gone for such a short amount of time in a cushy hotel room, when hers is gone for a year and at war. I get that. I get that she would look at those people and say, "Really? Can you even comprehend what it is like to have your husband in a war zone for a year?" Sometimes, I want to say that to those people in my life. Here comes the but. I try not to think that way. I know that everyone has a right to miss their husband, whether for a weekend, a week, a month, or a year. We all have that right. I won't get mad at someone for expressing their love for their husband and the fact that they miss him. I know when I would whine about missing my husband when he was off training, I got more than a few, "Well, at least he isn't deployed like mine is" type of statements. It made me feel like me missing my husband was insignificant because he was not deployed and theirs was. So them missing their husband was more important than me missing mine. So, I try not to do that to other people.
Now, don't get me wrong. I personally think that a wife going through deployment has a lot more reasons to be anxious, worried, and sad about their soldier's absence. Before my husband deployed, but was gone for a few weeks training, I realized how lucky I was. Yes, my husband was gone. Yes, I missed him. But I knew he was safe. He was able to call me whenever he was out of class. If there was a serious emergency, he could be home in matter of hours, not days. Seeing and hearing what my friends were going through with their deployments made me more appreciative of my husband being on the same continent. So, I think, that is what military wives want. I don't think that the majority of them believe that you have no right to miss your husband. I think they just want you to be grateful for having your husband close and only gone for a short amount of time. I think they want you to know that they are missing their husbands for all of our freedoms and that it is difficult. I think they want you to be supportive of our military, their families, and recognize true sacrifice.
Sometimes, I will admit, it is hard. It is hard to hear or read people prattle about insignificant little things, when I am here crying because my husband is in harms way and trying to keep a brave face in place for my kids when they are inconsolable. It is hard to put on a happy face and tell someone that the fact that their husband is gone for the weekend sucks and that you are sorry they miss him. When all you really want to do is slap her and ask if she has any idea who you are married to. "Do you know what I am going through right now? Do you understand what war and deployment mean?" It is hard to hear about a parent talk about how difficult it will be to get their kids the one birthday present or party they want, when all my kids want is their daddy for their birthday or to even just have him at the party, and I can't give that. It is hard to put on the happy face in that case. However, the world does not revolve around me or comes to a screeching halt because my husband is gone. Time marches on, just like I do.
I guess what I am trying to say is that everyone, military or civilian, no matter their separation length or place, has a right to their feelings. Everyone has a right to miss the ones they love. So, military wives, don't be so sensitive, civilians can sympathize, but unless they are former military wives, they can't fully empathize with us. They can't be walking on egg shells around you and worried that you will get hurt if they talk about their life, good, bad or indifferent. And civilian people out there, if you have a military wife or two in your circle of friends, give them a break. Don't take it too personally when they snap at you because they haven't seen their husbands in almost a year, and you are worried about a weekend. Or when they tell you to quit complaining that your husband doesn't help out enough around the house... They wish theirs was there to even help out a little, or not at all, so long as he is safe in their arms.
I will try to control myself, but I will be honest, I am one that you might have to be patient with too :-).
Well, another day has come and gone. Another day in the past, which means I am one day closer to the future I desire most. Reunion!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 61: 7,000 miles away....and still right by my side
I have to admit, today was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't as bad as it could have been.
It was a pretty good day. My husband did everything he could to be here for their first day of school. Of course, it was via computer and cell phone, but he was here. He got to see the kids' first day of school outfits. He got to talk to each of them before they left for school and tell them good luck and he loved them. He even got to "walk" the two youngest to school with me. Man, I love technology. We were able to get on Skype using my iPhone and video call each other on the way to school. He got to see the kids walking to school and watched them walk off to class. It was the next best thing to being here. I was so happy that he got to share that with me, especially with 7,000 miles between us.
Today, his participation showed the kids how much he loves them and how determined he is to stay in their lives even when he is far away. I was so impressed by my husband, but not in the least bit surprised. He is a devoted husband and father and would do everything he could to be involved in big days like this. It was just impressive that he got the time to spend that 20 minutes with the kids, talking to them and walking them to school with me. He told the kids he would call them before school, and he did. I think that simple little video call this morning made their first day of school better than any of their new clothes ever could.
It turned out to be a more special day than I ever thought it could. I felt like we were connected to Ian, especially since he was seeing it real time, and not just me writing him, sending pictures or video, or telling him about it later. He was there. Right by my side, 7,000 miles away.
Another day gone.... Another BIG day gone, and we made it through. Another day closer to seeing my husband again.
It was a pretty good day. My husband did everything he could to be here for their first day of school. Of course, it was via computer and cell phone, but he was here. He got to see the kids' first day of school outfits. He got to talk to each of them before they left for school and tell them good luck and he loved them. He even got to "walk" the two youngest to school with me. Man, I love technology. We were able to get on Skype using my iPhone and video call each other on the way to school. He got to see the kids walking to school and watched them walk off to class. It was the next best thing to being here. I was so happy that he got to share that with me, especially with 7,000 miles between us.
Today, his participation showed the kids how much he loves them and how determined he is to stay in their lives even when he is far away. I was so impressed by my husband, but not in the least bit surprised. He is a devoted husband and father and would do everything he could to be involved in big days like this. It was just impressive that he got the time to spend that 20 minutes with the kids, talking to them and walking them to school with me. He told the kids he would call them before school, and he did. I think that simple little video call this morning made their first day of school better than any of their new clothes ever could.
It turned out to be a more special day than I ever thought it could. I felt like we were connected to Ian, especially since he was seeing it real time, and not just me writing him, sending pictures or video, or telling him about it later. He was there. Right by my side, 7,000 miles away.
Another day gone.... Another BIG day gone, and we made it through. Another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Day 60: I know a bad day is coming
So, today is the day before the kids' first day of school. Another big important day that Ian will miss. It makes me sad because I know what is coming. I know that my kids are going to be upset that their daddy is missing their first day of school. I know that when I go to drop off my kids at school, I will be seeing all the soldiers, that were given a morning off of PT, there with their spouses seeing their children off to school. It is particularly difficult because it is my son's first day of school, ever. He is going to pre-k and it is not like his part day programs he did at our last duty station. He is going to a real elementary school for a full school day. It is a first for him.
I know I am supposed to be positive and not think that it is going to be a hard day for the kids and me. I know that staying positive and almost willing it to be a good day is what you are supposed to do, but, I am just not that optimistic right now. I knew from the start that this year was going to be filled with hard days. I also knew that a lot of those hard days were going to be because he is missing something important, like birthdays, holidays, kids' first for stuff. My birthday was the first of these occasions, and that was brutal for me. I don't think tomorrow will be as bad as that, but, I do know it won't be easy.
I do have to say though that Ian is determined to talk to the kids on their first day of school. So, if he can, we are going to try and have a video chat in the morning with each of the kids before they leave the house for their first day of school. I hope the timing works out, but if it doesn't, Ian already is planning on waking up super early for him, which will be dinner time for us, just to call and talk to the kids and let them tell him about their first day. I hope this effort and the fact that they can see/talk to their dad (even if it is over computer) will help ease the pain of missing him a little. Of course, I will be there looking like a loon with my video camera in hand and maybe my camera around my neck, taking pictures and videos as they walk into school, so I can send them to Ian. I don't care what other people think, it is for my husband and for my kids.
And, yes, I will not just be doing it for Daniel's first day of school, all of their first days are important. I learned that from my daughter, Natalie, when we were trying to explain how long daddy will be gone and when he is coming back. As adults, the big milestones for our kids are Kindergarten, middle school, high school, graduation, and college. For kids, though, every year is a milestone. When we explained to Natalie that Ian would be back after she was done with first grade, she lost it. She said, "So he is going to miss ALL of my first grade?" Yeah, I felt horrible. Because to her, it wasn't that he had seen her in school before and went to other years worth of plays and teacher conferences, it was that he was missing that year. My thoughts were more worried about how Daniel would do with Ian missing his first year in school. Needless to say, my daughter reality checked me. Not that I didn't think each year for my kids were special before, now, though, I realize that each year is a milestone. Each child's school year, whether it is their first, last, or somewhere in between is significant and neither is more or less important than the other. Sometimes, we just have to think like a child to put things back in perspective.
So, here is to hoping that I am wrong about tomorrow and that it isn't going to be as bad as I think it will. Here is to hoping that Ian will be able to see them in the morning or talk to them in the evening tomorrow. Here is to hoping that I can keep it together for the kids and that my cameras all work correctly. Here's to hope!
Another day has passed, another day closer to reunion.
I know I am supposed to be positive and not think that it is going to be a hard day for the kids and me. I know that staying positive and almost willing it to be a good day is what you are supposed to do, but, I am just not that optimistic right now. I knew from the start that this year was going to be filled with hard days. I also knew that a lot of those hard days were going to be because he is missing something important, like birthdays, holidays, kids' first for stuff. My birthday was the first of these occasions, and that was brutal for me. I don't think tomorrow will be as bad as that, but, I do know it won't be easy.
I do have to say though that Ian is determined to talk to the kids on their first day of school. So, if he can, we are going to try and have a video chat in the morning with each of the kids before they leave the house for their first day of school. I hope the timing works out, but if it doesn't, Ian already is planning on waking up super early for him, which will be dinner time for us, just to call and talk to the kids and let them tell him about their first day. I hope this effort and the fact that they can see/talk to their dad (even if it is over computer) will help ease the pain of missing him a little. Of course, I will be there looking like a loon with my video camera in hand and maybe my camera around my neck, taking pictures and videos as they walk into school, so I can send them to Ian. I don't care what other people think, it is for my husband and for my kids.
And, yes, I will not just be doing it for Daniel's first day of school, all of their first days are important. I learned that from my daughter, Natalie, when we were trying to explain how long daddy will be gone and when he is coming back. As adults, the big milestones for our kids are Kindergarten, middle school, high school, graduation, and college. For kids, though, every year is a milestone. When we explained to Natalie that Ian would be back after she was done with first grade, she lost it. She said, "So he is going to miss ALL of my first grade?" Yeah, I felt horrible. Because to her, it wasn't that he had seen her in school before and went to other years worth of plays and teacher conferences, it was that he was missing that year. My thoughts were more worried about how Daniel would do with Ian missing his first year in school. Needless to say, my daughter reality checked me. Not that I didn't think each year for my kids were special before, now, though, I realize that each year is a milestone. Each child's school year, whether it is their first, last, or somewhere in between is significant and neither is more or less important than the other. Sometimes, we just have to think like a child to put things back in perspective.
So, here is to hoping that I am wrong about tomorrow and that it isn't going to be as bad as I think it will. Here is to hoping that Ian will be able to see them in the morning or talk to them in the evening tomorrow. Here is to hoping that I can keep it together for the kids and that my cameras all work correctly. Here's to hope!
Another day has passed, another day closer to reunion.
Day 59: Thinking a lot about him
Today, I spent the day with my best friend. I spent a lot of it with the 6 kids we have between the two families, watching them, talking to them, playing with them. It was exhausting, but not bad. It was a weird thing, because, even though I was there for my friend and dealing with kids, I was thinking a lot about Ian. I went to dinner and a movie with my best friend. It was fun, and I loved hanging out with her, but I was still thinking of the last time I went to the movies (without the kids). I went with Ian. It was our date night. Simply put, I miss him. I really can't say much else, but that I miss him. I was in the middle of supporting my friend, but Ian kept creeping into my mind. Little things I saw or heard just brought back memories and reminded me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and how much I miss him.
Nothing more tonight than thinking about him and missing him like crazy. Every time I feel sad and miss him, I realize how lucky I am to have an amazing man to miss.
One day down, one day closer.
Nothing more tonight than thinking about him and missing him like crazy. Every time I feel sad and miss him, I realize how lucky I am to have an amazing man to miss.
One day down, one day closer.
Day 58: Just another small reason I miss him (posted late)
Today was an interesting day. I started out the day with having to get the kids ready to go to a luncheon for deployed spouses, put on by our housing community. So, I got up, tired as usual from lack of sleep, and got breakfast going. I cleaned up a little, did some laundry, and got he kids dressed for our lunch. I was late getting there, but it wouldn't have mattered anyways, the line for food was insanely long, and getting there 10 minutes earlier would not have changed anything. So, after the luncheon we went home and I got to doing some more chores. I have not been keeping up on my room as well as I should, so I thought I would clean it up a bit. As I am cleaning, I am finding my son's leggos all along Ian's side of the bed. Slowly but surely, he is trying to move into my room. So, I had him come clean up his toys and take them back to his room.
As I am cleaning, I get a call from my best friend. She lives about 3 hours from me and needed my help. So, within 45 minutes, I had the kids packed up, had plans for the dogs to be watched after, and was out the door. It was the first time I have left the area since before Ian left. Lets just say, that driving alone for 3 hours brought to mind just another reason in the 854, 971 reasons that I miss my husband. He keeps me entertained on long trips. He helps to take care of the kids during the long drives. My favorite though, he blocks the sun when it is on the passenger side of the car. As I was driving the sum was setting and it was bright through the passenger side of the windshield. So, I had to reach over and put down the visor on the passenger side, thinking that was something Ian would do. I also love how he tries to block the sun for me whether it is with his hand, a piece of paper, or his head/body.
It is funny how as time is tripping by, I am finding I miss the little things. I miss him in his entirety, but I am reminded of the little things he brings to my life on a daily basis. The best thing, though, is that as I am getting stronger. I am finding that instead of these thoughts making me want to cry, I am remembering them with a smile, knowing that, eventually, he will be home and I will not have to miss the little things anymore. I also know, that when he is home I will think about the little things more often and appreciate the little things that he brings to my life.
Another day is done. My first road trip during this deployment has been accomplished. Just that much sooner to seeing him again.
As I am cleaning, I get a call from my best friend. She lives about 3 hours from me and needed my help. So, within 45 minutes, I had the kids packed up, had plans for the dogs to be watched after, and was out the door. It was the first time I have left the area since before Ian left. Lets just say, that driving alone for 3 hours brought to mind just another reason in the 854, 971 reasons that I miss my husband. He keeps me entertained on long trips. He helps to take care of the kids during the long drives. My favorite though, he blocks the sun when it is on the passenger side of the car. As I was driving the sum was setting and it was bright through the passenger side of the windshield. So, I had to reach over and put down the visor on the passenger side, thinking that was something Ian would do. I also love how he tries to block the sun for me whether it is with his hand, a piece of paper, or his head/body.
It is funny how as time is tripping by, I am finding I miss the little things. I miss him in his entirety, but I am reminded of the little things he brings to my life on a daily basis. The best thing, though, is that as I am getting stronger. I am finding that instead of these thoughts making me want to cry, I am remembering them with a smile, knowing that, eventually, he will be home and I will not have to miss the little things anymore. I also know, that when he is home I will think about the little things more often and appreciate the little things that he brings to my life.
Another day is done. My first road trip during this deployment has been accomplished. Just that much sooner to seeing him again.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day 57: Reality Bites
So we are close to hitting the two month mark of this deployment. It is about the time I figured that reality would kick in and I would start having issues. Man, I couldn't have called it any more accurately.
Today was the meet and greet at the school. We got to go to the school, meet the kids' teachers, and drop off their school supplies. So, we go in to the elementary where the younger two are attending. We find out who their teachers are and head to Daniel's class first. We talk to the teacher for a few minutes and she asks for a picture of Ian and Daniel together, if I have one, for the soldier board in her class. I told her I would get one and also informed her that Ian is currently deployed and would not be back until the end of the school year. After that, we went to meet Natalie's teacher. She was very nice as well. We talked with her about the fact that Ian is deployed as well and she actually offered some advice for R&R. She said, in order to keep the absences counting against Natalie's attendance, I can withdraw her for the two weeks Ian is home and re-register her after he leaves. She said they will hold her spot in class and it will not be that difficult. I thought it sounded weird, but she said that because it is a military school, it is ok. So, we will see about that.
After we finished up with the younger kids' school, we had to make the trek all the way across base that takes 15 minutes in light traffic to go to Emily's school. I was not happy about this. I don't understand why they make her go to a school all the way across post, requiring her to get on a bus at 6:30am, when they have other schools within a mile or less of the pre-k through 3rd grade school my other children attend. It just frustrates me. And to make it worse, I literally hit EVERY light on the way. When I got there, parking was impossible, and it was just crowded all together. So, I walk through the school, dragging my children, and met Emily's teacher. I asked her about after school programs, which she couldn't really tell me about, so apparently I will have to wait until after school starts before they start up the clubs and send any information out about them. I also asked if they have any sort of activity bus for the kids that want to do after school clubs, but live ALL THE WAY ACROSS POST. She said they didn't. Yeah, didn't help my mood. So basically, for my kid to do any clubs, I am going to have to drive AT LEAST 15 minutes each way, but at that time of day, soldiers are getting off work, so the commute time could be as much as 30 minutes each way. This whole thing has me beyond frustrated. I know I shouldn't be this upset about it, but I also have no backup from my husband in case of an issue. I have to rely on friends, which isn't bad, but it isn't my husband.
This summer, reality hasn't kicked in, for the most part. I have not had to really run the kids all over the place. I have not had to set up a strict morning schedule and get them to school everyday. I have not had to rush because I have no one else to back me up. Now, with school starting, I will really feel the absence of my husband. In the mornings, my husband would come home, make coffee, help get the kids breakfast, and maybe even walk them to school. In the afternoons he would help with homework, if it wasn't done yet, make dinner a few nights of the week, help get kids to bed, and on Thursday's if he got home in time, he would pick the kids up from school, or we would walk together to get them. If the kids had something in the early evening, I would take them, and he would make dinner, or vice versa. He was a BIG part of our school year routine. He was my tag-team partner. On days when I was super busy, he would try and get a few minutes away from work to help me out by picking up the kids. When the girls were together at the school located close to us, it wasn't that big of a deal. Now that the kids are completely spread out, I am toast. If Emily misses the bus, it will be hard to get her to school and then get the younger kids to school on time. If she has to stay after, it will be insanely difficult to get the younger two, then drive across post, pick her up, get homework done, and get dinner on the table, while still getting the kids to bed at a decent hour. Don't get me started on the gas I will use up in my van.
Reality bites. Or should I say, reality without my husband bites. I hope that all these problems I am anticipating will not really be problems and that I can be supermom and handle it all by myself. But, without sounding like a toddler too much, I don't wanna! But....... I will. I will do all this because even though my current reality bites hard, it will not be my forever reality. Ian will come home and he will once again be my tag-team partner in this crazy thing we call our family. I just have to keep it together until then... I think I can fake a pretty good supermom. I won't feel like a supermom, but to my kids, they will think I am doing just fine with all of this. I hope.
One day down, another day closer to seeing him again.
<3 Loving my soldier more everyday. <3
Today was the meet and greet at the school. We got to go to the school, meet the kids' teachers, and drop off their school supplies. So, we go in to the elementary where the younger two are attending. We find out who their teachers are and head to Daniel's class first. We talk to the teacher for a few minutes and she asks for a picture of Ian and Daniel together, if I have one, for the soldier board in her class. I told her I would get one and also informed her that Ian is currently deployed and would not be back until the end of the school year. After that, we went to meet Natalie's teacher. She was very nice as well. We talked with her about the fact that Ian is deployed as well and she actually offered some advice for R&R. She said, in order to keep the absences counting against Natalie's attendance, I can withdraw her for the two weeks Ian is home and re-register her after he leaves. She said they will hold her spot in class and it will not be that difficult. I thought it sounded weird, but she said that because it is a military school, it is ok. So, we will see about that.
After we finished up with the younger kids' school, we had to make the trek all the way across base that takes 15 minutes in light traffic to go to Emily's school. I was not happy about this. I don't understand why they make her go to a school all the way across post, requiring her to get on a bus at 6:30am, when they have other schools within a mile or less of the pre-k through 3rd grade school my other children attend. It just frustrates me. And to make it worse, I literally hit EVERY light on the way. When I got there, parking was impossible, and it was just crowded all together. So, I walk through the school, dragging my children, and met Emily's teacher. I asked her about after school programs, which she couldn't really tell me about, so apparently I will have to wait until after school starts before they start up the clubs and send any information out about them. I also asked if they have any sort of activity bus for the kids that want to do after school clubs, but live ALL THE WAY ACROSS POST. She said they didn't. Yeah, didn't help my mood. So basically, for my kid to do any clubs, I am going to have to drive AT LEAST 15 minutes each way, but at that time of day, soldiers are getting off work, so the commute time could be as much as 30 minutes each way. This whole thing has me beyond frustrated. I know I shouldn't be this upset about it, but I also have no backup from my husband in case of an issue. I have to rely on friends, which isn't bad, but it isn't my husband.
This summer, reality hasn't kicked in, for the most part. I have not had to really run the kids all over the place. I have not had to set up a strict morning schedule and get them to school everyday. I have not had to rush because I have no one else to back me up. Now, with school starting, I will really feel the absence of my husband. In the mornings, my husband would come home, make coffee, help get the kids breakfast, and maybe even walk them to school. In the afternoons he would help with homework, if it wasn't done yet, make dinner a few nights of the week, help get kids to bed, and on Thursday's if he got home in time, he would pick the kids up from school, or we would walk together to get them. If the kids had something in the early evening, I would take them, and he would make dinner, or vice versa. He was a BIG part of our school year routine. He was my tag-team partner. On days when I was super busy, he would try and get a few minutes away from work to help me out by picking up the kids. When the girls were together at the school located close to us, it wasn't that big of a deal. Now that the kids are completely spread out, I am toast. If Emily misses the bus, it will be hard to get her to school and then get the younger kids to school on time. If she has to stay after, it will be insanely difficult to get the younger two, then drive across post, pick her up, get homework done, and get dinner on the table, while still getting the kids to bed at a decent hour. Don't get me started on the gas I will use up in my van.
Reality bites. Or should I say, reality without my husband bites. I hope that all these problems I am anticipating will not really be problems and that I can be supermom and handle it all by myself. But, without sounding like a toddler too much, I don't wanna! But....... I will. I will do all this because even though my current reality bites hard, it will not be my forever reality. Ian will come home and he will once again be my tag-team partner in this crazy thing we call our family. I just have to keep it together until then... I think I can fake a pretty good supermom. I won't feel like a supermom, but to my kids, they will think I am doing just fine with all of this. I hope.
One day down, another day closer to seeing him again.
<3 Loving my soldier more everyday. <3
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day 56: Yellow Ribbons and Cell Phones
Today I was on Facebook and a new friend was talking about moving back to the post while her husband finishes out her deployment. She moved home at the start of the deployment, but did not find the support she thought she would get. I have to admit, I understand what she is talking about. It is hard to live in a town where your friends and family knew the you before you married your soldier husband. Most don't understand the woman you have become. They don't get that you are not wanting to party or go out drinking. Even though you have time and can get someone to watch your kids, you do not have a desire to party. They don't understand the daily struggle of having a husband at war and raising children without their father, yet still trying to keep him in their lives. It is something that you really can't understand until you have/are in that lifestyle.
Reading about her decision to move back and be around those that are going through what she is going through made me think about my own support system. I have always said that I would not move home during Ian's deployments, barring any serious illness, because my home is where Ian is, or at least where he was before he left. I have often thought that being so far away from home would weaken me and I would not be able to cope with the separation from my husband. On the contrary. I have found my relationships, with my parents especially, have grown stronger and that I have grown stronger. I have also realized, that while still new to the area, I have a support system. It is not large by any means, but they are people who truly care about my children and me and are willing to help me out on days I need it and even days when I refuse to ask for it.
Today, my best friend stopped by for lunch on her way home, it was 30 min out of her way, but she wanted to see me and see how I was doing. It was a true gift and show of support. Another friend, when she heard that I am not sleeping well, threatened to break into my house and drug me so I would get some sleep. It was in a joking form, but her worry and care for me were obvious. These friends and the others I have made know what I am going through. They understand. They get that I don't want to go out partying (not that I have ever been one to do that), instead they invite me over for movie nights or dinner. They invite me to go get pedicures and take a break from the kids.
Army wives are a special breed. We have to rely on each other because only other military wives, former or current, fully understand the life we lead. Others can empathize, but not sympathize. Military wives understand the pain, heartache, fear, and pride that accompanies being a military wife. We are a sisterhood. We are a support group. We are a family. I do not forget about my own family, nor do I shun their support. I embrace whatever support I can get, but it is when someone knows exactly what you are going through or is going through the same thing, that you do not feel so alone. Much like our husbands in war, we have comrades in arms, soldiers carry weapons whereas we carry yellow ribbons and cell phones.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Day 55: Dealing with the unsupportive
How do you deal with those family members who aren't exactly supportive of you or your family? Not in their words, but in their actions, or lack there of, they show their lack of support. How do you deal with that? I am a very protective of my husband and my children. When I feel like someone in our family is not treating them as well as I think they should be treated, I get defensive. It is hard to explain without going into details, but it is something that has been bothering me since my husband left. Ian and I got into this discussion today and I let my outspoken-ness and frustration come out a little too much on the phone. I let my feelings about how people in our families were ignoring him, my kids, and/or me. For the most part, if they ignore me, I don't care. I can handle it. It is when they do not write my husband, respond to his emails, or make no attempt to talk to my children that I get upset and take offense.
I am a big girl and can handle myself, my kids, however, cannot. They don't see things the way I do. All they see is that family member A does not call or talk to them like they talk to family member B all the time. They wonder if family member A doesn't like them. Then I see my husband, seeing support from only his wife and a select few family members in the way of pre-deployment phone calls to wish him well, or during his deployment- letters, emails, or packages, anything that says to him, "I am proud of what you are doing, of the man that you are, and I love you." During the deployment the lack of support is a lot more noticeable than when he is home everyday with his wife and kids. But lately, I see him get a little more upset as the days go by that he doesn't hear from members of our families that he would like to hear from most, even after he initiated contact. For crying out loud, he is in a WAR ZONE! WRITE THE MAN A DANG EMAIL! I know I am speaking for my husband, and I really shouldn't, because he is a big boy and I could be misreading him when we talk, but it is the protective side of me coming out here.
Anyways, we got into a discussion about going to see some of these family members and, like I said, I didn't censor myself well. It bothers me that I am going to shell out over $1500 to take my whole family to go see someone for a week or so when they can't even be bothered to call and ask how the kids or I am doing. When they won't even write my husband or give him any indication that they are proud of the man he is and the job he is doing. Why would I want to subject my children to family members who don't seem to care about them enough to pick up a phone? Why go somewhere that I am not sure my children or I would be welcomed?
I know that family is family, but I learned growing up and even recently, that you focus and put energy into the relationships with those that actually care. You put energy into building the relationships with those that want to have that relationship. So, why not spend the money going to see other family members who like my kids, or, gasp, love my kids and my husband. Like I said, I am a big girl, treat me as you will, but you mistreat my children or my husband, and mama bear comes out and it is not pretty. You show me that you care about my husband and my kids, especially during this difficult time in their lives, and I will be more than willing to visit and put some energy and focus into the relationship and help foster it with my children, my husband, and myself. But, I will not allow family members to hurt my family repeatedly just because we are bound by blood or marriage.
This is probably not the most Christian way of thinking, and I am sure that God will hit me in the head soon enough. I have to say that I have tried, I just can't keep banging my head against a brick wall. I am not perfect, by any means, but communication and relationships are two way streets. If only one person is willing to try and put in effort, it will never work.
I know this will probably start a thing or two, but to be honest, if it offends you, pick up the phone and call me and we can talk about what offended you. I won't, however, apologize for this, because as I have said from the beginning, this is my blog. It is how I feel and what I am going through at this time. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and you will not always agree with me. But, you do not have to read it either.
Well, for better or worse, another day is done. Another day closer to seeing my husband again and being in his arms again. Man, that will be one sweet reunion.
I am a big girl and can handle myself, my kids, however, cannot. They don't see things the way I do. All they see is that family member A does not call or talk to them like they talk to family member B all the time. They wonder if family member A doesn't like them. Then I see my husband, seeing support from only his wife and a select few family members in the way of pre-deployment phone calls to wish him well, or during his deployment- letters, emails, or packages, anything that says to him, "I am proud of what you are doing, of the man that you are, and I love you." During the deployment the lack of support is a lot more noticeable than when he is home everyday with his wife and kids. But lately, I see him get a little more upset as the days go by that he doesn't hear from members of our families that he would like to hear from most, even after he initiated contact. For crying out loud, he is in a WAR ZONE! WRITE THE MAN A DANG EMAIL! I know I am speaking for my husband, and I really shouldn't, because he is a big boy and I could be misreading him when we talk, but it is the protective side of me coming out here.
Anyways, we got into a discussion about going to see some of these family members and, like I said, I didn't censor myself well. It bothers me that I am going to shell out over $1500 to take my whole family to go see someone for a week or so when they can't even be bothered to call and ask how the kids or I am doing. When they won't even write my husband or give him any indication that they are proud of the man he is and the job he is doing. Why would I want to subject my children to family members who don't seem to care about them enough to pick up a phone? Why go somewhere that I am not sure my children or I would be welcomed?
I know that family is family, but I learned growing up and even recently, that you focus and put energy into the relationships with those that actually care. You put energy into building the relationships with those that want to have that relationship. So, why not spend the money going to see other family members who like my kids, or, gasp, love my kids and my husband. Like I said, I am a big girl, treat me as you will, but you mistreat my children or my husband, and mama bear comes out and it is not pretty. You show me that you care about my husband and my kids, especially during this difficult time in their lives, and I will be more than willing to visit and put some energy and focus into the relationship and help foster it with my children, my husband, and myself. But, I will not allow family members to hurt my family repeatedly just because we are bound by blood or marriage.
This is probably not the most Christian way of thinking, and I am sure that God will hit me in the head soon enough. I have to say that I have tried, I just can't keep banging my head against a brick wall. I am not perfect, by any means, but communication and relationships are two way streets. If only one person is willing to try and put in effort, it will never work.
I know this will probably start a thing or two, but to be honest, if it offends you, pick up the phone and call me and we can talk about what offended you. I won't, however, apologize for this, because as I have said from the beginning, this is my blog. It is how I feel and what I am going through at this time. It will not always be rainbows and butterflies and you will not always agree with me. But, you do not have to read it either.
Well, for better or worse, another day is done. Another day closer to seeing my husband again and being in his arms again. Man, that will be one sweet reunion.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day 54: Care Packages
Last night my husband called me on his way to do some PT (Physical Training) and start off his morning. I was surprised and was hoping he was actually going to blow off PT to talk to me since we didn't get much of a chance to talk that day. Well, he wasn't. He was just calling to tell me goodnight, tell me he loved me and to thank me for the latest package I sent him. He was expecting the package, but what he wasn't expecting was the season set of discs I put in there. He had a list of things to put in the package that he needed, and I knew my mom had sent him a lot of snacks, so I decided that I would add something unexpected in there to catch him by surprise. It wasn't anything big and didn't cost me anything extra because we already had the season set. He has not had a chance to watch the season yet, so I figured I would send it to him. He loved it.
I was happy to be able to send him something he didn't "need" but something he would enjoy. My mom and my friends get to send him packages of fun stuff that he likes. They get to send him snacks and magazines and books. My packages aren't as much fun because they are always filled with stuff he needs.... Like velcro straps, extension cords, power surge protectors, socks, etc. I try to throw in some gum or candy when I can, but for the most part, I don't really have the room. So, when I had the room in this box, I wanted to initially send him a movie that was recently released on DVD, but funds were tight and I didn't know what movie he would want to see, much less own. So, instead I put in the season set we already owned and sent that to him. I wasn't sure if he would like it, but the phone call just to say thank you for that gave me my answer.
So, I have been looking all over the internet to give me some care package ideas. A lot of them can get expensive and my husband has very little storage space, so I can't use a lot of them. I guess I will have to work on being a little more creative. The hard part is trying to surprise him. I can't ask him what movie he would want me to send, because then he would be looking for it. Or what games he wants, because he would be expecting it. Maybe I will just have to settle for sending him things I know he likes, but might not be able to surprise him. I guess that part really doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that my husband knows I am thinking of him and that I am doing everything I can to help his time downrange be just that much better. What are some of your care package ideas?
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband. He brought up how close we are getting to R&R and I started getting giddy. I just keep thinking that every day I tick of the calendar is another day closer to that R&R date we have!
I was happy to be able to send him something he didn't "need" but something he would enjoy. My mom and my friends get to send him packages of fun stuff that he likes. They get to send him snacks and magazines and books. My packages aren't as much fun because they are always filled with stuff he needs.... Like velcro straps, extension cords, power surge protectors, socks, etc. I try to throw in some gum or candy when I can, but for the most part, I don't really have the room. So, when I had the room in this box, I wanted to initially send him a movie that was recently released on DVD, but funds were tight and I didn't know what movie he would want to see, much less own. So, instead I put in the season set we already owned and sent that to him. I wasn't sure if he would like it, but the phone call just to say thank you for that gave me my answer.
So, I have been looking all over the internet to give me some care package ideas. A lot of them can get expensive and my husband has very little storage space, so I can't use a lot of them. I guess I will have to work on being a little more creative. The hard part is trying to surprise him. I can't ask him what movie he would want me to send, because then he would be looking for it. Or what games he wants, because he would be expecting it. Maybe I will just have to settle for sending him things I know he likes, but might not be able to surprise him. I guess that part really doesn't matter, does it? What matters is that my husband knows I am thinking of him and that I am doing everything I can to help his time downrange be just that much better. What are some of your care package ideas?
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband. He brought up how close we are getting to R&R and I started getting giddy. I just keep thinking that every day I tick of the calendar is another day closer to that R&R date we have!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Day 53: Making of a miltary wife
Sunday's are the bane of my existence during this deployment. They are our family day and being short one is difficult. I know I have said this about every Sunday, but it is true. Sundays are hard because the truth of him being gone is glaringly obvious. I didn't get to talk to Ian much today, because I was volunteering at church so I had to be there early. Ian called just as I was on my way to church so I was able to get in about 10 minutes of conversation. The best part was, though, that he and I were able to chat for a few minutes via Yahoo Instant Messenger on my phone when I was in between services. Again, we didn't have long because I had to do stuff for the church, but it was still good. My husband also got to talk to my mom and step-dad. They are his biggest supporters, after me of course, and he got to chat with them and tell them how he is doing. I was a little jealous because I wanted to talk to him, but couldn't because I was busy. But mostly, I was happy that they got to talk to Ian and I know I cannot monopolize all his phone calls. :-) After church we went home and hung out for the day. I got a lot of laundry done to get the kids ready for school to start next week. Tomorrow, we get to try on clothes to see what fits! Fun times.
Obviously, this is not biblical, but I like the descriptions about a military wife. Hope you enjoy.
Obviously, this is not biblical, but I like the descriptions about a military wife. Hope you enjoy.
Making of a Military Wife
Author: Unknown
When the good Lord was creating Wives, he was into his sixth day of overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
And the Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, but must be sponsored to get on post; have the qualities of both father and mother during deployments; be a perfect hostess to 4 or 40; run on black coffee; handle emergencies without a manual; be able to handle flu, birthdays and moves around the world; have a kiss that can cure anything from a child's torn Valentine to a husband's weary day; have the patience of a saint when waiting for the Unit to return home; and have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her hand slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way!"
And the Lord answered, "Don't worry, we'll make other military wives to help. Besides it's not the hands that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride in her husband, sustain the ache of separations, beat on soundly when it's too tired to do so and be large enough to say, "I Understand" when she doesn't, and 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. "Rest... finish this tomorrow!"
"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who heals herself when she's sick, can feed three unexpected guests who are stuck in the area due to bad weather, and can wave good-bye to her husband, from a pier, off a runway and understand that it is important to his country that he leaves."
The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Can it think? It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" asked the angel.
"It's for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!"
"You are a genius," sighed the angel.
The Lord looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there."
An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
And the Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, but must be sponsored to get on post; have the qualities of both father and mother during deployments; be a perfect hostess to 4 or 40; run on black coffee; handle emergencies without a manual; be able to handle flu, birthdays and moves around the world; have a kiss that can cure anything from a child's torn Valentine to a husband's weary day; have the patience of a saint when waiting for the Unit to return home; and have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her hand slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way!"
And the Lord answered, "Don't worry, we'll make other military wives to help. Besides it's not the hands that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride in her husband, sustain the ache of separations, beat on soundly when it's too tired to do so and be large enough to say, "I Understand" when she doesn't, and 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. "Rest... finish this tomorrow!"
"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who heals herself when she's sick, can feed three unexpected guests who are stuck in the area due to bad weather, and can wave good-bye to her husband, from a pier, off a runway and understand that it is important to his country that he leaves."
The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough," said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Can it think? It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?" asked the angel.
"It's for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!"
"You are a genius," sighed the angel.
The Lord looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Day 52: Dang it, my husband was right.
This morning, Ian and I got into a bit of a texting "argument," if you can really call it that, using his email address to my cell phone. Basically the gist of it is that Ian knew I was going to be sending the kids to daycare for 6 hours today. He thought I should get a pedicure. I disagreed with him because I did not want to spend the money on it. We are trying very hard to cut the budget and start paying stuff off while he is gone. So, then, not to my surprise, he did the selfless thing and told me that the money I have in the budget to send him a package this paycheck, to not use it on him but on me instead. I kept arguing with him that I did not like the idea that I would not be sending him a package this paycheck. He insisted that my mom has taken such good care of him and that the packages I have sent him contained all the other necessities, that he is not in need of anything. So, we kept arguing and finally he gave me an "order." He told me that I HAD to get a pedicure and that tonight I am to take something to help me sleep and get to bed EARLY. It took him about 4 tries of asking for a promise, but eventually, he won.
The other argument that I made with him about not getting the pedicure was that I really didn't NEED it. I haven't had one since 2 weeks before he left, but honestly, I would be lucky to get one every 3-4 months before anyways. He said that I do need one. He kept telling me that I needed to do something for myself and that a pedicure would help me relax and would make my legs and feet feel better. Of course, I am stubborn and told him it would not make a difference. It is with swallowed pride that I admit tonight, in writing, that my husband was correct. Spending the time today on just me, getting a little pampered and then just reading a book, completely recharged me. I initially planned to do some housework or grocery shopping while the kids were gone, but Ian insisted I do something for me. Then I thought about a movie, but the one I wanted to see showed to late in my free time for me to pick up the kids in time. So, I was back to thinking about coming home and cleaning. While having the house spotless would have been nice, I think the day to myself really rejuvenated me. Before picking up the girls, I stopped at the commissary (the grocery store for the civilians out there) and grabbed stuff to make a quick dinner for the kids. I found myself smiling for no reason, walking a little faster but looking up and not down, and I was more cheerful with the people in the store. It surprised me when I realized how I was acting that the break from the kids and the pampering for myself, as much as I love my kids, really did affect my mood.
I was eager to pick up the kids. I didn't feel as stressed or drained when I was trying to get them in and out of the car and when I was trying to get them to eat their dinner. So, yes, my husband was right. Taking a break every once in a while and doing something just for you really does recharge your batteries and helps you handle being a single mom so much better. From 7,000+ miles away, my husband is telling me what I need, telling me to take care of myself, and he is right... I think I have entered the Twilight Zone! :-) In all seriousness though, he was worried about me and the lack of sleep I am getting, so that is why he ordered the relaxation and early bedtime. I don't like that he is worried about me, because that is not ok. So, I guess the answer here is that if I don't want him to be worried about me, I need to start taking care of myself and not give him something to worry about.... Right. Easier said than done, but I guess that is one of my new tasks.
One day is done. A good day overall, but definitely would be better if my husband were home. It is ok though, because we are getting closer every day to being in each other's arms again.
The other argument that I made with him about not getting the pedicure was that I really didn't NEED it. I haven't had one since 2 weeks before he left, but honestly, I would be lucky to get one every 3-4 months before anyways. He said that I do need one. He kept telling me that I needed to do something for myself and that a pedicure would help me relax and would make my legs and feet feel better. Of course, I am stubborn and told him it would not make a difference. It is with swallowed pride that I admit tonight, in writing, that my husband was correct. Spending the time today on just me, getting a little pampered and then just reading a book, completely recharged me. I initially planned to do some housework or grocery shopping while the kids were gone, but Ian insisted I do something for me. Then I thought about a movie, but the one I wanted to see showed to late in my free time for me to pick up the kids in time. So, I was back to thinking about coming home and cleaning. While having the house spotless would have been nice, I think the day to myself really rejuvenated me. Before picking up the girls, I stopped at the commissary (the grocery store for the civilians out there) and grabbed stuff to make a quick dinner for the kids. I found myself smiling for no reason, walking a little faster but looking up and not down, and I was more cheerful with the people in the store. It surprised me when I realized how I was acting that the break from the kids and the pampering for myself, as much as I love my kids, really did affect my mood.
I was eager to pick up the kids. I didn't feel as stressed or drained when I was trying to get them in and out of the car and when I was trying to get them to eat their dinner. So, yes, my husband was right. Taking a break every once in a while and doing something just for you really does recharge your batteries and helps you handle being a single mom so much better. From 7,000+ miles away, my husband is telling me what I need, telling me to take care of myself, and he is right... I think I have entered the Twilight Zone! :-) In all seriousness though, he was worried about me and the lack of sleep I am getting, so that is why he ordered the relaxation and early bedtime. I don't like that he is worried about me, because that is not ok. So, I guess the answer here is that if I don't want him to be worried about me, I need to start taking care of myself and not give him something to worry about.... Right. Easier said than done, but I guess that is one of my new tasks.
One day is done. A good day overall, but definitely would be better if my husband were home. It is ok though, because we are getting closer every day to being in each other's arms again.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day 51: How does one kick themselves in the butt?
Today was ok. I got a few things accomplished today that I really needed to get done before the weekend. Then, I took the kids to the indoor bounce house to get some energy out. It was fun for them and mostly relaxing for me. I got to sit there and work on my cross-stitch and mess around on my computer. As I was sitting there watching the kids, Emily comes up and says that she just saw Natalie's kindergarten teacher. So, she went to find Natalie to tell her. Natalie was excited because she was able to tell her old teacher that she could now tie her shoes. Her teacher (though she only had her for 6 weeks or so) was pretty awesome with Natalie and is now going to teach Pre-K this year. I am kinda hoping she will get Daniel just because she is patient yet stern with the kids. She is nice but requires them to follow the rules and be respectful. We will know by Thursday who the kids' teachers are. It was actually a great thing running into her. Her husband deployed about 3 weeks before mine, so she gets it. The other great part is that I am trying to become a teacher and was able to talk to her about the certification program I am starting, as well as my application to be a substitute teacher while I am going through my classes. She was really helpful and encouraging. She made me more optimistic about the career path I am on, because she did about the same thing I am doing now. After that, we went to VBS for family night. Basically the kids danced and sang worship songs, we got to see a slide show of the week, and we were given information about chapel programs. It was nice.
Though today was not an insanely brutal day, lately, I have felt myself backsliding a bit. My emotions are just a big yo-yo. I am strong one day and the next I am back to feeling like I can't handle this and that this deployment might just do me in. Not the best place to be. Today was one of those days where I was super tired from very little sleep over the past 51 days and I was feeling lonely. Basically, I was having a pity party. As I was having that wonderful party-for-one, my daughter came up, not knowing how I was feeling or what I was thinking, and said, "I love you mommy. I am so glad you are here for me when I miss daddy." That brought me back to reality a bit. It made me snap out of it and think about who I am doing this for. I have to survive this and do well at surviving this for my kids. I have to be okay for my husband. He has to know that I am okay and that I am handling everything. And, for the most part, I am. I just have my days. My kids have such a way of bringing me out of whatever mood I am in and make me focus on the bigger picture.
See, this is going to sound a little pathetic, but I can handle myself feeling like crap and being sad. What I can't handle is when my kids or husband feel like that. That just kills me. Unfortunately, though, when I feel like crap or am overly sad, then the kids and/or my husband pick up on it and it makes them upset. It is a vicious cycle, I tell you! So, the only option I have is to kick myself in the butt and get in gear. The question is, how? Well, I can't say I am an expert and what will work for me may not work for you. I think once I get back to working out, having some time to get out some angry, frustrated energy, I will start to feel a little better. Once I get back to eating better, I think it will help take out some of my pity party. Since Ian left, my diet has gone to crap and I pretty much eat whatever I want. Luckily, I have not gained back the weight I lost, but I definitely feel guilty when I have eaten the crap food because I know better than that and I know that when I eat right, I feel better. So, that is what I will do. The first kick in the butt is to get myself back on a exercise schedule and back to eating better. Hopefully, it will keep the pity parties down to a minimum. Once I think of other things to do, I will surely let you know. Or, if you have any that work for you, by all means, leave a comment and share with the class. I am sure many of us can use some of that kind of advice.
Well, I made it through another day. Thank God for that. Thank God that Ian is a day closer to being home and is still doing well downrange. I just have to keep faith alive and keep praying for my husband and family. With God's help we will get through this.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day 50: Staying Strong
I have had it pretty easy for the past week. My husband has been able to Skype and call on a daily basis because my husband has been training. I have been "spoiled" to be able to talk to him as much as I have. I wish it would stay like this the whole deployment, but it won't. The frequent conversations with their dad seems to have helped the kids for the most part too. This morning we got to video call Ian again and the kids got to see and talk to him for a few minutes.
After the phone call, we got ready for the day, ran some errands and then spent the rest of the day together. I made an awesome dinner for the kids, we sat together and ate and talked. After dinner I took the kids to VBS. Daniel had another good day at VBS and behaved himself pretty well. When I picked up Natalie, however, she was crying. She did not have as good a time tonight. VBS was mostly good for her, but towards the end, she was putting on her shoes and the class left the room, not realizing she wasn't ready to go. It scared her and hurt her feelings that she was left behind. She caught up with them, but still, the breakdown started there. Then, her craft, a turtle she made for daddy, fell apart in the bag they put all the crafts in. So, then the tears kept coming. It was heart breaking. There literally was nothing I could do but hold her, tell her she was ok, and tell her that we would fix the turtle at home.
When we got home, she was still crying and it took me a while to get her to calm down and go to bed. Of course, in the middle of that, she started missing daddy even more. He is her favorite, I know that. My hugs just aren't the same as her daddy's hugs. I feel so inadequate at times like these. I know she misses him and that she wishes it was daddy holding her, not me. It shouldn't bother me, because I know she just misses Ian, but it is hard because all she wants is daddy, and I can't give that to her. Not even her daddy doll helped tonight. I just wanted to cry too, but for reasons other than someone breaking my craft. I wanted to cry because I felt so useless and because I miss Ian too.
Oh, how hard it is to try and be strong when you see your baby girl crying, especially when you know it is justified and you would love to join her. Instead I have to be strong for her. Tell her that I understand how she feels and tell her that I miss daddy too, but avoid crying. It makes it worse for them when I cry. I have to try and keep it together for them. I don't mind, really. It is getting easier to do, but still hard at times like this. Even before Natalie's little breakdown tonight, I have been missing my husband more and more. It isn't stopping me from functioning like it used to. It is just the normal thoughts I usually have of him throughout a normal day, now have had a tinge of sadness to them because I am missing him. I am not sure why it hits worse on some days than others, but, it does. Despite that today was one of those days where missing Ian was center stage in my head, I still was able to be strong for my daughter.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
After the phone call, we got ready for the day, ran some errands and then spent the rest of the day together. I made an awesome dinner for the kids, we sat together and ate and talked. After dinner I took the kids to VBS. Daniel had another good day at VBS and behaved himself pretty well. When I picked up Natalie, however, she was crying. She did not have as good a time tonight. VBS was mostly good for her, but towards the end, she was putting on her shoes and the class left the room, not realizing she wasn't ready to go. It scared her and hurt her feelings that she was left behind. She caught up with them, but still, the breakdown started there. Then, her craft, a turtle she made for daddy, fell apart in the bag they put all the crafts in. So, then the tears kept coming. It was heart breaking. There literally was nothing I could do but hold her, tell her she was ok, and tell her that we would fix the turtle at home.
When we got home, she was still crying and it took me a while to get her to calm down and go to bed. Of course, in the middle of that, she started missing daddy even more. He is her favorite, I know that. My hugs just aren't the same as her daddy's hugs. I feel so inadequate at times like these. I know she misses him and that she wishes it was daddy holding her, not me. It shouldn't bother me, because I know she just misses Ian, but it is hard because all she wants is daddy, and I can't give that to her. Not even her daddy doll helped tonight. I just wanted to cry too, but for reasons other than someone breaking my craft. I wanted to cry because I felt so useless and because I miss Ian too.
Oh, how hard it is to try and be strong when you see your baby girl crying, especially when you know it is justified and you would love to join her. Instead I have to be strong for her. Tell her that I understand how she feels and tell her that I miss daddy too, but avoid crying. It makes it worse for them when I cry. I have to try and keep it together for them. I don't mind, really. It is getting easier to do, but still hard at times like this. Even before Natalie's little breakdown tonight, I have been missing my husband more and more. It isn't stopping me from functioning like it used to. It is just the normal thoughts I usually have of him throughout a normal day, now have had a tinge of sadness to them because I am missing him. I am not sure why it hits worse on some days than others, but, it does. Despite that today was one of those days where missing Ian was center stage in my head, I still was able to be strong for my daughter.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Day 49: I am ok
Today I had another good day. I know, amazing right? I got up early this morning to Skype my husband and was able to talk for about 30 min. It was nice because I was able to thank him to his face for the flowers he sent me. I was able to tell him how awesome he was and how much I loved the flowers. I was also able to tell him how much they meant to me. He just smiled and told me I was welcome and that he was glad they made my day. He knows he earned some serious points. :-) He had also seen my posts on Facebook, bragging on him, and showing everyone the flowers and note he sent. So, he already had an idea of how much I loved the flowers.
Then, the kids and I got up, hung out, and then went to a friend's house. We hung out there most of the day and it was nice to get out of the house and have some adult conversation. After leaving there, I took the kids to VBS and did the most boring thing I could have done with the 2 hours I had to myself, I cleaned the kitchen. I know, lame right? But, hey, it needed to be done and at that moment I didn't have kids messing with me or making more dishes dirty as I was cleaning them. When I picked up the kids, I found out that Daniel was "AWESOME" today for his crew leaders at VBS. I was so excited that he behaved. He was excited to tell me and so was his teacher. It was a good day. So, as a treat, we came home and I let them stay up an extra half hour and let Daniel pick out a show for us to watch together. Just as I was getting ready to send them to bed, my parents asked if the kids were still up so they could get their "fix" and see them on Skype. So, the kids were happy because they were going to see them and because it allowed them to stay up a little longer. It was a good to talk to my parents and the kids had a blast. So, now, the kids are in bed, and I have my mom time.
I know I posted a few days ago about how I am getting stronger and I can feel myself getting stronger. Well, that is still true. I still miss him and still have my days. For the most part, though, I can answer the dreaded question honestly. When someone asks me how I am doing.... I can honestly say, "I am ok." That is a huge accomplishment for me. Because at first, when I was asked that question, I would just give them the look. Not a mean look, or my copyrighted mom look, but the look that said, "I am still too sad to answer that question without crying." And people would get that. They would just say, "Oh. Sorry. It will get better." and move on to lighter subjects. The acquaintances didn't want to really push it and ask me to talk it out with them, because it was awkward. Friends and family knew better. They were ok with the tears and understood that even though it was hard for them to hear, it was even harder for me to live through and I needed to talk about it. After a few weeks, when I was asked that question, I was finally strong enough to tell a bold-faced lie without people really noticing. I would tell them that I was ok and they would let it drop. Again, my family and close friends knew better and called me out on it. Well, now, I can look people in the eye and tell them that I am doing ok. I can tell them that things are getting better everyday or that today was a good or bad day without breaking down. I can tell them the truth, because most of the time, I am ok. I tell them that we are all doing a little better. We still miss Ian like crazy, but are dealing with it. Funny thing is, that now, people are talking more about it. I don't know if they now realize it is safe to talk to me about the deployment, or if they are not as uncomfortable with my strength as they were with my "weakness." Who knows. All I know is that I can honestly say, "I am ok."
I made it through another day with the good Lord's help. And with God's help, I am just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
Then, the kids and I got up, hung out, and then went to a friend's house. We hung out there most of the day and it was nice to get out of the house and have some adult conversation. After leaving there, I took the kids to VBS and did the most boring thing I could have done with the 2 hours I had to myself, I cleaned the kitchen. I know, lame right? But, hey, it needed to be done and at that moment I didn't have kids messing with me or making more dishes dirty as I was cleaning them. When I picked up the kids, I found out that Daniel was "AWESOME" today for his crew leaders at VBS. I was so excited that he behaved. He was excited to tell me and so was his teacher. It was a good day. So, as a treat, we came home and I let them stay up an extra half hour and let Daniel pick out a show for us to watch together. Just as I was getting ready to send them to bed, my parents asked if the kids were still up so they could get their "fix" and see them on Skype. So, the kids were happy because they were going to see them and because it allowed them to stay up a little longer. It was a good to talk to my parents and the kids had a blast. So, now, the kids are in bed, and I have my mom time.
I know I posted a few days ago about how I am getting stronger and I can feel myself getting stronger. Well, that is still true. I still miss him and still have my days. For the most part, though, I can answer the dreaded question honestly. When someone asks me how I am doing.... I can honestly say, "I am ok." That is a huge accomplishment for me. Because at first, when I was asked that question, I would just give them the look. Not a mean look, or my copyrighted mom look, but the look that said, "I am still too sad to answer that question without crying." And people would get that. They would just say, "Oh. Sorry. It will get better." and move on to lighter subjects. The acquaintances didn't want to really push it and ask me to talk it out with them, because it was awkward. Friends and family knew better. They were ok with the tears and understood that even though it was hard for them to hear, it was even harder for me to live through and I needed to talk about it. After a few weeks, when I was asked that question, I was finally strong enough to tell a bold-faced lie without people really noticing. I would tell them that I was ok and they would let it drop. Again, my family and close friends knew better and called me out on it. Well, now, I can look people in the eye and tell them that I am doing ok. I can tell them that things are getting better everyday or that today was a good or bad day without breaking down. I can tell them the truth, because most of the time, I am ok. I tell them that we are all doing a little better. We still miss Ian like crazy, but are dealing with it. Funny thing is, that now, people are talking more about it. I don't know if they now realize it is safe to talk to me about the deployment, or if they are not as uncomfortable with my strength as they were with my "weakness." Who knows. All I know is that I can honestly say, "I am ok."
I made it through another day with the good Lord's help. And with God's help, I am just that much closer to seeing my husband again.
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