Well, I am back. I am starting up my deployment blog again because Ian has left again. It has been almost a month since he left, and I am just now starting to accept the fact that he is going to be gone for 8 more months. I have to be honest, it is a little bit of a relief to know that I "only" have 8 months left and that I have survived almost a month already.
This deployment, to me, seems so much harder than the last one. You would think that because we have been through it before and we know what to expect, that it would make it easier. Truth be told, it makes it just that much more difficult. Last time, the kids didn't really understand how long a year would really be. They didn't get what it would mean to have daddy miss all those holidays and birthdays until it actually happened. This time, they didn't need to be told. They knew exactly what we meant when we said daddy was deploying again. They knew it would mean that he would miss another birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, school awards ceremonies, plays, games, and recitals. They knew it from the moment we told them that Ian would deploy. The anticipation this time was so much worse than last time. The immediate effects of the deployment on the kids is so much more obvious. We are dealing with the behavior problems, the "I miss daddy", and the "I hate the Army" talks already. It has been a rough month.
I, on the other hand, was blind-sided by this deployment. When I say that I don't mean that I didn't know it was coming until right before it happened. I mean that I didn't realize how close it was until three days before he left. I was so focused on the baby steps leading up to it, that I didn't realize it was already on us until it was too late. Ian was in training until a month before his deployment, so I was waiting for him to come back. Once he got back, we were going on leave to visit his family for two weeks. Then, I had to start work and do the final touches on my classroom. Then, it was the first day/week of school that I needed to survive. I did that and then BAM! It was time to say "See you later" at 2am. I tried to hold it together this time. I tried not to completely lose it the night he left. I think I did pretty good. Did I cry? Of course I did, but it wasn't a sobbing meltdown there in front of Ian and the kids. I felt like I had to be strong for Ian and for the kids this time. Last time, it was Ian being strong for us. This time it was my turn because it was my husband needed from me to be able to leave us and go to war.
Not to whine too much, but this month has been hell. It has been stressful at work, the kids have been acting up, and I still can't sleep without my husband next to me. I know that within the next few months I will get used to sleeping without him and should start sleeping better. I hope the kids calm down a bit and their behavior gets better, but that is something we all have to work out together. I know that work will be work and I honestly don't see it getting any easier. Maybe, I will start getting yelled at less, but again, that is something I don't really know if it will or will not happen. I feel like I am treading water for now, with only occasional times where I sink. Though I can feel God calling me to swim harder and to trust him to be my life preserver. That is where my focus is at the moment: to let God be God and to give Him control and trust. Easier said than done, I know.
I do have to tell you that I have been surprised at the amount of support I have for this one, and from some unlikely sources. The friends I counted on last deployment felt like I left them once my husband came home and I started working last year. I tried not to but life happened, work, kids, reintegration, stress, home buying, etc. I just wasn't as connected with them as I should have been and that cost me some dear friends. So, coming into this deployment, I thought I was going to be utterly alone. That no one would be there for me and no one would help if I needed it. Thank God that I was wrong. I have a great group of friends that are mostly from work that have stepped up to help me out. They have been supportive and flat out amazing. My best friend in the world helped me out and supported me the night Ian left and every day since letting me vent on the phone. Other friends have volunteered to help me with my kids and anything else they can, and have meant it. They are all constantly asking how I am, and I really appreciate it. It has been one of those things that have helped make this deployment look like it can be survived. It has renewed my own self-esteem knowing that I still have some friends who love my family and me and are willing to be there for me. I have even seen some repairs happening in some of the friendships I have lost, thank God for that.
All in all, I am surviving this deployment so far, though much more roughly. I will be writing in here when I can, or when I think I actually have something to write about. I had a few people tell me they didn't like that I left the blog unfinished at the end of the deployment. So, I think I am going to publish the draft I started and finish it up with some reintegration info.
Thank you all for sticking with me and reading. Hopefully you will hear from me again soon.
