Missing Milestones

When you think about a deployment you immediately think about all the things the soldier will miss. All the holidays, birthdays, recitals, games, etc. that he will miss and it can be upsetting. Even in our last deployment that was our (and I say our because Ian and I both felt this way) biggest concern, how much Ian would miss in the year he was gone. To be honest, that was our main concern for this deployment... Until now.

I realized today that I have missed a big event in Ian's life. It didn't register until I saw a picture of Ian reenlisting in Afghanistan in front of an American flag, without me there. I was insanely proud of him, but I wasn't there for it. I have been there from day one. I have been there for every promotion ceremony and every reenlistment ceremony. So, seeing a picture of him reenlisting without me in it was surprisingly upsetting. I know it is a fact of the Army life, but I didn't realize how upset I would be about missing something like that. It is a big deal for me. I love being there for him and being a supportive part of his military career. I love that I have been there to watch his career progress and his commitment to the Army continue. I really wished I was there for it this time. I wish I could have been able to stand next to him as he raised his right hand and swore to defend our country for 4 more years. I wish I could have been there to see it, to hear it, and to hug him afterwards and tell him how proud I was of him. I know I can say that now, through the computer, but it just isn't the same. I just didn't realize what milestones I would be missing out on. It was quite the eye opener for me today. It gave me a small insight into exactly how Ian must be feeling when he sees the pictures of our milestones without him in them.

To my husband: I am so proud of you and the amazing man, husband, father, and soldier that you are. I am sorry I wasn't there but I hope you know how much I wish I was there and how insanely proud of you I am . I have been given a glimpse and can begin to understand how missing as much as you do can be so hard, but you do it because you love us and love your country. I love you with all my heart and will always be standing behind you cheering you on..... Even from 7,000 miles away. I love you! ~Laura

Would a break really help my frustration level? I doubt it.

This is a post about my frustration level. So, let that be your warning now.

I have been having a lot of issues with being overly stressed and frustrated lately. I just keep having setback after setback. I can't seem to get a break and be able to take a chance to calm my nerves.

Let me explain what happened today to make me so frustrated. To start, I had a horrible day at work. In general it was just a frustrating day with everything I had to deal with and I feel like it just got worse from one minute to the next. Then after school, I had to deal with my own kids coming into my room, messing it up and creating chaos. They have been having this nasty habit of coming in my room and playing with EVERYTHING and messing it up completely. I have been trying hard to get them to understand that my classroom is not their personal playground. Though, to give them a bit of grace, it is rough being at school all day and then having to stay there for even longer while your mom works on her classroom stuff. They want to keep busy and I get that. I just want them to understand that my room has to be left relatively intact.

I was just at the end of my rope by the end of the day already. Then I got so frustrated with them because when I had to answer my phone to talk to a parent, I told them to be quiet because I had to take that call. However, when I started talking to the parent, my kids went nuts! They started yelling at each other and running around behind me! I was so upset with them. After I was done with the phone call, I made my kids sit in almost complete silence. They had to realize that the way they act is unacceptable.

So, on my way home, I thought to myself that I could use a break. Then I realized that a break wouldn't really help me. My issues would be right there when I came home. My son's behavior problems, daughters' attitudes, work issues, keeping my home clean, etc.... I have no one to defer to and ask for help with these issues and all those problems will be waiting for me when I get done with my "break."  Even while taking my "break" I am usually talking or thinking about my issues and trying to figure out how to fix it. I just don't see a benefit to taking the night off, getting a sitter to take care of the kids and spending all that money. Maybe that is the frustration talking, but all I see is an hour away from the family and then having to deal with just as much, or maybe even more depending on Daniel's behavior, when I come back. The rational side of me knows I need a break and need to take a deep breath, but I guess the irrational side is the one winning out right now. Who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and it will actually help. One can hope at least.

Seeing the signs

I know my kids miss their dad. That is a given. They miss him so much because he has always been that dad who is there for everything and misses nothing if he can help it. He is the dad that is reading to them, tucking them into bed, and playing with them in whatever sport they want him to play. He is the loving dad that gives great hugs and uses the words "I love you" frequently. There is definitely a lot to miss about him.

I knew they missed him, but it is the little things that are said or the little signs they give off that show the true feelings they have. Natalie is a daddy's girl and has always taken Ian's absences hard. Always. She misses him instantly and even before he leaves, she misses him. For the most part you can read her like a book. The other day, however, she just stopped in to say hi and give the school counselor a hug (she's been out on maternity leave until just recently). So she said hi, gave her a hug, and then started just talking about anything and everything (she gets that from me.... it's a gift). As she is talking, out of nowhere she starts crying and the real feelings start coming out. I was happy that she had someone to talk to other than me because I know how important it is to have someone else outside the situation tell you that it is ok to have the feelings you have.

Daniel, on the other hand, is showing a little differently. He is starting in the typical behavior issues and problems at school and home. We are working on it slowly but surely. The thing that he said tonight made me really realize how much his dad being gone is really bothering him. He told me he is building a robot (out of scrap pieces of cardboard... yup, he's a boy) and has been taking pieces of cardboard up to his room (he keeps asking me for a knife... ummm, no). So tonight he was talking about all the pieces to his robot and says that this month his robot will be a daddy robot. Then says, "Wait no, it will be for the whole year." That little statement showed me just how much he misses dad.

I am trying to help them through, and Ian is too, but sometimes I don't know what I can do to help. I am grateful for the people we have in our lives, like our pastor, friends, and my coworkers, that are always so willing to talk to the kids and play with them. They help more than I think they could ever know. Sometimes, mom listening just doesn't cut it. They need to tell someone else to feel validated. When they talk to me, well of course I am going to say they have every right to be sad or miss their daddy because I miss him too. When someone else outside the situation says that then it must be ok because they don't really miss Ian like we do. So it makes them feel better.

I am starting to realize that I need to watch out for these signs more because they aren't always so obvious. If I can see the subtle signs, then maybe I can help them or know of someone who can. Well, at least that is my latest goal. :-)

Proudly, I tell you all we have made it through a month. It has been a hard fought battle on our end, but we have come through the first month. We are taking it a day at a time and working hard on successfully making it through this one.

I Keep On Trying

I am thankful about how amazing my husband is. How much he understands and how much he does, even when he is 7,000+ miles away, talking to me through a video call. I am beyond lucky to have him as my partner and best friend in this life.

Today was our oldest daughter's 11th birthday. I took the day off because I had a few appointments in the morning and in the afternoon, I picked her up for lunch and pedicures. Her and I had a great time and she loved every minute of our time together. Ian sent her a present just from him, a camera. She has started really getting into photography and he and I really want to encourage it.

It was a rough start to the day because I had to go take care of my ticket (the first and hopefully only one I have ever gotten), and found out I was a day late in turning in my paperwork. So now, I don't know what I am going to do. Now, I have to go talk to a judge and explain why I was a day late with my paperwork. I have been so overwhelmed with everything going on at work, home, and the deployment, that I forgot and got the dates mixed up. I am just afraid that if I do take the time off to go see the judge, he is just going to yell at me and say I am making excuses and I will still end up losing all that money. So, when Ian called me around lunch time (our time), he saw there was something wrong in my face. He talked to Emily for a minute about her birthday and the present he sent for her, and then the conversation went to me. I told him about what happened at my doctor's appointment and what happened with my ticket. I thought he would get upset at me, because after all I was the one who forgot and got the dates wrong. Instead, he told me it was okay and that he understands that I have had a lot on my plate. He told me not to be so hard on myself. I just cried and told him I was sorry over and over again. He continued to console me and tell me it was just money and that we would be okay either way. The most important part to him was my well-being and that of our kids.

I am so blessed to have him. I say that over and over again because, it's true.
I feel like I keep trying and trying and I can't seem to win. He just continues to encourage me.
The more I try at work, the more issues I have. He tells me to keep fighting.
I try to do things for my kids, but end up forgetting everything else I am responsible for. He tells me that I will work it out.
I try to keep my commitments, but end up losing out on time with my kids or time for myself. He helps me find help so I can do everything for my kids and myself.
I try to be nice to people I think are friends, but end up being told something mean that hurts me. He tells me they don't know what they are talking about because I am beautiful inside and out.
I keep trying and it feels like I am running in place. Ian sees it and he is ever the optimist. He is always the one telling me what the upside is, how it could be perceived in a positive way, or helping me to realize that I am being really hard on myself. I am a mess, and he still loves me. I am a mess and he is still willing to help keep me going.

I will keep on trying because, in the end, I know my family is worth it. In the end, I know I am worth it. I am worth trying for. My family is worth working for. I will keep on trying because failure is not an option. I will keep on trying because I know God will not give up on me. I keep on trying because I am me, and it is what I do. I will keep on trying because I am an Army wife and we work hard to keep our families together despite the miles between us. I will keep on trying because what other choice is there? To give up? To let other beat me and help to ruin my family? To let the deployment win and break apart my marriage? Those are not acceptable choices. The ONLY choice I have is to keep trying and keep fighting for those I love, no matter what I have to do.