Day 130: Doing better

Today is Sunday and I made it to church today. I didn't make it last week because I hung out with my best friend who was visiting for the weekend. So, really, the last time the pastor saw me, I was a wreak about Lucy and everything else and looked like I was losing my mind (and in a way I was). So, I knew today the question would be about how I was doing. After service, I stopped to say hi to the pastor and he saw my face and the first thing he said was, "You look better!" It was true. I am better than when he last saw me. So, I told him that things were going better for me and that I would be able to rejoin my bible study fellowship after Ian's R&R. He was so happy to hear that Ian is coming home for a few weeks and wished us well. I told him that while Ian is home, we will still be coming to church and he was happy to hear that.

After church, I watched a friend's kids for a while and then went to a Halloween Event. It was pretty cool. They had booths set up where kids could trick-or-treat and the vendors could show off their services/products. They even had a costume contest. The funniest part was that Daniel won in his age group! He was so excited and proud of himself. He couldn't stop smiling when they gave it to him. I think he got it not only because his costume was so cute, but also because of his personality when he was introduced to the judges. Then he decided to do a break dance on the stage floor before he left the stage. That last part was after the judging, but was still such a Daniel thing to do!

The day was great. Filled with God, family fun, and good friends. I can't wait until Ian can be a part of the family fun again. Days away now. Days away! Still have to take it one day at a time.

Daniel in his Tow-Mater costume

Day 129: Just have to keep going

Today was an awesome day. I made a cake that was outside my norm and it turned out really cool. I got to go to a birthday party and hang out with some friends. Then I got a fun lesson in doing my makeup from my awesome friend Lyssa so I could have it looking good for when Ian comes home.

Every ounce of me knows it. I know he is coming home soon, and I am getting butterflies in my stomach....SERIOUSLY! BUTTERFLIES! It is kind of funny, in a way. It goes back to the dating idea again. Right now I feel just like I did when he would take me on a date before we were married. What am I going to wear? How will I look? Will he like the way I look? Then I add on the questions that come from deployment worries and being married. Is the house nice enough? What will the kids' reactions be? How will he react to all of us again? Will he still think I am beautiful? All those and way more. Everything runs through my head at any moment when I start to think of how close R&R is. Sometimes the butterflies get so bad that it is to the point of almost nausea. Not in a bad way, but in a good, expectant way. The process of him getting home takes days. Having to be patient with the process is going to be one of the hardest things about this all. Knowing he is going to be on his way, but not knowing when exactly he will be here, it is making the anxiousness even more unbearable.

The only way I have found that helps to deal with this is to just keep going. I have to keep cleaning or baking or running around. Anything to keep me from sitting still too long to think about how close I am and yet how long it will still be. It is a small price to pay to be able to see him again. I gladly pay it, a hundred times over if I must. Just as long as I get to see his face and feel his arms around me again.

My cake of the day

Day 128: The scores are in

I can't believe it. My scores for my test came in today. I wasn't expecting them until Tuesday at the earliest and this afternoon I got an email telling me they were ready. I was over at a teacher-friend's house when the email came through on my cell phone. She asked what was wrong because my face drained of color. I told her that my scores are in and that I needed to sign in to check them, but that I really didn't want to. She told me to just look, so I used my phone to access the online account. It took about a minute to click the 5 times it took to get to the results, it was an ecruciating minute and I really did start to tear up because I was so sure I failed.... Then the page came up, I looked at the score and............

I PASSED MY TEST!!!!!!!!!!

I was screaming and then my friend jumped up and gave me a big hug. It was so cool! She then text her friend (a teacher who is also my friend) and told her the good news. Then that friend came over and gave me a big hug too! It was a fun little celebration. I text another teacher who is in the Pre-K section I am subbing in and told her as well as the teacher who got me started in the elementary school. They were both equally as excited as I was. So, yeah, it was a great ending to the day. I then took my dad and the kids to dinner to celebrate. It was a great night. I ended the night late working on a cake which still has to be finished tomorrow. Let's hope I can get it done in time.

One day at a time and I am making it through. Praise the Lord for that!

Day 127: My credential test

I had today off so I could take my "content" test for my teaching certification. This test is insanely expensive and tough, so I was nervous going into it. Ian called me right before going in to wish me good luck. When I told him that I wasn't sure if I would pass he told me he was confident in me and knew I could do it. I was still doubtful, despite his encouraging words, I just didn't feel ready.

So, I went in and took the test. After I was done, I felt like crying. I am just not sure if I passed or not. I am not confident enough in whether or not I passed and that is not normal for me. Usually, I am pretty confident in what I do. Today not so much. They told me I had to wait 3 business days for my scores, which means early next week. I have to go the whole weekend without knowing... this should be fun.

On a lighter note, I went and got a pedicure and manicure today in preparation of Ian coming home for R&R, plus, I really needed them. Best part was, one of my best friends went with me. After getting our nails done, we went to get makeup for me because I am makeup illiterate, my friend helped me out. After that we went shopping for supplies for a Halloween themed birthday cake. It was fun and helpful to bounce ideas off someone else.

I am still anxious about my test score, but am just as anxious for R&R to get here! I know I sound like a broken record, but I am so excited! One more day closer!

Day 126: Just when I think I have time off

So, yesterday I was working and the principal asked if she could talk to me. I was a little nervous, but also knew I had done nothing wrong. She had me walk out to the hallway with her and she asked if I was interested in a long term sub position in Pre-K. She told me it would be through the end of the year and possibly through the end of the school year. She also said that it could turn into a full-time teaching job, and asked if I could start the next day. I told her I would love to except I already had some conflicts. She said she knew about my husband coming home soon on R&R and that it was ok. She said she would put another sub in for those times and then I could come back on after that. I was shocked because they never do that for subs, either the sub can go start to finish, or not at all. I gladly accepted the job and started it today.

It was a great day and I really did enjoy being around that age group of kids. The only downer was that I have been in frantic mode all day. I expected to have the day off today to study for my certification test that I have scheduled for tomorrow. Since I had to work, I lost a lot of study time and now I feel like I am so far behind that I could not possibly pass the test. This is where my weeks get screwed up. I plan things out a certain way and count on my scheduled days off to get things done.

It has really bitten me in the butt this time. We will have to see how I do on my test tomorrow. I am not so confident about it, unfortunately. Oh well, another day down, another day closer to him.... R&R is so close, the countdown is now so low that it is excruciating!

Day 125: The good stuff

So, today was another really good day. Work went well. I was subbing for a teacher who was in a training all day with the rest of the teachers in her grade. The person who was putting on the training decided that she wanted to show the teachers a teaching strategy with an actual class, and they came into mine. It was so cool for me because I got to watch and learn a little. The kids enjoyed it and all the teachers enjoyed it too. Overall, a great experience for me.

After school, I came home and took my son to his Karate class. He enjoyed it and it gave me some time to study. After that I went to the grocery store and came home to make dinner. Since then I have been studying. It isn't bad, just boring. I know I need to study because I need to pass this test, but to be honest, I hate it because I can't stay focused on it. But, time is running out, so I have to try and keep on it.

Today was another one of those days that I really wished Ian was home. Not to have him help me through a rough time or bad day, but to share the good news with him. I miss having him here to tell about the good things that have happened and to have him hug me and tell me he is so happy/proud of me. It is work related, but again, I want to make sure he knows first from me instead of my blog, so I will let you all know about it tomorrow. I always miss him, but it is the days when I really need to talk to him and I can't that are the worst. Good days or bad days, they both show me just how much I miss having my best friend to celebrate with or cry with.

On the up note, R&R is stinkin' close! You will know the day he is here because I will type one sentence in all caps... that will be my only blog that night! I can't wait!

Day 124: Ooooh, shiny.

Today was a good day. I worked today, subbing in my daughter's class. It was a good day and the class was a great class. At the end of the day, I had to run an errand on post, but it was a quick one and I was able to get it done quickly and then get to studying for my credential test. I have a lot to study, but I think I can get it down in a short amount of time. Mostly it has to do with remembering key vocabulary and teaching terms. If I can remember those, I will do just fine on the test. I have to work tomorrow, but will not work for the rest of the week, just so I have time to study, take the test, and then continue to fix up the house.

It is kinda funny they way my brain skitters off like a distract-able child who sees something shiny every time I think of how close Ian's R&R is. Today, my mind was going down my schedule for the week and the weekend, when suddenly I realized just how close R&R is getting. At that point, I saw the shiny thing and started thinking about R&R and all the plans we have for it. Our trip to Sea World, how excited the kids will be, what I am going to make him for dinners at home, where he wants to go out to eat, our date nights we have planned, the new friends I want to introduce him to.... The list goes on and on. It was literally 5 minutes before I realized that I was thinking about something else before that and hadn't finished that train of thought before I jumped the tracks to R&R.

I really can't help it. I am so excited and the lead up to is making me anxious. I can't wait. I know it is only two weeks, but I will take what I can get. I also think that if I am this excited about him coming home for 2 weeks, what will it be like when he comes home at the end of the deployment? I don't think I will be able to form a coherent sentence at any time in the month leading up to his homecoming. And I am more than okay with that!

My husband is my shiny object, and even far away he is distracting me. One day at a time, I am getting closer to seeing my shiny object in person. R&R is so close!

Day 123: I'll tell you when I am home

"I'll tell you when I am (or you are) home" can be some of the most frustrating words to hear, and that is on both sides of the world. It is common practice for military couples to work at censoring things for the benefit of the other. There really is no Army wife manual or protocol for dealing with deployment. You just have to do what works best for your soldier and learn from the experiences of others. I know that there are some spouses who will only tell their husbands the "butterflies and roses" version of their life back home so they don't worry their soldier. I also know others who will tell everything no matter what. I can honestly say that I am a pretty close happy medium. I censor, but in a way that is more about timing than keeping information from him the whole deployment. If there are issues with the kids or other family members, I ensure he is not heading out on mission before I tell him what is going on. If he is getting ready to head out, if I can, I will wait until he comes back to talk to him about whatever the issue is. So far, it is working for us. He still is included in everyday family life, but it is not distracting him. Like I said there really is no book or anything, we just learn what we can from others who have been through this and we also learn as we go.

Now, my husband is a different story. It isn't about timing for him when it comes to telling me things. It is all about censorship. I understand, to a degree, that there are things he doesn't want to tell me because he is afraid it will scare me. That is where the phrase "I'll tell you when I am home" comes in. He wants to be sure that I know he is okay before he tells me about what is going on over there. It can be frustrating, but again, it is not an exact science. He doesn't have a manual telling him what he should and shouldn't tell me. It is a phrase that I have to be okay with hearing at times. I know when he feels he can, he will tell me. Until then, I have to be patient (not exactly a strong suit for me) and have to find ways to support him and comfort him without knowing the reason behind it. The hardest part is knowing when to back off and just be. I know when he comes home for R&R we can talk about things and give each other feedback on how we think we are doing and what we feel we need from the other. All these things we couldn't anticipate because we didn't know what to expect. But again, we are learning as we go.

Day by day I am making it... I am over 1/3rd of the way done. I love that feeling.

Day 122: 4 months down

Today was a great day, but a day where Ian was missed even more. I took the kids to my husband's unit for a "Trunk or Treat" party. It was a lot of fun, but a little rough at the same time. It was the first time since Ian's deployment ceremony that I have been in that part of post. It reminded me of the day he left. The day I sent my husband off to war. I didn't let it get to me. Instead, I focused on the kids and the fun activities they had for them there. It really was a fun time.

After that, our housing community was having their own party. So, since the kids were already in their costumes, we decided to hit that one up too. It was fun also. This one was more relaxing for me because there was a playground and the kids knew the boundaries well there. They had a costume contest for all the kids and split it up into 0-3, 4-6, 7-10, and 11 & up age groups. The hard part was that Daniel and Natalie were both in the same age group, so I cheered for them both, but would have preferred to only have to cheer for one per age group. Natalie ended up winning for her age, Daniel was in second, and Emily got second in her age group too. Only the first place got the prize, but Emily and Daniel were still pretty excited that so many people cheered for their costumes. 

Overall, a great day for all of us. It may have been the 4 month mark, but it was still a good day for us. Time really is passing at a steady pace. It feels like not long ago that I was celebrating being in the double digits, and then I was ecstatic about making it to 3 months. Now here I am at 4 months down and getting so close to R&R. This deployment thus far has really shown me just how strong I am and how strong my marriage is. My pride in being the wife of an amazing soldier in the United States Army remains undeterred. Despite the dark hours and lonely nights, I am just as proud, if not more, of my husband and the fact that he is defending our freedom. Despite the circumstances, standing behind him has never been so easy. I know that may sound like I am saying this deployment has been easy. Anyone who has read this blog for any significant amount of time knows that is not the case. What I mean by it being easy is that because I am so proud of him and what he does, I don't have to think twice about standing behind him. It has never come into question. I will always support him, and the more he is gone, the stronger my support for him gets.

I know there is still a lot more to go, but I am feeling optimistic. I am taking it one day at a time, and that is helping time go by. Another day down, another day closer to holding him in my arms again.

Day 121: From Miles Away

Today I went shopping with my best friend. We had a lot of fun hanging out and catching up. Both of us have been so busy lately that we have missed out on a lot. We had breakfast, went shopping, and then went to lunch. After lunch I went home to pick up the kids and then had dinner with another awesome friend of mine and her family. It was a great day being able to catch up with my friends and also able to have time for me.

As usual, I have been thinking about Ian a lot and saw this on Facebook. It really made me think of Ian and I thought I would share it with you.

The smile you get for no particular reason, that's me thinking about you. The tingle you get that you just can't explain, that's me missing you. The feeling that you get that someone is watching over you when you need it the most, that's me from halfway around the world. Thinking about, missing, and watching over all my loved ones every day from miles away.

Every time I think about Ian, I get a smile and it makes me wonder if he is thinking of me at that same time too. I just hope that he know I am always thinking of him and missing him.

Day 120: Relaxing

Today has been a good day. I woke up with a headache, so I slept in a little.... well, actually a lot. I woke up for good around 10am when my husband called me on the computer. I talked with him for a while. We set up our date we are having in Austin when he comes home. He asked me if I had made the reservations yet, and of course I had not. So he sat there and looked at me like "well get to it then." It was a pretty funny expression. So I sat there with him and made all the reservations for dinner and the hotel. It is going to be awesome.

Today was relaxing because I didn't have to work or go to school. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I am going to take the chance to catch up with my friend. Tomorrow I am going to meet up with my bestie. She lives 3 hours away so we are going to meet halfway for lunch and some shopping. She is going to help me pick out a new outfit and we will have time to just talk. I am so excited. To top it all off, I will hopefully get to talk to Ian again. I am so excited that I was able to relax today and will be able to do the same tomorrow.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. Anticipation is building!

Day 119: Deep Breath

I am feeling good again today. I am tired, but in  a better frame of mind today than I have been lately. I am happy because I finished my class tonight. I am ecstatic because I am not working tomorrow or Friday. I am taking those days off to recover a little and to get my house back in order. I am euphoric because Ian and I are becoming stronger as a couple everyday. Just when I thought maybe this deployment was starting to cause issues, we rise up and overcome them with God's help. I feel like I can finally take a deep breath and tell myself to relax a little. I am not worried about what I am going to wear to work tomorrow or how I am going to get all of my homework done and get enough sleep so I can make it through the day. All I am worried about is getting up and getting the kids ready for school and being able to talk to my husband (hopefully) on Skype tomorrow. I have missed seeing his face, and I can't wait to see it again, even if it is through a computer screen.

R&R is getting close and all the preparation for it is going to start. I am doing the typical Army wife thing and ensuring the house is immaculate before he comes home. I know he won't care what it looks like, but I still want him to come home to a clean and comfy house. He deserves it and I am actually excited to be able to do this for him. It is not a task that I am going to do grudgingly, but happily. I know it will make him happy and I know that cleaning my house up so much that it shines will mean that he is coming home soon. This is why I am so grateful that I am not working for the rest of this week or the end of next week. It gives me time to deal with everything and get this house put back together after my 3 week long class that made me neglect the house and leave it in the hands of my dad. My dad DID do a great job and it is no where near as bad as it could be, I just know there are things that need to be done, and it is my job to do them. Those things I will do happily.

One more day done, one more day closer to him. :-D

Day 118: Why all the stress?

A lot of people have told me lately that they are worried about me. For good reason, I know. Things have been rough around here with work, school, the deployment, and now the dog dying. People have asked me why I am doing this to myself. Why did I decide now to enroll in the credential program? Why did I decide now to become a sub and look for a job? Why not just hang out at home and deal with the deployment only?

There really are multiple answers for those questions, but really they boil down into two main reasons. Reason one: It is keeping me busy. Not exactly the most solid argument simply because I have gotten into the "too busy" category. Which leads me to reason two, which is really the main reason for all of this.

Reason two: So I can get my credential and be ready to support the family if/when my husband decides to get out of the Army. My husband has been the bread-winner of the house for a while now. I have supplemented throughout the years, but he brings in the main income and health care. Because he is head of the household and the one who is actually in the Army, I have had him make the decision about reenlisting every time it was put on the table. Well, now I am making sure that nothing affects his decision except his own happiness. I don't want him to worry about whether or not we can make it. I don't want him to worry about if the kids will have healthcare. I only want him to decide what he wants. Before it was a combination of the fact that he wanted to continue to serve his country and the fact that we both had not yet graduated from college. Don't get me wrong, every time the question has come up I have answered him the same way I always have and always will. I tell him that it is his decision and we will make it either way. Either way, I will be there to support him and will follow him as long as I am allowed. I tell him that I don't care what I have to do to help get us on our feet after the Army, if he wanted to get out, I would do it. I would do that for him, just as he would for me. I never told him he had to stay in or get out. It is his decision to make. Now, though, I refuse to be the reason that my husband stays in if he doesn't want to. I want the economics of our family to be taken care of either way and for my husband to make the decision based off of what he wants, and only that.

His long term dream is to be a high school math teacher and coach. That is why I am doing this, to help get him to his dream. It may be hard on me right now, but in the long run it will help my family. By getting everything done that I need for my teaching credential, I am supporting whatever decision he makes in the future. Because supporting him is not just about sending packages or letters or wearing a yellow ribbon. Supporting him includes doing what is best for him, no matter how difficult it may be for me. Supporting him is what I do.

One more day is done. R&R is right around the corner and plans are racing through my mind. There is so much the kids and I want to do while he is here, and so little time to do it in. I don't care though, I will take what I can get!

Day 117: I am way too hard on myself, apparently.

Today was another not-so-good day. It is still just left over from this past weekend and seems to be gaining momentum as the day has progressed. At the end of the night, I am so beat down that I feel like a doormat and like I would let just about anyone walk on me right about now.

I have to admit though, I talked with one of my carpool friends today about everything, and it helped a little. She isn't military-related at all, but that was okay because it is really not a prerequisite for me. During our conversation, I literally talked in circles. Telling her I wanted something, and contradicting it in the next sentence. Bless her heart though, beacuse she listened and gave advice as necessary.

I told her that my biggest problem right now is that I feel weak. I don't like that. I am not the weak one. I am the strong one. I am the one that can handle stuff like this and ensure that everyone else pulls through too. I am the one other people go to for support. I am not the one that needs to ask friends and family for help or support. This isn't me. I am uncomfortable feeling like this, but I know it is God working on me once again to tell me that I do not always have to be the strong one. That I need to lean on Him and trust in Him to get me through and bring the right people in my life who will help me as well. Knowing that, I am human enough that I still don't like it. I really can't stand feeling like I need help, or like I need someone to help get ME through it. Now, if it were for my kids or my husband, I would be asking in a heartbeat, because if they need help and I can't give it, then I will make sure that I find people to support them. Me on the other hand, I cannot seem to do that for myself. Again, I know that I should be okay with asking for help. I am just not that good at it yet and it still makes me uncomfortable.

I am getting so excited in anticipation for him coming home for R&R. I am counting down the days, and I love to say that I am one more day closer to him.

Day 116: It is day 3 all over again

It is one of those things that if you say you are doing well, something comes and knocks you off your high horse and brings you right back down. Well, that is kinda what happened to me yesterday. I thought I was doing well and was proud of the fact that I haven't spontaneously cried in a while. I really was doing good, and to be honest, my low feelings right now are not without cause, but still, I am crying over everything right now.

Friday night, my 15-year-old dachshund, Lucy, was not acting like herself and had gone off her food. She had thrown up a few times that day and was just generally more lethargic than usual. I saw that she was showing me that it was getting close to the end for her, so I decided I would make her a vet appointment on Monday. I woke up yesterday (Saturday) morning and she was still alive, but much the same as the night before. Before I left for class that morning, I told my dad to watch her for the day and move her into his room in case she died during the day so the kids wouldn't be the ones to find her. My dad left the house with the kids around 11:30am and she was still the same. We both arrived back home at about the same time (1pm) and my dad walked in first with me and the kids following. Just after we walked in the door, my dad came back around the corner and told me to take the kids back outside. I knew what he meant by that. Lucy had died while we were gone. So, I told the kids to go back to the car because I forgot that we needed to go to the store. I was going to take them, but wasn't sure what my dad could do if animal control was the one to come pick her up. So, I sent my dad with the kids, and started making the calls. I was crying the whole time, even though I knew it was coming, it was still so hard to deal with. I found out that I had to take her in myself and had no idea how I was going to do that. I called my mom to tell her and she said sorry. She then told me to call my dad back and have him take her in for me. So, that is what I did. My dad came back with the kids, I took them and went to get lunch with them, then he joined us later.

When we got back home, I told the kids to go straight to the couch because we needed to talk. The kids asked if it was a family meeting, and I said that it was. So, the 4 of us sat down on the couch while my dad let the other two dogs outside. I told them that Lucy is old and had been sick for a few days, which was something they knew. Then I told them that she died. That was heartbreaking for me. They lost it. I hated having to be the one that told them, but I am the mom and this is my job. I sat their with them and we cried together. I told them that she died a happy dog and that they made her life so much better. They kept saying they missed her and I told them that I did too. Soon, the tears slowed and we were able to say some funny things about Lucy. Like the way she scared the crap out of our two 80 pound dogs, even though she was 16lbs with 6 teeth left. It took a while, but eventually the crying stopped and they were coping with it. While I was telling my kids, my dad went and took Lucy's kennel, cleaned it out, and folded it up. I was grateful, because it was something that I was going to do as soon as they were distracted.

About 15 minutes later, Daniel went outside and built a bed for Lucy for when she "comes back to life." Needless to say, that ripped my heart out. I had to explain that she wasn't coming back and that started the tears all over again.

It was a hard day. Even that morning was hard, telling Ian she was sick. Then I found out something that made my news pale in comparison and I felt stupid for being so upset over a dog. That has pretty much carried over to today. I feel like I am back at day 3 when I had to put Bodie down. I can't seem to go through the day without crying. I don't think that I am crying over Lucy in particular, but over everything: my stress, my dog, my husband, where he is, the kids' feelings that make me feel about an inch tall, my lack of me time, my lack of friend time, everything. I am back to square one at the moment. Crying over everything. Back to where songs are bothering me again, and thoughts of Ian make me cry simply because he is far away and reality has hit me hard. Day 3 sucked.... now day 116 (and day 115 if I am being truthful) sucks too.

Another day is done... which I am very grateful for. I am getting closer to seeing him again.

Bodie and Lucy a little less than 4 years ago. Lucy is the one in the front and she was pregnant in this picture.

Day 115: Army Wife's Prayer

Today has been a rough day. That is pretty much the only thing I can say about it right now. It has just been rough.... Maybe really hard might be a better way to describe it. There isn't much I can/want to write about right now, so I am going to share an Army wife prayer that was shared with me by a fellow Army wife. It is my prayer for the night. It has been a rough day, and I need to keep praying to God for help and for serenity in this life that we have chosen. I cannot be strong all the time, that much I know, but it is in the times of not only weakness but also strength that I need to lean on God to be my strength.

"The Army Wife Prayer"

Dear Lord, Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. 

Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. 

Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. 

And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. 

And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. 

And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen."

Day 114: My daddy's girl

My middle child, (the youngest girl) Natalie, is such a daddy's girl it isn't even funny. She would gladly choose Ian over me any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I don't say that like it is a bad thing, it is just the truth.

She has been hit hard by this deployment because her daddy is gone. She tries to hog the computer away from the other two kids when Ian is online to Skype with us. For the most part she has been doing okay, but has become more attached to me, naturally. She wants to be around me all the time. She is the one that is still crying all the time over Ian not being here. She is the one that walks up to me sits on my lap and tells me she misses daddy. She wears her heart on her sleeve and right now that little heart is hurting.

Lately, I have been working at her school as a sub. Natalie has liked it because I was subbing right next door to her classroom and she saw me all the time in the halls and playground. Today, I subbed for a 2nd grade class and she didn't get to see me as much. When she did see me, she didn't want to detach herself from my side. I literally had to make her go with her class and not with me. After school, she wanted to stay with me while I finished paperwork instead of going home with her brother, sister, and grandpa. She was crying and everything. In the end, she went with grandpa and played at the park while I went back to my classroom. When I got home I talked to her about the fact that she needs to almost act like I am not at school. My being there cannot disrupt her. She started crying and told me she misses daddy and likes being around me at school. With my being in class at night, she said she feels like she lost me too and her time at school is her time with me. Talk about a punch in the gut. All I could do was tell her I love her, and that I know she misses daddy, but that he misses her too and will be home soon. I told her that soon, my classes will be over and I will be home at night every night again, like I have been since we got here. That seemed to lift her spirits, but still was heartbreaking to realize how much this little 3 week course is affecting her.

I know that what I am doing is difficult for the kids and for me. I also know that it is something I need to do and is short term. For now, I am doing everything I can to make sure the kids know I am here for them. Once this is over, I am going to take each child on a mommy and me date. Give them a chance to spend some time with me before daddy comes home for R&R and do it again after he has to head back. I hope it gives them a chance to feel special and to talk to me about whatever they need to. Apparently, Natalie will be my first date.

Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again. Anticipation is growing by the hour.

Day 113: I am making it

Today was one of those busy days but not so much that I felt like I was losing it. I am still insanely tired and have a lot to do, but I am getting it done. It is a good feeling to know that I am close to being done with my class and to getting my provisional certification.

I am crying less and less. Not because I miss him less, but because I am coping with it better than I used to.  It has been a while since I had one of those really bad days where I wanted to curl into a ball and let the world pass me by.  I can look at my husband's picture and not just see the separation, but see the reunion that will happen and the life we will have together at the end of this deployment. I can talk to my kids about their daddy being gone and how they feel about it without having to keep myself from breaking down too. I am stronger than I was at the start of this deployment.

I know I am going to have these kinds of days off and on, but the promising part is that they are happening less frequently. I am making it... one day at a time.

I am doing better. I am making it. I feel like my husband is going to be able to

Day 112: I am happy

I can't really explain accurately how I am feeling. I am feeling a range of emotions and they are hard to explain because they are on opposite sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I am missing Ian like crazy. R&R is so close and yet not close enough. I am also exhausted and stressed with classes. The opposite end of that spectrum is that I am, for the most part, happy. I know, not what you expected to hear from me in the middle of my husband's deployment, but, I am. I am happy with my life.

Sure, I wish Ian were home and that he was here to hold me. The thing is that today, I was telling a friend a story about Ian in basic training. What she heard Ian say in the story was something that I never focused on or thought twice about, because it is just a normal Ian thing. Basically, when he and the other soldiers in training with him were told they had to ship out right away, a few soldiers freaked out, a few were okay with it, and Ian told me that he was mostly upset that he would not be allowed to tell me goodbye. It turned out to be just a "test" to see the soldier's reactions, but I never thought about what his reaction meant until my friend pointed that out tonight. She was so shocked that his first thought was of his wife and child. She said that was a sign of a devoted husband.

After hearing many of my stories over the past few weeks (we spend about 1 1/2 hours in the car a day going to and from school), she was telling me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. I told her that I know how lucky I am and that I love that man so much and am so blessed that I can call him mine. It was when we were talking about it that I realized: I am happy. Sure, it is stressful right now, but I am happy in my life and in my marriage. I am not allowing any outside influences to affect me right now, because I know that my life makes me happy. That is really all that matters. Circumstances right now may not be the best, but that is just temporary. I have learned that I need to look at the life I have with my husband, before, during, and after deployment to allow me to see all of the good there.

The reason I bring this up is because I was so focused on the negative of the deployment making life difficult, that I really stopped seeing that I am happy with my life and that this is just temporary. It really has turned my attitude around and made me grateful for the permanent love in my life, and not focus on the temporary separation.

Another day is done and I am getting closer to seeing him again! R&R, I am waiting for you!

Day 111: Encouragement

You have heard me talk (or on some days complain) about my hectic schedule with work, the kids, and my class I am taking right now. I have written about what my days are like and how little sleep I get. Deep inside, I know it means something and I know there is a reason that I am doing what I am doing. On days like today, however, I am so exhausted and frustrated that I lose sight of why I am putting myself through all of this. It is these kind of days that I get random texts, calls, or emails from my family, friends, and husband. They always try to encourage me.

Today, for example, my best friend, who is a very busy person herself, sent me a text out of nowhere and told me how proud she was of me and how she knew I could do this and do it well. She told me that what I am doing is important and that it will be done before I know it. It was unexpected and yet just what I needed at that time. My parents and various other friends have given me many words of encouragement like this, too. My husband tells me all the time that he is proud of what I am doing and that he supports me, even from halfway across the world. Deep down, I know I am a pretty strong woman, but I also know that without God and the support from my friends (some of which I have never "met" face to face), my family, and especially my husband, I would not be strong enough for this. Their encouragement helps push me through this, through not only this class, but also through this deployment.

Another day is done! I am getting closer to R&R and when that day is finally here, this woman is going to be the happiest woman in the world!

Day 110: Days are flying by

There really is some truth to be told that the busier you are, the faster time seems to go. I can honestly attest to that right now. I am so busy that I can't figure out which way is up. Not that it is a good thing to be this busy, but there is one upside, it is now day 110 and last I really remember was when I was excited about reaching triple digits, or when I hit the official 3 month mark. That is another reason that I have this blog, while it does help me pass the time and put everything into words, it also allows me to look back on the days of this deployment, for better or worse, I can look back and see the days I have had.

Today was a rough day at work, then I went to class and was so tired I couldn't concentrate. I came home and headed straight for my room to get to bed. While my day was not easy, it seemed like it started early this morning, then blurred, and now is over. So, even better for me, this blurred day is now done and I am getting closer to seeing my amazing husband again.

Day 109: Don't care who likes it or doesn't like it

Basically my post yesterday was about people who try to tear down military wives for how we feel. I decided today that I really don't care what people think about me when I say things about my husband's deployment. I am proud to say that I miss my husband so much it hurts and that I love him more and more everyday despite the separation. I am proud to say that I have an amazing husband who serves his country and who loves and supports me just as much as I do him. I am proud to have an awesome soldier-husband to miss and who is worth missing.

Today I am missing him a lot. Today, I am not at my best because I am extremely tired and busy, and the fact that I miss him makes it even worse. I am not ashamed to say it. I MISS MY HUSBAND!!!!!! I know I just have to hold on a little longer and he will be here to visit. Until then, I will just keep missing him, and that is okay because I know that missing him means that I love him and want him home with me as soon as his job over there is done.

Another day done, another day closer to R&R. :-D

Day 108: What did you sign up for?

Today has been a pretty good day. I made an awesome cake for a friend's son, went to the birthday party for the kid I made the cake for, had a good time talking to friends, and left my kids to go to sleepovers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am kidless at the moment. It is beautiful. I fully intend on sleeping in until 8:30 and taking a nice long shower without worrying what the kids are doing in my absence. It should be more peaceful in the morning.... at least I hope.

Why is it that a military wife who says she misses her husband and is sad because of her husband's deployment often gets told that she knew what she signed up for? Why are we not allowed to miss our husbands? Should it hurt any less just because we knew what we were getting into? I have heard many Army wives, as well as myself, get told this when we tell people how we feel. Sure, we knew. We knew we would be single parents off and on. We knew that deployments were part of the job description. We knew that we would have sleepless nights because of our husband being in danger. We knew that and accepted it anyway. Why? Because we love our husbands, are proud of them, and support them in everything they do. We are proud they serve and we serve silently behind them. But, just because we knew that, does it make the pain of separation and the feeling of loneliness any better? No, the pain is the same.

People who say that we knew what we signed up for have never had to have the love of their life in danger for a whole year. They have never had to worry about if the center of their family, the father of their children, was ever going to come home again. Those people can't possibly have ever known the kind of love and passion a woman must have for her husband to stand behind him as he chose to serve his country and ask her to wait for him. If they did, they would not ask. They would understand and would allow us to have our feelings. We don't say things like, "Deployments Suck" or "I miss my husband" because we are shocked that we are in the position we are in. We say those things because we truly do miss him. We support him and know why he has to go, but it doesn't mean we like him being gone. And we do this because those people who say that we knew what we were getting into are not willing to stand with our husbands to defend this country, so we have to.

Another day has finished. R&R is inching closer. I am missing him, but I know he will be in my arms soon.

Day 107: His mood, my mood, our mood

So, today I realized that some of my moods correlate with Ian's moods. He had a rough day a few days ago, and I found myself sympathizing with him to the extent that I was feeling down. Well, today, Ian called, as well as wrote, me telling me about his day. He was in a much better mood and I found myself so happy to hear it that it really set the mood for my day. It was still a busy day that had some ups and downs, but I was still mostly feeling good. I am so tied to him that when he is happy, I am happy. That may sound weird, but it is right for me. Nothing makes me happier than when my husband and children are happy and okay. They are my life and they help make me who I am now. So, to me it is natural that either my husband's or my kids' moods help (or hurt) my mood. The past 3 days have shown that to me.

I am getting giddy because I know my husband is coming home for R&R soon. I love this kind of countdown! One more day is done, and I am another day closer.

Day 106: Bummed

Not to sound too whiny, but today was a bummer kind of day. Basically I wanted a particular teaching job, but after making all the calls and such, I found out that basically I am two weeks shy of being eligible for that position and there is no way to keep if for me until I become eligible, because I can't "Guarantee" I will pass the test, although, I know I can.

So, yeah, I am bummed because in the short time I have been working with this class, there have already been improvements, and they feel like my students. I guess I just wish Ian was here to talk to about this whole thing and for him to hug me. It is one of the three hardest parts of this deployment for me, needing him to hold me and he can't. The other two are when he needs me and I can't be there for him, and when the kids miss him and he isn't here. Everything else is not as bad, but those three things top my "Deployment Sucks" list.

Upside is that R&R is getting so close now. I cannot wait until he is home again, even if it is for a little while. I just miss him! I am getting closer to it, one day at a time.

Day 105: He needs me, and I can't be there.

Today was a good day, but again, I am just spent. I found myself talking to my husband late last night and again earlier today for only a few minutes at each time. I felt helpless. I wanted to be there for him more, but I had to go to work and could not stay on the phone like he needed me to. He needed to talk longer about the not-so-good day he had, and I could only listen for a little bit. I know that hearing my voice and the short time we talked helped him, but I just wish I could have been there for him a little more. This is the kind of day that makes me not like the fact that I am working. It makes me want to stay home and sit at the computer and wait for him to call so I can be there for him.

For tonight, I am going to head to bed and get a good night's sleep before I break. Another day done and I am getting closer to seeing him again.

Also, here are the two cakes I did on Monday and Tuesday night.

Day 104: Pairing down the commitments

Today was a busy day and I am seriously exhausted. I am grateful that I did not have school this week or I would be done. I mostly took on some extra stuff, like two cakes, with the assumption that I had an easy week at work. I was only supposed to work a few half days and one full day. Since I got moved to a full day class for the rest of the week, my prior commitments got a little crazy. In the end though, I got the two cakes done and my dad was my delivery driver.

Today has been a day of reflection. I have really had to think about my main purpose, my priorities, and the things I just like to do, and how I can fit all those in. To add a little more into the mix, I am increasingly getting worse and worse the more I go without talking to Ian, especially when it is because of my being at work. Now, I know I cannot put life on hold and sit around the house all day and wait for his call. I guess I just got used to seeing and talking to him during the day, and I am really starting to miss it. I talk to him off and on, but usually is for maybe 10 minutes at a time. Yes, I have been spoiled with the times I get to talk to him, and I am proud of it. :-)

So, I realized, as I was begging my awesome friend to bake for me last night and as I was sitting here and decorating a cake when I should have been asleep, that I might need to step away from the cake decorating altogether. I do love it. And I will miss it. I just have to focus on my priorities which are my kids, my husband, my work, my class, and sleep. Once things slow down a bit, I might be able to pick up something here and there, but I just have to pick and choose what to do. It sucks, but it is a fact of life, not just for Army wives, but everyone. We all have to choose our priorities and decide what is best for us and/or our families. I think that until I find a full-time teaching job, I am going to have to cut down my sub hours too. I need time to take care of the house, visit the kids at school, talk to my husband, and have some me time. I need that for my own sanity.

The trick is to actually do that. Lets hope I can figure it out. For now, I am another day down and I am another day closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 103: The best laid plans

Today was kind of an up and down day. I substituted at my younger children's school again for the same teacher I subbed for last week. Bonus was that I knew the kids' names already and it was a pretty good day. I had an issue with a child that was an office visit kink of problem. Apparently, the Assistant Principal liked how I handled it so much that she pulled me off the sub job I have for the rest of the week, and asked me to take a class for the rest of this week. I was shocked. I told her that I had no problem with it and was more than happy to help wherever I could. So, I stayed later than expected today to set up for my day tomorrow.

I am so happy that I have full days all week, because it is great experience and also helps out with money. The problem is that I had already made plans to make a few cakes because I knew I would have a two half days and two days I was not going to be working. So now, I am going to have a problem with making these cakes because I don't have the time I thought I did. It just goes to show you that even the best laid plans are never definite. Luckily, I have awesome friends. My cake making buddy, Carmon, is going to help me out by baking one for me and I will decorate it. That will help me out a bunch! So, now, I am going to be busy again this week, even though it was supposed to be an easy week. Oh, well, all things happen for a reason and I think this sub job is going to be a good thing for me.

I made it through another day without him. Happy I made it through, but wish I didn't have to do it without him. We are getting so close to R&R I can taste it!

Day 102: Another special occasion

I have to admire my husband. He is such a loving and devoted father to our children. Today was our oldest daughter, Emily's, birthday. This is the second year in a row he has missed her birthday. Last year he was TDY (or training for you civilians) and had to miss her birthday. Last year, he sent Emily a small birthday present to her through the mail, which meant a lot more to her than if I would have given it to her telling her it was from daddy. This year, he did the same thing. Only this time, he sent her the video game she has been begging for over the past 4-5 months. We wanted to make her wait to open it at the party, but decided to let her open it this morning while she was on Skype with Ian. Her reaction made Ian smile and tear up a little. He knew how much it meant to her. It was an awesome start to the day.

Then, at the party, Ian got up at 2:30am to Skype Emily via my phone so he could sing "Happy Birthday" to her with the rest of us. It really was so cool. Ian was there. He may not have physically been there, but he was there. His dedication was recognized by Emily and she was beaming as she watched her daddy sing to her. It made me cry.

It was at that moment that I realized we are doing something right. We are staying so connected it is amazing. I know technology is helping, but a big part of it is dedication, especially on Ian's side. It is dedication to his wife, his kids, and the life we are living here, the life he is going to come home to. He could very easily have said that talking to her in the morning and seeing her open her gift was good enough and left it at that. But, he didn't he wanted to know what time the party was and what time I would be expecting to sing to her. Then he went to bed early so he could get up to be there for her party. And, he was. He was there with all of his heart, tired as he was, he sang to her, watched her blow out her candles and let her show him her friends. It was so special.

I really couldn't have asked for more from my husband. I really couldn't have asked for a better father for my kids and a better husband for me. He is devoted. It is that simple. Our children know he loves them, and he is bound and determined to be there whenever he can. That is how we have made this work. This is how we are so far apart, yet united as ever.

Another successful, special day. These are the days I am scared of, but today we made it through.

A picture of the cake I made for Emily.

Day 101: Catching up

Today was a pretty good day, aside from the class that I have to be in for the whole morning. Class itself wasn't bad, I was just tired and really did not want to get up at 6:15am on a Saturday to go to class. Mostly I missed my kids. I really haven't seen them much lately, and have wanted to just hang out with them. Today though, they had a kid expo up near where my class was, so my dad came up with the kids and picked me up. We spent over an hour in there and the kids had fun. On the way home, we stopped to pick up the last few things for Emily's birthday party tomorrow. When we came out of the store, I couldn't find my keys. I dumped out my purse completely and they were no where to be found. So, I ran back inside to look for it. I found it in the last place we were at, meaning, I had carried it around the whole store and right towards the end, I put it down and forgot it! I was so mad at myself, because I never walk around with my key in my hand, I always put it in my purse. Shows how tired and stressed I am. We came home and I started on Emily's cake. It is progressing slowly. I think I will do the majority of it tomorrow morning.

Tonight I got to talk to my husband, a lot. He is "off" today (Sunday for him) and the computers were not busy, so we got to talk for a while. It was nice because I had been so busy lately that out conversations have been short and sporadic. I really noticed how much I had been missing because of my job and school. I know it is necessary, and I can't always hang out at home to talk to him, but I want to. I want to talk to him every chance he has to call. My realities and priorities are lined up correctly in my head, but emotionally, I want nothing more than to talk to him every second of every day. For now, our weekends are going to be our cherished time to talk to each other, and that will have to be good enough to get us through.

Inching closer to that finish line, one foot at a time!