Today has been one of those days where it would have been really nice if my husband was home. Luckily, I was able to talk to him over Skype and have him talk to our daughter who was giving me issues. It helped that I got to step back and take a deep breath. I am still not in the best mood, but glad he was able to step in, despite being so far away. It is again another reason why I love technology.
Even though it has been a hard night I try to remain optimistic. Today is day 252. Moving as I have, one day at a time, I am working my way through this year-long deployment we are in. Some days are good, some not so much. No matter what, though, I know this is something I can't just quit. I can't just walk away from it. I can't just say that I am done with it and bring my husband home. It is something I have to see through until he does his time downrange. I will do it, but some days I am better at than others.
Despite the fact that this has been/is one of the hardest years in my life, it has and continues to be a year of growth. It will be a year where we faced adversity and overcame it. It will be a year of transformation and change for all of us. None of us will come out of this deployment the same as we went in... Then again, that is not always a bad thing. We could be coming out of it in better shape than when we went into it. I know that it doesn't always work out that way, but I hope it does. I hope I can say that I learned a lot about myself, about my husband, and about our marriage. I hope I can say that I came out of this deployment stronger than when I went into it. I hope I can say all that, but only time will tell.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Day 251: Aww, he loves me!
I can't seem to shout it out enough just how awesome my husband is, especially through this deployment. Time after time, he does or says something sweet just to show me he cares about me and about how I am doing. Tonight we talked on Skype and brought up finances again. We are both just so excited about paying stuff down that we want to make sure we are staying on track and that we are both on the same page. This time we went over when my paydays are and how much (approximately) we can expect from each paycheck.
Also, we went over when my days off are going to be for the rest of the year, since I have to take one day off every 30 days. Well, my next day off is on the 1st of March. After that the last mandatory day off is in May. Well, my husband told me that he wants me to allocate some extra money to myself that month. He wants me to take that day off and spend it pampering myself and relaxing. I told him that I can't do that because we are trying to pay stuff off and that kind of spending is not okay. He told me that he wants me to have something else to look forward to between the time that my parents are here and the day that my husband is coming home.
Isn't he such a great guy? And he is mine! I love him! I tried arguing with him about it, but he would not allow that and told me that I am going to take some extra money and use it to get a manicure, pedicure, and maybe a massage. Anything just for me. So, I agreed that I would do it. In a way, I would love to have a day like that. On the other hand, I really want to use the money for paying off my student loans. Ian just keeps telling me that I am allowed to spend money on myself every once in a while and that I deserve to be pampered a bit. He truly does care for my well-being and I think he really can understand the stresses of being the one at home.
One day at a time, and I am making it through this deployment. I can't wait until I see him again! Once I am in his arms again and he in mine, this past year will be behind us, and the rest of our lives will stretch out in front of us.
Also, we went over when my days off are going to be for the rest of the year, since I have to take one day off every 30 days. Well, my next day off is on the 1st of March. After that the last mandatory day off is in May. Well, my husband told me that he wants me to allocate some extra money to myself that month. He wants me to take that day off and spend it pampering myself and relaxing. I told him that I can't do that because we are trying to pay stuff off and that kind of spending is not okay. He told me that he wants me to have something else to look forward to between the time that my parents are here and the day that my husband is coming home.
Isn't he such a great guy? And he is mine! I love him! I tried arguing with him about it, but he would not allow that and told me that I am going to take some extra money and use it to get a manicure, pedicure, and maybe a massage. Anything just for me. So, I agreed that I would do it. In a way, I would love to have a day like that. On the other hand, I really want to use the money for paying off my student loans. Ian just keeps telling me that I am allowed to spend money on myself every once in a while and that I deserve to be pampered a bit. He truly does care for my well-being and I think he really can understand the stresses of being the one at home.
One day at a time, and I am making it through this deployment. I can't wait until I see him again! Once I am in his arms again and he in mine, this past year will be behind us, and the rest of our lives will stretch out in front of us.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 250: Accomplishing our goals
I am pretty excited right now for all the changes Ian and I are making in our lives. I have stated before that I wanted to accomplish a lot more during this deployment than what I have accomplished. But right now, I am excited for what I will accomplish and the plans we have laid out and goals we will reach. We are working out budget well and I have been doing really well at watching what I am spending. I am cooking at home more and keeping within budget when we do go out.
As I have told you before, our marriage thrives on communication. It has been something we have been pretty good at throughout our marriage. This deployment, though, has given us more of a challenge, and so far, we have risen to that challenge and are continuing to keep our marriage strong. Last night, we had our bi-monthly (at least) budget talks. We decided what we will need for the next two weeks, what we want, and what we will start paying down this month. We also got our tax return and have decided that it will be used to pay off bills and for our vacation we plan to take when Ian comes home for good. With that money, and a plan to use the rest of my paychecks to pay off bills, we are making a dent in our debt and will have a few payments knocked out by the time he gets back.
Individually, Ian and I are working on ourselves. Ian is continuing to better himself with rigorous PT (Physical Training) and continues to work on new ways to communicate with the kids and me. I am working on myself physically, working towards a 5k in December, as well as working on myself spiritually and emotionally. I am trying to better myself in all aspects, so that again, my husband has something to come home to. Someone who has changed for the better but not too much that I am not the same person he fell in love with.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
As I have told you before, our marriage thrives on communication. It has been something we have been pretty good at throughout our marriage. This deployment, though, has given us more of a challenge, and so far, we have risen to that challenge and are continuing to keep our marriage strong. Last night, we had our bi-monthly (at least) budget talks. We decided what we will need for the next two weeks, what we want, and what we will start paying down this month. We also got our tax return and have decided that it will be used to pay off bills and for our vacation we plan to take when Ian comes home for good. With that money, and a plan to use the rest of my paychecks to pay off bills, we are making a dent in our debt and will have a few payments knocked out by the time he gets back.
Individually, Ian and I are working on ourselves. Ian is continuing to better himself with rigorous PT (Physical Training) and continues to work on new ways to communicate with the kids and me. I am working on myself physically, working towards a 5k in December, as well as working on myself spiritually and emotionally. I am trying to better myself in all aspects, so that again, my husband has something to come home to. Someone who has changed for the better but not too much that I am not the same person he fell in love with.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Day 249: Sunday Sermon
Today at church was one of those sermons that you know God sent just for you. It was one of those ones that you know is a personal slap on the back of the head from God. The title of it was "Worry" and it was from Luke 12:22-28.
The moment the pastor said the title, it immediately made me think back to my posting titled, "Worried." I knew that I needed to listen, now more than normal. And it spoke to me. It told me that I need to trust in God and turn it all over to Him. Let Him help me deal with it. I can't deal with it alone and I definitely can't change anything by worrying. The pastor brought up a quote, but I can't remember the name of the person who said it. The quote was, "Worrying will not wipe away the sorrows of tomorrow, but will take away the strength of today." That really hit me. I know that being concerned about a job for next year is okay. It is worrying to the point of nausea that is not. That is not having faith in God and now allowing God to do what He has planned for me. So, it was right there, in the middle of my church that I asked God to forgive me and asked Him to let His will be done in my life and in this situation. I also asked Him to help me get rid of the worry and to continue to find my strength in Him.
That is not to say that I will not try and get a job. I will continue to put in my application and put my best foot forward with all employers. I will still work hard at getting a job and at making myself the best teacher I can be. The difference here is that I will not allow the worry to consume my life and I will continue to ask God for help and strength in my employment search. I will have faith and know that God will provide for me. I just have to know He will do it in His time.
The moment the pastor said the title, it immediately made me think back to my posting titled, "Worried." I knew that I needed to listen, now more than normal. And it spoke to me. It told me that I need to trust in God and turn it all over to Him. Let Him help me deal with it. I can't deal with it alone and I definitely can't change anything by worrying. The pastor brought up a quote, but I can't remember the name of the person who said it. The quote was, "Worrying will not wipe away the sorrows of tomorrow, but will take away the strength of today." That really hit me. I know that being concerned about a job for next year is okay. It is worrying to the point of nausea that is not. That is not having faith in God and now allowing God to do what He has planned for me. So, it was right there, in the middle of my church that I asked God to forgive me and asked Him to let His will be done in my life and in this situation. I also asked Him to help me get rid of the worry and to continue to find my strength in Him.
That is not to say that I will not try and get a job. I will continue to put in my application and put my best foot forward with all employers. I will still work hard at getting a job and at making myself the best teacher I can be. The difference here is that I will not allow the worry to consume my life and I will continue to ask God for help and strength in my employment search. I will have faith and know that God will provide for me. I just have to know He will do it in His time.
Day 248: Working on me
A friend of mine from work, who is about the same size as me, asked me a few days ago if I wanted to run a 5k with her. I told her she was crazy because the only running I do is if someone is chasing me. Then she said that she was talking about doing one in December and give us a little time to train for it. At first I said no, but then thought about the idea of having a set goal and a set date... Then I agreed to it. Well, I started a program called "Couch-to-5K," which is an app on my phone. It is basically made to help people get on the right track for training for a 5k. My first run was last night and it was a little rough, but I am glad I started it. It basically has you walk for 1.5 min, then jog for a min, and repeat. You do that for a half our, 3 times a week. The next week, it increases your running time little by little, until at the end of the 10 week program, you are running consistently. I have enough time left in the deployment to at least complete this program, which makes me a little happy. I can have at least something I can feel I have accomplished.
The other bonus is that my husband is a runner. And I am saying a serious runner. He loves to run. So, I am hoping that if I can do a 5k, maybe he can run it with me. Granted he will have to run a lot slower than he is used to, but it should be a great experience for us both. I can't wait for that.
I will keep you updated on my progress and let you know how it is all going. I can at least say that I am excited about this, and hopefully that excitement will help me finish what I am setting out to do.
The other bonus is that my husband is a runner. And I am saying a serious runner. He loves to run. So, I am hoping that if I can do a 5k, maybe he can run it with me. Granted he will have to run a lot slower than he is used to, but it should be a great experience for us both. I can't wait for that.
I will keep you updated on my progress and let you know how it is all going. I can at least say that I am excited about this, and hopefully that excitement will help me finish what I am setting out to do.
Day 247: God gave me you
You all know that every once in a while I share some lyrics that have, in some way, hit me on that day or that week. Well, the song that hit me today is yet another country song. It is pretty well known song now and has become a hit love song. It is called "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton. As I was driving around today, running more errands, I heard this song and got a little wistful. It made me think of Ian and of how lucky I am that he is the one God thought me worthy of loving. I am so blessed that God gave me Ian to spend the rest of my life with. No matter how far apart we are and no matter how long the separation, we are still together. We are still a team and will return to each other and continue on this path God has set for us, as a family.
The song has some great verses, some don't apply in a way, but the chorus is dead on. The last verse is about as true as it gets for me. So, here it is... The lyrics to "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton. If you have never heard it, look it up on YouTube. It is a great song.
The song has some great verses, some don't apply in a way, but the chorus is dead on. The last verse is about as true as it gets for me. So, here it is... The lyrics to "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton. If you have never heard it, look it up on YouTube. It is a great song.
"God Gave Me You"
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you
There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you
There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.
Day 246: Mail
Today after school, as is my routine, I checked the mail before heading off post for our Thursday errands and activities. In the mail, I found two cards with the words "Free Mail" written where the postage should have been. They were cards from Ian. One was addressed to me, the other to the three kids. I let the kids read theirs first. My kids read the card Ian wrote to them telling them how much he missed them and how much he is looking forward to their cuddle and wrestle time that they will have in four months when he gets home. The kids all smiled and talked about how they can't wait for their daddy to come home, what their plans are for when he comes home, and how much they miss him.
Then, I opened my card. This is what I saw.
Yup, you guessed it.... I cried. Like a baby, I cried. I had to sit there in the car (luckily the kids were distracted by a movie) and I cried for a few minutes. It was exactly what I needed to hear from him. It has been rough for me for a while now, and sometimes I feel like I am failing him. Sometimes I feel like I am not holding down the fort well enough, like I am not holding on for him. I have felt down. This card told me exactly what I needed to hear, that I still matter and that he feels I am supporting him and holding on to him. It made me feel like I was doing okay at this and that my husband knew that I am here for him. He knows I am waiting for him and will continue to do so until he returns. No matter what we have gone through or will go through, we are there to hold on to each other. I am so grateful to have gotten this card, today of all days was particularly difficult. He sent it over 2 weeks ago not knowing when I would get it, and not knowing that it would show up just when I needed it to.
Then, I opened my card. This is what I saw.
Yup, you guessed it.... I cried. Like a baby, I cried. I had to sit there in the car (luckily the kids were distracted by a movie) and I cried for a few minutes. It was exactly what I needed to hear from him. It has been rough for me for a while now, and sometimes I feel like I am failing him. Sometimes I feel like I am not holding down the fort well enough, like I am not holding on for him. I have felt down. This card told me exactly what I needed to hear, that I still matter and that he feels I am supporting him and holding on to him. It made me feel like I was doing okay at this and that my husband knew that I am here for him. He knows I am waiting for him and will continue to do so until he returns. No matter what we have gone through or will go through, we are there to hold on to each other. I am so grateful to have gotten this card, today of all days was particularly difficult. He sent it over 2 weeks ago not knowing when I would get it, and not knowing that it would show up just when I needed it to.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 245: Worried
Today, I did it. Today I turned in my resume packet to the principal of the school I have been working for. It took me a while to get it done because I was waiting on some reference letters and also, I just couldn't find a way to write my resume and cover letter. I was freaking out because one stupid piece of paper can mean the difference between getting a job, or not. It was too much pressure on that one piece of paper and I was having the worst writers block in my life. Now, though, it is done. I have turned it in and just have to wait and see if I get a job for next year.
Unfortunately, I worry. It is my nature. Something that God is working on me with, but still a huge problem for me. My main concern is that if I can't get a job, then I can't do my internship. If I can't do my internship, I can't finish my certification. If I don't get fully certified, I can't support the family when it comes time for Ian to get out of the Army. I know, pessimist. It is who I am. I have tried to change it, but have failed. I am better than I used to be. I know things will work out as they are supposed to and that God has a plan. My thing is that I want to know what that plan is, now. That, my friends, is not how He works. He doesn't show us His plan, but asks that we trust in Him. Again, something I am still trying to work on and God keeps showing me that I need to work harder. So, here is my attempt. I have turned in my resume packet to the school I would like to work for. I am going to have more resume packets readily available in case another school is interested in hiring me too. I am going to turn in a hard copy to the district to put with my application and hope that helps a little. Then, I will have to wait and see. I will try not to worry, though I know that is impossible for me, but I will not let the worry rule over me and consume every part of me. I will just try as hard as I can and hope for the best.
Here is to hoping that I can get a job next year and set my family up for the future. For now, though, our immediate future is my husband coming home... and time is going.
Unfortunately, I worry. It is my nature. Something that God is working on me with, but still a huge problem for me. My main concern is that if I can't get a job, then I can't do my internship. If I can't do my internship, I can't finish my certification. If I don't get fully certified, I can't support the family when it comes time for Ian to get out of the Army. I know, pessimist. It is who I am. I have tried to change it, but have failed. I am better than I used to be. I know things will work out as they are supposed to and that God has a plan. My thing is that I want to know what that plan is, now. That, my friends, is not how He works. He doesn't show us His plan, but asks that we trust in Him. Again, something I am still trying to work on and God keeps showing me that I need to work harder. So, here is my attempt. I have turned in my resume packet to the school I would like to work for. I am going to have more resume packets readily available in case another school is interested in hiring me too. I am going to turn in a hard copy to the district to put with my application and hope that helps a little. Then, I will have to wait and see. I will try not to worry, though I know that is impossible for me, but I will not let the worry rule over me and consume every part of me. I will just try as hard as I can and hope for the best.
Here is to hoping that I can get a job next year and set my family up for the future. For now, though, our immediate future is my husband coming home... and time is going.
Day 244: Taking him with me
Today I saw a saying that said, "You know they're deployed when... You carry the computer around the house while on a video chat and tell him you are 'taking him with you.'" I laughed at that because I know I do that all the time. Every time Ian calls in the morning, I tell him I am taking him with me downstairs for breakfast. As I am getting the kids their breakfast (and sometimes eating myself), Ian is right there on the computer, watching and talking with me. I always show him around the house and he sees a lot of the house most days just in following me around on my daily routines. It is the best part of having a laptop. Again, technology is my friend in this deployment and has helped keep my family connected
I am getting so much closer to seeing my husband again. We are taking it day by day until we can say we have put our year apart behind us.
I am getting so much closer to seeing my husband again. We are taking it day by day until we can say we have put our year apart behind us.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Day 243: Keeping promises
I have always been big on keeping promises. I think it is an important trait for everyone to have. When my kids were younger they would forget about some of the things I told them they could have later, and to be honest, I forgot most of the time too. Eventually, they would remember and I would fulfill that promise to them. Now as they are older, they don't forget... and they don't let me forget. The only problem is that with this deployment, I am forgetting more and do not have my partner here to help me fulfill the promises.
So, it is something I am working on. I want to make sure that I keep my promises to my kids, even if they may be a day or two later, I will keep them. Natalie wanted me to take her to get her hair cut on Wednesday of this week and I ended up having to help out my friend and watch her kids. She understood that. She knows how important it is that we help out friends, especially since my friends help us out so much as well. Thursday we didn't have time simply because the girls had their own extra things to do. So, I told her we would go Friday. I ended up having a friend's kid that afternoon, but decided to take him with us to get Natalie's hair cut. So, I was able to keep my promise, even with an extra kid in tow.
I have realized though that I have to try harder with keeping promises during this deployment, much like I have to try harder at almost everything else. Had my husband been home, he could have watched the kids on Wednesday for a while and I could have taken her to get her hair cut. Or Ian could have taken her while I watched kids. Either way, we could have divided and conquered and gotten everything done. My kids are also realizing that I am only one person and am doing the best I can to do everything I can for them. Every once in a while, we will have to have a talk about what they want, what I want, and what we can do and handle together.
Today was a day of keeping my promise to my kids. I really wanted to stay at the house and get it cleaned up and ready for the work week. Instead, I am spending the day at an indoor bounce house. I have been trying to find a good weekend where money and time met up and we could go to the play place. This weekend seemed to be a good one. I had no real plans for the weekend so I told the kids we would go today. I had to really fight the urge to tell them that mommy really needed to clean, but the kids are more important. Laundry and floors can wait. My house is not going to fall apart if I wait until tonight to mop and fold laundry. My kids needed this time to get out and play and enjoy their day off school. Let me tell you, it was worth it. They were so grateful to be able to go and had such a great time. Now, I am off to catch up on housework.
Another day done. Another day closer to seeing my husband again. I just talked to him today and we are both so excited about the day we are reunited as a family again. We are getting closer!
So, it is something I am working on. I want to make sure that I keep my promises to my kids, even if they may be a day or two later, I will keep them. Natalie wanted me to take her to get her hair cut on Wednesday of this week and I ended up having to help out my friend and watch her kids. She understood that. She knows how important it is that we help out friends, especially since my friends help us out so much as well. Thursday we didn't have time simply because the girls had their own extra things to do. So, I told her we would go Friday. I ended up having a friend's kid that afternoon, but decided to take him with us to get Natalie's hair cut. So, I was able to keep my promise, even with an extra kid in tow.
I have realized though that I have to try harder with keeping promises during this deployment, much like I have to try harder at almost everything else. Had my husband been home, he could have watched the kids on Wednesday for a while and I could have taken her to get her hair cut. Or Ian could have taken her while I watched kids. Either way, we could have divided and conquered and gotten everything done. My kids are also realizing that I am only one person and am doing the best I can to do everything I can for them. Every once in a while, we will have to have a talk about what they want, what I want, and what we can do and handle together.
Today was a day of keeping my promise to my kids. I really wanted to stay at the house and get it cleaned up and ready for the work week. Instead, I am spending the day at an indoor bounce house. I have been trying to find a good weekend where money and time met up and we could go to the play place. This weekend seemed to be a good one. I had no real plans for the weekend so I told the kids we would go today. I had to really fight the urge to tell them that mommy really needed to clean, but the kids are more important. Laundry and floors can wait. My house is not going to fall apart if I wait until tonight to mop and fold laundry. My kids needed this time to get out and play and enjoy their day off school. Let me tell you, it was worth it. They were so grateful to be able to go and had such a great time. Now, I am off to catch up on housework.
Another day done. Another day closer to seeing my husband again. I just talked to him today and we are both so excited about the day we are reunited as a family again. We are getting closer!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day 242: My awesome family... on a tough day
Today was a good day, with one very hard part right in the middle of it. This morning we got up, got ready for church, and headed out the door. We spent a lot of time at church because it was my weekend to do nursery so we were there for both services. After church we went over to my friend, Lyssa's, house and had lunch and just hung out. Then we went home.
Today was the day that I decided we would tell the kids about Bodie dying. He was the dog that died on day 3 of the deployment. We told the kids that he went to my mom's house because it was too much for them to handle losing their dog and saying "see you later" to their dad for a year. So, we have been waiting for the timing to be right to tell them, but I didn't want to tell them when Ian was home for R&R because I wanted them to be able to enjoy their time. So, with this being a long, busy weekend, I figured it would be a good time to break the news to them.
So, we got on Skype with my mom and my step-dad this afternoon and my mom told them that Bodie had died yesterday. It was hard to do, but the kids took it better than expected. Daniel took it the hardest, and I cuddled him for a while. The girls did okay with it and still talked to my mom and step-dad for a little while afterwards. It was kind of a relief to finally tell them and not have to avoid their questions about Bodie whenever they brought him up. Now they know he is gone and we all can deal with that. After the Skype call, we ended up going to a church thing that was a ton of fun for the kids and helped to distract them. So, the day ended well.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have the parents that I have. They truly are amazing. My mom, dad, and step-dad have all been there for me from day one, and not just day one of this deployment but also day one of my marriage, my children's lives, and, really, my life. During the deployment especially though, they have cared about the kids, Ian, and me. They always call asking how we are all doing, Ian included. They are always sending Ian packages and letters. They call to talk to the kids as much as they can. When I am having a hard day, I can talk to them about it and they are there for me. They may not be former military, but they can and do listen and help where they can. Basically, they are just there for me.
This whole thing with Bodie dying at the very start of the deployment was more than I could take. I had just sent my husband to war just over 48 hours earlier and then had to have the dog that I have had for over 11 years put to sleep because he was in agonizing pain. I couldn't bear to tell the kids. When I called my mom, crying, she told me that her and my step-dad, Jay, would help me tell the kids when it was a good time to tell them and until then he could live happily in their thoughts with my parents. I don't know if my mom and Jay will ever understand how grateful I am for their help and support throughout this deployment (and my life for that matter), it really has meant the world to me.
I cannot forget to mention my dad. He has been insanely supportive too. Heck, he even moved out here for a few months to help me get through a class for my teaching credential. I know I would have been able to do it with the help of friends, but it would have been way more stressful on the kids and me had he not been here. I am so grateful for his help during that time and for his continued support of my husband and me ever since.
That is the one thing I hold in high regard: Support. If someone supports my husband, they are okay by me. My parents tell my husband as often as they can just how proud they are of him and how much they love him. They tell me that too, and also add in that I chose well and that they love their son-in-law and think he is the best dad to their three grandchildren. I have to say, I agree! Back to the point. I could not have asked for better parents. Sure they have their flaws, we all do, but supporting their kids and grandchildren is one one of them. They have been there for us more than any other family member, and for that I cannot express how much gratitude I feel and cannot tell them enough how much I love them.
Mom, dad, Jay: If you read this, THANK YOU! Thank you for being amazing parents to Ian and me. Thank you for being amazing grandparents to our children. Thank you for helping us get through this time of separation and for just being who you are. I love that I can call my parents true American patriots and know that you support my husband as a soldier, husband, father, and son. I love you all and could not have done this without your support and the strength you instilled in me. Thank you.
Today was the day that I decided we would tell the kids about Bodie dying. He was the dog that died on day 3 of the deployment. We told the kids that he went to my mom's house because it was too much for them to handle losing their dog and saying "see you later" to their dad for a year. So, we have been waiting for the timing to be right to tell them, but I didn't want to tell them when Ian was home for R&R because I wanted them to be able to enjoy their time. So, with this being a long, busy weekend, I figured it would be a good time to break the news to them.
So, we got on Skype with my mom and my step-dad this afternoon and my mom told them that Bodie had died yesterday. It was hard to do, but the kids took it better than expected. Daniel took it the hardest, and I cuddled him for a while. The girls did okay with it and still talked to my mom and step-dad for a little while afterwards. It was kind of a relief to finally tell them and not have to avoid their questions about Bodie whenever they brought him up. Now they know he is gone and we all can deal with that. After the Skype call, we ended up going to a church thing that was a ton of fun for the kids and helped to distract them. So, the day ended well.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have the parents that I have. They truly are amazing. My mom, dad, and step-dad have all been there for me from day one, and not just day one of this deployment but also day one of my marriage, my children's lives, and, really, my life. During the deployment especially though, they have cared about the kids, Ian, and me. They always call asking how we are all doing, Ian included. They are always sending Ian packages and letters. They call to talk to the kids as much as they can. When I am having a hard day, I can talk to them about it and they are there for me. They may not be former military, but they can and do listen and help where they can. Basically, they are just there for me.
This whole thing with Bodie dying at the very start of the deployment was more than I could take. I had just sent my husband to war just over 48 hours earlier and then had to have the dog that I have had for over 11 years put to sleep because he was in agonizing pain. I couldn't bear to tell the kids. When I called my mom, crying, she told me that her and my step-dad, Jay, would help me tell the kids when it was a good time to tell them and until then he could live happily in their thoughts with my parents. I don't know if my mom and Jay will ever understand how grateful I am for their help and support throughout this deployment (and my life for that matter), it really has meant the world to me.
I cannot forget to mention my dad. He has been insanely supportive too. Heck, he even moved out here for a few months to help me get through a class for my teaching credential. I know I would have been able to do it with the help of friends, but it would have been way more stressful on the kids and me had he not been here. I am so grateful for his help during that time and for his continued support of my husband and me ever since.
That is the one thing I hold in high regard: Support. If someone supports my husband, they are okay by me. My parents tell my husband as often as they can just how proud they are of him and how much they love him. They tell me that too, and also add in that I chose well and that they love their son-in-law and think he is the best dad to their three grandchildren. I have to say, I agree! Back to the point. I could not have asked for better parents. Sure they have their flaws, we all do, but supporting their kids and grandchildren is one one of them. They have been there for us more than any other family member, and for that I cannot express how much gratitude I feel and cannot tell them enough how much I love them.
Mom, dad, Jay: If you read this, THANK YOU! Thank you for being amazing parents to Ian and me. Thank you for being amazing grandparents to our children. Thank you for helping us get through this time of separation and for just being who you are. I love that I can call my parents true American patriots and know that you support my husband as a soldier, husband, father, and son. I love you all and could not have done this without your support and the strength you instilled in me. Thank you.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Day 241: Soapbox
I hate to jump on a bandwagon, but this one is one that I completely agree with in the whole "Death of Whitney Houston" thing. I don't understand why we, as a country, are making such a big deal out of this. Sure, she had an amazing voice. I personally loved her music and still have many songs on my iPod. Yes, she made a few good movies. Let's get real though people, she was a singer who got hooked on drugs. Why is she such a hero? Why is she an idol? I don't get it. My biggest issue is the state of New Jersey ordering all flags to be flown at half staff..... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!? That is an honor meant for military, policemen, dignitaries, etc who worked and fought for our nation... Not for a celebrity who had a nice voice. It blows my mind how we have become a nation so intent on honoring celebrities and not the real heroes of our time... our military, police force, firefighters.
Yesterday afternoon, ten months after being wounded by sniper fire in Afghanistan, Sgt. Jamie Jarboe returned home to his wife and kids in Topeka to continue his recovery. This is news. I have been following this soldier and his wife on Facebook for the past 6 months and have watched how strong they both have been with all they have been through. To get to this point, where he could be moved to a hospital closer to his family, is nothing short of a miracle and an amazing show of courage from one of our nation's heroes. This is newsworthy. If you check out the story you will see that he was welcomed home like a hero should be, that of which I am VERY proud of. People like those in the Patriot Guard, American Legion and ABATE motorcycle riders are awesome Americans who know what a hero looks like. Those people, most of which are veterans themselves, are newsworthy. They make sure that military members and their families know that their sacrifices, in all forms, are recognized, appreciated, and not forgotten.
Thank you SGT Jamie Jarboe for your service. Thank you Melissa Jarboe for standing behind your soldier and seeing him through the rough time he has had over the past 10 months and the hard times he will face the rest of his life. Thank you patriots, you all know who you are, for showing love to real heroes.
The link to the story is
http://www.wibw.com/home/headlines/Heros_Welcome_For_Wounded_Warrior_139552863.html
The link to SGT Jamie Jarboe's Facebook page is
https://www.facebook.com/jarboefamily
Yesterday afternoon, ten months after being wounded by sniper fire in Afghanistan, Sgt. Jamie Jarboe returned home to his wife and kids in Topeka to continue his recovery. This is news. I have been following this soldier and his wife on Facebook for the past 6 months and have watched how strong they both have been with all they have been through. To get to this point, where he could be moved to a hospital closer to his family, is nothing short of a miracle and an amazing show of courage from one of our nation's heroes. This is newsworthy. If you check out the story you will see that he was welcomed home like a hero should be, that of which I am VERY proud of. People like those in the Patriot Guard, American Legion and ABATE motorcycle riders are awesome Americans who know what a hero looks like. Those people, most of which are veterans themselves, are newsworthy. They make sure that military members and their families know that their sacrifices, in all forms, are recognized, appreciated, and not forgotten.
Thank you SGT Jamie Jarboe for your service. Thank you Melissa Jarboe for standing behind your soldier and seeing him through the rough time he has had over the past 10 months and the hard times he will face the rest of his life. Thank you patriots, you all know who you are, for showing love to real heroes.
The link to the story is
http://www.wibw.com/home/headlines/Heros_Welcome_For_Wounded_Warrior_139552863.html
The link to SGT Jamie Jarboe's Facebook page is
https://www.facebook.com/jarboefamily
Friday, February 17, 2012
Day 240: The end of the week
This week has been a crazy week for me. Insanely busy and mostly frustrating. It has been over a week since my husband has had internet connection and been able to Skype. So it has been over a week since I have actually seen his face. I have to admit that I have truly missed seeing him even if it is via webcam. Seeing him over the computer is no substitute for him being here but it has been something that has kept me going throughout this deployment. I look forward to the days when I get to see him via Skype and our conversations are always the highlight of my day.
I am grateful for the ability to see him when I can because the past week without seeing his face and only talking to him for 5 minutes at a time was pretty rough. It might have been part of the reason this week seemed so difficult for me, but at least I made it through. Tonight Ian and I got to chat on Skype for about 30 minutes. Well, I should say that Ian, the kids, and I got to chat. So, in reality, I got maybe 10 minutes of face time with my husband, but again, something is better than nothing... especially after over a week of not seeing him. It was a good conversation and really funny watching the kids entertain Ian with their usual antics. Such a great evening to a not so great day.
All I know is that I am getting closer to seeing my husband. Every day I am just that much closer to seeing him and I am making it through this.... One step at a time.
I am grateful for the ability to see him when I can because the past week without seeing his face and only talking to him for 5 minutes at a time was pretty rough. It might have been part of the reason this week seemed so difficult for me, but at least I made it through. Tonight Ian and I got to chat on Skype for about 30 minutes. Well, I should say that Ian, the kids, and I got to chat. So, in reality, I got maybe 10 minutes of face time with my husband, but again, something is better than nothing... especially after over a week of not seeing him. It was a good conversation and really funny watching the kids entertain Ian with their usual antics. Such a great evening to a not so great day.
All I know is that I am getting closer to seeing my husband. Every day I am just that much closer to seeing him and I am making it through this.... One step at a time.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Day 239: Perceptions
I had to laugh when I saw this picture floating around on Facebook. It is quite true in most aspects. Those friends who are not military wives (or past military wives) think I sit around waiting for letters. I do wait for letters and phone calls, but I do more than just that. The part about "what my mom or mother-in-law thinks I do," well, that can be applied to what a lot of people think. A lot of people think we military wives just sit around and do nothing all day. There may be a few who sit around, but not all military wives do. I am definitely not one of those. The one showing the women from the Army Wives show saying this is what society thinks we do is pretty funny because it hit the mark. That show is what society sees military wives doing and they take it for reality. The one about what my husband thinks I do is a bit of an exaggeration for me. My husband knows and understands what I do and knows that I am happy, despite the separation. The one that shows what I think I do is pretty funny. I think in our heads we try and glamorize it to help us get through. We live for those reunions and the time we have with our soldiers. What we really do... now that was funny. The woman in that picture is doing exactly what I know I do and have done. She has a phone in one hand, a duster in the other. The kid is on her leg crying and the vacuum is just waiting to be used.... Best part is that she is losing her mind.... Something I can definitely relate to.
I just thought it was a funny picture about the perceptions and assumptions people make about the group I am a part of. Some are true and some are not. Main thing is that every single person is different, even if they are in the same group of people. I have had people, who have only spent a few days with me in the past 7 years, judge me and call me a horrible wife and mother, not caring that those days they spent with me were some of the most stressful and difficult days of my life because of all that I was doing. Yet, to this day, many years later, they still think I am a horrible wife and mother, though I have always been a faithful, devoted wife to my husband and loving, devoted mother to my children. It is just hard to be judged by people who are supposed to know you but really don't, but also hard to be judged by people based on how they have seen other military wives act and they assume I am the same way.
There is kind of a moral to this picture. While it is funny, it also shows that you can't judge someone based off of the group they are a part of or your own perceptions of that group. Get to know them and you might just learn something about their life. Don't judge, because no one is perfect, not even you, but if you see there is an issue with someone, you might just be the one person that can help them. All you have to do is ask how they are and show a genuine concern for them. They may just open up to you and you might learn a thing or two about them. In my case people who judged me would have learned that the time they spent with me was stressful and tiring, and I was bordering on depression. At that time, I asked my husband to take care of our children for the weekend (something that he willingly did) so I could have a few days to just relax in before starting back up with classes and work. It may have looked like I wasn't being a mom, but that was just a few days that they saw. A few days where my kids were well taken care of by their dad primarily and myself as well. I didn't check myself out, I just stepped back and my husband was man enough to step in and help his wife and take care of his family. I know this turned into a bit of a rant, but I know that a judgement hurt me, and it can really hurt other people. So, watch your assumptions and judgements... they more than likely are WAY off.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Day 238: Hey, time really does pass
I can't believe it. Today I saw posted on the unit Facebook page that they are going to conduct reintegration training for families... You know what this means?!?!? It means that we are getting closer and closer to the homecoming. I know we still have over 4 months left, but the fact that they are starting to plan out these trainings shows me how close we are getting.
I am a little nervous about the reintegration training. For those of you who might not know, reintegration training helps teach the families what to expect with the return of their soldiers and how to cope with reintroducing them to our families. It is also to tell us about some of the problems we might face with our soldiers and the fact that all of us will be different somehow. Not just the soldiers, but the spouses too. We all will have changed, it is normal in this experience, but we won't really know until the soldier is home what the changes are or how we will handle them. So, that is what they are trying to do, prepare us for it all. I am nervous mostly about hearing all the what-ifs and the stories. I know it will not all apply to me, or at least I hope, but it is still a concern. I know I am jumping the gun a bit, he isn't even home yet, but it is something that I need to start thinking about now before the excitement of him coming home actually takes over.
At least I can say that time is passing and going relatively quickly for now. I made it through another day and will make it through about 130+ more until he is in my arms again, and all the worry will be just a memory.
I am a little nervous about the reintegration training. For those of you who might not know, reintegration training helps teach the families what to expect with the return of their soldiers and how to cope with reintroducing them to our families. It is also to tell us about some of the problems we might face with our soldiers and the fact that all of us will be different somehow. Not just the soldiers, but the spouses too. We all will have changed, it is normal in this experience, but we won't really know until the soldier is home what the changes are or how we will handle them. So, that is what they are trying to do, prepare us for it all. I am nervous mostly about hearing all the what-ifs and the stories. I know it will not all apply to me, or at least I hope, but it is still a concern. I know I am jumping the gun a bit, he isn't even home yet, but it is something that I need to start thinking about now before the excitement of him coming home actually takes over.
At least I can say that time is passing and going relatively quickly for now. I made it through another day and will make it through about 130+ more until he is in my arms again, and all the worry will be just a memory.
Day 237: My Handsome Date
Today is Valentine's Day. A day I have been dreading all week. Though I was pretty determined to make it good. My husband called me late last night and I was able to tell him thank you for the flowers and "Happy Valentine's Day." We couldn't talk long, but even hearing from him for a minute was enough for me. The fact that he called and I heard his voice tells me all I need to know: He is safe and he love me. Those two truths will get me through the hardest of days.
A few years ago I started giving a single rose to some of my best friends whose husbands were TDY or deployed. I loved being able to bring a smile to their faces and make the day alone just a little bit better. Despite being alone myself, I really wanted to do this for some of my local friends. So, I bought some roses and wrapped them last night. This morning, we left the house really early and dropped off the roses on the doorsteps of my friends' houses. Since it was so early, I just left them there and sent them a text to check their door. It accomplished what I wanted... It made them smile and feel loved. That in turn made me smile and made my day start out really well.
Since I work at my kids' school, today was a really busy day. We had a lot of stuff to cart in to the school and then I had to also worry about the parties for the two classes I taught in today. It was just a busy, crazy day. The kids all had fun, which is the point, but I was beat. Unfortunately, there was no rest for me after school.
Last week my son told me he wanted to go on a date with me. He was very serious about it. My amazing friend, Lyssa, offered to watch the girls for me so Daniel could take me out on a Valentine's day date. I bought him a pair of slacks, button up shirt, and a tie yesterday so he could wear it for our date. He loved it and decided to wear it to school so everyone could see it. I knew it wouldn't make it through the day clean, and I was right, but he was still adament about wearing it for our date. He still looked handsome as ever as we went out.
Before we left the house, I told Daniel some important rules about taking a girl on a date. (He was taking the date thing very seriously, and I want to train him right.) I told him he had to be really nice to his date and should always get flowers for his date. He thought about that for a second, then turned around and grabbed one of the roses I had leftover that was wrapped up on the counter. Then with a huge grin he handed it to me and said, "This is for you, my beautiful mommy date." It about made me cry. He is the sweetest thing.
We went to dinner and had fun just hanging out and talking. When the waitress brought the ticket he tried to tell her he was going to pay for it, and the waitress thought it was cute. So, I handed Daniel my card and told him he could hand it to her. She took it from him and he was so polite and said thank you to her. When she brought it back, I signed the merchant copy and I let Daniel sign mine. He thought that was pretty cool.
After dinner we stopped by the bowling alley on the way back home and played at the arcade for a few minutes. We both had a blast! All in all, a great night and Daniel really was a great date. I told Ian about it tonight when he called and he said he was so proud of him and was glad that I was able to go out. Though I missed my husband, I was glad that I got to have that time with my son. It is a Valentine's Day I will never forget.
A few years ago I started giving a single rose to some of my best friends whose husbands were TDY or deployed. I loved being able to bring a smile to their faces and make the day alone just a little bit better. Despite being alone myself, I really wanted to do this for some of my local friends. So, I bought some roses and wrapped them last night. This morning, we left the house really early and dropped off the roses on the doorsteps of my friends' houses. Since it was so early, I just left them there and sent them a text to check their door. It accomplished what I wanted... It made them smile and feel loved. That in turn made me smile and made my day start out really well.
Since I work at my kids' school, today was a really busy day. We had a lot of stuff to cart in to the school and then I had to also worry about the parties for the two classes I taught in today. It was just a busy, crazy day. The kids all had fun, which is the point, but I was beat. Unfortunately, there was no rest for me after school.
Last week my son told me he wanted to go on a date with me. He was very serious about it. My amazing friend, Lyssa, offered to watch the girls for me so Daniel could take me out on a Valentine's day date. I bought him a pair of slacks, button up shirt, and a tie yesterday so he could wear it for our date. He loved it and decided to wear it to school so everyone could see it. I knew it wouldn't make it through the day clean, and I was right, but he was still adament about wearing it for our date. He still looked handsome as ever as we went out.
Before we left the house, I told Daniel some important rules about taking a girl on a date. (He was taking the date thing very seriously, and I want to train him right.) I told him he had to be really nice to his date and should always get flowers for his date. He thought about that for a second, then turned around and grabbed one of the roses I had leftover that was wrapped up on the counter. Then with a huge grin he handed it to me and said, "This is for you, my beautiful mommy date." It about made me cry. He is the sweetest thing.
We went to dinner and had fun just hanging out and talking. When the waitress brought the ticket he tried to tell her he was going to pay for it, and the waitress thought it was cute. So, I handed Daniel my card and told him he could hand it to her. She took it from him and he was so polite and said thank you to her. When she brought it back, I signed the merchant copy and I let Daniel sign mine. He thought that was pretty cool.
After dinner we stopped by the bowling alley on the way back home and played at the arcade for a few minutes. We both had a blast! All in all, a great night and Daniel really was a great date. I told Ian about it tonight when he called and he said he was so proud of him and was glad that I was able to go out. Though I missed my husband, I was glad that I got to have that time with my son. It is a Valentine's Day I will never forget.
Day 236: #3 on the List of the Hardest Things About a Deployment
Today at work, I got a phone call from a florist wanting directions to my house. He had a delivery for me and couldn't find it. I still had over 30 minutes left at work so he said he would deliver mine last. So, when I came home the florist was here and dropped off some beautiful red roses. They were gorgeous and I really loved them. It was the day before Valentine's Day, but my husband wanted to be sure that I got the flowers on time, rather than late as in past years. I was so surprised when I got them and wished I could call him right then to tell him thank you, but I couldn't.
That is probably in the top 3 of the hardest things about deployment: You can't just pick up the phone and call him when you want to tell him something. There have been so many times that I just wanted to call him and tell him hi or thank you or tell him about my hard day or tell him "I love you" and hear him tell me he loves me too, but I couldn't. I had to wait for him to call and hold it in until then. It is part of the reason I keep all of his voicemails on my phone, so even when I can't tell him what I want to, I can still hear him talk to me and tell me he loves me. So tonight I have been waiting for his call and have not gotten it yet. I am so anxious to tell him thank you for the roses and to tell him how much I love them and how much I love him.
Tomorrow will be rough without him, but I will get through it too, much like I have everything else. It will be another Tuesday to make it through and I know I can do that.
To my love: I know you won't read this in time, but I wanted to tell you thank you for the beautiful flowers. It really touched my heart that you took the time over there to order the flowers for me. I miss you and I love you so much. You are the love of my life and I am proud to be your wife. Stay safe and hurry home to me.
That is probably in the top 3 of the hardest things about deployment: You can't just pick up the phone and call him when you want to tell him something. There have been so many times that I just wanted to call him and tell him hi or thank you or tell him about my hard day or tell him "I love you" and hear him tell me he loves me too, but I couldn't. I had to wait for him to call and hold it in until then. It is part of the reason I keep all of his voicemails on my phone, so even when I can't tell him what I want to, I can still hear him talk to me and tell me he loves me. So tonight I have been waiting for his call and have not gotten it yet. I am so anxious to tell him thank you for the roses and to tell him how much I love them and how much I love him.
Tomorrow will be rough without him, but I will get through it too, much like I have everything else. It will be another Tuesday to make it through and I know I can do that.
To my love: I know you won't read this in time, but I wanted to tell you thank you for the beautiful flowers. It really touched my heart that you took the time over there to order the flowers for me. I miss you and I love you so much. You are the love of my life and I am proud to be your wife. Stay safe and hurry home to me.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Day 235: Compromise
Today was a pretty good day. I didn't have to be at church until 11am today, which gave me some time to rest a little bit. I woke up with a bad headache and was still really tired, so while the kids watched TV, I laid on the couch with them. It helped my headache out a lot. We went to church at 11am and after church decided to go get Daniel a haircut. Apparently, the majority of the post was doing that because it took over an hour to get into the barber. It was nuts.
Daniel was mad at me most of the morning because when I talked to him about getting his hair cut, he insisted on a Mohawk. Anyone who knows me knows that giving my kid a Mohawk was not my thing. So, while sitting there, I thought of a compromise. I had the barber cut his hair so it could be spiked. Then, when she started to style it, I asked if I could use the comb and do it. Then, I formed a fo-hawk (a fake Mohawk). Daniel looked at it and thought it was cool and it looked really cute on him. So, I let him keep it for the day. I kinda hope that tomorrow he will forget about it and won't make me do it again... though I am not holding out much hope.
The Mohawk was something that I realized was not something that I really wanted to fight over. I still stood my ground in that he didn't get it shaved that way, but he still got the look he wanted. I am able to control the look and if it is not "appropriate" (in my mind) for a Mohawk, then I can spike it or try and comb it down. So, it turns out that this is a pretty good compromise because I still get what I want, and he gets to try out new styles that aren't permanent. Success.
Another day down, another day closer to seeing my amazing husband again. Getting closer... One step at a time.
Daniel was mad at me most of the morning because when I talked to him about getting his hair cut, he insisted on a Mohawk. Anyone who knows me knows that giving my kid a Mohawk was not my thing. So, while sitting there, I thought of a compromise. I had the barber cut his hair so it could be spiked. Then, when she started to style it, I asked if I could use the comb and do it. Then, I formed a fo-hawk (a fake Mohawk). Daniel looked at it and thought it was cool and it looked really cute on him. So, I let him keep it for the day. I kinda hope that tomorrow he will forget about it and won't make me do it again... though I am not holding out much hope.
The Mohawk was something that I realized was not something that I really wanted to fight over. I still stood my ground in that he didn't get it shaved that way, but he still got the look he wanted. I am able to control the look and if it is not "appropriate" (in my mind) for a Mohawk, then I can spike it or try and comb it down. So, it turns out that this is a pretty good compromise because I still get what I want, and he gets to try out new styles that aren't permanent. Success.
Another day down, another day closer to seeing my amazing husband again. Getting closer... One step at a time.
Day 234: I Still Do...
That was the theme of the marriage conference: I still do. It basically took the key parts of the typical vow and broke it down into 4 sections: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and to honor and cherish till death do us part. It was actually really awesome for me, because 4 pastors along with their wives spoke on these 4 things and related it to God's love. Two of the couples had been married over 30 years, one was 17 years, and the other was 10 years. So, they all have some things to tell us.
Each couple told us their story. Some told us about what they believed it took to keep their marriage strong over the past however many years, others told personal struggles in their own lives that impacted their marriage. All of them were easy to identify with and easy for me personally to relate to them and even aspire to keep my own marriage healthy. They brought in scriptures that supported what they were talking about and how they lived in their marriage. They showed us that marriage IS a forever concept and the vows we take are not something to be broken lightly. They did not preach to the people there that may have been divorced before their current marriage, only they told them that this is the vow they will be keeping. They were encouraging to those people because they know that they do not know the reason for those particular people's divorce and would not want to judge people in a blanket manner.
At the very end, the couple who had been married the longest gave the last part: "To love and to cherish till death do us part." There were a few things that really got me. One was when he was talking about cherishing things: people, love, hope, faith. He said that the military wife who sends her husband off to war cherishes the hope that he will come home to her. That made me cry, because I do. I cherish that hope and that idea that he is coming home to me and that I have such a great man to love, who loves me in return. Then at the very end. They looked at each other and said, "I still do....to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part" It was so sweet that it made me miss my husband more and wish he were here next to me to be able to tell him that too.
I haven't been able to really talk to Ian for any real length of time recently, so I will say it here. I still do. I still vow my love to Ian...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part. In writing for the world to see, I vow to continue by his side. This marriage conference taught me a lot about being a wife, especially in a Christian marriage and I fully intend to keep my marriage going through this deployment and for the rest of my life.
Each couple told us their story. Some told us about what they believed it took to keep their marriage strong over the past however many years, others told personal struggles in their own lives that impacted their marriage. All of them were easy to identify with and easy for me personally to relate to them and even aspire to keep my own marriage healthy. They brought in scriptures that supported what they were talking about and how they lived in their marriage. They showed us that marriage IS a forever concept and the vows we take are not something to be broken lightly. They did not preach to the people there that may have been divorced before their current marriage, only they told them that this is the vow they will be keeping. They were encouraging to those people because they know that they do not know the reason for those particular people's divorce and would not want to judge people in a blanket manner.
At the very end, the couple who had been married the longest gave the last part: "To love and to cherish till death do us part." There were a few things that really got me. One was when he was talking about cherishing things: people, love, hope, faith. He said that the military wife who sends her husband off to war cherishes the hope that he will come home to her. That made me cry, because I do. I cherish that hope and that idea that he is coming home to me and that I have such a great man to love, who loves me in return. Then at the very end. They looked at each other and said, "I still do....to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part" It was so sweet that it made me miss my husband more and wish he were here next to me to be able to tell him that too.
I haven't been able to really talk to Ian for any real length of time recently, so I will say it here. I still do. I still vow my love to Ian...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part. In writing for the world to see, I vow to continue by his side. This marriage conference taught me a lot about being a wife, especially in a Christian marriage and I fully intend to keep my marriage going through this deployment and for the rest of my life.
Day 233: Preparing
Today is Friday. I just finished another work week... Something that always makes my day better. The fact that I made it through a week of work and am still going is something that always puts me in a better mood. I love the fact that I can say I am getting one week closer, instead of just one day. It is more of an accomplishment for me in a way.
Tonight I am getting myself ready to head to a marriage conference put on by my church. It is an hour drive away from here, and we have to leave pretty early, so I am hoping I can actually make it there in time... Since I am rarely on time. I know I am going to this conference for a reason. It is geared towards couples, but the welcome singles too. I am still a part of a couple, even if we are geographically separated. So, I am going. I figure it will be good for me to hear, whether Ian is there or not. I am hoping they will video it or at least record it so I can get it and send it to Ian so he can be a part of it too.
So, for now, I am heading to bed. Preparing for tomorrow and the weekend ahead. Then looking towards and preparing for next week and the holiday that is coming... Valentine's Day. I know I can't jump the gun here, and I will try really hard to wait and see what the day brings. Who knows, I might be surprised.
I am getting so much closer to seeing my husband again. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.
Tonight I am getting myself ready to head to a marriage conference put on by my church. It is an hour drive away from here, and we have to leave pretty early, so I am hoping I can actually make it there in time... Since I am rarely on time. I know I am going to this conference for a reason. It is geared towards couples, but the welcome singles too. I am still a part of a couple, even if we are geographically separated. So, I am going. I figure it will be good for me to hear, whether Ian is there or not. I am hoping they will video it or at least record it so I can get it and send it to Ian so he can be a part of it too.
So, for now, I am heading to bed. Preparing for tomorrow and the weekend ahead. Then looking towards and preparing for next week and the holiday that is coming... Valentine's Day. I know I can't jump the gun here, and I will try really hard to wait and see what the day brings. Who knows, I might be surprised.
I am getting so much closer to seeing my husband again. I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Day 232: The Mayonnaise Jar
I found this on Facebook tonight and it was just what I needed to see. It was put in front of me at just the right time. It reminds me to focus on the important things and to set my priorities. I think I am doing okay with it, but never really perfect. It is funny because just after I read this story my daughter, who was supposed to be in bed, runs down the stairs in a panic. She tells me that she promised her friends she would show me their headbands and have me fix them. My first reaction was telling her that she should be in bed and that the girls' moms would fix them. So, I told her to have her friends first ask their moms then if they couldn't do it, to bring them back here and I would do it. Then, I paused, and realized that it would not kill me to take 5 minutes out of my mom time to fix these headbands for little girls I didn't even really know. So, I told her to hand them to me and I would fix them as best I could. She then gave me the biggest smile, said thank you, and went to bed. It was one of those things that I realized I needed to put my daughter first over myself. She is so caring, that she told her friends that her mom could fix them. Which means she really thinks a lot of what I can do and that I care about these little things. It makes me glad that I took the few minutes to take care of the headbands and show my daughter that I care about all aspects of her life. So, here it is....
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The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you...” he told them.
“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
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Now, time for me to find that cup of coffee with some friends I have been missing lately.
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The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you...” he told them.
“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
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Now, time for me to find that cup of coffee with some friends I have been missing lately.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day 231: My second goal
Last night when I posted about my goals last night, I stated what my first goal was but did not tell about my other goal that is a deployment-long goal as well. I have tried very hard throughout this deployment to ensure that my husband knows that he is needed as the head of our family. I also want to make sure he knows that no matter how far away he is, he still sits at the head of the household and still makes decisions about everything possible that has to do with our family.
So far we are doing well with it. Ian and I talk about finances every month, at least twice a month. Anything major I do is brought up with him if time permits and he helps make decisions with me. He talks to the kids about their behavior and gives them praises as warranted. He talks me through fixing things around the house and gives me advice on dealing with the stresses of the day. He reminds me that the oil needs to be changed on the van and when I need to drive his Jeep.
The main goal I have realized that comes from all this is that I have is to make sure my husband knows when he comes home that he is needed and his presence in our home makes all the difference in our lives. I want to make sure that when he does come home he does not think that there is no room for him anymore. So many times, I have heard wives of deployed soldiers say that they don't think they can give the responsibilities they have taken over back to their husbands. It is not a helpful way to think and does not help the reintegration of the soldier. That is why I am most adamant about not taking everything over completely and making sure that I share everything I can with my husband. It will make it easier for both of us to resume our roles when he comes home. He can take back over his normal duties and I can lean on him again as the head of the house. I hope it will make reintegration easier on him, which is something I really want to do for him.
So far we are doing well with it. Ian and I talk about finances every month, at least twice a month. Anything major I do is brought up with him if time permits and he helps make decisions with me. He talks to the kids about their behavior and gives them praises as warranted. He talks me through fixing things around the house and gives me advice on dealing with the stresses of the day. He reminds me that the oil needs to be changed on the van and when I need to drive his Jeep.
The main goal I have realized that comes from all this is that I have is to make sure my husband knows when he comes home that he is needed and his presence in our home makes all the difference in our lives. I want to make sure that when he does come home he does not think that there is no room for him anymore. So many times, I have heard wives of deployed soldiers say that they don't think they can give the responsibilities they have taken over back to their husbands. It is not a helpful way to think and does not help the reintegration of the soldier. That is why I am most adamant about not taking everything over completely and making sure that I share everything I can with my husband. It will make it easier for both of us to resume our roles when he comes home. He can take back over his normal duties and I can lean on him again as the head of the house. I hope it will make reintegration easier on him, which is something I really want to do for him.
Day 230: Making Deployment Count... Well as best I can
So tonight I realized that I have about 4 1/2 months left of this deployment. That is a good thing!..... Mostly. I am happy that time is passing and that I am getting closer to being reunited with my husband again.... Check that, I am ecstatic that I am only 4 1/2 months away from him coming home. The only bummer (and I use that term very lightly) is that I feel like I have not accomplished what I wanted to this deployment and having only 4 1/2 months left does not give me enough time to do so.
When the deployment started, I thought I would be able to get back on track with eating healthier. I figured once I got settled here, I would work on making myself healthier again. I did it two summers ago when Ian was gone for trainings off and on, and I did really well at it. So, I figured I would be able to do it again, this time with a whole year to get some progress made. Well, I kept putting it off and putting it off (you know the "I will start tomorrow" way of thinking). Now, here I am with only 4 1/2 months left, and I have not changed much until just recently. I am not doing as well as I was last time, but I am slowly making changes.
Money wise I had hoped to be doing better. I had hoped that I would have a lot of money saved up or a lot of debt paid off. Well, that hasn't happened either. Any "extra" money we were making from the deployment is going to paying for the phone calls and internet from Afghanistan. It is also going to packages and various other wants/needs that my husband has over there as well as helping to take care of his soldiers. We just haven't really made a lot of extra money. All the money I have made so far has gone into catching up on bills and paying for Christmas/birthdays. Now, with 4 1/2 months left, we are just now starting to pay off bills. We will not be making as big of a dent in our debt as I wanted (mostly I was hoping to have my student loans paid off), but something is better than nothing.
While I have not done all that I wanted to just yet, I know that I still have some time to go. I also know that my first goal of making it through the deployment is still to have something for my husband to come home to, which I am on target for.
Working towards my goals and the homecoming one step at a time, one day at a time.
When the deployment started, I thought I would be able to get back on track with eating healthier. I figured once I got settled here, I would work on making myself healthier again. I did it two summers ago when Ian was gone for trainings off and on, and I did really well at it. So, I figured I would be able to do it again, this time with a whole year to get some progress made. Well, I kept putting it off and putting it off (you know the "I will start tomorrow" way of thinking). Now, here I am with only 4 1/2 months left, and I have not changed much until just recently. I am not doing as well as I was last time, but I am slowly making changes.
Money wise I had hoped to be doing better. I had hoped that I would have a lot of money saved up or a lot of debt paid off. Well, that hasn't happened either. Any "extra" money we were making from the deployment is going to paying for the phone calls and internet from Afghanistan. It is also going to packages and various other wants/needs that my husband has over there as well as helping to take care of his soldiers. We just haven't really made a lot of extra money. All the money I have made so far has gone into catching up on bills and paying for Christmas/birthdays. Now, with 4 1/2 months left, we are just now starting to pay off bills. We will not be making as big of a dent in our debt as I wanted (mostly I was hoping to have my student loans paid off), but something is better than nothing.
While I have not done all that I wanted to just yet, I know that I still have some time to go. I also know that my first goal of making it through the deployment is still to have something for my husband to come home to, which I am on target for.
Working towards my goals and the homecoming one step at a time, one day at a time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Day 229: Visitors are coming!!!!
So, I found out over the weekend that my mom and step-dad are coming to visit next month! I cannot explain how excited I am for them to come visit me. I don't know what it is, but I have been wanting them to come visit. I miss them more than I have in a long while. Not because I love them more or less, just that I think I need them right now. I just need my mom, even if it is for a weekend to come visit me and talk with me and just hug me. I need my other dad too. He has been a big part of my life since I was 10 and I could really use one of his hugs too.
This all came about because my mom and I were talking about plans for her to come visit. I had told her that I really missed her and wanted to see her so badly and that the kids were bummed at Christmas time when her and Jay were not able to make it out like they have the past 3 years. So, my mom asked if I would want her to come visit before Ian came come or when Ian came home. I told her that selfishly, I wanted her to come visit ASAP, because I miss her. But, I also know that having someone else here, not just me, to greet Ian home from war would mean a lot to him. It is about him knowing that more than just his wife and kids missed him. Anyways, so I told her to save her tickets for when Ian comes home. I told her also that we might be coming her way to visit a few weeks after Ian comes home and that I didn't want her to feel like she was wasting her tickets. And this is what I love about my mom.... She told me it would NEVER be a waste to see her son come home. She is so proud of Ian and so happy to be able to be here to show him how proud she is. So, I thought it was settled that my mom and step-dad were coming to visit around the time my husband comes home.
Now, they are going to do both!!!!!!! They are visiting the kids and me now, and will come again for Ian's homecoming. I can't tell you how much support I feel from my family right now. My dad came out to live with me for a few months so I could get my credential and then came back out for Christmas. Now, my mom and step-dad are going to visit me because I need the visit and for no other reason (other than their needed grandbaby fix). Then they are coming out to welcome my hero husband home from Afghanistan. I could not ask for more supportive parents than those that I have. Another reason that I am blessed!
This all came about because my mom and I were talking about plans for her to come visit. I had told her that I really missed her and wanted to see her so badly and that the kids were bummed at Christmas time when her and Jay were not able to make it out like they have the past 3 years. So, my mom asked if I would want her to come visit before Ian came come or when Ian came home. I told her that selfishly, I wanted her to come visit ASAP, because I miss her. But, I also know that having someone else here, not just me, to greet Ian home from war would mean a lot to him. It is about him knowing that more than just his wife and kids missed him. Anyways, so I told her to save her tickets for when Ian comes home. I told her also that we might be coming her way to visit a few weeks after Ian comes home and that I didn't want her to feel like she was wasting her tickets. And this is what I love about my mom.... She told me it would NEVER be a waste to see her son come home. She is so proud of Ian and so happy to be able to be here to show him how proud she is. So, I thought it was settled that my mom and step-dad were coming to visit around the time my husband comes home.
Now, they are going to do both!!!!!!! They are visiting the kids and me now, and will come again for Ian's homecoming. I can't tell you how much support I feel from my family right now. My dad came out to live with me for a few months so I could get my credential and then came back out for Christmas. Now, my mom and step-dad are going to visit me because I need the visit and for no other reason (other than their needed grandbaby fix). Then they are coming out to welcome my hero husband home from Afghanistan. I could not ask for more supportive parents than those that I have. Another reason that I am blessed!
Day 228: Super Bowl Sunday
Today was great. I went to church this morning. Heard a great message and then played with the babies in the nursery. After that service, a bunch of ladies in the church went to lunch while the men stayed back to watch the kids. We were able to have some time to relax without the kids and really fellowship with one another. All in all it was quite enjoyable.
After that, I went and picked up my kids and came home. My awesome friend, Lyssa, came over to my house after church and we had a mini Super Bowl party. It was just the two of us and our 7 kids, along with lots of snacks and juice. They came about 2 hours before the actual kickoff, which meant more talk time for me :-) and more playtime for the kids. Once the game started we watched it on and off, but mostly we talked. Not a big surprise for me. And not shockingly, I did most of the talking. It is a nasty habit, I know, but I really can't help myself. I am a talker. I didn't realize how much I needed to just get stuff off my chest until I started telling Lyssa about everything that was going on. She is one of the few people in my life that will ask me how I am doing and when I answer with my typical, "I am okay," she will call me on it. That is about the time she tells me to cut the crap and tell her what is REALLY going on. Again, that is what happened today. She called me on it, and I spilled it. Once I started talking, I didn't stop. Talking out some of the issues with her and getting her outside opinion really helped. She keeps it real with me and is not afraid to tell me when I am being stupid. She tells me when I am wrong or when my feelings are not completely off base. Like I said, it was so nice to be able to talk to someone who would listen and be honest and real with me.
God has blessed me during this deployment in ways I was not expecting. To be honest, I thought I would be completely alone in this deployment with my only form of support being my best friend (who is 3 hours away) and my family (who are all a 2 day drive away). Now, I have not only my best friend and my family, I also have some really awesome friends here, a great bible study that I am connecting in, a pastor who is great, a pastor from Ian's college years who lives an hour away and still gives me a ton of support, and a new set of neighbors that I am connecting with. God really has shown me that he would not let me go through this alone. I know that I have God as my main support and he put all these other people in my life to be my support here on earth. I am blessed and am making it through day by day because of these blessings.
After that, I went and picked up my kids and came home. My awesome friend, Lyssa, came over to my house after church and we had a mini Super Bowl party. It was just the two of us and our 7 kids, along with lots of snacks and juice. They came about 2 hours before the actual kickoff, which meant more talk time for me :-) and more playtime for the kids. Once the game started we watched it on and off, but mostly we talked. Not a big surprise for me. And not shockingly, I did most of the talking. It is a nasty habit, I know, but I really can't help myself. I am a talker. I didn't realize how much I needed to just get stuff off my chest until I started telling Lyssa about everything that was going on. She is one of the few people in my life that will ask me how I am doing and when I answer with my typical, "I am okay," she will call me on it. That is about the time she tells me to cut the crap and tell her what is REALLY going on. Again, that is what happened today. She called me on it, and I spilled it. Once I started talking, I didn't stop. Talking out some of the issues with her and getting her outside opinion really helped. She keeps it real with me and is not afraid to tell me when I am being stupid. She tells me when I am wrong or when my feelings are not completely off base. Like I said, it was so nice to be able to talk to someone who would listen and be honest and real with me.
God has blessed me during this deployment in ways I was not expecting. To be honest, I thought I would be completely alone in this deployment with my only form of support being my best friend (who is 3 hours away) and my family (who are all a 2 day drive away). Now, I have not only my best friend and my family, I also have some really awesome friends here, a great bible study that I am connecting in, a pastor who is great, a pastor from Ian's college years who lives an hour away and still gives me a ton of support, and a new set of neighbors that I am connecting with. God really has shown me that he would not let me go through this alone. I know that I have God as my main support and he put all these other people in my life to be my support here on earth. I am blessed and am making it through day by day because of these blessings.
Day 227: Extrovert
Today I delivered the cake to the family of the birthday child and they loved it. My kids were really helpful this morning too. They were well behaved and my son was so cute because he kept telling me how great the cake was and how he wanted to go to that birthday party. I explained that we couldn't but told him that he was going to go with me when we delivered it. He accepted that and went on about his morning.
After we delivered the cake, the kids were able to play outside in our CLEAN backyard. All the leaves were gone and the yard looked so much better. I also was able to play with them in and out of the house. They kids then went to the neighbor's house to play. The neighbors were having a small party and invited me over. I am not a huge fan of the sport they were watching, but I was loving being able to just hang out with other adults for the night and talk.
I am an extrovert and talking to people is what I do. That has probably been one of the hardest parts of the deployment... not having an adult to physically talk to every night. I miss it. Working helps but there is not a lot of time in the day that I can actually have a conversation with an adult. Where as most of my time is spent, of course, teaching kids and talking to the 4-year-olds. I still talk to Ian at night, as much as possible, and that helps. It is just the consistent conversation I am missing. So, tonight, even though I didn't really know many people, was nice. I was able to talk to a few people and, even though I didn't talk a lot, I was around adults.
Then, Ian called and I came home to talk to him. It was actually good timing because I have church tomorrow morning and am working in the nursery. So, off to bed I go to hopefully dream of the love of my life and of the day I can run back into his arms.
After we delivered the cake, the kids were able to play outside in our CLEAN backyard. All the leaves were gone and the yard looked so much better. I also was able to play with them in and out of the house. They kids then went to the neighbor's house to play. The neighbors were having a small party and invited me over. I am not a huge fan of the sport they were watching, but I was loving being able to just hang out with other adults for the night and talk.
I am an extrovert and talking to people is what I do. That has probably been one of the hardest parts of the deployment... not having an adult to physically talk to every night. I miss it. Working helps but there is not a lot of time in the day that I can actually have a conversation with an adult. Where as most of my time is spent, of course, teaching kids and talking to the 4-year-olds. I still talk to Ian at night, as much as possible, and that helps. It is just the consistent conversation I am missing. So, tonight, even though I didn't really know many people, was nice. I was able to talk to a few people and, even though I didn't talk a lot, I was around adults.
Then, Ian called and I came home to talk to him. It was actually good timing because I have church tomorrow morning and am working in the nursery. So, off to bed I go to hopefully dream of the love of my life and of the day I can run back into his arms.
Day 226: Fridays
Today was a typical Friday. We all went to work/school. The kids seemed to have a good day all the way around. We got a few things done as a family after school and I even worked on a cake for an organization That helps to bring cakes to kids whose parents cannot afford to get them one.
I really enjoyed making that cake tonight. Lately, making cakes has become a chore rather than fun for me. Mostly, I think, I wasn't liking it as much because I felt like I was drowning with everything else, and my cakes were just another bucket of water thrown on me. The cake I did before this one for my friend's kid was the first one in a while that I really felt a passion for. The one I did tonight was for a stranger and I really felt the passion for making the cake. It turned out well and I am pretty happy with it.
I know I have a long way to go and that everyday is not going to be great, but I love the fact that I enjoyed decorating a cake for people. Hopefully they will love the cake as much as I hope they do.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
I really enjoyed making that cake tonight. Lately, making cakes has become a chore rather than fun for me. Mostly, I think, I wasn't liking it as much because I felt like I was drowning with everything else, and my cakes were just another bucket of water thrown on me. The cake I did before this one for my friend's kid was the first one in a while that I really felt a passion for. The one I did tonight was for a stranger and I really felt the passion for making the cake. It turned out well and I am pretty happy with it.
I know I have a long way to go and that everyday is not going to be great, but I love the fact that I enjoyed decorating a cake for people. Hopefully they will love the cake as much as I hope they do.
Another day done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Day 225: Shouldn't it be easier by now?
02/01/2012
I am finding it harder, not easier, to keep doing the little things now that I was doing at the start of the deployment. Everything in general feels like it is getting harder and not easier to deal with. Maybe the length of time is wearing me down instead of making me stronger. I don't know. I just know that I have felt immensely guilty for not keeping up with my emails to my husband every night and slacking a bit on my blog. I just get so tired and run down, that I start to write something, and decide to give up on it for that time and take myself to bed. I have a few unfinished emails, and this posting was a victim of this nasty habit I have gotten in. I just picked it back up after stopping it. It is just becoming harder and harder to continue what I set out to do from the start of this deployment.
Some things haven't changed, like my stubbornness to make sure that I get through this deployment well. I am stubborn enough that that particular goal won't change... at least I hope. My devotion to my husband and the pride I feel in him has not changed either, even if the frequency in packages and emails has. I still talk to him as often as he is available and do whatever I can for him. It is just getting harder to make it to the store and the post office to send him a package.
I don't understand it. Most people say that over time you get stronger. You will become adept at your routine and be able to deal with it all so much better than at the start. That you will accustom yourself to your temporary reality without your husband and be able to run your life and house without many issues. I feel almost weaker. I feel like I am letting myself and my husband down. Not the best feeling to have. I know that in a way it isn't true, because I am still doing a lot, I am still here, and I still love my husband more than any man on this earth. On the other hand though, it is just a little bit unnerving to feel like things are getting harder because it makes you wonder "What the hell have I been doing this whole time? Wasn't I supposed to be making it easier on myself? What gives?"
I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I do know that no matter what, I am moving through it one day at a time. Each day I can mark off my calendar, good or bad, is another day that I am closer to holding the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my husband, in my arms again. I have said it a hundred times, and I will keep saying it..... what a great day that will be and I cannot wait for it.
I am finding it harder, not easier, to keep doing the little things now that I was doing at the start of the deployment. Everything in general feels like it is getting harder and not easier to deal with. Maybe the length of time is wearing me down instead of making me stronger. I don't know. I just know that I have felt immensely guilty for not keeping up with my emails to my husband every night and slacking a bit on my blog. I just get so tired and run down, that I start to write something, and decide to give up on it for that time and take myself to bed. I have a few unfinished emails, and this posting was a victim of this nasty habit I have gotten in. I just picked it back up after stopping it. It is just becoming harder and harder to continue what I set out to do from the start of this deployment.
Some things haven't changed, like my stubbornness to make sure that I get through this deployment well. I am stubborn enough that that particular goal won't change... at least I hope. My devotion to my husband and the pride I feel in him has not changed either, even if the frequency in packages and emails has. I still talk to him as often as he is available and do whatever I can for him. It is just getting harder to make it to the store and the post office to send him a package.
I don't understand it. Most people say that over time you get stronger. You will become adept at your routine and be able to deal with it all so much better than at the start. That you will accustom yourself to your temporary reality without your husband and be able to run your life and house without many issues. I feel almost weaker. I feel like I am letting myself and my husband down. Not the best feeling to have. I know that in a way it isn't true, because I am still doing a lot, I am still here, and I still love my husband more than any man on this earth. On the other hand though, it is just a little bit unnerving to feel like things are getting harder because it makes you wonder "What the hell have I been doing this whole time? Wasn't I supposed to be making it easier on myself? What gives?"
I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I do know that no matter what, I am moving through it one day at a time. Each day I can mark off my calendar, good or bad, is another day that I am closer to holding the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my husband, in my arms again. I have said it a hundred times, and I will keep saying it..... what a great day that will be and I cannot wait for it.
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