A Letter to My Husband

I have been debating this post for quite some time. It is a very personal post but I felt that sharing it might just reach someone who has been in the same funk I have been in. I wrote this letter to my husband a few weeks ago because I felt he needed to hear it and I needed to say it. I know that for some time now I have had a problem with finding all the downsides to my life. I was really good at it and didn't fully appreciate my life. One night, I started thinking about the way our life used to be. We live paycheck to paycheck, taking out payday loans (yeah, we got sucked into that black hole), wondering if we were going to be able to pay our bills that month, and just overall struggling to make it. Even then, when we were struggling I was thankful for all that we had and the family me had. Thinking back though it made me realize how far we have come and how thankful I am for this life that I have been given. I realized just how blessed we have been and how much God has really helped us along. I am not saying my life is perfect or that we don't struggle. I am merely saying that I have chosen to be thankful. So, with that, here is my letter to my amazing husband.....

Hey there handsome,

 

How are you? I wanted to write you tonight because I have been thinking about something and wanted to tell you before I forgot to. Not that I could forget to tell you this particular thing because it is something that I need to tell you more often, but I know when we get to talking, things just get left out. So here it goes.......

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you for this amazing life you have provided for our family. I have always known I was lucky. Always. I have always known that God blessed me with you and our children. I have always known that our life together is a gift from God that I cannot take for granted (though admittedly, I have at times). I know that our life that is provided for our family is through God's grace and mercy and it is His hand that has guided us along the way.

 

All that being said, I still feel like I need/want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving so much of yourself in service to our family. You have worked tirelessly and thanklessly for a long time to provide for our family. Not just financially either, you have worked so hard to ensure that our kids and myself get the love and affection we need. You work so hard to make sure you are able to say "hi" and tell us you love us every day in one form or another. You get up early or stay up late just to talk to us (me mostly :-) because you know it is what we need, especially while you're deployed.

 

I am writing this because I know I don't say it enough. I know that I take the work that you do and the sacrifices you make for granted sometimes. I keep thinking that I do so much for this family and that does not leave me room to acknowledge what you do for our family. Well, I am going to right that because you deserve it.

 

I was thinking back to our early years as a newly-married couple and as a small family and remember the day to day struggles we faced. The times when we ate less so the kids could have more, or we would make our clothes last longer than they should have because we really couldn't afford more. The times when we drove cars that were falling apart and questionable on even the shortest trips to work. Back when we were robbing (or borrowing from) Peter to pay Paul. Then, I look at the life we have now: the beautiful house, the nice cars, clothes on our backs, food, TV, medical insurance, etc, and realize just how blessed we are. I realized that I have an amazing life where I can live simply and really not need anything more. I am blessed! You have blessed me as your wife and made it such an amazing journey to be on with you.

 

I know I am rambling a bit but I really want you to know just how thankful I am to have you as my husband and personal hero. You give to your family, your church, and your country. You have such an amazing heart and are always so loving and selfless. I feel like lately I have been in a bit of a downward spiral and have been complaining about a lot of things. I have found an issue with just about every aspect of my life: your deployment, the kids, my job, the house, the cars, the bills, etc. You name it, I have found an issue I can complain about... and I have complained. I just realized tonight that I really shouldn't complain because despite the struggles of the everyday stuff, there is so much more to be thankful for and to rejoice over than any of the bad things I can come up with.

 

I guess this letter is my way of saying thank you and I'm sorry in the same breath. I am sorry I have been negative lately and I am sorry I didn't say any of this sooner. I am making a honest commitment to be content in my life, to appreciate all that you have done for us, and to praise God through it all, even the storms. I am not a usual optimist (I know you know this), but I am going to make an honest effort to become one.

 

I hope this letter makes sense to you and that you know that I truly do love you and thank you for everything you have done for our family. I thank God every day for you and continue to pray for your safe return. Until you can feel my arms around your neck and my lips on yours, this will have to suffice XOXOXOXOXOXO :-) I love you and miss you more and more every day.

 

Loving you always,

Laura

My Health Scare

So, about a week ago I went to the doctor to ask about a spot on one of my breasts. I wasn't sure about it because it was a spot (not a lump), had been there for over 2 months and had grown. Needless to say, I was concerned when it didn't go away.

My dad and his fiancé were visiting for the week when I decided to go ahead and go see the doctor. She was nice and listened to my concerns. After the exam she threw out words like mammogram, ultrasound, and inflammatory breast cancer. All of these words immediately struck me with fear. I had heard of that type of cancer before and remembered it wasn't a "normal" kind. It was aggressive and difficult to diagnose. Of course she didn't know if that is what I had, but told me worst case scenario kind of things. I had to wait for a week to get the tests needed.

My first thought was if I should tell Ian or not. I was conflicted. On one hand, if I told him and it turned out to be nothing then I would be worrying him while he is downrange for nothing. On the other hand, if I didn't tell him until after I knew one way or another he would be furious with me. I knew he would want to know, as much as I would have wanted to know something like that about him no matter where I was. So I told him what the doctor said and what the next steps were that I had to take. To be perfectly honest, telling him was the best thing I could have done because then I knew I had my best friend behind me and I had him to talk me down a little. I had his support and his comfort, even if it was through the screen and speaker of my phone. It was still helpful and I wasn't hiding anything from him. I know he hated the fact that he couldn't have been here for me in person and it really bothered him. He was very adamant that no matter what time it was for him, I had to call him when I was done with my appointment to tell him what, if anything, they told me. I argued with him because I wanted him to get some sleep. I lost that argument and called him after the mammogram and ultrasound.

I learned a lot about a few people in my life. I learned that some of the most unlikely friends were willing to take time off work for me to come and be with me. One woman from work told me that she had some extra days she could donate to me if needed and that she could take the others to be with me, if I needed any extra treatment. She really touched my heart, even offering to come with me to the mammogram. She showed me God's love and she gave me an ear to bend. I was able to talk to her about my concerns and she was kind enough to let me talk brave, though she knew better. Another friend of mine actually did take off work to be with me, just in case I was told anything at the actual appointment. This is the first time I have ever had anything like this done, so I didn't know what to expect. She drove over to the hospital with me and sat in the waiting room with me before my appointment. In between the mammogram and the ultrasound I had to sit in the hall, where she was at, wearing my robe. She sat with me and made me laugh. She took my mind off of it all for a few minutes until it was time to go in for my ultrasound. She took time out of her day to be there for me, without a second of hesitation. Man, I didn't know the friends I have.

At the appointment, the radiologist put my mind at ease and said she didn't think it was inflammatory breast cancer just looking at the skin and the ultrasound. She explained what it would look like and what to watch for just in case, but she was almost certain. That eased my mind a lot. I was able to walk out of there with a relieved smile on my face and my friend was there to hug me and tell me that she knew all along that I would be ok. I still have to wait for the full report, but the biggest concern was ruled out. I called Ian and told him about it. He was obviously relieved. As soon as I told him what I was told, I told him to go to bed and that I would elaborate more when he woke up. I didn't get any resistance! :-)

Then, because I was ok and my appointment took less time than expected, I went back to work. I helped get the rest of my kids home and went to a meeting. I was able to tell my friend that I was ok and the relief on her face must have mirrored mine. I know she, like myself, had been worried and praying hard for me. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was.

This whole thing was kind of a surreal experience. I kept telling myself that I was ok and that I had nothing to worry about, but in the back of my mind I kept hearing myself saying "what if." Then to have this happen when Ian was deployed made it so much worse. Again, I was saying "what if" it is serious? What would this mean for Ian? For me? For our kids? I am thankful that the initial findings show it isn't the aggressive cancer we were concerned about.

I still have to figure out what it is, but that is another issue for another day and another doctor. For now, I am just thankful for the friends who supported me, the family who talked me down, and the husband that was there for me from 7,000 miles away. I know it was just a scare, but a scare is enough to show you what you should be thankful for and those around you that have your back.