Day 224: My awesome kids

Today was an awesome day, both at work and after work. Work was great and I was able to work a lot with the kids. After school was over, we went to Daniel's karate class and then had to run to the bank before it closed. After that, I decided that after having a weekend where the kids were so helpful and well mannered, I would take the kids out to dinner. I was worried that it would end up being a difficult dinner that was more work than it would be relaxing, but my kids surprised me yet again. They were amazing! They were so well behaved and I didn't have to ask them to behave. I didn't have to argue with them or threaten them with consequences if they didn't behave. It was the most calm meal I have had with them since Ian has been gone. It was quite refreshing. I even received many compliments from waitresses about how well behaved they were and how they were very neat and did not make a huge mess. I was proud and told them so.

Basically it is a good feeling for us to hit our stride and have great days like this, especially with Ian being gone. I have always known that Ian and I could always handle the kids and that they would behave for the two of us together. I knew that they would have good days with me as well as bad days with me. Today though, we all had a great dinner out together and all you heard was laughing and talking. We talked about school, about extra curricular stuff, and about Ian. We miss him and want him back as soon as possible. Until that day comes, though, we are making it on our own and keeping our family strong until we can get our missing link back.

Day 223: Kids do the funniest things

1/30/2012

So, I came upstairs tonight, ready to sit on my bed and write my blog. I have had a great day with the kids. I finished up some laundry and they played a lot. We hung out some more and ran some errands together. All the while, they were really well behaved. Since it is a school night, I sent the kids upstairs to bed early. I thought they were in bed, but when I came upstairs, I saw that one of them was messing around in my room.

When I came upstairs and got ready to get into bed, I saw the flat daddy image of Ian in bed. Someone, Daniel I think, tucked him into our bed, on his side of the bed, under the covers. It was really cute. I looked like he was laying right there. I knew it was something that one of my kids did to make me feel better, to make it feel like daddy was still there. It made me laugh and made me smile.

I love my kids and the little things they think of. They know what will make me smile and what I need, even if they didn't realize it was exactly what I needed. Though they can sometimes drive me crazy, I love them with all of my heart and am so blessed to have such great kids.

Day 222: Caring again

01/29/2012

Today was a busy, busy day for us. Not in the sense of running around, but in the sense of just doing a lot in the house. The kids and I went to church, then came home and got straight to work. I decided that I wanted to really work on the house, inside and out. We cleaned up the inside of the house first and got it looking really good. Then, after we finished that, we started on the backyard. I decided that I was no longer going to let the yard go out of control with the leaves. So, the kids picked up the trash that blew into the yard over the past two weeks. While they did that, I started raking up the leaves. We got a lot of them picked up and still have some more to go, but we really ran out of room in the trash can. So we are going to have to hold off and finish it after trash day.

So today was a breakthrough for me. I actually started to care about the appearance of my house, both inside and out. Before I cared enough to keep it tidy, and I even started caring enough to decorate the inside. Today, I actually worked hard on the outside of my house (typically my husband's area of expertise) and got it looking nice. I also got the inside of my house looking really good at the same time. I actually care again. Something I am proud to have done and happy to be making progress. You would think after doing this for over 7 months, I would have gotten it under control. I am learning everyday, however, that there is always something that I have not fully taken over. Most are little things, because the big things were glaring right in my face that I needed to deal with it on my own. I am dealing with it. I have accepted that I need to handle all the roles for now, big and little. I cannot let the leaves stay on the ground or the patio go without being swept. I have to keep it all together. It is amazing though how much better I feel with accomplishing the few things I did and spending a solid afternoon making my home better. I was then able to spend the night with my kids, having some cuddle time.

Overall a day full of progress and acceptance of my never ending roles. I am getting closer to being able to hand them back over to my husband, but until then, I am proud to keep his house up until he is home to enjoy it with us again.

Day 221: What was that about????

So, I got up this morning and got right to work on the Spider-man cake. It took me a while mostly because I had to mix everything and do everything manually. As I was working at it, I realized one of the reasons real bakers are so much quicker is because they don't have to worry about coloring things, most of the times, it comes ready for them to work with or they have someone to do it for them. In the middle of doing it, I realized I was half a bag of powdered sugar short in order to make all the frosting I needed. Last night, Lyssa was nice enough to send her husband over with what she had of powdered sugar and I thought it would be enough, but it wasn't. They told me if I needed anything that they would help me out if they could and go get what I needed. It was really nice of them because they knew that I would have to load up all three of my children and stop working on the cake in order to go to the commissary. So, I text her and asked if she could grab me a bag of powdered sugar.... and a bottle of Coke (I was desperately in need of caffeine). Her husband went to the store for me and I was so grateful.

While I was working on the cake this morning, I got a phone call. My hands were covered in powdered sugar, so I didn't reach for the phone right away. First I wanted to see the number.... it was Afghanistan! I was elated. I didn't care if my phone got powdered sugar on it. I picked up the phone and did not even try to disguise the tone of relief and happiness when I said, "Hello!" His 2 minute phone call to tell me he was okay and would call me tomorrow made my day so much better.

Once I finished the cake, I delivered it with the help of Lyssa's husband. They all loved it, which made me happy. It is the only reason I make cakes like this: to make people happy. After I dropped it off, I left my kids at the party for a few minutes and headed home to shower and change. The party itself was good. Everyone loved my cake and thought it was super cool.

Spider-man cake

Inside of the buildings on the cake

Daniel had a few issues here and there during the party in the course of playing with the other 15 kids there, one of which he got sent to to corner for. Towards the end of it though, some of the other dads were outside and one had a beer bottle in his hand. Somehow, it fell and broke on the ground. Nothing major, no one was upset. Then, Daniel comes running in upset and crying. He told me that his is going to the corner and that he is in big trouble. I was confused and tried to talk to him. He said it was his fault that the bottle broke. I tried to tell him it wasn't, and that the bottle was going in the trash anyways, so it isn't a big deal. I told him no one was upset even if he did accidentally cause the bottle to slip out of the guy's hand. It didn't work, he walked off, crying. Lyssa sent her husband to try and tell Daniel it was okay, but it didn't work. He kept crying. So, I walked back over to the corner he put himself in and had him walk with me to the couch. It was crazy that he was so upset over something that was not this big of a deal, but he was. So, all I could do was sit there, tell him it was okay and that no one was upset, and hug him. After about 7 minutes he finally calmed down and then about 5 minutes after that he was able to go play again. It was just the most bizarre thing to me.

I don't know what happened with him or why he took that so hard, but I know he just needed a hug from mommy. To be honest, I think daddy would have done the trick for him today, but at least I was able to help him. Lyssa looked at me and told me that maybe he just needs a cry. I agreed because it has happened a few times where just the smallest most insignificant thing causes an issue like this. I don't like to blame everything on deployment (mostly) but I will say that I think this issue today was deployment related. I think this is him trying to deal with his feelings on this deployment. Hopefully, it can get better for him, and for all of us. Good thing is that we are closer to reunion than we are to when he left. That means we are on the downhill slide to homecoming!

Day 220: Waiting, distracting, and praying

So, my husband has been out of contact again today. It is the most distracting thing for me to deal with. Just when I want to concentrate on something, I get distracted thinking about Ian, wondering if he is okay. Once I start thinking about him, I automatically pray for his safety and protection. It takes a few minutes, but once that is done I try to get back to whatever I am doing. I continue to wait, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day for that precious phone call or email from my husband telling me is is doing okay.

Today as I was on the computer, my Skype popped up showing me that someone came online. My heart skipped a beat thinking it might be Ian, but I was disappointed to see it was someone else. That made me pause again and just say a little prayer for my husband, his team of soldiers he works with, and all our military in harms way, just asking for all their protection.

I am working on a cake tonight for Lyssa's (my best friend at this post) son, Timmy. She has a tendency to come up with some grand ideas, and when she asked me to make a cake for her son's 3rd birthday, I knew it would be something that tested my creative and cake making abilities. I was right. She wanted a cake that had two buildings with Spider-man swinging between them. I was pretty excited about it because I love the challenge and I love to see if I can do it. It has been over a month since I last made a cake and was happy to do it. Plus, I knew that I would learn from this cake and if it didn't look like it was supposed to, she would forgive me. So far I have the cake ready to decorate tomorrow. I am not sure about if it is going to turn out like I want it to, but we will see. Pictures to come tomorrow.

I made it through another day. I distracted myself long enough to finish the day without losing it. I call that a success. I know I am getting closer to seeing him again and I am anxiously awaiting that day.

Day 219: Goodnight Sweetheart

I will admit it, during this deployment, I have been pretty spoiled. For the most part, I have talked to or heard from my husband almost every day. It has been a blessing and has helped us all through this deployment. So, it is really hard when I have to go any length of time without hearing his voice. Tonight is one of those nights. I am really missing him and haven't heard from him yet tonight, and it is one of those nights that I really need to hear his voice. So, I am pulling out all the tricks I have picked up so far. I have old voicemails saved on my cell phone, I have a ton of pictures, a small video of him snoring (yup, did that during R&R.... not that he knows :-)), and putting some of his cologne on his pillow making it extra strong. I also have a shirt of his that he wore before he left to go back from R&R that still has a slight trace of his natural smell... That will be with me tonight, saved up for just such nights.

I know I will get through this, but these nights alone are getting old quick. I hate being lonely, but I know in a way, I am not alone. I have God, my kids, and I know I have an amazing husband who is loving me from 7,000 miles away. Even though he isn't physically here, his love still holds true and can still be felt. It is evident in all the emails, voicemails, pictures, letters, and cards all around my room and home.

So, I go to bed tonight, fighting the loneliness and waiting to make it through yet another night. I know that today is done and I am getting closer. It is the nights I really need to make it through, those seem to be getting harder, while the days have their routines and busy work to help them become easier to pass through.

To my love: the Chorus to "Goodnight Sweetheart" by David Kersh. I know you know and love this song. Tonight I send it to you.

Goodnight sweetheart,
Sleep tight where ever you are
God hold you in His arms while we're apart
Though you're far away
Your love will stay tucked away here in my heart
Goodnight sweetheart
Sleep tight where ever you are

Day 218: Amazing view

Ian called me this morning via Skype and woke me up. I have to say it is the best thing to wake up to, his face. It was almost like he was home again, almost. The beauty of it was that somehow the connection was so amazing that I saw his face more clearly than I have ever seen it in our other video chats. It was as clear as seeing him in person or in one of my high resolution pictures of him. I could see his eyes, the amazing color of them, and his dimples. I just sat there, almost in tears because I could finally see him so clearly. It was like I was talking to him in person. It is hard to explain why it is such a big deal. The only way I have seen him has been slightly fuzzy at best, and at worst a big blur. Seeing him so clearly was a great treat and I hope we can find a connection that clear again, it was a true gift for me. Ian just laughed when I told him how amazing it was to see his face so clearly, but he knew what I meant and understands my reactions for the most part.

It was a great start to my day and, though the day wasn't as good as I would have liked it to be, I was still the image of Ian's smiling face that kept me going. I love seeing him no matter the quality of the video, I take what I can get, because no matter how often or how little I get to see him, I can't seem to get enough of him. So, I hold on to each conversation I can get and each image of his smiling face I can get to last me until the next time I get to talk to him and see him.... and especially until he comes home to me.

Day 217: Army Brats

I saw this picture today on Facebook and I had to smile because it really is true. How many people really think about how tough it is on these little kids when they say "see you later" to their daddies or mommies, or both? Growing up, my dad would be away for work for a week at a time, maybe even a few weeks at a time. In all that time, I never worried about my dad's safety. I know accidents happen and things happen, even to civilians, but I never feared that my dad would not come home. I never had to imagine my dad fighting a war everyday and the possibility of him being hurt or killed. I never had to worry about if my daddy will remember me after a year away, or if I would remember how he plays or what he smells like. I never had to wonder if daddy would still like me after a year apart or if he would come back different. Military kids, my own included, worry about all of this. They are not oblivious. They know what war means. Despite our best efforts as parents to keep them protected, they see stuff on the news (or commercials of it), they hear it from their friends, on the radio, or read about it at school. They know what war is, they know their parent is there, and they know the real dangers involved. Still, every day, they get up, do what they are supposed to, and tell their deployed parent every chance they can just how much they love and miss them. 

I can only imagine what it is like for my Army brats who worry constantly about their daddy at war. I worry about him and am scared too. I love him and he is my best friend and can't imagine him being hurt. I can handle the stress of those worries and fears now as an adult. As a child, it would have taken a lot to be able to deal with a deployment. That is why I love this picture. These Army brats have more courage than most people will ever have. This kind of thing seems common place to me because these are the kids I work with and the people I live around. Before my husband joined the military, I knew a few people who served or were serving, and I knew no "military brats," so I never knew the courage it took. I realize now how small of a population military is in this big country versus the military towns I have been living in these past 8 years. The military and the children involved seems so big to me right now because I am only living in military towns, but when I look back to my hometown, I realize just how few there were around me. I just makes me realize how amazing these soldiers are and how courageous their kids are for dealing with all of this at such a young age.

My kids are my driving force and are my heroes. They do everything they can to get through this and to behave for me. I know it is hard for them, but they are good for the most part. They also show their daddy love as much as they can and stifle the fears they have when they are talking to him. They save it for me, because they know I can handle it. They are such amazing "brats" and Ian and I could not be prouder to be raising them. They are strong, courageous, and amazing children who are only getting stronger.

Day 216: One step forward

I have to say, the day was rough in the beginning, but I feel like I ended the day stronger than I have in a long while. I made it to work on time, which I was worried I wouldn't because of slow moving children. Work itself was okay. We had our ups and downs for the day, but overall we made it through. I came home this afternoon, determined to finish my insanely huge pile of laundry, and I did just that. I got all the laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away. At the same time, I was able to make baked chicken breasts, stuffing, and broccoli for dinner for myself and the kids as well as have something ready to start for dinner tomorrow. I had dinner on the table by 6pm and the kids were all bathed by 7pm. The only rough part to the day was that Daniel, somehow, spilled an insane amount of toothpaste on the carpet which I had to work at getting cleaned up. Other than that though, it was great because the kids were in bed by 7:45pm, without a bunch of yelling and asking them to get to bed. They did what they were told and got to bed.

So, here I am sitting here, with the dishes done, laundry done, and I feel like I really got something accomplished this weekend and this evening. I feel like I am getting back on track. I know it is too early to say that right now, because it is only one good day, and that things can and will change, but I feel positive about it. I feel like I will be able to keep up with the main stress of my life which is the house work. I am used to having help. I am used to my husband doing the dishes while I cook dinner or him doing laundry while I am cleaning the floors. I am used to having that extra set of helping hands. Now, I have to do it all. It isn't that big of a deal except during the days or weeks when I want to just curl up again and hope that someone wakes me up when the deployment is over. I know I can't do that, I am not stupid, but sometimes it gets to me.

I won't let it, though, not right now. I am trying to adjust my perspective and my own attitude on everything to try and make it more positive. I am trying to make myself do things, knowing that all I need to do is force the first step and then it will get easier. So, that is what I am doing. I am forcing myself to take the first step forward and not letting myself step back. I know that by moving myself forward with everything I have planned and the goals I have, I will be able to make it through.

Another day is done, and I am getting closer to seeing him again. Each day is hard without him, but I have to think of them, not as days I have lived without him, but days that have made me closer to holding him again.

Day 215: There, but not really

I don't know what it is, but lately, I just haven't been "there." I feel like there are a lot of times that I am just physically there, but not really mentally there. I zone out, think about things good and bad, and just lose track of time and place. Today is a pretty good example. My husband called me this evening to see how my day had gone. I told him it was pretty good. He asked about church, how it was, what we talked about. I told him I really don't remember. I know that is horrible of me and that I am going to have to listen to the pastor's message this week to see what I missed, but it is the truth. I was physically there, but not mentally. I am not proud of it, but it is a side effect of this deployment. I zone out easier and I have to force myself to do things even if I really don't want to, just to keep me doing anything and to keep us on a schedule.

Ian just looked at me with concern. He worries when I get like that and knows that there really isn't anything he can do to help me get out of it, except to keep talking to me and encouraging me. I told him it was just an off day and I really didn't know why I wasn't completely there. It was the truth, because I don't know why I have days like these. There wasn't really a catalyst. I woke up to the sound of Skype calling on my computer and my husband's handsome face looking back at me and smiling. I got ready for church, went for first service, then watched the babies in the nursery for second service. After that, I came home and got right back to work on the house. It was busy enough work that it kept me occupied and then the kids came home from their sleepover, so my distraction was back. We finished up a few of our chores and then my awesome friend, Lyssa, called me and basically told me that I could not say no, and I was going on a walk with her. It was just the push I needed and I went. It was a great walk. I talked too much, as usual, about everything but deployment. It was great. Then I came home, made dinner and watched some TV with the kids.

Getting to work with the kids and the house helped me get back to having my mind and body in the same place. Having my kids as that much needed distraction was good too. Basically, the end of my day was much better than the start and I really feel like I accomplished something. We are getting so much closer to reunion time! I cannot believe we are on day 215! I can't wait until I can write and big THE END on the 365th day of this deployment when my husband finally steps off that bus and I can run right into his arms.

Day 214: Camp C.O.P.E

1/21/2011

Today was a good day for my little clan. I was able to register them yesterday (so procrastinated on it) for a day camp called Camp COPE. It is a camp specifically designed for kids of deployed, wounded, or fallen soldiers who are 4 years old and up. C.O.P.E. means Courage, Optimisim, Patience, and Encouragement. They offer camps free to families that teach kids coping skills and they have couselors there that help the kids. They believe, much like I do, that kids serve too. They need to be taken care of and talked to as much as the solider who is off at war.

The sign for Camp C.O.P.E. at the camp ceremony.

When I told the kids that I wanted to register them for it earlier this week, I asked if they thought they might want to go to it. I told them that there would be other kids there going through the same things as them and that they would be able to talk about it and learn some new things on how to deal with the deployment. Daniel didn't care, he just liked the idea of going to a camp. Natalie and Emily understood well enough and thought it would be a cool thing to go do.

So, this morning, I dropped them off for their camp and had a morning to myself. I went to breakfast with a friend and then just relaxed at home. It took every ounce of self control to not spend the whole time cleaning my house. When I went to pick up the kids, they had a camp completion ceremony where they called up each class and they got a medal for finishing the day. I loved it and my emotional self had to keep from crying. It was then that I was missing Ian even more, but was sitting in a room full of spouses dealing with this too, which was oddly comforting. I knew I wasn't alone. I knew I wasn't the only one wishing my husband was home to see how happy and confident our kids were as they stood with their class. Once the kids were released and I picked them all up, we headed home for an afternoon of play for the kids, and work for me. The kids told me about some of the fun games they played, the people they met, and the things they were given. Mostly, they were given things that let them know it is okay to experience their feelings, that they could use some of those things to express their feelings, and that they could use them to talk to their parents about their feelings. All in all, a great camp for the kids.

The kids ended up staying the night at the neighbor's house, which meant I had the house to myself for the late evening. I almost thought about going to see a movie, but decided against it. I decided to sit at home and rest. Well, do laundry and rest. I tried to go to bed early, but it didn't work. Mostly because I decided to go to bed around 9:15pm then a call from Afghanistan came through, and I was more than happy to stay up and answer it. My night didn't go as planned, but that is okay. It still was a pretty good night, even though I missed my little munchkins.

Day 213: Emotional

It wasn't a bad day, just a slow one. It felt like it was the day that would never end. The only fast part about it was my lunch break when I was able to talk to my amazing husband. That time always seems to fly by and it feels like I was not able to talk to him nearly as much as I wanted to. After that though, the day continued to move slowly. On a high note though, I was able to register my kids for Camp COPE. It is a day camp specifically geared towards kids of deployed, wounded, or fallen soldiers. I am so excited for the kids to be able to go to it and hope it helps them deal with all of this. Sometimes, I am not sure how they are doing because on minute they seem to be doing great, then the next minute they say something that makes me realize it is affecting them more than I know. Hopefully being around other kids going through it will help them at least talk about it.

Tonight I came home after again running errands and did some more housework. I am trying to catch up after a busy week of not being home much. The kids played outside while I cleaned a bit. Then I made dinner and sat down to eat with my kids. After dinner the kids played and I worked on some laundry. I sent the kids to bed and was getting ready to head that way myself when my husband called. I am not sure what it was about his call tonight that made me emotional, but I was crying without a real catalyst for it. I know it was just that I miss him and the time apart is starting to feel like forever again, but it is not like me to just start crying. Usually, it is because something is said or done that makes me sad, not just because. So, I tried to hide the emotions, but my husband after being with me for a decade has gotten to know me and my many faces quite well, and knows when I am getting upset. He just told me he loved me and missed me when I wouldn't tell him what was wrong, which I didn't tell him because there was no real reason. I told him I loved him too and that I was just missing him. He suggested that I call up my best friend here and ask her out to coffee. I know that is what I should do. I know I should try and get some interaction with some friends, but I am just afraid it will be a "Laura vent fest." I hate feeling like I always need to vent or talk about crap. I just want to go back to my normal self who is the supporter and rarely needs the support. Then again, maybe that is what God wants me to learn during this deployment, that it is okay to be supported by others and that I need to lean on God more than anyone else. I am starting to learn that and am getting better, but it will still take some time.

Today is finally done... Finally getting closer to seeing my husband again. I am nearing the "5 months left" mark and am so happy that I can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. I know we still have a long way to go, but we are on the downhill slope now. Woo Hoo!

Day 212: Trying

1/19/2012

I am trying. That is the best I can do, that is all I can do.... TRY. I am desperately trying to get some flow back into my life and get a solid schedule down for the kids and me to follow. I feel like that is all I have been doing since Ian went back to Afghanistan after R&R is resetting the schedule and goals. It has been two months and I feel like I can't pick it back up. I can't seem to want to do more than I have to. I don't want to try harder, but I know I need to.

Let me explain. I know that I need to work harder on my house to keep it up, especially since I am working full time. I know I have less time to actually get it done, so I need to work on it everyday. I know that, but I don't want to try and keep up with it. I also can't seem to want to try and get back into the swing of an exercise routine. I know it is best for me, I know it was something that I enjoyed, and I also know that it would help me handle stress better. Knowing all this, I still can't see, to want to try and establish that routine.

Today, though, was a great step in the direction of trying. I haven't been able to really establish myself in my church's bible study since September when my certification course started. I just wasn't able to go because of the class, then Ian came home and I didn't want to leave his side for a second, and then the holidays came. Plus, I wasn't sure if the bible study was one I would really have time for on a daily basis. My best friend at this post told me about another evening bible study offered here on post by PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) on Thursday nights. It worked out great for me because we were already out from 5:30pm-6:30pm for the girls' golf lessons. Now, all we have to do is go right down the street for the bible study that starts around 6:30pm. So, that that is what we did. I figured we would try it out once and see how it worked.

I have to say, it was quite awesome. It felt nice to get connected again and even better to connect with a lot of other women who are going through what I am. The kids also had their own bible school and loved it. I left that chapel tonight smiling and knowing that this is what I need to be doing and keep on doing. This was going to help me get back to trying. I am excited to see where this bible study will take me, what I will learn, and what God will show me. It should be interesting to see how this finishes.

Another day has passed, and I am happy to say that I am ticking the days off the calendar pretty steadily. Just getting closer to reunion.

Day 211: Spilled Coffee

1/18/2012

Today was a pretty descent day. I went to work, ran some errands after work, and hung out with a friend for a bit. Overall, it was a good day. After all the running around, the kids and I came home and relaxed for the rest of the evening.

I have to say that last night my son said something that was so incredibly funny that I thought I would share it. Last night I decided to brew some decaf coffee for me as a little warm-me-up treat. I then sat down in the living room with it and watched some cartoons with the kids. They had a good day at school and got all their work done, so I let them watch some TV after dinner. Daniel and I were sitting down on the couch, Emily was in and out of the room, and Natalie (my little bird) was eating slowly, still not done with her food. I told her that if she got done with her food in time, they could all have some dessert. So, of course, the other two started cheering her on to finish her food. I was still on the couch, sipping my coffee when my son runs in from the dining room table and starts jumping up and down, cheering that Natalie finished her dinner. That is when he got a little too excited and knocked over my coffee. I yelled simply because it hurt. It wasn't directed at my son, just a general "Ow, it is hot" and "Man that hurts!" kind of yell. Of course, Daniel felt so bad, he started crying and ran to the other side of the living room. Emily ran and got me a towel and Natalie got me some paper towels. Once the initial sting went away, I was able to compose myself enough to talk to Daniel and tell him that I knew it was an accident and that I wasn't yelling at him, just yelling that it hurt. After a minute of reassuring him that he wasn't in trouble, that accidents do happen, he walked over to me and gave me a hug. Then he said, "I am sorry I burned you mommy. Next time, can you please drink something cold, like milk, so when I spill it again it doesn't burn you?" I couldn't help but laugh a little. I told him I would take that into consideration. He smiled and went about his night.

The funny part was that he is counting that it will happen again. Not that he is trying to make it happen, but that he knows it is a possibility and wants the ramifications to be less severe. It made sense. He is pretty bouncy and has a tendency to knock over things, so at least if he does it again, it won't hurt me. I guess I can make that connection to real-life as well. You know bumps are going to happen. You know there are going to be days where you just can't seem to keep from knocking things over. All you can do is try and keep the destruction to a minimum by keeping yourself out of destructive patterns or bad situations.

Sometimes I can tell that a bad day is coming, just that sense of the stresses of the deployment creeping in along with the kids acting up and a rough day at school. Now, if I wanted to burn myself, I would come home and force myself to get the house spotless, the laundry done, and the kids in perfect order. That is making the choice to have coffee when you know you are likely to get it dumped all over you. It is the kind of task that if I don't get it done on that of all days, I will get burned. Those kinds of requirements I put on myself with my less that 4 hours every evening before I get the kids to bed, can be a bit hard to accomplish. When I don't accomplish them, I get stressed, depressed, angry, or I feel worthless.

On the other hand, I could choose milk. I could chose to tell myself that I am going to do the dishes, one load of laundry, and read a story to the kids. If I get more done than that, great, if not, it is okay because I really only wanted to get those 3 do-able things done. Hence, my bad day does not get worse. My spill is just a spill instead of a spill and a burn.

Again, I know sometimes I read too much into what my son says, but sometimes you really can apply the simplest things said by a child to adult life and situations. I don't know why, but sometimes things kids say can make you think about adult issues.

Day 210: Motivated

Since returning from my weekend away, I am a little more motivated to start working on my goals. It was one of the questions put to us at the retreat. What are your goals as a wife and as a mother? My goal from the start of this deployment was to not just survive this deployment, but thrive through it. I told the other women in the group that I don't want my husband coming home to a defeated wife who is no more than a shell of what she used to be. I want my husband to have something worth coming home to. My goal as a mother is to just make sure my kids know everyday that they are loved by their daddy and me no matter what.

So far, in reference to my kids, I think they know that. They know mommy gets stressed out and tired, but those are just a few days out of many. I want to take my goal a step farther now. I want to find more time with them, which means I need to cut out some things in my life too. There isn't much room for adding anything else in our crazy schedule, but I think I am just going to have to work something out. I have been trying to sit down with the kids about once a week or maybe every two weeks to talk to them about how they are doing. Just a time to catch up. It seems like every time I try to do that, something comes up, or there is another activity planned. So, I am going to schedule it better.

As far as thriving during this deployment, I feel like I am about halfway. I am not exactly thriving, but I feel like I am doing a little better than just surviving. I don't feel defeated most days, though some have gotten me pretty bad. Most days I just feel okay, and only a few days do I feel great about the day. I want to change that. I know I can't will good days to happen and keep bad days away... Stuff happens. I can't control that. But what I can do is control how I react to it and how I take care of myself everyday.

So, here it is. I am going to start really putting some more effort into life. I am going to find a way to take care of my own health while at the same time, taking care of my kids and giving them more quality time. There are only so many hours in the day, I know, and it will be tough to adjust times to make this work. I have 5 more months to reach my goals, and I am going to make sure they are reached before he gets home. I know I can do it, I just have to work smarter. I have to make sure it isn't going to stress me out more, but I think that working more on spending time with the kids and taking care of myself will help ease some of the stress and not just add more to it. I guess we will see.

The days are passing by, which is all I really ask for at the moment. For days to go by so I can again celebrate my husband being home with us, his family, where he belongs. I have made it so far, and I can feel the reunion getting so much closer.

Day 209: Roles

During the retreat the Chaplain asked us how we were doing with our new roles since the deployment and how we were going to redefine our roles again once our husbands came home. It is a great question asked because it is a hard topic for military spouses. We are expected to take it all over. We are supposed to do our soldier's job as well as our own for the time they are away. I have heard a lot of spouses, over the past 6 months of this deployment, say that giving things back to their husband will be hard. They don't want to give it back because it is something they have been doing for the past year, and they don't want their husband to mess it up.

Typically this is heard in the area of finances and parenting. When you are a temporary single parent, you have to step into the role of mom and dad. You have to be the disciplinarian and you have to deal with things even if you need a break. There is no teammate to help you. You get to the point where you have implemented things to make it work without your husband and when he comes back he "won't understand," so you think it is better that you just take care of it. Taking over the finances while he is gone seems pretty natural to me too. If your soldier is busy fighting a war on the other side of the world, the least you can do is handle all the finances here and not have him worry about anything. It is a great idea until your husband comes home and wants to help make the financial decisions again or wants his job and the finance manager back. Then, it becomes hard for some to hand it back.

Thing is, that just isn't how Ian and I work. I have taken a lot of the day to day stuff with the kids. I have to. It is normal. However, my husband is still very much a part of our everyday lives. I write him an email every night telling him every mundane detail of the day. If something big with the kids happens, he and I discuss punishments and disciplining the kids. My children still hear the statement from me of, "Your daddy and I will talk about your punishment when he calls next time and I will let you know what it will be." If there is a decision to be made, that does not have to be made that moment, Ian helps me make the decision. For instance, on the decision of whether to leave my kids with friends for the weekend, Ian and I decided that together. Although, he made the decision about where the kids would go. I wanted to send them to a friend's house that was 3 hours from our house, which would have been a total of 6 hours from where I was staying for the weekend. My husband felt better if I was only 3 hours away from our kids instead of 6, so he strongly encouraged that I leave the kids with our good friends here. And that is what I did, I followed my husband's wishes. He made that decision and I supported it.

In terms of finances, I merely pay the bills. A few times a month, just as we did before the deployment, Ian and I sit down via Skype and talk about our finances and the up coming bills. We talk about any extra expenses, like holidays or birthdays, and how much we want to spend on those. We talk about everything. He has been almost as much a part of our lives as he was before he left. The difference is that we discuss everything via Skype and when he is not able to talk for a few days at a time, I take care of things, though I tell him about them every night in my emails.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I haven't fully taken anything away from my husband. I haven't replaced him in any of his roles. When he comes home, I know he will need time to reintegrate with the family, but I don't see myself having a hard time relinquishing control to him, because he and I have shared it from day one. He is still in control of his family and is still a part of our everyday lives, so when he comes home, he will be a part of our everyday lives. Only difference is it will be live and in person instead of through webcams and cell phones. I can't wait.

Day 208: Kids say the sweetest things

I finished out my retreat this morning and headed home. It really was a great weekend, but I have to admit that I missed my kiddos. When I talked to them yesterday, they seemed uninterested in talking to me. So I didn't know what kind of reception I would get when I came home.

I got to my friend's house and my kids were outside playing with their little friends. They really didn't care that I was there, to be honest with you. They were having fun and wanted to keep playing. Then, they came inside and gave me big hugs and told me "Hi." It was enough for now, so I just hung out for a bit talking to my friends. When we came home, I got the reception I was expecting. Away from their friends, they told me they missed me and were glad I was home. We talked about their weekend and what they did. I told them a little about mine, but it wasn't that interesting for them. I then showed them the awesome caramel apples I bought for them. They loved it, especially because they were covered with M&Ms and they rarely get sweets. I told them they could have them after dinner and they were patiently waiting for dinner to be ready so they could get their treat. Once dinner was done, I cut up their apples and they ate them happily. Afterwards, we sat down on the couch and watched a little TV.

Daniel was the one that couldn't seem to sit away from me. He was literally in my lap the whole night. All he did was sit there, holding my arms around him, and occasionally would turn around to give me a hug and kiss on the cheek. It was sweet just sitting there with my son and daughters. Once bedtime rolled around, I told them to head upstairs and get ready for bed. As Daniel was getting ready to go up, he stopped and turned to talk to me. He asked me if I would go upstairs to bed now. I told him that I would be heading up soon. He asked if I would go now and not later. I asked him why. He said that he wants me not to be tired and doesn't want me staying up late. I told him I would be going up soon, and he was worried that I would be up late.

I usually don't condone my kid telling me what to do, but his concern was genuine. It made me realize how much he does notice and how much he actually hears and sees. I guess I never thought the kids would see that I wasn't taking care of myself and that they would be concerned. I always figured they would know that they were being taken care of and that it was all they really needed to worry about. Little did I know that my little 4-year-old is worried about me being tired. Now, I know he is only 4 and might be just saying it and not be truly concerned like an adult would. I guess what surprised me more is that he noticed that I have not been going to bed and that I have been tired lately.

So, I have a new goal. I am going to make sure that I am getting adequate sleep by getting to bed shortly after the kids. Then, my kids can see that while taking care of them, I am also taking care of myself... Something I have always been bad at.

Day 207: Refreshed

Today has been a great day. I got up this morning, had breakfast, and my coffee. Then, I went to the seminar part of the retreat. It was pretty good. We talked about how we are doing and then discussed the 5 love languages and how we use them in the deployment. It was shorter than I wanted, but nice to talk to other spouses. The chaplain let us go for lunch, and I was on my own again. I had lunch by myself and then decided that I would really enjoy this trip. I had my first relaxing massage ever. It was quite the treat. The lady was really awesome and I was able to relax even more after the massage. I went to the "slumber lounge" and rested in a chaise lounge chair. It was comfy and I fell asleep for a few minutes. Then I decided to come back to my room and take a nap. It was beautiful. I got to take a very nice 2 hour nap and was able to wake up refreshed. I then went to the mall and did a little shopping. I was going to watch a movie but decided to hang out and watch some TV and relax at the room instead.

I talked to my kids tonight to see how they are doing. They are having a blast with their friends. The girls could care less about talking to me, they wanted to keep playing with their friends. Daniel was his usual talkative self. He told me about everything, though I couldn't really understand him. I caught a few funny statements of his, which made me laugh and miss him and his sense of humor.

Even though I have missed my kids terribly, this weekend has been just the recharge that I have needed. I am looking forward to heading home tomorrow and giving my kids a big hug and kiss and ready to take on the last 5 months of this deployment. Getting through it one day at a time.

Day 206: This love is ours

I was driving up to the resort for the retreat and heard the song "Ours" by Taylor Swift. I have heard it before but never really paid attention to the lyrics until today. The lyrics made me smile as I realized that it said a lot that was similar to my husband and me. It feels like there are always people who want us to fail. There are those that think we shouldn't want to be around each other as much as we do. That it isn't normal for a married couple who has been married almost 8 years to still want to spend every moment together. There are those who try to start fights between us. To those people, I hope they listen to this song. This love is OURS. No one else is a part of this marriage but us and we are pretty happy in it.

The chorus of the song....

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

I am not saying this to everyone. Ian and I have a lot of supporters, but also have some who seem to want to start issues. This song reminded me of that and reminded me of what I always say. This love is ours. We make decisions together, we support each other, and we give each other a break when needed. Neither one of us is perfect, neither is our marriage, but we are perfect for each other.

Funniest part of the night though, I was eating dinner tonight, alone. As I was sitting there, Ian called on Skype and I sat there talking to him on my phone while I was waiting for my dinner to come. I joked with Ian about the fact that I am having dinner with him again. It was like a date night and actually a little fun. It was nice to sit there and actually talk to someone instead of just eating by myself.

One day down, one day closer to being able to have a real date night with my husband.

Day 205: Give me the bad day, not him

1/12/12

In most ways I would rather have a bad day than for my husband to be having a bad day. The only thing I can do when he has a bad day is to keep reaffirming him. I can only tell him how amazing he is, how much we all love him, and how much he is missed. I tell him that no matter what I am here for him and that we will make it through together.

Today was one of those days that I wished it was me having the bad day. My day had been going pretty well, and my husband called me and told me he needed to talk to me about something important. I can't go into it, and he really couldn't either, but long story short, he had a bad day and was very upset with himself. He is hard on himself, and doesn't give himself an ounce of He was mad at himself, worried, and felt like he was letting people down. With what he told me, it wasn't as bad as he thought it was, but because I am not military, my opinion on that was not as reliable. So, instead, I just had to tell him that it would all be okay and to look at the positive. I also told him to stop thinking about it for now, and to get some rest.

We will see if he takes my advice, but at least he knows that I love him and support him. It is always important for a soldier, especially my soldier, to know that the people he loves are proud of him, love him and support him. It is what helps him get through, much like it is what helps get me through when he or my mom says it to me. It is human nature to want to hear it, but even more important during high stress times like this deployment.

Day 204: Tough day

1/11/2012

Today was a hard day in the mom department. I had talked to Ian about wanting to get a small dog for myself and the kids because I have missed having a small dog since Lucy died in October. I pulled the "deployment card" with my husband and told him it was something I needed right now, and not just now, but for ever. We both love our big dogs, but we both love having a small dog that we can have sit with us on the couch. So, he said yes, that I could get one. He loves me and spoils me!

I found a dog at the local pound that looked just like a dog I had as a teenager. So, yesterday, I took the kids down to the pound to look at her. She was super sweet and really seemed to love the kids and me. We ended up adopting her yesterday and brought her home. She was so happy to be in the car with us and then we had to introduce her to our other dogs. They seemed to do okay together but needed to work through it. Well, after having her less than an hour, my son bent down to pet her and got too close. She nipped at him. That was a deal breaker for me. I watched her like a hawk to see if it was just a one time thing. Unfortunately, it wasn't. She nipped at him twice more and then nipped at my oldest when she touched her tail. So, I decided I would have to take her back. I felt bad, but I had to do what was best for my kids. The dog was super sweet with me and followed me everywhere. She was so happy and loved just hanging out with me.

As much as I wanted to keep her, I had to take her back today. It was hard to explain it to the kids. They said they would leave her alone and not touch her tail. I told them it wasn't just them. I was worried about the other little kids that come over to our house. They might touch her tail or get too close to her face, and then she would bite them. I couldn't risk my own kids as well as my friend's kids. So, I asked a friend of mine to watch my kids after school today so I could take her back without them having to be there. I took her back and cried. I hope she finds a good home, but I was sad that I could not give her that home.

It is the part of being a temporary single mom that sucks. Having to make decisions that you know are going to make your kids cry, even though it is in their best interest. Ian could only tell me that he supported my decision and wishes he was here to help me out and help me deal it. I knew that, and I was grateful that he was able to talk to me though it and let me just talk it out with him.

Day 203: Mom duties

1/10/2012

I have realized this week that my mom duties can be overwhelming if I don't as for help. I have been stressed out mostly because I have had no breaks lately. I thought I would be fine without a break... That I am stubborn enough to do it all on my own, without my dad and with little to no help from my friends. Well, I am realizing that I am wrong. Even the best moms need a break every once in a while.

So, that is what I am doing. I have been going back and forth about whether I should leave my kids with friends this weekend and use the retreat as a decompression time for me. At first I didn't want to because I felt guilty for wanting to have time to myself. I thought that because my husband is deployed and I am the only parent here right no, that I am not allowed to be away from them, especially for a weekend. Then I found out where this retreat was supposed to be and realized that it wouldn't be a lot of fun for the kids either. It is too cold for the outside pool and the only things to do around here would cost us some serious money. So, I decided to go ahead and take this one opportunity during this deployment to have a weekend to reset myself. I hope that it will allow me to reset and allow my patience to build up again.

It is okay to take a break. It does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a human being that realizes when a break is needed and when you have to take a step back and take a breath so you can step back up and be a great parent for your amazing children. That is how I am looking at it right now. I am taking a step back because I know I can step back in, refreshed and ready to tackle this deployment.

Day 202: Loving a soldier

1/9/2012

It is probably both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, loving a soldier, especially in a time of war.

My husband was not always a soldier. We started dating before he ever thought about joining the Army, and we have been friends since middle school. I didn't fall in love with a soldier, but the man I fell in love with became a soldier. I know I am the luckiest woman in the world to have found such an amazing man who is devoted to God, family, and country.

Loving him has been easy simply because he is a great man and my best friend. It has been hard because of him being a soldier, knowing he has to leave us even though he doesn't want to. I know him being away from his family is just as hard on him as it is on us. The thing that makes him so amazing is that he does his duty to his country proudly and he does it well, while loving his family and being for them at the same time. It is what makes loving a soldier easier.

Making my way through this deployment one day at a time.

Day 201: How am I?

I don't know the answer to that question. When someone asks me, "How are you?" I give them the automatic response of, "I am ok." I know I have talked about it before. Some days the response is true, other days it is not. Today, I just don't know if it is a true answer. In one way I am doing fine. The day wasn't overly stressful, the kids were mostly well-behaved, and I got some organizing done on the house this weekend. The other side of that coin is the fact that I am lonely. I miss my husband fiercely and to top it all off, I have been battling the homesick feeling for a while now.

So I am both okay and not okay, and the worst part is that I have no idea how to change that. Some people will say that you need a break, some "me time" to take a breath. That may be true, but the problem is that my problems will be waiting for me when I get done with my "me time." Nothing will have changed. I will still have a ton of laundry to be done, a house that needs to be cleaned, kids that need to be dealt with, and a husband still in harms way. I am sure that some time to myself would be good, but I don't think it will really help in the grand scheme of things. I think that is why I am feeling a bit hopeless, because I know that what is wrong cannot be fixed right now. What is wrong cannot be changed for the next 5 1/2 months, maybe longer depending on reintegration issues that come up. I am going to have to stay strong for the foreseeable near future, and there is no break that I can take from that. That is a little bit of a downer to think about, so I try not to focus on it.

Unfortunately, tonight is one of those nights that I can't avoid it. I want to be okay, I need to be okay, I am willing myself to be okay. Sometimes though, I can't fool myself. I am not okay. I am fighting feelings of loneliness, exhaustion, sadness, worry, anger, frustration, fear, and self-doubt all the time in order to keep myself upright and tell myself I can do this. I am a strong person, but there are times, like now, when I feel so weak and the one person that can help me or make me feel at all okay is halfway around the world. I know I will be okay. I know that today is just one of those days and that I will make it through. I know that taking it one day at a time is the key here and will get me through this deployment.

Day 200: Homesick

01/07/2012

Today was the day of my grandfather's memorial service. I was not bale to be there and, at first, it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I wasn't extremely close to my grandfather, but I was close to a lot of that side of the family. I didn't have the availability of funds or time to be able to go, but I wish I could have been there for my family. I don't know if it would have been helpful or not, but I do know that I would have liked being there for them.

Since becoming an Army wife, I was only really homesick for the first year or so. I told you the story of how I dealt with it. Well, since then I haven't really felt overly sad about being so far away from my family... Until today. Well, it has been building for a while now, and tonight it hit me just how much I miss my family. I have had this urge to just get up and go see my parents and my siblings. Then I have that desire to have my mom and step-dad come visit me here and spend a weekend. I just want to spend time with them again. I want to be able to have my family around, even if it is for a weekend. It was nice having my dad here for Christmas and we all loved that time. It has been over a year, though, since I have seen my mom and step-dad and I really miss them. I haven't seen my siblings in an even longer time and would love to just see them too.

Basically, I am a bit of a mess right now. I am homesick, missing my family, and missing my husband. I am tired of being the only parent to make all the decisions and having no break from my (and other) kids. I think it is the culmination for the stress, the exhaustion, and the fact that I am missing my family is causing my bad homesickness. Hopefully I can get back to being my independent self and dealing with the homesick feelings better than I am. For now, I will just have to do my best with it. Taking it a day at a time on all accounts, and just trying to make it another 5 1/2 months.

Day 199: Keeping watch

Today my son pulled one of his little stunts that took me by surprise yet again. It wasn't anything bad by any means. This afternoon, he went up to my room, where the flat daddy of Ian was. Daniel then took the flat daddy and placed him in my open window facing out. I saw it a little bit later and just laughed. While I was in my room, Daniel came in and told me that he put daddy like that. I asked him why. He told me it was so daddy could watch him play outside and so that he would watch out for all of us. Talk about a "rip your heart out" kind of statement. I just stood there, smiled, and told him that was a great idea. What I wanted to do was cry.

Daniel has been a tough nut to crack during this deployment. He never does what I think he will do or what is "typical" of a 4 year-old boy during his father's deployment. Just when you think it isn't affecting him, he breaks down crying. Just when you think he is handling it, he starts screaming and throwing a fit about nothing. When you think he would be happy about a reminder of daddy, he gets angry because it isn't the "real daddy." Now, it seems like he is starting to cope with this deployment a little better than before Ian came home for R&R. He is coping with the idea that daddy is gone and since R&R, I think he realizes daddy will come home, since he did once already. Ian makes sure that he talks to Daniel every time he calls, whether Daniel wants to talk to him or not. Ian always tells him "I love you and I miss you" even if Daniel says he doesn't want to talk to him. I think hearing Ian say that despite Daniel not wanting to talk to Ian has made Daniel start to understand that daddy still cares about him/us and wants to watch over him/us. I think that is part of why he put the flat daddy in the window, so it could feel like daddy is doing for us what he usually does, even with an ocean and a continent between us, he is watching over us.


I guess we will see what breakthroughs this brings from my son. Hopefully it is a turning point for him in dealing with this deployment and he can start to talk to me about what he is thinking and feeling more... well, as much as a 4-year-old can.

Moving forward, one step at a time. Making it through this deployment, one step at a time. It is how we do things. It is how we make it through until reunion time.

Day 198: Retreat

I have this opportunity to attend a retreat that is just for families of deployed soldiers in our brigade. It is a weekend thing that will be held about 3 hours away from here at a really nice resort hotel. They offer childcare but it is more for the spouses to attend workshops and maybe make some support connections at the same time. I really want to go because I am sure it would be beneficial for me. I have been debating over whether or not I want to bring my kids with me, or let them stay with a friend for the weekend. On one hand, bringing the kids would give them and me a unique time to get away from the house and spend a weekend together. On the other hand, there really isn't that much for them to do there. It is too cold to spend time at their amazing pools and they don't have a lot of playgrounds around the hotel. We will be spending most of the day in the hotel, me at seminars and the kids at childcare. Plus, some "me time" might be insanely beneficial for me. So, I am torn. I hate choosing between time with my kids in a unique setting or a rare chance for a weekend by myself that I can use to just relax and breathe.

The best part of this whole thing is that I have the option. I have talked many times about how important it is to have a solid support system in place when your husband is deployed. Well, I can not stress that enough. Not only is it important to have close family and friends (near and far) that support you and will listen to you when you need to vent or just talk. It is also really important that you have friends you TRUST nearby to help you out. Sometimes it gets really stressful when you are spending 24 hours a day with children and do not have a live, adult person in the house to talk to or to hand over the kids to for just a few hours to get a little time to yourself. Everyone needs a break, sometime. That is where awesome, trustworthy friends come into play. I am lucky enough that I have a few sets of friends that are close enough to watch my kids for the weekend if I decide to go to this retreat alone. These friends are also just as willing to answer the phone when I call and say I need a break. They jump in their car, send my kids to their house with their husband, and whisk me off to have coffee and let me vent. Those are awesome friends. I can't say I have a lot of them, because I don't. I can say that I have the BEST of them. They really are the best friends I could ask to have close to me, especially for me just meeting most of them right before Ian deployed, and some after he already left. Granted, there are a few from previous duty stations and times in my life that would do that for me if they were close enough, but since they aren't, they are still there for me when I need to talk long distance.

I cannot say enough how grateful I am for my support system and I know I would not be doing as well during this deployment without them. You know who you are, near and far, and I say THANK YOU with all of my heart! Thank you for being amazingly supportive friends and family and for helping me take it one day at a time.

Day 197: I guess I need to define bitter....

Apparently, my post yesterday offended some of my friends whose husbands are still in Kuwait and for that I am sorry. I guess I didn't explain my bitterness well enough yesterday. A few of my friends thought I was saying that they had no right to miss their husband or that they were not allowed to whine (much like I do) about the fact that they miss their husbands and how hard it is parenting by themselves. On the contrary, I said that I believe everyone has the right, and even should, miss their husbands no matter how long they are gone or where they are at. I was simply stating that I was frustrated at the people who interviewed in the article I read who were complaining that other people's soldiers came home but their husbands didn't. While finishing out the deployment as scheduled is still just as tough no matter where they are, I just hoped that they would see the silver-lining to their deployment cloud. I never once said their husbands aren't still serving and that they aren't sacrificing. I am insanely proud of all our military, especially those away from their families be it in Kuwait, Korea, or Afghanistan along with various other parts of the world. No matter where they are, they are sacrificing, as are their families.That was not the point of my blog. The point was that while yes, he is away, remember that it could be worse and there are worse places that he could be and there are still a lot of other soldiers in those worse places. I also remember that there is worse for me too. I have talked to my husband today.... That is the silver lining to my deployment cloud.

I guess I didn't explain the bitterness part either. For me, being bitter about soldiers coming home is only about the fact that I just wish it were my husband coming home as well as the other soldiers that came home. I am in no way upset about the soldiers coming home. I am happy for them. I would NEVER say that I wish my husband would come home and that the other soldiers would have to stay. When I said I was bitter, I was simply saying that I wished it was my husband too. I wish I could be celebrating having my husband home too. I would be happy to have him in Kuwait to finish out his tour. Again, though, I know this is our duty right now and I am okay with it. I am proud of my husband and what he does, no matter how much I worry. I just have bad days like everyone else and wish that my husband was home. Those days are even harder when you see those awesome "Welcome Home" signs everywhere and all you can think about is how much longer it is going to be before you can get your sign out. It is natural. The only difference is that I write about it and am honest about it. Yes, I am "bitter" (using that term loosely I might add) that my husband was not one of the ones that came home early. That does not mean that I am in any way upset by hearing people say they are happy their husbands are home or are missing their husband/fiance/boyfriend no matter where and for how long they are gone (if you have read my blog for a while, you would have seen a post... Day 62 to be exact...about not hating on those that are missing their significant other, no matter how long the separation and whether they are military or not). It means just this... I miss my husband too and want him home as soon as I can get him.

I hope this cleared up what I was trying to say. If not, then I am sorry. I am not exactly a writer but try to get what I mean out and avoid misunderstandings. I have said it many times in my blog though, these are my personal feelings and my personal struggles that I face during this deployment. This is the way I cope with the stresses of this deployment. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and roses or even motivational. There are bad days along with the good.

On a good note, I am another day closer to seeing my husband again and holding him in my arms. What a sweet reunion that will be.

Day 196: Crap... I became THAT wife

I told myself I wouldn't do it. I told myself that I knew better and would not become one of those Army wives. You know the one: the one that is bitter about someone else's husband coming come when her's is not home. Yeah, well, that is me right now. I am not exactly proud of it, but I am honest about it.

Let me explain. When my husband first deployed, I would look at those "Welcome Home" signs that people would put on their houses and be happy for them. I knew it was my husband's turn and duty to deploy and I also knew that those families had just spent a year without their soldier around. So, they deserved that homecoming. They deserved me being happy for them and not upset because it wasn't my husband. I was okay with it, happy even.

Now, over 6 months into this deployment, I am feeling the bitterness come. It stems more from the fact that a lot of soldiers around here came home after 6 months of being deployed. Even that, though, I was pretty happy for them all. I am happy that these soldiers got to spend the holidays home and deserve a great homecoming. No matter how short the time away, it is always hard. I wish, like every wife does I imagine, that my husband too could come home early, but I know that someone has to stay.

I guess what really set me off was reading an article about some wives who were mad that their husbands had to stay in Kuwait to finish out their tour. I understand that they wanted their husbands home early too, but it bothers me that they are kicking and screaming about their husbands being in Kuwait. My husband is in Afghanistan and will be there to finish out his year-long tour. I think those other wives should be grateful for the fact that their husbands are in Kuwait to finish out their tour, not having to know that they are waking up to incoming fire sirens. I would consider myself lucky if my husband were in Kuwait. And there is the bitterness. I try not to be, but it just kinda creeps up on me. I understand that no matter where a soldier is, their family will miss them. I just get upset that those families are complaining so openly about the fact that their husbands are in Kuwait instead of Iraq or Afghanistan. I am not bitter that my husband is deployed, I know it is our turn to go through this and that God is using this to teach us some valuable lessons. I am just mixed with feelings of happiness for my friends whose husbands came home early, frustration for those that are complaining, and sadness because I wish mine were home already and because I am missing him terribly.

One day at a time, I am taking this one day at a time, and making it... one day at a time.

Day 195: Making changes

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. I don't like them simply because people make them so flippantly with no intention on keeping them. I have been wanting to start working on making myself healthier. I used to workout and watch what I was eating, and when I was doing that I was feeling better. I felt more energetic and was able to get more done.

Since before moving here, I stopped caring about it all. I stopped exercising and stopped watching what I ate. I have gained 8 pounds and I can feel it. I can feel myself slowing down and not caring about taking care of myself. So, I am getting re-motivated to start taking care of myself again. I took the first step today. I started watching what I ate and I went for a walk with the kids. It is a small step, but a good first step.

Here is to the first steps in making good changes to my life. I am taking it one day at a time both with my own personal health and getting through this deployment. I have said it before and I will say it again. It is the best I can do, and it will get me through this. 

Day 194: The first day of the year

Today was one of those days that I really hope does not set the tone for the rest of the year. Everyone always places so much weight on the first day of the new year and believes that in order to have a great year, you have to have a great first day. I have tried to buy into that and make every year good by starting out well, but, every year, that has failed. No matter how good or "perfect" that first day is, the year does what it is going to do. There are ups and downs in the year and no matter how clean my house is on that first day, it always manages to get messed up and I have to deal with it.

So, today my house was not immaculate like I wanted, all of my laundry wasn't folded and put away, and my kids did not listen to a word I said. This first day of the new year, I spent it away from the love of my life and worried about him. So basically there is no way that today is just a taste of what the year has for me. This year, I my husband will come home, my house will be kept up, and not everyday will be a bad day where the kids don't listen. They will have good days too. So, despite how difficult today was, it is not the tell-all of my year. I won't let it be.

Another day done, just getting that much closer to seeing my husband again. Here is to the start of the year my husband comes home. 2012 will be a great year.