Day 8- I Miss My Friend

Today I decided to take the kids to a real lunch... I mean the sit down type. I told my husband I wouldn't want to take them the whole time he was gone, but I gave in and took them to lunch, considering I have been feeding them Mac n Cheese and PB&J sandwiches for the past week. So, yeah, it turned out it was a bad idea. We had to take 2 bathroom breaks, lost a whole thing of rice, and broke the bowl the rice was in. Not that it was a total disaster, but, it was not exactly a relaxing meal. From now on, if it isn't served in a bad of some sort and/or have a playground attached, I AM NOT going! :-)

I managed to get a lot of things done today along with talking to the love of my life. One thing I have been needing to do, and started to do it today, was to go through my iPod and do some "deployment cleaning." When I first found out that Ian was being deployed, I started hearing songs I loved in a more personal way and started compiling a list of those that I needed to take out. Well, I haven't done it until now, and it has caused more issues for me than I need. I keep getting caught off guard by songs like "Just a Dream" By Carrie Underwood (Really brutal), "American Soldier" by Toby Keith, "Come Home Soon" and "Still Holding Out for You" by SheDaisy, and the most brutal "I Miss My Friend" by Darryl Worley (who is an awesome supporter of our troops BTW). So these songs, though I love them, are being taken out of my playlists and put into their own little list so I can pull them out and listen to them if I want, but that they don't sneak up on me when I am listening to my music while cleaning or doing laundry. So, below, I am putting the lyrics of "I Miss My Friend" because they ring true. Though I haven't lost him, I am missing him everyday. These lyrics are so awesome in explaining how much of a friend my husband is to me. He is my best friend. The one my heart and soul confides in. The one I have felt the safest with. My best friend. The love of my life. My Husband, My Hero.

I Miss My Friend
   ------Darryl Worley

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh, but baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss my friend

I miss my friend

Mmmmmmmm

I miss my friend

Day 7: One Day at a Time

My best friend (the not-my-husband one) has told me many times, when I have called her to talk about the expanse of time ahead of me until Ian returns, that I need to take it one day at a time. So, here I am. I have made it through one more day. It really is the best way of thinking about it, because if you think about how long a year is with out the core of your existence, your safe harbor, your best friend, the one person who knows you as well as you do yourself... It becomes very daunting. It seems like it is way too long to go without him. But, if you take it one day at a time, it eases that just a little. It becomes manageable. Today, I got up, went for a morning walk with the kids, actually did my hair, took the kids to get lunch, did laundry, cooked dinner, ate dinner, went to bible study and came home. One day done. One day closer to reunion.

The best part of today was talking to my husband. I was able to tell him about our outstanding phone bill... We were under our allotted amount... Very exciting. He also called early enough that the kids were able to talk to him. They were happy to talk to him, but they are still coping with the separation and are not able to control their feelings with their dad. They told him how much they missed him and the younger two told him they didn't want him to leave in the first place, didn't want him to be gone for a long time, and wanted him to come home. Brutal, right? That was really hard on me, but even harder on my husband. The bad part for me was that I couldn't fix it by being strong. I couldn't comfort my husband by being a strong wife. There was nothing I could do but tell him that they will be ok and that they are still adjusting and coping with it. He said he knows but that it doesn't make it any easier. And that part I knew. I felt helpless. I ended the conversation on a positive note. I told him all that I was going to do tomorrow, some of which benefited him. I reminded him that he can call me whenever... day or night. I told him the best thing for me was hearing his voice, even more so that sleep... I think it worked. :-)

One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. That is all. Just one day at a time. God will help my family and me through this. One day at a time.

Day 6: What is Your Husband Doing Over There?

I made it through another day. I had not heard from my hubby in over a day and a half and got a little worried. Then, his email came. It was such a relief to see. He told me he was ok and how his day went... Much like a conversation we would have had if he were home. He told me he missed me and the kids and sent his love. It just warmed my heart. I could hear exactly the way it would sound in his voice... Such an amazing voice.

I have gotten the question "What is your husband doing over there?" a lot from people. I know they want specifics and are not completely oblivious as to why we are there, heck some of those asking have been Army wives themselves. The problem is, I can't give specifics because I don't know. Here is what I do know: I know he will be fighting for our country and protecting his brothers/sisters-in-arms as they fight right beside him. I know he will be in harms way and I know that he will be gone for quite a while. I know that he will miss a year's worth of our children growing up, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. I know that, while he misses us, he is focused on what he needs to do. I also know he will do everything he can to come back home to me and ensure that his soldiers get back to their families. That is what I know he will be doing. I have to "filter" myself when I get asked that question, because the answer I want to give is quite rude. Instead, I stand there, smile and say the truth, "I don't really know. I just know he is serving over there and fighting for our country and I am SO proud of him and proud to forever call him my amazing husband."

Day 5: Pushing through

I am posting this a day late, but still from Monday- Day 5.

Today I was determined to get out and do things. I did just that. I got up, actually ate breakfast, and hung out with the kids for the morning. We then went to the pool with some friends and enjoyed the water for a while. While there, I was told that because two of my children are over 5 years old, we could not be in the wading pool that we were currently in because Daniel is, in fact, under 5. The lifeguard told me it was the rule and I tried to explain that I cannot leave my children in the pool by themselves, either way, and my son preferred the pool he could stand in. I was told again, that I had to move to the big pool with all my kids. Needless to say, I wasn't insanely happy about that. Before, Ian and I would divide and conquer. He would most likely have taken the girls to the big pool to swim and jump in, and I would have stayed with Daniel. It was just one more reminder.

We ended up having fun in the big pool. They have 2 slides there and the kids had a blast. The funniest part was watching Daniel throw himself recklessly down the slide and crash into the water just to pop up with a huge grin on his face.

We came home, took showers and waited out the rest of the hot day. We intended to go on a walk with a friend but that was derailed by Natalie's tummy hurting. So, we stayed home and all went to be early. It is quite an accomplishment, really, I am here in bed ready to shutdown everything at 9:10pm.

I have not heard from my husband in over a day and a half. I am not exactly worried, just anxious to hear from him. It is times like these, that I have to push through. I have to live life with the kids while waiting for that phone call. Lately, Ian has been FaceTime'ing me and I have felt like I have to stay in range of a wifi connection at all times. Now, I know that I have to be ok with leaving the house and hope that he can call my cell rather than just FaceTime. I know once he gets settled over there, that we can set up a communication schedule and it will make life easier. These first few weeks of sporadic communication is brutal, but again, I just have to push through.

Day 4- Get your big girl panties on!

This morning I was woken up at 3:30am by my phone. It was my husband and I was both elated to hear from him and dreading what I needed to tell him. So, I sat up, "put on my big girl panties" and told him that I had to put our dog, Bodie down yesterday. It was hard for us both, but I know it hit him twice as hard because he wanted to be here for me and couldn't be. I told him I was sorry and that I was ok. He said he understood why and thought it was a good decision, but it didn't make it any easier.

He called back at 8 am to talk to the kids. Afterward he asked if we should tell the kids. I said no because they have been through enough for now. Once the immediate pain of daddy being gone subsides we will tell them. For now, as far as the kids are concerned, Bodie is hanging out with grandma and grandpa to try and get some rest. So, with this, I carry this grief out of the sight of my children.

Today was a good day for us all. We are starting to get our routine going, something that will help a ton. I did not, however, go to church today. My reasoning is probably flawed, but I just couldn't handle it. I didn't want to answer the questions of "How are you?" I am just not ready for that yet. So, I spent the day with my kids an we enjoyed spending time together.

Starting tomorrow, I am not going to hide out anymore. I am going to get out there, show them I am ok and answer those questions. It is time for me to get my big girl panties on and in place. I am in survival mode now. I am going to be ok. I am going to be great.... I have to be...... Just have to remember, one step at a time. Left, right , left, right..... Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Day 3- And the hits just keep on comin

Day 3 of my husband's deployment started out ok. I was again awakened by a phone call from my husband, which immediately put me in a good mood. I had to break the news to him that I had another man in my bed... My little man, my son, Daniel. That made my hubby laugh and he wanted to see him, so it was a little treat to see his son while he slept. It was a nice conversation, short, but nice. I was then able to go back to sleep and get a few extra hours.

When I got up, finally, I was treated to waffles with strawberries on top by my best friend, Raquel, who has been with me since Ian left. She has been phenomenal. She has been helping me with the kids so I have time to just cry and/or get stuff done. I have been spolied by her insanely good cooking, but it has been very much needed as I have not had an appetite for the past three days, but Raquel has been making me eat so I can stay strong.

Today was particularily brutal. I had to make a decision that was really hard and painful without the ability to talk to my husband and have his support. I was able to lean on the support of my best friend and my mom (from a distance)... Something all Army wives learn to start doing once they marry their soldiers. I have also had to find a way to keep it from my children because they can only take one thing at a time...At times like this, being a parent really sucks. You really have to shoulder all of the pain to keep it from your children. I have been dying to talk to my husband so I can tell him about what happened, but I have not talked to him since early this morning. I utilized my support as best I could, but there still is the need of talking to my husband.

As I went through the day, my mood went downhill. I was wanting to cry off and on. So, I threw myself into cleaning the house and staying busy. I spent time with my son, building with his leggos and reading books. At the end of the night, after I was done with the chores I was working on, I had a tea party with my daughters, Raquel, and her daughter. Being able to spend some fun time with my kids, helped to get my emotions in check. I still want to talk to Ian, but was able to continue to function and not completely shut down.

Another day down.... Tomorrow is Sunday, meaning I should go to church. Not sure how I feel about that, and I know that I am going to have to answer the question "How are you?" I really don't want to answer that question. I guess we will have to see what tomorrow has to bring.

Here is to hoping I get woken up by my wonderful, amazing, handsome husband!

Day 2: Attaching the phone to my body

It is day 2 and I am treading water, so to speak. Last night, I couldn't bring myself to go to bed, knowing I was going there alone. The bed I shared with my husband is so cold and empty without him. So, I made sure I was on the verge of sleep before I pulled myself up the stairs to my room. I fell asleep with his shirt next to me and woke up this morning to his phone call. Talk about an amazing way to be woken up. He FaceTimed me, so I got to see his amazing face too! Started my day off right.

After ascertaining that he was ok and letting the kids talk to him, I was able to start my day easier than I would have had he not called. So, I did some yard work this morning after getting up, trying to keep the house up to standard while my soldier is gone.

Throughout the day, I continually checked and rechecked to make sure I had my phone in reach. When your husband is gone, you know that he may only have one chance to call you that day or week, so you make sure you don't miss it. Us Army wives keep our phones with us all the time. We take it to the bathroom and sit it on the counter while we shower, we sleep with it in our bed or on the nightstand, we have it in our pockets or around our neck as we do our various chores around the house, and we check for it when we leave our house (about the same as our car keys). We do this because if we forget our phone, we might just miss our chance to talk to our husbands. That is unbearable.

I learned this today. I forgot my phone when my friend and I took the kids to the movies.... It was the longest 2.5 hrs. I was so worried that I would miss his call. When I got back, I went straight to find it and check to see if he called. Luckily, in one way, he didn't call and I didn't miss my chance to talk to him. So, I have learned my lesson. I will ensure that I always have my phone because I know that if I don't, I will be worried about it until I am able to get my phone back to my side. So, I am going to find a way that, even on those days that I wear something that doesn't have pockets, I can put it on a lanyard around my neck or something to make certain that I do not leave it behind. Maybe I will bring fanny packs back.....nah! I will have to work out something though! For now, I will have to do it the old fashioned way, pockets, purse, or in my hand.

Well, it is time to drag myself to bed again.... Day 2 is over... I made it through one more day.... One step at a time... Left, right, left, right......

Day 1- The dreaded "See-You-Laters"

In the early hours of morning, my children and I said good-bye to my soldier husband and sent him off to war. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. Knowing he is going to be in danger while defending our freedom, having to kiss him goodbye felt like I was being ripped in half. On one hand, I had to be there for my children, and on the other, I couldn't stand to let him go. But, I am an Army wife, this is what we do. We hug and kiss our soldiers goodbye and send them off to war with them knowing that we love them, will miss them, we will survive this, and we will be here when the he gets back. Not that I was insanely brave... Don't get me wrong. I was crying harder than I have ever cried, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and had to force myself to leave that gym.

I was extremely lucky, if one can be lucky in this situation. My best friend in the world, came up to be with me during this time. With her and her kids, they were able to help me get through this horrible day and helped to distract my children. They were there for the deployment ceremony and just their presence was immensely helpful. The hardest part was when my son, he's 4, finally realized that his daddy was leaving for a long time. Before, we had tried to tell him what was going on and explain the seriousness of it, but he never seemed to get it. Finally, with the 10 minute warning to say your final goodbyes, I told Daniel we had to say goodbye to daddy now, and the tears started flowing. He was beside himself because he now realized what was going on. And the sight of all three of my children in my husbands arms, crying, was more than I could take. Then we each gave him our individual hugs and goodbyes, did one more family hug, and said goodbye.

With that, I drove home, barely able to control myself to be able to see out the window. I got home, put the kids to bed, said goodnight and went up to my room. I was still sad that my husband left, but at the same time, I was proud of what he does and the man he is. I knew, as I closed my eyes next to his pillow and shirt, that I could do this and I would not only survive this deployment, but I would thrive. I will live life with my children and keep the house up in anticipation of the day he comes home. I knew I would not get much sleep, but I knew I would wake up in a few hrs, still missing him, but more determined than ever. And that is what I am look towards now.