04/29/2012-05/09/2012
Well, I lost my momentum with this blog. I told myself I would write a blog everyday no matter what. Something to document this year and show that each day has counted in some way. I kind of dropped the ball. Mostly, I have been so busy, tired, and stressed that I just didn't want to sit down at night and write. I also had been talking to my husband fairly consistently and was able to talk with him about everything. In the past 10 days, I have had to deal with my daughter's school, my own doctor's appointment to get some tests run, and my son having a severe asthmatic episode that lasted for more than 5 days. It was all just a bit crazy and overwhelming.
In regards to my daughter's school, I was able to get a meeting with her principal and talked to her about what had gone on. She had not been made aware of the issue until receiving emails from both my husband and myself. She was great to talk to and she was very understanding of my concerns. I felt she really did handle it well and resolved it as best as it could be resolved.
Daniel was put on a steroid to get his asthma under control and was given some medications to manage his asthma. As of right now, I am still trying to keep it under control and having to give him treatments every 4 hours, which is difficult at times, but him breathing is well worth the issues. It is kind of funny because he gets so amped up after having a treatment that he just can't seem to control himself. Normally he is a hyper kid, add the asthma treatments and he gets worse. It can be comical, but also a bit stressful.
I took Daniel to the doctor yesterday and while we were at the doctor, I got a phone call. It was one that I wasn't expecting to get. It was from my doctor's office. They called to tell me that they got the results of my tests and said they need to see me ASAP. They asked if I could come in that day, but I told them I couldn't because of Daniel. They then asked if I could come in the next day (today) and I was able to schedule and appointment for after school. Needless to say that as soon as I got off the phone with them, I was insanely worried. I prayed, and prayed hard. I mostly just wish they could have told me right then instead of making me wait. I know it is going to be some not so great news, because they never call you in ASAP to tell you good news. Especially since I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of the month.
I wrestled with telling Ian about it. I didn't want to worry him if it was unnecessary. I wanted to wait until I knew what the problem was before I told him anything. But, I know my husband. I know he would want to know. I know that if I held this from him, he would be upset at me. I also know that he is training right now and is not directly in harms way. So, I was okay with telling him. I will admit that if he was going out on a mission or doing something really dangerous, I would have not told him until he was safe again.
So, I told Ian yesterday. He is naturally worried about me, but I assured him that I was okay and would be well taken care of by my friends no matter what it is. I know that no matter what, I have people around me to help me out as needed. I also know that Ian wishes he was here and was able to help take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I try to reassure him more that he is doing great and that I will be just fine until he comes home.
I went to the doctor this afternoon. It really wasn't helpful. They basically told me that I have a cyst on my ovary that is about twice the size of the ovary itself. She could not tell me anything about it nor could she answer any of my questions. All she could tell me was that I had it and how big it was. She said that I needed to see a specialist and they will be able to talk to me and tell me more about it. So, now I have to wait until tomorrow to make an appointment and the wait for the actual appointment before I can get some real answers.
I am going to get through whatever this is that I have to deal with physically. I will get through each day that I need to in order to get to the homecoming day. I know we are getting closer, but I am getting more and more anxious for it. One day at a time has worked up to now, and it will have to continue to work.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 310: Mommy Time
04/30/2012
Today was a great day. For the first time in over a year, I have found myself a great babysitter and was able to go out by myself for the first time in a while. It was nice to just go out and have dinner and relax at a movie. I didn't feel guilty for asking a friend of mine with her own set of kids. I was able to relax and not worry that my kids were pushing my friends to their limits.
I really can't overstate how amazing it is to find a babysitter that you can trust (outside your circle of friends). Getting those precious times of some me times are great. It is also good for me because I can now start taking the kids on their own individual date nights while leaving the other two with the babysitter. I am a tad more hopeful now that I know I have some added backup here at our new home.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Day 309: I don't want to do this on my own
04/27/2012
I am getting ready to cry UNCLE on this deployment. To give up and let it win. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I have a choice in the matter, I have to continue. The Army won't bring my husband home early just because I cry "Uncle" and am feeling stressed. It isn't that easy.
Today, after I dropped my kids off at school, I drove to Emily's school to speak with her Assistant Principal (AP) about the issue I just became aware of. She was nice enough to meet with me quickly. She said she knew Emily a little in that she had spoken with her a few times at various events and thought she was a sweet, funny kid. When I told her about her being punished for at least 4 months without my knowledge, she said she didn't believe it. She told me that she didn't think it could have gone on for so long. I tried telling her that I had talked to Emily for a while to ensure she was not exaggerating, and she wasn't. She continued to tell me the same thing, never changing her story. As her mother, I have a bit of a super power, I know if she is lying or not (she really sucks at it). I knew she wasn't lying because I wouldn't have jumped in to talk to them about it if I wasn't sure. Then she said that she wants me to meet with the teachers today during their conference time at 1:10pm. I said I would be back by then.
When I came back, I knew it wasn't going to be productive. The first thing the AP said was that she talked to the teacher and the teacher said that Emily had not been on the fence hardly at all. So, I went to the meeting, hoping that it would be better, but I had the feeling I was being lied to. The teacher told me that Emily was rarely on the fence. So I asked her to give me a round about number. Was it once or twice a week? A month? The teacher told me that no, it was sporadic at best. That Emily had hardly been on the fence. I knew that was a lie because my daughter would have told me after I asked her 10 times. She would have said that it really wasn't that much. But Emily told me that she had been on everyday for months. It was too big a difference in what Emily said and what the teacher said. After talking to the teacher for over 30 minutes, I felt no better about the situation. She was trying to keep herself out of trouble.
Later, Emily came home and told me that her teacher had talked to her after I left. She said things to Emily that were her trying to convince Emily that it "wasn't as much as she thought." She told her to remember the times when she didn't write her name on the board or that she gave all the kids a day off the fence. That did it. Not only had I been lied to, she was trying to talk my daughter into saying she was wrong. I asked Emily again, and she said the same as before. That she was on the fence everyday. The only breaks she had was when it was a really short recess (a couple times maybe) or indoor recess. Then she asked if she could change classes because she was tired of being treated badly by her classmates and because she didn't have anymore friends. They all think she shouldn't be playing with them and that she should be on the fence. That broke my heart.
So, here I sit. Waiting for Monday to try and talk to the principal again. I wish Ian were here to go through this with me. That he were here to talk to the school. I hate having to take care of this on my own, but, again, I know it is what I have to do. I will deal with it because I have to, not because I want to. I want to have my husband by my side to talk to them. At least I have him to talk to at night and have him to help me talk to Emily. For that, I am truly grateful and am able to get through it.
I am getting ready to cry UNCLE on this deployment. To give up and let it win. I don't want to do this anymore. Not that I have a choice in the matter, I have to continue. The Army won't bring my husband home early just because I cry "Uncle" and am feeling stressed. It isn't that easy.
Today, after I dropped my kids off at school, I drove to Emily's school to speak with her Assistant Principal (AP) about the issue I just became aware of. She was nice enough to meet with me quickly. She said she knew Emily a little in that she had spoken with her a few times at various events and thought she was a sweet, funny kid. When I told her about her being punished for at least 4 months without my knowledge, she said she didn't believe it. She told me that she didn't think it could have gone on for so long. I tried telling her that I had talked to Emily for a while to ensure she was not exaggerating, and she wasn't. She continued to tell me the same thing, never changing her story. As her mother, I have a bit of a super power, I know if she is lying or not (she really sucks at it). I knew she wasn't lying because I wouldn't have jumped in to talk to them about it if I wasn't sure. Then she said that she wants me to meet with the teachers today during their conference time at 1:10pm. I said I would be back by then.
When I came back, I knew it wasn't going to be productive. The first thing the AP said was that she talked to the teacher and the teacher said that Emily had not been on the fence hardly at all. So, I went to the meeting, hoping that it would be better, but I had the feeling I was being lied to. The teacher told me that Emily was rarely on the fence. So I asked her to give me a round about number. Was it once or twice a week? A month? The teacher told me that no, it was sporadic at best. That Emily had hardly been on the fence. I knew that was a lie because my daughter would have told me after I asked her 10 times. She would have said that it really wasn't that much. But Emily told me that she had been on everyday for months. It was too big a difference in what Emily said and what the teacher said. After talking to the teacher for over 30 minutes, I felt no better about the situation. She was trying to keep herself out of trouble.
Later, Emily came home and told me that her teacher had talked to her after I left. She said things to Emily that were her trying to convince Emily that it "wasn't as much as she thought." She told her to remember the times when she didn't write her name on the board or that she gave all the kids a day off the fence. That did it. Not only had I been lied to, she was trying to talk my daughter into saying she was wrong. I asked Emily again, and she said the same as before. That she was on the fence everyday. The only breaks she had was when it was a really short recess (a couple times maybe) or indoor recess. Then she asked if she could change classes because she was tired of being treated badly by her classmates and because she didn't have anymore friends. They all think she shouldn't be playing with them and that she should be on the fence. That broke my heart.
So, here I sit. Waiting for Monday to try and talk to the principal again. I wish Ian were here to go through this with me. That he were here to talk to the school. I hate having to take care of this on my own, but, again, I know it is what I have to do. I will deal with it because I have to, not because I want to. I want to have my husband by my side to talk to them. At least I have him to talk to at night and have him to help me talk to Emily. For that, I am truly grateful and am able to get through it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Day 308: Fail.
04/26/2012
Well, today, I did... I failed. I feel like I have failed my oldest daughter. I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have failed her and that it is too late to fix it.
I found out today that my daughter has been missing out on recess for the past 5+ months because she hasn't been having me sign her agenda. I know she does her homework, because I ask her and she shows it to me, plus her grades are great. I didn't know that her agenda was supposed to be signed twice a week. She never asked and never told me. Suddenly she is asking me to sign it and I ask her what the difference is. She said she was always supposed to be having me sign it, but never asked. I thought it meant she was hiding something and that she wasn't doing her homework, but again, I knew I had seen it and I know her grades are great. So, I asked her what the difference is. That is when she told me that if she doesn't get her agenda signed, she loses her recess. I asked her how long this has gone on for and she told me since about November! I was shocked. I couldn't believe she has gone without recess for that long and no one has told me about it, not her, not her teacher. It was a big deal to me because I know that her recess is important for kids her age and that she is a good kid and should not be sitting out every recess like she is doing wrong. I am upset that I wasn't told by either her or her teacher and that it has just been accepted all school year.
I also felt guilty. I have been so consumed with work that I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her teachers hardly at all. I talk to the younger kids' teachers because I am at their school and even work closely with one of them. Emily has been doing so well in school that the few times I have talked to her teachers they have told me they have no worries. So, I wonder that if I talked to them more, would I have been able to avoid this? Would it have changed anything? Would they have asked me what was going on earlier?
I asked Emily why it didn't bother her that she was missing out on recess and she just said that she had gotten used to it.... that broke my heart. She also told me that it kept her away from some of the "popular girls" who drove her nuts with the way they acted and the stuff they would say. Nothing that was really hurtful to her, just annoying. She mostly didn't like how they told her she was short and young. I told her that it is okay to be short and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of it. She is short, just as God made her. She is young, yes, but a smart kid at that. She is a very sweet girl who is funny and nice. I told her that those stupid comments and their stupid actions should not make her want to stand on the fence. I
I have a feeling there is more, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I just wish I could have known about it sooner than now, with 25 or so days left of school. I wish I could have done something sooner, because every day I would ask her about school, she would tell me about a bunch of other stuff, but nothing about this.
Ian would know what to say to her, and I wish he were here to talk to her with me. For now, I just have to wait for him to call so I can tell him about it and get his opinion on how to deal with it. He is usually pretty good and coming up with a plan of action.
Well, today, I did... I failed. I feel like I have failed my oldest daughter. I hate that feeling. I hate that I feel like I have failed her and that it is too late to fix it.
I found out today that my daughter has been missing out on recess for the past 5+ months because she hasn't been having me sign her agenda. I know she does her homework, because I ask her and she shows it to me, plus her grades are great. I didn't know that her agenda was supposed to be signed twice a week. She never asked and never told me. Suddenly she is asking me to sign it and I ask her what the difference is. She said she was always supposed to be having me sign it, but never asked. I thought it meant she was hiding something and that she wasn't doing her homework, but again, I knew I had seen it and I know her grades are great. So, I asked her what the difference is. That is when she told me that if she doesn't get her agenda signed, she loses her recess. I asked her how long this has gone on for and she told me since about November! I was shocked. I couldn't believe she has gone without recess for that long and no one has told me about it, not her, not her teacher. It was a big deal to me because I know that her recess is important for kids her age and that she is a good kid and should not be sitting out every recess like she is doing wrong. I am upset that I wasn't told by either her or her teacher and that it has just been accepted all school year.
I also felt guilty. I have been so consumed with work that I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her teachers hardly at all. I talk to the younger kids' teachers because I am at their school and even work closely with one of them. Emily has been doing so well in school that the few times I have talked to her teachers they have told me they have no worries. So, I wonder that if I talked to them more, would I have been able to avoid this? Would it have changed anything? Would they have asked me what was going on earlier?
I asked Emily why it didn't bother her that she was missing out on recess and she just said that she had gotten used to it.... that broke my heart. She also told me that it kept her away from some of the "popular girls" who drove her nuts with the way they acted and the stuff they would say. Nothing that was really hurtful to her, just annoying. She mostly didn't like how they told her she was short and young. I told her that it is okay to be short and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in any of it. She is short, just as God made her. She is young, yes, but a smart kid at that. She is a very sweet girl who is funny and nice. I told her that those stupid comments and their stupid actions should not make her want to stand on the fence. I
I have a feeling there is more, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. I just wish I could have known about it sooner than now, with 25 or so days left of school. I wish I could have done something sooner, because every day I would ask her about school, she would tell me about a bunch of other stuff, but nothing about this.
Ian would know what to say to her, and I wish he were here to talk to her with me. For now, I just have to wait for him to call so I can tell him about it and get his opinion on how to deal with it. He is usually pretty good and coming up with a plan of action.
Day 306: Yup, that hurts
04/24/2012
Today was so painful. My knee was feeling better for the most part, except a few times when I tried to pivot. The major problem was in my calf muscle. Favoring my knee half the day Sunday and all day yesterday really strained my calf muscle. It hurt a little in the morning where I only had a minor limp. By the afternoon, I almost couldn't walk. I really wanted to just go home and lay down. Only problem was that I needed to get to the grocery store to get some stuff for my leg as well and something for dinner for all of us. The kids were really helpful at the commissary. They were more than eager to help me push the cart and grab stuff off the shelves. It was still painful, but they helped more than they know. So, we came home, I took a nice long, hot bath and then made a quick dinner.
I can't wait until my husband comes home. He gives great massages and I know he would help my calf muscle. Plus, he would have me rest and take care of the shopping. Then again, this is what makes us Army wives strong. We drive on when our soldiers are gone because we have to. We take care of everything when we are ill or hurt. The only thing that can keep us down is hospitalization. Other than that, we drive on and make it all work as best we can.
Today was so painful. My knee was feeling better for the most part, except a few times when I tried to pivot. The major problem was in my calf muscle. Favoring my knee half the day Sunday and all day yesterday really strained my calf muscle. It hurt a little in the morning where I only had a minor limp. By the afternoon, I almost couldn't walk. I really wanted to just go home and lay down. Only problem was that I needed to get to the grocery store to get some stuff for my leg as well and something for dinner for all of us. The kids were really helpful at the commissary. They were more than eager to help me push the cart and grab stuff off the shelves. It was still painful, but they helped more than they know. So, we came home, I took a nice long, hot bath and then made a quick dinner.
I can't wait until my husband comes home. He gives great massages and I know he would help my calf muscle. Plus, he would have me rest and take care of the shopping. Then again, this is what makes us Army wives strong. We drive on when our soldiers are gone because we have to. We take care of everything when we are ill or hurt. The only thing that can keep us down is hospitalization. Other than that, we drive on and make it all work as best we can.
Day 305: Physical challenge
04/23/2012
Today has been a challenging day, physically that is. While simply walking around my car yesterday, I somehow tweaked my knee and it gave way with no real reason for it. After limping around the house for an hour, it seemed to work it's way out. A few hours later I must have stepped wrong again and it ended up hurting again. So, today, I went to work hoping it would work it's way out again, and it didn't. So, during my short lunch break, I ran home and grabbed my old knee brace I used when I rode horses. I used it the rest of the day and it seemed to help stabilize my knee and helped me to get around for the day.
Only problem is that it really made me feel useless today because I couldn't really do anything when we came home. I was in so much pain, I just sat down and watched TV with the kids. I ordered pizza because I just couldn't stand anymore to be able to cook. I was able to function enough and able to still take care of the kids, but I wasn't able to take care of myself. I wasn't really able to relax enough to help my knee. I hope it is better tomorrow because it is going to be a long day if not. I have to be on my feet walking around the whole school all day tomorrow.
For now, I am going to try and get some sleep and hope it heals overnight.
Today has been a challenging day, physically that is. While simply walking around my car yesterday, I somehow tweaked my knee and it gave way with no real reason for it. After limping around the house for an hour, it seemed to work it's way out. A few hours later I must have stepped wrong again and it ended up hurting again. So, today, I went to work hoping it would work it's way out again, and it didn't. So, during my short lunch break, I ran home and grabbed my old knee brace I used when I rode horses. I used it the rest of the day and it seemed to help stabilize my knee and helped me to get around for the day.
Only problem is that it really made me feel useless today because I couldn't really do anything when we came home. I was in so much pain, I just sat down and watched TV with the kids. I ordered pizza because I just couldn't stand anymore to be able to cook. I was able to function enough and able to still take care of the kids, but I wasn't able to take care of myself. I wasn't really able to relax enough to help my knee. I hope it is better tomorrow because it is going to be a long day if not. I have to be on my feet walking around the whole school all day tomorrow.
For now, I am going to try and get some sleep and hope it heals overnight.
Day 303: Oh, how I miss it
04/21/2012
Today we went to a birthday party out at a stable for a friend's kid. My kids and I were invited for the party and then the mother asked if I would want to make the cake. I told her I would be more than happy to make it. I asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted a cake with Happy Birthday written on it. I told her that wouldn't happen and that I would need to do something a lot better than that. So, I did. I made a cowboy cake that turned out really cool.
So, going out to the stables was something that made me remember my own personal happy place. The first breath I take out there and the smell took me back to my stables I was at everyday as a teenager. I loved riding and would be with my horses as much as my time would allow. I saw the wranglers out there riding their horses and it made me wish I was there to so I could ride. However, I was there to celebrate my friend's kids' birthdays and for my kids to get their own pony rides. Despite not being on a horse myself, I had a blast watching my kids ride and walking around with them, as well as hanging out with my friends. All in all, it was a great day, but again, it made me miss my happy place. It made me miss the one thing that would relieve stress and would help me out of any sadness I was in... Riding my horses. I remember when I was a kid and my parents were in the middle of their divorce, I would walk out to my backyard where my horse was, hug her, and just cry. She was what comforted me, as well as the other horses I had that came after her. They were my happy place, my comfort zone. I loved going out for a ride on the river, or even just working my horse in the arena would put me in my own little world where my only worries were if I would get bucked off or not, and even that was no big deal because I was young and thought I was invincible.
I am not able to have my horses right now, and in a way, I am glad I don't have my horses during this deployment. I am not sure how I would be able to manage my time and be able to take care of them along with everything else by myself. I am sad about not having my horses because I would have a happy place to go. A place where I can just forget about everything else but the trail I am on and the horse underneath my legs. Some day I know I will get another horse, at least I hope. Some day, when my kids are old enough to join me or be able to be left home for an hour or two, maybe I can get a horse and have the time to go out for a ride. Maybe some day.
For now, I am going to try and make it out for a ride sometime soon and try and get some real riding time in before he comes home. If not, I know Ian will be more than willing to keep the kids and force me out the door to go riding.
Today we went to a birthday party out at a stable for a friend's kid. My kids and I were invited for the party and then the mother asked if I would want to make the cake. I told her I would be more than happy to make it. I asked her what she wanted and she said she just wanted a cake with Happy Birthday written on it. I told her that wouldn't happen and that I would need to do something a lot better than that. So, I did. I made a cowboy cake that turned out really cool.
So, going out to the stables was something that made me remember my own personal happy place. The first breath I take out there and the smell took me back to my stables I was at everyday as a teenager. I loved riding and would be with my horses as much as my time would allow. I saw the wranglers out there riding their horses and it made me wish I was there to so I could ride. However, I was there to celebrate my friend's kids' birthdays and for my kids to get their own pony rides. Despite not being on a horse myself, I had a blast watching my kids ride and walking around with them, as well as hanging out with my friends. All in all, it was a great day, but again, it made me miss my happy place. It made me miss the one thing that would relieve stress and would help me out of any sadness I was in... Riding my horses. I remember when I was a kid and my parents were in the middle of their divorce, I would walk out to my backyard where my horse was, hug her, and just cry. She was what comforted me, as well as the other horses I had that came after her. They were my happy place, my comfort zone. I loved going out for a ride on the river, or even just working my horse in the arena would put me in my own little world where my only worries were if I would get bucked off or not, and even that was no big deal because I was young and thought I was invincible.
I am not able to have my horses right now, and in a way, I am glad I don't have my horses during this deployment. I am not sure how I would be able to manage my time and be able to take care of them along with everything else by myself. I am sad about not having my horses because I would have a happy place to go. A place where I can just forget about everything else but the trail I am on and the horse underneath my legs. Some day I know I will get another horse, at least I hope. Some day, when my kids are old enough to join me or be able to be left home for an hour or two, maybe I can get a horse and have the time to go out for a ride. Maybe some day.
For now, I am going to try and make it out for a ride sometime soon and try and get some real riding time in before he comes home. If not, I know Ian will be more than willing to keep the kids and force me out the door to go riding.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Day 302: Stupid distractions
04/20/2012
Today was a day that I realized I need to stop being such a scatter-brained person. I am way to forgetful and can't seem to keep a focus on things. It is really a bad habit I have and am constantly working on it. After work I agreed to go to a friend's house to pick up a cake and deliver it for her. While there, she offered to help me with my cake that I have due tomorrow by printing up a few pages of pictures on edible paper. While printing, the printer didn't want to work right, so the tinkering side of my brain took over and I started trying to fix it. After a while we decided to call support and tell them what was wrong and what I already did to try and fix it. Eventually they agreed to send a new one, though I told them that I thought it was the ink cartridge being faulty. Either way, they said they would send a whole new unit. Once I left out of her house and got back in by car, I realized I had left my phone in the car and had missed a call from my most supportive friend here locally. I told her I would watch her youngest kids tonight, but we never set a solid time. So, I called her back and told her I was on my way home now. She told me it was too late to go out with her oldest son and to forget about it for now. I felt horrible. I told her I lost track of time I forgot my phone but that I could meet her to get her kids. She told me there wasn't much time before the movie, but that if I thought I could make it there before the movie, then that would be good. So, I went as fast as I could (legally-ish) to meet up with her. I made it there on time and was able to take her kids with me back to my house.
I had a good night with the kids. We hung out and watched some kids movies and I made dinner. While all the kids were playing, I was able to bake the cake I have to make for my friend for tomorrow. When my friend came to pick up her kids, I couldn't help but apologize over and over for getting distracted. She was nice enough to forgive me and is just glad that she was able to take her son out. I told her that I was again so sorry, but glad I could help her out still and that I am working on my own little ADD problem. I hope she knows how bad I felt that I let her down and that I am trying so hard not to do that to anyone. I guess I just try and do too much and I really need to work on that.
This definitely is not associated with the deployment, it is just my way that I can be easily distracted, especially when there is something that needs to be fixed, and I know how to fix it. I just know that I need to get better and focusing on time and next time I know I need to set a for sure time (leaving me no wiggle room). Well, with each day we learn something new. I just hope I can continue to improve on myself and try and help my friends as best I can.
Today was a day that I realized I need to stop being such a scatter-brained person. I am way to forgetful and can't seem to keep a focus on things. It is really a bad habit I have and am constantly working on it. After work I agreed to go to a friend's house to pick up a cake and deliver it for her. While there, she offered to help me with my cake that I have due tomorrow by printing up a few pages of pictures on edible paper. While printing, the printer didn't want to work right, so the tinkering side of my brain took over and I started trying to fix it. After a while we decided to call support and tell them what was wrong and what I already did to try and fix it. Eventually they agreed to send a new one, though I told them that I thought it was the ink cartridge being faulty. Either way, they said they would send a whole new unit. Once I left out of her house and got back in by car, I realized I had left my phone in the car and had missed a call from my most supportive friend here locally. I told her I would watch her youngest kids tonight, but we never set a solid time. So, I called her back and told her I was on my way home now. She told me it was too late to go out with her oldest son and to forget about it for now. I felt horrible. I told her I lost track of time I forgot my phone but that I could meet her to get her kids. She told me there wasn't much time before the movie, but that if I thought I could make it there before the movie, then that would be good. So, I went as fast as I could (legally-ish) to meet up with her. I made it there on time and was able to take her kids with me back to my house.
I had a good night with the kids. We hung out and watched some kids movies and I made dinner. While all the kids were playing, I was able to bake the cake I have to make for my friend for tomorrow. When my friend came to pick up her kids, I couldn't help but apologize over and over for getting distracted. She was nice enough to forgive me and is just glad that she was able to take her son out. I told her that I was again so sorry, but glad I could help her out still and that I am working on my own little ADD problem. I hope she knows how bad I felt that I let her down and that I am trying so hard not to do that to anyone. I guess I just try and do too much and I really need to work on that.
This definitely is not associated with the deployment, it is just my way that I can be easily distracted, especially when there is something that needs to be fixed, and I know how to fix it. I just know that I need to get better and focusing on time and next time I know I need to set a for sure time (leaving me no wiggle room). Well, with each day we learn something new. I just hope I can continue to improve on myself and try and help my friends as best I can.
Day 301: Hit by my kids' emotion... again
04/19/2012
Today was another day in our usual weekly routine. The girls had piano lessons and Daniel and I sat in on them. It was fun watching the girls play and learn their songs. Emily had lessons a few years ago and had some real promising natural talent. This is a first for Natalie, but she is doing really well herself. They are brave enough that this is only their second lesson and they have decided to be a part of the recital planned for next month. I told them that is great but that they have to be committed enough to practice every day.
I made the comment that I can't believe they will have their first recital in a month and that I will have to film it for daddy. The girls looked at me questioningly and said, "Daddy won't be home by then?" I said no and that made them sad. They know we are getting closer to Ian coming home but it is not soon enough. The girls really did think that Ian might be home to see their recital and were sad that he won't be. I told them that if daddy can, we will Skype with him. If not, we will definitely video it and send it to him. That made them feel a little better, but they still are a little sad. I told them that as soon as daddy comes home, they can have their own recital for daddy... dresses and all. They were happy about that and are excited that they get to dress up and play their songs for daddy.
It never fails to hit me how much this deployment had affected them and how much it continues to bother them. I continue to run damage control on the kids to try and keep them going to finish out the deployment. I know I only have a few more months to go to get them through this, then it will be a new challenge of reintegration... that is a challenge I welcome.
Today was another day in our usual weekly routine. The girls had piano lessons and Daniel and I sat in on them. It was fun watching the girls play and learn their songs. Emily had lessons a few years ago and had some real promising natural talent. This is a first for Natalie, but she is doing really well herself. They are brave enough that this is only their second lesson and they have decided to be a part of the recital planned for next month. I told them that is great but that they have to be committed enough to practice every day.
I made the comment that I can't believe they will have their first recital in a month and that I will have to film it for daddy. The girls looked at me questioningly and said, "Daddy won't be home by then?" I said no and that made them sad. They know we are getting closer to Ian coming home but it is not soon enough. The girls really did think that Ian might be home to see their recital and were sad that he won't be. I told them that if daddy can, we will Skype with him. If not, we will definitely video it and send it to him. That made them feel a little better, but they still are a little sad. I told them that as soon as daddy comes home, they can have their own recital for daddy... dresses and all. They were happy about that and are excited that they get to dress up and play their songs for daddy.
It never fails to hit me how much this deployment had affected them and how much it continues to bother them. I continue to run damage control on the kids to try and keep them going to finish out the deployment. I know I only have a few more months to go to get them through this, then it will be a new challenge of reintegration... that is a challenge I welcome.
Day 300: <----- Look at that!
04/18/2012
I can't believe it, we have made it to 300 days. I am proud to say that we are making it through well, though I miss Ian desperately. We are just getting so close to Ian's homecoming and I am ready to have our family whole again.
Today was a pretty good day. I was actually able to get the feedback I was wanting from the principal today. She was really nice to be able to carve out some time for me so quickly. She gave me some pointers on a few things that come more with experience and time than anything. She understands I am a new teacher and that I have to get some time under my belt before I can work out the little kinks. She said the lesson was good and that I have the "science" of the lesson down, now I can work on the "art form" of teaching which comes with time. I told her I was really grateful for the time she gave me to teach for her, the time she gave to give me feedback, and most of all the opportunity she has given me this year as a long-term substitute. All of which was very true and I really needed to say it to her.
After that, I had a pretty good rest of the day. The kids and I came home and had a great rest of the afternoon. I was soaring when I talked to Ian and told him about the feedback I got from the principal. Of course his response was, "I told you so! I told you that you would do great." I just told him I know and that just this one time.... he was right. I told him to savor it now, because it doesn't happen much. We both just laugh and joke about things here and there. It was a great end to the day. We both just looked at each other and said...."Day 300, can you believe it?"
Soon, though not soon enough, he will be in my arms safe at home.
I can't believe it, we have made it to 300 days. I am proud to say that we are making it through well, though I miss Ian desperately. We are just getting so close to Ian's homecoming and I am ready to have our family whole again.
Today was a pretty good day. I was actually able to get the feedback I was wanting from the principal today. She was really nice to be able to carve out some time for me so quickly. She gave me some pointers on a few things that come more with experience and time than anything. She understands I am a new teacher and that I have to get some time under my belt before I can work out the little kinks. She said the lesson was good and that I have the "science" of the lesson down, now I can work on the "art form" of teaching which comes with time. I told her I was really grateful for the time she gave me to teach for her, the time she gave to give me feedback, and most of all the opportunity she has given me this year as a long-term substitute. All of which was very true and I really needed to say it to her.
After that, I had a pretty good rest of the day. The kids and I came home and had a great rest of the afternoon. I was soaring when I talked to Ian and told him about the feedback I got from the principal. Of course his response was, "I told you so! I told you that you would do great." I just told him I know and that just this one time.... he was right. I told him to savor it now, because it doesn't happen much. We both just laugh and joke about things here and there. It was a great end to the day. We both just looked at each other and said...."Day 300, can you believe it?"
Soon, though not soon enough, he will be in my arms safe at home.
Day 299: Nerves
04/17/2012
I would have loved for Ian to be here today. He would have been able to calm my nerves and helped me . Today was the day that I taught a lesson for the principal of the school I am working for. I was so nervous I thought I would throw up. I was pretty sure my lesson was ready to go, but really hoping I would be able to present it well. My husband wished me luck last night and encouraged me as much as he could, something I love about him. He let me talk through my lesson with him and told me that I was ready to do the lesson and that I would do great. He has a lot of faith in me and he is very encouraging.
So, this morning, I got up and went to work. I prepared a few last minute things during the conference time right before the lesson. Once the class came it, I was able to get started. The principal was there within a minute of me starting my lesson. It went well, as far as I could tell. The actual teacher was instructed to sit down at her desk and just observe, so I was left to completely control the class. It was helpful after it was over, because she was able to give me some feedback. She told me she thought it went well and that my classroom management was pretty good. The principal herself wasn't able to give me immediate feedback but I will try and ask for it tomorrow.
So, now that it is over, for better or worse, though I am still just as nervous. I really want to hear her feedback so I know what she thought about it and what I can do to improve. Again, it is a night that I really wish Ian were here. I just need him to hold me and help me get to sleep. I know it is a useless thing to wish for, because I can't change the predicament we are in, I can only daydream of the day he comes home when I no longer have to wish for his arms around me. Soon, he will be home, and we will be a whole family again.
I would have loved for Ian to be here today. He would have been able to calm my nerves and helped me . Today was the day that I taught a lesson for the principal of the school I am working for. I was so nervous I thought I would throw up. I was pretty sure my lesson was ready to go, but really hoping I would be able to present it well. My husband wished me luck last night and encouraged me as much as he could, something I love about him. He let me talk through my lesson with him and told me that I was ready to do the lesson and that I would do great. He has a lot of faith in me and he is very encouraging.
So, this morning, I got up and went to work. I prepared a few last minute things during the conference time right before the lesson. Once the class came it, I was able to get started. The principal was there within a minute of me starting my lesson. It went well, as far as I could tell. The actual teacher was instructed to sit down at her desk and just observe, so I was left to completely control the class. It was helpful after it was over, because she was able to give me some feedback. She told me she thought it went well and that my classroom management was pretty good. The principal herself wasn't able to give me immediate feedback but I will try and ask for it tomorrow.
So, now that it is over, for better or worse, though I am still just as nervous. I really want to hear her feedback so I know what she thought about it and what I can do to improve. Again, it is a night that I really wish Ian were here. I just need him to hold me and help me get to sleep. I know it is a useless thing to wish for, because I can't change the predicament we are in, I can only daydream of the day he comes home when I no longer have to wish for his arms around me. Soon, he will be home, and we will be a whole family again.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Day 297: What no one will tell you
04/15/2012
You know, there are some hard parts about deployment that are pretty obvious to just about anyone... The separation, the loneliness, the single parenting, the fear, the worry. One thing that people don't really talk about is how hard it is to have normal marital issues while he is over there: like fighting or simply just being upset at him.
Ian and I don't fight much, we never have. Even during this deployment we argued maybe once and it was taken care of quickly. Well, my husband basically put his foot in his mouth when he said something to me over Skype yesterday, and it really hurt my feelings and upset me. I didn't feel like talking anymore, because that is what I do. I get hurt and then I clam up. Eventually I will talk about it, but for the moment, I am just hurt. He didn't say it to be mean. He just wasn't thinking when he said it. So, I told the kids to talk to him, and I went into another room. Eventually, the kids brought the computer back, but I was still upset and didn't really want to talk. So, Ian and I sat there for a little bit, he apologized, I told him I forgave him and that I still love him, but I wasn't completely over it yet. I was still hurt in the fact that I am overly sensitive about certain topics already, add the deployment, and then his comment made things a hundred times worse. Eventually, we gave up on the conversation because he had to go to bed. He knew I still love him but also knows me well enough to know that I need a few hours to straighten myself back up again. So, we said our "I love you and I miss you"'s to each other, and got off the computer.
Cue the guilt.....
Yup, as soon as I got off that computer, I felt guilty for being upset. I felt guilty for having my feelings hurt. I felt guilty for getting off the computer with him, even though he needed to go to bed. I felt guilty for wasting that time on the computer with him. I was so immensely upset at myself that I just cried. I didn't cry so much because of my hurt feelings, but more so because of the fact that I wasted that precious time with him.
Stupid deployment has taken that away from me too. I can't even have my own darn feelings. Can't even have normal marital "issues" without feeling so much guilt about it that I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't just be upset for an hour about something that hurt my feelings because of where he is at. So, yes, I am bitter at deployment for that. Had Ian actually been home when he said the stupid comment to me I would have been upset, went up to our room, to the kitchen, or out to the yard, and cleaned a bit. Ian would have come out to me about 10 minutes later to apologize and hug me. I would have told him I loved him and that it was okay, but that I still needed some alone time. 30 minutes later, I would have been walking back up to him, putting myself in his arms, and having him just hold me. Then, I would have told him that I am sorry for the way I reacted because I know he didn't mean it and would have explained what hurt me. Then it would be done. We would have moved on and gone about our day.
Not during deployment. Luckily though, my husband called me that night and I was fine by then and I apologized to him for overreacting. It was a rough day because of how bad I felt, but I realized I was so lucky that I got to talk to him again and tell him I was sorry and that it was all forgiven and forgotten.
Home stretch. We are moving right through this deployment, one day at a time.
You know, there are some hard parts about deployment that are pretty obvious to just about anyone... The separation, the loneliness, the single parenting, the fear, the worry. One thing that people don't really talk about is how hard it is to have normal marital issues while he is over there: like fighting or simply just being upset at him.
Ian and I don't fight much, we never have. Even during this deployment we argued maybe once and it was taken care of quickly. Well, my husband basically put his foot in his mouth when he said something to me over Skype yesterday, and it really hurt my feelings and upset me. I didn't feel like talking anymore, because that is what I do. I get hurt and then I clam up. Eventually I will talk about it, but for the moment, I am just hurt. He didn't say it to be mean. He just wasn't thinking when he said it. So, I told the kids to talk to him, and I went into another room. Eventually, the kids brought the computer back, but I was still upset and didn't really want to talk. So, Ian and I sat there for a little bit, he apologized, I told him I forgave him and that I still love him, but I wasn't completely over it yet. I was still hurt in the fact that I am overly sensitive about certain topics already, add the deployment, and then his comment made things a hundred times worse. Eventually, we gave up on the conversation because he had to go to bed. He knew I still love him but also knows me well enough to know that I need a few hours to straighten myself back up again. So, we said our "I love you and I miss you"'s to each other, and got off the computer.
Cue the guilt.....
Yup, as soon as I got off that computer, I felt guilty for being upset. I felt guilty for having my feelings hurt. I felt guilty for getting off the computer with him, even though he needed to go to bed. I felt guilty for wasting that time on the computer with him. I was so immensely upset at myself that I just cried. I didn't cry so much because of my hurt feelings, but more so because of the fact that I wasted that precious time with him.
Stupid deployment has taken that away from me too. I can't even have my own darn feelings. Can't even have normal marital "issues" without feeling so much guilt about it that I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't just be upset for an hour about something that hurt my feelings because of where he is at. So, yes, I am bitter at deployment for that. Had Ian actually been home when he said the stupid comment to me I would have been upset, went up to our room, to the kitchen, or out to the yard, and cleaned a bit. Ian would have come out to me about 10 minutes later to apologize and hug me. I would have told him I loved him and that it was okay, but that I still needed some alone time. 30 minutes later, I would have been walking back up to him, putting myself in his arms, and having him just hold me. Then, I would have told him that I am sorry for the way I reacted because I know he didn't mean it and would have explained what hurt me. Then it would be done. We would have moved on and gone about our day.
Not during deployment. Luckily though, my husband called me that night and I was fine by then and I apologized to him for overreacting. It was a rough day because of how bad I felt, but I realized I was so lucky that I got to talk to him again and tell him I was sorry and that it was all forgiven and forgotten.
Home stretch. We are moving right through this deployment, one day at a time.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Day 295: Done
04/13/2012
It has been an insane week at work for me. Everyday I have come home exhausted from the day's events and just ready to throw in the towel. Parts of me just want to quit and stop teaching for the rest of the year and spend the time getting my stuff together before Ian comes home. Plus, I feel like I need some serious mental health days. I know it isn't possible to stop working for the rest of the year, because if I do, I know I wouldn't have a shot at a job next year. So, I am sticking it out. Today was just another rough day. It was a day where the fact that I don't have a real place at the school smacked me in the face. It is hard because I work between 6 classes, with over 130 students in those classes, where I don't have my own workspace or desk. I move from class to class and work with kids mostly in the hallway. I am not complaining really, I am so grateful to have this job at this school with the amazing teachers I work with. I guess it just wore on me today when I realized how much I wish I had a desk or place to set my stuff that was mine and not in someone's way. Nothing too serious, like I said, it has just been a stressful week all around, and today was just the cherry on top for me. I am just ready to head to bed and have a good restful weekend.
It has been an insane week at work for me. Everyday I have come home exhausted from the day's events and just ready to throw in the towel. Parts of me just want to quit and stop teaching for the rest of the year and spend the time getting my stuff together before Ian comes home. Plus, I feel like I need some serious mental health days. I know it isn't possible to stop working for the rest of the year, because if I do, I know I wouldn't have a shot at a job next year. So, I am sticking it out. Today was just another rough day. It was a day where the fact that I don't have a real place at the school smacked me in the face. It is hard because I work between 6 classes, with over 130 students in those classes, where I don't have my own workspace or desk. I move from class to class and work with kids mostly in the hallway. I am not complaining really, I am so grateful to have this job at this school with the amazing teachers I work with. I guess it just wore on me today when I realized how much I wish I had a desk or place to set my stuff that was mine and not in someone's way. Nothing too serious, like I said, it has just been a stressful week all around, and today was just the cherry on top for me. I am just ready to head to bed and have a good restful weekend.
Day 294: My hobby
04/12/2012
I have been insanely busy the past few days working on a cake for a friend of mine. She welcomes her husband home from Afghanistan tomorrow morning. A mutual friend of ours found the idea for the cake and suggested I do it. It was late notice, but I was happy to be able to make a cake for a hero. I love the fact that I can make a homecoming even better using my talent and hobby in cake making/decorating. I was pretty proud with the way it turned out. If I were to do it again, I would have ways of tweaking it to make it work better, but for my first attempt at a cake like this, it is pretty awesome.
I know our time for reunion is coming soon, and I am anxious for it. Talking to my friend tonight as she did all her last minute preparations for her husband's homecoming, I realized that I have a lot to do between now and then myself. A few things can't be done until right before, but there are some thing that need to be planned that take time... like finding an outfit... that takes multiple shopping trips to find the right one. So, I am going to work on making a list of everything that I need to have ready for the day Ian comes home. That way, I can add to it if I think of something else and mark of things as I get them accomplished. I am beyond happy for my friend with her husband coming home. A part of me thinks that I am dealing a little better with my own deployment (or maybe it is that I see the light at the end of my tunnel) that is making insanely happy for my friend getting her husband back. I know my turn is coming soon, and I can't wait.
I have been insanely busy the past few days working on a cake for a friend of mine. She welcomes her husband home from Afghanistan tomorrow morning. A mutual friend of ours found the idea for the cake and suggested I do it. It was late notice, but I was happy to be able to make a cake for a hero. I love the fact that I can make a homecoming even better using my talent and hobby in cake making/decorating. I was pretty proud with the way it turned out. If I were to do it again, I would have ways of tweaking it to make it work better, but for my first attempt at a cake like this, it is pretty awesome.
I know our time for reunion is coming soon, and I am anxious for it. Talking to my friend tonight as she did all her last minute preparations for her husband's homecoming, I realized that I have a lot to do between now and then myself. A few things can't be done until right before, but there are some thing that need to be planned that take time... like finding an outfit... that takes multiple shopping trips to find the right one. So, I am going to work on making a list of everything that I need to have ready for the day Ian comes home. That way, I can add to it if I think of something else and mark of things as I get them accomplished. I am beyond happy for my friend with her husband coming home. A part of me thinks that I am dealing a little better with my own deployment (or maybe it is that I see the light at the end of my tunnel) that is making insanely happy for my friend getting her husband back. I know my turn is coming soon, and I can't wait.
Day 293: I stand by my promise
04/11/2012
I found this picture online and I immediately loved it. It says what military couples do, but in the simplest terms. My husband swears to protect my freedoms (along with the rest of the nation's freedoms) and I swear to protect his heart. I stand by that promise I made to him the moment he joined the military and the moment I said, "I do." No matter the distance, I swear to protect his heart and hold the love he gives me in the safety of my heart. These feelings did not develop when he deployed, they have always been there from day one. It is just that this deployment has required those feelings to be tested and tried, ensuring that I stay strong in my commitment to him.
I found this picture online and I immediately loved it. It says what military couples do, but in the simplest terms. My husband swears to protect my freedoms (along with the rest of the nation's freedoms) and I swear to protect his heart. I stand by that promise I made to him the moment he joined the military and the moment I said, "I do." No matter the distance, I swear to protect his heart and hold the love he gives me in the safety of my heart. These feelings did not develop when he deployed, they have always been there from day one. It is just that this deployment has required those feelings to be tested and tried, ensuring that I stay strong in my commitment to him.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Day 292: Sarcasm
Sarcasm is something that I have a fun time using. I was perusing through some pictures of some shirts and found this. I thought it was funny enough to share because it is just sarcastic enough for me. Hope you find this fun enough and that it breaks up a mundane Tuesday.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Day 291: Support
I know I have written about this time and again, but I can't tell you enough how much the support of people around you really matters in a deployment. It is the difference between success and just surviving a deployment. Having support from your friends and family is the single most helpful thing you can get from anyone during a deployment. I have had the amazing blessing of a having some awesome friends in my life around here that have been my support system, the type that you really need in close proximity. Then, I have my best friend ever living just 3 hours away from me, which is still close enough to offer any support needed. Lastly, I have the support of people who live all around the country/world. I have so many friends that call me or write me to check on me and to see how the kids are. I have so many prayer warriors who are always in prayer for my husband, my kids, and me. I also have an amazing family. My family support my husband 110% and are almost as proud of him as I am. They are almost as happy that he is coming home soon as I am. They wait with me. They are counting the days down with me. They are planning his homecoming with me. They are here for me, even if they are thousands of miles away.
My oldest brother is someone that I have always looked up to. He was my hero growing up and when he joined the Coast Guard around the time I was about 12, he became a bigger hero in my eyes. I didn't have anyone that I knew in the military. He was a first from my immediate family, and I was a proud little American. I have always been proud to have a Coastie brother. Well, he called me today to see how I was doing and to schedule his trip across country with a stop to visit us here after Ian gets home. It surprised me, yet it didn't, by how excited he was to see Ian again. He is excited to see the kids and me too, but talked numerous times about how he couldn't wait until Ian was home again. He also told me many times that he is proud of his little brother (in-law, but he never adds that part as he truly thinks of him as part of our family) and thinks he is awesome for the things he does. This is from someone who is serving in another branch of the military and has been in longer than Ian. The respect for my husband was awe inspiring and it was quite the compliment to my husband. My oldest brother is not a rarity in my family. As a matter of fact every one of my family members have stated something close to that, if not exactly the same. My siblings, parents, grandparents, and even some cousins have told me (and Ian) that they are proud of him and can't wait until he is home so they can thank him themselves. I always joke that if they are excited about him coming home, can they guess how excited I am. They all laugh and say they can only imagine.
I can't wait until Ian is home. I can't wait until he is in my arms again and we are living as a family should live, under one roof again. I also can't wait because I know that my family will welcome him home like he deserves, like a man who has gone to war and come home.... A true hero.
My oldest brother is someone that I have always looked up to. He was my hero growing up and when he joined the Coast Guard around the time I was about 12, he became a bigger hero in my eyes. I didn't have anyone that I knew in the military. He was a first from my immediate family, and I was a proud little American. I have always been proud to have a Coastie brother. Well, he called me today to see how I was doing and to schedule his trip across country with a stop to visit us here after Ian gets home. It surprised me, yet it didn't, by how excited he was to see Ian again. He is excited to see the kids and me too, but talked numerous times about how he couldn't wait until Ian was home again. He also told me many times that he is proud of his little brother (in-law, but he never adds that part as he truly thinks of him as part of our family) and thinks he is awesome for the things he does. This is from someone who is serving in another branch of the military and has been in longer than Ian. The respect for my husband was awe inspiring and it was quite the compliment to my husband. My oldest brother is not a rarity in my family. As a matter of fact every one of my family members have stated something close to that, if not exactly the same. My siblings, parents, grandparents, and even some cousins have told me (and Ian) that they are proud of him and can't wait until he is home so they can thank him themselves. I always joke that if they are excited about him coming home, can they guess how excited I am. They all laugh and say they can only imagine.
I can't wait until Ian is home. I can't wait until he is in my arms again and we are living as a family should live, under one roof again. I also can't wait because I know that my family will welcome him home like he deserves, like a man who has gone to war and come home.... A true hero.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 290: Happy Easter!
04/08/2012
Today is Easter. We all had a great day, but we really missed Ian's presence here. I have to admit that he gave us quite a treat today. He sent the kids Easter baskets and me a beautiful flower arrangement. He also was able to Skype us for the first time in almost a week. It was a real treat to be able to see his handsome face! The kids had a blast showing him their Easter stuff and their new clothes I bought them.
We went to church and then went over to my friend's house and had dinner and an Easter egg hunt. It was a great time, considering the three families who were there all had deployed husbands. It was nice to be in fellowship with other Christian women and especially to be able to be there for each other in the absence of the husbands.
All in all a great day. We loved having great friends to share the day with, even with Ian's absence. It was a true blessing to be able to see him for the first time in a week on Easter Sunday when the kids were home too. I know this road we are on is a hard one, but it is our road to walk right now. We are all learning so much from this experience. The #1 thing is that I need to rely on God to get me through everything. #2 is that I cannot take a single day/hour/minute with my loved ones for granted, no matter how far away they are. Every day is a blessing.
Today is Easter. We all had a great day, but we really missed Ian's presence here. I have to admit that he gave us quite a treat today. He sent the kids Easter baskets and me a beautiful flower arrangement. He also was able to Skype us for the first time in almost a week. It was a real treat to be able to see his handsome face! The kids had a blast showing him their Easter stuff and their new clothes I bought them.
We went to church and then went over to my friend's house and had dinner and an Easter egg hunt. It was a great time, considering the three families who were there all had deployed husbands. It was nice to be in fellowship with other Christian women and especially to be able to be there for each other in the absence of the husbands.
All in all a great day. We loved having great friends to share the day with, even with Ian's absence. It was a true blessing to be able to see him for the first time in a week on Easter Sunday when the kids were home too. I know this road we are on is a hard one, but it is our road to walk right now. We are all learning so much from this experience. The #1 thing is that I need to rely on God to get me through everything. #2 is that I cannot take a single day/hour/minute with my loved ones for granted, no matter how far away they are. Every day is a blessing.
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| My Easter Flowers |
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| The Cross at the Front of Our Church Today |
Day 289: A Reply About the Lawn Mowing Issue
04/07/2012
I didn't blog about this yesterday but thought I would share an update on the issue I had two weeks ago with my lawn. I got a phone call yesterday from the manager of housing for the post. Thursday night, I sent the ICE comment in about my little experience with the community NCO. I wasn't expecting a response until Monday because Friday was a training holiday, so I was really surprised when I got a call from her. She told me who she was and that she received my comment. She immediately apologized for the incident and told me it was not acceptable with the way I had been treated. She told me that it was being handled by the military side of their house as well as the civilian side. I told her thank you for the apology and that I was most concerned to make sure it didn't happen to another spouse. She told me she agreed and that it won't happen again. I told her thank you for her quick response. She told me if I ever need anything to contact her directly. She was very nice and polite and made me regain a little faith in the on post housing company.
I hate getting people in trouble. It is not my typical style. I usually try to handle it in the quietest way possible, but this situation was one that I couldn't handle quietly. I couldn't just let it go and hope that it didn't happen again. I had to tell someone, because I know a lot of spouses whose husbands are deployed that could very easily be taken advantage of and I don't want to see that happen to anyone else. And who knows who else they have done this to. I guess, I just know how it feels to feel powerless against someone who is abusing their power, and I personally don't like it. I am strong enough to fight back when necessary, but not everyone is.
On that note, I am getting off here to get some sleep. Counting down the days until his feet land on US soil again!
I didn't blog about this yesterday but thought I would share an update on the issue I had two weeks ago with my lawn. I got a phone call yesterday from the manager of housing for the post. Thursday night, I sent the ICE comment in about my little experience with the community NCO. I wasn't expecting a response until Monday because Friday was a training holiday, so I was really surprised when I got a call from her. She told me who she was and that she received my comment. She immediately apologized for the incident and told me it was not acceptable with the way I had been treated. She told me that it was being handled by the military side of their house as well as the civilian side. I told her thank you for the apology and that I was most concerned to make sure it didn't happen to another spouse. She told me she agreed and that it won't happen again. I told her thank you for her quick response. She told me if I ever need anything to contact her directly. She was very nice and polite and made me regain a little faith in the on post housing company.
I hate getting people in trouble. It is not my typical style. I usually try to handle it in the quietest way possible, but this situation was one that I couldn't handle quietly. I couldn't just let it go and hope that it didn't happen again. I had to tell someone, because I know a lot of spouses whose husbands are deployed that could very easily be taken advantage of and I don't want to see that happen to anyone else. And who knows who else they have done this to. I guess, I just know how it feels to feel powerless against someone who is abusing their power, and I personally don't like it. I am strong enough to fight back when necessary, but not everyone is.
On that note, I am getting off here to get some sleep. Counting down the days until his feet land on US soil again!
Day 288: My poor girl
04/06/2012
I got a bit of a reality check today from my oldest daughter. She came into my room this morning and asked me if I thought daddy was okay. I said that of course he was, I would have told her otherwise. Then she told me that she is worried because we haven't heard from him in a long time. That statement made me realize that I hadn't shared with her in a few days that Ian called me at school during my lunch break because he can't call at any other time. I told her that daddy had called me while she was at school and I was on lunch break and that I was sorry that I didn't tell her. She was relieved but also a little sad. She sat there with me and cried a little about the fact that she really misses daddy and really wants to talk to him. So, I told her that the next time daddy calls she can talk to him and that I will try and see if I can get him to call her while she is still up, especially since it is the weekend. That made her feel a little better, but she still cried a little about missing her daddy.
Sure enough, Ian called later that morning and Emily got to talk to him. It was great to see her all lit up as she told him about her week at school and told him funny stories about the kids she hangs out with. I loved listening to the exchange between them and knowing how much she loves him and he loves her. It reminded me that I really need to keep her in the loop and tell her about every time I talk to her daddy, especially when he can't call when she is up or around. I realize that she is old enough to know what a lack of phone calls could mean and that she gets just as worried and scared about Ian's safety as I do.
Each day is a new lesson in this deployment. I learn how to make things better for everyone and try to remember those lessons. Though I knew how smart my daughter was and her concerns, I forgot that I really need to keep her in the look as much as possible.
I got a bit of a reality check today from my oldest daughter. She came into my room this morning and asked me if I thought daddy was okay. I said that of course he was, I would have told her otherwise. Then she told me that she is worried because we haven't heard from him in a long time. That statement made me realize that I hadn't shared with her in a few days that Ian called me at school during my lunch break because he can't call at any other time. I told her that daddy had called me while she was at school and I was on lunch break and that I was sorry that I didn't tell her. She was relieved but also a little sad. She sat there with me and cried a little about the fact that she really misses daddy and really wants to talk to him. So, I told her that the next time daddy calls she can talk to him and that I will try and see if I can get him to call her while she is still up, especially since it is the weekend. That made her feel a little better, but she still cried a little about missing her daddy.
Sure enough, Ian called later that morning and Emily got to talk to him. It was great to see her all lit up as she told him about her week at school and told him funny stories about the kids she hangs out with. I loved listening to the exchange between them and knowing how much she loves him and he loves her. It reminded me that I really need to keep her in the loop and tell her about every time I talk to her daddy, especially when he can't call when she is up or around. I realize that she is old enough to know what a lack of phone calls could mean and that she gets just as worried and scared about Ian's safety as I do.
Each day is a new lesson in this deployment. I learn how to make things better for everyone and try to remember those lessons. Though I knew how smart my daughter was and her concerns, I forgot that I really need to keep her in the look as much as possible.
Day 287: Sure enough
04/05/2012
Sure enough, I came home today and the lawn wasn't mowed. So, I am going to hold housing to the promise that if I get a citation, they will clear it up with the housing NCO for me. I can only do so much to get these people to do their jobs. I have called multiple times, I have written, and I have even stopped by to talk in person.... What else do I have to do? So, I am going to have to wait until Monday to talk to them again about my lawn and see if I get a citation before then.
It seems a bit petty at the moment, but this whole lawn thing is starting to frustrate me. I guess I am mostly frustrated about the fact that they stopped the program on time, but feel that it is okay to start it late. I know it is a nice thing they do for us deployed spouses, and I am truly grateful for it. I just believe that if you say you are going to do it, then do it, and take care of people the right way when you make a promise to.
Okay, enough of a rant from me. Time is starting to tick down and I am so grateful. We are getting closer every day to being reunited. And what a sweet reunion it will be.
Sure enough, I came home today and the lawn wasn't mowed. So, I am going to hold housing to the promise that if I get a citation, they will clear it up with the housing NCO for me. I can only do so much to get these people to do their jobs. I have called multiple times, I have written, and I have even stopped by to talk in person.... What else do I have to do? So, I am going to have to wait until Monday to talk to them again about my lawn and see if I get a citation before then.
It seems a bit petty at the moment, but this whole lawn thing is starting to frustrate me. I guess I am mostly frustrated about the fact that they stopped the program on time, but feel that it is okay to start it late. I know it is a nice thing they do for us deployed spouses, and I am truly grateful for it. I just believe that if you say you are going to do it, then do it, and take care of people the right way when you make a promise to.
Okay, enough of a rant from me. Time is starting to tick down and I am so grateful. We are getting closer every day to being reunited. And what a sweet reunion it will be.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Day 286: We will see
04/04/2012
Well, I came home from work today and the lawn wasn't mowed. The first thing I think is "Great. Now I am going to have to either find a lawnmower to borrow or find someone to pay to do it or I am going to get cited." Then, I decide to go talk to housing again, this time in person, and find out why it wasn't mowed. When I went in, I talked to a gentleman who told me that it should have been done today because the people they have set to do it are not the ones who are taking it over next week. So, he calls the guy who was supposed to do it and asks him if he can mow it. The lawn guy says he will mow it tomorrow. When the housing man tells me that it will be done tomorrow, I tell him of my concern about a citation. He told me that he will note it in our file that our lawn was missed and if I get a citation or warning to tell the person writing it to go talk to housing and they will clear it up. That made me feel a little bit better that they were at least going to ensure any possible citations be taken care of. I still am a little doubtful it will get mowed tomorrow, but I know that I have tried to get it mowed and taken care of per the mowing program. Now, they have to do their job.
Again, I miss my husband. I wish he were here to help me with this kind of stuff. Then again, if he were here I wouldn't have to have my lawn mowed. Ian would do it for me and would be more that able to go rent a lawnmower. It is okay though, we only have a few more months left of this deployment. I know I can make it until then.
Well, I came home from work today and the lawn wasn't mowed. The first thing I think is "Great. Now I am going to have to either find a lawnmower to borrow or find someone to pay to do it or I am going to get cited." Then, I decide to go talk to housing again, this time in person, and find out why it wasn't mowed. When I went in, I talked to a gentleman who told me that it should have been done today because the people they have set to do it are not the ones who are taking it over next week. So, he calls the guy who was supposed to do it and asks him if he can mow it. The lawn guy says he will mow it tomorrow. When the housing man tells me that it will be done tomorrow, I tell him of my concern about a citation. He told me that he will note it in our file that our lawn was missed and if I get a citation or warning to tell the person writing it to go talk to housing and they will clear it up. That made me feel a little bit better that they were at least going to ensure any possible citations be taken care of. I still am a little doubtful it will get mowed tomorrow, but I know that I have tried to get it mowed and taken care of per the mowing program. Now, they have to do their job.
Again, I miss my husband. I wish he were here to help me with this kind of stuff. Then again, if he were here I wouldn't have to have my lawn mowed. Ian would do it for me and would be more that able to go rent a lawnmower. It is okay though, we only have a few more months left of this deployment. I know I can make it until then.
Day 285: This is getting old
04/03/2012
I wish my housing company would just get their stuff straight already. They are about to drive me crazy. I am signed up for the deployed spouses mowing program. This means that from April through the end of September my lawn will be mowed by housing. It is a great program and I am so grateful that I have it. Well, I called today to make sure that I was still on the list and to verify that it would start tomorrow. The woman at the housing office told me that it would start tomorrow and that I am on the list to be mowed. I told her that was great and that my lawn needed it right about now. I also asked her about getting someone to look at my tree a bit and see if it can be trimmed down and she said she would send someone out to look at it soon. Well, that soon turned out to be a few hours later. So the gentleman showed up to look at the tree and the stated that he knows my house is on the mowing program and told me how to ready my lawn for them to come next week. I looked at him confused and told him that I was told it would be done tomorrow. He told me that he was in charge of it and that it is scheduled for NEXT week. I was a little frustrated about that but knew that telling him was useless and that he couldn't change it. So, tomorrow during my lunch time I am going to call housing and ask about the program and see if my lawn gets done.
For tonight, I am going to go to bed looking at a picture of my love and hopefully having a sweet dream of being in his arms again.
I wish my housing company would just get their stuff straight already. They are about to drive me crazy. I am signed up for the deployed spouses mowing program. This means that from April through the end of September my lawn will be mowed by housing. It is a great program and I am so grateful that I have it. Well, I called today to make sure that I was still on the list and to verify that it would start tomorrow. The woman at the housing office told me that it would start tomorrow and that I am on the list to be mowed. I told her that was great and that my lawn needed it right about now. I also asked her about getting someone to look at my tree a bit and see if it can be trimmed down and she said she would send someone out to look at it soon. Well, that soon turned out to be a few hours later. So the gentleman showed up to look at the tree and the stated that he knows my house is on the mowing program and told me how to ready my lawn for them to come next week. I looked at him confused and told him that I was told it would be done tomorrow. He told me that he was in charge of it and that it is scheduled for NEXT week. I was a little frustrated about that but knew that telling him was useless and that he couldn't change it. So, tomorrow during my lunch time I am going to call housing and ask about the program and see if my lawn gets done.
For tonight, I am going to go to bed looking at a picture of my love and hopefully having a sweet dream of being in his arms again.
Day 284: Funny
04/02/2012
Since it is Monday and it has been a typical one at that, here is my funny of the day.
Since it is Monday and it has been a typical one at that, here is my funny of the day.
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| Yup, my man is HOT! |
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 283: Back to house work
04/01/2012
I wanted to leave my best friend's house early in the day, so I could get home early and have some time to get some stuff done. Well, that didn't happen. I left her house around 12:30pm and got home around 4pm. So, I didn't get as much done as I wanted to when we got home, but hopefully I can get caught up this week. I was so tired when I got home, that even though I had a few hours to get some stuff done, the kids and I were so tired, we just hung out, watched TV, and we are heading to bed early.
It was a great weekend with my best friend and her family. We loved spending the time together and our families get along so well. I was even able to talk to my husband, even though he tried to call me on Skype at 7am and I was so deep in sleep that I didn't hear my phone ring. I was able to talk to him later that morning, but he was not able to talk long. I took what I could get and ate up every word he said to me. I wish he were here to help me drive on trips like this and to help me with the recovery and would help me get to bed at a descent hour. Even though I am so exhausted, it is 10pm and I am just now able to get to bed, Ian would have "forced" me there by now with a playful threat. Hopefully, I can battle through the exhaustion tomorrow at work.
We are making our way through the deployment one day at a time. It is starting to move a little faster for me and I feel like I am treading water.
I wanted to leave my best friend's house early in the day, so I could get home early and have some time to get some stuff done. Well, that didn't happen. I left her house around 12:30pm and got home around 4pm. So, I didn't get as much done as I wanted to when we got home, but hopefully I can get caught up this week. I was so tired when I got home, that even though I had a few hours to get some stuff done, the kids and I were so tired, we just hung out, watched TV, and we are heading to bed early.
It was a great weekend with my best friend and her family. We loved spending the time together and our families get along so well. I was even able to talk to my husband, even though he tried to call me on Skype at 7am and I was so deep in sleep that I didn't hear my phone ring. I was able to talk to him later that morning, but he was not able to talk long. I took what I could get and ate up every word he said to me. I wish he were here to help me drive on trips like this and to help me with the recovery and would help me get to bed at a descent hour. Even though I am so exhausted, it is 10pm and I am just now able to get to bed, Ian would have "forced" me there by now with a playful threat. Hopefully, I can battle through the exhaustion tomorrow at work.
We are making our way through the deployment one day at a time. It is starting to move a little faster for me and I feel like I am treading water.
Day 282: Cake making deadline
03/31/2012
Well, I was right. My best friend and I stayed up until 2am shopping for cake supplies and talking. So, I didn't get much sleep last night, and got up by 7:30am and got started on the cake at 8am. It was a long morning and early afternoon, but it was fun working side by side with my best friend. She is the chef, I am the baker in our friendship. While she was cooking, I was baking. She helped me every once in a while when she could, and helped me with the design a little bit. I ended up finishing it around 2pm and was pretty happy with the way it turned out. Her son really loved it and I was happy to make his party even better for him.
Bonus was that I was able to talk to Ian over Skype. The kids got to talk to him too, and my best friend's kids talked to him too. It was pretty fun for all involved. I loved that I could watch all the kids talk to and entertain Ian, and I got to talk to Ian as I was making my cake.
After the party, which was a lot of fun, we just hung out together and the kids loved playing with each other. Raquel and I are planning on going to the movies tonight, so it will probably be another late night, but who cares. It is our friend time. For now, I am going to sign off and head to the movies. I love movie night with my best friend. They are always fun.
Well, I was right. My best friend and I stayed up until 2am shopping for cake supplies and talking. So, I didn't get much sleep last night, and got up by 7:30am and got started on the cake at 8am. It was a long morning and early afternoon, but it was fun working side by side with my best friend. She is the chef, I am the baker in our friendship. While she was cooking, I was baking. She helped me every once in a while when she could, and helped me with the design a little bit. I ended up finishing it around 2pm and was pretty happy with the way it turned out. Her son really loved it and I was happy to make his party even better for him.
Bonus was that I was able to talk to Ian over Skype. The kids got to talk to him too, and my best friend's kids talked to him too. It was pretty fun for all involved. I loved that I could watch all the kids talk to and entertain Ian, and I got to talk to Ian as I was making my cake.
After the party, which was a lot of fun, we just hung out together and the kids loved playing with each other. Raquel and I are planning on going to the movies tonight, so it will probably be another late night, but who cares. It is our friend time. For now, I am going to sign off and head to the movies. I love movie night with my best friend. They are always fun.
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| The Lego Cake I Made For My Best Friend's Son |
Day 281: Last minute change of plans
03/30/2012
Today I was supposed to go to a friend's house for dinner and to start working on a two cakes with her, one for her and one for me. After that I was supposed to come home, go to bed, and get up early tomorrow to drive 3 hours to my best friend's house to finish the cake for her son's 10th birthday party. Well, that was plan was cancelled because it wasn't able to be worked out for her. So, at the last minute, I decided to head down to my best friend's house. I hadn't packed yet, so it took me a while to get out the door. By the time I got the kids and dogs out the door, it was 7pm. I didn't get to her house tonight until 10pm. So, it has been quite the long night. It has been great seeing my best friend again, and our kids are ecstatic to see each other and it has taken us a while to get them to calm down enough to go to bed, despite the fact that it is almost 11 at night and they are all exhausted. I don't have much time to start the cake tonight, so I can only hope that I can get up early enough to do the cake from start to finish by the 3 o'clock party time. The only problem is that my best friend and I are well-known for staying up late, talking. Hopefully we can get some sleep tonight.
Today I was supposed to go to a friend's house for dinner and to start working on a two cakes with her, one for her and one for me. After that I was supposed to come home, go to bed, and get up early tomorrow to drive 3 hours to my best friend's house to finish the cake for her son's 10th birthday party. Well, that was plan was cancelled because it wasn't able to be worked out for her. So, at the last minute, I decided to head down to my best friend's house. I hadn't packed yet, so it took me a while to get out the door. By the time I got the kids and dogs out the door, it was 7pm. I didn't get to her house tonight until 10pm. So, it has been quite the long night. It has been great seeing my best friend again, and our kids are ecstatic to see each other and it has taken us a while to get them to calm down enough to go to bed, despite the fact that it is almost 11 at night and they are all exhausted. I don't have much time to start the cake tonight, so I can only hope that I can get up early enough to do the cake from start to finish by the 3 o'clock party time. The only problem is that my best friend and I are well-known for staying up late, talking. Hopefully we can get some sleep tonight.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Day 280: A Friend's Deployment
03/29/2012
The deployment ceremony was faster than my own. I reacted in a way that I wasn't expecting. We were waiting in the gym for the soldiers to come in and when the first one came in, I got a little choked up. I saw a soldier wearing the same uniform, walking in the same gym, carrying the same kind of weapon, and carrying the same pack as my husband was on Day 1. I was taken back to the day that my husband left and got a little teary. I was able to reign it in and compose myself quickly... It wasn't about me tonight (or, rather, this morning). So, I pick up my camera and take pictures of my friend's kids, her, and her husband. Once they have to say their final "see-you-later" I watch the kids and end up taking some pictures. Once they marched out, I helped usher the kids out and we watched the soldiers pull out on the buses. After that, I drove them home and then took myself home.
I spent most of the day in bed or relaxing on the couch until I had to pick up the kids at school. I got to talk to my husband today and told him all about my day. It made my day to be able to talk to him and he was happy that I was able to get some rest, though I still needed to get some more sleep. Five hours didn't seem to be enough. Ian asked me to go ahead and get some sleep and to enjoy going back to work tomorrow. I sarcastically said, "Woohoo," told him I loved him and told him I would talk to him the next chance he got.
Now, it is time for me to go to bed and get some good rest. We are making it through this deployment, one day at a time. Now, though, I am making it through it with my friends. Together, we are going to take our deployments one day at a time.
The deployment ceremony was faster than my own. I reacted in a way that I wasn't expecting. We were waiting in the gym for the soldiers to come in and when the first one came in, I got a little choked up. I saw a soldier wearing the same uniform, walking in the same gym, carrying the same kind of weapon, and carrying the same pack as my husband was on Day 1. I was taken back to the day that my husband left and got a little teary. I was able to reign it in and compose myself quickly... It wasn't about me tonight (or, rather, this morning). So, I pick up my camera and take pictures of my friend's kids, her, and her husband. Once they have to say their final "see-you-later" I watch the kids and end up taking some pictures. Once they marched out, I helped usher the kids out and we watched the soldiers pull out on the buses. After that, I drove them home and then took myself home.
I spent most of the day in bed or relaxing on the couch until I had to pick up the kids at school. I got to talk to my husband today and told him all about my day. It made my day to be able to talk to him and he was happy that I was able to get some rest, though I still needed to get some more sleep. Five hours didn't seem to be enough. Ian asked me to go ahead and get some sleep and to enjoy going back to work tomorrow. I sarcastically said, "Woohoo," told him I loved him and told him I would talk to him the next chance he got.
Now, it is time for me to go to bed and get some good rest. We are making it through this deployment, one day at a time. Now, though, I am making it through it with my friends. Together, we are going to take our deployments one day at a time.
Day 279: Helping as best I can
03/28/2012
Today did not go as expected. I ended up not being able to be there for one of my friends that I wanted to. She was okay with doing the "see-you-later" on her own, privately with her family. I wanted to be there to make her dinner, but it was important that they kept their routine up. So, I had another day of hanging out and getting some stuff at the store. I also took the time to get a pedicure for the first time in months. I Then had a peaceful lunch by myself and then grabbed the kids.
My other friend is saying "see-you-later" to her husband at 3am tomorrow morning. I want to be there for her so I can drive for her if necessary and maybe take pictures if she wants. The only problem I have is that I had no one to watch the kids at night and I don't want to bring them with me. Luckily for me, my neighbor is keeping my kids for me so I can be with my friend and her family.
I am sure it will be a little rough for me, but no where near as rough as it will be for my friend and her family. I have not been able to get any rest today, but I know I will still be able to deal with it all. I have sent my kids over to my neighbor's house and will be heading out shortly. I just finished talking to my husband and he told me to wish them the best, tell the soldier to stay safe, and that we were going to be there for the family as much as they need us, especially when he comes home. I smile at that thought, because Ian and I really want to repay all my friends for their help during Ian's deployment. We know we will be there for them all as much and for as long as necessary.
Today did not go as expected. I ended up not being able to be there for one of my friends that I wanted to. She was okay with doing the "see-you-later" on her own, privately with her family. I wanted to be there to make her dinner, but it was important that they kept their routine up. So, I had another day of hanging out and getting some stuff at the store. I also took the time to get a pedicure for the first time in months. I Then had a peaceful lunch by myself and then grabbed the kids.
My other friend is saying "see-you-later" to her husband at 3am tomorrow morning. I want to be there for her so I can drive for her if necessary and maybe take pictures if she wants. The only problem I have is that I had no one to watch the kids at night and I don't want to bring them with me. Luckily for me, my neighbor is keeping my kids for me so I can be with my friend and her family.
I am sure it will be a little rough for me, but no where near as rough as it will be for my friend and her family. I have not been able to get any rest today, but I know I will still be able to deal with it all. I have sent my kids over to my neighbor's house and will be heading out shortly. I just finished talking to my husband and he told me to wish them the best, tell the soldier to stay safe, and that we were going to be there for the family as much as they need us, especially when he comes home. I smile at that thought, because Ian and I really want to repay all my friends for their help during Ian's deployment. We know we will be there for them all as much and for as long as necessary.
Day 278: My day of relaxation
03/27/2012
Today was my day of relaxing just a little bit after my parents left. I used the day to work on the house a little and run some errands. It was a good day for me, though I know that tomorrow will be a long day. I have a few friends whose husbands are deploying. I am determined to be there for them, just as though my best friend was here for me. So, this will be short, as I am going to try and get some sleep while I can.
Today was my day of relaxing just a little bit after my parents left. I used the day to work on the house a little and run some errands. It was a good day for me, though I know that tomorrow will be a long day. I have a few friends whose husbands are deploying. I am determined to be there for them, just as though my best friend was here for me. So, this will be short, as I am going to try and get some sleep while I can.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Day 277: Motherly advice
Raising girls to become young ladies is tough. Doing it without your husband and away from your family is even tougher. I have realized that I really need to start dealing with the "coming of age" stuff with my oldest daughter and have really been dreading it. So, with my mom and step-dad here, I took the opportunity to leave the kids with my step-dad and go to the store with my mom. We got Easter basket stuff and were able just to talk about a lot of things. I needed her advice and for some reason talking over the phone wasn't good enough. So we talked about the girl stuff and how to talk to my daughters. I also asked her advice about how I am doing as a mom myself. I just don't know if I am doing a good enough job sometimes. I also wonder if I am a little to strict and over protective. It was nice to hear my mom tell me that she thought I was doing a great job with my kids. She told me that they are telling her of the great times and the discipline they get from me, both done well according to my mom. She told me that the past two nights with them have been really fun and that they are well-behaved children.
As far as the over protective thing, she told me that I was overprotective in the right ways. I shield them from bad movies and TV shows. I monitor what they do on the computer and watch them as they play outside. The nature of our culture now is hard to deal with as a parent. Kids are exposed to a lot more than I was at their age, and they are still just kids. I don't care what generation they are growing up in, they are kids who don't need to see blood and guts and sex. They need to be shielded, and my mom thought I was doing well at that too.
This deployment has made me very self-conscious as a parent because I am the only one to discipline the kids everyday. I am the only one that sees them everyday and sees how they react and behave. I don't have anyone to hand over the discipline to and ask for help. I can ask for advice, but it is hard when those people are so far away. Hearing my mom tell me that my kids are great made me feel a little better. My mom is not one to sugar coat things. If my kids were terrible and misbehaving, she would be the first one to tell me so and would tell me to get it figured out. She wouldn't tell me that my kids are good kids unless it is true. I know I can trust her judgement because she is invested in my kids and spends time with them (over the phone, Skype, and in person). She wants them to grow up to be good citizens just as much as I do.
My husband will be home soon, and then I can bounce discipline a little easier off of him. I can lean on him for support too. Soon, but not soon enough.
As far as the over protective thing, she told me that I was overprotective in the right ways. I shield them from bad movies and TV shows. I monitor what they do on the computer and watch them as they play outside. The nature of our culture now is hard to deal with as a parent. Kids are exposed to a lot more than I was at their age, and they are still just kids. I don't care what generation they are growing up in, they are kids who don't need to see blood and guts and sex. They need to be shielded, and my mom thought I was doing well at that too.
This deployment has made me very self-conscious as a parent because I am the only one to discipline the kids everyday. I am the only one that sees them everyday and sees how they react and behave. I don't have anyone to hand over the discipline to and ask for help. I can ask for advice, but it is hard when those people are so far away. Hearing my mom tell me that my kids are great made me feel a little better. My mom is not one to sugar coat things. If my kids were terrible and misbehaving, she would be the first one to tell me so and would tell me to get it figured out. She wouldn't tell me that my kids are good kids unless it is true. I know I can trust her judgement because she is invested in my kids and spends time with them (over the phone, Skype, and in person). She wants them to grow up to be good citizens just as much as I do.
My husband will be home soon, and then I can bounce discipline a little easier off of him. I can lean on him for support too. Soon, but not soon enough.
Day 276: Without Ian at home
Today was a great day with my parents. I went and picked them up and came back here. My step-dad was awesome enough to help me out by changing my oil and helping me replace some light bulbs. After that we went back to the hotel and swimming in the indoor pool. While I was sitting in the hot tub, I got to catch up with my mom and talked about anything we could think of. It was a great time. The kids really had a blast with my parents and loved slashing around in front of them. Then we came back home and had dinner.
While my mom and I were preparing dinner, I asked her a question that I had been curious about. I asked her if it seemed weird for her to not have Ian here with me. I mostly wondered if it felt foreign to anyone else, anyone outside my daily life. I wondered if it would feel foreign to her even though she knew he was deployed long before she got here. She said it actually did. It was weird not having Ian here because when she pictured my home, Ian was in that picture.
I know what she means. Ian and I just had that conversation a few days ago. We exclaimed that we couldn't believe we moved here a year ago come next month. He asked if it felt like home to me. I told him no, that it didn't feel like home yet. It still feels like some foreign place that I am just a visitor in. He then told me that when he pictures home, he pictures the kids and me right here. He doesn't picture our last home or our hometown, he pictures us here. That made me feel good because at least when he gets back, he will feel like he is home and hopefully that will make him happy. He asked me why I felt like this wasn't home. The best I could say was that it was because he wasn't here. It just isn't home without him. I have set up a whole life here without him because we had only gotten here 2 months before he deployed. Now, I am just waiting for him to come back to help make it a home. I think once he is home it will feel more complete than it does now and I will finally be able to accept that this is home.
While my mom and I were preparing dinner, I asked her a question that I had been curious about. I asked her if it seemed weird for her to not have Ian here with me. I mostly wondered if it felt foreign to anyone else, anyone outside my daily life. I wondered if it would feel foreign to her even though she knew he was deployed long before she got here. She said it actually did. It was weird not having Ian here because when she pictured my home, Ian was in that picture.
I know what she means. Ian and I just had that conversation a few days ago. We exclaimed that we couldn't believe we moved here a year ago come next month. He asked if it felt like home to me. I told him no, that it didn't feel like home yet. It still feels like some foreign place that I am just a visitor in. He then told me that when he pictures home, he pictures the kids and me right here. He doesn't picture our last home or our hometown, he pictures us here. That made me feel good because at least when he gets back, he will feel like he is home and hopefully that will make him happy. He asked me why I felt like this wasn't home. The best I could say was that it was because he wasn't here. It just isn't home without him. I have set up a whole life here without him because we had only gotten here 2 months before he deployed. Now, I am just waiting for him to come back to help make it a home. I think once he is home it will feel more complete than it does now and I will finally be able to accept that this is home.
Day 275: Visitation and relaxation
03/24/2012
Today has been a great but busy day. This morning I went to the reintegration training in preparation for Ian coming home. I was able to get the girls to their camp this morning before going to the training, so the only one I had to have with me was Daniel. I was really surprised, he did really well. He behaved the whole time and kept himself entertained with the various things I brought for him. At the end of the training, he knew he would start talking to the various soldiers and proceeded to entertain them with his usual antics. It was fun to watch and listen to and the soldier thought it was funny.
After the training, I came home and Daniel and I worked on some of the house and got bags packed for him and the girls to stay the night with their grandpa and grandma. Then we went and picked up the girls and drove to meet my parents halfway between the airport and us for dinner. It was a great little reunion and the kids had a blast. Once we got back on the road, the kids rode with my parents and I drove back by myself. We got to the hotel and the kids were excited to be able to hang out. I left them a little while later and went to the movies with a friend. It was fun and relaxing. It was the first night away from the kids in mover a month and it was much needed. So, here I am, settling into bed, it is quiet and I am alone in the house. I am going to get up in the morning and head back out to the hotel to spend the day with my parents. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with my mom.
We are getting closer everyday to seeing my husband again. It is great to see that time really is passing and we are almost there.
Today has been a great but busy day. This morning I went to the reintegration training in preparation for Ian coming home. I was able to get the girls to their camp this morning before going to the training, so the only one I had to have with me was Daniel. I was really surprised, he did really well. He behaved the whole time and kept himself entertained with the various things I brought for him. At the end of the training, he knew he would start talking to the various soldiers and proceeded to entertain them with his usual antics. It was fun to watch and listen to and the soldier thought it was funny.
After the training, I came home and Daniel and I worked on some of the house and got bags packed for him and the girls to stay the night with their grandpa and grandma. Then we went and picked up the girls and drove to meet my parents halfway between the airport and us for dinner. It was a great little reunion and the kids had a blast. Once we got back on the road, the kids rode with my parents and I drove back by myself. We got to the hotel and the kids were excited to be able to hang out. I left them a little while later and went to the movies with a friend. It was fun and relaxing. It was the first night away from the kids in mover a month and it was much needed. So, here I am, settling into bed, it is quiet and I am alone in the house. I am going to get up in the morning and head back out to the hotel to spend the day with my parents. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with my mom.
We are getting closer everyday to seeing my husband again. It is great to see that time really is passing and we are almost there.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Day 274: They aren't all home yet!
03/23/2012
At the post I live at, a lot of soldiers stationed here came home from Iraq and those who didn't come home from Iraq are in Kuwait. What is bothering me is that everyone is acting like all of our soldiers are home. Well, they aren't. There are still a lot of soldiers in harms way, deployed to Afghanistan and some still in Kuwait away from their loved ones. There are still families without their soldiers and children missing their daddies/mommies. Support is still needed. I was happy to see that my children's schools are not cutting back their Club USA, a club for kids of deployed soldiers where they can talk about what is going on and get some coping techniques. They know that the need is less, but still there. Instead, to accommodate those kids whose parents just got back, they are starting up a reintegration part of the club. There they can talk about the stresses of having a parent come back from war versus having a parent currently in the war. I think it is a great thing.
It just bothers me when people look at me and ask why my husband is still gone. I tell them, as nicely as I can muster, that he is still deployed in Afghanistan. I tell them that not all the soldiers came home, that there are still soldiers deployed. I even inform them that not even all the soldiers who were in Iraq came home, some are still in Kuwait to finish their year-long tour. So, no, not everyone is home. Those who are still over there need our support, and those who are home need it too. I feel like we are starting to forget, we as a nation are starting to forget those who are over there, those who are home, those who served and are now civilians, those who were wounded, and most of all, those we lost in battle. Should we ever forget our military and those who laid down their lives for our freedoms, we will no longer be a free nation worth living in. So, tonight, whether you are associated with the military or not, remember all those who came before us, and those we currently have serving, as well as those who are to follow us. Remember their sacrifice, remember that they put their country before themselves. Support our troops currently over there, because your support helps them get through hell.
On the bright side, my mom and step-dad are coming to visit tomorrow and I am so excited. It has been almost a year and a half since we have seen them, and I have really missed them.
At the post I live at, a lot of soldiers stationed here came home from Iraq and those who didn't come home from Iraq are in Kuwait. What is bothering me is that everyone is acting like all of our soldiers are home. Well, they aren't. There are still a lot of soldiers in harms way, deployed to Afghanistan and some still in Kuwait away from their loved ones. There are still families without their soldiers and children missing their daddies/mommies. Support is still needed. I was happy to see that my children's schools are not cutting back their Club USA, a club for kids of deployed soldiers where they can talk about what is going on and get some coping techniques. They know that the need is less, but still there. Instead, to accommodate those kids whose parents just got back, they are starting up a reintegration part of the club. There they can talk about the stresses of having a parent come back from war versus having a parent currently in the war. I think it is a great thing.
It just bothers me when people look at me and ask why my husband is still gone. I tell them, as nicely as I can muster, that he is still deployed in Afghanistan. I tell them that not all the soldiers came home, that there are still soldiers deployed. I even inform them that not even all the soldiers who were in Iraq came home, some are still in Kuwait to finish their year-long tour. So, no, not everyone is home. Those who are still over there need our support, and those who are home need it too. I feel like we are starting to forget, we as a nation are starting to forget those who are over there, those who are home, those who served and are now civilians, those who were wounded, and most of all, those we lost in battle. Should we ever forget our military and those who laid down their lives for our freedoms, we will no longer be a free nation worth living in. So, tonight, whether you are associated with the military or not, remember all those who came before us, and those we currently have serving, as well as those who are to follow us. Remember their sacrifice, remember that they put their country before themselves. Support our troops currently over there, because your support helps them get through hell.
On the bright side, my mom and step-dad are coming to visit tomorrow and I am so excited. It has been almost a year and a half since we have seen them, and I have really missed them.
Day 273: Trapped
03/22/2012
Today was a rough day at work, the only bright spot in my day being a phone call from a camp director telling me that my girls can be dropped off early so I can make the reintegration training that is supposed to start at the same time. It was awesome because if I couldn't drop them off an hour early, they would not have been able to go. So, that was about it for the good portions of my day.
My day at work was hard and was overall a difficult day. When I came home, my day got a lot worse. I came home to find a warning on my door telling me that I needed to have my lawn mowed and weeded by 3pm tomorrow. If I did not have my lawn mowed by 3pm, I was going to get a citation AND a $45 force cut fine. So, I called the number on it to talk to the person who issued the citation. I told her that my husband was deployed, I don't own a lawn mower, and I work full-time as a teacher on post. I told her that I don't have enough time to get to the self-help store to borrow a lawn mower and asked her nicely if I could have a 1 day extension. She told me no, but said she had a soldier right there that could do it for me for $20 to avoid a citation, and handed him the phone. I felt so trapped! I had no choice but to say yes and pay him. I was so upset that they wouldn't even give me a day to get to the weekend so I could actually do it. Then saw he was a Sergeant and brought our 2 lower ranking soldiers to help him. It all just sat wrong with me. Then, before he left, he asked me not to say anything about this to the Sergeant First Class that was over him. Which told me that what he was doing was shady. So, yeah, I was so mad and upset that I had been treated like this and had not been given a chance, especially given the fact that my husband is deployed. I don't expect special treatment in the way that I feel like I should be above the rules, but it would be nice to have some leeway in the area of extra time to get me to a weekend.
So, yeah, it was just a bad ending to a bad day. I can't wait until they start back up the mowing program for deployed spouses. It helps a lot. Luckily it starts next week! Yay!
Today was a rough day at work, the only bright spot in my day being a phone call from a camp director telling me that my girls can be dropped off early so I can make the reintegration training that is supposed to start at the same time. It was awesome because if I couldn't drop them off an hour early, they would not have been able to go. So, that was about it for the good portions of my day.
My day at work was hard and was overall a difficult day. When I came home, my day got a lot worse. I came home to find a warning on my door telling me that I needed to have my lawn mowed and weeded by 3pm tomorrow. If I did not have my lawn mowed by 3pm, I was going to get a citation AND a $45 force cut fine. So, I called the number on it to talk to the person who issued the citation. I told her that my husband was deployed, I don't own a lawn mower, and I work full-time as a teacher on post. I told her that I don't have enough time to get to the self-help store to borrow a lawn mower and asked her nicely if I could have a 1 day extension. She told me no, but said she had a soldier right there that could do it for me for $20 to avoid a citation, and handed him the phone. I felt so trapped! I had no choice but to say yes and pay him. I was so upset that they wouldn't even give me a day to get to the weekend so I could actually do it. Then saw he was a Sergeant and brought our 2 lower ranking soldiers to help him. It all just sat wrong with me. Then, before he left, he asked me not to say anything about this to the Sergeant First Class that was over him. Which told me that what he was doing was shady. So, yeah, I was so mad and upset that I had been treated like this and had not been given a chance, especially given the fact that my husband is deployed. I don't expect special treatment in the way that I feel like I should be above the rules, but it would be nice to have some leeway in the area of extra time to get me to a weekend.
So, yeah, it was just a bad ending to a bad day. I can't wait until they start back up the mowing program for deployed spouses. It helps a lot. Luckily it starts next week! Yay!
Day 272: Emotional roller coaster
It is with a heavy heart that I learned today that a brave American soldier lost his 11 month battle against a sniper's shot to the neck. I have mentioned him in this blog before and I have been following his story for a while. I way really praying for him and his family, hoping he would continue his fight and pull through it all. He was the one I cried over a few days ago, but was told he was okay... and he was at the time, but his body was starting to slowly shut down. I was so relieved when I was told that he was okay, and then when I heard this today, I was again brought to tears. I know he is not feeling any pain now, but I am still sad for his family to have lost their hero. His wife and children, parents and friends, all lost an amazingly strong man though they will never forget him.
His wife has kept a Facebook page devoted to garnering support and prayers for her husband during his recovery. Her strength has amazed me since the first day I started reading their updates. I don't know if she will ever know the impact she had on so many. By sharing her story with so many of us, it has taught us to continue to be ever faithful no matter the situation, and to always be happy with what you have. She said today that she is trying not to be sad for what she doesn't have, but instead is happy that her husband made it home from the war and that they all got to spend this last 11 months, though hard, with him. It was a gift that she wouldn't have traded for anything. She knows we all have a path to lead, and she is leading it the best she can, with God's help. Now, she has another angel, strong and brave, to watch over her.
Rest in Peace SGT Jamie Jarboe. You are greatly missed and will never be forgotten. You are a true American hero, and you family will be well looked after by a grateful nation.
His wife has kept a Facebook page devoted to garnering support and prayers for her husband during his recovery. Her strength has amazed me since the first day I started reading their updates. I don't know if she will ever know the impact she had on so many. By sharing her story with so many of us, it has taught us to continue to be ever faithful no matter the situation, and to always be happy with what you have. She said today that she is trying not to be sad for what she doesn't have, but instead is happy that her husband made it home from the war and that they all got to spend this last 11 months, though hard, with him. It was a gift that she wouldn't have traded for anything. She knows we all have a path to lead, and she is leading it the best she can, with God's help. Now, she has another angel, strong and brave, to watch over her.
Rest in Peace SGT Jamie Jarboe. You are greatly missed and will never be forgotten. You are a true American hero, and you family will be well looked after by a grateful nation.
Day 271: Funny but true
03/20/2012
Thought I would share this. It is titled the second week of deployment. It is OH SO TRUE! Enjoy.
Thought I would share this. It is titled the second week of deployment. It is OH SO TRUE! Enjoy.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Day 270: Back in the Groove
Today was the first day back from spring break. It was both good to be back, and yet the week-long break did not seem like enough. During that break I had also gotten used to talking to my husband at any time of the day and he wasn't having to worry about waking up early in order to talk to us. It was great in that way. I was also able to run a lot of the errands I needed to, though with my kids, and it made me realize just how much time I spend at work and how much I can get done during the day without worrying about doing it after school. I was also able to get to the doctors for a checkup and for refills on my medications. Basically, I got a lot done.
Being at work today, I can't help but realize that there are a ton of things I need to do, but can't do it until after work. As I am typing right now, we are having a massive storm. It started around 8pm (though the news predicted it would start around 6pm), and is supposed to pack quite a punch. So, to get ready for it, I decided to go and get a few things right after school and before it hit. I needed to get rain boots for the kids and me so we could have them for tomorrow at school. I also needed to get a few things for a box that I need to send out to Ian and something to stake down the trampoline, just in case. I made a lot of stops trying to find everything I needed. By the time I got home, it was around 7 and just starting to sprinkle. by the time I got the kids to bed, the storm was just starting to come it. I still had to stake down the trampoline, and ended up doing it in the rain. Once that was done, I came inside and listened to the rain. It really was a bad storm. One lightning strike hit so close that the flash and boom hit at the same time and actually shook my sliding glass door.
It is another one of those nights where I miss my husband. I am terrified that we will end up getting a tornado, the warning siren will come over the speakers, and I will not wake up to hear it. I am not a really heavy sleeper, and yet, I am. I think I will probably wake up to that, but am not completely sure of it. Ian, on the other hand, can wake up to anything. I know he will catch whatever I miss and I know he will wake me up if the need arises.
So, I am going to bed tonight, knowing I won't sleep well because of the storm and because I am worried that I won't wake up if needed if I fall into a deep sleep. This falls into the category of Ian and me being a great pair and especially the part where he steps in and helps in the areas that I am weak in, and vice versa. Not long now until my husband is home and we are back to complimenting the weak areas for each other.
Being at work today, I can't help but realize that there are a ton of things I need to do, but can't do it until after work. As I am typing right now, we are having a massive storm. It started around 8pm (though the news predicted it would start around 6pm), and is supposed to pack quite a punch. So, to get ready for it, I decided to go and get a few things right after school and before it hit. I needed to get rain boots for the kids and me so we could have them for tomorrow at school. I also needed to get a few things for a box that I need to send out to Ian and something to stake down the trampoline, just in case. I made a lot of stops trying to find everything I needed. By the time I got home, it was around 7 and just starting to sprinkle. by the time I got the kids to bed, the storm was just starting to come it. I still had to stake down the trampoline, and ended up doing it in the rain. Once that was done, I came inside and listened to the rain. It really was a bad storm. One lightning strike hit so close that the flash and boom hit at the same time and actually shook my sliding glass door.
It is another one of those nights where I miss my husband. I am terrified that we will end up getting a tornado, the warning siren will come over the speakers, and I will not wake up to hear it. I am not a really heavy sleeper, and yet, I am. I think I will probably wake up to that, but am not completely sure of it. Ian, on the other hand, can wake up to anything. I know he will catch whatever I miss and I know he will wake me up if the need arises.
So, I am going to bed tonight, knowing I won't sleep well because of the storm and because I am worried that I won't wake up if needed if I fall into a deep sleep. This falls into the category of Ian and me being a great pair and especially the part where he steps in and helps in the areas that I am weak in, and vice versa. Not long now until my husband is home and we are back to complimenting the weak areas for each other.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Day 269: Showcase
I was driving around today and saw an Army wife with some stickers all over her car. One was a family sticker, you know the kind... they show the mom, dad, kids and animals. It showed the dad as a soldier and showed the basic ages of her kids, showing she had a child, toddler, and baby. Then she had a sticker that said support our troops, which is definitely okay. Then there was a sticker showing a rank of Staff Sergeant. Lastly she had a sticker that said "Half my heart is in Afghanistan." She basically made me want to pull my car over, get her out of her car, and slap some sense into her. With all those stickers on her car, I was able to make a few conjectures that a common criminal could do and could easily exploit it. First, I know that her husband is a Staff Sergeant in the Army which means that even if he is home, he is an NCO that is responsible for a lot, meaning late nights at work. I also know that she has three small kids. Lastly, I saw that her husband is currently deployed. I got all of this information off of the stickers she has on the back of her car.
It is a scary thing to think of what information you are giving people just based off the stickers on your car that are meant to show pride in the life you have, but it is a real threat. I just don't understand putting that kind of information out there for everyone to see, especially when your husband, and defender, is halfway across the world at the moment. It is why I cringe every time I see those stickers on the back of a car. I try to tell newer wives that it may seem like you are showing pride in your husband/life, but really you are giving out a lot of information. I even try to avoid talking about Ian being deployed when I am out in public just because I don't want the wrong person to overhear and know that they can follow me home to an empty house. It may sound a bit paranoid, but I see it as more of a personal security thing that helps to keep my kids and me safe. So, think twice before you buy those cutesy stickers and think of the story you are telling people who look at your car.
On another note, this has been the busiest spring break ever. And not in the fun way, the work way. I decided since I was off that I would take on a few cakes, but then ended up taking on two more. It wasn't a bad thing, because I haven't decorated in a while and it was fun to get my creative juices flowing. So, I worked on one cake last weekend and three cakes this weekend. All of my cakes turned out pretty good, though three of the four were volunteer cakes made for an organization I volunteer for. The fourth one, and the hardest, was for a friend's kid's birthday. I let my creative side outdo reason. Basically, the cake was a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. Well, it looked really cool, only problem is that the rainbow didn't stay together. So, I had to take it off and improvise. It still looked good, but I really wanted that rainbow to work. The upside was that my friend wasn't made and still loved it, plus I learned a thing or two from it. Here are some pictures of the cakes.
It is a scary thing to think of what information you are giving people just based off the stickers on your car that are meant to show pride in the life you have, but it is a real threat. I just don't understand putting that kind of information out there for everyone to see, especially when your husband, and defender, is halfway across the world at the moment. It is why I cringe every time I see those stickers on the back of a car. I try to tell newer wives that it may seem like you are showing pride in your husband/life, but really you are giving out a lot of information. I even try to avoid talking about Ian being deployed when I am out in public just because I don't want the wrong person to overhear and know that they can follow me home to an empty house. It may sound a bit paranoid, but I see it as more of a personal security thing that helps to keep my kids and me safe. So, think twice before you buy those cutesy stickers and think of the story you are telling people who look at your car.
On another note, this has been the busiest spring break ever. And not in the fun way, the work way. I decided since I was off that I would take on a few cakes, but then ended up taking on two more. It wasn't a bad thing, because I haven't decorated in a while and it was fun to get my creative juices flowing. So, I worked on one cake last weekend and three cakes this weekend. All of my cakes turned out pretty good, though three of the four were volunteer cakes made for an organization I volunteer for. The fourth one, and the hardest, was for a friend's kid's birthday. I let my creative side outdo reason. Basically, the cake was a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. Well, it looked really cool, only problem is that the rainbow didn't stay together. So, I had to take it off and improvise. It still looked good, but I really wanted that rainbow to work. The upside was that my friend wasn't made and still loved it, plus I learned a thing or two from it. Here are some pictures of the cakes.
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| With the Rainbow intact. |
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| How I salvaged it...It looked better in person |
Friday, March 16, 2012
Day 268: Pleasantly misinformed
I was upset last night because I was told that a soldier I knew had died yesterday. I was told by a friend who was close to him and believed her. It wasn't her fault, she was told by a "reputable source." Come to find out this morning that he is just fine! It made my day to hear it. I was slightly perturbed that we were misinformed, but the happiness that the information was wrong greatly outweighed any other feelings.
I am a mostly "seasoned" army wife. My husband has been in the military for over 8 years, and I have been by his side every step of the way. I learned early to avoid rumor mills, and for the most part do well at it. I don't consider it a rumor mill with what happened yesterday, I think it was honest misinformation. It wasn't gossip or what-ifs. It was an honest mistake, a big mistake, but an honest one. I normally wouldn't have written anything like I did last night until I was able to verify it, but I was so overwhelmed that I wrote about it. Even though the news was wrong, the feelings there were not. I am beyond happy that the soldier is doing well and is still on the road to recovery, but I still feel the urge to have my husband home in my arms. I still want to hold him tight and hug him with all the strength in my arms. I am still lonely and still sad that he is away. I still, in my heart, wish he were home with me, though I know in my mind that this is his duty to be in Afghanistan and that he will come home when his tour is done. I know it is my duty to hold on and wait for him. It is my duty to support him from here and hold down the homefront for him. I
know no amount of wishing will bring him home any sooner, so I will just have to be patient and keep my prayers going for his safe return.
For those of my friends and family whom I worried, I apologize. I did not mean to worry you all and I hope you all know that if it was anything that I couldn't handle or anything that was personal, I would have contacted you directly. Thank you for caring about me and thank you for those of you who checked on me today to see if I was okay. I love you all for that.
I am a mostly "seasoned" army wife. My husband has been in the military for over 8 years, and I have been by his side every step of the way. I learned early to avoid rumor mills, and for the most part do well at it. I don't consider it a rumor mill with what happened yesterday, I think it was honest misinformation. It wasn't gossip or what-ifs. It was an honest mistake, a big mistake, but an honest one. I normally wouldn't have written anything like I did last night until I was able to verify it, but I was so overwhelmed that I wrote about it. Even though the news was wrong, the feelings there were not. I am beyond happy that the soldier is doing well and is still on the road to recovery, but I still feel the urge to have my husband home in my arms. I still want to hold him tight and hug him with all the strength in my arms. I am still lonely and still sad that he is away. I still, in my heart, wish he were home with me, though I know in my mind that this is his duty to be in Afghanistan and that he will come home when his tour is done. I know it is my duty to hold on and wait for him. It is my duty to support him from here and hold down the homefront for him. I
know no amount of wishing will bring him home any sooner, so I will just have to be patient and keep my prayers going for his safe return.
For those of my friends and family whom I worried, I apologize. I did not mean to worry you all and I hope you all know that if it was anything that I couldn't handle or anything that was personal, I would have contacted you directly. Thank you for caring about me and thank you for those of you who checked on me today to see if I was okay. I love you all for that.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Day 267: Tough news
Tonight I received some sad news which I am not able to fully share right now, but it has hit me harder than I expected. It made tonight a lot harder than it initially should/would have been. With this news, I cried. I cried for the family that is dealing with this tragedy, I cried for the loss of such a remarkable human being, and I cried for myself and my husband. I wanted nothing more tonight than to hold my husband and tell him how much I love him, but I couldn't. I sat here, alone in my house crying, waiting for his call. When the call came it was too short to be able to talk to him about it and tell him what was wrong with me. It isn't something that would affect him because he doesn't know the family, but it affects me, so I know it will affect him a little. I will have more of a chance to talk to him tomorrow morning about it all. So, tonight, I am going to have to push through it and keep my prayers going for the family. I will have to settle with holding Ian's picture, knowing I just talked to him, in place of holding him. I know we are getting close, but when something like this happens, it makes the time we have left seem like an eternity. I want to hold him now, not 3 months from now... Now! Just another thing that sucks about deployment. When you need them, they are not here. When you need the physical touch and consoling, he is not here. This is where your strength has to kick in. This is where the Army wife characteristics start to show. This is where we come together as a Army family and as Army wives to help each other get through the hard times. This is where we show what we are made of and show just how tough we are.
Another day is done, and we are getting closer... So much closer. I just have to hold on a little while longer, and then he will be home and we can pick up where we left off.
Another day is done, and we are getting closer... So much closer. I just have to hold on a little while longer, and then he will be home and we can pick up where we left off.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 266: Life after deployment
I have been having a lot of daydreams today. I saw a picture of a friend of mine's husband reenlisting and it made me think of the time when Ian reenlisted. Then I started thinking about how long I have until Ian comes home and what it will be like to have him home. The weird part is that I know what it will be like, yet I don't. It has been so long since he has been here for any length of time that I don't know what it will be like. I know that at first it will be amazing and I will be insanely happy that he will be home. I know that it will be our little honeymoon phase. I guess I am just trying to picture after that. Will we be different? Will things be like they were, or will it all change? Will he still love me the way I am now, or will he not like the ways that I may have changed? What will the kids act like? Will they give him a chance to readjust? Will I be able to hold it together for a little while longer after he comes home so he has a chance to reintegrate in the family? How long will that take? How will I still hold onto it all knowing he is home to help me again? Am I strong enough for that? Am I strong enough to handle anything that has changed in him?
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
Day 265: Cranky
Tonight I was not in the best mood. Ian and I decided to replace the girls' beds because they are falling apart. We don't know what kind of house we will move into next, so we decided to get another bunk bed set. This time though, we decided to account for all the moves. The last set we bought was cheap and lasted us just about 5 years. Usually, I think, it would have lasted longer, but being taken apart, moved, and put back together a ton of times didn't help it last. So, I went looking around the past few days for a bunk bed set. Let me tell you, I hate shopping. With a passion. Especially when I have to do it with 3 children. Add to that the fact that I was having to try and make a decision on my own without my husband's input... and I was done! It was so hard for me. So, yesterday, I took pictures when I talked to him last night for a few minutes, I sent them to him. Eventually we came to an agreement, but he wanted a better deal. So, today, I went back and asked for a better deal on the set we were looking at. Luckily, just as I was talking to the lady about the deal, Ian had found his cell and called me with it. So, I got to go over it with him. After a few adjustments, we came to an agreement. It made me feel better that he was on the phone with me to finish it up, because I don't like making decisions, especially ones that cost so much money. Ian wasn't able to talk to the kids because he was tired, but told me (at least I thought he did) that he would call them tonight (our time), so that is what I told the kids to expect.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
Day 264: This is why I don't read the news
03/10/2012
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
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