Day 100- Triple digits!

What a milestone for me today. Not sure why that is, maybe it is just the novelty of reaching 100 days of this deployment. I almost can't believe that I have come this far, and yet everyday has been a challenge in and of itself. 100 days without the love of my life. 100 days of worry. 100 days of being a single parent. 100 days of telling my kids that daddy is okay and sends his love when he can't do it himself. 100 emails to my husband telling him every boring detail of our lives. 100 blog posts telling anyone who wants to read what is going on with me. My 100 days of deployment therapy.


Today is a day that I feel strong and weak all at the same time. It is not normal for me. I am generally a strong person, and feeling weak makes me want to try harder. Or, stealing a phrase I think is awesome, I try to "fake it til I make it." I tell myself I will be okay and that I can do this, when I really feel the opposite. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For the most part though, I am surviving. I am missing him a lot, but still functioning well. I haven't wanted to curl into the fetal position in a few weeks, so that is a plus!

100 Days are done! Just have to keep taking it one day at a time and eventually those days add up to 100, and keep going. Getting closer to seeing him!

Day 99: Short and sweet

Today has been a LONG day. I taught all day, got off at 3:45pm, ran home, changed, ran back to the school I just taught at for an "open house" (not anything like the open houses when I was a kid) at 4pm that was basically just them telling us general things about the curriculum, left there to drive to class, sat through class, and got back home around 10pm. I am exhausted. I hope tomorrow will be a little better, but I am not holding out much hope. I don't have class, but I have at least 4-5 hours of homework to do plus bake, stack, and ice Emily's birthday cake, all after I work until 3:30pm. Probably not going to get much rest tomorrow either. Guess I will sleep in November.

Basically tonight is a lot of the same as last night. Mostly, I just miss my husband more and more as the days go by. These busy days are good, but it also keeps me from being able to talk to him. So, this is something I saw on Facebook a while back and wanted to share it.

The smile you get for no particular reason, that's me thinking about you. The tingle you get that you just can't explain, that's me missing you. The feeling that you get that someone is watching over you when you need it the most, that's me from halfway around the world. Thinking about, missing, and watching over all my loved ones every day from miles away.

 Another day is done. I am getting so much closer to seeing him again, even if only for two weeks, it will be enough to get me through.

Day 98: Routine

I am starting to find my routine now. It is a tough one, but it helps. I don't get more sleep because of my class, but at least I get everything done. I am starting to get into the swing of going to work, going to school, doing homework after school, and writing in my blog. I have been tempted to let it slide, but I am glad that I have kept at it. Even though I am not writing much, it still helps me to have this outlet. It is the one place I go every night to write about what has gone on or how I am feeling.

For example, right now, I am feeling a little alone. I am working and going to school and doing homework. I really don't have time for me. I don't have time to sit and talk with my friends and be there for the ones who need me right now. That really sucks, because I really want to be there for my friends and I truly miss them, and I just can't seem to find the time. It is a lonely place for me right now. I know I am not friendless, but I feel like I can't be a good friend to people right now, at least not the way I want to, so I can't expect people to be there for me. Not to mention, even if I wanted to meet up with someone, I just flat out don't have time. Even when I do have some time, it is being spent doing homework. Plus, I don't really get a lot of time with the kids, and I am missing that a lot too. So, yeah, I am lonely right now. Plus, I heard a song on the radio on the way home that made me miss my husband even more, which added to my feeling of loneliness. I know this is just temporary, and I will get through it, but I am just complaining a little.

Another day is done, and we are getting just that much closer to reunion time! Oh, the dreams I have about that day.

Day 97: Still trying to take care of me

Today was a good day, not as busy as it was supposed to be, but still busy enough. This morning, my husband called in time to say hi to the two youngest before they headed to school. It was fun to watch them talk to him and tell him about what they are going to do and what they did yesterday. Ian had to go and eat lunch and I had to take the kids to school, but Ian promised he would call back after dinner so we could have time to talk. It was a good conversation. We laughed together a lot, which was nice.

Ian knows my schedule and knows what I am trying to do with my schooling and with my substitute job. He knows that I am working so I can have both experience and some extra money for when he comes home. As we were talking today I was telling him about my schedule and that I am concerned that I don't know if I will be able to get everything done for Emily's birthday party this weekend. He then asked me what I am working. When I told him, he wasn't very happy. He keep telling me that I need to slow down and focus on my school work... which is true. I just want to make sure we have enough extra money to do the things that my children, my husband, and I want to do while my husband is home on R&R. Of course, my husband's response is that we don't have to do anything while he is home and that I need to take some days off of work. I keep telling him that I will be okay, but he wants to take care of me. So he is trying to help me create a schedule of things to do, and even helped me with my homework.

On Skype, we worked together and brainstormed ideas about an assignment that was due today and it really helped me get it done. He also helped me put together a graphic for a classroom arrangement that was due today. I told him what I wanted done, and on his day off, he helped me get it done.

It is just another thing I love about him. Even in a war zone, he wants to help me as much as he can and will even use some of his time off to help me with my homework as well as talk to me. I couldn't ask for a more supportive and loving husband than Ian. It is funny, because, I am supposed to be the one supporting him, and, here he is, supporting me right back.

Another day done, and we are getting so close to R&R. I am looking forward to touching his face in person, and not on a computer screen or picture frame.

Day 96: Be Proud

Today has been a busy day, and tomorrow is going to be just as busy, so I am going to keep this simple. If I am going to do well in school and work, I need to get to bed. But, one quick story first. I substituted in a  high school math class. I opened the class telling the students that my name is Mrs. Sabin and I would like to be called that. Not miss or teacher, but Mrs. Sabin. They asked if they could call me Mrs. S. I said no and told them that I am proud of my last name and deserve the respect of the students addressing me properly. Then a student asked why I was proud of my name. I simply told them that it is my husband's last name and I am proud of him and proud to be married to him and would appreciate it very much if they showed that name and me the respect deserved. That got their attention real quick and they called me Mrs. Sabin the whole period.

On Facebook tonight I saw a friend post this and loved it. It really hits on what we as Army wives go through, with or without children. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did because it made me tear up a little.

This is for the young women that are waking up at 6 a.m. every morning with small precious children that they have been left alone to care for. 

This is for the pregnant Military wife wondering if her husband will make it home in time to watch their miracle happen. 

This is for the childless Military wife, living in a town or on a base alone where she is a complete stranger to her surroundings. 

This is for the women that feel like a third leg when they go out with their friends and their husbands. 

This is for the Military wife that cancelled all her plans to wait by the phone, and even though the phone broke up and cut off every time you spoke to him you waited anyway. 

This is a pledge to the women that cry themselves to sleep in an empty bed. 

This is to recognize the woman that felt like she was dying inside when he said he had to go, but smiled for him anyway. 

This is for those of you that are faithfully in that long line at the post office once a month handling 2 large boxes and 2 small children like a pro. 

This is for that woman that decided to remodel the house to pass time, and then realized that she had no idea what she was doing and sighed and wished she had a little help. 

This is for all the lonely nights, all the one-person dinners, and all of the wondering thoughts because you haven't heard from him in days. 

A toast to you for falling apart, and putting yourselves back together. Because a pay check isn't enough, a body pillow in your bed is no consolation, and a web cam can never compare. 

This is for all of you no matter how easy or hard this was for you. 

Our military men are brave, they are heroes, but so are we. 

So the next time someone tells you that they would never marry a Military guy, don't bother explaining to them that you can't control who you fall in love with. 

Just think of this and nod your head, know that you are the stronger woman. 

Hold your heads up high, hang that flag in your front yard, stick 100 magnets on your car, and then give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud to be the woman that you are, be proud to be a
MILITARY WIFE

Day 95: Just Breathe

Last night after writing my blog, I started to aimlessly look around my Facebook profile and looked at my pictures. I saw one of my husband and me at a friend's house over a year ago and it made me smile. I then went to my husband's profile, even though he doesn't get on it much, just to look at his pictures. As I scrolled through his wall, I saw his few posts since he deployed, and it made me start to miss him. I heard him saying the things he posted in his voice and saw his little picture next to it, and it made me feel like he was right here saying it. I also read some of our friends' responses to him. The show of support and love from our friends was heart warming. Again, it made me proud to be his wife, but I also missed him like crazy.

So, that is how I went to bed. Missing him. I went upstairs, unable to force myself to get in our bed, and settled for the recliner in the corner of my room instead. Just as I was about to settle in for the night, I got a text message. It was from my husband. He was telling me that he was back at the FOB and that he loved me. Those two simple sentences changed my mood. I had been missing him, mostly I think, because I was worried about him and it had been a few days since I had last spoken to him. Plus, I wasn't sure how long he would be out of contact. That one simple text allowed me to breathe again. I smiled and sent back a quick response telling him I loved him too and that I was happy to hear he was back. Daniel then came into my room after having a bad dream, so I ended up back in my bed holding him as he fell back asleep.

Today, I got to see my husband again via Skype. The kids got to talk to him for the first time in over a week. It was a great conversation. The kids were their normal selves and it made Ian smile and laugh. Just seeing his face again made me smile and I, again, took a deep breath just knowing he was okay. What a feeling! I was flying for the rest of the day.

It hit me about how my mood runs most of the time in direct correlation to the worry I feel for my husband. On days when I get to talk to him and know he is okay, I am pretty happy and determined to have a good day. On days when I haven't heard from him and am worried, I am more depressed, sad, and struggling to make it through the day. Those days when I am struggling, my kids might hear me say, "Just breathe" to myself. Most of the time, though, I am able to say it out of earshot of the kids and I have to tell myself to breathe just so I can keep it all together in front of them. An image of the time we have left that separates my husband and me or of his uniform hanging in my closet makes me want to cry, but if my kids are around, I can't. I have to keep breathing and keep from breaking down. "Just breathe," I whisper, "Just breathe." I can make it through the rough days if I just breathe.

Another day is done, and I am getting closer to his return and even closer to his R&R.

Day 94: No News for me

I stayed busy most of the day, cleaning the house really well, hoping that will help get me through this insane week coming up. It is the calm before the storm. Then I took the girls to their swim lessons. After swim lessons, I invited my awesome friend Lyssa over for dinner. It was a great night. We just hung out and talked and let the kids play. I loved it because I have been so busy this week that I haven't had any time to see her and I have missed talking to her. Now, I am getting some homework done and then heading to bed.

My husband called me at 3am, something he never does, to tell me that he is ok. That usually means that I will probably hear something on the news about soldiers being hurt, but that neither he nor his team were involved. I didn't get it at first when he called at 3 am, I was too tired to think clearly. Plus, the call only lasted 2 minutes because he only had time to say hi, he was okay, that he loved me, and to give the kids a kiss for him. It was only later when I told my dad that he had called that my dad told me why he thought Ian called, because my dad saw news. I don't watch the news for that very reason, but it sounded about right as to why he would call me like that. Either way, it was good for me and hearing his voice always makes me feel better.

I don't watch the news. I learned that I would avoid it as I watched my many friends whose husbands were deployed. The would watch the news, hear something about that area of the world, and start freaking out until they heard from their husband again. I also did that when my high school friend deployed in the first few years of the war. I would hear something about the 82nd Airborne and would freak out wondering if she was okay. I wasn't an Army wife then and I didn't understand the breakdown of Army units, so every time I heard 82nd Airborne, I thought it was her unit. With my husband's deployment, I have decided to avoid a lot of the news channels and when I do want to look at news, I look up certain topics, like the Republican debates or new proposed bills. I avoid news about the war. I have enough worry in my mind already without having to read reports about what may or may not have happened downrange. I am not naive, I know what is going on there, I know the danger there. I just choose not to focus on it and drive myself crazy. The news can be a helpful tool, but in my world, it would hinder me more than it would help me. So, I will just have to wait for my next phone call from my husband telling me he is okay and then I can breathe again.

Another day done, another day closer to picking up where we left off.

Day 93: Relying on my support system

Today was a good day. I have been pushing myself hard lately with all of the new things I am doing like my job and class. So, today, I had a half day at work and I told my dad last night that I would be able to take care of the kids and take them to school in the morning. My dad, knowing that I am exhausted, allowed me to sleep in a little bit and took the kids to school. I was reluctant, but decided to let him help me. It did help me a lot because I woke up with a major headache and needed time to rest and get rid of that headache before I had to go to work.

These upcoming 4 weeks I am going to have to rely even more on my support system I have around me more than I have EVER had to before in my life. I have my dad here for me, which will be the biggest help, but I am also realizing that I will have to rely on all of my support group in times when my dad just isn't able to help. For someone like me, someone who is relatively strong and proud almost to a fault, it is really hard to ask for help and admit my weaknesses. My schedule between working and school is going to allow me maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night, at least 4 nights out of the week and I am going to be exhausted and will have to focus all of my spare time on homework. So, this is a time that I have to start swallowing my pride and allowing someone other than my husband help me out, especially when I hit the wall physically.

That will be my goal in the next few weeks, to admit that I can't do it all. To admit that I am not a super mom nor am I made of steel. I am strong, but even the strongest Army wife needs help, especially during a deployment.

Another day down and I am another day closer to having my dreams once again become my reality.

Day 92: Waiting game

Today is the 3 month mark. It has been three months since I hugged and kissed my husband, told him I loved him and "see you later," and sent him off to war. I have to say that it has gone by faster than I thought it would, for the most part. You know I have said that some days it seems to take forever and others it is flying by. The summer dragged, but now that the kids are in school and I am working, it is starting to pick up.

I think the part about deployments that really drags are the times where you are waiting. You know your husband is out and you don't know how long that will be for. So, you wait. You wait for a phone call or email from your husband telling you he is back. You are always worried, but when he is out, you worry even more. The term "no news is good news" is the motto of which you live your life. It is an agonizing waiting game because a lot of the times, you don't even know it started. My husband can't tell me when he is leaving or when he is going to come back, so I have to assume when I don't hear from him at normal intervals, that he is gone. Then the waiting game starts. My heart skips a beat when my phone rings and I see "unknown" or a weird phone number on my phone. Then, I answer it only to find out that it isn't my husband and the waiting starts all over again. This is the time that we, as Army wives, have to stay busy. That is just what I do when my waiting game starts, but, to be honest, it doesn't make it much easier. It just makes me more worried about carrying around my phone because I don't know when he is going to call. I am not complaining, it is just a fact of life for me right now and that is okay because it just shows that I care and am proud to sit behind and wait for my husband to do his job and come home to me.

Working as a sub has been good for me so far. The main drawback is the fact that I am not as available for phone calls as I used to be, which sucks. It is okay though, because I can't stop living life. Hopefully we will be able to work around our schedules and the time difference to be able to talk more often. If not, we will have to work even harder at writing emails.

Another day, another dollar... or in my case, another one done.

Day 91: Built-in Support

So, I am now working. It is crazy to say, but I am. I am substitute teaching right now, and so far, there is plenty of work. I really hope it stays that way. Along with subbing, I am also taking a class to get my teaching credential, and the class started tonight. It was good, and the best part was that a lot of what was talked about, I already knew from my education classes I took to get my Bachelor's Degree. Hopefully, that will help me in this class, because I know I am going to need it. My teacher is a little crazy, I think. They have about 2-5 hours of homework a night. Problem is that class gets out at 9pm and it is an hour commute. So, I get home at 10, have to be up by 5:30-6am most mornings for work, and don't get home from work until between 3-4:30pm. With having to leave the house by 4:50pm to beat traffic, how am I going to find 2-5 hours a night/day for homework! Ahhhh! Luckily the class is only 3 weeks long, but it will be a little stressful. So, don't be surprised if I miss a posting or two.

My dad came to stay with me for a while during Ian's deployment. Mostly to help me by taking the kids to school in the mornings and picking them up in the afternoons. It is something that, given my new schedule, came just at the nick of time. I am so grateful for his help and even though I am usually not able to ask, I am glad my dad is here to help me. It really will be awesome to have a built-in support system. It will help me out a lot, give the kids some added stability, and give my friends here a break from bailing me out with the kids all the time. It will help make this deployment a little more bearable and will help me finish my credential and eventually get a stable job! Thank you, dad, for coming to help me out.

Another day down, another day closer to seeing his face in front of me and not on a picture or computer screen. I can't wait to be able to touch that face!

Day 90: Gestures

I had my first substitute job today. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was a special education classroom, which is usually a piece of information they would put on the announcement. I was surprised when I arrived at the school and they told me where I would be teaching that day, but it didn't bother me to be in a special education classroom. It was a little stressful and really busy, but it was a good day. I avoided being bitten by mere centimeters and was only lightly hit a few times. Basically, a success in a class full of moderate-severe special needs. It was a long day, but really not horrible. I have always had a special place in my heart for special needs kids, stemming from my mother driving special ed buses when I was a kid, and always wondered if I had what it took to teach special ed kids. Today, I found that I just might have it! It was an awesome realization.

I was driving home from work today, and my phone rang. It was my husband! At 3:10pm my time, which meant it was almost 1am his time! I couldn't believe that it was him. He was up doing stuff for work and knew that I would be getting out of class by that time and wanted to call to see how my first day was. I was ecstatic to hear from him and was so happy that he called just to say hi and congratulate me on my first day. He was sorry that he couldn't call before I went to work because he was super busy, but I told him that him calling this afternoon made my day! He loves to hear that, I know, and I wasn't just saying it to make him feel better, it was the truth. Ian has been starting to get better about those kinds of gestures. He is realizing that small notes, emails, or text messages that tell me he loves me or is thinking about me really do mean a lot and have been known to change the course of my day. Those little gestures keep me going, even when he doesn't have time to write me a long email or call me, I can still read just a few sentences telling me he loves me. :-)

Another day is done. Another milestone passed.... my first day of work. Just getting that much closer to holding each other again.

Day 89: Wow

That is all I can really say for today.... WOW! It has been an amazing day! Honestly, I could not have planned it to go this well, and I have felt such a high throughout this whole day, despite only getting 4 hours of sleep again last night.

Last night, a new friend of mine had mentioned on her Facebook page that her brother's birthday was tomorrow (well, today). I was a little unhappy, because I would really have loved to make him a cake. See, he is a veteran, seriously wounded in Afghanistan just over a year ago. So, I messaged her and asked why she didn't tell me, and she told me that she didn't want to make me feel like I HAD to make him a cake. I told her that I make cakes for little 1 year-old kids who won't remember their cake and could really care less what it looks like, just as long as they can eat it. Why in the world would I make cakes for little 1-year-olds and not make one for a wounded soldier? So, the planning started. She told me what he liked, I came up with a design, and started baking over at my other friend, Lyssa's house. She helped keep me company as I baked and decorated and then she would let me bounce ideas off her for the cake. It worked out well and within 5 hours, we had a cake for this soldier.

This morning, I drove about an hour to meet my friend halfway to give her the cake. I was so surprised to find out that she had her brother with her! It made me so happy to see him smile when he saw his "Green Lantern" cake. He loved it! His whole family loved it! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I do what I do. Baking and decorating cakes has almost become my ministry. It is a way I can show God's love to people. I was so proud to be able to give this soldier an awesome birthday cake for his birthday, and, apparently, he was very adamant that it was HIS cake! :-)

To add to my high of the day, later this afternoon, I got a call telling me that my fingerprints cleared and I was now able to start substituting with the school district. So, I registered with their call system and went online to see if there were any jobs available. There was! I found a substitute position that starts tomorrow and goes for 9 days. It will be a great thing to be able to get into the classroom and start learning new things and experiencing all the different grade levels. The added bonus is that the money from this job will deposit before Ian comes home for R&R, which means we will be able to do some of the fun things we were wanting to do, but didn't think we would have the money for. God works!

Such a great day, yet, I am glad it is over. That just means I am a little bit closer to seeing my husband again!

Day 88: The good things about deployment....

I know, you read that title and think, "Okay, the deployment has gotten to her brain, she has gone crazy!" Well, that might be true, but seriously, not only can I blame deployment for just about anything I can think of, I can also find benefits. Since this deployment, I have become stronger and more self sufficient, while still needing my husband. My husband and I communicated well before he left, and now, we are just doing even better. We talk about everything under the sun and we are just happy to be sitting at the computer staring at each other. We are a stronger couple, with the issues we have faced so far, we have stayed united. I have made a lot of new friends, some I haven't even met yet, but are still just as supportive of me as my own family. These women are going through the same thing that I am and know how I feel, so I can talk to them about the trials that are unique to the life of a military wife.

The most important thing this deployment has done for me is it has taught me to lean on God more than anyone else. I always wanted to do stuff on my own, knowing it was not the way I was supposed to be, but trying anyways. I am learning that the more I lean on God, the more stable I am during this deployment. So, yes, in a way, this deployment has helped.......Now, since it has helped and I have grudgingly admitted to it, I would like my husband back please..... Right, like that will work. Hahahaha.

One day down, another day closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 87: I thought daydreaming about a guy was for teenagers

It is Saturday. Saturday's are the slow day of the weekend most of the time. Sunday's are filled with church and stuff like that, but Saturday, well, you have to find stuff to do on Saturdays. Today the kids and I did our chores after we got to talk to Ian. It was only for about 30 minutes, and the kids talked to him the most, but that is what the weekend conversations are for... the kids. I get to talk to him during the week, and even though I would love to hog his time, I know the kids need it too. As the kids were talking to him, I was trying to figure out what I was going to give these kids for breakfast. I had no milk, no pancake mix, no frozen waffles, no eggs, no bacon... Nothing. As I am scouring the pantry, I see OATMEAL! Score! No argument was allowed when I told the kids they were having oatmeal for breakfast. They pretty much know when I say "This is what we are having," they can't argue with me. I made oatmeal for Daniel and he sat to eat it and thought it was quite funny for Ian to see him eating breakfast. Of course, Daniel made it funny. So he showed Ian his food, told him in detail what it was, and smiled every time he took a bite while Ian watched. It was pretty funny. After that, I talked to Ian for about 7-8 minutes and then he had to go. The rest of the day was mostly cleaning and then swim lessons.

I have been daydreaming like crazy today, I can't help it. I feel like a teenager with a crush on the boy in the first row. The one big difference is that my daydreams have been of Ian being home. I keep seeing him here helping me with dishes, or just sitting and talking to me as we watch the kids play. Saturdays are good and bad for that. I have a lot of time on my hands and can't help the way my thoughts always seem to drift to Ian. During the week, it is normal for him not to be home because he is at work. The weekends, however, is family time and his absence is more obvious.

I usually write Ian an email at the end of everyday to tell him about what has happened. Today, I had to send him an email early, out of the routine. I just had to tell him I love him. It had to be said. I had to tell him how grateful I am to have him as my partner for life and that my life is better because he loves me and I him. I know, it is sappy, but it is true. I can't help the days where I miss him so much that it is almost painful. The only thing I can do is deal with it the best I can and always, always, tell my husband how much I love him and how proud I am of him.

I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a husband that loves me for me and who stands by me no matter how far apart we are. Another day down.... and we are getting closer!

Day 86: Busy night

Tonight is a short one simply because it is late and it has been a very long day. Basically, my youngest daughter got sick at school and I had to pick her up and take her to the doctor's office. It pretty much shot my whole day. So, I wasn't able to get started on the cake until around 7:30pm, and that was to start baking it. Yeah, long night. Now that the cake is done, I am off to bed. Hopefully I will have more to talk about tomorrow night.

Day 85: Support

Support is key for any family going through a deployment. Not just for the spouse, but also for the children and soldiers. I have seen many forms of support since the start of this deployment. It has come in some ways from people I didn't expect support from and has not come from places I expected it to. I have learned that if people can not support my husband, my kids, or myself then I have to put them out of my mind, out of my expectations, and basically out of my life right now. I really do not have room for people who don't care right now. Later, when he is home, I can handle it and deal with it better. Right now though, I need to keep the people in my life that will help my family and myself through this. I am learning to use my support system and to not count on those who are not supportive.

I have had a lot of support from my family and friends. It has been amazing. When I needed someone, there was always someone there for me, be it physically present, or over the phone, someone has been there for me. The one aspect of this deployment that has frustrated me since I first got here was the lack of support from the FRG (the Family Readiness Group). This group is supposed to be the group that spouses can become involved in to meet other spouses in the unit and get information about their deployed soldiers. FRGs do have a bad reputation for being gossip chains, but really that is not what they are for. Good FRGs should be something that Army wives can turn to for support in times of deployment and even when the soldiers are home. I have been disappointed in my FRG because we arrived here two months before the deployment. I emailed about 3 weeks after getting here asking for information about the unit and about preparing for the deployment, and got nothing. I had to prepare on my own. I got a reply back the day before the soldiers deployed telling me that the FRG would not do anything until after summer. I didn't understand that because, in my opinion, for those spouses that were still around, the support was needed at the start of the deployment more than 3 months later. I said as much to the FRG leader. She tried to organize a dessert social and only got 4 responses, so she cancelled it. I was frustrated because even meeting 4 people would have been great for me personally.

Tonight we finally had an FRG meeting... almost 3 months after the soldiers deployed. I almost didn't go because I was, to be honest, bitter that it had taken so long to actually meet my FRG leader. I ended up going just because I know it is what you put into it, so I figured I would try again at making contact with the FRG. Well, it was only the FRG leader, the Rear Detatchment NCO, and myself there. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was something. We threw around ideas for the next meeting and discussed ideas of packages to send soldiers downrange. I also pushed the idea to the FRG leader that we need to do something no matter how many people say they will attend. I told her that in my experience it will only be a few people, but most of the time, word will spread and the events will get bigger, but we have to start somewhere. She seemed receptive to my ideas, so hopefully we can get this going.

I am hoping that I will be able to get some support from the FRG, but for the most part, I have already set up a small support system around me outside of the unit. So, I am secure in the support I have, even if the FRG does nothing else. I have gotten support from other military spouses I have met, from my church, and from my family. My husband has seen a lot of support from my family as well. They just love sending him all the fun care packages (I get the boring "need" military stuff packages). The church has also started to show their support for my husband in the form of sending him care packages and words of encouragement. My children have gotten support from myself, of course, and also from my family, my friends, from church, and even school.

To those that support my husband, I am so grateful. Nothing means more to me than to hear him happy on the phone because someone from my family or church told him they were proud of him in an email or letter and when he would get surprise packages containing goodies that reminded him of home and that he could share with his team. To those that support my kids, I can tell you it has made a world of difference. They know that even though their daddy is gone, they still have people around them that love them and support them. I have seen it in the way they are excited to see some of our friends, to talk to my parents on Skype, and even to go to church and talk to the pastor. Their behavior shows the support they are getting and for that I am thankful. To those that support me, you will never know how much your love and friendship means to me. Without my supporters, I don't know how strong I would be able to be for my kids and my husband. For that I am grateful.

Another day is done, another day closer to holding him in my arms.

Day 84: I suck at this

I will be the first one to admit it: I suck at asking for help. I just don't do it. I won't call up a friend and tell them I need someone to come over and kick my butt out of bed. I won't tell people if something is wrong. I just keep the mentality of "I am a big girl and I can handle it."

That mentality has gotten me in trouble in the past. In Germany, Ian was gone for 4 months on various trainings and I was working full time and had all three kids at that time. Well, just as Ian went into a week of blackout mode, everything fell down around my ears. Literally, all three kids got sick. Daniel (the one who was born with lung issues) was the worst off, then Natalie, and Emily was affected the least at this time, but even beeing the least sick, she was still really sick. Well, I had to take off work (a stress in and of itself) and take care of the kids. I took them to the doctor's where I was told to take Daniel to the hospital if his breathing worsened over night and the medication didn't help. Sure enough, that night, Daniel was having a hard time breathing (he was 6 months at this time) so I took him to the ER. Problem was, I locked my keys in the house at 10:30pm. So I had to wait for the locksmith to get my keys out of the house and then took Daniel to the ER with the girls in tow. The next morning I had to go back to the doctor's and they did a lung xray. After that was done, I just started crying. I was stressed to the max. Well, a friend from church happened to be there and asked what was wrong. When I told him, he immediately offered help with the girls and then called his wife to arrange her to make dinner for the girls and me. He scolded me for not calling anyone in the church before then, and he then went and activated my church to help me. Once Ian came out of blackout he called and I told him what had happened that week. He also scolded me for not calling the church for help. You would think I would have learned my lesson.

Well, in a way I did and in a way I didn't. I have been in situations where I should have asked for help, and I didn't. I talked to Ian's college pastor just before he left and he told me to call if I needed anything because he is only an hour away. I told him thanks, and then he asked if I was really going to do it. I told him the truth and told him no. He and I then talked about the history and my stubborn streak and my need to be "strong." He then told me that not one person can be strong all the time and that everyone needs help at some point in time, especially at such a trying time as a deployment. He made me promise that I would ask for help if I needed it. I saw that he was not just saying that and that he really was sincere about helping me. So, I agreed.

I have to admit, I did better this time. Last night, I was upset. I was sad and worried, mostly. So, I asked for help. Granted, I didn't exactly call anyone, but still put it out there for help. I posted on Facebook last night for my local friends that I knew if they did not help me get out of the house in the morning, that I would be curled up in bed all day. I asked for help and support, even if it was through a Facebook status. Sure enough, two of my awesome friends helped me out. They went to lunch with me. Simple enough, I know, but it was just what I needed. I needed to get out of the house and talk to other women. I needed to shake off the sadness I was feeling, even if it was just for an hour. It worked, too. Shaking it off and spending time with friends helped, not just for that hour long lunch but for the rest of the day too.

It is nice to know that when I ask for help, I have friends who will answer that call. I know I am that kind of friend too, and I hope they all know that. Today, I needed help. Tomorrow, it might be someone else that needs me to boot them out of the house, and that is okay with me.

Another day is done and I am just that much closer to holding my husband in my arms again.

Day 83: Deployment parenting

Busy days are good. They are distracting. They are just what I need.

Today I went to PWOC and signed up for my bible study. I then came home, did some laundry and dishes, and went to pick up the kids. We were home long enough for them to get some water, grab a snack and get in the car for Daniel's Karate class. I didn't get to watch, there isn't much room inside the room and standing outside looking in the window would have totally distracted Daniel. So, I waited in the lobby. After karate, we were off to the girls' golf lessons and then home. We got home, they got in the shower and ready for bed. Then, Ian called. He got up extra early just to talk to the kids on Skype before they went to bed. It was a real treat for all of us.

I have to laugh because, unknown to the kids, I talk to Ian some mornings, and send him an email every night, and tell him all that has happened. The good, bad, and the ugly of our lives. It keeps him connected. It helps him feel like he is an active part of day to day life here. The bonus for me is when they don't realize that I told Ian about something they did and he brings it up without warning. Like tonight when Ian brought up Natalie's little fit she threw two nights ago. She was shocked when he asked her why she threw that fit with me. He has done it to every one of the kids. It makes me laugh to see their faces when he tells them he knows and Ian just looks at them waiting for them to say something. Then the kids look at me with a look of utter betrayal, like "how dare I tell daddy that!" HAHAHA! I just laugh and tell them that I tell daddy everything that happens here. Then Ian tells them that even though he is 7,000 miles away, he will still talk to them about their behavior and expects them to behave well for their mom. It makes me laugh on the inside. They can't pull anything over on us. United front with an ocean between us... Now THAT is deployment parenting.


Another day done, another day closer to seeing him again.

Day 82: Time for me

Today was another of those days. The day where I wasn't really busy, but at the same time I had a few things to do that seemed to take all day. It was still a good day, though I have been (and still am) exhausted.

I received a message from a dear friend whom I met back in Arizona. She is an amazing woman of God and has helped me many times in my walk with the Lord. She sent me a message containing a devotional she had read that spoke to her about me. Before I had even left Arizona, I was having trouble sleeping. I was constantly tired, could never sleep soundly through the night, and no matter how much sleep I got, I always felt like I needed more. It has been a problem for a long while and is getting worse during this deployment. I had spoken to my friend about it one day when she noticed how tired I looked and asked if I was okay. We had a long discussion about it and she gave me some great advice that seemed to help a little, but apparently not enough.

Remembering that discussion we had long ago, she read this devotional about a military wife going through her first deployment with 2 young children and 2 that were middle school aged. This wife was just like me: going to bed super late, getting up early, drinking coffee, eating chocolate, and was generally always wiped out. When I read that, it had my attention. That is me! It went on to say that this wife "got a grip" and started putting her own "self-care" into the routine as a responsibility, not a luxury. She started to go to the gym, attended bible study, turned off the news, and put her kids in preschool to give her some time to take care of herself. Again, it yelled at me. I have been pushing myself too much and have put myself last for a long time, and even more so during this deployment than before. I have needed to be the strong one for everyone else and my own personal well-being has been pushed to the back burner. It is a heavy load to try and carry alone: taking care of three children, a house, animals, as well as worrying about my soldier and trying to take care of him as best I can over there at the same time. Then, she said something that made me cry and made me realize that I do not have to carry all that burden. God will help me carry that burden if I would just give it to Him. I also realized that I have friends that I can lean on to help me with the kids and to talk to when I need someone to listen. I do not have to do this alone.

So, here is my promise to myself. I will become a priority. I will start finding time to work out at least 3 times a week. I will cut down on my caffeine intake. I will eat better. I will get more rest, good bad or otherwise, I will get to bed sooner than the midnight- 1am time I have been using. I will make time for my bible studies every day and have some devotional time. I will take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually. I have to. If I do not, I am realizing that I will not be useful to my children or my husband. If I do not start taking care of myself, I am going to become ill and then will definitely not be able to be strong for my children and husband. I will make time for me to keep from falling down during this deployment and even after this deployment is over.

Tonight, I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to waking up early and starting a new routine that includes me. Today is done, tomorrow is coming my way and it will be a good day. And I will be just that much closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 81: Remember every day

I got sleep last night! It was awesome. My husband woke me up at around 1:30am but it was just to ask me a few questions and then he told me to go back to sleep. So, I did. I was out pretty quickly too! Woke up this morning with the kids. Then Ian got on Skype. The kids got to spend time talking to him and I got to talk to him for a little bit. I was late for church, but when the opportunity to talk to him comes up, I take it!

After church, I went to lunch with a bunch of ladies from church. The kids stayed behind with the men and had pizza. They had fun, we had fun, I was kid-less... it was a win-win. Then we went home and did some house cleaning. I haven't been home much in the past 4 days, so we all had some chores to catch up on. I think the kids were trying to see if they could make my head explode by not listening, but luckily, it didn't. We got the chores done, had dinner, read a story, and went to bed.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks. It was a day of remembrance for the country and also a day of patriotism. It is funny. I don't have cable TV at all, so I haven't seen any of the gazillion specials that are/have been running, so I am not as aware of it. Don't get me wrong. I remember. I remember what happened. It still saddens me. There should me ceremonies and memorials for it. It should never be forgotten. I just don't feel the need to dwell on it during just THIS day. I am one that always remembers it. I am always patriotic. I love this country and the freedoms we have. I just wish that people would be patriotic everyday. That on the 21st of September, their flags would still fly and their thoughts would still be on the tragic losses of 9-11-01 and on the heroism of the many firefighters, police officers, and other emergency response people who helped that day and continue to help and serve every day. We shouldn't celebrate heroes one or two days out of the year, but every day. Thank a firefighter or police officer for protecting you whenever you can, not just when a holiday is around or during a crisis. Same thing with soldiers and veterans. No need to wait for a certain holiday to say thank you. It makes their day to hear it from someone as they go about their day. I am thankful for the many heroes we have in this country, today and every day.

Another day closer to seeing my husband! Counting down the days to R&R BABY!

Day 80: It is okay to not always be okay

I am EXHAUSTED! I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night and hit the ground running this morning. I delivered my cake and then went to an expo where mostly military wives in the area showed their small businesses and we got to see what is available in the area. It was fun because I went with an awesome friend of mine, along with our combined 6 kids. Truth be told, it was a little crazy, so we are gonna have to come up with a better way of keeping the kids together if we are going to do stuff like that more often.

After the expo, we went and had lunch at McDonald's and the kids got to play. We then went to a birthday party for my friend Carmon's kid. It was fun for the kids and we adults just hung out and talked. After the party, I came home and haven't really done much. I am so tired and my feet and legs hurt so much that it is truly painful to walk right now. So, I have been relaxing with the kids and did a quick grilled cheese sandwich dinner.

I have this really awesome support site on Facebook for military wives, fiances, or girlfriends that I am a part of and one of the posts late yesterday really spoke to me. The post said, "Sometimes it's okay to not be okay, you don't always have to put on a smile on the outside. It's hard, no one said it would be easy and no one expects you to keep it together every day and every night. Let it all out every now and then...It's okay to cry. ♥ *Dani." I had to sit there and just think. I really am bad about this. I am one that I feel like I have to be okay all the time. I have to be able to smile at people when they ask how I am and tell them I am doing okay. When truth is that I have bad days. I have days where my kids are pushing me right off the cliff of my sanity. I have days where I am mad at the world and want nothing more than to just sit in a cave for the next 10 months. I have days where it has been a while since I have heard from my husband and I am worried and preoccupied with wondering when I will hear from him again. All of those days, when someone asks how I am, I still say, "Okay." I think I have to say that. I think I have to show a brave face and not talk about what is really going on because I am an Army wife, we are supposed to be made of steel and should be able to handle it. Well, that is somewhat true most days. As an Army wife, I am a strong woman and can handle a lot, but there are days that I can't.

Just as Dani said, it is okay not to be okay. I have to accept that and others in my life have to know that it is a reality. I am not always going to be positive. I am not always going to be doing well. I am going to post statuses on Facebook a lot saying how much I miss my husband or how bad of a day I am having. It is not me being whiny, it is reality, because this is a hard job. This is a hard reality for me. If hearing about my bad day or my missing my husband is "too much for you," then by all means, don't read them. I am just having to be okay with not always being okay.


Another busy day is done. Getting closer to seeing my husband again.

Day 79: Quality is better than quantity

Today has been just one of those days. It was busy, and yet not all at the same time. There basically was a lot to do, but for most of the day I was out of town. It was really bad timing for sure. I had to drive over an hour away to take Nala to a spay clinic in the morning and stayed there for the day just because I didn't want to spend 2 extra hours driving plus spend the extra gas money. So, I spent the day working on homework for my credential class that starts on the 21st. Mostly a good day up there. Got a lot of my work done, but there is still more to do.

Last night, I finished a Cars cake that was due this morning. Luckily, my friend Carmon was willing to take my kids to school and deliver the cake for me. She also picked up the girls while my other awesome friend, and awesome photographer, Lyssa, picked up my son. Basically, without my friends' help, I would have been screwed.

After I came home, I grabbed the kids and went home to start working on a cake that is due tomorrow. I am totally last minute on these, but luckily Carmon was helping me out again. The cakes due are for twins, so I have to do two separate cakes. She offered to help me out by doing one of them with the supplies I already had. Just after I got home, however, I got a call from her telling me the awesome cake she made for her own daughter's birthday party tomorrow was ruined by a set of 3 year old twins. So, I ran over to her house and started finding a way to fix the cake. I was happy that it was fixable. It took time, but we did it. Then we had to get started on the rest of the cakes. So, we worked on them together and were up late, but eventually got it done. Teamwork!

 Where would we be without our friends, our extended network of support? How would we manage this lifestyle? Well, I will tell you what, we wouldn't be able to. I have seen wives try to do it. They try to handle this life alone and do not create a local support system. It doesn't end well. I have my family that I lean on for support, but if I didn't have my friends, both local and not, I wouldn't be able to make it through this deployment or at all in this military lifestyle we have. It is kind of an odd thing to have to do. You have to meet new people, make new friends, and then decide if you can trust those friends to be there for you when you need them. Especially when you are used to relying solely on your husband as your extra helper and suddenly he is gone for a year. It becomes an impossible task to do alone, to survive and raise kids with no one else to turn to. So, we find friends that we trust and we ask them for help. I mean if I did not have the few friends I have now, I don't know if I could have gotten it all done without pulling the kids out of school or without spending a lot more time and money. I do not have a lot of friends here. I really can only count on one hand the number of friends I would ask to watch my kids, and maybe count on two hands the number of "acquaintances" I know and have spoken to more than once. The saying "Quality is better than quantity," really does sum up my whole perspective on friendships in my life.

Another day successfully completed. Another day closer to being with my husband again.

Day 78: Moving along

Today was another whirlwind day for me. Tomorrow is setting up to be one of those days too. It really his helping the time pass though. Even though I have been writing in my blog daily about how many days I have been without my husband, I still looked at what day it was today and was amazed. It feels like yesterday that I was so excited that I hit double digits, or when I hit the two month mark. Time is passing for me. It is a shock.

Ian told me yesterday that we are halfway to R&R. I was surprised at that statement because it is true! I am over halfway to seeing my husband again. Granted, it will only be for two weeks, but still it is closer that it feels. Between now and the time he comes home for R&R, my life is going to get just that much more hectic. I will be *hopefully* substituting with some regularity, voluneering with the schools on the days I am not subbing, and will be taking night classes to get my credential. I will be crazy busy, so I know that when his R&R does come, it will probably slap me in the face and I will be utterly unprepared! I mean, I hope I will be prepared... manicure, pedicure, house clean, new dress, etc. However, I know myself too well... As my mother put it to me when I showed up late for my own wedding (Only by like 5 minutes, and that wasn't the start of the wedding, just the time I had to be there to get my dress on and such), she said I am always late and will probably be late to my own funeral. Unfortunately, if it isn't a job type thing, I have to admit, I am always running late. Let's just hope that my insane amount of excitement for that R&R time will keep me on track!

Another day is done and I am just that much closer! I love when time flies!

Day 77: Taking care of business

Today was a great day. I got up and got the kids off to school. After that I had a quick cup of coffee at my house with a friend and got a text from Ian asking if I can talk on Skype. My friend's husband is also deployed, so she all but kicked herself out and told me to "GO! Talk to your husband!" It was funny and sweet. I got to talk to Ian for a few minutes. It never seems long enough and lately they have been really strict on his time limits on the computer. So, today it was shorter than usual.

After I got off Skype with my husband, I headed to Austin for lunch with an old friend from middle/high school. It was chance that he and his fiance came within just hours of me this week. When he posted on Facebook that he was going to Texas, I asked him where, not dreaming it would be close to me because Texas is huge! Then he told me where and I realized he would be close. So we arranged to meet for lunch so I could meet his lovely fiance and catch up on old times for a little bit. It was fun. I have to admit it made me a little homesick for all the friends I left behind. I miss them all, but I also know there is no where else I would rather be. Plus, on this military journey we are on, I have made so many awesome new friends.

To go completely off subject from the happenings of the day, I have to say that dealing with everything in my husband's absence is starting to get old. I was talking to my husband about dealing with some family stuff, and I just wish I didn't have to "play nice" all the time and he could do it. But, he is over there, so that is what I have to do. Then, I find a charge on our account using my husband's debit card that he left here. Apparently He got a "trial offer" in June and now they wanted to make it into a full subscription. I had to call and find out what it was and got them to cancel it, but man, it would have been easier if I could have just asked him. Instead, I had to call the bank to find out who's card was used and who the merchant was, then had to get a phone number from them. Then had to call said merchant and find out what the deal was, and then ask them to turn off the subscription. Just not my idea of fun tonight, ya know? Well, that is my rant for the night.

And yes, I rant. I am not perfect. I have days where my duties as the wife of a deployed soldier require me to take on extra responsibilities and even smile at people when I really don't want to. But it is what I do, it is my job. It is how I support him. I may rant and complain about it, but I won't hesitate to do it again, and again. It is not the most glorious part of being an Army wife, but it is a part of being an Army wife.

The day went by so quickly that it makes me hopeful that I am getting better at this. Another day down! Reunion, I see it coming!

Day 76: In tune with my thoughts.... again.

Today has been a good day. I went to PWOC, made a few friends, and then went to the doctors to find out the results of my blood work. It literally took 3 minutes to talk to the doctor and then I was done. It was a total waste of time. After my appointment, I washed my car and went home to pick up the kids. Then the real fun started. Daniel had is first Karate Play class. He was super excited about it and had fun. The instructor is strict with them, but with a class of 3-4 year olds, you kind of have to be. I like the part that he is teaching and requiring the kids to say, "Yes, Sir." That is something that Ian and I teach and Daniel didn't have too much of a problem picking it up. After karate, we had to drive back on post for the girls' golf lessons. They also had fun and Daniel wanted to be a part of it so badly that he was running after the balls. He was also entertaining a mom that was there watching her kid. I did better today, I took pictures of the kids during their various activities today. Now, I just have to send them.

The funniest thing happened this morning. I woke up walked down the hallway to wake up Emily to tell her to get ready for school. I found Daniel asleep in the hallway, just outside his door. It was so funny! I then picked him up (quite an accomplishment picking up a 50lb dead weight) and put him back in bed. Well, later that morning, Ian called me for a few minutes and I told him about my finding this morning and he asked if I took any pictures. I told him no, because I was concerned about getting him back into bed before the lights woke him up. Then he started talking to me about how I need to send him more pictures and he wants to see more pictures of the kids. I asked him if he read my blog that I posted last night, and he said that no he hadn't and asked why I asked. I told him that I had written about that same thing last night and that I realized that I needed to take more pictures and video of the kids for him. He then said, "Really?" I told him yes and then we both laughed about how we both had the same thoughts even without his advantage of reading my blog. I have told him many times, that I write him every day about what happens here at home, but that my blog tells more about what is happening with my feelings and in my thoughts. Most of the time, he doesn't read my blog, but he knows what I am thinking or feeling without me telling him. It is kinda cool.

It is crazy how we are still so synced to each other. It happens all the time with us. When we are IM'ing each other, we end up typing the same thing at the same time. We end up sending emails about the same subject to each other, not knowing that the other is writing about the same thing. He has so often talked about what I wrote in my blog the night before without ever reading it. He knows me so well, and I him. This is who we are together. The core makeup of our relationship is still unchanging.

Another day done, another day closer to sweet reunion.

Day 75: My need to do more

Today is Labor Day. A day of rest. A long weekend without Ian. The good part was that this morning, Ian got on Skype again and we got to talk for a while. The kids got to talk to him, which was a real treat to talk to him twice in one week. Then the kids and I took advantage of the break from the 100 degree weather and went outside. The kids rode bikes up and down the road and I sat there and watched them. They had a blast and I loved watching them. I also had to move Ian's Jeep. It is a stick shift.... I suck at driving stick shifts, but I am starting to get it. I only moved it a few feet, but did well. I also drove it around the street last week and did quite well. My husband got a kick out of my email to him telling him that I had driven the whole circle, stopping at least 5 times to make sure I was able to go from a stop again, all without stalling it once. My excitement made him laugh.

After our time outside the kids and I came in for snack time and some art time. We had dinner and I sent the kids to bed. I read one of my favorite stories to the kids. It was "I Love You Forever." The kids had heard it many times, but this time, I think Daniel understood it more. He would smile every time I said the song the mother sang... "I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I am living, my baby you will be." It was a great story time with the kids.

I have to say that there are times when I know that I am not doing so well at keeping my husband involved as much as I initially thought I would. I thought I would be really good at taking pictures every day, maybe making lots of videos for Ian, or sending him handwritten things by the kids or myself. For the most part, I have done really well about writing him emails daily to update him on the happenings of the day. I tell him what the kids are doing and how they are doing in school. I just forget to take pictures or video. Take today, for example, I should have taken video or pictures of the kids riding their bikes. I just forgot. After I realized that I had forgotten, I felt bad. I just want to get better at this. I know I do a lot already, but can't help but feel that I need to do more. It is the new focus of the deployment. I just want to find more ways to keep Ian involved. As I said, I keep him informed and write him daily, it is just that there is always more that can be done.

Another weekend is done and survived. I am just that much closer to seeing my amazing husband again.

Day 74: No doubt in my mind

Since the day I knew we were moving, I knew he would be deploying. I had a good estimate on the time we had left before he would have to deploy, even before we even met anyone in the unit. The emotions I felt ranged all over the place. I was angry that I would be alone. Sad that he has leaving. Proud because of what he was leaving for. Afraid for his safety. Nervous about the unknowns of a new post and a new unit. Intrigued by what new adventure awaited us. Worried about how I would handle the separation. Determined to deal with it well. Motivated to thrive during the deployment for my husband and my kids.

With all those emotions never once was there fear or doubt over whether Ian and I would make it through. I knew we would. I have always known we will make it through. I knew we would survive this as a couple, because that is who we are. We are in love. We took vows and we meant it when we said forever. No matter what. This is one of those "no matter what" times.

I thought the deployment would stress us. I knew it wouldn't break our relationship, but I was concerned that it would stress our marriage. The awesome part is that it has made us stronger. It is hard to explain just because it is unexpected. I guess I knew the possibility to strengthen our marriage was there, but didn't think it would show until we were back together and using our new-found strength. The truth is that I am seeing it now. I am seeing our strong marriage grow even stronger. I am seeing and feeling us growing closer together, talking through any issues that arise, and being able to head off the big issues before they can show up. Our bond is getting stronger with the time and distance, not weaker.

I know some out there are thinking that it has only been two months, don't start celebrating yet. Well, to those I say that I will celebrate. We have made it through the first two months of this deployment and have gotten stronger. We have dealt with issues that have come up and have put those issues to rest. We have dealt with someone trying to cause problems for us and our marriage, and have in turn united even more and did not allow anyone to divide us, even with 7,000 miles between us. So far, in this two months, we have dealt with a lot that could have started a rift with us, but our marriage is stronger. That is something people don't understand. They think that because we are so far away from each other, we would be easier to divide or rift, but, thing is, our marriage was strong before he left, and it is just getting stronger everyday. People underestimate the power of love and the power of marriage. It is powerful enough to get us through this year apart. It is strong enough to survive anyone who wants to try and divide us. Our marriage is strong. I am not saying we are perfect, I am just saying we are a strong couple. We love and support each other and we have God helping us to hold this bond together. It is with God's help that we have gone this far, and it is with God's help that we will keep trucking through this deployment.

I won't say that it is another day gone, but that it is another day stronger. Another day that we are together despite our circumstances and despite those who might wish otherwise. We are another day united. Now, we are just another day closer to being united physically.

Day 73: Blaming it on deployment

*I fell asleep again, while writing this blog, so it is a day late*

Today was a day that we spent around the house. We had to do a little cleaning just because last week I was so busy and exhausted. I also had a cake to make. It was another Spider-Man cake. I had the same general idea as the last one but changed the top tier. So, I baked the cakes, cooled them, filled & stacked them, and then dirty iced them. After that was done, The kids and I sat down for a little while and just hung out.

I didn't think it through when I made my meal plan for the next two weeks. I realized that instead of guaranteeing that tonight was a "order out pizza" kind of night, I put down that I was supposed to do baked chicken! Yeah, that takes about an hour to do, plus I had already been baking all day, so I really didn't want to do it. Instead I used the recipe I was supposed to have on Monday which requires no baking and can be done in 30 min. Still, I wish I would have just put it in the food budget to order pizza, because I did not need to clean up after baking and then again after cooking dinner, then a third time after decorating.

I got done with my cake around 12:30am and got everything cleaned up by 1am. I went upstairs and turned on Yahoo! Instant Messenger, just hoping I would get lucky and catch Ian online. He wasn't online at first, but about 5 minutes later, right before I was about to give in and go to bed, Ian came online. He wrote me as soon as he saw I was on with "Hey Beautiful." I don't know if he realizes how that simple greeting makes my heart flutter. How it makes me smile from ear to ear and makes me feel so special. Those two simple words make me feel like a newlywed again. Anyways, so by that time, I had already written him an email telling him about my cake and telling him that I had messed it up and had to fix it... which was my fault. He read my email and then asked me over IM what I meant by that. I told him that basically, I wasn't happy with the border, so I decided to try and scrape it off and do a different one. Then the different one didn't work, so I had to take that one off too. I was very close to ruining it past the point of no return, and ended up putting back on the original border. I then told Ian that I was blaming that on the deployment. He asked how in the world I was going to manage that one. I then explained that had he been here, I would have asked for his opinion, he would have told me it looked great the way it is, and I would never have tried to "fix" it. He wrote back with a big LOL and that it had made him smile. I think it was the fact that I was ranting just a little bit and the fact that I told him how much I miss having him here with me. I then told him that I can find a way to blame just about anything on the deployment! He just laughed at me. And the funny part is, even though we weren't on video or even "talking" I could still hear his laugh, know exactly how he smiled, and even pictured him shaking his head. Ah, true love.

I made it through another day! Yeay, me! I have to be honest that today is a day that I am proud of myself for the day I have had.

Day 72: Time passes

Today, I cleaned out my car. That was my huge accomplishment for the day. My car was a wreak and my kids have not been helpful in keeping it clean. I have picked up here and there, but the last time I really cleaned it was right before Ian left. I didn't realize that until I found papers that were from right around the time Ian left. It was kind of funny in a way. When I looked at those papers, I thought "It feels like that just happened." When really it has been over 2 months. Other things I found, I thought that it feels like forever since that has happened, and it has only been 2 months.  So in a way it feels like he hasn't been gone as long as he has, but in other ways it feels longer.

Though time is constant, it feels oddly variable to most people. Time never changes and yet it feels like it passes in spurts and lulls. With Ian gone, time passing is all I ask of life. Not that I am trying to miss everything that I have here in front of me. I want to experience the events with my kids and make real progress in life, but at the same time, I love it when I realize it is later in the week than I thought. When it feels like a Wednesday but is actually a Thursday.

I know that time never really speeds up or slows down. It is all in your head. It is all in how your days go and how busy you are. For me it is also wrapped up in my mood. If I am in a good mood, enjoying the days, and keeping busy, I am relatively happy and my days seem to fly by. When I am having a depressing kind of day, my pity party seems to drag on and on and brings the day to an excruciating crawl. Keeping my days at steady paces is the key to keeping time moving for me. That is my goal. That is what will help me through this.

The countdown to R&R is on! We are in the 2 month neighborhood now, and I am stoked! Actual dates still elude us, but even having the general idea of when he will be here has me all giddy. I am already trying to think about what I am going to wear when I pick him up and all the preparations the kids and I will make for his trip home. My sister, knowing how much I am looking forward to this, even gave me a gift for my birthday that I am to use to go shopping for a new outfit for when Ian comes home. She gave me strict instructions to only use it on myself, so it sits here, waiting for the right season of clothes to come out so I can get me a new outfit! I have a feeling that those two weeks prior to him getting here will be full of housekeeping, shopping, and mani/pedis!

Another day is done and I am now another day closer to seeing him again. The kids and I have another long weekend to make it through, but I know we will.... One step at a time.