A Letter to My Husband

I have been debating this post for quite some time. It is a very personal post but I felt that sharing it might just reach someone who has been in the same funk I have been in. I wrote this letter to my husband a few weeks ago because I felt he needed to hear it and I needed to say it. I know that for some time now I have had a problem with finding all the downsides to my life. I was really good at it and didn't fully appreciate my life. One night, I started thinking about the way our life used to be. We live paycheck to paycheck, taking out payday loans (yeah, we got sucked into that black hole), wondering if we were going to be able to pay our bills that month, and just overall struggling to make it. Even then, when we were struggling I was thankful for all that we had and the family me had. Thinking back though it made me realize how far we have come and how thankful I am for this life that I have been given. I realized just how blessed we have been and how much God has really helped us along. I am not saying my life is perfect or that we don't struggle. I am merely saying that I have chosen to be thankful. So, with that, here is my letter to my amazing husband.....

Hey there handsome,

 

How are you? I wanted to write you tonight because I have been thinking about something and wanted to tell you before I forgot to. Not that I could forget to tell you this particular thing because it is something that I need to tell you more often, but I know when we get to talking, things just get left out. So here it goes.......

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you for this amazing life you have provided for our family. I have always known I was lucky. Always. I have always known that God blessed me with you and our children. I have always known that our life together is a gift from God that I cannot take for granted (though admittedly, I have at times). I know that our life that is provided for our family is through God's grace and mercy and it is His hand that has guided us along the way.

 

All that being said, I still feel like I need/want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving so much of yourself in service to our family. You have worked tirelessly and thanklessly for a long time to provide for our family. Not just financially either, you have worked so hard to ensure that our kids and myself get the love and affection we need. You work so hard to make sure you are able to say "hi" and tell us you love us every day in one form or another. You get up early or stay up late just to talk to us (me mostly :-) because you know it is what we need, especially while you're deployed.

 

I am writing this because I know I don't say it enough. I know that I take the work that you do and the sacrifices you make for granted sometimes. I keep thinking that I do so much for this family and that does not leave me room to acknowledge what you do for our family. Well, I am going to right that because you deserve it.

 

I was thinking back to our early years as a newly-married couple and as a small family and remember the day to day struggles we faced. The times when we ate less so the kids could have more, or we would make our clothes last longer than they should have because we really couldn't afford more. The times when we drove cars that were falling apart and questionable on even the shortest trips to work. Back when we were robbing (or borrowing from) Peter to pay Paul. Then, I look at the life we have now: the beautiful house, the nice cars, clothes on our backs, food, TV, medical insurance, etc, and realize just how blessed we are. I realized that I have an amazing life where I can live simply and really not need anything more. I am blessed! You have blessed me as your wife and made it such an amazing journey to be on with you.

 

I know I am rambling a bit but I really want you to know just how thankful I am to have you as my husband and personal hero. You give to your family, your church, and your country. You have such an amazing heart and are always so loving and selfless. I feel like lately I have been in a bit of a downward spiral and have been complaining about a lot of things. I have found an issue with just about every aspect of my life: your deployment, the kids, my job, the house, the cars, the bills, etc. You name it, I have found an issue I can complain about... and I have complained. I just realized tonight that I really shouldn't complain because despite the struggles of the everyday stuff, there is so much more to be thankful for and to rejoice over than any of the bad things I can come up with.

 

I guess this letter is my way of saying thank you and I'm sorry in the same breath. I am sorry I have been negative lately and I am sorry I didn't say any of this sooner. I am making a honest commitment to be content in my life, to appreciate all that you have done for us, and to praise God through it all, even the storms. I am not a usual optimist (I know you know this), but I am going to make an honest effort to become one.

 

I hope this letter makes sense to you and that you know that I truly do love you and thank you for everything you have done for our family. I thank God every day for you and continue to pray for your safe return. Until you can feel my arms around your neck and my lips on yours, this will have to suffice XOXOXOXOXOXO :-) I love you and miss you more and more every day.

 

Loving you always,

Laura

My Health Scare

So, about a week ago I went to the doctor to ask about a spot on one of my breasts. I wasn't sure about it because it was a spot (not a lump), had been there for over 2 months and had grown. Needless to say, I was concerned when it didn't go away.

My dad and his fiancé were visiting for the week when I decided to go ahead and go see the doctor. She was nice and listened to my concerns. After the exam she threw out words like mammogram, ultrasound, and inflammatory breast cancer. All of these words immediately struck me with fear. I had heard of that type of cancer before and remembered it wasn't a "normal" kind. It was aggressive and difficult to diagnose. Of course she didn't know if that is what I had, but told me worst case scenario kind of things. I had to wait for a week to get the tests needed.

My first thought was if I should tell Ian or not. I was conflicted. On one hand, if I told him and it turned out to be nothing then I would be worrying him while he is downrange for nothing. On the other hand, if I didn't tell him until after I knew one way or another he would be furious with me. I knew he would want to know, as much as I would have wanted to know something like that about him no matter where I was. So I told him what the doctor said and what the next steps were that I had to take. To be perfectly honest, telling him was the best thing I could have done because then I knew I had my best friend behind me and I had him to talk me down a little. I had his support and his comfort, even if it was through the screen and speaker of my phone. It was still helpful and I wasn't hiding anything from him. I know he hated the fact that he couldn't have been here for me in person and it really bothered him. He was very adamant that no matter what time it was for him, I had to call him when I was done with my appointment to tell him what, if anything, they told me. I argued with him because I wanted him to get some sleep. I lost that argument and called him after the mammogram and ultrasound.

I learned a lot about a few people in my life. I learned that some of the most unlikely friends were willing to take time off work for me to come and be with me. One woman from work told me that she had some extra days she could donate to me if needed and that she could take the others to be with me, if I needed any extra treatment. She really touched my heart, even offering to come with me to the mammogram. She showed me God's love and she gave me an ear to bend. I was able to talk to her about my concerns and she was kind enough to let me talk brave, though she knew better. Another friend of mine actually did take off work to be with me, just in case I was told anything at the actual appointment. This is the first time I have ever had anything like this done, so I didn't know what to expect. She drove over to the hospital with me and sat in the waiting room with me before my appointment. In between the mammogram and the ultrasound I had to sit in the hall, where she was at, wearing my robe. She sat with me and made me laugh. She took my mind off of it all for a few minutes until it was time to go in for my ultrasound. She took time out of her day to be there for me, without a second of hesitation. Man, I didn't know the friends I have.

At the appointment, the radiologist put my mind at ease and said she didn't think it was inflammatory breast cancer just looking at the skin and the ultrasound. She explained what it would look like and what to watch for just in case, but she was almost certain. That eased my mind a lot. I was able to walk out of there with a relieved smile on my face and my friend was there to hug me and tell me that she knew all along that I would be ok. I still have to wait for the full report, but the biggest concern was ruled out. I called Ian and told him about it. He was obviously relieved. As soon as I told him what I was told, I told him to go to bed and that I would elaborate more when he woke up. I didn't get any resistance! :-)

Then, because I was ok and my appointment took less time than expected, I went back to work. I helped get the rest of my kids home and went to a meeting. I was able to tell my friend that I was ok and the relief on her face must have mirrored mine. I know she, like myself, had been worried and praying hard for me. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was.

This whole thing was kind of a surreal experience. I kept telling myself that I was ok and that I had nothing to worry about, but in the back of my mind I kept hearing myself saying "what if." Then to have this happen when Ian was deployed made it so much worse. Again, I was saying "what if" it is serious? What would this mean for Ian? For me? For our kids? I am thankful that the initial findings show it isn't the aggressive cancer we were concerned about.

I still have to figure out what it is, but that is another issue for another day and another doctor. For now, I am just thankful for the friends who supported me, the family who talked me down, and the husband that was there for me from 7,000 miles away. I know it was just a scare, but a scare is enough to show you what you should be thankful for and those around you that have your back.

Conceal, Don't Feel

I have been debating about this particular post for over a week now because I didn't want people to know my "weakness," but here it is. I surprised myself with writing and publishing this one, so I hope you like it, can relate, or at least mildly understand where I am going with this one......

So, I was driving to work last week and was listening to music on my phone when a new song came on. It was the song "Let it Go" from the movie "Frozen." I took the kids to see it the weekend before and we all loved it so much that I bought the soundtrack. I had heard the song a few times before this, but for some reason when I heard it this time it made me start crying. I couldn't figure it out. Why was I crying over a darn Disney song? Then I realized that as crazy as it sounds, I related to the song. She was singing my song. The girl singing it has concealed her "powers" for years and finally people saw her powers and her world around her fell apart. By no stretch of the imagination do I have powers to control ice and freeze things, but I do feel like I am her at times. Read the first verse:

 

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in; Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

I feel like I am that girl. I am concealing myself. Concealing how I feel, not showing people the real storm inside, always telling them I am okay when I'm not. I am always being the "good girl" everyone wants me to be: the loving, patient, faithful, waiting wife; the parent filling in the role of both mom and dad; the caring teacher; the sympathetic, caring friend. I am doing all of these things and on the outside (to the untrained eye) I am great. On the inside, however, I feel like I have a storm brewing and it is only a matter of time before it shows and my world falls apart too.

Don't let them in, don't let them see. Conceal, don't feel. That is the only way I know how to deal with it all. It is how I was taught, the way I have always done it. The movie, however, made a great point (spoiler alert). When she finally "let it go" she ended up isolating herself from everyone, including her sister who loved her. By the end of the movie she learned that concealing it wasn't the way to control it, opening your heart, loving, accepting yourself and accepting the love of those around you is the way to control the "storm." I think this is why I love this movie so much. It isn't often when a Disney movie can really teach me something. Most of the ones I grew up on were the generic fairy tales we have all heard a hundred times, where "Frozen" is a story I had never heard before with a moral that actually taught this teacher a thing or two. I know that I am always able to learn, we never stop learning, but it is the fact that I learned something in this most unlikely of places that really shocks me.

I am taking this lesson to heart. I am starting to open up. I am trying not to conceal myself from everyone. Does this mean that I am going to walk up to someone I don't know and tell them all that is going on and all that I feel? Ummmm, no. It does mean that I am starting to open up to those that are still left in my life that I know care. I am starting to talk to them about the storms, allowing them to talk me down or help me up. I am realizing that accepting the love from people around me is the only way I am going to make it through this deployment without being taken out by it. By letting people see the real me, what is really going on, it helps to teach me to manage it better and not waste the energy and pain trying to hide it.

Comparing deployments is like comparing kids

You read that right, comparing deployments is like comparing your kids. You just shouldn't do it. No matter what there are always differences between them and they never act the same. I find myself saying a lot that "this deployment is so much harder than the last one" or "Last time we were able to talk more" or "last deployment I wasn't nearly this stressed." I think I faked myself out thinking that since I had been through one, the second one should be a breeze. Man did I ever I set myself up!

Last deployment was hard because on the third day, I had to put down our very sick 10-year-old dachshund. Three months later our 15-year-old dachshund died. Plus my husband and I were still working on the whole communication thing and we weren't sure how much to tell and how much to hold back from each other. Once we got that sorted out, it got better. I am not saying that it was perfect or that I worried less, just that it got better. My job was a little easier and I had more freedoms with it. I also had the help of my amazing father for the first 4 months.

This time though has been a lot different on both sides of the ocean. Ian is doing a different job that has some crazy hours. I am working full time and my hours don't line up with his. Our communication is suffering a little. When I say that, I just mean that we aren't able to talk as much as we would like, but we are learning that in the times we can talk to each other that we have to make sure it counts. We are both really bad about writing emails because we want to make sure we have something to talk about when he calls. Plus, by the time either one of us has a few minutes to write, we are exhausted and heading to bed. So, we are instead doing small notes to each other in our emails to say we are missing each other and thinking about each other. It is a little thing, but I know when I receive those emails, they put a smile on my face and make my day a little better.

On my side of the ocean, it has been especially trying. I have had a lot of added responsibilities put on me at work, the kids have started with their deployment issues, I have had some health problems that cause me to miss work, and I have had some setbacks with some close friends. All of these and more have made the first two months of this deployment to be one for the books! I know I said you shouldn't, but this first two months have been so much harder than the first two months of the last deployment.

The work stuff I can handle because I am good at my job and failure is not an option. With my kids' behavior problems, I will help the kids pull through this too, just like I did last time. Rather, I should say Ian and I will help the kids pull through because he helps just as much in that department. The health issues are starting to iron out, which has helped a lot but I still have a few doctors appointments in my near future. The hardest part is the issues I have been having with my friends.

I feel like I am losing vital support at the time I need it most. I feel like no matter what I do, I am just going to be alone in this deployment. Don't get me wrong, I have my family whom I can call anytime I need it and I love them for that! I have a few awesome co-worker friends who are there for me. It is just that I lost a few friends not long ago because of being busy and my inability to call them. Which I take full responsibility for and kick myself daily for. After losing them, I thought it was just a fluke, that maybe it was just that I wasn't enough for those friends but I still had other fantastic friends who accepted me and all my shortcomings. Then, I recently have had a few setbacks with another close friend. This one made me wonder if it is me. Am I really that bad of a friend?

I used to think I was a good friend. Even if I didn't call all the time, if you ever called and said you needed me or needed something that was within my power to get/do, I would jump right on it for you. If you called and needed to talk, I was there. If you needed me to come over in the middle of the night for an emergency, I would without hesitation. My friends KNEW I would be there for them no matter what. So, what has changed that I have lost so many? What is it about me that makes my friends think that I no longer care or am no longer worth their time? I don't know. I know I can get wrapped up in my own daily life and am bad at calling and forget to set up play dates. Most days, I forget to eat because I am so overwhelmed, and I definitely forget to call even my own parents. They jokingly say they were wondering if I were still alive because it had been a while since they heard from me. They saw my sporadic Facebook posts and knew all was ok, but still, I have to work harder at calling them more often too.

I know I am rambling a bit, but even though I have been here in this area for longer than when Ian deployed last time, I feel like I am even more alone than before. It really sucks because I thought I had the deployment already beat this time with the support system that we had built over the last 2 1/2 years, but I am slowly seeing it start to crumble. I know I don't have an option but to drive on and survive this deployment, but it sure is getting harder by the day. It is amazing how much losing a friend can really hurt you in a normal situation, but in the middle of a deployment it feels 1,000 times worse. I pray daily that it is just a bump in the road and that everything will iron out, but I guess only time will tell.

I won't allow myself to be beaten down. NO MATTER WHAT I AM SURVIVING THIS DEPLOYMENT! My husband will have someone here who is worth coming home to. No matter what happens with my friends, my husband and kids are my priority and I won't allow anything to come between that.

To all my friends and family reading this, please know that I am thankful daily that you are still in my life and thank you for the support you give my family and me, even if from afar.

Missing Milestones

When you think about a deployment you immediately think about all the things the soldier will miss. All the holidays, birthdays, recitals, games, etc. that he will miss and it can be upsetting. Even in our last deployment that was our (and I say our because Ian and I both felt this way) biggest concern, how much Ian would miss in the year he was gone. To be honest, that was our main concern for this deployment... Until now.

I realized today that I have missed a big event in Ian's life. It didn't register until I saw a picture of Ian reenlisting in Afghanistan in front of an American flag, without me there. I was insanely proud of him, but I wasn't there for it. I have been there from day one. I have been there for every promotion ceremony and every reenlistment ceremony. So, seeing a picture of him reenlisting without me in it was surprisingly upsetting. I know it is a fact of the Army life, but I didn't realize how upset I would be about missing something like that. It is a big deal for me. I love being there for him and being a supportive part of his military career. I love that I have been there to watch his career progress and his commitment to the Army continue. I really wished I was there for it this time. I wish I could have been able to stand next to him as he raised his right hand and swore to defend our country for 4 more years. I wish I could have been there to see it, to hear it, and to hug him afterwards and tell him how proud I was of him. I know I can say that now, through the computer, but it just isn't the same. I just didn't realize what milestones I would be missing out on. It was quite the eye opener for me today. It gave me a small insight into exactly how Ian must be feeling when he sees the pictures of our milestones without him in them.

To my husband: I am so proud of you and the amazing man, husband, father, and soldier that you are. I am sorry I wasn't there but I hope you know how much I wish I was there and how insanely proud of you I am . I have been given a glimpse and can begin to understand how missing as much as you do can be so hard, but you do it because you love us and love your country. I love you with all my heart and will always be standing behind you cheering you on..... Even from 7,000 miles away. I love you! ~Laura

Would a break really help my frustration level? I doubt it.

This is a post about my frustration level. So, let that be your warning now.

I have been having a lot of issues with being overly stressed and frustrated lately. I just keep having setback after setback. I can't seem to get a break and be able to take a chance to calm my nerves.

Let me explain what happened today to make me so frustrated. To start, I had a horrible day at work. In general it was just a frustrating day with everything I had to deal with and I feel like it just got worse from one minute to the next. Then after school, I had to deal with my own kids coming into my room, messing it up and creating chaos. They have been having this nasty habit of coming in my room and playing with EVERYTHING and messing it up completely. I have been trying hard to get them to understand that my classroom is not their personal playground. Though, to give them a bit of grace, it is rough being at school all day and then having to stay there for even longer while your mom works on her classroom stuff. They want to keep busy and I get that. I just want them to understand that my room has to be left relatively intact.

I was just at the end of my rope by the end of the day already. Then I got so frustrated with them because when I had to answer my phone to talk to a parent, I told them to be quiet because I had to take that call. However, when I started talking to the parent, my kids went nuts! They started yelling at each other and running around behind me! I was so upset with them. After I was done with the phone call, I made my kids sit in almost complete silence. They had to realize that the way they act is unacceptable.

So, on my way home, I thought to myself that I could use a break. Then I realized that a break wouldn't really help me. My issues would be right there when I came home. My son's behavior problems, daughters' attitudes, work issues, keeping my home clean, etc.... I have no one to defer to and ask for help with these issues and all those problems will be waiting for me when I get done with my "break."  Even while taking my "break" I am usually talking or thinking about my issues and trying to figure out how to fix it. I just don't see a benefit to taking the night off, getting a sitter to take care of the kids and spending all that money. Maybe that is the frustration talking, but all I see is an hour away from the family and then having to deal with just as much, or maybe even more depending on Daniel's behavior, when I come back. The rational side of me knows I need a break and need to take a deep breath, but I guess the irrational side is the one winning out right now. Who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and it will actually help. One can hope at least.

Seeing the signs

I know my kids miss their dad. That is a given. They miss him so much because he has always been that dad who is there for everything and misses nothing if he can help it. He is the dad that is reading to them, tucking them into bed, and playing with them in whatever sport they want him to play. He is the loving dad that gives great hugs and uses the words "I love you" frequently. There is definitely a lot to miss about him.

I knew they missed him, but it is the little things that are said or the little signs they give off that show the true feelings they have. Natalie is a daddy's girl and has always taken Ian's absences hard. Always. She misses him instantly and even before he leaves, she misses him. For the most part you can read her like a book. The other day, however, she just stopped in to say hi and give the school counselor a hug (she's been out on maternity leave until just recently). So she said hi, gave her a hug, and then started just talking about anything and everything (she gets that from me.... it's a gift). As she is talking, out of nowhere she starts crying and the real feelings start coming out. I was happy that she had someone to talk to other than me because I know how important it is to have someone else outside the situation tell you that it is ok to have the feelings you have.

Daniel, on the other hand, is showing a little differently. He is starting in the typical behavior issues and problems at school and home. We are working on it slowly but surely. The thing that he said tonight made me really realize how much his dad being gone is really bothering him. He told me he is building a robot (out of scrap pieces of cardboard... yup, he's a boy) and has been taking pieces of cardboard up to his room (he keeps asking me for a knife... ummm, no). So tonight he was talking about all the pieces to his robot and says that this month his robot will be a daddy robot. Then says, "Wait no, it will be for the whole year." That little statement showed me just how much he misses dad.

I am trying to help them through, and Ian is too, but sometimes I don't know what I can do to help. I am grateful for the people we have in our lives, like our pastor, friends, and my coworkers, that are always so willing to talk to the kids and play with them. They help more than I think they could ever know. Sometimes, mom listening just doesn't cut it. They need to tell someone else to feel validated. When they talk to me, well of course I am going to say they have every right to be sad or miss their daddy because I miss him too. When someone else outside the situation says that then it must be ok because they don't really miss Ian like we do. So it makes them feel better.

I am starting to realize that I need to watch out for these signs more because they aren't always so obvious. If I can see the subtle signs, then maybe I can help them or know of someone who can. Well, at least that is my latest goal. :-)

Proudly, I tell you all we have made it through a month. It has been a hard fought battle on our end, but we have come through the first month. We are taking it a day at a time and working hard on successfully making it through this one.