Raising girls to become young ladies is tough. Doing it without your husband and away from your family is even tougher. I have realized that I really need to start dealing with the "coming of age" stuff with my oldest daughter and have really been dreading it. So, with my mom and step-dad here, I took the opportunity to leave the kids with my step-dad and go to the store with my mom. We got Easter basket stuff and were able just to talk about a lot of things. I needed her advice and for some reason talking over the phone wasn't good enough. So we talked about the girl stuff and how to talk to my daughters. I also asked her advice about how I am doing as a mom myself. I just don't know if I am doing a good enough job sometimes. I also wonder if I am a little to strict and over protective. It was nice to hear my mom tell me that she thought I was doing a great job with my kids. She told me that they are telling her of the great times and the discipline they get from me, both done well according to my mom. She told me that the past two nights with them have been really fun and that they are well-behaved children.
As far as the over protective thing, she told me that I was overprotective in the right ways. I shield them from bad movies and TV shows. I monitor what they do on the computer and watch them as they play outside. The nature of our culture now is hard to deal with as a parent. Kids are exposed to a lot more than I was at their age, and they are still just kids. I don't care what generation they are growing up in, they are kids who don't need to see blood and guts and sex. They need to be shielded, and my mom thought I was doing well at that too.
This deployment has made me very self-conscious as a parent because I am the only one to discipline the kids everyday. I am the only one that sees them everyday and sees how they react and behave. I don't have anyone to hand over the discipline to and ask for help. I can ask for advice, but it is hard when those people are so far away. Hearing my mom tell me that my kids are great made me feel a little better. My mom is not one to sugar coat things. If my kids were terrible and misbehaving, she would be the first one to tell me so and would tell me to get it figured out. She wouldn't tell me that my kids are good kids unless it is true. I know I can trust her judgement because she is invested in my kids and spends time with them (over the phone, Skype, and in person). She wants them to grow up to be good citizens just as much as I do.
My husband will be home soon, and then I can bounce discipline a little easier off of him. I can lean on him for support too. Soon, but not soon enough.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Day 276: Without Ian at home
Today was a great day with my parents. I went and picked them up and came back here. My step-dad was awesome enough to help me out by changing my oil and helping me replace some light bulbs. After that we went back to the hotel and swimming in the indoor pool. While I was sitting in the hot tub, I got to catch up with my mom and talked about anything we could think of. It was a great time. The kids really had a blast with my parents and loved slashing around in front of them. Then we came back home and had dinner.
While my mom and I were preparing dinner, I asked her a question that I had been curious about. I asked her if it seemed weird for her to not have Ian here with me. I mostly wondered if it felt foreign to anyone else, anyone outside my daily life. I wondered if it would feel foreign to her even though she knew he was deployed long before she got here. She said it actually did. It was weird not having Ian here because when she pictured my home, Ian was in that picture.
I know what she means. Ian and I just had that conversation a few days ago. We exclaimed that we couldn't believe we moved here a year ago come next month. He asked if it felt like home to me. I told him no, that it didn't feel like home yet. It still feels like some foreign place that I am just a visitor in. He then told me that when he pictures home, he pictures the kids and me right here. He doesn't picture our last home or our hometown, he pictures us here. That made me feel good because at least when he gets back, he will feel like he is home and hopefully that will make him happy. He asked me why I felt like this wasn't home. The best I could say was that it was because he wasn't here. It just isn't home without him. I have set up a whole life here without him because we had only gotten here 2 months before he deployed. Now, I am just waiting for him to come back to help make it a home. I think once he is home it will feel more complete than it does now and I will finally be able to accept that this is home.
While my mom and I were preparing dinner, I asked her a question that I had been curious about. I asked her if it seemed weird for her to not have Ian here with me. I mostly wondered if it felt foreign to anyone else, anyone outside my daily life. I wondered if it would feel foreign to her even though she knew he was deployed long before she got here. She said it actually did. It was weird not having Ian here because when she pictured my home, Ian was in that picture.
I know what she means. Ian and I just had that conversation a few days ago. We exclaimed that we couldn't believe we moved here a year ago come next month. He asked if it felt like home to me. I told him no, that it didn't feel like home yet. It still feels like some foreign place that I am just a visitor in. He then told me that when he pictures home, he pictures the kids and me right here. He doesn't picture our last home or our hometown, he pictures us here. That made me feel good because at least when he gets back, he will feel like he is home and hopefully that will make him happy. He asked me why I felt like this wasn't home. The best I could say was that it was because he wasn't here. It just isn't home without him. I have set up a whole life here without him because we had only gotten here 2 months before he deployed. Now, I am just waiting for him to come back to help make it a home. I think once he is home it will feel more complete than it does now and I will finally be able to accept that this is home.
Day 275: Visitation and relaxation
03/24/2012
Today has been a great but busy day. This morning I went to the reintegration training in preparation for Ian coming home. I was able to get the girls to their camp this morning before going to the training, so the only one I had to have with me was Daniel. I was really surprised, he did really well. He behaved the whole time and kept himself entertained with the various things I brought for him. At the end of the training, he knew he would start talking to the various soldiers and proceeded to entertain them with his usual antics. It was fun to watch and listen to and the soldier thought it was funny.
After the training, I came home and Daniel and I worked on some of the house and got bags packed for him and the girls to stay the night with their grandpa and grandma. Then we went and picked up the girls and drove to meet my parents halfway between the airport and us for dinner. It was a great little reunion and the kids had a blast. Once we got back on the road, the kids rode with my parents and I drove back by myself. We got to the hotel and the kids were excited to be able to hang out. I left them a little while later and went to the movies with a friend. It was fun and relaxing. It was the first night away from the kids in mover a month and it was much needed. So, here I am, settling into bed, it is quiet and I am alone in the house. I am going to get up in the morning and head back out to the hotel to spend the day with my parents. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with my mom.
We are getting closer everyday to seeing my husband again. It is great to see that time really is passing and we are almost there.
Today has been a great but busy day. This morning I went to the reintegration training in preparation for Ian coming home. I was able to get the girls to their camp this morning before going to the training, so the only one I had to have with me was Daniel. I was really surprised, he did really well. He behaved the whole time and kept himself entertained with the various things I brought for him. At the end of the training, he knew he would start talking to the various soldiers and proceeded to entertain them with his usual antics. It was fun to watch and listen to and the soldier thought it was funny.
After the training, I came home and Daniel and I worked on some of the house and got bags packed for him and the girls to stay the night with their grandpa and grandma. Then we went and picked up the girls and drove to meet my parents halfway between the airport and us for dinner. It was a great little reunion and the kids had a blast. Once we got back on the road, the kids rode with my parents and I drove back by myself. We got to the hotel and the kids were excited to be able to hang out. I left them a little while later and went to the movies with a friend. It was fun and relaxing. It was the first night away from the kids in mover a month and it was much needed. So, here I am, settling into bed, it is quiet and I am alone in the house. I am going to get up in the morning and head back out to the hotel to spend the day with my parents. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with my mom.
We are getting closer everyday to seeing my husband again. It is great to see that time really is passing and we are almost there.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Day 274: They aren't all home yet!
03/23/2012
At the post I live at, a lot of soldiers stationed here came home from Iraq and those who didn't come home from Iraq are in Kuwait. What is bothering me is that everyone is acting like all of our soldiers are home. Well, they aren't. There are still a lot of soldiers in harms way, deployed to Afghanistan and some still in Kuwait away from their loved ones. There are still families without their soldiers and children missing their daddies/mommies. Support is still needed. I was happy to see that my children's schools are not cutting back their Club USA, a club for kids of deployed soldiers where they can talk about what is going on and get some coping techniques. They know that the need is less, but still there. Instead, to accommodate those kids whose parents just got back, they are starting up a reintegration part of the club. There they can talk about the stresses of having a parent come back from war versus having a parent currently in the war. I think it is a great thing.
It just bothers me when people look at me and ask why my husband is still gone. I tell them, as nicely as I can muster, that he is still deployed in Afghanistan. I tell them that not all the soldiers came home, that there are still soldiers deployed. I even inform them that not even all the soldiers who were in Iraq came home, some are still in Kuwait to finish their year-long tour. So, no, not everyone is home. Those who are still over there need our support, and those who are home need it too. I feel like we are starting to forget, we as a nation are starting to forget those who are over there, those who are home, those who served and are now civilians, those who were wounded, and most of all, those we lost in battle. Should we ever forget our military and those who laid down their lives for our freedoms, we will no longer be a free nation worth living in. So, tonight, whether you are associated with the military or not, remember all those who came before us, and those we currently have serving, as well as those who are to follow us. Remember their sacrifice, remember that they put their country before themselves. Support our troops currently over there, because your support helps them get through hell.
On the bright side, my mom and step-dad are coming to visit tomorrow and I am so excited. It has been almost a year and a half since we have seen them, and I have really missed them.
At the post I live at, a lot of soldiers stationed here came home from Iraq and those who didn't come home from Iraq are in Kuwait. What is bothering me is that everyone is acting like all of our soldiers are home. Well, they aren't. There are still a lot of soldiers in harms way, deployed to Afghanistan and some still in Kuwait away from their loved ones. There are still families without their soldiers and children missing their daddies/mommies. Support is still needed. I was happy to see that my children's schools are not cutting back their Club USA, a club for kids of deployed soldiers where they can talk about what is going on and get some coping techniques. They know that the need is less, but still there. Instead, to accommodate those kids whose parents just got back, they are starting up a reintegration part of the club. There they can talk about the stresses of having a parent come back from war versus having a parent currently in the war. I think it is a great thing.
It just bothers me when people look at me and ask why my husband is still gone. I tell them, as nicely as I can muster, that he is still deployed in Afghanistan. I tell them that not all the soldiers came home, that there are still soldiers deployed. I even inform them that not even all the soldiers who were in Iraq came home, some are still in Kuwait to finish their year-long tour. So, no, not everyone is home. Those who are still over there need our support, and those who are home need it too. I feel like we are starting to forget, we as a nation are starting to forget those who are over there, those who are home, those who served and are now civilians, those who were wounded, and most of all, those we lost in battle. Should we ever forget our military and those who laid down their lives for our freedoms, we will no longer be a free nation worth living in. So, tonight, whether you are associated with the military or not, remember all those who came before us, and those we currently have serving, as well as those who are to follow us. Remember their sacrifice, remember that they put their country before themselves. Support our troops currently over there, because your support helps them get through hell.
On the bright side, my mom and step-dad are coming to visit tomorrow and I am so excited. It has been almost a year and a half since we have seen them, and I have really missed them.
Day 273: Trapped
03/22/2012
Today was a rough day at work, the only bright spot in my day being a phone call from a camp director telling me that my girls can be dropped off early so I can make the reintegration training that is supposed to start at the same time. It was awesome because if I couldn't drop them off an hour early, they would not have been able to go. So, that was about it for the good portions of my day.
My day at work was hard and was overall a difficult day. When I came home, my day got a lot worse. I came home to find a warning on my door telling me that I needed to have my lawn mowed and weeded by 3pm tomorrow. If I did not have my lawn mowed by 3pm, I was going to get a citation AND a $45 force cut fine. So, I called the number on it to talk to the person who issued the citation. I told her that my husband was deployed, I don't own a lawn mower, and I work full-time as a teacher on post. I told her that I don't have enough time to get to the self-help store to borrow a lawn mower and asked her nicely if I could have a 1 day extension. She told me no, but said she had a soldier right there that could do it for me for $20 to avoid a citation, and handed him the phone. I felt so trapped! I had no choice but to say yes and pay him. I was so upset that they wouldn't even give me a day to get to the weekend so I could actually do it. Then saw he was a Sergeant and brought our 2 lower ranking soldiers to help him. It all just sat wrong with me. Then, before he left, he asked me not to say anything about this to the Sergeant First Class that was over him. Which told me that what he was doing was shady. So, yeah, I was so mad and upset that I had been treated like this and had not been given a chance, especially given the fact that my husband is deployed. I don't expect special treatment in the way that I feel like I should be above the rules, but it would be nice to have some leeway in the area of extra time to get me to a weekend.
So, yeah, it was just a bad ending to a bad day. I can't wait until they start back up the mowing program for deployed spouses. It helps a lot. Luckily it starts next week! Yay!
Today was a rough day at work, the only bright spot in my day being a phone call from a camp director telling me that my girls can be dropped off early so I can make the reintegration training that is supposed to start at the same time. It was awesome because if I couldn't drop them off an hour early, they would not have been able to go. So, that was about it for the good portions of my day.
My day at work was hard and was overall a difficult day. When I came home, my day got a lot worse. I came home to find a warning on my door telling me that I needed to have my lawn mowed and weeded by 3pm tomorrow. If I did not have my lawn mowed by 3pm, I was going to get a citation AND a $45 force cut fine. So, I called the number on it to talk to the person who issued the citation. I told her that my husband was deployed, I don't own a lawn mower, and I work full-time as a teacher on post. I told her that I don't have enough time to get to the self-help store to borrow a lawn mower and asked her nicely if I could have a 1 day extension. She told me no, but said she had a soldier right there that could do it for me for $20 to avoid a citation, and handed him the phone. I felt so trapped! I had no choice but to say yes and pay him. I was so upset that they wouldn't even give me a day to get to the weekend so I could actually do it. Then saw he was a Sergeant and brought our 2 lower ranking soldiers to help him. It all just sat wrong with me. Then, before he left, he asked me not to say anything about this to the Sergeant First Class that was over him. Which told me that what he was doing was shady. So, yeah, I was so mad and upset that I had been treated like this and had not been given a chance, especially given the fact that my husband is deployed. I don't expect special treatment in the way that I feel like I should be above the rules, but it would be nice to have some leeway in the area of extra time to get me to a weekend.
So, yeah, it was just a bad ending to a bad day. I can't wait until they start back up the mowing program for deployed spouses. It helps a lot. Luckily it starts next week! Yay!
Day 272: Emotional roller coaster
It is with a heavy heart that I learned today that a brave American soldier lost his 11 month battle against a sniper's shot to the neck. I have mentioned him in this blog before and I have been following his story for a while. I way really praying for him and his family, hoping he would continue his fight and pull through it all. He was the one I cried over a few days ago, but was told he was okay... and he was at the time, but his body was starting to slowly shut down. I was so relieved when I was told that he was okay, and then when I heard this today, I was again brought to tears. I know he is not feeling any pain now, but I am still sad for his family to have lost their hero. His wife and children, parents and friends, all lost an amazingly strong man though they will never forget him.
His wife has kept a Facebook page devoted to garnering support and prayers for her husband during his recovery. Her strength has amazed me since the first day I started reading their updates. I don't know if she will ever know the impact she had on so many. By sharing her story with so many of us, it has taught us to continue to be ever faithful no matter the situation, and to always be happy with what you have. She said today that she is trying not to be sad for what she doesn't have, but instead is happy that her husband made it home from the war and that they all got to spend this last 11 months, though hard, with him. It was a gift that she wouldn't have traded for anything. She knows we all have a path to lead, and she is leading it the best she can, with God's help. Now, she has another angel, strong and brave, to watch over her.
Rest in Peace SGT Jamie Jarboe. You are greatly missed and will never be forgotten. You are a true American hero, and you family will be well looked after by a grateful nation.
His wife has kept a Facebook page devoted to garnering support and prayers for her husband during his recovery. Her strength has amazed me since the first day I started reading their updates. I don't know if she will ever know the impact she had on so many. By sharing her story with so many of us, it has taught us to continue to be ever faithful no matter the situation, and to always be happy with what you have. She said today that she is trying not to be sad for what she doesn't have, but instead is happy that her husband made it home from the war and that they all got to spend this last 11 months, though hard, with him. It was a gift that she wouldn't have traded for anything. She knows we all have a path to lead, and she is leading it the best she can, with God's help. Now, she has another angel, strong and brave, to watch over her.
Rest in Peace SGT Jamie Jarboe. You are greatly missed and will never be forgotten. You are a true American hero, and you family will be well looked after by a grateful nation.
Day 271: Funny but true
03/20/2012
Thought I would share this. It is titled the second week of deployment. It is OH SO TRUE! Enjoy.
Thought I would share this. It is titled the second week of deployment. It is OH SO TRUE! Enjoy.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Day 270: Back in the Groove
Today was the first day back from spring break. It was both good to be back, and yet the week-long break did not seem like enough. During that break I had also gotten used to talking to my husband at any time of the day and he wasn't having to worry about waking up early in order to talk to us. It was great in that way. I was also able to run a lot of the errands I needed to, though with my kids, and it made me realize just how much time I spend at work and how much I can get done during the day without worrying about doing it after school. I was also able to get to the doctors for a checkup and for refills on my medications. Basically, I got a lot done.
Being at work today, I can't help but realize that there are a ton of things I need to do, but can't do it until after work. As I am typing right now, we are having a massive storm. It started around 8pm (though the news predicted it would start around 6pm), and is supposed to pack quite a punch. So, to get ready for it, I decided to go and get a few things right after school and before it hit. I needed to get rain boots for the kids and me so we could have them for tomorrow at school. I also needed to get a few things for a box that I need to send out to Ian and something to stake down the trampoline, just in case. I made a lot of stops trying to find everything I needed. By the time I got home, it was around 7 and just starting to sprinkle. by the time I got the kids to bed, the storm was just starting to come it. I still had to stake down the trampoline, and ended up doing it in the rain. Once that was done, I came inside and listened to the rain. It really was a bad storm. One lightning strike hit so close that the flash and boom hit at the same time and actually shook my sliding glass door.
It is another one of those nights where I miss my husband. I am terrified that we will end up getting a tornado, the warning siren will come over the speakers, and I will not wake up to hear it. I am not a really heavy sleeper, and yet, I am. I think I will probably wake up to that, but am not completely sure of it. Ian, on the other hand, can wake up to anything. I know he will catch whatever I miss and I know he will wake me up if the need arises.
So, I am going to bed tonight, knowing I won't sleep well because of the storm and because I am worried that I won't wake up if needed if I fall into a deep sleep. This falls into the category of Ian and me being a great pair and especially the part where he steps in and helps in the areas that I am weak in, and vice versa. Not long now until my husband is home and we are back to complimenting the weak areas for each other.
Being at work today, I can't help but realize that there are a ton of things I need to do, but can't do it until after work. As I am typing right now, we are having a massive storm. It started around 8pm (though the news predicted it would start around 6pm), and is supposed to pack quite a punch. So, to get ready for it, I decided to go and get a few things right after school and before it hit. I needed to get rain boots for the kids and me so we could have them for tomorrow at school. I also needed to get a few things for a box that I need to send out to Ian and something to stake down the trampoline, just in case. I made a lot of stops trying to find everything I needed. By the time I got home, it was around 7 and just starting to sprinkle. by the time I got the kids to bed, the storm was just starting to come it. I still had to stake down the trampoline, and ended up doing it in the rain. Once that was done, I came inside and listened to the rain. It really was a bad storm. One lightning strike hit so close that the flash and boom hit at the same time and actually shook my sliding glass door.
It is another one of those nights where I miss my husband. I am terrified that we will end up getting a tornado, the warning siren will come over the speakers, and I will not wake up to hear it. I am not a really heavy sleeper, and yet, I am. I think I will probably wake up to that, but am not completely sure of it. Ian, on the other hand, can wake up to anything. I know he will catch whatever I miss and I know he will wake me up if the need arises.
So, I am going to bed tonight, knowing I won't sleep well because of the storm and because I am worried that I won't wake up if needed if I fall into a deep sleep. This falls into the category of Ian and me being a great pair and especially the part where he steps in and helps in the areas that I am weak in, and vice versa. Not long now until my husband is home and we are back to complimenting the weak areas for each other.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Day 269: Showcase
I was driving around today and saw an Army wife with some stickers all over her car. One was a family sticker, you know the kind... they show the mom, dad, kids and animals. It showed the dad as a soldier and showed the basic ages of her kids, showing she had a child, toddler, and baby. Then she had a sticker that said support our troops, which is definitely okay. Then there was a sticker showing a rank of Staff Sergeant. Lastly she had a sticker that said "Half my heart is in Afghanistan." She basically made me want to pull my car over, get her out of her car, and slap some sense into her. With all those stickers on her car, I was able to make a few conjectures that a common criminal could do and could easily exploit it. First, I know that her husband is a Staff Sergeant in the Army which means that even if he is home, he is an NCO that is responsible for a lot, meaning late nights at work. I also know that she has three small kids. Lastly, I saw that her husband is currently deployed. I got all of this information off of the stickers she has on the back of her car.
It is a scary thing to think of what information you are giving people just based off the stickers on your car that are meant to show pride in the life you have, but it is a real threat. I just don't understand putting that kind of information out there for everyone to see, especially when your husband, and defender, is halfway across the world at the moment. It is why I cringe every time I see those stickers on the back of a car. I try to tell newer wives that it may seem like you are showing pride in your husband/life, but really you are giving out a lot of information. I even try to avoid talking about Ian being deployed when I am out in public just because I don't want the wrong person to overhear and know that they can follow me home to an empty house. It may sound a bit paranoid, but I see it as more of a personal security thing that helps to keep my kids and me safe. So, think twice before you buy those cutesy stickers and think of the story you are telling people who look at your car.
On another note, this has been the busiest spring break ever. And not in the fun way, the work way. I decided since I was off that I would take on a few cakes, but then ended up taking on two more. It wasn't a bad thing, because I haven't decorated in a while and it was fun to get my creative juices flowing. So, I worked on one cake last weekend and three cakes this weekend. All of my cakes turned out pretty good, though three of the four were volunteer cakes made for an organization I volunteer for. The fourth one, and the hardest, was for a friend's kid's birthday. I let my creative side outdo reason. Basically, the cake was a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. Well, it looked really cool, only problem is that the rainbow didn't stay together. So, I had to take it off and improvise. It still looked good, but I really wanted that rainbow to work. The upside was that my friend wasn't made and still loved it, plus I learned a thing or two from it. Here are some pictures of the cakes.
It is a scary thing to think of what information you are giving people just based off the stickers on your car that are meant to show pride in the life you have, but it is a real threat. I just don't understand putting that kind of information out there for everyone to see, especially when your husband, and defender, is halfway across the world at the moment. It is why I cringe every time I see those stickers on the back of a car. I try to tell newer wives that it may seem like you are showing pride in your husband/life, but really you are giving out a lot of information. I even try to avoid talking about Ian being deployed when I am out in public just because I don't want the wrong person to overhear and know that they can follow me home to an empty house. It may sound a bit paranoid, but I see it as more of a personal security thing that helps to keep my kids and me safe. So, think twice before you buy those cutesy stickers and think of the story you are telling people who look at your car.
On another note, this has been the busiest spring break ever. And not in the fun way, the work way. I decided since I was off that I would take on a few cakes, but then ended up taking on two more. It wasn't a bad thing, because I haven't decorated in a while and it was fun to get my creative juices flowing. So, I worked on one cake last weekend and three cakes this weekend. All of my cakes turned out pretty good, though three of the four were volunteer cakes made for an organization I volunteer for. The fourth one, and the hardest, was for a friend's kid's birthday. I let my creative side outdo reason. Basically, the cake was a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out of it. Well, it looked really cool, only problem is that the rainbow didn't stay together. So, I had to take it off and improvise. It still looked good, but I really wanted that rainbow to work. The upside was that my friend wasn't made and still loved it, plus I learned a thing or two from it. Here are some pictures of the cakes.
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| With the Rainbow intact. |
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| How I salvaged it...It looked better in person |
Friday, March 16, 2012
Day 268: Pleasantly misinformed
I was upset last night because I was told that a soldier I knew had died yesterday. I was told by a friend who was close to him and believed her. It wasn't her fault, she was told by a "reputable source." Come to find out this morning that he is just fine! It made my day to hear it. I was slightly perturbed that we were misinformed, but the happiness that the information was wrong greatly outweighed any other feelings.
I am a mostly "seasoned" army wife. My husband has been in the military for over 8 years, and I have been by his side every step of the way. I learned early to avoid rumor mills, and for the most part do well at it. I don't consider it a rumor mill with what happened yesterday, I think it was honest misinformation. It wasn't gossip or what-ifs. It was an honest mistake, a big mistake, but an honest one. I normally wouldn't have written anything like I did last night until I was able to verify it, but I was so overwhelmed that I wrote about it. Even though the news was wrong, the feelings there were not. I am beyond happy that the soldier is doing well and is still on the road to recovery, but I still feel the urge to have my husband home in my arms. I still want to hold him tight and hug him with all the strength in my arms. I am still lonely and still sad that he is away. I still, in my heart, wish he were home with me, though I know in my mind that this is his duty to be in Afghanistan and that he will come home when his tour is done. I know it is my duty to hold on and wait for him. It is my duty to support him from here and hold down the homefront for him. I
know no amount of wishing will bring him home any sooner, so I will just have to be patient and keep my prayers going for his safe return.
For those of my friends and family whom I worried, I apologize. I did not mean to worry you all and I hope you all know that if it was anything that I couldn't handle or anything that was personal, I would have contacted you directly. Thank you for caring about me and thank you for those of you who checked on me today to see if I was okay. I love you all for that.
I am a mostly "seasoned" army wife. My husband has been in the military for over 8 years, and I have been by his side every step of the way. I learned early to avoid rumor mills, and for the most part do well at it. I don't consider it a rumor mill with what happened yesterday, I think it was honest misinformation. It wasn't gossip or what-ifs. It was an honest mistake, a big mistake, but an honest one. I normally wouldn't have written anything like I did last night until I was able to verify it, but I was so overwhelmed that I wrote about it. Even though the news was wrong, the feelings there were not. I am beyond happy that the soldier is doing well and is still on the road to recovery, but I still feel the urge to have my husband home in my arms. I still want to hold him tight and hug him with all the strength in my arms. I am still lonely and still sad that he is away. I still, in my heart, wish he were home with me, though I know in my mind that this is his duty to be in Afghanistan and that he will come home when his tour is done. I know it is my duty to hold on and wait for him. It is my duty to support him from here and hold down the homefront for him. I
know no amount of wishing will bring him home any sooner, so I will just have to be patient and keep my prayers going for his safe return.
For those of my friends and family whom I worried, I apologize. I did not mean to worry you all and I hope you all know that if it was anything that I couldn't handle or anything that was personal, I would have contacted you directly. Thank you for caring about me and thank you for those of you who checked on me today to see if I was okay. I love you all for that.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Day 267: Tough news
Tonight I received some sad news which I am not able to fully share right now, but it has hit me harder than I expected. It made tonight a lot harder than it initially should/would have been. With this news, I cried. I cried for the family that is dealing with this tragedy, I cried for the loss of such a remarkable human being, and I cried for myself and my husband. I wanted nothing more tonight than to hold my husband and tell him how much I love him, but I couldn't. I sat here, alone in my house crying, waiting for his call. When the call came it was too short to be able to talk to him about it and tell him what was wrong with me. It isn't something that would affect him because he doesn't know the family, but it affects me, so I know it will affect him a little. I will have more of a chance to talk to him tomorrow morning about it all. So, tonight, I am going to have to push through it and keep my prayers going for the family. I will have to settle with holding Ian's picture, knowing I just talked to him, in place of holding him. I know we are getting close, but when something like this happens, it makes the time we have left seem like an eternity. I want to hold him now, not 3 months from now... Now! Just another thing that sucks about deployment. When you need them, they are not here. When you need the physical touch and consoling, he is not here. This is where your strength has to kick in. This is where the Army wife characteristics start to show. This is where we come together as a Army family and as Army wives to help each other get through the hard times. This is where we show what we are made of and show just how tough we are.
Another day is done, and we are getting closer... So much closer. I just have to hold on a little while longer, and then he will be home and we can pick up where we left off.
Another day is done, and we are getting closer... So much closer. I just have to hold on a little while longer, and then he will be home and we can pick up where we left off.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 266: Life after deployment
I have been having a lot of daydreams today. I saw a picture of a friend of mine's husband reenlisting and it made me think of the time when Ian reenlisted. Then I started thinking about how long I have until Ian comes home and what it will be like to have him home. The weird part is that I know what it will be like, yet I don't. It has been so long since he has been here for any length of time that I don't know what it will be like. I know that at first it will be amazing and I will be insanely happy that he will be home. I know that it will be our little honeymoon phase. I guess I am just trying to picture after that. Will we be different? Will things be like they were, or will it all change? Will he still love me the way I am now, or will he not like the ways that I may have changed? What will the kids act like? Will they give him a chance to readjust? Will I be able to hold it together for a little while longer after he comes home so he has a chance to reintegrate in the family? How long will that take? How will I still hold onto it all knowing he is home to help me again? Am I strong enough for that? Am I strong enough to handle anything that has changed in him?
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
I know I am strong enough, at least, I think I am. I won't really know until he is back home and we start working through it all together. I know that no matter what, I love and accept my husband. I am completely sure of at least that last question being a resounding "YES" answer. Him changing is not something that worries me because I know I will accept him. I just worry about my end of it all. I am sure that he will still love me despite any changes that may have occurred, but the self-doubt is always there. I mostly just wonder if I am strong enough not to let it all drop when he comes home. It is so tempting to say, "You are home, I have had them for a year, it is now your turn. Take them!" and drop it all on him. I know it is a bad idea, but tempting.
I also want to make sure that I never take his presence for granted again. I want to make sure that 6 months after he is back, I am still just as excited to see him come home from work and just as affectionate with him as I will be when I get to kiss him for the first time. I just want to make sure that I hold up my end and show him everyday from his homecoming on how much his being home means to me. All my questions, concerns, fears will all have to be dealt with in time. We will have to cross that bridge when we get there. And I cannot wait to get there. No matter what lies ahead, I look forward to facing it together and all of us being back under one roof.
Day 265: Cranky
Tonight I was not in the best mood. Ian and I decided to replace the girls' beds because they are falling apart. We don't know what kind of house we will move into next, so we decided to get another bunk bed set. This time though, we decided to account for all the moves. The last set we bought was cheap and lasted us just about 5 years. Usually, I think, it would have lasted longer, but being taken apart, moved, and put back together a ton of times didn't help it last. So, I went looking around the past few days for a bunk bed set. Let me tell you, I hate shopping. With a passion. Especially when I have to do it with 3 children. Add to that the fact that I was having to try and make a decision on my own without my husband's input... and I was done! It was so hard for me. So, yesterday, I took pictures when I talked to him last night for a few minutes, I sent them to him. Eventually we came to an agreement, but he wanted a better deal. So, today, I went back and asked for a better deal on the set we were looking at. Luckily, just as I was talking to the lady about the deal, Ian had found his cell and called me with it. So, I got to go over it with him. After a few adjustments, we came to an agreement. It made me feel better that he was on the phone with me to finish it up, because I don't like making decisions, especially ones that cost so much money. Ian wasn't able to talk to the kids because he was tired, but told me (at least I thought he did) that he would call them tonight (our time), so that is what I told the kids to expect.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
After the shopping trip, I came home and ended up with 8 kids in the house, ranging from 1.5-9 years old. It was entertaining. My friends had a meeting with their FRG and wanted to be able to concentrate, so I told them I would watch their kids. They all did well, because they all play well together, so it wasn't hard. They all went home before 8pm. I told my kids to get ready for bed around 8:15pm and they said they wanted to wait up for daddy to call. They have been good, and I did tell them earlier that they could wait for daddy to call, so I let them stay up, thinking it would only be a little longer. Well, 9:30pm rolls around and no call. So, I send them to bed... tears and all. They were upset because they really wanted to talk to him. I felt bad but it was late and they needed to rest. They finally were asleep by about 9:50. 10pm rolls around and guess who calls? Ian.... Yeah, I was happy to hear from him, and yet mad at the same time. A) I myself was tired and B) I had just had to fight the kids to go to bed after he told me he would wake up early to call them. So, I told him why I wasn't very happy. He told me he was sorry but he thought he told me he would call them in the morning our time, not his. I could have swore he said he would call them in the morning his time, night our time. So, we chalked it up to a miscommunication and I got over it (mostly). Emily was still awake and so I got her up to talk to him. She talked for about 5 minutes and then went off to bed.
Ian couldn't talk long and had to say bye shortly after Emily went to bed. After he signed off Skype, I wrote him a Facebook message telling him that I am sorry I was a butt about it and sorry for being a jerk. I told him that I just miss him like crazy and it does weird things to me. It makes me all cranky and emotional. Bahhh.
Day 264: This is why I don't read the news
03/10/2012
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
I hate to say it, but I am so disconnected from the world it isn't funny. The only way I learn about something is if I see it on Facebook or happen to hear it on the radio if/when I am in the car. I don't read the news, I don't have cable so I don't watch it on TV, and I don't read it online either.
Today, though, I saw it. I took the kids to breakfast since it is the first day of spring break and as we were walking by, I saw the newspaper stand. In the window was the front page of the local paper and the USA Today paper. The headline was about the soldier that went and killed 16 civilians in Afghanistan. It did what it was supposed to do, it caught my attention. So, I looked it up online and felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't heard from Ian in a while when I read it and it made me nervous just because I knew it was going to make it that much harder for all the soldiers over there, my husband included. Then I saw the article about how the Taliban vow revenge, now I was even more sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe that a soldier was capable of this, but then again, I don't know what was going on in his head. All I know is that he has been deployed several times, so a severe form of PTSD could be a factor, but again, I don't know. I know that it is a deplorable act and it makes me very sad for the people of Afghanistan. They trust our soldiers with their lives, and one soldier betrayed that trust. Unfortunately, though one soldier does not represent the rest of them, to the rest of the world and especially to Afghanistan, he does. The trust is broken and I don't know how we will repair it. I can only pray for the safety of my husband and all the soldiers over there. I am also saying a prayer for the wife and children of that soldier, I can only imagine what they are going through.
My imagination ran wild for a little bit today because it had been some time since I have heard from him. He called me later this evening and I was relieved. When he asked what was wrong, I told him what I read on the news and he told me he understood my concern. He told me not to worry (fat chance of that) and told me that he will be okay and will take care of himself and his soldiers. I know worrying won't change anything, so all I can really do is pray. And that is all I have been doing all day long.
I know it isn't the best plan, to seal yourself off from the world, but it works for me. My imagination already has a ton of fuel, it doesn't need more. I have learned though that even when stuff does get brought to my attention, I have to try and keep calm. At least, I am not shutting down, and I am not obsessed with every piece of news I see. I deal with it the best I can, and so far, I am doing okay.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Day 263: Hearing his voice
03/11/2012
I have to admit, I have been spoiled. I have been able to hear from Ian a lot during this deployment. Just knowing he is okay with a phone call or short email, helps me get through this. In the past few days, Ian misplaced his cell phone and cannot talk to me as often as he has been. It has gotten harder for me because he can't call me every day at our normal times, so I don't know if he is okay. Last night, I didn't hear from him. Usually, he gets up early to call before we go to bed and talks to the kids, but he didn't last night. So, I thought I would hear from him in the morning before church... still nothing. Naturally, I worried. In my heart I knew he was okay, but I wanted to hear his voice. Well, after church, we had a pot luck and I forgot to turn my cell phone off silent. About 4 minutes after I got into the building where we had our pot luck, I pulled my phone out just to check it (like I always do), and saw that I missed a call. Yup, I missed Ian's call. I was so mad at myself, irrationally, yet still mad. After calming myself down for a second, I listened to his voicemail and heard that he was okay. He told me he would try to call me tonight if he could, but wanted to try and catch me after church to let me know he is okay, he misses us, and loves us and asked me to give the kids a kiss and a hug for him. I felt better hearing his voice, even if I couldn't talk to him. But still wished I could have said hi. Again, though, knowing he is okay and hearing from him in any form is all I can ask for, everything else is a bonus.
I have to admit, I have been spoiled. I have been able to hear from Ian a lot during this deployment. Just knowing he is okay with a phone call or short email, helps me get through this. In the past few days, Ian misplaced his cell phone and cannot talk to me as often as he has been. It has gotten harder for me because he can't call me every day at our normal times, so I don't know if he is okay. Last night, I didn't hear from him. Usually, he gets up early to call before we go to bed and talks to the kids, but he didn't last night. So, I thought I would hear from him in the morning before church... still nothing. Naturally, I worried. In my heart I knew he was okay, but I wanted to hear his voice. Well, after church, we had a pot luck and I forgot to turn my cell phone off silent. About 4 minutes after I got into the building where we had our pot luck, I pulled my phone out just to check it (like I always do), and saw that I missed a call. Yup, I missed Ian's call. I was so mad at myself, irrationally, yet still mad. After calming myself down for a second, I listened to his voicemail and heard that he was okay. He told me he would try to call me tonight if he could, but wanted to try and catch me after church to let me know he is okay, he misses us, and loves us and asked me to give the kids a kiss and a hug for him. I felt better hearing his voice, even if I couldn't talk to him. But still wished I could have said hi. Again, though, knowing he is okay and hearing from him in any form is all I can ask for, everything else is a bonus.
Day 262: My Authority
03/10/2012
My husband and I have always joked about the fact that I "outrank" him. At the start of his military career, he told me that all civilians "outrank" him. So, of course, I asked if I outranked him... He said that I did, but jokingly said that I would whether he was in the military or not. It has been our little running joke since then, and every once in a while I will "pull rank" on him.
A few days ago was one of those times. He told me that his knee has been bothering him for a few months and it was getting worse. He didn't tell me for a while because he didn't want me to worry and because he knew I would want him to go see a doctor. He didn't want to be "broken" before he turns 30 and especially not before the deployment was done. I told him that if he didn't go to the doctor he would be broken because he let it go on too long and get worse. He told me he would go to the doctor the next day. Well, when I talked to him the next day, I asked if he went. He told me he didn't have time and said he would go tomorrow. So, when I talked to him the next day, he still hadn't gone.... So, I pulled rank. I told him it was an "order" from me to go to the doctor and get seen about his knee. At least they can give him and idea of what is going on and what he needs to do to try and make it better. He fought me for a bit, but eventually, I won. The next day he told me the doctor thought it was just some strained tendons and that he would be ok if he took it "easy" and gave him an anti-inflammatory to help with the inflammation and pain. Not sure if it will completely help his knee, but it is a first step. If it gets better, then we know what it was and he addressed it. If it doesn't, then we know what it isn't and we can start going through the checklist to figure it out and get him back to being pain-free.
My husband can be stubborn, but he and everyone else knows that I can too. He knew that the only reason I "pulled rank" on him was because I love him and want him to take care of himself. I have told him many times that he has to take care of himself, because I am not there to take care of him. When he gets sick, I can't be there to help him feel better. When he is hurt, I am not there to force him to see a doctor. So, he has to take care of himself, and the same goes for me. He has had to pull rank on me too and tell me that I needed to go to the doctor a few times that I have been sick since he has been deployed. I went to the doctor when he asked because I knew he wanted me to take care of myself because he couldn't be here to help me. Plus, I knew he would worry, and I try to avoid that at all costs. It is what we do. We take care of each other, we worry about each other, and we push each other. We are in love, we are a team, we are the best of friends.
Loving that time is going by and my best friend is getting so much closer to coming home to me.
My husband and I have always joked about the fact that I "outrank" him. At the start of his military career, he told me that all civilians "outrank" him. So, of course, I asked if I outranked him... He said that I did, but jokingly said that I would whether he was in the military or not. It has been our little running joke since then, and every once in a while I will "pull rank" on him.
A few days ago was one of those times. He told me that his knee has been bothering him for a few months and it was getting worse. He didn't tell me for a while because he didn't want me to worry and because he knew I would want him to go see a doctor. He didn't want to be "broken" before he turns 30 and especially not before the deployment was done. I told him that if he didn't go to the doctor he would be broken because he let it go on too long and get worse. He told me he would go to the doctor the next day. Well, when I talked to him the next day, I asked if he went. He told me he didn't have time and said he would go tomorrow. So, when I talked to him the next day, he still hadn't gone.... So, I pulled rank. I told him it was an "order" from me to go to the doctor and get seen about his knee. At least they can give him and idea of what is going on and what he needs to do to try and make it better. He fought me for a bit, but eventually, I won. The next day he told me the doctor thought it was just some strained tendons and that he would be ok if he took it "easy" and gave him an anti-inflammatory to help with the inflammation and pain. Not sure if it will completely help his knee, but it is a first step. If it gets better, then we know what it was and he addressed it. If it doesn't, then we know what it isn't and we can start going through the checklist to figure it out and get him back to being pain-free.
My husband can be stubborn, but he and everyone else knows that I can too. He knew that the only reason I "pulled rank" on him was because I love him and want him to take care of himself. I have told him many times that he has to take care of himself, because I am not there to take care of him. When he gets sick, I can't be there to help him feel better. When he is hurt, I am not there to force him to see a doctor. So, he has to take care of himself, and the same goes for me. He has had to pull rank on me too and tell me that I needed to go to the doctor a few times that I have been sick since he has been deployed. I went to the doctor when he asked because I knew he wanted me to take care of myself because he couldn't be here to help me. Plus, I knew he would worry, and I try to avoid that at all costs. It is what we do. We take care of each other, we worry about each other, and we push each other. We are in love, we are a team, we are the best of friends.
Loving that time is going by and my best friend is getting so much closer to coming home to me.
Day 261: Family time
03/09/2012
Today was a busy day at work. It was a minimum day since we have spring break next week, so our routine and schedule got messed up a little. After work, we ran some errands and I told the kids we would have a family movie night. After we got home, we had our family movie night and used the new tradition set by my mom and step-dad of having hot chocolate and popcorn. The kids loved it. We got hot chocolate, marshmallows, and whipped cream. I had a cake to work on, but once I got it in the oven, I sat down with the kids while it baked. I had a mocha, they had hot chocolate, and I popped a bag of popcorn. We sat down and cuddled while watching a movie. The kids loved it and they had fun just hanging out together.
I was up and down dealing with the cake, but the kids still loved the fact that I was more concerned with sitting with them than cleaning the house. They understood the reason I was making the cake was for someone whose parents couldn't afford one, but knew that even that was secondary to our movie night. Our family time was much needed and has been hard to come by so I have been working hard to schedule the time. It is not good enough for them to be watching TV while I do dishes. Instead it is all about doing something they would like to do with me, even if it means I stay up later just to get some chores done. I just have to continue to adapt to this lifestyle and continue to be willing to change to make it work.
Another day is done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Today was a busy day at work. It was a minimum day since we have spring break next week, so our routine and schedule got messed up a little. After work, we ran some errands and I told the kids we would have a family movie night. After we got home, we had our family movie night and used the new tradition set by my mom and step-dad of having hot chocolate and popcorn. The kids loved it. We got hot chocolate, marshmallows, and whipped cream. I had a cake to work on, but once I got it in the oven, I sat down with the kids while it baked. I had a mocha, they had hot chocolate, and I popped a bag of popcorn. We sat down and cuddled while watching a movie. The kids loved it and they had fun just hanging out together.
I was up and down dealing with the cake, but the kids still loved the fact that I was more concerned with sitting with them than cleaning the house. They understood the reason I was making the cake was for someone whose parents couldn't afford one, but knew that even that was secondary to our movie night. Our family time was much needed and has been hard to come by so I have been working hard to schedule the time. It is not good enough for them to be watching TV while I do dishes. Instead it is all about doing something they would like to do with me, even if it means I stay up later just to get some chores done. I just have to continue to adapt to this lifestyle and continue to be willing to change to make it work.
Another day is done, another day closer to seeing my husband again.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Day 260: Just one of those days
Today was a rough day for me. A day where I couldn't stop thinking about Ian and about how much I miss him. I wasn't feeling good the whole day at work and then after work, the kids were rambunctious and ornery. When we went to golf lessons, the people running it did not call me to tell me they moved it. So, we went to the golf course, got out, and walked around trying to find everyone. Then went to the pro-shop and they called around for me and found out they moved it. By the time we got there, the kids missed half. So, that didn't help my mood at all. To top it off, I had to talk to the girls a few times at practice to participate.
Yup, another day in paradise. We got home and I got the kids ready for bed. Then, Ian called me on Skype and we both talked about our day. I couldn't help it, I got a little misty-eyed while we talked. I had been missing him and thinking about him all day. Seeing his face and hearing his voice caused the emotion to overtake me. I cried because I was happy to hear his voice and because I missed him. I cried because I knew I had another night ahead of me with an empty bed. He saw my tears and immediately understood their origin, without needing to ask. He just sat there and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He asked me what, specifically, was wrong. I just told him it was one of those days where I missed him and wanted him home. I loved him for allowing me to have that minor breakdown with him, and comforting me through it. We both looked at each other and smiled and said how close we are and how many days we have less. It still seems far away, but when you look at where we were when he was home on R&R, it really isn't as far as that. We at least have that. We can see that we are making headway and it is always something positive that helps us on "one of those days."
Yup, another day in paradise. We got home and I got the kids ready for bed. Then, Ian called me on Skype and we both talked about our day. I couldn't help it, I got a little misty-eyed while we talked. I had been missing him and thinking about him all day. Seeing his face and hearing his voice caused the emotion to overtake me. I cried because I was happy to hear his voice and because I missed him. I cried because I knew I had another night ahead of me with an empty bed. He saw my tears and immediately understood their origin, without needing to ask. He just sat there and told me how much he loved me and missed me. He asked me what, specifically, was wrong. I just told him it was one of those days where I missed him and wanted him home. I loved him for allowing me to have that minor breakdown with him, and comforting me through it. We both looked at each other and smiled and said how close we are and how many days we have less. It still seems far away, but when you look at where we were when he was home on R&R, it really isn't as far as that. We at least have that. We can see that we are making headway and it is always something positive that helps us on "one of those days."
Day 259: The things that USED to be fun
After school, I took the kids to Chuck E Cheeses for a fundraiser for Emily's school. I used to enjoy taking them, with Ian, and playing with them. This time, without Ian, it was more stressful than I would have liked. I know they don't let kids out without checking their stamps, but still, it was nerve-racking to have to keep track of all three of them, but especially Daniel. He runs from one place to another insanely quick, and I can never keep up with him. I just see a blonde fuzz-head zooming between the games. Normally, Ian would be on Daniel watch and I would be manning the table watching out for the kids and taking them to the bathroom as necessary. Without Ian, I had to walk around with the kids and when one had to go to the bathroom, we all went. I just didn't like the idea of leaving the other two in the restaurant by themselves. We made it through without incident, but it wasn't as much fun for me. I usually love watching the kids play and run back to me with their tickets and watching Ian playing with Daniel. This time, while I had fun playing with Daniel and the girls off and on, I was more anxious about their safety than I would have been had my teammate been here to help me out.
This is just one of the many reasons I miss him. I know we are ticking off days from the calendar, and I love that fact, but I seriously can't wait to see him again. One day at a time, we are making it and getting closer.
This is just one of the many reasons I miss him. I know we are ticking off days from the calendar, and I love that fact, but I seriously can't wait to see him again. One day at a time, we are making it and getting closer.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day 258: Between a soldier and the girl he is fighting for
There isn't much Ian and I wouldn't do for each other. Our love is just that strong. We both can be pretty stubborn (myself especially), but when it come to one another, we can almost always convince the other to do what we know is necessary. I know that he loves me enough to force me to go to the doctor when I don't want to, and he knows I am only being pushy because I love him too. And, I do. I love him and just want to see him be healthy and happy.
Day 257: Getting closer
I got an email today from my FRG leader about the reintegration training. I know I talked about it a little while ago, but it is for real. I have to actually sign up for the class soon, because it is next week. It is a milestone in this deployment. It is something that says he is actually coming home soon and that we are making it through this deployment. I was asked today how much longer I have until my husband comes home. Instead of having the sad thought of it being a really long time left back when we were only a month or two into it, I can tell them that we are getting so close to it. I can tell them I have LESS THAN 3 1/2 MONTHS LEFT!!!!! It is something I am so excited about and proud of the fact that my kids and I are working our way through it and of just how strong my kids have been. I know the only thing that makes me more proud is just the fact that my husband is an amazing soldier, fighting for our country, while still being there for his family.
One step at a time. One day at a time... Until he comes home to us.
One step at a time. One day at a time... Until he comes home to us.
Day 256: A step in the right direction
03/04/2012
I felt like today we continued taking steps in the right direction. We got up this morning, talked to Ian, and got ready for church. We got to church, had service, and then came home. I told the kids that if we got some chores done, since we didn't do any yesterday, that we could have a family game night with the Wii. The kids did great. They did what they were told and didn't argue with me. I didn't have to keep on them to do it and the did all of what I asked them to, not just a part of it, but all of it. While they did that, I worked on building my daughter's dressers. The kids came in periodically to help me with the dressers and were willing to bring me ice water or anything else I needed. It was just a nice change of pace from having to always be on them to do what I asked of them.
Ian and I are both very proud of our kids right now. It has been rough, and today they showed great improvement. Ian, though far away, is still very much my kids' dad and is always willing to talk to them if needed. He is not one to sit back and tell me that I have to deal with it on my own. He talks to the kids about correcting their behavior and praises them when they are making good decisions. Just like he would do if he were home with us. His talks have helped the kids know that he and I are still a team and that though daddy is far away, he is still "here" and they are still accountable to him too.
Another day done. Another step towards the end of the deployment and another step in the right direction with the kids. It has been a good day.
I felt like today we continued taking steps in the right direction. We got up this morning, talked to Ian, and got ready for church. We got to church, had service, and then came home. I told the kids that if we got some chores done, since we didn't do any yesterday, that we could have a family game night with the Wii. The kids did great. They did what they were told and didn't argue with me. I didn't have to keep on them to do it and the did all of what I asked them to, not just a part of it, but all of it. While they did that, I worked on building my daughter's dressers. The kids came in periodically to help me with the dressers and were willing to bring me ice water or anything else I needed. It was just a nice change of pace from having to always be on them to do what I asked of them.
Ian and I are both very proud of our kids right now. It has been rough, and today they showed great improvement. Ian, though far away, is still very much my kids' dad and is always willing to talk to them if needed. He is not one to sit back and tell me that I have to deal with it on my own. He talks to the kids about correcting their behavior and praises them when they are making good decisions. Just like he would do if he were home with us. His talks have helped the kids know that he and I are still a team and that though daddy is far away, he is still "here" and they are still accountable to him too.
Another day done. Another step towards the end of the deployment and another step in the right direction with the kids. It has been a good day.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Day 255: Don't judge
03/03/2012
Today is Saturday. It was kind of a busy day, but not in a hectic way. The girls had a music camp to go to today and it lasted from 9am-4pm. It is a camp that is run by a ministry that is desgined to outreach to military kids, especially those of deployed soldiers, but welcomes all. They offer the camp for free to military kids and only charge $15 for non-military kids. Unfortunately, Daniel is too young for this camp and he was very disappointed about that fact. I told him that we will be having our own day together and will go do something fun.
After dropping of the girls, Daniel and I went to breakfast. It was fun because Daniel was his usual silly self and we got to just hang out together. After breakfast, I decided to take Daniel to see "The Lorax." It was fun for us to watch a movie together and we both enjoyed the movie, too. Daniel has been learning about recycling at school this past week, and this movie made him want to save the earth even more. He is so cute when he talks about wanting to go and plant trees and recycle, which he has been doing nonstop since seeing that movie. After the movie we went home for a little bit to rest. Then we ran to the store before picking up the girls. After that, we hung out as a family at home and I have to say that I am already seeing an improvement in Emily. I know it is just the first day after, but I am hopeful.
At breakfast, I have to be honest, I was judged kinda harshly by the waitress (at least that is how it came off to me). Just after we were seated, Ian called me and then the waitress came by to ask us what we would like to drink. I hated to be on the phone while I was ordering our drinks, but I wasn't about to hang up on him, though I did ask him to hold on a second. So, I ordered our drinks but told her we weren't ready to order yet. She looked a bit perturbed and when she brought back our drinks, we still weren't ready to order and she said she would come back in a minute. Well, it took her a long time to come back and take our order which is something I think she did on purpose because she gave me a nasty look when she saw I was still on the phone when she brought our drinks to us. And, I understand. It is annoying when someone is on the phone and you are trying to talk to them or serve them, but I really was trying so hard to talk to her and even asked Ian to hold on so I could greet her and talk politely to her. When she came back to get our order, Ian and I had switched to Skype and she saw him on the screen as he was talking to Daniel. She asked if that was my husband and if we were Skyping him overseas and I told her we were. Her attitude abruptly changed. She immediately smiled at us, offered us more time if we needed, and when Daniel was ordering, she encouraged him to continue talking to his daddy after he finished ordering. She was very nice to me as she took my order and was completely different than the first impression I got of her. I wasn't upset with her about her initial reaction to me being on the phone, but was glad that she realized how important that call was to me. When she brought the check by, she was again super sweet and told me that she gave me the 10% military discount and thanked me for my husband's service. I told her thank you for that and that I would pass along the message to my husband. I guess it goes to show that you can't judge a person just because they are on the phone or seem distant. You never know what that person is dealing with. The person on the other end of the call could be a deployed soldier or someone they don't have any control over how often or when they get to talk to them. That phone call could mean everything to them and could be the only opportunity they have for a while. You just never really know, so how can you judge?
Today is Saturday. It was kind of a busy day, but not in a hectic way. The girls had a music camp to go to today and it lasted from 9am-4pm. It is a camp that is run by a ministry that is desgined to outreach to military kids, especially those of deployed soldiers, but welcomes all. They offer the camp for free to military kids and only charge $15 for non-military kids. Unfortunately, Daniel is too young for this camp and he was very disappointed about that fact. I told him that we will be having our own day together and will go do something fun.
After dropping of the girls, Daniel and I went to breakfast. It was fun because Daniel was his usual silly self and we got to just hang out together. After breakfast, I decided to take Daniel to see "The Lorax." It was fun for us to watch a movie together and we both enjoyed the movie, too. Daniel has been learning about recycling at school this past week, and this movie made him want to save the earth even more. He is so cute when he talks about wanting to go and plant trees and recycle, which he has been doing nonstop since seeing that movie. After the movie we went home for a little bit to rest. Then we ran to the store before picking up the girls. After that, we hung out as a family at home and I have to say that I am already seeing an improvement in Emily. I know it is just the first day after, but I am hopeful.
At breakfast, I have to be honest, I was judged kinda harshly by the waitress (at least that is how it came off to me). Just after we were seated, Ian called me and then the waitress came by to ask us what we would like to drink. I hated to be on the phone while I was ordering our drinks, but I wasn't about to hang up on him, though I did ask him to hold on a second. So, I ordered our drinks but told her we weren't ready to order yet. She looked a bit perturbed and when she brought back our drinks, we still weren't ready to order and she said she would come back in a minute. Well, it took her a long time to come back and take our order which is something I think she did on purpose because she gave me a nasty look when she saw I was still on the phone when she brought our drinks to us. And, I understand. It is annoying when someone is on the phone and you are trying to talk to them or serve them, but I really was trying so hard to talk to her and even asked Ian to hold on so I could greet her and talk politely to her. When she came back to get our order, Ian and I had switched to Skype and she saw him on the screen as he was talking to Daniel. She asked if that was my husband and if we were Skyping him overseas and I told her we were. Her attitude abruptly changed. She immediately smiled at us, offered us more time if we needed, and when Daniel was ordering, she encouraged him to continue talking to his daddy after he finished ordering. She was very nice to me as she took my order and was completely different than the first impression I got of her. I wasn't upset with her about her initial reaction to me being on the phone, but was glad that she realized how important that call was to me. When she brought the check by, she was again super sweet and told me that she gave me the 10% military discount and thanked me for my husband's service. I told her thank you for that and that I would pass along the message to my husband. I guess it goes to show that you can't judge a person just because they are on the phone or seem distant. You never know what that person is dealing with. The person on the other end of the call could be a deployed soldier or someone they don't have any control over how often or when they get to talk to them. That phone call could mean everything to them and could be the only opportunity they have for a while. You just never really know, so how can you judge?
Day 254: Serious talk
Well, I did it. Tonight I got some friends to keep my little ones for the night and took my daughter on a "Night of talking." I specifically told her this was not a "date night" like the other two had, this is a night to talk. I told her that her behavior has not been good enough to allow me to take her out and have fun. I told her tonight we are going to get some food and that is it. No fun afterwards, no new dress, just dinner and talking. She understood that her behavior has been less than good and she did not deserve a fun date night.
When we were halfway through dinner, I asked her if she knew what we were going to talk about. She told me that we were going to talk about her behavior and how it was unacceptable. I said she was correct. We talked about what has been going on with her and what might be causing her behavior. She told me that she thought a friend of hers might be a bad influence because she cursed a lot and was rude to people, so Emily thought she might be acting like her a little. I explained to her that she cannot blame her behavior on someone else, but that having good influences as her friends can make a difference. She also told me that she is really worried about her daddy. She said that one of her friends told her that her dad was shot in the leg in Afghanistan and it made Emily really scared that Ian will get hurt or won't come home. I tried not to lie to her. I told her that it is a valid concern, but that she knows daddy is okay every time we talk to him. I also told her to talk to me when she has these fears and we can pray about it together. I told her that every time I think of her daddy, I pray for him and that maybe she can start doing the same. She told me she does pray for him at night. I told her that was a great thing and to keep it up. We talked a little more about that and about Ian being gone and how that is affecting both of us. It was a good part of the talk.
After that, I told her what to expect if her behavior doesn't change. I told her that, as her mother, I am "required" to give her food, clothing, and shelter... Everything else is a privilege. Everything else, she has to work for too, just like her daddy and I do. I explained that there are children out there that do not always have food or are left alone for a long time by their parents. I told her the truth about kids whose lives were not as good as hers because she was thinking that her life is terrible. Once I explained that, I told her that if her behavior doesn't improve I will take away everything what what I am "required" to give her. Meaning that she would lose all toys, games, TV time, electronics, extra curricular activities, everything but her bed and clothes. Then, she would have to earn it all back, one by one. That seemed to make an impact. She knows I am serious about this and now realizes that what she has is not stuff she is entitled to, but stuff that her daddy and I give to her.
The talk was exactly what her and I needed. We both were able to get a feel for the other and able to explain a few things. I was able to tell her that I understood what was going on with her, but that it did not excuse her behavior. She told me that she wanted more talk time with me and we agreed to send the younger two outside to play so we could sit at the table and talk when she needed. Emily has also been given a fair warning to change her attitude before I take more drastic measures than just grounding her for the weekend. I hope this talk takes root in her and we can start working together and working through this all, but only time will tell.
When we were halfway through dinner, I asked her if she knew what we were going to talk about. She told me that we were going to talk about her behavior and how it was unacceptable. I said she was correct. We talked about what has been going on with her and what might be causing her behavior. She told me that she thought a friend of hers might be a bad influence because she cursed a lot and was rude to people, so Emily thought she might be acting like her a little. I explained to her that she cannot blame her behavior on someone else, but that having good influences as her friends can make a difference. She also told me that she is really worried about her daddy. She said that one of her friends told her that her dad was shot in the leg in Afghanistan and it made Emily really scared that Ian will get hurt or won't come home. I tried not to lie to her. I told her that it is a valid concern, but that she knows daddy is okay every time we talk to him. I also told her to talk to me when she has these fears and we can pray about it together. I told her that every time I think of her daddy, I pray for him and that maybe she can start doing the same. She told me she does pray for him at night. I told her that was a great thing and to keep it up. We talked a little more about that and about Ian being gone and how that is affecting both of us. It was a good part of the talk.
After that, I told her what to expect if her behavior doesn't change. I told her that, as her mother, I am "required" to give her food, clothing, and shelter... Everything else is a privilege. Everything else, she has to work for too, just like her daddy and I do. I explained that there are children out there that do not always have food or are left alone for a long time by their parents. I told her the truth about kids whose lives were not as good as hers because she was thinking that her life is terrible. Once I explained that, I told her that if her behavior doesn't improve I will take away everything what what I am "required" to give her. Meaning that she would lose all toys, games, TV time, electronics, extra curricular activities, everything but her bed and clothes. Then, she would have to earn it all back, one by one. That seemed to make an impact. She knows I am serious about this and now realizes that what she has is not stuff she is entitled to, but stuff that her daddy and I give to her.
The talk was exactly what her and I needed. We both were able to get a feel for the other and able to explain a few things. I was able to tell her that I understood what was going on with her, but that it did not excuse her behavior. She told me that she wanted more talk time with me and we agreed to send the younger two outside to play so we could sit at the table and talk when she needed. Emily has also been given a fair warning to change her attitude before I take more drastic measures than just grounding her for the weekend. I hope this talk takes root in her and we can start working together and working through this all, but only time will tell.
Day 253: Emotionally Drained
03/01/2012
I am writing tonight, not sure if I will be able to finish it because I am so emotionally drained. So, here it goes.... My oldest daughter is trying to be a teenager way too quickly. I don't know if this is in response to the deployment, school stuff, or just what is going on right now for her, but it is completely unacceptable. She is usually a great kid: Super funny, smart, well-mannered. She is not a spoiled brat and knows that she will encounter discipline when she makes the wrong decision. Always has, always will.
Well, lately, her attitude is starting to creep up. She is starting to back-talk me, have attitude when she is asked to do her chores, is rude to her siblings, and is taking on an attitude of entitlement. It has been getting worse and worse over the past few months, and has really hit my boiling point in the past two days. Yesterday, she did nothing but argue with me and said some of the meanest things to her siblings. Tonight, she did it again. My youngest daughter's bed frame is broken and I haven't been able to fix it over the past week and a half. Since then, she has been on a mattress on the floor. Occasionally, she has been feeling like she really doesn't want to be on the floor and asks if she can sleep with her sister. It is something they have done many times, without any major reason, but because Natalie asked, Emily had a fit. I gave Emily the option to either let Natalie sleep with her, or trade beds with her for the night. When she finally agreed to switch, she went back in the room and said a hurtful thing to her sister. Natalie came and told me, and it was the final straw for me. She has been so mean to both her siblings and I knew she needed to be separated for the night. So, I moved her into the "game room" and had her sleep on the futon. She proceeded to throw a fit for almost an hour. Eventually she fell asleep, but I am reminded of the times when she was a baby. Every once in a while, I would have to put her in her crib to cry because there was nothing more I could do for her. Or when she was a toddler and her terrible 2's/3's were in full swing and I had to ride out her fits and not give in. I feel just like that again... emotionally and physically drained.
I have a feeling that I am going to have to deal with her tomorrow. I need to get her alone, away from her siblings, and talk to her. She needs to know that this is unacceptable and that if it continues she will lose more of her privileges. I also need to let her talk and tell me what is going on. So, tomorrow, I am on a mission to ask a few of my friends if they can watch the other two so I can deal with her alone. Lets hope I can. Luckily, I have some great friends and I am pretty sure I can find a few that will help me. Another thing I love about my Army family.
Oh how I cannot wait until my love, my partner, and my other half is here to help me deal with these things. We are getting closer, but it seems like it is never going to end! I know that is the stress talking and that we are getting there. I just have to keep holding on.
I am writing tonight, not sure if I will be able to finish it because I am so emotionally drained. So, here it goes.... My oldest daughter is trying to be a teenager way too quickly. I don't know if this is in response to the deployment, school stuff, or just what is going on right now for her, but it is completely unacceptable. She is usually a great kid: Super funny, smart, well-mannered. She is not a spoiled brat and knows that she will encounter discipline when she makes the wrong decision. Always has, always will.
Well, lately, her attitude is starting to creep up. She is starting to back-talk me, have attitude when she is asked to do her chores, is rude to her siblings, and is taking on an attitude of entitlement. It has been getting worse and worse over the past few months, and has really hit my boiling point in the past two days. Yesterday, she did nothing but argue with me and said some of the meanest things to her siblings. Tonight, she did it again. My youngest daughter's bed frame is broken and I haven't been able to fix it over the past week and a half. Since then, she has been on a mattress on the floor. Occasionally, she has been feeling like she really doesn't want to be on the floor and asks if she can sleep with her sister. It is something they have done many times, without any major reason, but because Natalie asked, Emily had a fit. I gave Emily the option to either let Natalie sleep with her, or trade beds with her for the night. When she finally agreed to switch, she went back in the room and said a hurtful thing to her sister. Natalie came and told me, and it was the final straw for me. She has been so mean to both her siblings and I knew she needed to be separated for the night. So, I moved her into the "game room" and had her sleep on the futon. She proceeded to throw a fit for almost an hour. Eventually she fell asleep, but I am reminded of the times when she was a baby. Every once in a while, I would have to put her in her crib to cry because there was nothing more I could do for her. Or when she was a toddler and her terrible 2's/3's were in full swing and I had to ride out her fits and not give in. I feel just like that again... emotionally and physically drained.
I have a feeling that I am going to have to deal with her tomorrow. I need to get her alone, away from her siblings, and talk to her. She needs to know that this is unacceptable and that if it continues she will lose more of her privileges. I also need to let her talk and tell me what is going on. So, tomorrow, I am on a mission to ask a few of my friends if they can watch the other two so I can deal with her alone. Lets hope I can. Luckily, I have some great friends and I am pretty sure I can find a few that will help me. Another thing I love about my Army family.
Oh how I cannot wait until my love, my partner, and my other half is here to help me deal with these things. We are getting closer, but it seems like it is never going to end! I know that is the stress talking and that we are getting there. I just have to keep holding on.
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