There really are no words that I can say right now. At this very moment, I don't feel positive. At this moment, I feel like curling into a ball, laying in bed, and staying there for the next year. I am letting the deployment win. This sounds depressing, and I am sorry. I try to be strong and stay positive, but somethings just break me. It really isn't a huge thing that happened today, it was significant and upsetting, but shouldn't have been enough to break me. Unfortunately, today was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." I know that tomorrow morning, I will get up and continue to love my children and live for them, but right now, I just want to lay down and let the deployment beat me.
My youngest daughter, Natalie, is my quiet child. I know labeling children is bad, but all my children have very distinct and different personalities. Natalie is quiet, loving, and relatively responsible for a 6 year old. She loves to help out when she can and loves her daddy very much.... here lies the problem of the night. My daughter, who knows so much better than this, took a pair of scissors and cut my couch wide open. She sliced the whole front side of a cushion and then cut two other parts, just for good measure. I was upstairs, packing a box for Ian, and when I came down, I saw it. I initially thought it was my son, because he is the one that has a destructive streak in him. He usually fesses up pretty quick and when I asked, I knew immediately he didn't do it (yeah, that annoying thing your mom has for knowing if you are lying or not... I have it). I then looked at Natalie and saw that she did it, just by the look on her face and in her eyes. I just needed to know why. She had no answer. I asked many times, and every time it was "I don't know." (Now I know why that used to irritate my mom when I was a kid).
Now because this is not a normal thing for my daughter to do, I am relatively sure it is her acting out. Problem is, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what punishment is appropriate. I know it is in reaction to the deployment and our move right before it, but I still can't give her a free pass on this one. She knows better. So, I have to come up with a punishment... that should be fun.
You know that saying that politicians use? The buck stops here? Well, I feel like that is all I am told. My children are going through a hard time because of the life I chose to live with them. I was the one that decided to move right before a deployment. I was the one that turned their world upside down. Now, I have to accept the consequences. I understand that to a degree. Problem is, I didn't "choose" this, it chose me. I fell in love with an amazing man and am proud to stand behind him as he serves his country. I may have chosen to move with my husband, but tell me, what alternative did I have? If I would have stayed, the kids would have had less time with their dad and would not have been able to see him in the final weeks leading up to his deployment. While they would have been in a place they were more familiar with, they would not have the peer support of another kid going through the same thing, like they do here. I know this is a tough situation, I get it. I know that what we have gone through in the past 4 months has been a bit of a roller coaster and that it is going to take some time to adjust. I know. I don't need it always thrown in my face every time my children act out. I already feel guilty for this situation and upset that this is my fault. I don't need anyone telling me what I already know. I need support. I need someone to tell me it is ok, the kids will be ok, and maybe that they can help me fix the stupid couch. That is what I need. All that said, there is one more thing that I need to say. Knowing what I know now, I would not have changed a SINGLE decision I made in moving here to prepare for my husband's deployment. It may be hard for the moment, but in the end, my kids will know that I love and support their father, what a marriage should be, and that together, we love them more than anything in the world. They may not understand right now, but eventually, I hope, they will.
One day down, a new day starts. Soldier on and keep moving forward.
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