Today turned into an unexpected good day. I went to bed last night thinking of one more Hail Mary kind of play to help me get my transcript so I can become a substitute teacher. I didn't think it would work, but, what is the worst that could happen? I get told no? Ok. So I had to wait until after 10am to call the teacher certification program that I applied for a month ago, who I gave my last transcript to. I called them to see if there was any way I could get my transcript back and order a new one just for them. I was shocked and elated when she said, "Sure. That is easy! Just make sure you order a new one for us and I will just make a copy of the one we have for now." I couldn't stop thanking her. So, I got ready, drove the 30 min to get it (well worth it) and drove back to turn it in. It literally took 30 seconds to turn it in, for the lady to make a copy, and hand it back to me! It felt a little anti-climactic. But, either way, it was done. I got a call later in the day telling me they reviewed my transcripts and they want me to come in for the training on Thursday and then will interview me! I am so excited! I had beat myself up all weekend and had pretty much come to terms with the fact that I screwed up and would not be subbing for a while. So, when this all actually worked out, I could do nothing but thank God over and over. I know He helped me through this. Not because I deserve it, but because He loves me. In all honesty, it would have been a "tough love" kind of learning experience if it hadn't worked out, but God showed me His mercy and love. Now, I did learn from this. I need to work harder on remembering things and not take on so much that I stress myself out. But the fact that I learned the hard way without my family suffering for it was truly amazing.
Today has been another one of those days that I am thinking about Ian constantly and missing the feel of his arms around me. I miss the sound of his voice in the house and the smell of his sweaty self coming home from work at night. I am missing him. I think the song, "Remind Me" by Brad Paisly and Carrie Underwood really set me off when I heard it today. I had already been thinking about Ian and that song came on the radio. Basically it is a couple talking about how in love they used to be and all the things they used to do together, then asking each other to "remind me." I thought of how lucky I was that Ian and I are still very much love each other and want to be together. This, however, is where the guilt kicks in. It is normal (from what I have heard) for Army wives to feel guilty after their husbands leave for all the "wasted time." The time getting into those stupid fights because the deployment was looming and stress was at it's peak. The times when you were just too mad to spend time together or just relax in each others arms. Well, that is where I am at right now. My guilt doesn't stem from fighting, because Ian and I didn't fight before he left. Our fights are few and far between, so that was not something I was feeling bad about. No, what I was feeling guilty for was every time I have ever told him not to touch me. Now, you have to understand, Ian's "love language" is physical contact. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, that is how you say "I love you" to him. I, however, am not a physical person. So there have been times when I am standing in the kitchen, doing the dishes, and he walks up behind me to give me a hug. Well, I am in the middle of doing something so I tell him that I love him, but he needs to let me do what I am doing. Most of the time, he would keep on me until I took a break, smiled, and just let him hold me, because he knew that was what I needed. Some of the times though, I was just cranky. It is looking back on those times that I now feel guilty. Right now, I would give just about anything to have him here, putting his arms around me, and keeping me from doing the housework. I would give just about anything for that simple physical contact he always wanted. I miss it. I miss him.
It really is amazing how deployment puts everything into sharp focus. If your marriage is good, it highlights the good, it makes it stronger. If your marriage is not so good, it keeps pushing it farther down. The saying that "Distance and separation are like wind to a flame: it extinguishes the weak, and feeds the strong" is so true. I feel like even though I have these type of feelings sometimes, our relationship, our friendship, and our marriage are growing even stronger through this trial the Army calls a deployment.
One more day done, one day closer to feeling his arms around me once again.
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