You read that right, comparing deployments is like comparing your kids. You just shouldn't do it. No matter what there are always differences between them and they never act the same. I find myself saying a lot that "this deployment is so much harder than the last one" or "Last time we were able to talk more" or "last deployment I wasn't nearly this stressed." I think I faked myself out thinking that since I had been through one, the second one should be a breeze. Man did I ever I set myself up!
Last deployment was hard because on the third day, I had to put down our very sick 10-year-old dachshund. Three months later our 15-year-old dachshund died. Plus my husband and I were still working on the whole communication thing and we weren't sure how much to tell and how much to hold back from each other. Once we got that sorted out, it got better. I am not saying that it was perfect or that I worried less, just that it got better. My job was a little easier and I had more freedoms with it. I also had the help of my amazing father for the first 4 months.
This time though has been a lot different on both sides of the ocean. Ian is doing a different job that has some crazy hours. I am working full time and my hours don't line up with his. Our communication is suffering a little. When I say that, I just mean that we aren't able to talk as much as we would like, but we are learning that in the times we can talk to each other that we have to make sure it counts. We are both really bad about writing emails because we want to make sure we have something to talk about when he calls. Plus, by the time either one of us has a few minutes to write, we are exhausted and heading to bed. So, we are instead doing small notes to each other in our emails to say we are missing each other and thinking about each other. It is a little thing, but I know when I receive those emails, they put a smile on my face and make my day a little better.
On my side of the ocean, it has been especially trying. I have had a lot of added responsibilities put on me at work, the kids have started with their deployment issues, I have had some health problems that cause me to miss work, and I have had some setbacks with some close friends. All of these and more have made the first two months of this deployment to be one for the books! I know I said you shouldn't, but this first two months have been so much harder than the first two months of the last deployment.
The work stuff I can handle because I am good at my job and failure is not an option. With my kids' behavior problems, I will help the kids pull through this too, just like I did last time. Rather, I should say Ian and I will help the kids pull through because he helps just as much in that department. The health issues are starting to iron out, which has helped a lot but I still have a few doctors appointments in my near future. The hardest part is the issues I have been having with my friends.
I feel like I am losing vital support at the time I need it most. I feel like no matter what I do, I am just going to be alone in this deployment. Don't get me wrong, I have my family whom I can call anytime I need it and I love them for that! I have a few awesome co-worker friends who are there for me. It is just that I lost a few friends not long ago because of being busy and my inability to call them. Which I take full responsibility for and kick myself daily for. After losing them, I thought it was just a fluke, that maybe it was just that I wasn't enough for those friends but I still had other fantastic friends who accepted me and all my shortcomings. Then, I recently have had a few setbacks with another close friend. This one made me wonder if it is me. Am I really that bad of a friend?
I used to think I was a good friend. Even if I didn't call all the time, if you ever called and said you needed me or needed something that was within my power to get/do, I would jump right on it for you. If you called and needed to talk, I was there. If you needed me to come over in the middle of the night for an emergency, I would without hesitation. My friends KNEW I would be there for them no matter what. So, what has changed that I have lost so many? What is it about me that makes my friends think that I no longer care or am no longer worth their time? I don't know. I know I can get wrapped up in my own daily life and am bad at calling and forget to set up play dates. Most days, I forget to eat because I am so overwhelmed, and I definitely forget to call even my own parents. They jokingly say they were wondering if I were still alive because it had been a while since they heard from me. They saw my sporadic Facebook posts and knew all was ok, but still, I have to work harder at calling them more often too.
I know I am rambling a bit, but even though I have been here in this area for longer than when Ian deployed last time, I feel like I am even more alone than before. It really sucks because I thought I had the deployment already beat this time with the support system that we had built over the last 2 1/2 years, but I am slowly seeing it start to crumble. I know I don't have an option but to drive on and survive this deployment, but it sure is getting harder by the day. It is amazing how much losing a friend can really hurt you in a normal situation, but in the middle of a deployment it feels 1,000 times worse. I pray daily that it is just a bump in the road and that everything will iron out, but I guess only time will tell.
I won't allow myself to be beaten down. NO MATTER WHAT I AM SURVIVING THIS DEPLOYMENT! My husband will have someone here who is worth coming home to. No matter what happens with my friends, my husband and kids are my priority and I won't allow anything to come between that.
To all my friends and family reading this, please know that I am thankful daily that you are still in my life and thank you for the support you give my family and me, even if from afar.
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